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Married but think I'm gay

(150 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 16:56:56

Happily married for almost 10 years, I have 3 DC. Dh is my best friend and we get along great (most of the time! Same as any married couple)

A bit of history.. I lost my virginity to a female friend in college and we dated for a while. After we broke up I dated a (rather annoying) guy for 2 weeks and had my first sexual experience with a man..
A while later, just before turning 18 I got together with a female friend I had a major crush on and we dated for about 2.5 years, we lived together at uni too..

All this time I hid my lesbian relationships from my parents. They suspected at times and asked questions, I always adamantly denied it as I felt their disapproval and was terrified to tell the truth.

I had thought we would be 'life partners' and be together forever.. In the end I couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding it all and kind of sabotaged my relationship with my girlfriend by cheating with my ex gf. She forgave me but I still had the guilt so called it off anyway.

I went home and cried for a long time. I just couldn't do it.

After that I had a period of self destruction where I had lots of one night stands with men and short relationships.

I couldn't deal with the apparently gay side of me and even rang the Samaritans on one occasion, feeling suicidal.

It was around this time I think I consciously or maybe semi subconsciously made a decision I wasn't going to date women anymore. I was just going to be with men, a lot simpler and I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought of me.

Before dating anyone though, I decided to be by myself for a while to get to know me without any distractions.

About 6 months later I went out for a drink with friends and had a great time with one particular friend of a friend. He is now my husband, we got together that night, I have never felt so safe and at home in a mans arms before.
He was kind, funny, attentive, a lovely guy.

Fast forward to now. I struggle with our sex life, libido is infrequent.. Has been from the start really (apart from the first few months, honeymoon period and all that). I have bouts of depression and wondering whether I belong in this life.

I have barely thought about women at all up until very recently. I seem to have come to a sudden realisation that I do like/miss women and that I've been burying that deep inside and ignoring it all this timeconfused

Incidentally, I have no contact with my (toxic) parents these days.

Sometimes when I get a moment to myself (not very often!) I think of myself back then and have a little cry. I wonder what life would have been like if I had been brave enough to choose that path.

Now I feel as if I just have to carry on as I am. Too many people to get hurt. Helps to say it out loud to someone though.

Please excuse any typos, on my phone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 17:05:08

It's not too late to be honest. Of course it would hurt others if you did so, but the status quo doesn't sound like it is especially making anyone happy. Doesn't a 'kind, funny, attentive, lovely guy' deserve some respect in the form of the truth and the chance to decide what to do with it?

FWIW I've known three men, all married, all with children, all come out as gay subsequently. In only one of the three cases was it acrimonious. In the other two, although there was short-term upset, they remained very good friends with their ex spouses and their children.

Agree it's not too late

The person you're hurting most is yourself sad

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 17:10:20

Oh Laurie, you've made me cry.. Must dry tears before he gets home..
Back soon, can't post whilst he's around x

Rebecca2014 Mon 12-May-14 17:56:57

You said in ten years you have only just started thinking about women, could it be your bored maybe and are just fantasying about the old days?

You need to think if you really want to be with just women or there is another reason why you are feeling this way and can it be fixed.

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 18:54:18

Rebecca - I don't think I'm fantasising as such. I just keep thinking that deep inside, if I'm really honest with myself, I preferred being with women..

I constantly have to try and talk myself in to the idea of sex and it's been like that for most of our relationship. I never felt like that with women, I always felt interested iyswim.

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 18:58:01

Cogito - yes, my dh does deserve the chance but I honestly am worried if I ever revealed these feelings, it would ruin his life. He has said several times that even if I died in some sort of tragic accident for instance, he would never remarry, I am the only one for him, wants to be with me forever etc sad

In a lot of ways, I want to be with him forever too. We have lots of dreams and plans together and get on great, have a good laugh etc. I just worry about the sex part.. I don't know if I'll ever manage do that as frequently as I think he'd like. He never pressures or pesters. As I say, lovely guy.

Bigredstapler Mon 12-May-14 19:01:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 19:30:21

Thanks BigRed will do..

saturnine Mon 12-May-14 20:02:51

Do you have any attraction to him at all or men in general? I'm in a similar situation together more than 10 years, 2 children but I'm 90 percent sure in gay physically I'm only attracted to women sadly I didn't realise this until my mid 20s and tbh I'm still coming to terms with it. I believe though if you love your husband as I do mine why end a good relationship? There's so much more to a marriage than sex. If you ever want a chat feel free to pm me

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 20:28:19

Saturnine - I do find certain qualities about him attractive, yes. Over all he's attractive to me as a person because he's so great iyswim. I was mainly attracted to his sense of humour when we met. I have had crushes on men and women..

I agree that there's more to marriage than sex. Is happily go the rest of my marriage without sex though if I'm honest and I don't feel that's fair on him. So I carry on having sex when I feel in the mood. The mood doesn't strike me very often. I get closeness out of it and enjoy spending the time together if that makes sense. I'm not repulsed cause I love him as a person.

I don't want to end our relationship and blow everyone's life apartsad For what? Sex with a woman isn't the main thing on my agenda.
Hard to explain. I just feel that how I started out was 'me' and that I'm hiding that now.

kittycat5 Mon 12-May-14 20:33:30

I have had relationships with both women (lived with woman for 10 years) and with men (married twice) for me it is the person I am with rather than their gender...I wonder if there is something else missing in your marriage? Something else which is a problem? But in any case I am so sorry that you are struggling.

saturnine Mon 12-May-14 21:01:24

I can relate to that, I find qualities of my dh attractive but not him sexually I'm not attracted to any man although I was in my teens I'm still baffled by that one. For me though I'm still happy to have sex because I love him and well it's him but fantasy has to play a large part of it, there definitely is a connection missing for me. I try to tell myself its the person not the gender but that Just wouldn't be true its like apples and oranges I feel like I'm meant to be with a woman like that's my role. Like you though I can't bear to blow our world's apart we have built a life together, we love each other we have a family a lot to throw away because of a nagging feeling. Anyway Sorry I'm rambling. I'm sure its harder for you as you have had previous relationships with women and I haven't but deep down you just know where your place should be.

Filg Mon 12-May-14 21:44:17

There used to be threads called 'Turning Tavern' on here. I was on one under a different name some time back, women in similar situations. Some who left marriages, some who stayed.

Op: I think the question about what else is missing in your marriage is very valid and worthy of exploration. Have you considered counselling to talk your feelings through.

Saturnine: you say you realised you were attracted to women in your 20's was that before or after you got married? I am genuinely curious as I got married knowing I was bi and having had relationships with men and women. I was married (to a man) mid 20's to mid 30's and since my divorce have identified more as gay/lesbian and dated women. Ex H knew about my sexuality and it was no problem I was happy and monogamous with him. He left me in the end. I think I would prefer a Ltr with a woman now but am not wholly repelled at the idea of a man. Although I have always enjoyed sex with a woman far more!

saturnine Mon 12-May-14 23:28:37

Filg - i was married before I realised, been married almost 5 years. I'm almost 30 now. The realisation was a huge shock tbh sort of a light bulb moment out of the blue although looking back now I can see so many signs were there its not like I was living a lie I generally didn't click I had no inclination at all but when I did I now wonder how I couldn't have know because tbh these days I feel so gay! However because im married I class myself as bi. Dh knows, he struggles with it and I fear he'll leave me over it one day, its difficult for both of us.

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 23:29:36

Saturnine - I think that's kind of it. Deep down I just know that I feel most comfortable with a woman, that that's what comes more naturally to me.

