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(Almost) married man wants to use me as a 'free pass'?

(76 Posts)
eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 20:55:20

I have had a close male friend for 4 years and recently he's making me feel really weird and uncomfortable. We are both in our late 20s - he is engaged and getting married in a month to a woman he's been with 10 years. I am newly single after a long term relationship broke up.

The other night, we were chatting as we often do and we started talking about how I was single again. I said that the break up had affected me badly and I miss lots of things about being with my ex. Talk turned to things like living with a partner, sex, etc and initially it was all platonic.

It got odd when he started talking about how he's always liked me and he turned one of our friends down when she came on to him on a night out as he secretly wanted to get together with me (he was still with his fiancee back then, who was his gf at the time.) I was a bit confused about this and didn't really know why he was talking about it.

Over the last few days he's been saying that his DP cheated on him years ago and she has said he is allowed a 'free pass' to sleep with someone he wants, as this is apparently fair. I find this ridiculous. He is really keen for things to move further and he wants our relationship to become sexual as apparently his DP won't mind.

I don't want to lose him as a friend and although I find him attractive, I definitely don't want to get involved in this as it's more trouble than it's worth. I definitely don't want to break up his relationship. He seems to be insulted every time I say I'm not going there and is desperate for me to watch him do sexual things on webcam etc. He keeps telling me I need to relax and stop being uptight as he has a free pass.

Should I just stay well away from him? He's making me feel really uncomfortable.

foadmn Thu 26-Jun-14 20:57:31

seriously, keep away. free pass or not. as if. you're only worth that, are you? to be his 'free pass' shag? sounds to me like he's on his way to being an ex-friend.

gamerchick Thu 26-Jun-14 20:58:21

Erm yeah tell him to knob off.

Or say you're going to check with his girlfriend first. Either way it sounds like your friendship has ended.

movingtoourwillow Thu 26-Jun-14 20:58:51

Tell him to fuck off, sounds like you have more self-respect than that. Are you friends with his fiancee too? What a creep.

CanaryYellow Thu 26-Jun-14 20:59:37

He sounds like a real creepy fucker.

I think you need to be more choosy about your 'friends'.

Kerryp Thu 26-Jun-14 21:00:36

Tell him to piss off, I don't know why you'd even want him as a friend. No means no. Can't be done with cheaters.

Mouldypineapple Thu 26-Jun-14 21:00:51

Run away!! Very inappropriate behaviour. And hardly what should be expected from someone about to get married! Do you know his fiancé? If so you could drop unsubtle hints perhaps, or even tell her outright what he's up to. I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone who thinks that behaviour is right.

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:09

The disappointing thing is, up until now he has always been lovely and supportive and not creepy at all. So this has come as a real shock. I said to him that I don't want to be used for sex and he gave me a big speech about how much I mean to him as a friend and how much he cares about me and is so glad we are close and apologised for overstepping the mark. But the next day he was exactly the same.

Tommy Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:11

"free pass"???? I think you're well rid of him - and if the fiancee is a friend (or even if she isn't) she'd be well rid of him too

AndHarry Thu 26-Jun-14 21:01:23

If he's making you feel uncomfortable and is getting pushy when you tell him so then he sounds aggressive and unpleasant. His behaviour would scare me and I would be distancing myself from him.

Melonbreath Thu 26-Jun-14 21:02:21

You want to stay friends with this bell end?

passmethewineplease Thu 26-Jun-14 21:02:24

He sounds like a creep.

Lucked Thu 26-Jun-14 21:07:31

Personally I would tell him to "bugger off, you creep" but there would be part of me that would want to wind him up so if he mentioned it again I would text him " just have to meet up with your DF to check about this free pass, is she about for coffee this week?"

But no don't touch him with someone else's barge pole. The poor DF, imagine marrying that scrot!

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:07:48

I don't really know his DP so can't ask her. I asked him why he's even getting married if he wants to do things like this and he just said that's the kind of relationship they have and she doesn't mind.

