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if your sisters dp was sending you inappropriate texts..

(101 Posts)
MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:30

...would you tell her?
I left my phone at my sisters yesterday so used dps phone to text her to ask her to keep hold of it for me and noticed loads of texts between her and dp.
Dp has been sending my sister inappropriate texts, nothing to suggest anything is going on but inappropriate all the same
'why don't you text me anymore? sad'
'ill call next time, I'll come round the back wink'
'why don't you come out and meet us, you can lick (sorry pick wink) me up off the floor'
(talking about a hen night she is going on that a few people have pulled out of) ' I'll come with you, could do with a night away in a posh hotel. Don't worry I won't pull out'
Just typing those make me feel sick, things are strained at the moment, I feel like he has no interest in me or the children and will do anything other than spend time with us, put no effort into my birthday and whatever choice/decision I make is wrong or not what he wants.
I have tried to find out what is wrong but he just says everything is fine and makes out I am imagining the problems.
My sister knows things aren't great and is trying to be supportive but hasn't mentioned these texts, her replies have not been encouraging him, either changing the subject, ignoring or her reply to the hen do text was 'as if, no men allowed) so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:29:47

A lot of times there is a shoot the messenger reaction from the person who has been told about things like this, and your sister might worry that if she did tell you it could cause problems between you and her. She might worry that your husband would wriggle out of it and she'd end up looking like she's somehow at fault. She might feel that she'd be putting extra strain on an already fractious relationship. She might be horrified and is trying not to make the situation real by voicing it. She could be Waiting for what seems like the right time to tell you.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:30:54

Sorry, partner.

I think you should forward the msgs to yourself so you have definite proof of their existence. Then you should figure out what you want to do.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:31:50

Think about what you are actually getting out of this relationship.

I'm sorry things have been rough :-(

ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 16-Jun-14 10:32:22

Those are definetley inappropriate and I would have it out with dp (after doing more snooping and screenshotting the lot).

The outcome does not look great

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:33:36

Yes I agree he needs to be confronted about this. But I would think good and hard first about what you actually want so that you can be firm and decisive about where to go from here.

Ridiculously juvenile and so disrespectful of you.

Her responses are not encouraging which is good. She may be wondering how to broach it with you.

Have you confronted DP about this? What do YOU want to do about the situation?

(Sorry, not terribly helpful - hoping more folks will be along with advice very soon)

HappyLandSpaceMan Mon 16-Jun-14 10:42:49

I would have shown you, rather than told you- however I do feel that it is a horrific situation to be in and can understand why she may have felt she couldn't say. I'm so sorry for you

yoyo27 Mon 16-Jun-14 10:46:11

Your sister said "you can lick (sorry pick ;-)) me up off the floor"?????

Horrendously inappropriate by both of them and I would ask what was going on between them

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 10:49:23

He said that to her...

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 10:52:41

so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

Your sister is being flirted with/hounded by your DP - you say yourself her texts are not responsive - yet you are concentrating on her failure to tell you.

Why aren't you thinking about your sexually incontinent DP - who thinks its funny/sexy to come onto 'family members?

This is what I would be worried about.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 16-Jun-14 10:53:55

BTW, you are not imagining things.

This behavior - which I reckon is the tip of the iceberg - is inappropriate, embarrassing and twattish.

MollySolverson Mon 16-Jun-14 10:55:52

Sorry, why the hell wasn't your sister replying things like "never ever send me a message like this again, you are my sister's dp"??! It sounds like there was something going on but she's not finished it? Sorry you're going through this

yoyo27 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:01:03

I definitely read that as the sister saying it about a hen night she was going on

HenI5 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:03:17

I'd get a record of them and then meet up with DSis telling her you've been using his phone and saw those messages. Say no more than that and see what she tells you.
I definitely wouldn't be happy, not at all.

If you normally find your sister to be an ok person, then I would say she is probably trying not to make things any worse by making a big deal about his texts to her. As you say her replies don't seem to be encouraging anything, she's maybe been trying to keep it neutral and treating it as far less important than what else is going on in your relationship.

Your partner is the real problem. Do you like being with someone who behaves this way? You aren't imagining the problems and everything isn't 'fine'. Personally, I'd be packing his bags and telling him to sling his hook, but it's up to you if you think this is salvageable.