It is a valid question to ask what's missing in my relationship but I don't think there is anything major missing.

I mean, if it is the case that I'm just gay and have been denying it to myself, even the most perfect man isn't going to be 'enough' for me, is he?

SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 23:36:22

Saturnine - it feels a bit like a light bulb moment for me right now.. I know it sounds silly saying that as I dates women before. The thing is, I genuinely convinced myself that I just wasn't interested in women anymore and then I just 'forgot' about the old me and got on with my 'new' life.
I kept having moments of feeling lost in my relationship and wanting out over the years but I always tried to convince myself it was a problem with dh and that we'd rushed in to marriage. It would then blow over and I would be happy again. It never occurred to me that I was maybe not feeling 'right' because I was in denial and perhaps lying to myself.

The thing that seems to have awoken my brain was that I had to fill in a job application. In the application I was asked for my sexuality. I honestly didn't know what to put which surprised me a bit as I thought I was 'over' my lesbian days. I thought for a while then decided it was silly to ignore a whole section of my life and ticked bisexual.

After that I keep thinking about it and more and more things are coming to the forefront of my mind. Suddenly I can't ignore the thoughts as well as I had been...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 08:00:21

Sounds to me that you settled for a hetero married life as a safe haven from the disapproval of family (and the resulting stress of acute self-hatred). You're actually not alone. A lot of people, in response to a traumatic time of their lives, do the same thing. An extreme type of rebound, if you like. The trauma doesn't have to be sexual... they may be escaping from domestic violence, bereavement or have experienced MH issues, for example... and they seek safety with someone who, once the trauma has passed, they discover is a good friend or protector but not what they actually want in a partner.

Living in denial - or ongoing cognitive dissonance which may be more accurate - risks increasing dissatisfaction, possibly resentment, mental stress or worse, and your poor partner is going to have no clue what's going on. So your choices are that you either maintain the status quo keep quiet, find a harmless outlet for suppressed gay feelings and commit to your marriage, or you have an honest conversation with your husband and deal with the consequences.

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 13-May-14 08:26:14

Did your DH know that you'd had lesbian relationships before he came along or would this come completely out of the blue to the poor bloke?

saturnine Tue 13-May-14 10:16:19

Suddenrealisation - Its strange how your brain can shut off such a large part of you for so long, I have been with my dh since I was 16 so really there was no time for realising I might have been anything other than straight. I had crushes on boys as a child and even though I found female celebrities attractive I thought that was the norm. The years on from that I actually had an intense hate for women I put that down to low self esteem and jealousy looking back it was obviously fear. My light bulb moment was in my mid 20s another woman I know saying about another 'wow she's really hot' and I suddenly clicked that what I was feeling wasn't jealousy or admiration but attraction after that it was like the flood gates opened for me ever since I've tried to keep a control on it, initially I only seen the attraction in celebrities so that was ok over time that moved onto real women but I could ignore the physical right, then I fell for a friend and it became clear I wasn't straight the more I accepted myself the more obvious it became. I had certainly never meant to deceive dh in anyway I just didn't know.

Looking back lots of signs were there but my brain clearly didn't register, I love my dh and our family to the ends of the earth they are all I know but there's definitely an emptiness a role I feel like im meant to have but my head tells me how can you break up a happy family, a loving marriage on the off chance you might meet someone who fills that gap. I cant imagine life without my dh so its hard to know where to go from here....

Filg Tue 13-May-14 10:44:36

Saturnine when you say you fell for a friend did you have a relationship with her or is she someone you just admired and felt a connection with. I think it can be easy in a long, settled relationship to feel something for someone new and exciting and perceive that as something more significant than it could be. I felt strongly for the friend who supported me through my marriage breakdown, thought I was truly in (in requited) love and became quite obsessed. Only with hindsight can I see she was my emotional crutch after my H left and filled a void - it wasn't really about her, it was about me wanting to feel valued again.

Filg Tue 13-May-14 10:45:12

I meant unrequited love.

saturnine Tue 13-May-14 11:00:43

Filg - no we didn't have a relationship as I am with dh but otherwise I would of wanted one, emotionally we were more than friends, physically I wanted to be more than I ever have In my life the feeling was mutual so the friendship couldn't continue. I thought my feelings for women could be purely physical id only ever felt drawn to the idea of a relationship with a man maybe because society says that's the way it should be I don't know, until her then I knew it could be much more. I understand what you mean about a long relationship its easy to feel drawn elsewhere for something more exciting but I honestly cant imagine wanting to be with another man ever again. I look at attractive men and feel nothing, like looking at a nice painting its nice to look at but it doesn't stir anything up like it seems to for other women, im not repulsed by men either though I can play the part quite easily but I feel like im missing something if that makes sense.

TheWanderingUterus Tue 13-May-14 11:16:01

It's not too late.

My mother left my father for another woman about ten years ago. She fell in love. As children my brother and I knew my parents weren't entirely happy, my mother in particular.

FWIW we have all embraced my mother's partner, she was in the front row of my wedding (she did my wedding makeup too), she was there in the room with my mother when my son was born, she was the third person to hold him. My children consider her a grandmother and her children are like cousins to me. Even my very traditional PIL accepted it quickly. My father remarried to someone who makes him happy.

But the best thing for me is that my mother is happy, she is content in herself.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 12:02:05

Cognito - I have gmread about co genitive dissonance before. I think you might be right.
I can only see this looking back but I think I was determined to convince myself I was straight and the lesbian thing was just a phase..

NotNew- Yes, as we were at uni together my dh knows all about my ex girlfriends. He has met them as I still lived with the long term on when we got together (we had broken up ages before but shared a student flat with others).

Even though he knows about it I kind of play it down. I never mention having feelings for women and I just refer to my ex's as if that was all in the past and isn't who I necessarily am now iyswim. I think from his point of view, he thinks I'm not really bothered about women anymore so it's not an issue.

He does know I 'have a thing' for Winona Ryder as I told him once years ago. He also knows I put bisexual on my job app last month. I said at the time though that I put that as it was part of my life at one point so technically I am bi.

In my own head I don't know if I'm bi or gay. It's all so confusing. I know that my first experiences were with girls/ women. My friend and I used to act out scenes from films and Eskimo kiss when we were 8.. Seemed natural to me told her big sis told us it was bad and we shouldn't do it and mentioned lesbians. Till then I never knew what a lesbian was or that it was 'wrong'.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 12:03:50

Saturnine - I feel exactly the same about splitting up a family for such a 'small' reason. I don't mean that our feelings are small, just that, in the grand scheme of things, I'd choose my husbands happiness, and my children's happiness over what is essentially my sex life. Hell, I barely have time for sex with 3 DC, even if I did want it.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 12:05:33

TheWandering - thank you for the positive story.. At the moment it just seems to impossible and surreal to imagine anything other than my current life though..

Mangostiltskin Tue 13-May-14 12:29:32

A year ago I was considering my marriage after falling for and (very stupidly) embarking on a short affair with a gay woman I met through my sports team. I had no inkling I was not straight prior to meeting her but I have never felt so strongly - physically and emotionally - about anyone, It was my lightbulb moment and awakened me to the issues in my relationship with DH and much about my own sense of who I am kicked in. I realised I am gay. Don't know if I always have been but I no longer feel attracted to the idea of being physically involved with a man and sex life with DH had waned over the years and I hadn't really missed it.