I find this hard to believe though. When I see them in photos together they look like a normal couple, not odd or distant. Plus I would be really angry if I was her and I found out my DP (who I was marrying in a month) was acting this way.

It's just so disappointing. Why did he have to complicate things like this and ruin a good friendship? angry

magoria Thu 26-Jun-14 21:10:30

I wonder if his fiancee knows she has cheated and given him a free pass.

What are the rules?

Is this free pass a once off or as many times as the pair of you feel like it? How long is it for? Until he is married or does it carry on after?

You have told him no and he has carried on exactly the same. He also insult you and calls you uptight when you don't want to get involved on cam.

Where is the respect for you and your friendship in that?

If that is the respect he has for you now, what will it be like after?

He as the others have said sounds like a creep. He sounds to me like a man who knows you are vulnerable and he can play on your naturally lowered self esteem to get his leg over.

LulaPalooza Thu 26-Jun-14 21:10:59

The answer is in your thread title... "wants to use me"

He's not a friend

YellowTulips Thu 26-Jun-14 21:14:00

You have not ruined a good friendship - he has.

Does he realise how insulting he is being to both you and his partner ? Scrub that - clearly not.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to piss off. Then go no contact. He's not your friend - he's a faithless, insulting, deluded twat.

Monty27 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:14:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoveSardines Thu 26-Jun-14 21:18:50


4 years you've been friends with him and now he pulls this shit. Why WHY do some men do this? The whole thing where you're going along quite happily thinking it's all platonic and fine and you get on well and then suddenly it's all them harbouring stuff and going fucking weird.

I'm afraid your only option is to write him off. What a fucking waste of a 4 year friendship. He doesn't seem to understand that while he has a free pass (HA!) to sleep with you, you also get a say in matters. You have said no and he persists. That is out of line and frankly I'd be very surprised if his GF knew anyway so really you need to just ditch him.

I am so sorry.

EllaFitzgerald Thu 26-Jun-14 21:19:07

So YOU need to relax because HE has a free pass? He doesn't seem to realise that you're the only one who gets to choose who you sleep with! What an arrogant arse.

And what sort of person would forgive their partner on the condition he gets to be unfaithful too? Think we can all guess how that relationship is going to work out. I wonder whether his fiancée knows he has a 'free pass'

LineRunner Thu 26-Jun-14 21:21:14

I would definitely want to lose him as a friend.


lavenderhoney Thu 26-Jun-14 21:22:28

I'd stop chatting to him instantly. He's not the friend you thought he was. You talk every day and on webcam? This guy should be worrying about his wedding going well, not gossiping with someone his fiancé doesn't know. I bet she doesn't know he talks to you in quite so much intimate detailsmile

He probably thought you talked about missing sex as a come on and now can't see why his selfless offer of a good seeing to hasn't been taken up.

Are you invited to the wedding? That could be awkward. I hope you don't drink and become loquacious. And can run in heels if you do.

myusernameis Thu 26-Jun-14 21:23:01

Apparently his fiancée does not mind him sleeping with someone else but he doesn't seem to care whether you mind or not! You've told him you're not interested and he should respect that. The fact he has continued to ask suggests that he doesn't really care what you want.

Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with this man anymore.

eli004 Thu 26-Jun-14 21:27:06

To people suggesting I might take him up on this - I wouldn't and I've been clear about that. So there will be nothing happening and no need to face his fiancee. I have been invited to his wedding reception but I'm not going.

Agree with what LoveSardines said - you have summed up how I feel. It's just a waste of a friendship and it's a bit gutting as I have lost friends recently through distance, my recent breakup through them taking sides etc. so really value the ones I have and want to keep them. Seems like I've now lost another one.

YellowTulips Thu 26-Jun-14 21:43:27

You lost someone you thought was a friend. He has shown you he is not.

Yes it's gutting but better know now than in 10 years.


MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Thu 26-Jun-14 21:48:01

I think you're flattered by the attention or you wouldn't be posting this.

You'll come to realise this, though...married men do this. A LOT! angry

EarthWindFire Thu 26-Jun-14 22:41:19

Stay well away. If I was you I would also tell him exactly how badly he is behaving!

Wooodpecker Thu 26-Jun-14 22:54:22

Wow. He knows how to spoil someone doesn't he.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Thu 26-Jun-14 23:00:09

You have said you don't want to have sex with him and he is persisting in trying to have sex with you.

That's the essence of this, not his reasons or your reasons, that he is not respecting your decision about your sex life and your body.

And people wonder what rape culture is.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Thu 26-Jun-14 23:03:43

"I think you're flattered by the attention or you wouldn't be posting this. "

OP has a long term friend, or so she thought, who is now trying to take advantage of her unhappiness about a break up, she's sad because she doesn't know many other people and you conclude she's "flattered"?


wafflyversatile Thu 26-Jun-14 23:04:04

'If you care for me as a human being, let alone a friend, you will respect my refusal and stop pressurising me into having sex with you'.

gelati3 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:13:33

Guard your heart. He certainly isn't worthy of it, IMO. Sounds like he is trying to take advantage of you, when you are likely feeling vulnerable after your break-up. FWB never benefits the woman so please steer well clear.

Fontella Thu 26-Jun-14 23:36:38

You haven't lost a friend. You've lost a sleazy fucker who seems to thinks it's ok to pressure you sexually and continues to do so even when you've told him no.

He's the one who has lost a friend.

Tell him to fuck off and go and find someone else to cheat on his fiancee with, because you aren't interested.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jun-14 23:43:52

Stop talking to him now, I am not really sure why you have let these chats go in such a direction so far, tbh

he isn't a "friend" he is a sexual predator

and for the record, you don't need to be a close friend of his fiancee to get them both in the same room and say "so, about this free pass..."

drop him

EverythingCounts Thu 26-Jun-14 23:56:22

His fiancée has 'given him a free pass'? Yes, of course she has, she won't mind at all. Oh look, there's a pig flying past my window. What a crock of shit.

He is not behaving like a friend worth losing right now, so I would stay away. If you happen to be in his company again and he starts this, I would pick up your mobile and say 'What's your fiancée's number?' He will ask why you ask. 'Well, you keep spinning this line about the free pass and tbh I don't believe a word of it and it is incredibly sleazy of you even to try it. But I'll give you a fair chance to prove me wrong - let's ring your fiancée now and I'll ask her directly to confirm it to me'. You will never see anyone backtrack so fast.

YouMakeMeHappy Fri 27-Jun-14 00:00:23

I understand why you are disappointed and want to stay friends. But I don't think he ever saw you as a real friend, more of a potential shag. Sorry, but I'd drop him too. What a loser.

MysteryMan1 Fri 27-Jun-14 00:01:07

I'm with everyone on this, he is no friend I'm afraid. A lot of guys think with their dicks and they will sacrifice pretty much anything in that pursuit. Sorry but time to stop contact and be very firm if he so much as raises it again.

BanjoKazooie Fri 27-Jun-14 00:06:31

I would have stopped the conversation the second it started getting creepy or the second he started talking about sex. He wouldn't have got the opportunity to carry on chatting about it for the next few days.

A married guy I used to work with once, very unexpectedly, began to tell me how he had fallen for me. I instantly told him to fuck off and stop being such a knob and then I avoided him. Problem solved.

frames Fri 27-Jun-14 00:14:44

"Whore it if you want" ..pointless nasty post.
The free pass. IMO he just wants to play around and this is his way of leading you in. It sounds so much more fun than 'she doesn't understand me' and might work. Whether you see it through and sleep with him, or not, it would seem whatever you did have as friends is over. Find loads to do, and leave him alone.

BIWI Fri 27-Jun-14 00:18:19

Well, welcome to Mumsnet, OP.

