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Anyone ever left home due to the behaviour of their children?

(64 Posts)
MillieMummy Fri 13-Jun-14 19:22:41

Hit a new low here.

DD came back from yr 6 week away today; everyother child got off the coach and hugged their parents. My DD kicked me because I tried to hug her; apparently I am embarassing.

DH is out - tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out. Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now.

Don't know what else to do; can a parent and child do relationship counselling?

strawberryangel Fri 13-Jun-14 19:25:15

Good lord, she's 6! You can't leave her!

defineme Fri 13-Jun-14 19:25:17

Yes family counselling is an option.
that sounds awful-is that typical?

strawberryangel Fri 13-Jun-14 19:25:58

I don't mean you can't spend a day away from her, btw, but you can't 'leave her' due to her behaviour!

Lilaclily Fri 13-Jun-14 19:26:29

Year 6 so age 11?

restandpeace Fri 13-Jun-14 19:26:33

Shes 10/11

defineme Fri 13-Jun-14 19:28:17

She will be 11 if in year 6.
I think a weekend away for space is different-i am not saying you should go but I assume you didn't mean fir good.
Parentline might be worth asking for advice

MillieMummy Fri 13-Jun-14 19:28:30

She's 10 in year 6. Behaviour towards me is increasingly bad, she's rude and has no respect for me.

I'm shocked that she actually kicked me because I tried to hug her.

clam Fri 13-Jun-14 19:29:10

So, is this typical behaviour for her towards you? Nothing that could just be put down to being very tired and grumpy from a long and tiring week away?

HexBramble Fri 13-Jun-14 19:30:44

Sounds like there's a lot more to this OP. It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back and you feel that your relationship is breaking down?

I'm certain that there are counsellors out there to help seal these cracks. What else has been going on?

callamia Fri 13-Jun-14 19:31:05

Family therapy? It sounds like doing this pre-teenage years might be a real opportunity to change things for you.

educationrocks1 Fri 13-Jun-14 19:31:07

Strawberry OP said year 6 week away not 6yrs old! so i'm assuming she's taking about a 10/11yr old.

Sorry OP i don't have any advice but it must be very difficult and frustrating for you. Hope somebody with good advice comes along soon.

strawberryangel Fri 13-Jun-14 19:31:31

Right, sorry, I thought she was 6. Difficult behaviour, and I do think she needs to understand how much she's upset you.

Just be careful not to withdraw completely though, whatever the reasons for her poor behaviour, she needs to understand that she is loved at all times.

Lilaclily Fri 13-Jun-14 19:31:32

Often when they come back from trips away they're tired & emotional & struggle how to be your dc again when they've been independent for the time they were away

What she needs is to know you're there

It'll make it worse, surely if she knows you'll go if she behaves badly ?

MmeMorrible Fri 13-Jun-14 19:31:45

But she's just come back from a week away - how will you going away for a further few days help?

Avoiding her isn't going to solve this. Threatening to leave her is hardly going to build confidence and trust between you. She sounds angry - what could be making her feel angry or resentful?

MillieMummy Fri 13-Jun-14 19:38:26

Family therapy sounds like a good option.

I have no idea why she is angry - she is well behaved at school and does well, she has been supported by DP and I in everything she does. She isn't spoiled but we are lucky enough to be able to afford to buy things/go on holiday.

I really don't see what I am doing wrong.

I kind of get the 'my mum is embarassasing' thing but surely most 10 yr olds would hug their mum after a week away - every other child in the class did.

defineme Fri 13-Jun-14 19:38:35

I would send her to bed now and then in the morning I would lay out my expectations and consequences (selling technology would be involved).
I would attempt to redirect her too. If you are alwsys theone eho makes her do her hhomework etc then I would put that onto dh wherever possible. take the pressure off your relationship. Dh can send her to bed, remind her to pack her bag, not let her out til homework done etc.

ladygracie Fri 13-Jun-14 19:45:42

My son came back from a trip. Most of the kids did not hug their parents when they got back but clearly this is not the only issue. If you think it will help then you should do it. Is DP supportive of your idea?