SleepyBum Mon 16-Jun-14 11:07:53

I was put in a similar position when I was 19. A good friend's DP tried it on with me drunkenly one night when I stayed over, to the point where he was following me and trying to get into my room. I didn't know how to handle it at the time and I tried to laugh it off and cajole him out as I didn't want to cause a scene...

I never told my friend and agonised about it for ages - I always said in that position I would have told them straight away but the reality was very different. I was scared to be the one to bring her world crashing down, was scared in case she thought I had encouraged it (I didn't). I knew she was really in love with him and I (selfishly ) didn't want it to ruin our friendship. Ironically after that we started to drift apart. I don't know if she knew deep down, if she had heard anything or if he had said anything, but it was never the same after that.

What I am trying to say (through the waffle! ) is that your sister may be trying to protect you, scared to say anything or rock the boat and from the sounds of it is unsure of the best way to deal with how your partner is behaving towards her. Hence the lighthearted replies or ignoring.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:11:03

It's from him to her - context and wording confirms that. Others have pulled out of hen do, he says don't worry I won't pull out.

Yes it's possible they had something going on before which could be one reason why she hasn't told you, but there's no way we could know if that's the case. The text saying why don't you text me anymore is one possible clue toward that. But it could just as well have been an innocent texting exchange at some point.

If it were me I'd be packing his bags.

He doesn't want to be there, that much is clear from his behaviour toward you.

He doesn't respect you, or value your relationship.

You surely cannot respect him seeing as he has behaved this way.

But you need to be firmly convinced in your own mind about what's right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:02

eWhy she hasn't told you is not so important. Your first priority is to haul your DP over the coals for being a flirting arsehole.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:18

Argh sorry completely ppquoted the rap wrong bit there.

OP is not posting an exchange but his texts to her.

But also, if the sister had sent a text like that I think the OP would not have said that her sister's texts are not encouraging it in any way...

Anyway this is all besides the point.

I'm sorry you've found this out. I hope that you can get yourself together to be strong and do what's right for you and your children.

Think about the wider relationship. Is it worth fighting for or is this the writing on the wall?

neiljames77 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:16:55

Why hasn't your sister not just told him to piss off and tell you about it but has also kept the texts and not deleted them?
Best case scenario, your husband is behaving like a dick and your sister doesn't want to upset you.
Worst case scenario, you're being betrayed by the two people you should be relying on most.

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:17:00

Uhm damn autocorrect, you know what meant!

HolgerDanske Mon 16-Jun-14 11:18:48

Also I'm not sorry you've found this out, that's actually a good thing. I am very Sorry you were put into a situation where you had to find something this out, though.

Make sure you save the texts. And whatever you do, don't let him get away with claims that this is just friendly banter. It's really not.

HecatePropylaea Mon 16-Jun-14 11:21:17

I would first talk to your sister. From what you say, she is not a willing participant here. If she is changing the subject, not responding in the same way etc then is it really likely that she wants or is welcoming this? More likely that he is sexually harassing her and she does not know how to handle it, possibly because she fears you being upset. This has actually been a thread on here more than once, from the person who is receiving unwanted texts. They agonise over how to reply because they don't want to cause hurt to the innocent party.

Perhaps if you copy the messages and go to see her on your own, you might be able to talk it through with her, and get her support and also she may feel that she can tell the creepy bastard to fuck off.

How you deal with him is more difficult. He is sounding very very sleezy indeed. It really is up to you. You could print out the texts and lay them in front of him. You could tell him to get out, you could ask him why he thinks your sister wants his inappropriate texts, it really does depend what you feel able to do and what outcome you are hoping for.

One thing is for sure though, doing nothing will eat away at you and keep you so miserable you won't be able to function.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 11:29:50

I'm guessing she doesn't want to be the reason for you to split up and she is probably afraid you'll turn on her.

I'd be telling her you know about them and ask her if he has shown other inappropriate behaviour towards her.

Then talk to a solicitor.

WooItsAGhostCat Mon 16-Jun-14 11:39:57

Yuk! What a sleazy, disgusting fuckwit!
Tell the bastard to fuck the fuck off for a week at least while you figure out if you really want to spend your life with a slimey cunt like him.

