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Separation after his affair and awful behaviour

(37 Posts)
Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 21:39:23

I started a thread after finding out that my H was having an affair and received amazing support and advice here. I'm on my phone but will attempt to link to it below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2049159-Just-found-out-about-DHs-affair?pg=1&order=

In brief: we've been together 7 years, have 3 young children one of whom is only 3 months old. About a month ago I discovered H's affair with a colleague and he left. He returned after a few days and we decided to make a go of the marriage. The affair had started when our youngest was a week old apparently and during this time H had treated me appallingly, lying, disappearing and saying some very blunt and cruel things.

When he came home he promised we would try and work on our marriage which admittedly had been stuck in a rut. I have been trying but he has made no efforts at all. Tonight after working late he sent a text to say he was going out drinking and staying with a friend. He has ignored all my calls and texts since.

I have had enough. I deserve better and the children deserve better. The oldest has been very upset by the whole situation as he has seen his dad leave several times. Does anyone have any advice as to what I do now? If he tries to come to the house tomorrow can I stop him (I'm thinking I can't)? How do I best protect my children from this?

There is a lot more to the story but I don't want this post to go on forever. Thanks for reading.

Pinkballoon Mon 12-May-14 21:57:39

I had all of this with my ex - all the coming and going, disappearing acts etc. In the end, I had to call time. It was upsetting everyone (apart from him.)

The fact that he was cheating on you so soon after the birth says it all (had the same treatment.) They rarely change.

The only thing that worked temporarily with my one was to start laying down the law, for example, text: "If you are not home by 8pm tonight, I will be locking the front door." Believe me, this worked, he was early that night!

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 22:09:41

Thanks pink. I don't recognise him as the person I married any more. I don't think I can carry on with him after tonight. Disappearing and not answering my calls is the final straw and certainly not the behaviour of someone working on a marriage.

I feel very fearful of what is to come. I want the children to have a relationship with their dad but I just can't see him looking after all three of them at once. Certainly not the youngest. He's not bonded with him at all, never changed a nappy or held him for more than 5 minutes. Last night I asked him to hold him whilst I cooked the tea. I heard the baby crying so walked in only to hear H saying "shut the fuck up" to the baby (in front of our other children). Just can't imagine handing my baby over to that, although he is ebf at the moment so I guess it won't be for a while anyway.

Stampingmyfeet Mon 12-May-14 22:19:37

Shocked I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it must be exhausting on every level. He needs to go. He's not a partner in any sense and he sounds like an (at best) inadequate parent. If I heard the kids' father speak to our kids like that, I would be seriously reconsidering whether he should be around them unsupervised. Your lives will definitely be enhanced by his absence.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 22:28:52

You are right, it's not a partnership and frankly never has been. I think my view of what is normal in a relationship has been skewed completely by him. He really does nothing with our children and I feel ashamed that I've exposed them to this poor example of a marriage for even this long.

Having said that he is their father and they deserve a good relationship with him. I just feel so uneasy about him looking after them alone. But I have no real evidence of harm, he's just rubbish with them, puts no effort in, shouts at the oldest a lot. I'd be scared the baby would cry a lot and he might snap and hurt him. Or do I think that because I'm so angry with him? I don't know, aaargh! I think that's why I tried to make the marriage work, to protect them in a way from him?

I don't think you deserve to be treated this way. I know that's a blindingly obvious thing to say but I wanted to add my voice to that opinion.

EverythingCounts Mon 12-May-14 22:44:41

They do deserve a good relationship with him, but only he can provide that, and even more they deserve not to be hurt and upset by him.

Do you think he would actually push to have lots of time with them? It doesn't sound from what you've posted that he would, unless you think he'd press for time with them just to fuck with your head. Even so, I have read stories on here where someone's partner has threatened to go for residency or 50/50 but ultimately doesn't actually want it so it all gets dropped.

EverythingCounts Mon 12-May-14 22:45:45

Is the house rented or is there a mortgage and whose name(s) are on it?

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 22:48:01

Thank you, I know I deserve better and I'm not a bad person. But why is it so hard to let go? I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one morning and this will all have been a bad dream.

