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I always feel so ridiculously alone.

(50 Posts)
Hurr1cane Sat 14-Jun-14 19:47:30

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment but I just feel so shit and sad all the time. I live on my own with my little boy who has ASC, severe learning disabilities and an array of health problems. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. But I still feel really alone.

I have no family up here, my mum moved us about all over the UK chasing after men when we were kids and ended up staying where we are, near her family. But when DS was diagnosed with all his challenges they were all vile about him. So I don't talk to any of them anymore.

My dads family are ace, but all live miles away. They phone me once a week but it just isn't 'enough' if you know what I mean. I'd love to move to be closer to them but DSs dad is here and I don't want him to go through what I did when I was a child. I want him to have his dad near him.

I have a DP who I've been with a couple of years now but can only really see him once a week, we are rarely intimate as he's always really tired.

I have friends ish. But they all have children with disabilities and their own families so I don't see them often either.

I can't work because of the level of DSs needs so I'm just in the house or taking DS to places he likes.

You don't actually have to reply to this I just want a cry. I'm completely sick of life at the moment.

Wishfulmakeupping Sat 14-Jun-14 19:52:02

I here and listening, I'm not sure what advice I can give you but it sounds like you are a fab mum really trying hard so let yourself have a cry if you need to xxx

yummytummy Sat 14-Jun-14 19:53:25

Hi just wanted to say ur not alone. I feel exactly the same. Single parent no family support at all and ex is a complete wanker who moved in with a new woman a few weeks after we broke up after a 20 year relationship. So yup another who is sick of life but I guess it can only get better right? I just live a day at a time and try and do one tiny nice thing a day like sitting with a coffee for two mins or a shower with my fancy shower gel. Sounds small but does help. But yeah its def not just u x

Hurr1cane Sat 14-Jun-14 19:55:41

DSs birthday is coming up and although DP has taken the day off work, it's just going to be me, DP and DS. Not much of a party for him is it? I feel like a shit mum who can't even give him a proper family.

On Christmas I have DS in the morning to open his presents and send him to his dads for the rest of the day for a proper family Christmas because I can't offer him that. Then I just sit at home on my own wishing I could.

foadmn Sat 14-Jun-14 20:02:32

i can't do anything except send you love and hugs. i believe in God so i'll pray for you.

three people is enough for a party, two people is enough, if there is love.

i used to spend Christmas afternoons alone, too, while daughter was with her dad's family. you get used to it.

more love, sister. [that's a Shaker greeting. it came to mind]

Wishfulmakeupping Sat 14-Jun-14 20:04:17

Please don't be hard on yourself OP you really are doing an amazing job by the sounds of it but I know sometime we can't see how well we are doing ourselves. I agree with yummy try to be kind to yourself and do something nice whenever you get a chance to xx

Walkacrossthesand Sat 14-Jun-14 20:09:28

Just a thought - is there any way some Christmases could be with your dad & his family? Just a couple of days, maybe Xmas eve/ Xmas day, coming back in the afternoon so DS's dad can pick him up for a 2nd Christmas? It's nice to have something to look forward to as winter sets in.

Hurr1cane Sat 14-Jun-14 20:28:51

It would be nice but DS wouldn't cope with the travelling and change at such an exciting time hmm we are working up to maybe visiting them in the summer if he's up to it though. I do like the fact that he still gets a good family Christmas and I'm really happy that he has all of his dads side. I'm just a bit sad that I can't give him that as well.

Hurr1cane Sat 14-Jun-14 20:29:06

Thanks for all the lovely replies by the way smile

Parsley1234 Sat 14-Jun-14 20:34:15

Sending you love it's just me and my beautiful ds. I feal sometimes I can't give him a great family as I have no family so he ends up going to his dads but I know I do the best I can and sounds like you do too. Must be really hard with your sons additional needs too I'm really sorry it sounds tough.i hope you manage to visit your dads family xx

springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 07:37:45

I'm sorry things are so hard for you xx

I'm at the other end of parenting (kids grown) and in hindsight I did too many things 'for the sake of the children' which left me impoverished in one way or another. I'd say that if you are suffering because of your situ then your boy will be suffering too - and to that end I would seriously consider moving to be closer to your dad's family.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 15-Jun-14 07:51:17

What springy daffy yet. Is his dad a good dad anyway?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 15-Jun-14 07:51:30

Said even!