Sorry for the 'colourful' language. This post has made me angry

Dirtybadger Mon 16-Jun-14 12:29:39

Honestly, when I read those texts I just assumed something had been going on. Fantasy or physically. It seems pretty plausible.

Giving your sister the benefit of the doubt, though, is your dp the sort of disgusting dimwit who would say something so inappropriate without having "felt it out" first? If so then like others have said I can understand your sister not telling you. She may be panicked. Worried about creating a problem, etc.

If nothing has happened then the sister is irrelevant. It's a horrible situation for her to be in. It's even worse for you. And it's your dp's fault.

Maybe I'm unreasonable but I find what he has said so disgusting that things would be ending. He has no respect for you. But he also sounds like a right sleaze. I would assume there have been many more messages but it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter whether things happened or didn't happen. I would be surprised if he would say no, from those, and even if he would, they say enough about how he feels about you. Barf!

Quitelikely Mon 16-Jun-14 12:47:05

What a sleaze bag (sic?). This would make me feel sick. I do agree that your sister is trying to keep the calm.

You need to have it out with him. No doubt he will play it down, say it was a joke etc. you say he hasn't been himself lately. I wonder if he has checked out of the relationship.

He needs to be honest and open with you

magoria Mon 16-Jun-14 13:15:11

Wow 'don't worry I won't pull out'! That isn't just sleazy. That is vile.

He is either a vile shit being really sexually aggressive to your poor sister knowing she won't tell you and taking complete advantage or they are having sexual conversations she is happy with. Or they are having sex.

Neither are good from a DP point of view you don't need a relationship like this.

How the hell you broach this with your sister I have no idea.

I would suggest a solicitor and a complete STI check. Sorry!

MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 13:18:40

sad the only reason I haven't packed his bags is because he is working away for most of the week at the moment so he is not here I am a sahm so want to get a bit of security before doing anything drastic, we aren't married so I won't be entitled to much from him.
Those texts were all from him, over a couple of weeks. She replied to the hotel one with 'you can't say that to me, he replied 'you know I am only joking'
I really don't think anything has happened, I know what he has done is more important than why she hasn't toldme.
I just can't believe what he has written he has never been sleezy his behavior is totally out of character if the messages weren't on his phone I wouldn't ever think they were from him. He has been acting very out of character I just feel like I am living with a stranger

HecatePropylaea Mon 16-Jun-14 13:31:10

Well, you can't say that. The only thing you can say with certainty is that this is the first time you have ever discovered that he has been texting this way.

Either he picked your sister for his first and only foray into sleezy inappropriate texting or he is well used to it and your sister is the latest person.

Is it more likely that someone who has never ever sent texts like that to anyone would suddenly decide to change everything about himself and send them to his wife's sister?

Or is it more likely that this is behaviour that is so acceptable to him that he feels untouchable?

I don't know which it is, but the reality is that either is possible.

All I am saying is go in with your eyes open. Do not feel that because this is the first time you have caught him, it means it is the first time he has done it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 16-Jun-14 13:34:28

It sounds like he is sexually harassing your sister and she has been too worried/ashamed/scared to tell you. I'd start with a conversation with her and take it from there, but I suspect he is a sleazeball and there are other things going on. If he's away can you check browser history etc?

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 14:01:14

Get legal advice while he is away.

CSIJanner Mon 16-Jun-14 14:13:47

Okay - ignore the texts to your sister for a moment (but forward them onto yourself). Is the mobile still there? Has he text anyone else in the same way? Either he's on an ick power tripover your sister to make her uncomfortable (under the guise of cracks and giggles) which in itself is revolting, or he's also texting other people as well.

He's texts however still blatantly show him to be an all out sleeze. And follow Lweji's advice to get legal advice.

MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 14:18:16

Typed a long reply and it's dissapeared.
We have been together for 15 years so I like to think I know him well enough to know he is not usually a sleezy person. This is totally out of character it is almost like he has had a personality transplant.
Going to try and meet my sister on our own to talk, wont be easy to bring up but won't have her feeling uncomfortable. She hasn't been acting any differently around him though.

MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 14:22:42

No point with legal advice we aren't married so I guess apart from money for the children what is mine is mine and what is his is his.
I checked his other texts and fb messages after seeing these (not like me at all but wanted to get tge full picture) and there was nothing else so either he has deleted them or its just between him and my sister which is worse than it being someone else or more than one.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 14:32:44

I don't think it's that simple.
Do you rent or does one of you own?
And you are a SAHM for his children. Check it out just in case.