You've known him for 4 years, but you've never met his partner, with whom he has been for the last ten years?


sykadelic Fri 27-Jun-14 00:27:05

BIWI - I doubt it's bullshit. Girl I've known for 10 years (one might say one of my best friends) has been dating, and since married, a guy I don't know and have never met. I'm not friends with him, I'm friends with her. We meet up together. We don't live in the same town.

These things happen.

Monty27 Fri 27-Jun-14 00:48:59

Poor woman. The woman he is due to marry sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 06:36:23

"Why did he have to complicate things like this and ruin a good friendship?"

IME very few male/female adult friendships are purely platonic... one usually has a bit of a thing for the other, even if it never goes anywhere. You said you started talking about what you missed about a partner, including sex. Some people take any reference to sex in a conversation as flirting and that's what's happened here. He's always fancied you a little bit, you give him the 'I'm so lonely' speech and he took a shot... . So just be aware of what you're saying and how it might get interpreted

eli004 Fri 27-Jun-14 06:44:28

It's not bullshit. We met through a uni course associated with our jobs so we had our own separate friendship group through that. She has been at social events such as graduation etc but it doesn't mean I know her really well. I didn't actually say I hadn't met her, if you read my posts.

Monty27, stop posting with these pointless condemning posts. I haven't actually done anything. We have always had open conversations about sex and relationships before with our friendship group so that's why i didn't stop him straightaway when he spoke about sex in a general way. I used to believe that you could be just friends with a man and i treated him the same way as I did my female friends.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 06:50:10

"I used to believe that you could be just friends with a man and i treated him the same way as I did my female friends."

Truth is you can't unless he's a gay man... hmm I get flamed a lot on here for saying that (and someone will be along shortly to say 'ffs Cog, I talk to my best male bud about everything!') but IME, it takes very little encouragement for an adult male friend to think you're giving him the old come-hither and chance his arm.

SanityClause Fri 27-Jun-14 06:55:22

Well, I also feel sorry for the woman he is going to marry, Monty27, but that is not the OP's fault.

mummytime Fri 27-Jun-14 07:01:27

Corgito - I think you are talking crap! But I know a lot of people who would agree with you.

I do think you can only have a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex that is purely platonic until one of you starts to think, and especially talk about the other one in a sexual way. Or maybe until it is so long after your "sexual relationship" that you are both well over it, and thinking "what was I doing, they're okay but....".
And the "unless he's a gay man" doesn't really work, as a lot of gay people are at least slightly bi (just as most straight people are slightly bi).

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 27-Jun-14 07:12:25

Cogito is right I think.
OP, where are your boundaries? How and why is he still talking to you about this proposition - why haven't you fucked him off out of your life yet? You say you don't want to lose him as a friend but that ship has sailed and is halfway across the world by now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 07:12:35

The man is twenty-something.... he's going to take a shot.... smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Jun-14 07:15:06

Her... 'I miss cock'
Him (gallantly)... 'Let me be your cock'


babbinocaro Fri 27-Jun-14 07:17:51

Wow his soon to be wife must be so cool and evolved being so happy for you and he to be good friends.
The reality of it is so often this, woman thinks she has a friend, man think he's on a promise albeit a slow and understated one with a fallback friend.I'm sorry for you if this is the case. You know he is insulting you.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Fri 27-Jun-14 07:20:41

You don't risk losing him as a friends because he's managed to do that all by himself. It will never be the same.

The only sane thing to do is run for the hills

DuchessFanny Fri 27-Jun-14 07:28:08

There is no 'loss' in telling this creep to do one !
I'm sorry you feel like you've lost him as a friend, but you don't need someone like this in your life !
And his poor DP ... No words for quite how sorry I feel for her !

MysteryMan1 Fri 27-Jun-14 08:08:26

As a bloke, I think Cognito is right. You can be friends but only up to a point. Unless he doesn't find you physically attractive of course. In which case you can be a mate but I would argue not in the same 'league' as one of the guys.