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 10:02:32

His dad and his dads family are fantastic and are a massive part of his life. He has contact with them regularly and it's my only form of respite. I would never get over the guilt of moving him that far away from his family. I just couldn't do it. I get that other people do but there will be different circumstances and reasons

springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 13:22:51

Half his family - the family that are making your life miserable. Do please consider the effect of this on you, therefore the effect on your son . Really, that's how it goes.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 13:46:45

His dads family aren't making my life miserable. I probably wasn't clear, my mums family are.

springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 14:06:31

I would still consider moving for your sake, therefore your boy's sake <goes on, sorry>

Honestly, it seems so clear to me, now it's all over for me, that mothers, especially currently, lay down their life for their children, to the mother's huge detriment - therefore the children's detriment. I'm not talking about doing precisely what we like, just looking at the main building blocks: your situation is making you very unhappy. Perhaps have a look at the 'guilt', pick it apart, put it under the microscope...

There are so many things I could have done but didn't 'for the sake of the children'. As a result I was ultimately miserable - and that had a direct impact on my kids (though I didn't see that at the time).

Do you visit your dad's side of the family for extended periods? xx

SavoyCabbage Sun 15-Jun-14 14:14:52

There's a huge difference between all the moving that your mum did as a child and you and your ds making a move to live nearer your dad and family. It's not the same. You would be doing it in a considered way.

I've emigrated and we have nobody here. It's crushingly lonely. If I could go home, I'd do it today.

My mum told me, that you can't always be sacrificing your own happiness for your children. Because if you do then your children's mother will be unhappy and that is far more likely to have an affect on them than other things.

Please think about moving.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:15:55

But then I'd lose DP as well hmm I love DP. We don't live together but I've known him forever and we've been together a good couple of years

Twinklestein Sun 15-Jun-14 14:19:22

How come you only get to see your DP once a week?

SavoyCabbage Sun 15-Jun-14 14:20:34

How come you only see him once a week at the moment? And how far is it from where you are now to where your dad lives?

GungHo Sun 15-Jun-14 14:28:26

I love springy. A long-time poster and so wise.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:32:48

Because he works a lot, and he works evenings so he will start work at about 3pm and work till 1-3am. So if he works 5 days a week (when sometimes to be honest it's 7 days) then he's got one day with me and one day to socialise with his friends.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:33:10

It's miles away from my dad. 8 hours drive.

germinal Sun 15-Jun-14 14:33:28

hurricane you sound so lovely and so selfless making the tough decision to be near your little boys df. I think it sounds like you have absolutely made the right, "child focused" decision. Your little boy will be all the better for having such a mum, who supports his strong relationship with his father.

Am so sorry you feel lonely sad. I hope you find a way through that. Xxx

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:35:29

If DS is having seizures though or if I haven't slept because of his care needs for a good few days he will come to mine after work and sit up till 6am with DS while I get some sleep and then go to bed himself while I get up, but then he will sleep till 2pm to get ready for another long shift. I am lucky to have him.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:38:13

Thank you germinal. I am generally happy. It's just occasionally for maybe a week or so a month I get this horrible lonely feeling. It's worse on special occasions like DSs birthday.

I'm also worried that my mum might try to come over on the day hmm

I went NC with her about 7 months ago after years of dealing with her putting me and DS in the middle of her cheating and relationship issues and dealing with her trying to downplay how horrible her family were about DS hmm

I really just want her to leave us alone.

LineRunner Sun 15-Jun-14 14:38:40

I think the relationship with your DP needs looking at, tbh. You only see him once a week, and are rarely intimate. That in itself sounds lonely for you. Do you wish it were different? Could it be better?

