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Met guy online 6 months ago....

(229 Posts)
LittleLadyFooFoo Tue 24-Jun-14 20:43:27

...and I've just seen he has activated his profile yesterday! He's been online last night after he told me he was having an early night.
We have been together for 6 months exclusively. As far as I was concerned, everything was great. He's loving, caring, affectionate...and I thought honest and trustworthy.
He will be calling me tonight. How do I broach the subject that I saw him online dating?
(Reason I saw him was my friend is online dating on the same site, and she was showing me her profile and messages. That's when I saw him online. Was a real shock).
Any advice as to what to say to him is welcome. Thanks.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Tue 24-Jun-14 20:56:03

' hello. My friend was showing me her dating profile yesterday and I noticed that you'd updated your profile and were active on there. Why is this? '

You know why though. He's keeping his options open and needs to be given the old heave oh I should think. Don't be fobbed off. Be clear, direct and don't take any bullshit

LittleLadyFooFoo Tue 24-Jun-14 21:08:10

Thanks....I'm so disappointed as he seemed such a good guy. He called but I missed the call. Now it's gone onto answer machine. Will have to wait till tomorrow. Or do I text?

zukkermaus Tue 24-Jun-14 21:51:54

Bit of benefit of the doubt needed here I think.

Maybe he was checking to see if he had a message from you? Maybe he was showing a friend this cool dating site he met the lady of his dreams through? All kinds of reasons why he would show as active. Don't be so hasty. At least let the dude explain.

TalisaMaegyr Tue 24-Jun-14 21:53:46

Yes, let him explain. But polish up your bullshit detector first.

Rachie1986 Tue 24-Jun-14 21:55:20

No harm in asking him before you decide what to do.

Update us?

LizzieBelle Tue 24-Jun-14 22:00:23

Its like going on a picnic - you find a nice spot (the girl), but you cant help just seeing what's around the corner just incase its a nicer place to sit.

He found you on there, so hes thinking he may get lucky again. I don't know why they do it, but they forget everyone can see it. Give him a chance to explain and you will know from his reaction why...

good luck xsmile

LittleLadyFooFoo Tue 24-Jun-14 23:24:37

Thank you all for your advice. I didnt get the chance to speak to him tonight. He text to say he will call tomorrow (he works away M-F). It was his usual friendly type text.
I dont have a dating profile. I deleted it soon after we met. So he wouldnt be checking messages from me. I was able to see his online activity through my friend's profile. He was online from about 9 till 11pm last night and around 7.30 - 8 pm tonight.
Im not in love with him but i do really like him alot. Its around a year since I separated and he is a widower.
I will let you know how I get on tomorrow.

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 16:23:25

Just checked and hes been online again so will definitely be having a word tonight. Will update.

TalisaMaegyr Wed 25-Jun-14 16:54:46

Good luck, we shall wait for your update. Hope it all goes well.

SassyPasty Wed 25-Jun-14 17:03:30

I would wait until you can speak face to face so that you can gauge body language.

Onesleeptillwembley Wed 25-Jun-14 17:09:41

I was going to say he may be deleting his profile but obviously not. I'd have minimal contact this week, plead illness/bad throat so cant speak, watch his profile and actually ask him face to face at weekend, to see his reaction. wine

HopefulMum111 Wed 25-Jun-14 17:32:28

Why don't you re activate your profile and send him a message...

ImperialBlether Wed 25-Jun-14 17:39:14

I don't know why he's still got a profile if he's seeing you.

He may have initially gone on because he had an email saying someone had written to him or viewed him or whatever. I think most people would then go on and have a look. But he's spent several hours on there - even if he went on and then left it on accidentally, he still went on several times over a couple of days.

cozietoesie Wed 25-Jun-14 17:43:13

It sounds just as if, I'm afraid, he's past the first flush and is putting himself back in it. Maybe he missed some thrill or something.

By all means ask him what's going on but as someone said upthread, keep that bullshit detector highly polished.

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 20:20:18

Just sent a text. No reply and checked online and hes on right now... think i have my answer. I dont know if i will see him this weekend so I need to ask him.

Could your friend not send him a message,? & see what he comes back with.

Quitelikely Wed 25-Jun-14 20:31:54

Good idea flatbellybella!!

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 20:33:45

i did think about that...but he knows her and Im not sure. He would recognise her. Im so disappointed with him. I supported him at a very difficult time in his life. He said he realised that what he has with me is not easy to find. So much for my trust/honesty radar!!

Pinklaydee1302 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:00:05

I'd set up a fake profile n message him. Serves him right!

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:21:34

Ok...I've set up a fake profile...eek! What do I say?

cozietoesie Wed 25-Jun-14 21:22:56

Finding out now is hard but better, I think, than finding out a year or two down the line when you might be even more intertwined than you are now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 25-Jun-14 21:23:15

Ooh sleuthing! Just send him a nice flirty message. Or just view his profile and see whether he messages yours.

ImperialBlether Wed 25-Jun-14 21:24:27

I think your friend should view his profile to let him know you've copped onto him.

msrisotto Wed 25-Jun-14 21:24:33

Don't play games. Just talk to him.

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:25:12

Ok...I've viewed him...I await with baited breath!

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:25:58

I've tried calling him but he's not answering his phone.

MaryShelley Wed 25-Jun-14 21:26:09

Don't try and 'trick' him with a fake profile.

If you want a mature and honest relationship just have an adult discussion about it. Honestly, don't over complicate and make a drama out of this.

cozietoesie Wed 25-Jun-14 21:27:40

I wouldn't contact him through the site. Just ask him outright - he'll be in touch sooner or later.

Only1scoop Wed 25-Jun-14 21:29:35

I would also ask him outright. Face to face though ....less easy for him to hide any lies....or get cut off etc....

TalisaMaegyr Wed 25-Jun-14 21:30:00

No, I know it's tempting, but wait until you can speak to him face to face. Easier said than done, I know.

Only1scoop Wed 25-Jun-14 21:31:51

You can also see how 'active' he is in the meantime....

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:33:18

Ok....I shall wait till I see him. I'm better when I'm face to face. I'm just so angry and upset too. He knows what my ex partner put me through and I don't need this knock to my confidence.
Thanks everyone. I will keep you up to date.

scottishmummy Wed 25-Jun-14 21:35:40

Its a conversation to have face to face,maybe he wants you and bit on side

Only1scoop Wed 25-Jun-14 21:36:05

Op I understand years ago the same happened to me. It's horrible. I know it's hard but don't let on you know until you see him. If he recognises your friend he will be forewarned anyway I guess.

brdgrl Wed 25-Jun-14 21:38:54

There's really no reason he can give that will make this OK, though, is there?
I'm sorry. He's a shitty coward, I suspect.

cozietoesie Wed 25-Jun-14 21:41:08

Best arrange for the next time you see him to be in some 'third party' place (eg a restaurant or bar) where you can walk away if you want. In either of your houses wouldn't be such a good idea - particularly if it was yours.