It's "when Harry met Sally" all over-great film!!

BalloonSlayer Fri 27-Jun-14 08:18:52

"I don't want to lose him as a friend" confused

Why? He's awful. He wants to cheat on his fiancee before they are even married and he's made up an appalling lie - and slur on her character - (you do realise it IS a lie, don't you) to facilitate that.


LumieresForMe Fri 27-Jun-14 08:19:52

OP I had a guy once who told me do liar. That he was married but his DW 'didn't mind', that was 'the sort relationship they have'.
He was just a twat that was hopping for quick self esteem boost through sex.

However, I do t think that all men are just so focused and obsessed by sex that they can't be friend with a woman! It's just that guy that is a twat!

HenI5 Fri 27-Jun-14 12:07:35

Well obviously you wouldn't want to lose the friend that you thought he was, the big question is do you want the friend that he's turned out to be? they're quite different.

DenzelWashington Fri 27-Jun-14 12:09:32

Please do lose him as a friend. He has no respect for you.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Jun-14 12:11:13

Friends don't treat each other like this

superhands Fri 27-Jun-14 12:23:42

'I don't find you sexually attractive so free pass or not, I don't want to sleep with you.'

'Stop fucking ruining things by going on like this.
No means NO and if you don't back off of this subject we won't be friends anymore'


maras2 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:51:37

OMFG.What a scuzzy chancer.He's so not your friend. < boak >

rosepetalsoup Fri 27-Jun-14 15:14:07

Seriously, I went to university with this guy (or my own version of him). Was v roped in and ended up going to bed after a friendly night turned the wrong way. He had a gf then, who he's now married to. I thought they were on-off. She didn't know.

Anyway, whatever -- aside from having been coerced into something morally repugnant it was confusing and wasted a lot of my time thinking about it. You need to be finding someone nice and dating yourself, not doing this. Don't forget that you are recently broken-up and vulnerable. Look after yourself.

FWIW I'm no longer friends with mine, after realising we weren't friends in the first place, he just had a very long-winded, cowardly way of getting people to shag him.

As someone said to me 'There's plenty more fish in the sea - but this is a rusty old shopping trolley'.

QuailLegs Fri 27-Jun-14 20:14:17

You seriously need to ask whether you should just stay away from him? shock

Bogeyface Fri 27-Jun-14 21:20:16

I get very pissed off on threads like this because invariably someone will say "I think you are flattered and are considering it", that says more about the poster than the OP!

I had this happen to me, it broke several friendships of mine because his wife found out and decided to believe him (despite his previous affairs) when he said that I had been making a play for him and not the other way around. I was frozen out of a large friendship group and I was heartbroken. I had done nothing wrong! I suspect that after trying to laugh it off, ignore it and be nice (which lets face it, most of us would do at least at first), when I was crystal clear and blunt about wanting him to leave me alone, he "accidentally" allowed his wife to find certain texts that he had selectively kept so that I was punished by the social exclusion. I cant be sure about this but a man who successfully hid a year long affair wouldnt be that lax about his phone. That affair only came out when the OW turned up at the wifes door and told her everything.

Bogeyface Fri 27-Jun-14 21:22:41 point was that "just stay away from him" isnt always that easy if you are part of a friendship group. The OP is probably worried that she will end up in the same situation that I did, and be the one that loses those friendships despite being an innocent victim of his predatory behaviour.

frames Fri 27-Jun-14 22:02:06

Agree with you bogey...about the 'flattered, considering it posts' so pointless really, just stirs it! Your experience sounds awful, it is difficult, to know, who or what to believe, and the isolation is nasty, but as in my op...keep busy, and be true to yourself.

eli004 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:41:17

Thank you smile that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to lose my other friends because we still meet up together quite often. I have told him to back off and he has apologised. I think i will distance myself now.