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 14:33:34

What's the harm in getting legal advice?

Frontier Mon 16-Jun-14 14:37:00

Don't make this about your sister, you'll need her. It sounds like he put her in a very difficult position and she has (kind of) tried to tell him to stop. I'm not sure what I would do in her shoes TBH.

It would be very hard to be "responsible" for the break up of my nephews' parents and my sister's heartache and whilst from here we know she isn't responsible, he is, it will be hard to for her to see it that way. She probably does feel guilty in some way.

SmallPress Mon 16-Jun-14 14:44:31

I have sympathy for your sis, who has been put in an impossible position.

He sounds completely disrespectful of your relationship, and of you. Take copies of everything.

Do get legal advice. Once you have children with someone, it's not just about 'money for the children'. It is about providing for them properly and getting things onto a proper legal footing for security, and a lawyer can make sure you do this in the best way rather than just assuming what is what.

MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 14:50:27

The house is owned, in his name.
I can't afford legal advice sad and it would make it all seem real. Just wish I knew what had causes the total change in him, sometimes I don't even recognize him as the man I have loved for 15 years and had a family with.

GarlicJuneBlooms Mon 16-Jun-14 15:01:52

Your partner is a sex pest. What a horrible thing to find out sad

Please do talk to your sister - not to blame her (!!) but to find out more. I suppose there is a slim chance she really is going along with it, and is more circumspect than your partner, but this wouldn't be my first or even second thought. I think you need to talk this over face-to-face with her.

It can't be a sudden change in him, I'm afraid, unless he's having some sort of massive health blip. Much more likely he's kept it off your doorstep until now.

I'm so sorry.

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 15:54:19

The house is owned, in his name.

You need legal advice I'm afraid.

yoyo27 Mon 16-Jun-14 15:59:43

Could you possibly speak to your mum? Your sister may have confided in her x

Twinklestein Mon 16-Jun-14 17:53:02

Bollocks the sister is in an difficult position: if my BIL sent me just one of those texts he'd never be able to text again by the time I'd finished with him. The text would have been forwarded to my sis with your 'husband is a perv' added for good measure.

Branleuse Mon 16-Jun-14 18:01:07

your sister is in a difficult situation.
if i were you id tell her that you know that hes been a twat to her and you dont know wtf is going on in his head.

your husband is so inappropriate its unreal

Frontier Mon 16-Jun-14 18:21:16

Im glad you're not my sister Twinkle. What a horribly insenstive way to tell someone their 15
yr relatinship is/may be over.

Does anyone else think there's something odd in the fact that these messages seem to have been sent over a long period of time, op obviously has full access to his phone and yet none had been deleted?

Twinklestein Mon 16-Jun-14 18:28:39

There is no good way to find out your husband is sending your sister dirty texts. And there's no good way to find out she hasn't told you either. What could be worse than the way the OP found out?

It's very odd that the sister did not put a stop to this immediately and tell her sister what was going on.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 18:30:37

There are resources that will give you an idea of your legal position.
I suspect you may be able to live in the house with the child as you are a sahm. Or at least get some support towards yourself because of that.
Women's aid may be able to give you some help finding out what you can do.

How are the family finances arranged?

kaykayblue Mon 16-Jun-14 18:41:31

I am normally very blunt in situations like this, and if it was a friends partner doing it then I would tell them immediately. I also get absolutely livid when people I care about get screwed over.

However, even I don't know what I would do in your sister's position. I would be scared that my sister would blame me, or that her partner would tell her that wee had been having an affair and she would believe him. Basically I would be terrified of having my whole family turn against me. I would also be extremely embarrassed.

I think the right thing to do would be to invite your sister over and say

"I was wondering how to bring this up, but on X occasion I noticed that my partner had been sending you inappropriate, even explicit texts. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you were put in that position. I honestly had no idea. This is his fault, and not yours. I do not blame you for this. I would really appreciate it if you could give me the whole story"

Once she knows that it is safe to talk to you about it, and you are not going to get angry at her, she might have even more bad news for you, like him being inappropriate with her in person, or her even being afraid to be alone with him.