The 'OW' is no longer in my life but I decided I could not go on in my marriage. I opened up to my DH and told him all. We went to see a family counsellor to discuss how to navigate our separation and talk through feelings we had about the marriage. I do regret having had an affair and hurting my DH but we've managed to move past that and the family home is on the market, we're alternating weekends with the DC's, he has a new DP and despite the complications and upheaval my life is mentally much more straightforward and I think DH and I are on the way to both being much happier. The DC's have taken it all in their stride.

I hope one day my DC will be on here posting as WanderingUterus did to say how accepting they are and how they've appreciated having a happy set of parents.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 12:58:12

How are you choosing your husband's happiness by deciding you're not going to have a sex life?

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:25:42

Sorry cogito, I meant that myself having sex with women was not as important as their happiness..

I do have a sex life at the moment, just not a very frequent one. On average maybe 1-3 times a month. Don't think we managed at all this monthhmm

I keep trying, I try to relax and get in the mood. I'm mug more able to do this of I've had a drink.. If I'm sober I sometime start then get a kind of mental block and don't always want to continue..

My dh knows my libido is very up and down and he respects that but I really feel I'm failing him in that areasad I know he'd prefer a few times a week although there's never any pressure.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:28:00

Mango - thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like it's worked out real all well smile

I feel like there's no way I can change my situation. Every time I even think about it, it just seems to complicated and painful all round. Not to mention financially impossible.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:28:28

Really well*

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 13:33:13

Do you think your DH is happy that the only way you can sleep with him is if you're a bit pissed? He is clearly a kind man but it can't do anything for his self-esteem.

Elfhame Tue 13-May-14 13:35:26

You don't mention any children, do you have kids OP? If not, it sounds like you are staying in a 'safe' relationship, rather than making yourself happy. He would probably find happiness with someone else after the initial hurt. It's only fair to want a good sex life - for the both of you. I really think you should be honest before you come to resent each other. At least then you could stay friends and maintain the emotional connection you both have.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:40:17

Cognito - no I don't think it does anything for his self esteem although I don't think he's noticed a definite connection between drink and sex iyswim? I reassure him that I love him and find him attractive a lot..

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:41:04

Elf, we have 3 DC under 6. I can't change their world, they're so happy sad

struggling100 Tue 13-May-14 13:45:14

I am going to post personally on this one, just to put an idea 'out there', rather than to offer 'advice' (which would kind of assume that I was being more directive about it).

What if sexuality and gender, for a lot of people, aren't one way or another way - but more about place, context, circumstances, people? (I'm absolutely not saying there aren't people who are definitely heterosexual and definitely homosexual, just asking - what if, for some of us, there is a grey area in between). For those people, there may not be a definitive 'right' answer to this question, and the notion that one has to 'be' a certain way for all time is actually a damaging one. I think I probably fall into this camp.

I also think that concerns about sexuality can proxy for other problems with sex (hell, show me a longstanding couple of any sexuality who haven't faced some libido issues/mismatch at some point. Some couples would consider 1-3 times a month quite a bit of sex, for others it would be way too little). It's important to think about this carefully to separate out sexuality and sex. However - and I can't emphasize this enough - the thinking about this has to be done without the pressure of social disapproval, with the ability to explore all possibilities freely. That's really important.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 13:55:34

Struggling - I get what you're saying. I will consider it.

Obviously all couples have ups and downs in their sex life. You can work on it, discuss it etc, make it better.

I find it hard to separate the two though.. Am I not bothered about sex cause I'm just not that bothered (and haven't been for 10 years). Or, am I not bothered because I'm only bothered if it's with a woman?

It's not really logical at the moment, more like I just know, inside...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 13:56:02

@struggling100.... I don't think it's so much a question of 'being' a certain way as it is to be kind and honest towards the person that you're supposed to love. A libido mismatch is reasonably common and couples can find solutions. But if the reason for the libido mismatch is as fundamental as a woman who is not aroused by any man, then the partner can't find a solution because he will always be a man. It won't stop him trying or worrying that he's at fault. He may decide it's as good as it gets and not complain. I just don't think that's a kind way to treat someone.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 14:01:31

You're right cognito. I just feel like such an awful person. If I think about the fact I got married and had 3 DC with this wonderful man and now I have realised this.. It's just too terrible to contemplate. I feel like I have stolen part of his life and selfishly ruined it.

Every time I have that thought I feel panicky and like everyone will hate me. I don't know how I would exist anymore if I told him the truth, knowing the hurt I had causedsad

Elfhame Tue 13-May-14 14:16:31

You are not a bad person. Sexuality is a grey area for a lot of us. It sounds like there is romantic love but not sexual love. Which I guess might be the root of all the confusion.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 13-May-14 14:20:27

He may hate you... no getting away from that. Or he may get a big light bulb go off over his head as he suddenly realises a lot of things that up to now have been baffling him.

coffeetofunction Tue 13-May-14 14:26:49

No advice but thought I'd share it might help,

I'm happily married. I'm completely in love with DH, he's everything I could ever want. When me & DH met I was with a women, this is not a secret from him.

I have spent all my life flipping between men to women & back ect, now I have everything I want. I still look at women, often me & DH joke about it together, many women are in my eyes are far more attractive than men. The though of 2 women 'being together' is much more of a 'turn on' than a heterosexual couple 'being together'....

...am I gay? I don't see I need a label.... Sometimes mine & DH sex life is through the roof, other times it isn't. I also remember back to being with other women &men & it's always been the same!!

What I do know is everything I have is with me in my home.

I hope you find your answers wine

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 14:36:57

I know he might hate me.. I honestly haven't done any of this on purpose though. It is only in hindsight I can see what my thought process was..
At the time I was convinced that I loved dh and would marry him and have kids and would lead a happy life.
I had a few boggling doubts but not do do with liking women. I just put those down to normal 'cold feet'.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 14:38:00

Coffee - thanks for sharing..
I wish we could be so relaxed about the whole thing.. Our sex life is the sticking point for me though. I don't think it's right that I could happily not bother ever again.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 14:38:36

niggling doubts

struggling100 Tue 13-May-14 14:41:33

Suddenrealisation - in this thread I feel like you've moved from 'Am I gay?' to 'I am gay'. The fact that several of us have raised the possibility that it might be some other kind of issue, and you've replied that you 'just know' inside that you're not going to be sexually happy with a man says it all, really. It doesn't sound like you're bi - it sounds more and more like you're closeted.

If that's the case, I don't think you can be 'relaxed' about this. Perhaps you just need to accept the idea of separating and starting a new life with a woman in future.

Mangostiltskin Tue 13-May-14 14:41:50

My soon to be ex H seems so much happier with his new DP. They have a new fresh relationship and someone who wants to have sex with him rather than me avoiding it and feeling half hearted about it. Ending our marriage was not easy, there is still stuff to work out (I have to get my head around his dp being stepmum to my dc, I have not found a new house and may have to rent in the short term, his parents are unimpressed with me and I have lost a few friends over this) but it has I do think it has been worth it all. So much resentment would have built up if I had stayed, he does not think he would have been able to trust me again as hand on heart I could not assure him I would not be looking for another relationship with a woman. Staying would have seemed like a half life for us both and the dc's would not have got the best of us. We both agreed we want to model healthy relationships to them.

I did not think he would get over it. He claimed to be suicidal for a while but he did manage to move on. I'm not so great, there is life for him without me as his dp, a happier one it seems.