SweetsForMySweet Wed 25-Jun-14 21:44:16

I'm sorry but I think it is a big redflag. He is saying he is being exclusive with you but is actively using online dating websites. If he doesn't see anything wrong with this, he probably wouldn't think anything of cheating on you in the future. If he was only checking old messages, he would not be on there every night for hours. It will be interesting to see if he responds to your fake profile. Don't invest too much emotion into this Op, go with your gut and protect yourself.

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:44:29

He viewed me but no reply.
Shall just wait. Tbh, no one else will probably put up with his neediness.
I have lost faith again :-(

Rachie1986 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:46:49

Sorry you aren't getting anywhere. Thinking of you xx

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:48:31

Ok...he has just text me with a how was your day at work kind of text....as if nothing is wrong. Arggghhhh.

scottishmummy Wed 25-Jun-14 21:48:38

If hes needy whats the appeal?6 mth,you can walk away easily
If you want to
Stop saving or befriending needy men

brdgrl Wed 25-Jun-14 21:49:42

LittleLady, don't lose faith...this isn't about you or about all men...it's about one prat.

scottishmummy Wed 25-Jun-14 21:51:24

No faith required,its not religion its online dating
op Best avoid the needy ones if you have propensity for complicated men

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Wed 25-Jun-14 21:52:43

I think you know your answer. sad

I met some one online - he too turned out to be a cock

Only1scoop Wed 25-Jun-14 22:08:52

Neeedy eeeeuuuu

What a turn off.

Think he may have done you a favour in the long run.

Next

Fruityb Wed 25-Jun-14 22:17:46

Was going to say sometimes those websites show inactive profiles as active; I remember when I used match how many it said we're active but as soon as you signed up properly they displeased!

However this explanation may have already been foiled. I do think you should just talk rather than using a fake profile. Are you sure it's him using it and it's not someone else using it to look around like a friend of his? There could be an innocent explanation.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 22:19:01

OP you have your answer loud and clear. He has the opportunity as in working away during the week, plenty of time to go on line then huh. If I were you I'd just not answer his calls ever again. What for? So you can cry and tell him you thought you had a relationship, so you can vent and give him the excuse of calling you a nutter. It sucks of course and I really do feel for you. You were his "sometimes" weekend girl.

Cry to your friends, do not ever speak to him again. Block and delete.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 22:20:23

By the way he's not needy at all, he's a player and good at sucking people in.

scottishmummy Wed 25-Jun-14 22:33:12

Op stop rescuing needy men,its unnecessary.and hes suckered you in
Needy?more like horny and online looking for lassies
Anyho,6 mth in.no great loss

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 22:42:14

I thought I better explain...I meant needy as in he is a widower. His wife died 2 years ago. He is still grieving and he needed lots of support and reassurance as he felt guilt dating someone else. I probably was being a bit harsh earlier with my comment regards neediness.
However, no excuse for him being online dating after 6 months of being with me.
I have considered it could be someone else using his profile as he lives with his brother when working away. However, I'm probably clutching at straws. Just disappointed as he seemed lovely and he was hot!

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 22:53:21

He felt guilty dating someone else? He's on line OP. Don't fall into that trap! Have you spent time at his house?

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 22:56:24

The man is a liar and (if his wife died) makes him bloody worse! He has "used" that!

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 22:58:48

I have only been at his house a handful of times. He spends more. Time at mine.
He has just called me as if nothing is wrong. We have arranged a weekend meet (cinema) so will speak to him them. But I'm a bit of a cynic since my ex (children's father). And there really isno excuse for his online activity.
I have learnt something about myself though...I'm stronger than I though.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:02:09

why on earth haven't you called him on it OP? why would you see him and "pretend" also that he hasn't done what he has? are you scared to let go of something that isn't worthy of you?

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:04:19

OP really? tell him you saw him on-line and dump his arse. you can go round the houses all you want but the fact is he's looking elsewhere. There is no excuse.

brdgrl Wed 25-Jun-14 23:04:44

LittleLady I thought that was what you meant, I am married to a man who was a widower.
I had an absolute epiphany moment about six months into the relationship when I realised that his widower status didn't change one single thing about my needs or my desire to be with someone who treated me as an equal - that I deserved to be in a relationship where I was treated well and not expected to accept excuses for anything less - just like any other person with healthy self-esteem and a capacity to love. If he was ready to treat me with respect and real love, then I'd be all in, but I wasn't going to make any excuses for him.

Your BF may give you a lot of excuses about why he's been on the site, and I predict some of them will be about his grief. They may even be genuine. But that isn't a reason for you to accept them. You deserve better, no matter how hot he is! x

LittleLadyFooFoo Wed 25-Jun-14 23:16:36

Tinks and brd...thanks for feedback. I really appreciate your honesty.
My plan is to tell him face to face at the weekend. I agree, my bullshit detector will be polished especially for the occasion.
I put up with crap from my ex, so no matter how hot this guy is, you are right...I am worth more. I have been attending counselling for my self esteem and confidence since my separation from my children's father last year. I am not prepared to take a backward step.
Thanks...everyone who has replied has given me the kick up the ass I needed to take of my rosé tinted specs.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:21:30

Good luck OP. You have come so far by the sounds of it, don't let this arse of a liar step back.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:23:40

make "you" step back (of course, stupid sticky keyboard). If anything go the other way and a whif of a scent, run for the hills. People that are genuine never give you a reason to doubt a thing.

Tinks42 Wed 25-Jun-14 23:37:06

In order to post in relationships on here there is something "wrong" and to have hardly any history with someone it means you know in your heart that its a "dump" situation however you try to convince yourself different. If it doesn't feel right it isn't.

daisychain01 Thu 26-Jun-14 06:39:37

littlelady just to agree with what PPs have said, bereavement, loss of a partner is no reason for bad behaviour, said by someone who is myself a widow and had to put my life back together after losing my DH suddenly.

It was very hard starting to date after losing someone you love and having to rebuild, it involved a lot of soul-searching. I met my now DP online, and thinking about where we were 6 months down the line (ie at the stage you are now), we had both closed our online dating accounts, together at the same computer! After about 6 weeks.

To move forward after my DH was a big deal for me, but I am sure there are many responses to bereavement, for example some attempt to "search for" what you've lost, which of course you cant replace, you just have to move forward sad.

I am not for a moment excusing your guy, him going back on the dating site really isn't on! Like brdgrl has said, you have needs and you deserve to be treated respectfully and honestly.

I hope he gives you a reasonable explanation, but I'd be very careful about excuses linked to bereavement, if anything you'd think he would want to respect the memory of his late DW by being faithful in dating.

scottishmummy Thu 26-Jun-14 06:49:43

You seem very sensible in your reflections.hes at it
Do be aware its not your role to save or rescue men.widowers or not
If you have a predilection to rescue folk,be mindful it can be impair judgement

TalisaMaegyr Thu 26-Jun-14 17:42:10

I can't believe you're waiting until the weekend to confront him about this! How can you stand it?