Monty27 Sat 28-Jun-14 02:43:56

Costly Shat then?confused

Monty27 Sat 28-Jun-14 02:44:12

Lol! Shag

Monty27 Sat 28-Jun-14 02:44:58

Tell him to bog off.

HexBramble Sat 28-Jun-14 06:51:32

I have 2 close male friends OP. By that I mean I see one twice a week for training and we often drive together for lengthy distances every other month for a sporting event we both take part in. We are together a lot and have to be physically close for the training we do. Trust is everything (between us, our partners etc).

Should he take our conversations into sex, I think I'd vomit/feel absolutely gutted/totally repelled. The conversation wouldn't get past the first 2 minutes. To me, it's unthinkable. The relationship would be over, no doubt about it. Yes, Id grieve, but once that line has been crossed it can't be undone.

You've let this problem escalate and by keeping him as a 'friend', he thinks he has a chance.

This man is no friend of yours. He's a predator and he thinks you're 'up for it' or else he wouldn't be so persistent.

It sounds like I'm blaming you OP but why on earth are you still holding him in regard as a friend? Step away now and go non contact.

I know you are grieving over your breakup, and naturally you don't want more loss, but this man is no friend of yours.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sat 28-Jun-14 07:43:13

"You've let this problem escalate and by keeping him as a 'friend', he thinks he has a chance. "

He has escalated the problem.

"It sounds like I'm blaming you OP"

Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.

She has said this has happened over the last few days - and now she has sought advice; she has said she and her friend are generally comfortable discussing sex, unlike you and your friend.

You're grieving a bit for the friend you thought you had. You want to think that this is just a blip and that things will go back to 'normal'. The fact that he apologised for overstepping the mark then immediately brought it back up the next day, would indicate that it's not a blip.

The thing that got my attention was that the offer was all about him; HE had a free pass, HE wants to sleep with you, HIS fiancee won't mind, HE'S always fancied you. Put this into context about what you'd just been telling him OP; that you'd split up with someone, the things that you missed about your previous partner, the fact that you are still recovering from the end of this relationship. At what point has your 'friend' considered how a quick fuck with him will be any good for you emotionally? What about your friendship?

He hasn't considered any of this - because he just wants a shag and doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings, how you might be affected by this and whether it would be a good outcome for you. Therefore my advice would be to walk away from this friendship, because this man does not care about you as a friend - if he did, then he wouldn't be focussing on his dick at the expense of your best interests.

Sympathies, OP. If this had happened once only, when the man was drunk, and he subsequently apologised, it might have been possible to keep him as a friend, but the fact that he has been persistent despite you telling him you don't want to have sex with him ever indicates that he is predatory, abusive and a woman-hater and not the friend you thought he was at all. This is a man who sees all women as holes for his cock, basically, and socialising with any woman is only a matter of waiting till the right moment to penetrate her.
If he still persists, tell him you will report him to the police for sexual harassment if he doesn't leave you alone: that should scare him off.

HexBramble Sat 28-Jun-14 12:47:10

Yes of course he's escalated it but OP has already stated on the thread that she doesn't want to lose him as a friend. It's exactly this sentiment that's perpetuating the problem. He can't be relied upon to wind his neck in and stop, so she has little option. She stays and puts up with his vile sexual advances or she cuts him out of her life for good.

OP you are grieving over a relationship and I can more than understand you wanting your friends close. But this man sees your vulnerability and he really feels he's in with a chance. The fact that he's not hearing your rejections strikes me as pretty sinister tbh and comes back to the fundamental No being No. He's not listening to you. This makes me feel quite worried - what about when you're all out having a drink or socialising and his inhibitions are lowered even more?

I agree with Cogito in that I feel that you cannot talk about sex (in terms of personal likes, dislikes, missing sex etc) with a male friend - I just think it's too intimate a topic. Maybe that's just me but I don't even discuss intimacies with girlfriends, let alone my male friends.

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