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:41:16

He's so tired all the time though that's the reason we are rarely intimate. He works really hard for minimum wage and he just doesn't have any energy a lot of the time.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 14:42:21

I do wish it were different, but I have a DP who I can trust, who helps with DS and who I get on with his friends and family, so really I am very lucky with him.

germinal Sun 15-Jun-14 14:46:06

linerunner op has a little boy with special needs, op and her dp both work. I dunno. Life is so hard and complicated sometimes. Having initimacy with your partner might take a backseat 5o all the other things going on. Sounds like her dp is pretty supportive (?) But op just feels so lonely sometimes. I understand that. I dont think it will endure though, she sounds very lovable.

germinal Sun 15-Jun-14 14:46:46

Loveable.

LineRunner Sun 15-Jun-14 14:54:46

I get that, germinal. But there may be a way to make things just a little bit better.

And yes, OP, you do sound great!

springydaffs Sun 15-Jun-14 14:55:49

aw thanks, Gung, htat's a kind thing to say <tongue-tied>

Perhaps if you had a fulfilling relationship with dp it would ease things. One day a week is a bit miserable, particularly if you're not getting it together, too. HOw come you don't live together?

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 16:14:05

Thank you germinal smile

We don't live together because we have only been together for 2 years. It may seem like a long time but we don't really feel it is. As well as that there's the whole totally differing routines thing at the moment. He doesn't want to come in from work and be silent in fear of waking us up, and I don't want to have to creep around all day trying to be quiet in the fear of waking him up, his job at the moment is a bit of a stop gap after being made redundant so that might all change at some point. Plus it might have to change very soon as he's pretty sure the person he rents off at the moment is thinking of selling.

But also I think I'm a bit funny about moving in until maybe another year or so, my own issues coming from my mum moving us from living with one man to another pretty much yearly hmm I want any major thing like this to be permanent.

I'll be honest, if DS hadn't met DP by accident (ran downstairs when he woke up when DP was visiting at night) I don't know how long I would have left it. Probably completely unreasonable of me, I'm very over cautious because of my childhood.

Twinklestein Sun 15-Jun-14 16:59:04

If your partner worked normal hours and you saw him regularly during the week, your whole life might feel different. It would also mean you could live together when you feel ready.

You say his current work is only a 'stopgap', is there any possibility of that on the horizon?

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 17:08:10

Yes it would be better if he worked normal hours, he is looking for work but as everyone knows, work is hard to come by at the moment so he's lucky to even have a job, especially in our neck of the woods hmm

whitesugar Sun 15-Jun-14 20:01:52

Hurr21cane, I know where you are coming from as I live hundreds of miles away from my family. I could have moved back to where I am from when I separated but thought that my DC would not have a relationship with their father if I moved back. I have been here 17 years and don't get to see my family as much as I would like to. I agonised over it for years and then realised that my sibling's dont make an awful lot of effort to see one another even though they live relatively close to one another.

I think that some families do drift apart. I speak to my parents regularly and visit when I can. To be brutally honest I used to go more when the DC were little and I could bundle them into the car but now that they have their own social lives I don't go nearly half as much. I care very much about my silblings and nieces and nephews but in reality they are not really part of my day to day life any more.

I think that our situation is no longer unique and I know plenty of people in our situation. I think we just need to take the focus off that issue and get on with our lives as best we can. The country I am from has a big emmigration issue and it seems to me that all our worries can be quite easily put into the 'if I was only nearer to my family everything would be ok' basket. Perhaps we believe that if we were close to our family everything would magically be better. I have neighbours who tell me that the worst thing about their lives is living so close to their relations who stick their oar into everything they do.

You can be the family circle for your little boy. Visit your dad when you can and in the meantime ring him as much as possible and set up skype so your little lad can get to know his grandad. Even though it is no doubt tricky with your son's difficulties try your best to visit. Open up to your dad and tell him you would like to visit more. If it is financial difficulties that stop you from visiting our dad invite him up to your house.

Hurr1cane Sun 15-Jun-14 20:12:40

My dad visits twice a year ish, which is probably as much as he can. To be fair he travels that much with work that even my step mum moans about not seeing him.

DS knows his grandad and he's one of his favourite people even though he rarely sees him, probably because he always comes baring gifts and spoils him rotten grin

I know I'm not alone and most of the time none of it even bothers me, it's just special occasions that seen to get to me.