I need to remember all the awful things he's done so I have the strength to finish it:
Started an affair when our baby was a week old.
Lied and made me feel like I was going mad.
Put me and the ebf baby at risk via STIs.
Disengaged from the children and said he wished we'd never had them.
Told the baby to shut the fuck up.
Left three times, distressing our oldest child and leaving me to pick up the pieces.
Left cannabis in a drawer the kids could access.
Told me I don't make enough of my self like the OW does.
Said he didn't want overnights with the kids because he doesn't want them taking up his whole weekend.
Spent family money on meals and hotels with OW.

There's probably more but that really should be enough. Why do I even care about him anymore?

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 22:50:14

X post! We are married and have a mortgaged house which both of our names are on. I'm worried about finances too as I normally work part time and look after the children whilst he worked full time. On mat leave at the moment too.

Stampingmyfeet Mon 12-May-14 22:57:02

Is he employed or self employed? If he's employed he will assessed for maintenance based on his earnings. CSA calculator will tell you how much. Plus you'll get tax credits as a single parent. Go to entitledto website to check.

He sounds like a mess and you'll will be able to make a happier, more tranquil space without him. There's nothing more lonely than being in an utterly miserable relationship with a (insert two very bad swearwords of your choice). X

Timeandtune Mon 12-May-14 22:57:27

I think what I would try to do in your situation is take each day as it comes and say to yourself "I will cross that bridge when I come to it" Easy to say but not so easy to do.

I would go back to basics and look after yourself first and foremost. Now is the time to call on all your RL supports. You need to eat and sleep.

I think you need clear boundaries with your H and give yourself time to deal with the shock.

You can build a better life for you and the children

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 23:16:56

Thank you for the support. I need to stay positive, the last couple of months have been so draining. I'm so angry that I've been dealing with all this when I should have been enjoying this special time with my new baby.

I can't seem to sleep now. I'm wondering if he's with the OW or with a friend like he said. I wish he'd disappear and never come back. I could give our children a fantastic life; I love then more than anything. They shouldn't have to put up with his crap. What kind of father wishes his children had never been born and thinks overnight contact will impact too much on his social life? I just want to keep them safe with me where they're loved.

I know he'll want to see them though, if nothing else because not doing will make him look bad to his friends and family. He used to really love our eldest, I remember them being close, but since the affair it's all changed.

Rambling now....

Scornedwoman67 Mon 12-May-14 23:39:28

shocked just here to listen & hand-hold. I have been there & I can promise you that a future without him will be infinitely more peaceful and stress-free. I also found I developed a fantastic relationship with both my DC's & we grew in to a lovely happy little family unit. He is a self-absorbed pillock. Read the threads on here & follow the really good advice re finance and practical issues.
I promise you will look back and be so happy you kicked his cheating backside in to touch x

Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 23:48:39

Thanks scorned, and I'm sorry to hear you've been through something similar. It is good to hear that people come out the other side happier. I'm scared of being alone I think. Both the practical side of things and feeling lonely on a day to day basis.

AnyFucker Mon 12-May-14 23:52:00

God, he sounds utterly awful

Please don't put your children through any more of this. You cannot control what he does, but you can limit the awful example of what is supposed to constitute a loving relationship

See a solicitor and get the ball rolling for divorce. Everything will fall into place, it always does. People get divorced every day, often for much more trivial reasons than this and they are also perfectly justified

You have to stop trying or your self respect will never survive it and that is not good for kids to be witnessing on a daily basis

here is a good place to start

Scornedwoman67 Mon 12-May-14 23:52:46

I totally understand- I was the same. But in reality you are already doing it all & I know I felt terribly lonely even when he still lived with us - because emotionally he'd already gone. You will amaze yourself with how you cope. Hopefully you have some really good friends who can offer support too. You will be fine. I'm the living proof!

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 00:06:13

He's not with a friend he's with OW, you know this. Your marriage is completely dead. He's not working on it, he has completely checked out. There is nothing here for YOU or your children anymore. Fuck him!

Now you have to get cold. I would throw him the fuck out, legal or not and when he kicked off I would call the police. You cannot expose your children or yourself to this toxic disaster any longer. He's hurting your dc and he doesn't care. Would you let a stranger speak to your children or frighten them like that? Why does he get to?

Please end this. I know it sounds easy to say from my end but your marriage sounds just like mine was and I managed to end it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done for all sorts of reasons, mainly that he thought he could behave like that and still continue to live in the family home. You CAN do this.