TheWorldAccordingToJC Thu 26-Jun-14 18:12:44

I refer you to my first message!

honestly don't play games. it's pretty obvious he's keeping options open and that's absolutely fine - providing you're in the loop about that. you're.not - so he's in the wrong

just call him tonight and ask him why he's online.every.night and then await his response

daisychain01 Thu 26-Jun-14 18:28:49

theWorld I agree with you - playing games really takes you down a slippery slope. Honest conversation, this is what I need, what do you need? bish-bash-bosh.

I've only just found out by being on MN about the technique of setting up a bogus account and trying to get the person to respond (shows how slow I am smile

ruready2c2 Thu 26-Jun-14 18:29:51

Just so you know most of these sites show you on-line when start up your computor .You don't need to be on there web site

TheWorldAccordingToJC Thu 26-Jun-14 18:37:17

Sounds like a convenient excuse to me Ru!

I had a boyfriend some years ago who did exactly this. We'd been dating a few months and we'd had the exclusivity chat. It wasn't love but y'know .. It was ok!

I was on the site closing my account when I checked on his. It showed him as active within the past 24 hours. I thought ' hmmm' and left my account as it was and then spent a couple of days checking. It showed him at various times online.

I just called him and asked. He said he was on there trying to close his account. I said, ' what, for the last three days? ' and he said ' it's just difficult finding the right area of the site to do it '

I didn't believe him. So I just knocked it on the head.

I honestly think that online dating IS all about seeing multiple people and dating etc. why not? And I don't actually see a need to completely announce this it someone you're dating as such.

But if you've had a chat about not seeing other people then it's poor behaviour to keel having a little look ' just in case .. ' I mean, when do you stop doing that?

So I really would ask him directly and pleasantly with no apologies or explanations as to how you know. That's kind of irrelevant. Have an honest chat. And don't be fobbed off.

I'd probably ditch him and find someone else. Life is too short to be with someone you can't actually trust. The exception would be if you liked him enough to keep dating him but also saw other people yourself. Is this something you could do? If not, then get rid

LittleLadyFooFoo Thu 26-Jun-14 20:37:47

I will see him tomorrow so will wait.
I want to see his body language. I think OD is about seeing other people when you are scouting around. However, after 6 months and an exclusive talk, its not on. I went OD to find a partner, and not one I am prepared to share.
He has not been on today. I did notice that if you dont log out you remain online. However, I think Im kidding myself. Trust is important and its not easy to get back once broken. I like him a lot (fancy him heaps) but not enough to waste time playing games.
Tbanks for all your advice...everyone who has replied...I will let you know what happens.

TalisaMaegyr Thu 26-Jun-14 21:33:45

You've got your head screwed on OP. I like the cut of your jib grin

LittleLadyFooFoo Thu 26-Jun-14 23:55:25

He is sooooo dumped!! He just sent me a text...all friendly with kisses...and 5 mins later I check and he's online!! Feel like texting him right now. Should I? Or hold out till I see him in person tomorrow? Grrr!

YoBitch Fri 27-Jun-14 00:23:42

OP, I actually don't believe you are going to dump him. you would have done it by now otherwise.

Only1scoop Fri 27-Jun-14 00:25:16

No just face to face tmrw....if you can still be arsed to meet up.

brdgrl Fri 27-Jun-14 00:28:12

Face to face. I'd be tempted to give him a lot of rope first, though...

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 27-Jun-14 00:37:12

Yo, believe me.. I will be dumping! I want to see his face when I tell him what I know. Then I shall be getting in my car and driving home!

Only1scoop Fri 27-Jun-14 00:40:55

Op do you think he may suspect you know already? Do you think he has recognised your friend? Did he reply to your fake message?

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 27-Jun-14 07:51:41

No, I don't think he suspects a thing. My friend blocked him so he won't be able to see her. He never replied to my message no.
I am seething. I must be slipping with my judgements of people. I honestly thought my luck was in....I thought he was honest and trustworthy as well as fun and attractive. But hey, I've learnt a lesson...not to be so gullible. Thanks for your message.
And just as I finished typing that last sentence, he's sent me a lovely, good morning text!!!! Now thinking maybe I'm not the only one he's texting.

Only1scoop Fri 27-Jun-14 08:00:41

I think you have done amazing not to blurt it out. Is it tonight you are seeing him? Can you arrange to see a friend or go out afterwards? Don't let him completely ruin your evening.

Sorry Op it is vile when it happens. I do understand.

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 27-Jun-14 08:11:13

I'm meeting him with the intentions of a drink and cinema, but I have signed up to my work staff night out...so I shall meet him for a drink, tell him what I know...and then go out partying with my colleagues :0)

Only1scoop Fri 27-Jun-14 08:16:48

Great....glad you have plans.

Thank goodness you have found out now.

penguinplease Fri 27-Jun-14 14:27:41

Please keep us updated!! Well done for refusing to put up with this crap behaviour

QuailLegs Fri 27-Jun-14 20:18:17

Good luck OP. What a horrible man.

TalisaMaegyr Fri 27-Jun-14 20:30:00

Good luck FooFoo thanks

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 27-Jun-14 20:58:37

How did it go LittleLady?

pauline6703 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:18:39

You saw him on the site. You were on it so maybe he was on for an equally innocent reason. Talk to him. Talk to him and sort it out. Don't let some stupid worry spoil what you have but talk and see where it leads.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 01:30:44

You will be so disappointed in me... I cancelled meeting him and just went on my works night out. I made an excuse. I was actually looking forward to going out with my colleagues, that I didn't want to spoil it but upsetting myself beforehand, iykwim. So, I bottled it!
I just got in now, I'm a bit merry, and I don't know what to do. I shall make a plan when I'm sober in the morning. Thank you everyone. Sorry I was weak. But I will do this tomorrow ....

Dirtybadger Sat 28-Jun-14 01:42:22

Pauline the op wasn't logged on as herself. Her friend was on it and she saw him online. She went back to check and he had been on it more. He was logged on as himself in the evenings.

justiceofthePeas Sat 28-Jun-14 01:49:38

Just send him a message through the dating site saying I see you are back on here so it is over.
Job done. Bang to rights.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 28-Jun-14 01:49:50

Do you know what, I just wouldn't bother ever talking to him or replying to his texts again. Seriously. You know the score, why bother. Why waste time

Re activate your proper profile and get back online. Ignore him.

cozietoesie Sat 28-Jun-14 08:57:44

Not disappointed at all just glad you enjoyed your works night out.

And you did well in not coming home and sending him a drink taken slightly merry mean text or voicemail.

Have a good weekend and I hope the hangover isn't too bad.

Only1scoop Sat 28-Jun-14 15:28:36

Glad you enjoyed your night out with your colleagues....have you talked to him yet? If you don't feel you want to see him I'd say a dump via call is perfectly acceptable in this instance!!

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 18:58:23

Hi, he text me 3 times today and I havent replied. His last text said he would call me tonight. He has probably now got the hint something is wrong. Im going out for dinner so i mught not be in to take his call!! However, if I am I have decided to confront on phone as we were meant to be going away next weekend.

cozietoesie Sat 28-Jun-14 20:08:55

Bet he goes online while you're out for dinner.