MmeMorrible Fri 13-Jun-14 19:46:18

How did you deal with the kicking incident, what did you do & say
Did you voice out loud in her earshot that you wanted to leave her?

SanityClause Fri 13-Jun-14 19:46:37

If she doesn't want to hug you, don't make her. She doesn't have to do what everyone else does. Hugging your mother out of duty sounds awful.

Obviously, kicking is unacceptable, and she needs to learn that If she doesn't want to do something, she needs to talk about it, not lash out physically. No violence has to be a "house rule".

goshhhhhh Fri 13-Jun-14 19:48:24

Family therapy is a good idea & also look at NVC. Us you Dd hitting puberty?

Haffdonga Fri 13-Jun-14 19:54:47

My dcs would have died of embarrassment if I'd tried to hug them in year 6. I don't think I've been able to publicly hug either of them since nursery. You have unrealisitic expectations there, perhaps.

Your dh sounds like he's taking a sensible approach by listening and keeping the communication going, but how on earth are you helping or would you be able to get this sorted out if you leave your dd for the weekend? confused

MillieMummy Fri 13-Jun-14 20:01:01

I didn't react at the time; TBH I was so shocked I didn't know how to react.

She is reading puberty and is clearly tired after a week away.

I can accept that she didn't 'want' to hug me but surely not unreasonable to accept my hug.

I haven't told her I want to go; DP is out, will discuss with him in the morning.

IsItMeOr Fri 13-Jun-14 20:01:48

Have you tried the books that I regularly recommended on here? I'm thinking about How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk, Lovebombing and The Explosive Child. They all suggest approaches for dealing with issues between parent and child, and one or several of them might click for you.

DS is a lot younger (5), and appears to have SEN, but I've certainly find some of the ideas in all those books helpful for navigating our relationship so far.

IsItMeOr Fri 13-Jun-14 20:03:49

I get that "so shocked I don't know how to react" sometimes too. It's okay to cool off and figure out a way to deal with it later - kind of like time out for parents...

PortofinoRevisited Fri 13-Jun-14 20:09:15

my dd is 10 and would not hug me in public. i would have words though if she kicked me. i would put it down to being tired and probably she was happy to see you really, but hormones make them not know how to handle the emotions. i wouldn't be leaving home over it. i would plan some simple activity just for the 2 of you over the weekend.

pilates Fri 13-Jun-14 20:14:24

My friend's son behaves like this but he has aspergers, I'm presuming your DD hasn't any special needs?

lljkk Fri 13-Jun-14 20:17:01

I often feel like that OP, have some wine on me.

Haffdonga Fri 13-Jun-14 20:17:31

Millie on the face of it a parent temporarily leaving home because your ten year old didn't want to hug you is a MASSIVE overreaction. So massive that I'm sure that there actually is far more going on between all 3 of you that you probably don't want to tell us.

Of course kicking is unaccetable and that needs dealing with but again, on the face of it, what message does your walking out for the weekend give your dd?

(Perhaps that your love is conditional on her acting like the other kids in the class, or that you aren't happy she's home, or that she's unloveable or that you don't care enough to stick around and talk to her or that sulking or running away is how to deal with problems?) I'm not saying that any of these things are true, btw, but it seems that this is one of those times when you have to act the grownup and model the way of tackling problems that you'd like your dd to learn.

FantasticButtocks Fri 13-Jun-14 20:23:02

That sounds very hurtful. sad

What you do next will teach her about how to resolve or deal with arguments and/or hurt feelings.

She is only 10, so she still has lots to learn about how to behave and how to deal with difficult feelings. And she is going to be learning it from you. So if you leave home, then what message are you giving her about what to do when you feel hurt/angry/upset?