You need to leave this man. He has hurt your own blood.

Hissy Mon 16-Jun-14 19:01:11

I'm with twinkle actually. Where the fuck are the messages from the sister saying 'Wtaf, don't text me this shit again or i'll forward them to my sister'

Yes he's a creep, and yes this stuff needs to be dealt with, and fast, but if that were me i'd be going to see my sister and showing her the phone the minute that creep ignored my warning.

A friend's H tried the chat ups, I told his wife the next time I saw her, and said that the next call i'd make would be to MY dp at the time, and then her H would see what ww3 looked like.

WildBillfemale Mon 16-Jun-14 19:52:18

Your sister should have replied with a stern ''f**k off'' at the first inappropriate text, they both need a (metaphorical) slap.

TheWickerWoman Mon 16-Jun-14 19:57:55

Sorry, I think there's more to it. It sounds like something has gone on but she's stopped it. Him
Mentioning coming round the back sounds too familiar, it doesn't sound like it's the first time.
I also think she'd have told you if it was innocent from her end.

curiousuze Mon 16-Jun-14 20:04:00

If my sister's DH sent me something like this I'd tell her IMMEDIATELY. After I'd finished vomiting. What creepy, disgusting texts.

kalidanger Mon 16-Jun-14 20:13:56

It's not just the texts to sister. OP is describing all the classic signs if a cheater - distance, finding fault etc.

I'd lay odds he's having an affair and feeling all expansively sexy and his enormous ego is sending those texts
Because he's a golden irrestistable love god :bleurgh:

Cherchez la femme, as a certain poster says. I bet it's bit your dsis

kalidanger Mon 16-Jun-14 20:14:29

Not* your sis

Whocansay Mon 16-Jun-14 20:15:11

I don't read it like that. A good friend's husband made a couple of passes at me years ago. I was embarrassed. She had forgiven 'misdemeanours' before. I didn't think it would make any difference to their relationship if I told, it would only hurt her. I also thought it may destroy my friendship with her and I didn't want to risk it.

It sounds horribly selfish now. I never did tell her. Maybe your sister feels something similar. Maybe she thinks you'll blame her, or you won't believe her? I think the best option here is to ask her.

Your partner is a sleazy bastard. And a very nasty one to jeopardise your relationship with your sister.

MuchAdoAboutEverything Mon 16-Jun-14 20:21:56

Thanks for all the replies, I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I have trouble trusting my instincts and thoughts on things so it helps.
The coming round the back thing sounds like it's too familiar but you cannot get to her house from the back, I am assuming it was ment to be funny??? We all have a bit of banter when we are together but I wouldn't expectit to happen via text between them. God what a shitty situation, how did I get here?

kalidanger Mon 16-Jun-14 20:25:56

Rounds the back might be a euphemism for the, uh, 'back door'. Tradesman' entrance, if you will. Sorry.

I maintain that texting sis is a symptom of something else, not the cause if his bahaviour. But who knows.

Are you going to speak to your sister?

WhereTheWildlingsAre Mon 16-Jun-14 20:27:30

Sounds awful. I agree with posters who are saying your sister is not the problem and it does sound like he has been harassing her.

GarlicJuneBlooms Mon 16-Jun-14 20:32:00

Look, I don't know whether to make anything of it but was the number definitely your sister's? I was thinking of all the cheating partners who've changed the OW's name to "Fred" in their contacts list.

I really sympathise, Much. You probably don't need telling that your anxiety & loss of trust in yourself is bound to be connected with a partner putting distance between you with secrets ... it's important to know you CAN trust yourself, and blow it wide open if you can.

Whocansay Mon 16-Jun-14 20:33:25

Sorry OP, but I also read the 'I'll come round the back' text as an anal sex reference.

WhereTheWildlingsAre Mon 16-Jun-14 20:37:48

That's how I read the back door ref too.

kalidanger Mon 16-Jun-14 20:39:03

I can almost hear OP smacking herself on the forehead re: bumsex sad

neiljames77 Mon 16-Jun-14 20:44:08

You might have to be a bit sneaky to get to the truth.
Have a word with your sister, like this;

You; " Is there something you want to tell me?"
Sis;" About what?"
You;" You and my husband and what's been going on."