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 00:08:59

Don't be scared of being alone, you'll be happier and more at peace within weeks and you may well reach a point where you feel content with being alone and can't imagine ever having to deal with someone else's foibles again. I know that's how it went for me.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 00:10:54

When he is telling a baby to shut the fuck up in earshot of his other kids, he has to go. No other spin to put on it. Any loneliness you might feel will be transitory, but the damage done to kids by a disengaged and hateful father is lifelong. Come on now.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 00:19:04

Thank you for the link AnyFucker and scorned for your positive words. When I describe the situation he does sound absolutely awful but somehow he seems to convince himself (and me) that he is some sort of martyr who stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids and now deserves to be happy. They say there's two sides to every story but I can't see what I've done to deserve all of this. My main crime it seems was neglecting him in favour of our children.

I sound like such a pathetic sap, in real life I am honestly a reasonably intelligent woman! It's very therapeutic to get this out. I am always grateful to the lovely people on here who listen and give up their time to reply.

My H always says that most people are arseholes who only care about themselves but really he is just describing himself! No wonder he has virtually no friends. I'm normally such a positive person, I feel like he has really messed with my head these past few months. I don't want my children to pick up on his nasty negative outlook on life. If he hasn't decided to leave himself tonight then I need to ask him to go.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 00:25:37

X posts, you are all right. I have been thinking too much of myself and not the children. Trying to convince myself that staying together was better for them. I have somehow normalised him swearing at our baby and that is disgusting (we're not talking dad swearing at baby after hours of colicky crying and stress; it was literally less than 5 minutes of him crying). Maybe I just don't want to believe I could have made such a terrible choice in a partner. I don't even remember if he's always been like this or it's been a gradual decline.

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 00:33:52

I'm not saying you're thinking too much of yourself at all, I promise. I think you think you're doing the right thing by keeping your family together, I think you are terrified of the upheaval so trying to avoid but all you're doing is prolonging it. I was exactly the same. The day he attacked me in front of my 5 year old who tried to protect me sad was the day I came to my senses.

Get cold and hard now. Astound him with how tough you will be. Get Him Out and away from you and your dc. You can do this. I would tell him don't bother coming home I am ending this. Do not say another word to him after that and then tell everyone, the parents and relatives etc, don't cover up his disgusting behaviour, get the support you need.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 00:56:29

Thank you Nicki and so sorry that you and your children have been through something similar. I suppose I am also worried that H will want more contact with the children as time goes on, including overnights, and I will be worried about how he is treating them. How have you coped with this? I just want to protect them. Any attempts by me to limit/supervise contact will be seen by him as me using the children to get back at him for having an affair. Ironically he thinks he's a good dad! Having spent time with friends and their husbands I now realise just how lacking he is.

Despite all this the children (well the oldest anyway) love him and will be desperate to spend time with him. They know nothing else so hearing dad swear at the baby is sadly not shocking to them.

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 01:14:52

My ex has had my dc over night exactly twice, in over four years of being separated. He took my ds away with in laws for three days but that was fine because MIL was there and I trust her with my dc completely.

I rather suspect that your situation will be similar. He doesn't sound like a man who would want the hard work of having his small dc alone without you doing all the hard work, his reaction to his baby shows that! Oh he will make all sorts of noises about 50/50 blah blah blah but he won't do it. He's not a good involved father now, why would he suddenly start once you've split? My ex threatened to take off with my dc to Spain hmm. I told his Mum how scared I was and she said quite categorically "that won't happen because it's too much hard work for him".

He's already telling you he doesn't want them overnight eating into his weekends, knob! Get legal advice too but I am pretty sure you won't need it unless to FORCE him to keep a contact arrangement. This man has totally disengaged from you and your dc, he certainly won't be wanting your small hard work baby alone and will look for any excuse not to, I would put money on it.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 03:45:47

Op, listen to Nicki

He is not a good dad, he is a selfish one (at best)

When you split, after an initial flurry and whining about seeing his kids, watch him fade away

They will cramp his pulling power, see, which was nicely taken care of when he had you to do all the childcare while he shagged around

Give him the responsibility....he won't want it

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 05:12:40

He sounds vile.

The empowerment you feel when you put a stop to this will be greater than the sadness you feel.

