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First date since widowed, friends reactions

(69 Posts)
Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 11:23:54

Last night I went on the first date since being widowed, after 25 years of a very happy marriage. DH died over three years ago. My 3DC, all at uni, were fine about it with my 2 DD insisting on checking what I wore etc! I had a lovely meal and enjoyed his company, no physical contact apart from a peck on the cheek but have arranged to go to the cinema next Friday. Speaking to my closest friend about it this morning, who has been wonderful through this, she said that it was pointless me dating since I had a maestectomy nearly four years ago and if she had known I would get over DH ( I never will) so quickly she wouldn't have bothered. I am completely shell shocked and firstly wonder if she is right about the maestectomy, looking a long way in advance but he does know I had breast cancer. But also now feel I have let DH down although I know he would not have felt it. Is just over 3 years too soon?

MuttonCadet Sun 11-May-14 11:27:40

That is no friend. Your children are happy and so are you.

I'm sure no man worth knowing would have a problem with your mastectomy, and that, as you say, is in the future.

Enjoy getting to know this guy, 3 years isn't quick.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-May-14 11:28:00

That's not a friend, that's a killjoy, judgemental caaaahhhh.... smile I hope you told her to keep her nasty opinions to herself in future.

TheEnchantedForest Sun 11-May-14 11:30:04

I am shocked that anyone would say such a vile thing, let alone a supposed friend. Perhaps she has pegged you in some sort of 'grieving widow' catagory which suits her.
hopefully she will ring you up later after reflecting on her words and grovel.

Of course it isn't too soon. I am glad your children are (as they should be) supportive.
Enjoy yourself smile

tigermoll Sun 11-May-14 11:31:27

it was pointless me dating since I had a maestectomy nearly four years ago

Ohhh......sorry, I didn't realise that the only point of a date was TITS.

I thought it was about fun, desire, companionship, love, excitement, intimacy, attraction and enjoying someone's company. Silly me. Of course, unless you have PERFECT BREASTS you're just wasting his time.

Your friend is a dick.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 11-May-14 11:32:06

Oh aghhst, firstly I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful marriage to your husband thanks

Please, please don't take what your friend has said to heart, people react in the strangest ways as you are probably all too aware. I'm going to say that she had no right to say any of that to you. I am angry on your behalf and you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

The most important thing is that you are ready and that you have the support of your DCs. I think it's lovely how they helped you prepare for your date.

If this man is special then the mastectomy won't even factor into it. It will be you he will be wanting to spend time with.

I cannot believe she spoke to you like that.

Just enjoy the dating and speak to your DCs or on here if you want to say how things are going. This is your life and you have found out in the most cruel way how precious life is x

AmIGoingMad Sun 11-May-14 11:33:38

What a horrid person.

You and your dc are happy. It's an awful thing you've been through and I'm sure you'll never 'be over' the death of your DH. But you deserve to have some happiness and affection in your life.

Ignore her and do what makes you happy. Someone like this is no true friend.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 11:34:22

You have every right to move on and find happiness. Your friend is awful!

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 11-May-14 11:34:23

tigermoll has it in a nutshell. If she says anything again, it would be great if you could repeat tiger's post to her grin

FiveExclamations Sun 11-May-14 11:35:29

No, it's absolutely not too soon, the only person who would know if it was too soon is you (though I appreciate why you're happy that your children are on board).

What an absolutely judgmental twit she is. Just because she was great help through one part of your life does not give her rights over the rest of it.

RudyMentary Sun 11-May-14 11:36:56

I suspect your friend is jealous.
She is probably unhappy herself and consoled herself by being a good friend to someone worse off than her.

She may begrudge you finding happiness.

Delphinegreen Sun 11-May-14 11:37:06

Omg! You call her a friend???? She sounds awful. You have a right to a sex life, a mastectomy shouldn't come into it. Between you & partner.
It's true that some life events show you who your friends are.
Distance yourself from this woman, listen to your daughters and have a lovely time xxx

wheretoyougonow Sun 11-May-14 11:37:32

Your friend is a bitch. Don't listen to her and try and enjoy this new chapter in your lifethanks

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 11:38:45

Thank you this has helped, I was so sure she would be happy for it has rocked me.