I think you need to talk to her. To say that obviously kicking someone is wrong and is not a way to deal with anything, and will not be accepted. The way to sort things out is by talking. You could explain that you felt very hurt when she kicked you for trying to hug you. Try and find out why she did that. Obviously you are the adult, but you are still allowed to say if something has upset you.

She is saying she is embarrassed by your hug. You could ask her if that is really true. And if it is, let her know that if she prefers not be hugged in front of her friends, then you won't. But she must talk to you when she has a problem, not kick you. You will behave respectfully towards her and you expect her to do the same to you and every other person.

Perhaps someone on the trip wasn't nice to her or teased her, making her feel embarrassed that they should see you hug her?

If you have been struggling with many issues like this with DD, then maybe a bit of family therapy would help you all. Best of luck thanks

superstarheartbreaker Sat 14-Jun-14 08:51:18

My dd is 5 and if she is tired she will hit me if I try to hug her. Its not personal but ot does hurt.sometimes it is a case of 'where have you been for a week?'
When dd was 3, I went away for teo days and left her with mum. When I came back she spent about 10 minutes throwing toys at me as she was so annoyed id been away! It was comical bless her.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 14-Jun-14 08:51:59

Two

Isetan Sat 14-Jun-14 09:46:59

OP I don't get this statement, "I can accept that she didn't 'want' to hug me but surely not unreasonable to accept my hug". If she didn't want physical contact at that time then she wouldn't make the distinction between the giving and receiving of a hug. Hugs asides, her physical attack was unacceptable and it very much sounds like there needs to be some sort of intervention. I can understand your dissapointment and frustration but moving out won't help. I would talk to your H and maybe he should take the parental lead until counselling has been arranged. However, physical violence is an absolute no no and you and your DH need to be firm and united on this.

Right now I think it unreasonable to have expectations of affection from your daughter and her rejection of you will only hurt. Take a step back and get professional support.

weatherall Sat 14-Jun-14 09:53:22

My first thought is aspergers.

DS is like this. He has hit me before. Hugging is out of the question.

OP do some reading up on aspergers in girls (it's subtly different between the sexes) and see if any more of it rings a bell.

Isetan Sat 14-Jun-14 10:06:40

Can we hold off on the Aspergers talk, there's not enough info here to make that leap just yet.

goshhhhhh Sat 14-Jun-14 11:31:52

My Dd is in yr7 - so is 12. We have had a great relationship & the last year has been hard. Things have been better recently & it has taken a bit to get there. There have been moments in the last year where I literally couldn't say anything right - telling her her eye makeup looked lovely caused ructions. And it is just me- with DH it is fine. She hasn't started her periods yet & there does seem to be some hormonal pattern to it.

It is normal for them to disconnect from you when hitting puberty (which is why I asked). I also think it is some kind of female to female thing which is why she has been better with DH. It has taken a lot of chatting in calmer moments & even some are you feeling cross but don't know why (my hypothesis is some form of pmt - & General teenagerness) & real clarity about what is and isn't acceptable & lots of ignoring the small stuff. I think it is all starting earlier. It is really hard - I've been in tears & I'm normally quite good at this stuff .

goshhhhhh Sat 14-Jun-14 11:35:37

So what I'm trying to say is you have my every sympathy! Try & remember you love her & keep at it. It foes get better, honestly. (& then it will probably get worse again ��)

MrsCripps Sat 14-Jun-14 11:47:18

After a week away from your parents for the first time its only natural that things will have "changed".

Mine were a mixture of weariness, happiness to be home and they grow up a little bit.

Kicking is completely out of order .
Once mine got to 10/11 then I found they preferred a bit of space physically. DD particularly was going through puberty and a bit irritable at times.
DS1 was always a cuddle hound and still is smile

You are approaching this by looking at your needs and not your DDs needs- wanting to leave is a massive overreaction imho.

Kicking is completely wrong though and I would discuss this with her and ask her why she did it.