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. Don't forget, you haven't actually accused her of seeing him.
If she blows up and says it's him sending texts but she didn't want to cause trouble, fine. Bollock her for not telling you or telling him to fuck off. Then deal with him.

If she goes red/starts crying/denies everything, then I'm afraid you've got two twats to deal with.

foadmn Mon 16-Jun-14 21:11:31

not happy with this.
there are many texts.
the sister hasn't shopped him.

op, it suggests there is more between them than you want to think about.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Mon 16-Jun-14 21:14:09

The sister is most definitely NOT at fault in any way here.

The op herself is concerned about what will happen to her, I woudl hate to be the one to tell my sister her relationship is over,and that she may end up in serious trouble financially too.

It's typical that people can blame a woman who is being sexually harassed and not the sleaze bag husband.

Op he is a shit head. I know it won;t be easy but for your self, you need to leave

ReallyFuckingFedUp Mon 16-Jun-14 21:16:19

Bollock her for not telling you or telling him to fuck off. Then deal with him.

No, you don't gt to "bollock" someone who is being sexually harassed by an asshole who knows he can get away with harassing because she doesn't want to hurt her sister.

It iis not her job to play her bil's keeper. The only one who gets a bollocking is sleaze bag partner

ReallyFuckingFedUp Mon 16-Jun-14 21:18:03

If there was something more going on some of the texts would have referenced that! He would be asking her why she isn't interested anymore/ why she hasn't called him since X,Y,Z. None of those texts suggest a relationship. They suggest and asshole boyfriend who has no respect for his partner or women in general

Vivacia Mon 16-Jun-14 21:20:08

I also had the thought that the number might not be the sister's.

The OP won't be slapping her forehead, she's already explained she knew the reference.

neiljames77 Mon 16-Jun-14 21:31:51

Why is she replying to them then? Surely she'd just ignore them. Whether she tells or doesn't tell her sister is a judgement call. If she ignored them or blocked his number, there wouldn't have been many texts would there?

Hissy Mon 16-Jun-14 21:59:56

What bothers me is that the reply she did send was:

'You can't say that to me'

NOT

DON'T say that to me.

Big difference.

Preciousbane Mon 16-Jun-14 22:04:47

The DP is an arsehole and the sister maybe one, until this is bought to both their attentions and in to the open there is no real way of knowing.

My sister sent my DH an innapropriate FB msg, he told me immediatly. The sister should have not even replied and told the op straight away.

I would imagine a large contributing factor to your anxiety and depression is your partner.

U2TheEdge Mon 16-Jun-14 22:29:34

I am so sorry op, how awful sad

I am also doubting your sister. I don't know, but I would have thought that somewhere down the line he may have thought these kind of texts would be well received by your sister? I mean, I know my bil would not send these texts as he would know that I would blow the whistle or at least have it out with him.

Obviously she could (and I hope) be innocent, but I find it strange that you didn't read any texts from her telling him to fuck off at least. I understand her being worried to tell you but she could have at least dealt with him when he texted her those things.

I hope I am wrong, but my instincts is to say that there was probably something going on there at one point if not now.

No one here knows, no one can say your sister is definitely not at fault here as one poster said. We don't know.

I hope you can manage to get to the bottom of it and I hope your sister is completely innocent.

It is going to be hard to broach the subject with her but it needs to be done. Much love to you thanks

U2TheEdge Mon 16-Jun-14 22:39:15

If there was something more going on some of the texts would have referenced that! He would be asking her why she isn't interested anymore/ why she hasn't called him since X,Y,Z. None of those texts suggest a relationship. They suggest and asshole boyfriend who has no respect for his partner or women in general

We don't know what happened in the past. If there were deleted texts, emails, phone calls and so on.

None of us know or can say with any accuracy that the sister hasn't had a part in this.

I think the OP needs to question them both with open eyes. I don't know the best way to do that without blaming the sister incase she is innocent but really, we can all speculate all night long but the OP needs to do some digging and talking before she decides her next steps, not just assume her sister is innocent or guilty based on a few texts.

YourBrotherInLaw Mon 16-Jun-14 22:47:20

Precious your sister?! shock

I think the sister is an ok egg here op. She doesn't sound like she's encouraging it and probably doesn't want to rock the boat by telling you.

look, normal folk just don't know how to deal with sexual predators, which is what the predator relies upon.