CaptainSinker Sun 11-May-14 11:39:27

Your friend's response is very strange, and must reflect some issues of hers.

Take your lead from your own feelings, and your DCs'.

My friend has just remarried after divorce. She had a mastectomy a few years ago. She and her new husband have a lovely relationship including plenty of sex... We are not allowed to ring for them when the curtains are closed.. Seems to be constantly!

Squeegle Sun 11-May-14 11:41:03

It is a really hurtful (and rather strange) thing to say. Does she feel left out? Is she on her own and thought you would be always there to keep her company?

NorthEasterlyGale Sun 11-May-14 11:41:33

Your friend is a bitch. Actually, my first thought was that she sounds quite like she's a jealous bitch to be honest.

I don't think there is a time frame for grieving or for when you're ready to see someone new. If it feels the right time then it is the right time.

You sound lovely, your children sound lovely and what matters is that YOU are comfortable with going on a date and that YOU are comfortable with your body. Don't second guess yourself because some silly mare with issues gobs off.

Go date - enjoy!

FiveExclamations Sun 11-May-14 11:42:05

Oh and I would now question her motives in helping, perhaps she fears that she might lose the saintly glow of supporting you if you are off enjoying your life exactly as I'm sure your husband would want you to.

People have strange attitudes about death, my oldest sister made horrible comments about me daring to look happy when visiting my father's grave three years after he died. I was 15 at the time.

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 11:43:15

The only way you could let your DH down is to use him as an excuse not to carry on living and loving. I assume he knew how much you loved and valued him, so treasure the memories you have and move forward with him in your heart.
I don't understand why your friend used the word 'pointless', but could it be possible that she's worried you'll get hurt? My other theory is that dating someone new can be tummy ticklingly exciting... perhaps she's envious?
Your children sound fab and are possibly best placed to understand how far you've come in your grieving journey. I wish you nothing but love in your future.

Jinglebells99 Sun 11-May-14 11:45:18

Oh my, what a nasty judge thing for your friend to say. I am shocked. Is she one of those people who comes out to wallow in other people's troubles? My mum had a friend like that when she was going through some health issues. Would phone her every day and come round, but when my mum was better, she found her demanding and overbearing and ultimately difficult and had to move on from her. I wish you future happiness.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 11-May-14 11:46:02

Trying to be charitable here: I think she's parked you in the dignified and suffering martyr category where it suits her for you to be, so she can pity you. Obvs going out on date with a new man means you can't be pitied and it's made her jealous of you.

I'd cut her off completely and then look forward to having some fun.

springlamb Sun 11-May-14 11:47:24

What a horrid thing.

If I look back over what you have said about your life over the past few years, I think you deserve to have the very best of times now, whether you have tits or not, whether you go on to have a physical relationship with this man or not. Three years is not too soon. To have coped with cancer and the mastectomy, to lose your DH, for your dc to have lost their father at such ages as they must have been and for you to carry on and get them through their own grief to a point where all 3 are at university and your dd's are certainly feeling that you now should have a bit of life for yourself, well you are a very brave lady.

Allow me to tell your 'mate' to fuck off and mind her own business.

Hissy Sun 11-May-14 11:48:24

Your friend is no friend at all.

i get REALLY cross when people stamp on others for no bloody good reason at all, and in one sweeping statement she has hit you on so many levels.

What a horrible, horrible person she really is.

I agree very much with what Shockers says too. I doubt your H would have wanted you to be alone and lonely, he would have wanted you to live on and be happy.

Drop the friend. She's not worth keeping in any way shape or form.

JennyPiccolo Sun 11-May-14 11:50:19

Your friend sounds awful. If you had passed away and your dp was still here with the kids, do you think it would be too soon?

I would undoubtedly want my partner to have some company if I wasn't around any longer.

Nanny0gg Sun 11-May-14 11:51:39

She sounds jealous.

Either her marriage isn't happy or she is single or she likes being the 'rescuer' or 'supporter' and she doesn't want to lose that power.