KouignAmann Sat 14-Jun-14 12:02:34

My DD1 was like this (and still is sometimes even at 23!)
She would be angelic all day in school then come out and shout and hit and rage at me on the way home. I think it was a release after the effort of behaving at school. Then safe old mum appears and whoosh! all the angries come out. I used to arrive with a bun like a lion tamer grin and let her run around a bit at the park with her friends.
I think it helped to have a quiet chat about it when she was mellow like at bedtime when we were all cosied up reading or listening to music. And we spent some mum and DD time together shopping and doing stuff at weekends. but she is a very fierce person and she always out argues me because she is very clever. I have resorted to "you have to do X because I am your mum and I say so!" when I have lost an argument. I think she needed boundaries and I had to enforce them although by nature I hate confrontation and am very easy going.
The hardest part was when my marriage broke down and I moved out of the family home. She was very angry with me and adopted some of her EA DFs behaviour with me. This took a year or two to settle down but now we have a lovely adult relationship (although I still annoy her a lot just like my DM does me!!)
I do still find her harder to love than her siblings but she has strengths I admire hugely too.
It is okay not to like her behaviour very much sometimes!!

IWillYeah Sat 14-Jun-14 12:08:05

Sympathise.

My DS has Asperger's and his behaviour at times has driven me to walk out of the house in tears. I have had a few holidays away from my family over the years because i was at breaking point. Maybe you DO need a break?

Have YOU thought about some counselling? I have psychotherapy (for various reasons) but one upshot of it is that I find it much easier to deal with my own emotions around DS's issues/behaviour, and am better placed to deal with it all as a result.

On another note, I remember waiting at the school gates with my mum for my (then 8 yr old) sister to arrive back from a school journey. We had missed her so much. I ran up to her as she got off the coach and she pushed me in to the road and told me to 'shut up'. I think a combination of over-tiredness, embarrassment and anxiety got the better of her. I'm not excusing that behaviour, but some children are just overwhelmed by this sort of situation.

Hugs to you.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Jun-14 12:34:07

OP is there more to this or are you seriously suggesting leaving for the weekend based on this one incident?

Quitelikely Sat 14-Jun-14 12:48:56

I don't think you're thinking straight, with respect. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to leave your life because your child rejected a hug. My dd did not give me a hug after she returned from her trip. She was rather annoyed to be back with me but I took that as a sign all went well on the trip away.

This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong. Have you told her you're going? Did you ask why she kicked you?

NettleTea Sat 14-Jun-14 13:05:42

My DD is being assessed for ASD - she is 13 1/2 and has always been a bit 'tricky' but being very bright and confident in a small school any spectrum issues had been completely masked. Hormones kicking in often accentuate any ASD traits too

Wrapdress Sat 14-Jun-14 15:06:34

There is a great forum for parents of difficult kids called conduct disorders dot com. Some of the kids have a dx of some kind or another and some don't. It's helpful to talk to other parents who have BTDT. There is definitely a theme of "no touching" these kids. They don't like it and you don't want to force them to be touched. As mentioned above, The Explosive Child is a great book, too.

turnaroundbrighteyes Sat 14-Jun-14 15:27:14

The bit that she "should" accept a hug from you makes me wonder. Did she kick you in response to your hug or to make you let go after trying to pull away from your hug and you not letting her?

littlewhitebag Sat 14-Jun-14 16:41:18

My DD's are not huggers. I know they wouldn't like any public displays of affection and would never have tried to hug them after a trip away. They are better now they are 16 and 21 but still not overly big on hugging. Is there more to this than you have said on here?

LoisPuddingLane Sat 14-Jun-14 16:42:50

Kicking is unacceptable and needs to be handled, obviously. But do not EVER let her get wind of the fact that you are thinking, even if only in frustration, of leaving.

My mother was always leaving/threatening to leave (not because of me) and I still think everyone is going to leave me.