You CANNOT let this man continue to disrespect you and his dc any more. Whenever you feel doubtful please re-read this thread. You've said it all here, and you sound so sure.

Please, please remember how young your baby is. My relationship (not dissimilar sounding to yours) finally ended when dd2 was 7/8 months. She's 23 months now- it's so much easier. When it first happened I just couldn't believe we were splitting when she was so young, couldn't believe he was treating me that way with a baby. Further down the line I don't feel that we should be together because of the dc- I feel it's better that they're out of it. Not having one parent treat the other with total contempt and disrespect.

How are you feeling today? Are you planning on seeing a solicitor? What's your next move do you think?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 05:16:41

Oh, also...fwiw, I didn't try to explain to him why I wanted it to end. I didnt get into arguments or trying to explain how him lying etc made me feel. I'm sure you've said it all a million times. I tried to give it a go with my ex like you have with your h. When I finally realised he wasn't trying at all I decided I wouldn't get into discussions again to hear all the same empty promises or to be blamed got his piss poor behaviour. I kept repeating I'd had enough and that was as far as it went. You don't need to justify your decision. Don't listen to anymore if his bullshit.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 06:46:14

Feeling anxious this morning. H never replied to my calls or message so no idea if he plans to return home after work. What can I do if I tell him I've had enough and he refuses to leave? He has nowhere to go for more than a night or two as far as I know.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 06:59:43

Start divorce proceedings. That may seem like a big leap atm, but if he refuses to leave the issue will be forced eventually.
And in the meantime, you will both know where you stand.
Otherwise, carry on in this awful no mans land.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 08:09:28

I had the same thing for a while, it is truly no mans land. Make a 'sanctuary' in your bedroom or the spare room. Once the kids are in bed, if he insists on being around, take yourself off for a bath. Then settle down in your room, bit if tv, read, phone a mate. I spent a few months doing this. In the end it was as if I was in the house Alone to be honest. Don't do his washing, cooking, shopping.

Do this BUT as AF said you must start the ball rolling. Stay strong, stay focused.

Don't try to contact him again today. It's giving him the chance to ignore you. Just expect him to walk through the door. If he doesn't then it's a bonus.

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 09:10:22

Tbh best case scenario is he doesn't come back. That sounds harsh but it will make it SO much easier for you. You may not think it now but it's true. Mine simply wouldn't leave but carried on behaving how he pleased.

Let his stupid OW have him, what a prize she's got!

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 09:11:22

If he does, simply say "I have contacted a solicitor, it would be easier if you just went but either way it's over."

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 14:01:01

Are you ok OP?

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 14:41:56

I'm ok thank you. Trying to carry on as normal with the children. Feeling anxious and upset but not really how you would imagine if your marriage was breaking up. More anxious about a big change in circumstances and financial worries. I think he may finally have killed off all feelings I had left for him.

I've not heard from him yet. I could easily go all week without saying anything to our oldest child as for the past few months he's left for work before he woke and returned after he was in bed the vast majority of the time. At least then I can find out if H intends to be difficult about leaving the house and break the news to the DC in the right way.

anewstart15 Tue 13-May-14 20:11:41

Hope you are OK.Did your H come home?

Pinkballoon Tue 13-May-14 21:24:43

Shockedandbrokenhearted
I think your list says it all. And saying that to the baby was unforgivable. Yes, we've all felt at the end of our tether, but no need for that. He could have just put the baby safely in the cot and gone and stood outside the room to breathe and collect his thoughts. I suspect that the anger also came from his frustration at the whole situation (OW etc.)

The inning and outing will wear you and the children down. I had it for so long - he'd come back, all fine, disappear for a few days, come back in a strange mood, on and on and on, until I said no more. They will do it for as long as they think that they can get away with it. I'm on my own now, but at least I know where I stand! smile

As another poster suggested, do the CSA calculator plus the Tax Credits one. Also Child Benefit, if you aren't currently receiving it. And 25% off Council Tax. If you don't return to work and go onto benefits, then it would be Income Support, Housing Benefit (Mortgage Interest paid after qualifying period), Council Tax Benefit etc.

In terms of the meals and hotels he paid for for the OW out of joint money, as I understand it, if you go to court for a financial settlement, you are entitled to the same amount. So, perhaps scrutinise all statements (bank a/c and credit cards) to get a total amount.

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