She's a cow, whatever the reason.

throckenholt Sun 11-May-14 11:53:00

That is NOT a friend. You have had 3 years on your own - if you feel ready then you are ready - nothing to do with so called friends. Your DH would have wanted you to have another chance and not be on your own for the rest of your life.

And if a man cares for you - he will care for all of you - mastectomy, previous husband, grown up children and everything else about you.

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 11:56:35

Thank you, I spoke to all my DC when I was asked to go out to check they would be ok. I wouldn't have gone if it upset any of them but they were all pleased, I think they all worry about my being home alone! I sometimes make up plans at Bank Holidays so they don't drop theirs so I am not alone and rush home! The date is a lovely man who I have commuted with for the past 6 years and we are already friends. He divorced five years ago. I just felt she would be very happy for me, I have been good friends with her DH since uni and when our DC were little we spent huge amounts of time with each other. Her DH and mine were flat mates at uni. It is just so shocking she was so nasty. BTW my DD1 said I ought to have invited him in for coffee.....hussy!

MyFirstName Sun 11-May-14 11:56:51

What a vicious, stupid cow! In fact - have that phrase up your sleeve next time she is so unbelievable.

Not the normal MN "Did you mean to be so rude?' But "Did you mean to sound like a vicious, stupid cow?"

Wow. I cannot believe anyone think what she said - let alone uttered the words.

I hope you enjoy the cinema flowers

She is not your friend really..

A friend is someone who understand your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are.

Don't think she meets the criteria does she??


itwillgetbettersoon Sun 11-May-14 12:04:37

Your children sound lovely. Your friend is so very jealous and a bitch. She is scared that she cannot control you anymore and wallow in your sadness. Dating is lovely even if it just to make new friends. Enjoy it. By the way your daughter is right you should have invited him in for a coffee.

Foodylicious Sun 11-May-14 12:09:35

I have just had to re read your post 3 times
[Shock] it this woman who is supposed to be your friend.
3 years is not too soon, what she has said about that and your mastectomy is simply just nasty.
If she does appologise I don't think I would accept it. Please do not contact het to try to 'explain' or anything. You do not have to justify anything to her or 'owe' her anything. I would either go full no contact now or stop instigating any contact with her.
Good luck for your next date and without being patronising, well done you on going on date #1!!!
Sounds like you have lovely children, my mum died when I was 9 and as awful as it was I would never have wanted my dad to be lonely. He married 2 years later to someone who was in a similar situation and also had children. So we made a family of 9! Had our ups and downs like all families and are on the whole pretty close.
Hug your kids and bin the friend

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 12:10:45

Yes I can see why she seems nasty but I doubt I could have got through that first dreadful year without her. That is why it is so upsetting. Her DH was the person who tried to resuscitate my DH, GP's at the same practice. Our lives have been intertwined for so long it is awful to feel she won't support me forwards. I don't expect this to necessarily be my future but I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I am only just 50, thanks for the support, it really helps.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 11-May-14 12:16:37

Anyone else suspect that her husband fancies Op?

I think you should move on when it feels right to you. However, to give you some perspective - historically - when people were far more likely to have been widowed young - it was seen as "a bit quick" if someone got married in less than a year.

To be honest when you said how long you had been widowed for I was expecting a complaint that your friend seems to be determined to "get you out there" and so far has tried to set you up with her milkman, 3 of her neighbours (one of which you are pretty certain is gay), and her 48 year old brother who has never had a girlfriend and still lives with their mother......

cheeseandpineapple Sun 11-May-14 12:40:33

Not defending what your friend said but it sounds like she and her husband have not come to terms with your husband's death. It also sounds like your DH was more like a brother to your friend's husband and that you have been like family to each other.

She/they aren't ready to move on and for you to introduce someone new into the group.

You've had to live your life day in, day out on your own since your husband died. 3 years of that is a long time. For your friend and her family, the 3 years may have gone more quickly as she's not on her own every night.

Doesn't in anyway excuse what she said but might help you in understanding the vitriol and how to tackle it with her.

bragmatic Sun 11-May-14 12:57:18

Be honest. This can't possibly be the first nasty thing she's ever said to you?

