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cheating, porn, recently married... do I stay or do I go?

(34 Posts)
pissedoffwife Sat 07-Jun-14 13:32:18

DH and I have been together for 5 years and have been married for 6 months.

A few months before we were married I discovered that he was chatting with a girl he'd met at a party on facebook - the fool left his fb tab open on our pc whilst chatting to her on his mobile from the toilet (where I thought he was taking a shit). I heard the chat alert sound whilst googling wedding related stuff and there it was, a slightly steamy interaction happening between the two of them. I was fuming and confronted him about it immediately... Turns out it hadn't been going on for about two weeks and the girl knew that he was engaged. We fought about it and I felt betrayed and angry even thought there as no physical contact.

I gave him the option to come clean about anything else he was hiding from me and he said there was nothing else. He lied. In the following few weeks I did some snooping (I didn't believe him) and it came to light that there he had been doing something similar with a colleague... he met her for a drink whilst I was away and invited her back to our place for another when the bar they were at was closing. He told me all this, although he claims nothing else happened between them.

It took me a few months to decide if I could forgive him and look past this behaviour, but I eventually decided to marry him.

Two months after we were married I caught him wanking off to porn on his phone in the bathroom late at night. During the fight that ensued he told me that he was addicted to porn and has been since he was a teen. He said he'd tried to kick the habit by avoiding it but he couldn't and needed help. I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me because now was the time and it emerged that he'd kissed a few other women when he went away for work before we got married. Never sex. He also met a women a couple of times for drinks when he went to another town but this didn't lead to anything else. In my opinion, this is cheating.

I was so angry that he'd let me marry him knowing that there were still so many secrets he'd hidden from me. In the following weeks I was deciding whether I could work through these issues with him and I found a great online programme designed to help people with his type of addiction.

Four months later and I'm still here but I'm not sure if my heart is in it. He is making major progress in dealing with the addiction but our relationship has changed... we bicker constantly about stupid things and I can't trust him. We recently had an argument that escalated to the point where he lost his temper and got physical. He didn't touch me but I was very afraid of him and although he has apologised for his behaviour I can't seem to forget it.

I am the main breadwinner so if I left him I would be financially stable, although I would probably have to return to my home country because of visa issues.

I love him.

What do I do?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 07-Jun-14 13:34:55

Come on. This is over, surely?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Jun-14 13:39:55

There's none so blind as cannot see... He's a liar, he's got a porn habit, he's aggressive and every time you give him another chance and another chance his respect for you goes down even further. Suggest you cut your losses.

KellyHopter Sat 07-Jun-14 13:40:13

He's not faithful. That's the bones of it.
You can't change him, so you're decision is whether you are willing to have an unfaithful husband. I can't imagine why you would unless the visa issue trumps everything else?
He's been consistently unfaithful, and will continue to be. You know it's highly unlikely he hasn't been shagging around, don't you?

AreYouFeelingLucky Sat 07-Jun-14 13:41:40

This is finished.

You can drag out the final scene, but it'll end all the same.

afluffylamb Sat 07-Jun-14 13:42:48

OP, I have sent you a DM with some information that I hope will help you with this.

Gen35 Sat 07-Jun-14 15:17:54

Yes run away op - why should you waste more of your life waiting for him to stop being a loser when he has this kind of history? Even if he has extensive therapy, I wouldn't want to wait around for the inevitable relapses anytime life gets hard.

foadmn Sat 07-Jun-14 15:31:41

got the feeling reading your op that you were pretty desperate to marry him - you'd invested years of your life in the relationship.

if you can break free, it might be a good idea to do so. it doesn't sound as if he's going to make you happy.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Jun-14 15:35:51

Divorce now. He is a serial liar and cheater and an addict.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Jun-14 15:36:52

Go home, too, this will get far, far worse.

Joysmum Sat 07-Jun-14 15:52:40

How many more times do you think you'd need to see his cheating lying ways before you'll be convinced? Because he's sure as hell not going to stop now, he's been caught and still doesn't stop, says it all really.

You keep asking if there's anything else he's hiding, and he keeps lying.

The things he's done are bad. But the total lack of respect for you and for the relationship would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

What future do you see with a man who thinks it's okay to pursue other women as long as he doesn't actually screw them? (Assuming that's not another of the things he hasn't quite got round to admitting yet...) Or with a man who gets physical enough to frighten you?

I can see that you didn't want to admit to yourself how much of your time you had wasted on a loser, and convinced yourself that being married would magically change things. It hasn't though, has it?