Good luck OP.

struggling100 Tue 13-May-14 14:42:26

And of course you haven't done this on purpose! It will cause hurt, but that is one of those things, unfortunately. And sometimes hurt is necessary to get through a situation to a happier state of affairs.

croquet Tue 13-May-14 14:51:22

Hi OP,
I wonder if this is more about missing that ex-girlfriend who you sabotaged the relationship with. It can be incredibly sad when one does that, makes decisions without a clear head, and I'm not surprised you would look back to it.

MerryMarigold Tue 13-May-14 14:55:17

Sudden, I think 3 kids under 6 would affect anyone's sex life and libido! I think (maybe) you are thinking of a different life stage and almost fantasising about the person you were. I also think your first relationship is very 'defining'. Mine was also with a girl, but I think I am with a PP who said your sexuality can be defined by the time, place, people.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 15:08:56

Struggling - I see what you're saying.
I have kept changing.. I guess I'm scared to say it. I don't want to say in gay cause then it will be real and I will have to do something about it.

I don't want to cause hurt.

I really don't think I'm fantasising about old days or my old girlfriend.. I was only 18 when I started dating her, looking back we weren't 100% compatible and I'm not sure we'd date if we met now iyswim.

This would have so many implications. I moved to my dh's small town. Everyone knows everyone here. His parents have really taken me under their wing after I went no contact with my own toxic parents.

My only real family on my side are my brothers who live several hours drive away and an old aunt. One of my bros accepted me being in a gay relationship when I was younger, the other was always weird about it and I always felt uncomfortable when my girlfriend and I hung out with him around. I mean, he got on great with her but I always felt I had to hide affection.

Anyway, that brother is the one I am closest to now so if he was weird with it, that would be one of my closest family members at an emotional distance.
Ask for my aunt, the shock might finish her off.. Have only just for back in touch with her after 15 years (my mum wouldn't let us speak)

What a mess.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 15:11:27

I don't want to say I'm gay

MerryMarigold Tue 13-May-14 15:15:32

Sudden, I think having 3 kids under 6 is pretty major in terms of life changes and I think it's a massive part of all this. If I were you, I would bide my time. As you say the implications are huge. My life started getting back on track when my youngest were at school. I think that is the kind of time you can start feeling a bit 'saner'. I have no idea where you are at emotionally, but I certainly felt slightly 'not me' with 3 young kids. But, by all means, do what you feel is right.

Bigredstapler Tue 13-May-14 16:02:43

Tried to post last night but it was tricky. There's a book on Amazon (available on Kindle) called 'Living Two Lives' by Joanne Flies her who is an American therapist who went through similar (and ended up leaving her H and coming out) in the 70's. You may find it useful in working through your feelings and thinking on how your H might react.

Bigredstapler Tue 13-May-14 16:03:26

Joanne Fliescher.... Damn autocorrect.

MollyBdenum Tue 13-May-14 16:15:28

There are lots of heterosexual mothers with 3 children under six who rarely have sex and find it a chore. When the baby years are past, they find their desire rekindling. Is that a possibility, or is it that you never felt romantic and sexual love for your husband? I think that what you are feeling at this moment could fit in with either scenario.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 16:48:49

Thanks BigRed, will take a look, although not sure how I'd read it without being discoveredblush

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 16:50:49

Molly - to give you an idea, I didn't feel like sex on our honeymoon which was only 2 years in to our relationship.

It's not the kids..

saturnine Tue 13-May-14 17:30:57

Op have you looked at the shybi website its forums are invaluable and been a real comfort to me. Although its primarily bisexuals a lot now identify as lesbian and have been through what we have.

struggling100 Tue 13-May-14 17:54:47

I think one thing you can take a lot of comfort from is that attitudes to being gay have changed RADICALLY in the last couple of decades - intolerance, of the type you have sadly experienced, is less common and is now frowned upon rather than being 'the norm'. (I'm not saying that this means your parents will be fine with it, simply that you'll have more of a moral consensus behind you if they kick off than perhaps you would have previously).

I am worried that this is a very big development with major consequences and that you are quite isolated where you are, and not in an easy context to be dealing with something like this. In relation to the first, I'd say that you probably need to take your time and make certain that this is right for you - but I would also say that what you're describing does not sound like your average, knackered mum of young kids and may well be a kind of sexual epiphany. Secondly, can you do anything under the radar to extend your network of friends and support so that you have more people you can fall back on, maybe meeting people in lunchhours, or after work or during the day if you ever get time off?

MerryMarigold Tue 13-May-14 18:13:54

I don't think the 3 kids under 6 is just about the libido (though it doesn't help). But just that it is not usually the calmest, clearest time in anyone's life and I don't personally think it's a time to make huge decisions with massive repercussions. I don't think I'm alone. I have a friend who is one of the most high energy, positive people I know. She has been really floored in the last 2 years, by having her third (who is now 2.5). It made me realise that it's not just me who struggled - it just IS extremely challenging.

bubblesmonkey Tue 13-May-14 18:38:42

Just a quick comment, sorry, not read the entire thread.
I left my ex-husband because I wanted to share my life with a woman. It wasn't remotely just about the sex.
While we had a comfortable and fairly happy marriage, when I realised I was gay, that was it. It was like a light switch and I realised that although I could have continued living with him forever I would always have a gaping hole in my life that he couldn't fill no matter what he did.
Think about future versions of you. In which could you see yourself as happy? If it's not clear, take time and space to think about it.
It took a massive feat of bravery and strength to get to where I am now but I couldn't have lived with the other path.

Bigredstapler Tue 13-May-14 18:53:53

I am in the process of leaving my husband so I can pursue relationships with women and would echo what bubblesmonkey said. It is a huge leap - whatever the state of your marriage - and do take your time. I know that staying would have left me thinking 'what if' and yearning for something else forevermore.

mathanxiety Tue 13-May-14 18:54:47

As a woman whose exH is either bi or gay (he never came out to me and has never acknowledged the implications of all the material I found on our home computer) I would like to suggest that your DH knows there is something wrong. He may not be as much living in a little bubble of happiness as you think he is.

I certainly knew there was something major that was wrong in my relationship. It is difficult to be straight and try to forge a heterosexual relationship someone who is not heterosexual. It is not a matter of mismatched libido. It is a matter of knowing on some level that you are simply not enough for the person who proposed to you and managed to have children with you. In my case my exH was also abusive in every way and this compounded the misery (not the case with you). exH being the kind of person he is, he always insisted the person causing the problems, all of them, was me.

Acknowledging the turmoil you are feeling may hurt your DH. It may anger him. It may otoh give him a feeling of relief to finally understand the answer to many questions he may have felt but may have dismissed over the years. But I think honesty is better. It gives him a choice of what to feel and how to proceed. When you know what is going on and he doesn't, he is denied vital information.

The two of you might decide to try an open relationship? This would have to be carefully negotiated. It's just one of many options. But openness is vital imo, going forward.

mathanxiety Tue 13-May-14 18:58:40

I also think you need to find a therapist who will explore with you the theme of sabotaging relationships.

WowOoo Tue 13-May-14 19:13:11

If you don't want to say anything, you don't have to yet. It must be so hard.

But I think you owe it to your lovely Dh and children to be as truthful as you can be. Of course you will hurt some feelings along some of the way - but people do learn to accept change. And things will get better for you and your Dh will at least have more of a chance of finding someone who wants him 100% (as harsh as that sounds) and of course you too.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've had a bit of experience (am old isn). Wishing you all the best.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:41:20

Saturnine - I've posted on shybi but most people have just said hi.. Not many comments on my situation. Not sure where to post to discuss it, I just posted in the welcome section..