Good friends help you through tragedies. Better friends are genuinely delighted for you when things are going your way.. They want you to be happy, even if it means you're happier than they are.

Cocolepew Sun 11-May-14 13:01:13

What a vile thing to say, I'm shocked at her nastiness.
That woman has issues.

Foodylicious Sun 11-May-14 13:07:07

Retract my comment about 'binning' the friend thanks
It does sound like its more complicated with her and her DH having to come to terms with his death too, so her response whilst upsetting (and the wrong thing to say to you) is a reflection of her grief and that she is not ready to move on & may be worried herself about how she will feel actually seeing you with someone else.
Maybe she should be given the opportunity to explain herself and talk about how she is feeling, but she will need to understand that how she feels is not necessary going to influence the decisions you make about your life.
You might just have to have less contact with her for a bit while she comes to terms with this,and to stop her from making you feel guilty whether this is intentional or not.

Good luck x

bobsnotmyuncle Sun 11-May-14 13:08:15

Your friend is a thoughtless and quite possibly jealous cow. She might think it is too soon FOR HER if her and her DH were close to yours but if she was any kind of friend she would have kept that to herself, instead of making it all about her.

FWIW my mum got remarried 4 years after my dad died suddenly, I'm one of 4 DC and we, and all of her real friends were nothing but happy for her.

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 13:08:20

Bragmatic that is right she has never really 'celebrated' my DC's achievements, when DD2 got into Oxford she spent a lot of time querying whether it would be detrimental to her health, after DH died she became borderline anorexic, rather than allowing us to enjoy the moment. But it is also true that her DH and mine were incredibly close and her DH is a lovely man and they are very close so I suppose it is possible she is thinking about his feelings. I hadn't thought of that. It is all so complicated!

girliefriend Sun 11-May-14 13:10:45

She sounds toxic - steer well clear, agree with pp - this woman is not your friend sad

Good luck with the future op - it sounds like you have had a crap (understatement) few years and are very much due some happiness smile

I think this has nothing to do with you, your physiology or the period of time since you were widowed and everything to do with your friends issues. You reference that she was amazing in the first year or so which is no doubt correct but for whatever reason she has you pigeon holed in a box to validate some aspect of her life. Your date has taken out of whatever pigeon hole she has you in (don't want to be amateur psychologist but along lines of 'at least I am not alone', 'at least I haven't had cancer', I may be in an unhappy marriage but at least I am in one' etc.) and this isn't sitting well with her. Your decision to maintain the friendship is your choice but you should not let it affect your dating life and your potential to be happy again and have a live along side your loss. I wish you well lovely, you sound gorgeous - a lovely mother and a caring friend.

SpringyReframed Sun 11-May-14 13:23:51

I think there is nothing like a traumatic life event for a friend such as bereavement or divorce to bring out the very best but also the very worst in people you see as friends, OP.

I've had both the above in the past couple of years and I have had wonderful and horrible experiences with "friends". It is not something I would have ever imagined, that I would lose friends, nor find support and new ones from the most unlikely of sources.

I don't know whether is worth spending time second guessing the whys and wherefores or all this because it does hurt and it is always nice to have answers. Personally I decided to move on and not look back but it not always the easy option.

Wishing you all the luck in the world with moving on with your life. There will be new and lovely friends to go on with in the future. thanks

Hissy Sun 11-May-14 13:34:45

This screams of her wanting you to stay right where you are in her head.

Any normal decent friend would be shouting from the rooftops about how far you have come, how your DC are a credit to you and to their father.

If you stay as you are, it means that she stays as she is. if you move on, then you are leaveing your place, and potentially competitive somehow.

it could be as simple as her own insecurity:

Widowed is a status that deems you 'off the radar' somehow. when you are 'dating' that means that you are now SINGLE.

Divorced women get this all the time, the fact that you are not partnered means that you are a loose cannon. She has now gone from seeing you as benign to seeing you as a threat.

Some of us live have experience of family and friends being happy for us as long as we remain 'down' or oppressed/suffering. the minute we begin to rise/get on with life/recover, this causes them extreme discomfort and we can't be allowed to do so somehow.