FindoGask Sat 14-Jun-14 17:35:53

"This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong."

Well, apart from kicking her mum when she tried to give her a hug, that is.

However, it is good to see some humane and thoughtful advice here, in amongst the usual staggering mumsnet obtuseness.

educationrocks1 Sun 15-Jun-14 12:56:25

"This is not about you. It's about your daughter"

This always makes me laugh when i see it on MN (used inappropriately) of course it's about her! it's about both of them.

and just for the record, she has done something wrong, you don't kick your mother or anybody for that matter, no matter how tired you are!

LondonForTheWeekend Sun 15-Jun-14 13:29:16

tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out

What is your thinking on how that would happen? You say elsewhere that your daughter has no respect for you, and if that is true then your husband can't change that. It has to be your actions and words which regain what has been lost.

This also stuck out for me:
DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now
Do you disagree with him? And in what way specifically: that there be no conciliation? that she must be made to ... Not sure what? or that you are beyond attempting to have a good relationship with her.

You seem very down but more than anything angry about it. Hopefully you are feeling more positive today.

getthefeckouttahere Sun 15-Jun-14 14:54:22

Trouble is Isitmeor, if that time out is too regular or too long.

DD has behaved utterly unacceptably and there has to be

1. Explanation of how and why that behaviour is unacceptable
2. A clear proportionate response to that unacceptable behaviour.

I firmly believe that these things need to happen almost immediately. Otherwise they believe that the behaviour is acceptable and by the time they are tackled and punished they actually come to believe that they are being victimised.

mummysaidno Sun 15-Jun-14 16:11:07

I feel for you, its hurtful when they act this way. My year 8 dd kicked back of car seat all the way home from school because shes ashamed of how I look, I was deeply hurt at the time. Us mums have to have rhino skin.

kaykayblue Sun 15-Jun-14 16:32:47

I think part of it is how you react to behaviour like that. If you accept it - even out of shock - then she will consider it to be acceptable. I would think the thing to do is to get angry at her for kicking you - which is NEVER acceptable - and tell her that you do NOT kick people, and ESPECIALLY not your own mother.

Yes people will stare at you both, but that will shame her into knowing that her behaviour isn't acceptable.

I hate to raise something so horrible, but could there be any sort of abuse going on that you are unaware of, and she is blaming you for?

turnaroundbrighteyes Sun 15-Jun-14 16:54:20

Am I the only one that thinks that IF dd had already tried to gently pull out of the hug and failed then kicking her was entirely appropriate. Indeed far preferrable to reconciling herself to the fact that she has to accept shows of affection from people she cares about (family, boyfriend, etc). Christ my DC were allowed to decide if they wanted kisses,hugs, etc from the age they could express their wishes - less than a year old!

Apologies to op if that isn't what happened....

unobtanium Sun 15-Jun-14 18:16:24

Kicking your mum -- totally unacceptable. She has been difficult for some time. It is entirely reasonable for you to want (NEED) some time away from this nastiness.

At 10, she can probably work it out for herself. You are the source of a lot of nice things for her, and she needs a taste of what it's like when you treat people like shit. Nice things are withdrawn because kicked mothers no longer feel like making an effort.

Sorry but she's 10. You are a real person with real feelings and she needs to realise this and learn how the world works.

Turnaround, I have a feeling you may be in a minority thinking that kicking one's mum, even in the circs you have "imagined", is OK. I don't see what's so terrible about receiving affection from your own mum. I don't think letting her know her reaction was unacceptable is in any way sending her the message that she has to put up with unwanted intimacies from all and sundry.

Assuming your OH can manage, I would take off! Treat yourself, and come back feeling better.

I am so sorry this has happened

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 15-Jun-14 18:41:17

"Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship."