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:43:49

Struggling. - I'm not worried about my parents anymore.. They are toxic and neither myself or my siblings have contact with them. More bothered about dh, dc and ils.

I woke p/t from home around the school run etc.. So no lunch breaks to get away. I can reach out best via internet at the moment. Once the DC are a bit older and the youngest starts nursery next year, I'll have more time to myself.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:47:28

Merry - I understand what you are saying about having 3 young kids, I really do. Some days I am close to insanity and just need to get away, even if it's to the supermarket.
I am realistic about it though and know that they grow up fast and I'll soon get more time back for me. I did lose myself a bit when I had DC1 a bit but I am back on track now, I go to yoga to chill, have set up my business from home etc.

I am aware of the effect they have on me as a person. But the fact still remains that I felt like this before they came along!!

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:49:49

Bubbles - this does feel a bit like a lightbulb moment, like everything has just slotted in to place.

I am going to be mulling this over for quite a while though because in all honesty, I can't imagine being able to do anything about it any time soon..

I'm certainly not going to make any rush decisions. I think I'm just at the stage of accepting what might have been going on with me.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:51:18

BigRed - I will indeed take my time. I have almost been at this 'place' a few times before and just pushed the thoughts away. I am going to see how I feel if I acknowledge the thoughts and let them just be for a while, without denying them.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:55:46

Math - thank you for giving me your perspective.. From the other side as it were.

I guess he might suspect that I have something on my mind. He has asked a few times lately if I'm 'ok'..
We usually tell each other just about everything. We are close.

I feel sometimes I act happy and 'normal' to cover up my doubts. Maybe I should just try to be a bit more honest overall about how I'm feeling day to day. I am an optimistic person, I like to think I have a good outlook in general. This is dragging me down at the moment though, finding it a struggle to put it out of my mind.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:58:26

I saw a therapist when I was about 20, when I broke it off with long term gf she thought I wasn't being truthful to myself and encouraged me to go. Not a lot came of it as I kept insisting I just wanted to sleep with men now..
I later had counselling for depression after dc1 was born, he was one of those counsellors who doesn't ask questions and just let's you talk about what you like. To my surprise I always ended up talking about my parentshmm
I find it hard to open up about this so never have.

SuddenRealisation Tue 13-May-14 21:59:52

Wow - you don't sound harsh, you are only speaking the truth..
I don't feel anywhere near ready to say anything yet, if at all.
I feel like something has changed though and it can't be ignored anymore :-/

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 08:01:16

Sorry for all the separate posts btw, am on my phone and it's hard to see back to what people have written once I'm typing..

saturnine Wed 14-May-14 08:48:49

Hey, if you post in the questions forum of shy bi you should get alot of advice, the married part of the forum is good too

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 09:36:44

Thanks saturninesmile Will try that.

Tbh, I feel like I'm trying to forget about it again today. Getting thoughts such as 'you're just being silly' and 'you're not really gay, just carry on as you are' etc

I keep going through this cycle..

So, I'm either not gay or I've taken a look at the alternative scenario to how I am living now and it's just too painful an idea so I'm reverting to what is comfortableconfused

MerryMarigold Wed 14-May-14 09:53:19

Does your dh know about your other relationships? That may be a way to start being honest without saying you want to leave him...just to bring total clarity into your marriage about the past. It may also help him start getting his head around this so it's not all a big shock one day.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 09:59:20

Merry - yes, I said just up thread, he knows all about the other relationships and has met both of my ex gf..

We just act like that's in the past though, when I was going through a phase.

I'm not sure I do want to leave him. I love him, he's my best friend sad

Bigredstapler Wed 14-May-14 09:59:57

Someone else quoted their therapist on this topic another forum : '.... The question isn't whether you want a penis or a vagina, the question is what do you want to do about your marriage'

Wise words.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 10:21:12

BigRed - I can't answer that. I just go round in circles.

I guess the least painful option is to keep my life as it is. I'm generally happy most of the time.

croquet Wed 14-May-14 10:45:51

Sudden why don't you just spend some time elaborating on these feelings as fantasies? You can imagine all this stuff while staying in your marriage without guilt, and maybe it will even enhance your sex life with DH. Lots of women, who wouldn't even identify as gay, have substantial lesbian fantasies.

MerryMarigold Wed 14-May-14 10:46:10

You're very lucky to be married to your best friend smile.

saturnine Wed 14-May-14 11:45:08

I can relate that op I have days like that too, days where I say of course your not gay you are married with children, you had boy band posters on your walls and boyfriends at school, I certainly never had crushes on girls. Then other days where I realise I've never looked at a man my entire adult life and felt any sexual urge I can go with it if im in the moment it doesn't repulse me but that's about it how many straight women feel like that? my sole physical attraction is to other women. Days where sex is irrelevant but I long to just have that connection that I feel I should have with another woman just being together, holding her hand, being in that role a constant nagging feeling that im on the wrong path. But then the idea of breaking up a family is too hard to bear and like you my husband is my best friend, its a horrible scary thing to be feeling and although I don't wish it on anyone its nice to feel less alone sometimes.

My husband knows how im feeling and its slowly eating away at us, it was a huge shock for him and he may be the one leaving me in the end.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 11:46:17

I don't know if I can merge the two in my head.. I mean, being with a woman is totally different..
I wouldn't feel right fantasising about women whilst sleeping with dh for example, I feel that would be unfair I him. He deserves someone who is in to him and paying him full attention iyswim?

I do think about women now and again but it's just a separate thing..

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 11:53:34

I'm so sorry saturnine.. I know exactly what you're saying/feeling. I have the same thoughts.

I often think that the crushes I've had on men were more just an appreciation of their looks. Funnily enough, even with men I really liked and thought I wanted to be with, I could never bring myself to imagine sleeping with them. I just didn't have that urge as you say. I always go for men with wonderful, hilarious personalities.. That's what I'm attracted to..

I find it much easier to imagine being with a woman sexually, my mind just goes there by itself.

For a while, whilst I was with my long term gf, I accepted that I was a lesbian and even though my parents didn't know, my friends did.. Then I broke up with her and went off on a tangent.

During that time I was convinced I was a lesbian, I wrote down all the reasons why I had come to that conclusion in my journal. I later tore that journal up and threw it away, ashamed of who I used to besad

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time with your dh, I really sympathise. I hope you can work something out so everyone is happy in the end.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 11:54:38

Merry - yes, very lucky. But he would be even luckier if he was married to someone who didn't have to mentally talk themselves in to sleeping with himconfused

MerryMarigold Wed 14-May-14 12:00:36

Every relationship has its issues. I think Hollywood sex is overrated anyway. When I have sex with dh, it is more the things he does to me, the sensations that I feel, which make it work. Tbh, anyone could be doing them - male, female, machine. It is not him - looking into his eyes or at his gorgeous body, which turns me on. I could just as easily turn myself on, but I choose for him to do it, because it is part of being intimate. Perhaps I am very detached, I don't know! Sex has been more like that with different people (the 'emotional connection' thing - at the start of relationships anyway), but dh has always been quite detached, so I guess it has made me like that too. It's still good though grin.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 12:33:30

I don't want Hollywood sex, I just want to want sex on a fairly regular basis and not constantly feel guilty that I know he would love to, but I'm 'not in the mood'.

I feel good after sex as I know my dh has enjoyed it and we feel close having shared the experience. I spent a lot of our relationship acting like I was enjoying it a lot more than I was though. I have toned that down now and try to be more 'real'.
I get what you're saying but I just don't think the way I feel is right, or fair on him.

croquet Wed 14-May-14 13:49:57

I keep reading this post.