I know it's trite, but it rings true sometimes that some people are in our lives for a reason, others for a season and the best for life.

If I were you, I would sit her down and tell her how hurtful and negative I'd found her comments and that it's causing you to question everything to do with your friendship.

then I would take a VERY large step back. knowing someone ISN'T cheering for you, personally or for your your family is a nasty acidic presence in your life, and will eat away at any self confidence you gain.

lycheechoc Sun 11-May-14 14:45:27

What Hissy said.

The being widowed status is the red herring really, she's a toxic person.

I get that you're thinking of emotional loyalty to your late DH, and to his friend, and of course that's to your credit. But really, she's going to suck the life out of you if you keep her in your life. PLEASE don't feel you owe her something for her support: if her intentions weren't sincere or with the aim of building you up and helping you, then feel no guilt about cutting her out.

I remember a so-called "friend" post divorce, enraged that I actually took care of myself physically and went out and met new people and went on dates, rather than being HER creature, and paying some social debt towards society for being part of a broken marriage.

She hated that I was moving onwards and upwards, because she wasn't.

So I'd get gloomy messages if I was committing the crime of sitting in the sunshine, or getting a new haircut: "oh, do you think YOU should be doing that?" Trying to induce guilt. She even wanted to get in on my new friendship groups so she could "warn them" about all the trauma I'd been through.

Been NC with her for YEARS and it's bliss.

lycheechoc Sun 11-May-14 14:52:02

PS Just to add the above "friend" did do practical things for me when I was first divorced - so of course I did have the emotional thing of "well, she did give me a place to crash, I don't want to be ungrateful and not value that".

But - even when I was crashing at hers - she seemed to enjoy the fact that it gave her the chance to have a nose and comment on every aspect of my life, in the guise of "giving advice and support".

It was horrible: I think of myself as fairly easy going and tolerant, but thinking back, she was literally rubbing her hands in glee that she had "got" me now, and that I was now "broken", and that she was now "above" me socially.

Vile, vile, vile.

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 14:56:04

She sounds as though she's imposing her own limitations on you and your family. I'm not sure she's the utter bitch she's being made out to be, more that she's frightened of the changes in your life because it means moving on. She's handling it very clumsily though.

eightyearsonhere Sun 11-May-14 14:58:02

Aghast, I think of course she sounds outrageous, and you are within your rights to end the friendship.
But, her comments are so clearly not actually about you at all.
They say something about her. I don't know what that something is, maybe you will figure it out, maybe you wont, but you have had a little glimpse into her soul and it is blacker than you expected.
So actually if it were me, I would not formally end the friendship. I would continue to have her as a friend, and would enjoy the comfort you can get from old friends that knew your husband so well. I would harden myself emotionally yes, no longer allow her to hurt you, don't share your feelings with her, don't rely on her. But still see her, be friendly, remember the good times, and keep her husband in your life too, that shared history cannot ever come again.
Really this was not about you, it was about her own unhappiness.
Has she always been jealous of you?
Were you the better looking one? The happier one? With the better marriage? The bigger house? Did she look at your DH and her DH and think she had the wrong end of the bargain? She should have ended up with your life?
It sounds like the past 3 years might be the first time she thought "Yes, one up on agast, my life is better than hers at last" and now to see you successfully moving out from those horrific early years of grief - might be too much for her to cope with.

By the way, has she apologised yet? Is she likely to do so?

I think I would think of her as a familiar dog who has bitten me - I wouldn't put him down, but I would never trust him again.

tribpot Sun 11-May-14 15:01:52

I can only echo what everyone else has said. I think I would let her know that you found her words incredibly hurtful and if she is unable to be supportive she should keep away.

You know, and your children know, that your DH would not want you to forego any happiness after the terrible loss you have suffered with his death.

As to age, you're the same age as Sandra Bullock, Courtney Cox and younger than Brad Pitt! You are in fine company and can do anything you bloody well please.