"I have no idea why she is angry - she is well behaved at school and does well, she has been supported by DP and I in everything she does. "

Frankly, I think there is no point in psychoanalising too much. Your husband is trying to be "conciliatory" when she is rude to you??? really,, that's no time for conciliation, that's the time for mum and dad to present a united front and show her that neither of you will tolerate her disrespecting her mother.

By trying to "conciliate" your husband is handing a lot of power to her, you are not another child who she needs to play nicely with but her mother. How is she going to respect you if she thinks she is higher in the pecking order? Your husband is giving her a lot of power to rule the roost.

Why is she behaving badly at school and not at home? Because she knows the school won't put up with such behaviour.

I know that your husband is trying to be conciliatory to mantain a good relationship but the technique is not really working, is it? I think you should not go away but have some stern words with your husband.

MexicanSpringtime Sun 15-Jun-14 20:49:14

My dd became very difficult at that age, certainly didn't want any public shows of affection, in fact for a while she would not walk beside me on the street.

This is a very difficult age for them and it is definitely not cool to be seen to love your mother.

Kicking is not on and should be dealt with, but I'm afraid this is only the start.

FridayJones Mon 16-Jun-14 04:44:47

Are you more angry about the kick or about having been SEEN to not get a hug and get a kick instead?

I'd not be judging the child until I'd seen more detail of the "tried to hug".

For example , If she repeatedly said she didn't want a hug and was then enveloped in one anyway she may have just been trying to get away from an unwelcome physical touch. She should be allowed NOT to be touched. Even by her mother.

If you just opened your arms and she launched into you with her size 3's, it's a totally different matter and you may indeed have a problem on your hands.

You need to resolve this, and you could drive her away completely if you insist on your way or nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 07:39:26

I have more questions than answers here. Do you have other DCs and do they treat you normally? Is DH a supportive, loving and respectful husband or does he not take you seriously? Is there any sense that 'conciliatory' DH spoils DD, thinks you are too harsh, or that they gang up against you? Would she have kicked DH if he'd been the one to greet her? Did anyone like a teacher witness the outburst? Have you checked if all went well on the trip?

Going away is obviously not the answer. Imposing parental authority as a team with your DH has to be the way forward. Outlining expectations, setting out consequences to bad behaviour and following through. Wouldn't be paying for any fun trips in future put it that way.... hmm

MeMyselfAnd1 Mon 16-Jun-14 07:40:40

I really don't think that a kicking defense is justified when a mum just wanted to show how pleased she was of seeing her DD.

Yeah, she may have been embarrased about being hugged by her mother but does this justify for her to physically attack her mother? Isn't that the damned "she made me hit her" that so many abusers use?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-Jun-14 07:48:09

The child did not use 'you're invading my personal space' to justify the behaviour... they said the OP was 'embarrassing'. That's an expression of contempt and it's why I'd like to know how the OP is regarded in the family more generally. Is the DD picking up this contempt from someone else in the family and thinking it's normal?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 16-Jun-14 07:55:51

My ds is 13, he wouldn't hug me in public and wouldn't have when he was in year 6, I'm not sure any of his mates would tbh ESPECIALLY when they are shattered after a school trip and are all cocky and independent from being away. I can well imagine him pushing me away if I tried. It's a different matter when we are cuddled up on the sofa watching Tellywink

Don't leave, it'll make things a hundred times worse. Family counselling is an option but kids this age are a bundle of hormones and don't know what on earth to do with themselves half the time. Ds and I couldn't spend much time together last year but this year it's much better.

Try not to take her behaviour personally.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Jun-14 08:23:48

OP I have been waiting for you to come back to the thread, rather than just make guesses as to some of the questions raised here. I suppose you did go away for the weekend after all. How are things now?

toothgenie Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:57

This might not be helpful, but my DD started behaving out of character at home when she was being bullied at school. Perhaps something happened on the trip with the other children? Leading to her not wanting to hug you in front of them? I realised that my DD was behaving badly at home because it was the only place she felt 'safe' to take out her frustration.

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