Have a good evening out anyway.

TheWorldAccordingToJC Sat 28-Jun-14 20:15:27

I'm not sure what you're gaining by ignoring him?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 22:13:47

I think it's a bit like the elephant in the room...I know it's there but I'm ignoring it. I suppose I'm protecting myself from hurt. I know I'm going to have to mention it. Just checked and he's not been online for 2 days now. But that could be because he has someone's number!!! Or it could be that he has decided not to, but why not delete his profile??!
Just got in from a family meal out and feeling good. Will mention if he calls as I spoke to my sister about it, and she agrees, I can't let it hang over me.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 22:34:34

Ok...I've sent a text...eek!

cozietoesie Sat 28-Jun-14 22:37:09

Ah - he's got the 'thrill of the chase' in his nostrils now that you've been incommunicado. Not a relationship you either need or want, I think?

Scarletohello Sat 28-Jun-14 22:37:50

Oh no what did u say..?

hesterton Sat 28-Jun-14 22:37:52

What did you say?

BitOutOfPractice Sat 28-Jun-14 22:47:40

Oh goodness. What did you say?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 22:52:52

Just said ... "Hi, hope you had a good day. Wondered if we are still on for next weekend, as I have noticed that you are active on the OD site. I would appreciate some honesty if you wish to seek friendship/dating elsewhere. LLFF"

BitOutOfPractice Sat 28-Jun-14 23:08:40

Oh! I bet he nearly wet his pants!!

TalisaMaegyr Sat 28-Jun-14 23:11:16

I'm assuming he hasn't replied?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 23:27:51

No reply as of yet, but he could be in bed. Might be morning before I hear anything.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 23:29:54

His online status has now moved to "online this week" as opposed to "online today".... Could be a number of reasons. I shall await with baited breath!!

you sent the text at 10.30pm -do you really think he is in bed at that time on a Saturday night?
He is either trying to think up a good excuse
or
Out with someone he met online

I doubt he is in bed (me of little faith)

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 28-Jun-14 23:37:58

He sent a text earlier saying he was watching the football. I know he has to be up early to catch a train to his family's house. He said he was in.
I think is more than likely astounded by my text and doesn't know how to reply (as in an excuse) or he is in bed.

Urgh, you have my sympathy - my ex did much of the same sort of things. Twat.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 29-Jun-14 03:53:07

Did he reply op?

Cerisier Sun 29-Jun-14 04:17:33

I liked your text- breezy and unemotional. It will be interesting to see his response.

Rachie1986 Sun 29-Jun-14 07:24:48

Has he replied?? Has he replied??

FrontForward Sun 29-Jun-14 07:39:53

I like the text as well! I can imagine his face. How quickly does he normally respond? To me the fact that he is not responding quickly is because he's guilty.

If it was innocent he would come straight back with the truth

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 07:55:02

Ok...no reply as yet, but it's still early...will update :0)

ethelb Sun 29-Jun-14 08:32:41

Sorry this has happened op. How are u feeling this am?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 08:40:16

I feel a bit sad. Last summer my DP and I separated. I had hoped that this summer would be fun and carefree with this guy. We had planned so many things we were going to do. It had given me confidence to move on from my past.
But I've developed a thicker skin, so will have to accept whatever happens and have fun anyway.

hesterton Sun 29-Jun-14 08:43:08

Think of him as rebound guy. There's someone much nicer waiting if that's what you would like!

eddielizzard Sun 29-Jun-14 08:48:07

yes, rebound guy. you deserve better than this.

McBear Sun 29-Jun-14 08:53:46

Summers still got a while left so you never know!

Still no reply?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 08:59:29

Thanks everyone.
Still no reply.

Goodadvice1980 Sun 29-Jun-14 09:03:19

I like how Jennifer Aniston described her relationship with Vince Vaughan after she split with Brad Pitt - it was a defibrilator relationship as it brought her back to life (so to speak!).

Onwards and upwards OP smile

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 29-Jun-14 09:06:49

Immediately plan something to do next weekend - it will make you feel loads better

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 29-Jun-14 09:11:33

OP, I started dating someone I met online (Tinder) at the start of the year. Things were going ok and I really, really liked him and he said the same, but we hadn't had the exclusivity chat. One day I went on Tinder to read back some of our messages we'd exchanged and noticed he'd been online recently. I knew he'd had an account on another site that I wasn't a member of, so I had a browse; within seconds I saw his profile and it said 'online recently'. I was not happy. He carried on as normal with me until I asked him how he saw me - 'just as a friend' was his response. I was gutted but he wanted to stay friends. I wasn't so sure but he kept instigating communication by texting and asking me to meet for a cup of tea a cup of tea, ffs hmm. I never met him for a cup of tea and it didn't take long before I worked out he just wanted to keep me hanging to one side as an option, and believe me, I am no-one's option! Two weeks ago I deleted all his photos and texts, deleted his number and deleted him off Whatsapp.

These men clearly have Sweet Trolley Syndrome. The moral of this is don't drag it out like I did. I'm still struggling to get over him now, whereas if I'd done it as soon as I saw him back online, I'd be fine by now. I know you've text him but he can (and is) avoid replying. Call him and confront him.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 09:11:45

I have the number of a guy I met on the site over 6 months ago. We never got round to meeting as I started seeing Mr Evasive!! He text me about a month ago asking how I was doing. I might text him back.....

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 09:14:56

Soft kitty...cross post.
Sorry to hear your story. Seems very similar.
If I get no reply by this evening, I think I will have my answer, but I will call him also. I feel at least I've made the first move in letting him know.

hesterton Sun 29-Jun-14 09:21:02

Have a little break between. You are high risk to hurtle into a disaster when you feel like this! There's nothing wrong with not seeing anyone for a while.

hesterton Sun 29-Jun-14 09:24:02

I like the sweet trolley analogy. I used to think of it as like finding a picnic spot. You find a great place and atart to get your stuff out - but you can always have that nigglinf doubt iin your mind thst just round the corner is an even better one. So you never settle and enjoy your picnic. Maybe men get this worse than women.

It is the sweet trolly thing, and has no bearing on you at all. Men who dont want a relationship, behave like this. He will do this to the next woman, and the next and they will be left with shredded self esteem while they try to be everything to him to stop him looking. which he wont.

men who want a relationship, dont do things like this. They are honest and dont mess people about. They are a lot harder to find than the sweet trolly type, and few and far between once you start getting over 35.