Look OP, really with three little kids I don't think you should consider leaving. Just do what you can to, ahem, get yourself off (within the bounds of fidelity of course) and get on with the job of co-parenting. You certainly won't have much time to be much with anyone else if you break up, given you will have 3 small kids and less/more complicated support from your husband.

A friend of mine had a dad who had left after realising he was gay when the kids were young. He's never forgiven him, and now they're all older it seems as if the dad was, at the most, bisexual and actually still is in proper (i.e. supportive, caring, secure) love with the mum, who never found another partner. The kids turned out ok but it seemed like the dad was selfish for putting something sexual over family stability.

Not trying to be unkind. I do sympathise. Also reckon the option of asking your husband if he minds you taking on a lover is an option if your DH is the opposite to mine, all hell would break loose!

Mangostiltskin Wed 14-May-14 14:01:56

The OP may want a relationship where she feels like more than a co-parent.

croquet Wed 14-May-14 14:03:17

Hm yes probably, but lots of people in happy marriages do just feel like co-parents when they've got 3 little ones! It's often hard to make it feel much like anything else until they're a bit older, particularly if both people work!

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 14:40:03

Thanks croquet. To be honest, it's very doubtful I will be going anywhere right now, I hardly have time to shower, never mind pursue another relationship.
I can't even bring myself to think of what would be involved in finding someone else, or leaving, or telling dh.
It's not really about wanting to be with someone else, or about sex specifically. I just feel like I'm living a lie.

Let's say that I am gay, do you think it's a good idea to tell a gay person to just stay in a heterosexual marriage and get on with it? I'm not sure that's a good idea, for any of the family...

On the other hand, I would rather poke my own eyeballs out than upset my DCs life right now, so even if I am, I'm stuck, for the moment.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 14:50:24

I wouldn't feel right taking a lover. It's not about that.. As I'm married, I would not cheat..
It's about being true to myself.

MerryMarigold Wed 14-May-14 14:56:04

do you think it's a good idea to tell a gay person to just stay in a heterosexual marriage and get on with it?

Yes, I think it is fine, for the moment in time. As a PP said, it is not about penis and vagina, it is about dealing with a marriage. And if anyone posted on here that they felt dissatisfied and 'wrong' in their marriage, and they had 3 young kids, and there was no obvious abuse, then I would give them the same advice. Hang in there, get some of 'yourself' back and then start evaluating the situation. In the meantime, don't dwell on it because it will make life miserable.

I think you know all this anyway because you've said as much!

croquet Wed 14-May-14 14:58:01

I see what you mean. Maybe if I was you, and I really felt this, I would say to my DH that I was really upset as, though I loved him and wanted to parent our children together, I was beginning to find it difficult to imagine us together forever, forsaking all others.

Only you can judge whether it would be possible to talk to him like this, but if it were possible, he might actually have something useful to say, or be glad to know, or, if he is your best friend, it might feel good (though also wretched) to talk.

I get not wanting to live a lie. Theoretically, do you think if you could be open about your sexuality with your dh, and stay with him, that would be enough? Is it the secrecy or the relationship itself that's the problem?

croquet Wed 14-May-14 15:12:55

Good idea Ria

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 17:09:29

Merry - whilst I agree in the short term. I would never tell a gay person to stay in a straight marriage. I don't think their mental health would come out of it very well over time.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 17:10:12

Ria - I think the main problem is the expectation of sex that I don't feel like. I don't know how long I can go on doing it.

mathanxiety Wed 14-May-14 17:45:22

'I'm not sure I do want to leave him. I love him, he's my best friend'

You owe him the option of leaving you, harsh as that may sound.
He may prefer a relationship with a woman who wants his penis (to paraphrase another poster earlier) as well as his friendship.

I don't think you can assume he wants to be in a relationship, initiating sex, hoping he is satisfying you, putting forth whatever effort he does to keep the sexual relationship fun and good for both of you, when there really isn't any hope of his efforts making much of a difference to you, sexually.

I believe you have to give him a heads up about your turmoil. There are two people involved in this, and both should have a say in how matters proceed. Otherwise you are asking a straight person with expectations of a heterosexual relationship to stay in a marriage where his sex partner isn't into him, but he doesn't know that. He is also living a lie.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 17:56:53

Wise words math.. I am going to think about how to discuss it at some point. Even if just to casually let him know I'm having trouble hiding my other side. He thinks I'm not bothered and don't think about it anymore..

mathanxiety Wed 14-May-14 18:03:30
SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 18:33:55

Thank you very much for all the links. Will take a look..

FantasticButtocks Wed 14-May-14 19:00:19

At the moment DH is your chosen partner in life, and he's your best friend. I'm sure in both these roles he would not be wanting you to be struggling with all this and feeling unable to talk to him. One of the things that really does put a distance between you is not being able to be honest with each other.

I think you should talk to him. From what you have said, and from the way you express yourself, and the fact that you are very concerned that he is getting short-changed sex-wise, (and intimacy-wise too as you can't talk to him about about what is going on with you), as well as for yourself, I think you would be able to venture into this territory the next time he asks if you are ok. No you're not really ok, you've tried to be ok, but this thing keeps bothering you...

Things are not going to improve on their own, and the longer you have this hidden struggle going on, the more distance between you and DH, the less and less close you will become. Which is not going to improve the situation.

If you talk to him, however, he may already have some inkling or some concerns of his own… then you are on an equal footing again. Two people who love each other, but have something big to deal with. He may be hurt by all this, but you will not be hurting him, you haven't actually done anything wrong or hurtful. You are not behaving badly. You have tried to be as good as you can to him under the circumstances and your feelings for him are all good, if not sexual. Perhaps the most hurtful thing would be keeping such a secret from him...

You both probably feel the same about changing the lives of your DCs and if you both feel that that is an absolutely necessary step, it sounds as though you would both still make DCs' happiness your priority. You may, when you put your heads together come up with some kind of unconventional solution which allows you both to be happy and the DCs too.

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 19:45:40

Thanks Fantastic, good advice..

Love your name btwgrin

I think I'm going to have to maybe break this down in to bite size pieces and try not to look too far ahead. Maybe I should just have an initial goal of discussing the fact that I do think about women and it makes me feel less 'real' to keep suppressing that side of me. Maybe I could just say that I need to be more open about that side of me and let it exist.
I feel like I'm hiding a dirty secret and that is leading to self hatred..

FantasticButtocks Wed 14-May-14 21:21:07

I think that would be a very good start. You have to start somewhere smile

SuddenRealisation Wed 14-May-14 23:40:51

I guess sosmile

I think that whatever the gender of your partner the fact of not being sexually attracted to them is a massive problem, even if there is "more to a marriage than sex" (and I agree there definitely is!)

I'm not gay so it's not the same but did have a long term relationship with a man and almost married him despite having no sexual attraction to him at all. Sex was a chore. I left in the end because I knew it wasn't right even though much of the rest of the relationship was brilliant.

My DH now and I have been married a while, together a long time and I'm very pregnant so sex isn't top priority and we aren't at it like rabbits. BUT the fact that I do find him sexually attractive acts as a glue between us in my opinion. The closeness we have is enhanced by our ongoing and strong sexual connection, even at times when it's not as much at the forefront as it was. If you're missing that you ARE missing a huge part of your relationship in my opinion.

I don't know if I've explained that brilliantly but hope you understand what I mean.