He's being an arse. He has had 5 years to grow into a decent human being, and hasn't done it.

I'd say it's really time to stop throwing away more time on someone who is just not going to change.

Get out now, he won't improve or change and by the sound of it there's potential for him to be violent towards you.

You can do it!

CookieDoughKid Sat 07-Jun-14 16:04:10

WILL NOT CHANGE....AT LEAST IN THE SHORT TO MEDIUM TERM. I've put this in capitals so that you really pay attention because the abuse you've suffered so far is completely unacceptable. It was unacceptable the FIRST time.

You are staying with him out of fear. This is not love. Not real love and consider this, should you leave him - thank the stars he hasn't ruined your future kids lives too.

SamanthaJones Sat 07-Jun-14 16:14:53

I agree with every one, leave him. ASAP

Butterflyspring Sat 07-Jun-14 16:20:40

I agree - run for the hills. And I would get sti testing too - sorry, but I bet he has taken it further and had sex with some of these women.

imgonnapay Sat 07-Jun-14 16:21:21

As long as you stay with him you will never have peace of mind you will end up insane every time he goes out, uses his phone its not worth it.

lulu1971 Sat 07-Jun-14 16:22:30

Oh god please read my thread and run for the hill as quickly as you can. He will never change and the problem will only escalate. Please don't end up like me.

Madlizzy Sat 07-Jun-14 16:24:48

He's not going to change. Leave him and get down to the GUM clinic to make sure he's not given you anything. He's cheated on you right from the beginning.

Needadvice5 Sat 07-Jun-14 16:27:50

I'm sorry you're going through all this, sounds like you've had a shocking few months.

Although you probably don't want to believe it, he's more than likely had sex with these other women and you really need to think about STI's.

Do you have DC together?

Your relationship is over regardless of how much you love him, hope you get some RL support and help.

KristinaM Sat 07-Jun-14 18:06:47

If you have lived in the UK for 5 years, why would you have to leave because of visa issues ?

I'm guessing you don't have children together ?

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing Sat 07-Jun-14 18:45:04

I'd say you can tell he's lying when his lips are moving. Utterly disrespectful. It's over - just make sure your contraception is watertight until you accept it.

Lweji Sat 07-Jun-14 18:51:11

He told you what he thought he could get away with.
He had sex with those other women.

Did you move countries because of him?

LatinForTelly Mon 09-Jun-14 12:35:56

Run and don't look back.

If it's like this whilst you have none of the pressures of children / work, it's going to get much worse. (You don't mention children; I'm assuming you don't have any.)

Jan45 Mon 09-Jun-14 12:44:15

I guarantee you sex has been involved in some of these scenarios, how many is there for god's sake?

Sorry OP there is no relationship, well if you call your husband going behind your back and cheating on a regular basis a marriage then so be it, it's not and you know it.

He now knows he can carry on and you'll still stick around, be prepared for more hurt and deceit, I don't see why he would even want to change.

Why both of you got married is an absolute mystery.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 09-Jun-14 12:45:15

You made a huge mistake marrying him when you knew what you did.

You don't need to make a second mistake in staying with him one day longer.

I never understand why people get treated like this and still say "but I love him" when there are loads of decent single guys who would never treat someone like this in a million years.

LadyNexus Mon 09-Jun-14 12:50:15

You really need to ask?

I'm sorry op this marriage was over before it even started.

The signs were all there.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Jun-14 12:52:53

Go, go go

Don't throw any more of your time, energy and emotion into this sunken ship

You shouldn't have married, but that is done now. Don't compound such a major mistake by hanging on to something that never existed.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Jun-14 12:54:27

Oh, and I agree that he has shagged at least some of these women.

Uptheanty Mon 09-Jun-14 12:58:23

You deserve so much more.

mrsspagbol Mon 09-Jun-14 13:40:11

Please leave. Please.

BeCool Mon 09-Jun-14 13:47:28

Why do you want to stick around for more OP?

Do you really believe he had all these kisses and flirtations etc and never slept with any of them? I don't know how you can believe a word he says.

Cut your losses before you invest any more of you life with this dickhead.

Jan45 Mon 09-Jun-14 13:51:56

OP, he has no moral compass, you clearly do, how long are you going to let him embarrass and humiliate you, believe me, people talk, this will not be new news for some.

You don't need him financially, emotionally he is crippling you, easy solution.

Uptheanty Mon 09-Jun-14 16:13:37

op

You've not returned since you posted, i can only assume that you are unhappy with the replies you've received.

Do you have rl support?

If not family, any friends you can confide in?

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