You did the right thing, be proud that you value yourself enough to act and to not worry about getting proof or hearing him out first.

smile

forumdonkey Sun 29-Jun-14 09:42:19

This happened to me 3 months ago so I know how you feel sad I handled it a little different to you, I created a profile, not fake, it was a photo of me and messaged him. I'd have loved to have seen his face when he saw it. He dropped off the face of the earth then, I suspect he couldn't face the fact he'd been caught. He did eventually get back in touch with a shitty excuse where it was a comment I'd made that had spurred him to do it hmm yeah rightangry

It's been tough and he hurt me like hell but I've met someone new. grin karma will take it's course of that I'm sure, if I'm lucky enough I may just hear about it wink

Good luck and my advice is move on. I'm glad you chose to go on your works do instead thanks

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 29-Jun-14 10:18:15

Hesterton I like the picnic spot analogy grin. They're both pretty accurate. I love the sweet trolley one (which I first heard on the dating thread on here) because it really sums up this kind of situation.

The man browses the sweet trolley and picks a lovely, attractive lemon meringue which satisfies him for a while until he fancies something a little less sweet. So he goes back to browse the sweet trolley and sees a gorgeous slice of gateau with cream. After having the gateau for a while he realises it's too heavy for him and he'd like to try something lighter, so he tries a fruit salad. After a while he feels the fruit salad doesn't have enough substance and doesn't satisfy him. He realises the original lemon meringue was perfect and tries to pick it again, only to realise that it's been snapped up permanently by someone who knew immediately that they wanted lemon meringue and nothing else would do grin.

Needsmorecake is right in that these men don't want a relationship, they just want the constant attention from numerous women. I'm convinced that the guy I was seeing has very little self respect and self confidence and how he feels about himself is based on the attention he receives from these sites. He also had one foot in the past with his ex, so until he deals with that he'll never change. Why do these men all have issues, while the women are pretty sorted? hmm

LLFF He's clearly been caught bang to rights and has gone into hiding. What a coward. I hope you manage to get in touch with him this evening but just remember to keep your dignity - you're worth much better than this.

cozietoesie Sun 29-Jun-14 10:40:35

Actually, LLFF, if you get no reply by this evening, I'd drop the whole thing. You're still trying to justify your actions to yourself I think - and you really have no need to.

(I except Force Majeure being a reason for the no contact of course but I really don't think that's the case.)

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 10:50:39

Ok...here goes....he called from his train journey. He's been on phone for near 45 minutes.
He read my text and he immediately admitted he had been online. He claims that he had messages in his email inbox that directed him to the OD site. He says he activated his account to read the messages. I then said but it wasn't a one off as I had noticed he had been online a few other times. He said that he apologises and that he didn't message anyone, he was only browsing!! And he said it made him realise that I was the one he wanted to be with. However, I then asked why he hadn't just deleted his account?? He said he is going to do that when he gets to his parents house!!
He was doing the whole 'I really like you a lot LLFF. I don't want this to end. I'm sorry, it will never happen again' type thing! He's bending over backwards now saying he wants to take me away on holiday next month and promises of all sorts of days/nights out. He kept saying how attractive and lovely I was....yada...yada...yada.....

So, how did I leave it? I thanked him for being upfront about being online, but I said I would need to give it some thought as he had broken my trust and that is what is important to me. I said I didn't want to see him this week as I had other things I needed to do, but I would be in touch next weekend regarding how I wish to proceed. He sounded a bit desperate at that point, and he said he would call me tonight. I said I would all him when I felt ready.

Soooo.....feeling a bit drained tbh. Not sure how I feel. I'm thinking I still lust after him as he is extremely hot, but I'm now deflated and don't think I could ever regain trust. What do you wise ladies think I should do?

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 10:56:37

I know the answer....I should end it. As someone said earlier, better do it now, than another 6 months down the line when I might end up more hurt.

eddielizzard Sun 29-Jun-14 10:58:58

well... he has lied - he tried to make out it was just the once. then that he was just browsing, then that he was about to delete the account at his parent's.

do you trust him? do you think you can move on from this?

cozietoesie Sun 29-Jun-14 11:00:20

.....he was only browsing....???

This is a person that you thought was 'loving, caring, affectionate.... honest and trustworthy'. He's clearly none of those things so I'd drop the whole thing right away.

Sorry you're feeling a bit drained. Think of it as a bullet dodged though - sometimes a near escape can leave you rattled.

flumperoo Sun 29-Jun-14 11:08:58

I think he's lying about this:

He claims that he had messages in his email inbox that directed him to the OD site. He says he activated his account to read the messages.

because, in my experience, you can't message people if their profile is inactive.

YoBitch Sun 29-Jun-14 11:13:30

let's face it - he was never going to say "oh yeah, I just fancied hooking up with a few other women" was he??

I think his 'just browsing' comment is bad enough. he was just browsing other potential dates. nice.

please don't become one of those people we see so often on here kicking themselves a few years down the line because they forgave an incident like this early on - only
for it to happen again and again.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 11:14:46

Hmmm, there's a thought!
He said the messages were old, so whether or not they were from before he deactivated his account. I don't know. I do know that he viewed my fake profile! So, that's enough proof to me that he was browsing....I like the lemon meringue analogy...he's decided he liked the meringue after all.....and it might just be a bit late because the meringue has teamed up with some nice vanilla ice cream for a bit.....

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 11:16:59

Yo, you are right....I spent 12 years with my ex doing exactly that. I'm not going to do it again. Think I might take a break for a bit and enjoy friends and family.

I would bet he doesn't deactivate his account now.
Just a thought if he doesn't deactivate his account could you ask him to prove that he hasn't contacted anyone but obviously only when he is with you not giving him a chance to delete them first.

Aussiebean Sun 29-Jun-14 11:22:26

It's the browsing that concerns me to. He is in a nice relationship but likes to browse and look at single ladies.

You read so often of married men who are just 'curious' so browsed and were never going to contact any of the women.

Wishyouwould Sun 29-Jun-14 11:29:54

So sorry that you've been let down this way OP. It's obvious how much you liked him but it's even more obvious that you are worth more - just my admitting he was browsing says he was treating you as an option rather than a choice - his loss. Hope you're ok flowers

Wishyouwould Sun 29-Jun-14 11:31:13

*by

FrontForward Sun 29-Jun-14 11:36:26

He's lying or at least being 'inventive with the truth'. That is the issue that would most make me call it a day

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 11:50:12

He's inundating me with texts now!
All a bit too much too late.

cozietoesie Sun 29-Jun-14 12:22:41

Ah - you've become ultra-attractive again now that you've turned away and he's in chase mode.

Too bad, eh?

grin

Only1scoop Sun 29-Jun-14 13:48:29

Just caught up Op....

Would he have had to pay a fee to re activate said account?....not that it makes it any better if not really.

My personal experience of going through similar is that it just pushed the evasiveness under stones....hiding profiles etc. Felt gutted as I had given him a chance.

The time frame thing to be would be the big thing. 6 months is quite a long time. My friend was dating someone only a month or so and he did the same. She saw he had been back on the site. He said he was just 'curious' and was apologetic.They are together and very happy.

I think fwiw you are handling this very well. It boils down to trust I guess. Don't waste your time on someone not worthy....