Bitofkipper Sun 11-May-14 15:03:56

What a clever, measured post from eightyearsonhere.
She has got it covered I think.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 11-May-14 15:04:49

She was silly for expressing herself the way she did. And the mastectomy comment was harsh, if not cruel. No matter how hard it is for her and her husband to come to terms with the loss of someone they loved and see you move on, you're the one who faced the ultimate loss and they need to support you if they wish to stay connected with you.

After a friend died, his widow started dating around a year or two after his death. It was weird hearing about her new relationships and I felt sad that my friend wasn't around to be living his life with her and their child but I absolutely would not expect her to put her life on hold and am encouraging of her new relationship. In some ways easier because whilst the friend who died was a good friend, he wasn't my best friend.

But, in all honesty if my best friend died and her husband moved on even after 3 years, I would find it so hard to accept someone else. I know that would be me being unreasonable and I would bite my lip. It would feel very very painful but I certainly wouldn't say what your friend said. I would still want to maintain my relationship with the family on behalf of my friend and keep my personal emotion in check. It would break my heart to see my friend's husband with anyone else but that would be my problem to deal with privately not my friend's husband.

She's not handling it well but her emotions are pretty conflicted, might be worth talking it through but realistically, if you're going to move on properly, you may have to accept that your relationship with your friend and her husband will change.

Such a tough situation for you but you must do what's right for you, you deserve to be happy and that's not being disloyal to your husband. She and her husband need to come to terms with that.

brdgrl Sun 11-May-14 15:08:42

I'm sorry, OP, that's really awful.

I suspect this is about her sense of control. She was able to 'look after' you in the immediate time after your husband's death. She doesn't want to lose that sense of herself. You are also disrupting a particular story of tragic loss which she is personally invested in.

My DH was a widower when we met. Some people were lovely and supportive of him developing a new relationship. Some were not. My in-laws had been close to his first wife, and had a very well established 'narrative' about her death and my husband's tragedy (in which they of course played key parts!).

At my wedding to DH, my FIL stood up and gave a speech about how everyone there should be thinking of First Wife and how wonderful she was.

(First Wife's best friend took me aside at our wedding reception to tell me that I must never feel awkward with him and that he was glad to see DH happy again, and I should never think that anyone was comparing me to First Wife - I think he knew I was feeling a bit traumatised by my FIL's speech!)

lycheechoc Sun 11-May-14 15:10:04

Not to encourage you to be paranoid, but perhaps you are lucky she HAS shown her hand, directly, now. Rather than as things progress.

I remember the beginning of the end for me with my toxic one was when I invited her to an event soon after my divorce: if I'm honest I didn't really want her there, but I felt I "owed" it to her, I pride myself on loyalty, I didn't want to be the kind of person who just drops people and moves on to better things.

She hung round with a cats bum face all the time, insisted someone gave her a lift home early, and she couldn't possibly eat any of the food others were eating.

She saw me chatting to a guy, and decided to "accidentally" join in the conversation and mention things about me to out him off (I still got asked on a date by him, I'm gawgeous like that, but the poison on her part was just vile).

If you decide to stay in touch, like eighty says be very, VERY wary about attempts to sabotage things for you, and any dates, and any new friends you make. Be careful what she says to them.

Trillions Sun 11-May-14 15:19:35

Your "friend" sounds horrible. What did she mean by "she wouldn't have bothered"?

Hissy Sun 11-May-14 17:05:50

I missed that 'wouldn't have bothered' comment on first read!

That really is scathing! How dare she!

This is the same kind of friend that undermines someone who's overweight from being thinner than her isn't it?

But much worse. Her comments about the mastectomy are just beyond unacceptable.

Wouldn't have bothered what exactly? angry

Were you friends only as a bi-product of your respective husbands jobs?

FiveExclamations Sun 11-May-14 17:08:54

Okay, so she and her DH had a very personal relationship with your DH. Perhaps what she isn't seeing is that it isn't really a burden for her/them to hold onto that relationship exactly as it was, there is no need to move on because people are expected to have lots of different friends, even if they regarded DH as a "best friend", other friends wont "replace" him as (in her head) your new boyfriend might.

It sounds like she's seeing your moving on in very black and white terms, as a betrayal of the love you had with your husband, which of course, it isn't.