He has put the sister in an invidious position, because he genuinely believes she will not rock the family boat by grassing him up. He is preying upon her normal sense of keeping family safe while making sure she does not say anything.

He is the abusive bastard here.

Poor you OP. Poor sister.

Stick with your decent family . Tell your sister you know about his sexually conniving texts to her. Tell her you know its absolutely not her fault.

She must be in turmoil right now.

Not to say you are not. The bastard is using you and your family for his little sexual games.

This is hard core stuff. Please do not ignore. or minimise.

You deserve better.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 02:28:55

I agree with MadameD. I think your sister has been unsure how to deal with it, hoping it'll go away, doubting whether she's over-reacting herself. She may also have kept the texts intending to show you once she's got enough evidence. The worst scenario for her is that she tells you and you laugh it off and accuse her of wanting your DP/trying to break you up. And everyone thinks he's a nice guy, etc., so...

You've been together a long time, which also makes it more complicated.

I'd raise it with her, not accusingly, but in a 'I found this out' way, and you may find out that she's relieved to be able to talk to you about it.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 17-Jun-14 02:31:04

Oh! Lightbulb. That first text: "why don't you text me anymore". That tells you everything. They were texting, friendly, and then he slowly stepped it up to get more and more flirtatious. And she's responded by shutting it down as much as possible, but of course she hasn't told you, because she's scared that she led him on. Predators always make women feel that.

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 06:18:50

I think the best plan is to assume/pretend that the sister is innocent and approach her and say 'i've just seen the texts you've been getting from this bastardP, i'm so sorry, are you ok?. You could have told me earlier'

The best way to stop this is to blow it out of the water.

Once all the details come out, you can deal with them bit by bit.

We'll be here to help/handhold/bury him under the patio smile

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 06:25:01

Actually I have re-read the op. She has been replying, but noncommittal responses, and definitely not shutting him down/ignoring him.

The why don't you text me anymore from him is telling.

Proves at some point there was more of a dialogue.

Reading your op again actually it looks pretty bad. Please prepare yourself for the worst. Be strong. You are by no means alone.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 06:49:33

If he has kept all the incredibly inappropriate texts that he has done, why the assumption that there might be worse ones that he has deleted? Op tread carefully with your sister don't lose someone who loves you because you have a twat for a husband

Lweji Tue 17-Jun-14 06:53:36

I agree with tortoise.
The texts are not so bad that she could show them to you and be confident that you'd think he was a creep. It might well create a problem between you two.
She may not be sure herself of what to think about them and consider "cheeky banter". We see it here often enough how these men are just excused.

What are you doing about it?

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 07:10:02

Exactly, 'cheeky banter' bleuch. I bet if op had done a reverse thread many posters would say don't get involved , it will ruin your relationship, let your sister figure it out for herself

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 07:11:16

Exactly, 'cheeky banter' bleuch. I bet if op had done a reverse thread many posters would say don't get involved , it will ruin your relationship, let your sister figure it out for herself

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 07:25:36

Sister is a victim of sexual harassment. Why the hell should she know how to deal with it. I freeze up in that kind of situation or sometimes I've been very naive and not understood what the man was getting at-back door is new to me. My friend has been harassed by her bil and she knows her sister doesn't want to know. I feel very sorry for op's sister -I imagine he lulled her into texting with innocent stuff and then turned it sleazy.
Get your free half hour of legal advice op-you may have more rights than you thi k.
sorry this has happened to you. Document everything and prepare yourself.

defineme Tue 17-Jun-14 07:28:22

I also hope that some of your anxiety and depression might lift if you get rid of this poor excuse for a dp.

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 07:33:51

Actually OP, is there any history of manipulative/abusive relationships that your sister would have witnessed?

IF she's a naïve/innocent party in all this, if there is such an unhealthy dynamic in her history (even if it's your parents/GP) it might have conditioned her into not being able to respond powerfully.

I'd be honest with her I think, tell her I know, and ask her outright what was going on, without accusations, just wanting to know the truth. Calm, non-aggressive and collaborative.

Thing is, genie's out of the bottle now, so you have to do something, or it'll turn you into a paranoid wreck.

Sorry, it's a hideous situation, whatever is at the core, your head must be absolutely whirling!