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 29-Jun-14 14:12:35

You're doing really well - lots of women would forgive and forget under this kind of calling/texting pressure. Your bullshit radar is clearly switched on. He knows he's fucked up and is trying to pressure you with into forgiving him by using excess attention to flatter you into submission. But as someone else pointed out, he was browsing for other women. I don't believe for one second he never messaged anyone else but you'll probably never know the truth. If the messages in his inbox were old, surely he'd have viewed them months ago, possibly before you met? None of what he says adds up, and as you say, it's the dishonesty that's the deal breaker here.

I'm really sorry LLFF but there are nicer men out there at least I hope so.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 14:18:22

Hi onescoop....no, it was a free site. So he didn't have to pay a fee. I think it looks like he's been having a scoot around and realised that he was bloody lucky to have met me!!
Well, he's still texting. He's definitely trying to dig himself out of a big hole. No matter how hot he is, I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He could delete the account but quite easily set up another one.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 14:22:07

Soft kitty...thanks for your support. You are right and I'm getting too long in the tooth to put up with any crap. I shall stick to what I said...contact him next week with my "decision".... Let him sweat for a week and know how it feels to be unsure if the person you were supposed to be with, still wants to be with you or not!

Walkacrossthesand Sun 29-Jun-14 14:25:30

That's exactly it isn't it LLFF - 'know how it feels to be unsure if the person you are with, wants to be with you or not'. Very succinctly put.

MyLatest Sun 29-Jun-14 14:35:16

Let him sweat. And if you really like him then don't rule out giving him another chance IF you think he really has realised that lemon meringue is all he wants (love the analogy grin)

Only1scoop Sun 29-Jun-14 14:44:26

Yes love the 'meringue' analogy grin

When I was OD ....I used to call the front screen <where all the possible faces I had chatted with popped up> the Little shop of horrors....

The got graded as 'Hermens'

'Trapdoor dwellers'

And my favourite list....'Potential gentlemen callers'

smile

Dirtybadger Sun 29-Jun-14 14:49:10

I can't say what you should do, only what I would like to think I'd do; which would be to stick to my guns. I'm sure he regrets you finding out (maybe is even very sorry) but his story stinks and I wouldn't be confident it isn't a sign of things to come (not sure it is either)- far too much of a gamble for someone you've only known 6 months.

Solo Sun 29-Jun-14 15:06:21

Goodness! this happened to me OP. He denied, said he was reading messages that had been sent to him etc...
Two pregnancies, one baby and 4 years later and I caught him red handed with the OW that had also been 'with him' for 4 years.

I hope things work out the way you want them to OP. Good luck.

Only1scoop Sun 29-Jun-14 15:07:20

Solo that's awful hmm

yellowdinosauragain Sun 29-Jun-14 15:25:17

I met dh online 11 and a half years ago and we've been happily married with 2 sons for nearly 10 years. I deleted the profile on the site we met pretty much straight away but I've intermittently gone back online for a browse just out of idle curiosity. I've never ever been unfaithful, or had any intention of this, or contacted anyone.

What I'm trying to say is that he could still be genuine. Having said that if the trust is gone for you then it's never going to work out but if it hasn't there would be no harm in meeting him and seeing what you think. It's a shame you didn't confront him in person as then you could have asked him to open his profile there and then and you would have been able to see if he's sent messages to anyone.

Trust your gut reaction and end it if you're sure but if you're going to look back and regret at least consider giving him another chance.

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 29-Jun-14 16:54:58

i had this yesterday - i had half a profile on match ages ago. didn't give it a second thought - until the friend of the guy i met online and have been seeing for 2 months happened upon it.

match leaves you logged in. i had no idea - my profile showed that i had been online in the last 24 hours - i had not.

mind you - if he's told you he's 'browsing' this is all a moot point.

good luck OP.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 29-Jun-14 17:34:25

exwife I was about to say the same.

I have a profile on POF which has been hidden for over a year. I still get an email and a notification on my phone every week with my matches. Sometimes I log in to get rid of the notification tag on my phone because it annoys me.

Having said that, he's said he's been browsing - which I certainly do not apart from looking aghast at the men POF considers to be my match

purpleroses Sun 29-Jun-14 17:59:11

I met my DH through online dating. Tbh I don't think either of us got round to deleting our profiles for many months even though the relationship was clearly serious quite early on. We just stopped going online which makes them come much lower down the list of searches other people do. I do remember getting a really nice email from someone who had managed to find my account and going online to reply to it. I think I did delete it at that point (not because I was worried about DP seeing it, just cause I felt I'd wasted the time of the bloke who emailed me)

I probably did browse occasionally though. There were over or two guys the I'd emailed or even meet up with, and one or two i knew in real lifw (small town i live in) so I was kind of seeing what they were up to. Just idle curiosity and absolutely nothing in it. If your BF does now take his profile off I might be inclined to give him a chance. I do think it's important though with online dating to meet the person's friends or family fairly soon. Helps you see who they are in a normal social context, as well as checking they're happy for you to be seen as their GF. Not so easy to introduce multiple GFs to your friends or family really.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Sun 29-Jun-14 18:13:01

OP, I'm really impressed with how you've handled this.

If you can wait it out for a week as you said you will, I think that's a good idea. He needs to realise how close he came to losing you if you do decide to give him another chance. I do think everyone deserves a second chance. Fool me once shame on you and all that.

Any more news op? Waiting with baited breath.

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 21:13:48

Lol...no more significant news. He has text me 7 times. I replied once with i would call him when Im ready.
I want to thank each and every person who replied. You have been an amazing support.
I will keep you up to date.

I kinda feel a little sorry for him. He made a mistake. Has he made mistakes like this before? Or is this his first?

Only1scoop Sun 29-Jun-14 21:53:20

Stay strong mull over the trust issue....

Window shop in meantime grin

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque Sun 29-Jun-14 22:31:09

I think leaving him to stew for a week is an excellent idea. If you want to give home another chance, it will be good for him to know how it feels.

If you decided not to, it will be good for him to have had some of his time wasted, since he wasted 6 months of yours!

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 23:00:31

Well...hes at his parents and no sign of his profile having been deleted. I thought it may be one of the first things he did on aririval!!

LittleLadyFooFoo Sun 29-Jun-14 23:05:26

Womble....Ive actually dismissed some behaviours due to him grieving. I do feel for him as he gets upset some times. He does show me a lot of affection....he is very tactile. I dont know how i feel. i do need the week to think abput it. Im meeting him Friday.

Has he done anything before re: fidelity?

Scarletohello Sun 29-Jun-14 23:10:58

What were the behaviours you dismissed?

LittleLadyFooFoo Mon 30-Jun-14 00:04:23

He has never done anything re fidelity. He did after 2 months tell me he 'couldn't do this' as he felt guilt and asked if we could just be friends. So I stopped contacting him. Then about 2 weeks later I was on holiday and he called asking to meet me when I got back. He wanted to start seeing me again. He said he was feeling in a 'better place'.
He has cancelled on me a couple of times as he's been too upset. He hasn't done that for a couple of months.
He has called me at work to ask my advice about his feelings/grief/life. I'm happy to do that at convenient times but as a teacher, I can't take calls in the classroom. And when he doesn't get an answer, he has called back again and again.
I felt like I was more a counsellor than a girlfriend.

brdgrl Mon 30-Jun-14 00:55:12

Would you be ok with dating someone who rang you at work to discuss his sadness about another relationship - and rang back repeatedly when you didn't pick up? Who played with your feelings and expected you to be consistently understanding and forgiving?