SuddenRealisation Thu 15-May-14 10:39:13

I understand somedizzy, thanks for sharing smile

I wish I could stay as I am and just be happy with it..

saturnine Thu 15-May-14 13:27:38

Sudden - thank you, im sure in the end it will all work itself out. I wish I could tell you that sharing this with your dh will be the answer but for me that's not been the case. I had to tell him because like you it was eating away at me I felt like I was hiding this dirty shameful secret, like I was already being unfaithful, but although getting it out there has made me feel a little more at peace with myself its not made my head any clearer. I've accepted im not straight which has been pretty freeing but i wasn't prepared for dh to freak out the way he did, that information has destroyed him, he feels at fault like he's changed me, like he cant trust me because i hid the person i am (unknowingly) he cant even understand how i couldn't of known doesn't really believe it. He feels uncomfortable whenever im around friends, or see attractive women, even on tv he feels like he's waiting on the day i pack up and go. And for me since i admitted everything, the more open i am to myself the more that 'straight' side of me seems to shut off.

I do think despite all that though you owe it to both of you to be open with him, but before you go there I'd try and be clearer yourself about where you want to go from here, do you just want to be able to acknowledge that you like women still and that your bisexual, do you want to open the marriage up and see other people, or are you coming out as gay but want to continue the marriage or split because i can guarantee he will want to know what you want him to do with the information and personally the ' im 95% gay but want to stay together' line isn't working well for me

SuddenRealisation Thu 15-May-14 15:55:59

Saturn - sorry he's struggling with it, that must be really hard for both of you. Feel free to pm me anytime..

Thank you for the advice too, that's actually very useful. I will consider the points you have made..

Mangostiltskin Thu 15-May-14 16:01:50

Saturnine you sound so sad. I did not think my DH would ever get over my coming out and thought for ages that I was doing the worst thing in the world.... But he did get over it, he has moved on, he's happier in his new relationship than he was with me and our dc's still have two sets of parents who love and care for them. There are sad and hard times still and we have an impending house move but we are trying to regard it as a new exciting start.

I know that if I had stayed it might have been easier and easier on the dc, I'd be better off too but I think my mental health - and dh's - would have taken the toll and there would have been resentment and unhappiness and not a healthy relationship modelled.

It is hard and heaetwrenching though.

saturnine Thu 15-May-14 18:33:21

Thank you both, I am really sad tbh, I feel lost its a horrible feeling but anyway don't want to hijack the thread. Good luck if you do talk to your dh op, hope it all works out for you

Mangostiltskin Thu 15-May-14 19:05:29

Oh Saturn unmnetty ((hugs)) to you. Feel free to pm me if you want. Good luck to you and op.

SuddenRealisation Thu 15-May-14 20:22:49

Saturn - don't worry about hijacking, talk away if it helps even just one little bit.

Filg Thu 15-May-14 20:40:37

Saturn you said you're only coming up for 30, I presume your DH isn't that much older. You would both have the opportunity to start over fairly easily if he went or you decided to. Deciding you are 95% gay but staying put and sacrificing yourself sounds like a depressing option.

Have you looked into counselling for at least a safe space to talk through this.

mercibucket Thu 15-May-14 21:22:21

would you leave if you had just stopped fancying your dh and started fancying other men? personally, i wouldnt (i hope) but would look to try to get back what i once had with my dh. is there anything there to salvage or not?
my view is that if you plan to be monogomous, it is about the person, not the gender, and i am just a bit wary of whether this is more of a mid-life common or garden 'grass is greener' situation about escapism and a return to carefree life pre kids.
but of course, in either case, if you want to start a new relationship, then separation is on the cards.

SuddenRealisation Thu 15-May-14 22:37:21

I appreciate your thoughts, and your point of view merci.. However, I think there's a big difference between being heterosexual and not fancying sex anymore and possibly being gay.
It's nothing to do with getting back what we once had and it's not really to do with me wanting another partner.
It is about me knowing that, despite the fact I married a man, I'm pretty sure I am denying the fact I'm gay.
It is about inner happiness, it is about being me. I don't have the energy to search for someone else right now and I get on so well with dh that in a way, I don't want to rock the boat and say anything.
But then, there are moments when I just sit on our bed and feel like a fake person in my own life. I feel like I am acting a part that is not me, like I don't really fit in here.
I don't know what the solution is but this isn't a new problem (the sex) and I'm beginning to realise that my sexuality has been the cause of a lot of my issues, just that I didn't know it at the time..

saturnine Fri 16-May-14 09:10:07

Thank you mango and Saturn, im not even sure if talking helps anymore because I just go round in circles in my head.

Filg - yes we are the same age but we have been together since our teens and its almost like we don't know how to be apart, we spend all our time together don't really have our own friends, something im going to focus on while sorting my head out is gaining a bit of independence myself and see if that makes things any clearer.

Mangostiltskin Fri 16-May-14 09:26:42

No worries.
You don't have to thank yourself Saturn!
I felt lonely going through the realisation so hope this thread has helped someone somehow.

saturnine Fri 16-May-14 09:34:57

oops mango and sudden! clearly im not quite awake yet!

It is helping, it really is a lonely time when you cant talk to anyone in real life about it dh wont even discuss the subject anymore, its too hard for him. Sometimes I go through periods where I try and not talk or think about it at all in the hope it will just go away, I mean if my brain kept it hidden until my mid 20's it can again right? not that simple im finding.

SuddenRealisation Fri 16-May-14 17:01:13

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, imagining different hypothetical scenarios..

I think, although I love my husband with all my heart, and he's my best friend in the world, I am gay.

Mangostiltskin Fri 16-May-14 19:09:01

Wow. Coming out to yourself is probably the first step. Now you have to do the figuring out of what you share with your DH and what you want to do about your marriage as a PP said upthread.

SuddenRealisation Fri 16-May-14 21:24:48

Thanks Mango.. For now I'm just practicing saying it to myself (in my head) to try and get used to the idea..

One thing that helped was something I read on a random site. I asked myself, if I could go on a date with a lovely man or a lovely lady, which would I choose? I tried lots of combos of men and women who I think are attractive. I concluded that, although I do think some men are attractive, I don't actually find them sexually attractive. So I appreciate their looks and their personality, but, looking at them, my mind doesn't suddenly wander to visualising more iyswim.
With women I like, just looking at them takes me to that place.

saturnine Sat 17-May-14 00:26:41

Can completely relate to that sudden, I can easily appreciate a good looking man but sexually there is nothing there and they wouldn't get more than a passing glance where as I could look at an attractive woman all day

kaziam Sat 17-May-14 05:40:41

i just barely joined this site. actually i joined because i read your posts (sudden realization's, and others as well) and felt so relieved to hear someone describe how i feel. i like sex with my husband fine, nothing major is wrong, he is a good father to our toddler, we have a good life together. or, rather, we had. we are now separated in part because i had a 2 month affair with a woman (that i was technically allowed to have...bizarre, i know) where i became so infatuated with this woman, it turned everything upside down. i felt like so at home with her, so completely attracted. i could have stayed in bed with her for days. but when i'm with my husband and child, i like that, too. i like being a family. and i like the fantasy of sex with men sometimes, and i have orgasms with my husband. that means i must not be gay, i think. but the other thing was so strong....
we are now separated but i'm not dating anyone, or even pursuing anyone. i'm just confused. i think i shouldn't leave my husband just for sex with women. and if we aren't doing that well, maybe i'm just avoiding the hard work of staying together. it's so confusing. i go back and forth a lot. my gay friends think i'm gay, my straight friends think i'm straight and just seeking a quick fix for a marriage that needs work. i'm so confused.