TheWickerWoman Tue 17-Jun-14 07:55:27

'I'll call next time'

Next time?

Frontier Tue 17-Jun-14 08:01:30

I read that as a threat Wicker - if you don't reply I'll call - and an opportunity to add some sleazy "banter"

TheWickerWoman Tue 17-Jun-14 08:05:58

Do you think? You may have a point there.. I hope I'm wrong then because it mean dsis hasn't betrayed the op too. Does your dp have a Facebook account or whatsapp you could look through, op?

U2TheEdge Tue 17-Jun-14 08:35:00

reallyfuckingfedup

We just don't know.

I would hate for the OP to believe 100% her sister is innocent and it turns out that she wasn't.

No one can tell from a few texts so I am not sure why some are so adamant that she is innocent. It may look like she is a victim here by the few texts we have seen but we have no idea what has gone on.

I think it is just wise for the OP to keep an open mind. No one is saying she should go in accusing her but I think it would be foolish to believe she is innocent until she actually speaks with her.

What is wrong with going in with an open mind?

I would also be looking through emails and any other text apps if possible.

How are you this morning OP?

MuchAdoAboutEverything Tue 17-Jun-14 09:24:42

Hi, sorry I dissapeared last night, had a movie night with dd to take my mind off things..
There are so many replies sorry if I miss anything, the 'I'll call next time' isn't a threat, he was passing her house whilst walking the dog. They do talk regularly, she is going through a messy divorce with ex bil and we are trying to mediate to make it easier on their children.
My sister is quite naive, hates confrontation and tries to see the best in people so would rather sweep it under the carpet and pretend it isn't happening to
avoid an argument.
How can you live with someone for 15 years and not even know them?

ReallyFuckingFedUp Tue 17-Jun-14 09:37:07

DO you think your husband has used your sister's new vulnerability to "swoop in"?

People can hide themselves or they can just turn in to assholes OP. It won't be easy but at least you knwo now and you can start fresh, your sister and you can rely on each other while you are oging through the same thing.

Please don't let him talk his way out of it...he's not just a cheater he's a trying to pressure someone in a vulnerable position and turn in the worst kind of betrayal. He is a massive twat

AnyFucker Tue 17-Jun-14 09:39:19

What have you decided to do, OP ?

yoyo27 Tue 17-Jun-14 13:45:16

OP, have you spoken to your sister yet? X

Hissy Tue 17-Jun-14 13:52:52

This is a MESS MuchAdo, why are you so involved in her breakup? this is ridiculous.

YOU are her sister. YOU. if she needs support regarding her relationship breakdown, how on earth would a bloke, who is CLEARLY manipulating the situation for his own jollies, have the first clue as to what she should or should not do.

You need to get her to one side and find out what really is going on.

Worst case scenario, she's involved in all this and not stopping it, or he's being sleazy and she doesn't know how to deal with it, or is so wasted by the fallout of the bil divorce thing.

You can't ignore this.

Meerka Tue 17-Jun-14 14:54:34

I wonder if your sister feels that she darent offend your DP or you by calling his behavioru out, since he's helping with her messy divorce? She might be afraid you both back off?

Which makes your DP's behaviour vile. To try to home in on a vulnerable naive woman in the middle of a divorce ... god. Im sorry, but with the nature of those texts it's possible he's actually really coming onto her in person too. I think you need to talk to her urgently, to help protect her. The very last thing she needs is a predator she daren't offend.

As someone said up thread, if she's relieved that you bring it up, then that's good news ... or as good as it can be in the circumstances. if she's ashamed, then she might not be as naive as she seemed.

I'm leaning towards her being innocent in all this. Your Dp on the other hand ... sorry, but you deserve much, much better treatment than this.

MexicanSpringtime Tue 17-Jun-14 15:46:07

My daughter had a problem with her friend's fiancé who was coming on to her, almost to the point of attempted rape. She told her friend and her friend choose to end her friendship with my dd and still married the jerk.

I honestly could not live with anyone who was like your DH. It's bad enough that they are looking for sex outside their relationship, but to come on friends and relatives of their wife is the lowest of the low.

Wishyouwould Tue 17-Jun-14 16:15:59

Completely agree with Hissy

What a horrible situation OP, hope you get some answers. Good luck.

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