Of course there are going to be people who jump on me saying that and point out that a bereavement is, obviously, different from a divorce or breakup. Of course it is. But on your end, as his sounding board, it is similar in terms of what it demands from you emotionally. And if there is not a reciprocal concern for your feelings, and a real effort to make you feel (at just six months in!) secure - it's not a partnership.

And you should not be being used as his counselor. He needs to find someone else (or really, someone elses plural, including perhaps someone professional) to do that with so that he can create a different kind of relationship with you.

I hope you won't accept his excuses, because I think he will eventually do more than 'browse' - I'm sorry, and I don't usually say LTB - but I think you are very sensible and you are reading signs that this guy is not ready to treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Dirtybadger Mon 30-Jun-14 02:26:13

It does sound like he's using you as a counsellor (not exclusively, of course). And possibly not "ready". It's not really his fault, as such, he probably can't see it, but it ain't yours either.

cozietoesie Mon 30-Jun-14 08:01:51

It sounds, actually, as if he's using you almost as a 'Mummy' substitute. How does he get on with his parents?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 30-Jun-14 09:09:35

Ugh. After your last post I'd say bin immediately. So what if he's grieving? Repeated calls when he knows you're busy is intrusive, unboundaried, self obsessed and just awful behaviour.

LittleLadyFooFoo Mon 30-Jun-14 09:27:55

You know, when its all written down, is does look crap doesn't it?
He does support me. I lost my dad recently and he's been very supportive. However, I don't let it impact on our relationship. That's the difference.

YouAreMyRain Mon 30-Jun-14 09:39:31

To be honest OP, it doesn't sound like he is ready for this relationship. I appreciate he is grieving, that's natural, but it's impacting on your relationship in a negative way.

I think it's a good thing that this has happened now. It has given you some time and space to reflect and re-evaluate.

thanks

yellowdinosauragain Mon 30-Jun-14 10:10:21

Yes I'd agree that he doesn't sound ready. I don't think him browsing on the dating site is necessarily a deal breaker for the reasons in my earlier post but I do think you deserve someone who is in the place where they can concentrate on building a relationship with you without all this baggage, which sadly is totally understandable for this man. It doesn't sound like he's a bad person at all but he clearly isn't ready to give you what you need and deserve.

I'm with everyone on this. Bin it.

TalisaMaegyr Thu 03-Jul-14 14:56:48

What happened in the end OP?

Yeah, what happened?!

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 04-Jul-14 02:06:45

Tomorrow night is the night! I speak to him face to face. Will let you know how it goes.

pinkfrocks Fri 04-Jul-14 08:39:43

I just wanted to pick something up that was mentioned from your first post.
You said your friend 'saw' him on the OD site.
Did he match her criteria? Is that how she found him? Does your friend and this guy live near each other so he'd pop into her search- suitable age range and all the rest?

OR- did you ask her on to see if Mr Widower was on the site and search for him?
Because if it's the latter then maybe you should think about what that says- which is your gut feeling was to spy on him.

Also- when you set up an alias profile as a honey trap did you include a photo ( not of yourself clearly!) If not then the odds are he didn't message you for that reason.

I'm sorry but I think the inevitable truth is this:
-He likes you but is not 100% committed yet- and it's too soon for him after being widowed.
-He wanted to see who else was around - he browsed.
-He was caught so is panicking that he is about to be dumped and you suddenly seem attractive again- more so than the unknowns on the dating site.
-He doesn't want to lose you- but neither is he as ready to commit as you thought. You are a 'wait and see' how it turns out , rather than 'the one'.

I think that's all fair enough on his part - it's only a 6 month relationship. But the question is can you step back and be more casual about it? Is that something you could accept?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 04-Jul-14 08:49:50

I don't think it's "fair enough" no matter how long the relationship. If they had decided to be exclusive then it is not "fair enough"

pinkfrocks Fri 04-Jul-14 08:54:55

People are allowed to change their minds. I'd judge someone on their idea of exclusivity by their behaviour- not what they say near the start of a short relationship.
I meant it was fair enough not to want exclusivity so soon - given his wobbles at the start anyway. But if he had changed his mind then he ought to have said so.

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 04-Jul-14 08:57:50

Hi...no, I didn't ask her to look for him online. He matched her criteria, as he did mine as we live close to each other. I actually thought he had deleted his profile so had no reason to look.
I did include a photo in my profile, of someone who looks similar to me (I googled for someone similar who wasn't a celeb!).
I think what you say about him liking me but not quite ready due to still grieving is absolutely correct. I may not be his 'one' as he might not be mine (he's the first since my separation).
I am being quite casual as we don't see each other often enough due to him working away Mon-Fri. However, we do contact each other every day either by text or call.
I really do like him, fancy him like mad but I need to speak to him. I think that trust has been broken and I'm unsure if I can get that back.
I will update how I get on.
Thanks again for advice.

pinkfrocks Fri 04-Jul-14 10:37:55

Maybe it's not trust that is the issue here but where the relationship stands and is going?
The way I see it is- he really likes you but is not sure if you are The One. And being a bit weak or just plain curious, he thought he'd have a look at what else was out there to try to either reassure himself that you ARE The One or maybe there are other worth meeting.

Of course the RIGHT thing to have done would be to talk to you and tell you he had doubts either about his readiness for a committed relationship or a committed relationship with you.

But like many people, he didn't do the right thing because in his head he's a bit muddled up over what he wants, so he's playing out the various scenarios in his mind- which includes browsing OD.

I think there is a difference between a man who is untrustworthy and a player, and a man who is decent but who has doubts about his readiness for a relationship - or whether his latest GF is the right person- and does a bit of searching online perhaps out of curiosity. You don't really know what his intentions were when he was browsing.

What is clear though is that he is not 100% sure about what you two have so he needs to talk about that- and where you go next as a couple.

Trusting him long-term is - to me- something of a different issue.

eddielizzard Fri 04-Jul-14 11:00:25

'I did include a photo in my profile, of someone who looks similar to me (I googled for someone similar who wasn't a celeb!).'

shockshockshockshock

really? i hope there isn't some poor woman out there who's in the shit for having a profile!!!!!

pinkfrocks Fri 04-Jul-14 11:05:16

Best delete if not already done smile

LittleLadyFooFoo Fri 04-Jul-14 14:15:52

Don't worry...I deleted the profile 2 days after setting it up :0) And it was someone who was an American news reporter...
I felt bad about setting up a profile. The reason my ex and I separated was because he cheated on me so I don't want to go down that route again. I'm stronger now(lots of counselling) and I will not become the snooping gf whom I was before!
Thanks again everyone. You have really helped me remain sane through this.

eddielizzard Fri 04-Jul-14 16:02:34

ah ok. it's gone.