I wanted a massive family myself and I wanted lots of children, but I got pregnant at 17, had little DS with all his needs (who I wouldn't change for the world) and then split with his dad and eventually decided I didn't want any more children because DSs care needs were so great that I wanted to give him all my attention.

So I'd planned to have a massive family and never be alone and ended up just me and DS. Which I love most of the time but sometimes it's just....lonely.

SavoyCabbage Sun 15-Jun-14 22:26:52

Holidays are hard for me too. So far away from our families.

What has helped us is creating our own traditions. So I have a felt advent calendar so it's always the same one. I a
Ways make exactly the same sake at Easter (which nobody eats as they are sick of chocolate) we always have pancakes on Saturdays. Things like that.

springydaffs Mon 16-Jun-14 22:16:39

Funny how life turns out eh. I also wanted a big family but it wasn't to be; whereas my sister has exactly the life I wanted (want!) and she didn't particularly want it and moans about it. I tend to generally steer clear of spending too much time with people with big, eventful families, it's just too painful - I wish them well and all, of course, just don't want it in my face too often.

Thatslife72 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:35:15

Hi hurricane, I have been keeping an eye on your thread as I find it hard sometimes too. I moved away from my family and my mum had cancer at the time to be with my now ex husband. It didn't work out though as he just couldn't cope with family life in the end, I was always doing it on my own and actually felt soooo lonely with him! My mum died in the end as well.

I decided after my marriage broke up that it would be better for the children to be near to their dad and also it gave me a break every other weekend if they saw their dad regularly, so I decided to make a life for myself here, and I pretty much have, I have my own little business, my own house I have made friends but not a massive amount. Like you I have a lovely dp but I only see him twice a week due to circumstances I find that hard. We are talking about living together but it probably won't happen for another 1 or 2 years. I do find it hard sometimes though my sister does family things with my dad like on Father's Day but I live too far away so don't very often see them. I find it hard when I fill a form in at the dentist for instance when they ask for a contact number in an emergency there isn't anyone, I suppose my dp but I always think what if we split up.

I have a few times thought about moving back up to were my family live, but I've always come to the conclusion it's better for the children if I live here, schools their friends, their dad. But sometimes I'm not sure if I'm happy, especially when you see others getting help from their mums or family members, but then moving up to be with family would I really see them that much, I would be starting again really as all my old friends have pretty much moved on too. So I know exactly what your going through. I wonder if you live anywhere near me ? I pull myself out of it but sometimes I feel lonely and pathetic too, people don't really know how hard it is do they x

madbutnormal Tue 17-Jun-14 14:36:58

Hi you are not alone. Me sp and dh dead. Dread school run as always on my own like billy no mates. Been ill for a while so at home all day and there is only so much house work I can do. Really down and low but mn does help an awful lot.

Quitelikely Tue 17-Jun-14 14:45:38

Hi

Have you asked for a carers assessment? This will help identify if you have any needs etc which could result in getting respite care or direct payments for help towards someone assisting with your son.

You are obviously doing a fantastic job and your l

Quitelikely Tue 17-Jun-14 14:46:10

Love for your son shines through in your posts.

Hurr1cane Tue 17-Jun-14 14:47:25

I'm in the north west. I don't know if that's close?

Oh no sad I'm so sorry to hear you're alone on the school run! I've made a couple of friends at the school run but the new school DS is going to doesn't really have a school run, just school buses and taxis and then me, taking DS because I'm way too paranoid to trust anyone else with him grin

Thatslife72 Tue 17-Jun-14 16:06:32

Ah my dad lives in the northwest, sadly I'm down south , oh and I haven't made any friends at the school either, I find them quite rude here. The last school my children went to I made friends some I still stay in touch with but here no one really, so I do feel lonely sometimes x

Hurr1cane Tue 17-Jun-14 17:53:08

I haven't asked for a carers assessment yet because I didn't want respite because I didn't trust anyone with him. I'm trying now though because I've found someone amazing smile

springydaffs Sun 22-Jun-14 09:49:23

How you, Hurr!cane? smile

springydaffs Sun 22-Jun-14 09:50:37

Well I tried with the 1 (duh) wink

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