SuddenRealisation Sat 17-May-14 08:26:37

Hi kaziam,

I'm sorry you feel so confused, the confusion is just the worst thing.

Have you considered maybe speaking to a counsellor to try and understand your feelings?

Had you had any experience of women before you got together with your dh?

Mangostiltskin Sat 17-May-14 08:46:31

Hi Kaziam - see my original post up thread. I am mid divorce after an affair with a woman that I told my DH about. Feel free to pm me.

SuddenRealisation Thu 22-May-14 22:47:14

Feeling confused again. It's so hard to know what's what when there's denial in there also.
Keep going back and forth.. Ugh

Bigredstapler Fri 23-May-14 00:24:37

As someone said to me this week 'it is perfectly possible to be trapped in and living the wrong life until something clicks'... How she has dealt with questions about coming out later in life.

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 14:30:54

Interesting, thanks smile
I think I get confused as I sometimes find men attractive but I think this may be due to me being sort of conditioned by society iyswim.
I sort of feel a mental block happen once I try to imagine getting intimate.
Doesn't help that I have childhood issues too (groped by family member).
I find it hard to separate all these thoughts.

mathanxiety Fri 23-May-14 16:17:58

Maybe it should come down to 'what is fair for me to ask of my DH?'
To put it another way, if he were the one mulling all of this over, would you want him to talk about it with you? Do you think you would sense there was some distance or barrier between the two of you and would you be puzzled or worried if you didn't know what was going on? When you shut out your spouse for whatever reason they can usually sense it. Saturnine is in this position as far as I can see, with her DH not communicating, and it is weighing her down. This isn't all about one person's sexuality. There is the emotional component of the relationship with DH.

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 16:28:33

Math - well yes, I do think he may sense a slight distance.. The thing is, if I talk to him about it I want to be sure of what I'm talking about. I don't want to say, I think this or I might be that. Surely straightforward info would be better for him to deal with?
I haven't quite worked out how I feel yet so I don't want to burden him with my uncertainty..

kaziam Fri 23-May-14 18:59:49

Suddenrealization,

Yes, I'm in counseling both individually and as a couple (separate counselors). I had a sort of girlfriend for a short while before I met my now-husband. But I wasn't really into her - she pursued me and I went along. I thought that because I hadn't been particularly attracted to her, I must only be mildly attracted to women. Then a couple of years into my DH relationship, I became infatuated with a woman in school with me, but never did more than kiss her. But this two month affair last year was powerful, and now it seems like I seek out women all the time, I'm always looking in this secretly predatory way (! yikes).

You know, lately I've been wondering: if I took away all the trappings that surround sex with my husband, ie. it bonds us, it makes me less scared he'll cheat, it makes me feel desired, etc - then would I want sex with him at all? I can't really tell, to be honest. I'd be fine without it. I would miss the affection and hugs the most. Score one for being gay.

But then, even if I don't desire him sexually anymore, how do I know that isn't just a product of so many years together? I mean, who is really turned on by someone they have been with that long? Score one for being straight or bi and just in a messy, not-intimate-enough relationship.

But I always get off....

But I'm in my head...

But I've always sought out women, and undeniably so after I've had a drink or two. Score another for gay.

But the "rules" have always allowed for that, so maybe I've just trained myself to look at women because men have not been contenders. Score another for weird sex life rules in troubled marriage.

...It's endless, this psychological battle I'm having... any ideas?

kaziam Fri 23-May-14 19:00:26

mangostiltskin,

thanks, i will!

SuddenRealisation Fri 23-May-14 20:01:31

Kazaim - it's so hard isn't it..
I'd say think about how you felt about sex at the start of your relationship.
Think about what you naturally fantasise about when you're, ahem, alone..
See, with me, even if I fantasise about a couple, my mind is always concentrating on aspects of the woman in each scenario.
I thought that was normal but I'm not sure straight women get turned on thinking about breasts, for example :-/

SuddenRealisation Fri 19-Sep-14 13:15:47

How is everyone doing?

Mango, have you moved house yet?

Saturn, how are things with you and DH?

I have been seeing a counsellor for a while. Have spent quite a lot of time working through my parents abusive behaviour so I'm not a lot further forward re my sexuality.

I have discussed my feelings with dh and things have been very up and down. Sometimes I feel like we will split then I try to make it work and we sleep together. I hate all this blowing hot and cold and feel like I'm messing him around. I keep trying to go with my feelings but then the guilt and the weight of the situation overwhelms me.

When it comes down to it, the feeling I am gay hasn't gone away. Hoping to work through this a bit more in my next counselling sessionconfused

SuddenRealisation Fri 19-Sep-14 17:32:28

Anyone there?

rumred Fri 19-Sep-14 17:47:21

I think if your feelings tell you one thing and your 'head' another, you will continue to live a half life. have you made progress in counselling?
its sounds as if this is work in progress for you. from experience I know it takes a horribly long time to get into good habits re feelings and what you think you should do. im still working on it

rumred Fri 19-Sep-14 17:48:27

have you considered spending time apart?

SuddenRealisation Sat 20-Sep-14 21:26:47

Thanks rumred. I am making progress in counselling but more generally rather than specifically re the sexuality thing. I have said to her I want to focus on that more as I'm still very confused.
Spending time apart is difficult with 3 DC under 6.. I am trying to incorporate more 'me' time in to every day life though, not just for me but for DH too.
I have had very little me time since the DC came along.

I'm a slowly starting to go out with friends more etc

rumred Mon 22-Sep-14 21:23:01

I found an interesting website, courtesy of a piece in the observer- cloverpop.com. helps you make decisions. I found it useful for ordering my thoughts. its not scientific but might help you focus on the pros and cons, might highlight some issues. or might be completely useless of course.

I think going out with friends again will help in the long run. you'll get more perspective and if theyre good people, more support too. maybe you need to accept its baby steps for now

SuddenRealisation Tue 23-Sep-14 22:29:28

Thanks rumredsmile Will take a look at the website.
I guess if I take my time, I'll know for sure whether these feelings are here to stay. I just don't want to mess DH around...

DorisIsALittleBitPartial Tue 23-Sep-14 23:31:23

Hi Sudden, was reading this post and got very confused at the end as I didn't realise it was an old thread that had been resurrected grin
I'm glad to read that you are having counselling, but I think that 6 months on you must know that the lid has been lifted and these feelings are here to stay. I do think though that it is really important that you are working through your feelings about your parents. Not directly to do with your sexuality, but who you are, iyswim.
I hope you figure things out thanks

SuddenRealisation Wed 24-Sep-14 12:32:20

Thanks Doris.. Gosh,8 didn't realise I had been thinking like this for 6 monthssad

I came back to the thread to read through my previous thoughts and see if I could get more clarity.

I guess it does feel like the kid has been lifted.. Now I have acknowledged these feelings, I don't know how I can ever pretend they are not there...

SuddenRealisation Wed 24-Sep-14 12:33:09

Bloody phone! Lid*

SuddenRealisation Wed 01-Oct-14 22:45:23

Saw my counsellor yesterday, worked through things a lot more. I think I actually am gay. I am finding it really really difficult to actually accept thissad

Cricrichan Thu 02-Oct-14 00:21:49

Not sure if this helps but the way you describe what you feel is the opposite with me. I can look at a woman and appreciate that she's attractive, has a nice body etc but more like you say you'd appreciate art or a cute child. I love women's company and friendship but chemistry and attraction only happens with men.

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