Good luck for tomorrow OP! Has he been texting much?

pinkfrocks Sun 06-Jul-14 11:00:03

How did it go OP?

Come on OP, spill the farty beans!

loopylou6 Mon 07-Jul-14 09:31:30

I SO need to know the outcome of this.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 07-Jul-14 09:31:55

No update?! Gah!

I came on for an update too.
I hope it all went well OP.
Let us know what your decision was.
No judging here.
Have a good week.

LizzieBelle Mon 07-Jul-14 18:45:54

Whatever happened...we need to know!
Is everything OK LittleLadyFooFoo?

rockpink Mon 07-Jul-14 18:54:03

I'm interested to know how you got on as well!

stargirl04 Mon 07-Jul-14 20:16:59

I agree that in a perfect world we shouldn't have to play games. But how do you think the police catch criminals? By "refusing to play games" and asking a criminal outright if he committed a crime, in the expectation that the criminal will say, "Okay guv. I appreciate you don't want to play games, so yeah, I did it." ?

The police have to go undercover to catch criminals. I think that if people are lying/cheating, then they deserve to be "investigated" as such .....

LizzieBelle Mon 07-Jul-14 20:56:03

ah well put Stargirl.

YouAreMyRain Mon 07-Jul-14 21:21:52

Aw c'mon FooFoo! We want an update I always update my threads unless I am embarrassed about making bad choices

Yooo Hooo!!! FooFoo!!! Where are you? We need an update.

ConfusedAndUnwanted Wed 09-Jul-14 10:52:10

Maybe she has got back with him and feels awkward!

In regards to the excuse though, about receiving an email and clicking on the link.

I met my DP on POF and after a few dates I removed my profile. Every so often I would receive emails from other OD sites that I had signed up to and simply forgot about, these would either be ignored or deleted! I would never take a look at a match if I was happy in a relationship.

You are being very strong and you deserve better than this. Even if his online activity was innocent, the lies are there.

After several months of dating my DP I activated my account to look at the first few messages we had sent each other, the difference is I told my DP what I was doing.

Hope it all works out, and don't jump straight back into dating, be kind to yourself and take some time out

TalisaMaegyr Fri 11-Jul-14 12:31:54

I'm really disappointed that there is no update for this. OP, we just want to know what happened.

rockpink Sat 12-Jul-14 08:14:24

Is it possible to send our FooFoo a private message??

TalisaMaegyr Sat 12-Jul-14 10:23:41

It's a bit stalky though, isn't it? I suppose if she'd wanted to update, she would have... Frustrating.

notapizzaeater Sat 12-Jul-14 10:35:16

A aargh - perhaps she's on holiday with him

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 12-Jul-14 11:00:20

Hiya. Sorry for delay. I went on holiday for a week to somewhere remote and had no internet access. Even the local pub had no wifi! Just got back in the early hours of this morning. It was my first holiday away as a single mum and it was quite a worry for me. But we had a lovely time and the weather was great. I also had a bereavement whilst away so it's been a difficult week. So apologies. I should have mentioned it before I left last week.
Regards my dilemma. I met up with him the night before I left. We both laid everything out on the table. I reiterated everything I said before. It was a really honest and emotional discussion. He has deleted the profile. He says he logged on as he had email messages from the site. He says he never contacted anyone and he showed me before deleting his profile. I spoke about trust, etc which he took on board. He says he wants things to work and because I really do like him a lot I've decided to give it a go. I will see him tonight for the first time since our chat. He's been texting and calling all week whilst I've been away. So all ok and I will let you know how I get on.
You have all been amazing. Thank you.

rockpink Sat 12-Jul-14 13:25:38

It's nice to hear from you, good luck tonight, I really hope you get the answers you need.

YouAreMyRain Sat 12-Jul-14 15:42:48

So he logged on (for a few hrs on several occasions) because he had email messages from the site? <scratches chin> when I met my DP from OD I didn't open any more messages and I sent all messages from the site straight to automatic deletion in my email settings.

Thanks for the update FooFoo. Sorry for your loss. I would advise to proceed with caution (esp as you will be vulnerable after the bereavement)

LittleLadyFooFoo Sat 12-Jul-14 15:52:06

I looked at who he had viewed on the site and it tied up with the messages he received via the site into his email account. Maybe he forgot to log out. I can't be sure. I will remain sceptical but have decided to give him a chance. He has also agreed to some bereavement counselling which is a step forward.
I will keep you updated.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 12-Jul-14 16:50:08

Hope it works out for you FooFoo. Just keep your wits about you.

Hope your evening goes well FooFoo.

mrsbrownsgirls Sat 12-Jul-14 22:01:29

Great news. I hope it works out. I despair of the Mumsnet tendency towards LTB . Your bf sounds lovely

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 13-Jul-14 19:13:29

Well to be fair MrsBrownsGirls the OP spotted her bf online on several different occasions and he even viewed her fake profile so he was clearly browsing which, let's face it, isn't good. I'm glad the OP has sorted it out with him but I'm also glad she will 'remain sceptical'.

LizzieBelle Sun 13-Jul-14 19:54:03

That's good news LLFF. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt if you like him. There aren't many decent guys out there x

brdgrl Sun 13-Jul-14 22:03:32

Good for you, I hope the talk cleared the air and also made it clear what you expect from him/the relationship. And I am pleased to hear that he's getting some counseling. Good luck, foofoo.

LittleLadyFooFoo Mon 14-Jul-14 01:40:42

Thanks. All good so far :0)

tashaben Thu 17-Jul-14 04:51:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

akaWisey Thu 17-Jul-14 08:41:27

Reported again

notapizzaeater Thu 17-Jul-14 08:42:55

You'd think she'd got better things to do now her husbands come home gringringrin

akaWisey Thu 17-Jul-14 08:46:32

Apparently not though. I've reported her twice already this morning grin

brdgrl Thu 17-Jul-14 11:48:22

I wonder what Dr Swami did to her poor husband.

LittleLadyFooFoo Thu 17-Jul-14 12:08:28

No need for Dr Swami here...a combination of my good looks, charm, wit and my ample breasts brought my man home ;0)

knittedknickers Thu 17-Jul-14 12:22:20

Ha ha, good for you LittleLadyFooFoo - honest to goodness, there are some strange people on this site! Glad to hear you're happy, I followed this one keeping fingers crossed for you x

rockpink Thu 17-Jul-14 21:08:08

What on earth happened at the end of the thread!?

LittleLadyFooFoo Thu 17-Jul-14 22:54:24

Some random posted about how a fake doctor can help bring husbands back....

rockpink Thu 17-Jul-14 22:57:07

Oh dear! Hope all is well for you?

LittleLadyFooFoo Thu 17-Jul-14 23:12:49

Yes thanks....things are fine. Focussing on myself and the kids and not trying to read too much into bereavement. Being a good friend and he is being one to me. Slow but steady progress. All good. Thanks for asking.

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