I recall reading an article by a Psychiatrist when some celebrity became seriously involved with a new person within a year of their wife's death, the upshot was that it was completely natural for people who've had happy and successful relationships to seek that again.

The point of what I'm trying to say is that she may still be grieving for her friend because there is no pressing reason to move on from that grief, it's perfectly allowable for her and her DH to have other friends, her life in that regard has not stopped since his death so she's having an empathy failure at your desire to move on whilst still loving and missing your DH.

Also might she feel threatened by a new relationship? Maybe she thinks you will move away or develop a new circle of friends and she will lose the closeness you have had. It may be that she has been as reliant on the relationship as you have been.

Ewieindwie1 Sun 11-May-14 17:16:43

Those who have had the joy of a happy marriage or relationship do seek it out again, I've heard that too.

Your 'friend's' comments were designed to stop you making a new start. She must be very controlling and a little bit odd. You however sound bloody amazing. Good luck with the dating and laugh in the face of the ex friend.

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 17:33:31

I missed the 'wouldn't have bothered' bit too! Good grief...

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 18:11:03

I am really grateful for all the support it has helped me feel better about the situation. On reflection I feel maybe she always was the 'outsider' DH, her DH and I were at uni together and lived together after uni until DH and I got married. We stayed close and it was through DH they ended up living here. I suppose she enjoyed on a certain level being needed. However I will be always be grateful for her help at a terrible time and I don't feel she is a bad person just perhaps not the right friend for now. Her DH texted me earlier asking how last night went so I don't think she has told him about our conversation. He seems very cool about it, even mentioning the night I met DH and was so drunk I kept on saying orgasm instead of organism.....sad but true!

sarinka Sun 11-May-14 18:55:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab Sun 11-May-14 19:00:59

If she had known you would get over your husband's death she wouldn't have bothered what?

onlyjoking Sun 11-May-14 19:19:31

Sorry your DH died and that you've had such a nasty response from her.
The real people who matter in this are yourself and your children.
I know you have a shared history, one you probably don't want to lose as they are a link to your DH and the shared memories.
I think a little distance may help.
People can be strange about widows, on the one hand they say, isn't it time you moved on, then when you do, they say, it's a bit soon to be moving on.
I was widowed almost 6 years ago, I started seeing someone 18 months afterwards, I could filter out the unimportant people by their reaction.
Most people were, and still are happy for me. The ones who said, you couldn't have loved your DH if you're over him so quickly etc, are the ones I have no need for.
With regards to the comment about your mastectomy, that was plain nasty and further highlights her shallowness. You are allowed to be happy.
So when's the next date?

Stalinssister Sun 11-May-14 20:16:18

She sounds horrible. Even if she was helpful to you, she has no right to rain on your parade now.

I hope this relationship works out for you. Of course you deserve to be happy. As others have said, it is you and your children who are important here, not this person who isn't actually your friend.

I was widowed six years ago. It is very hard, and if the chance of happiness comes along you should take advantage of it. Your husband would have wanted you to be happy, I know it is hard but try not to worry about her and what she thinks, I agree with Onlyjoking that a bit of distance may be a very good thing now.

FantasticButtocks Sun 11-May-14 21:06:15

if she had known I would get over DH ( I never will) so quickly she wouldn't have bothered <That stood out in your OP for me, Agggghast. Nasty.

Does this mean she wouldn't have bothered being supportive?
She wouldn't have bothered being your friend?
She wouldn't have bothered giving you the time of day?

Speechless about the mastectomy comment… angry

Will you tell her DH/your friend what she said, do you think? I'm not surprised she didn't tell him about your conversation, it would not really show her in a very good/caring compassionate light towards his old uni friend (you) - she should be ashamed of herself.

sonjadog Sun 11-May-14 21:19:40

I think she liked it better when you were sad and she could be comforting you. I realised recently that I have a "friend" like this. I've recently come out of a depressive phase and he is always trying to bring me down and make me feel sad again. I realised he actually likes sad me better than happy me. Too bad for him.

Three years is plenty of time. As long as your kids are okay, then no-one else should get a say. About six months after my dad died, my mum made a comment about it being odd never to be in a romantic relationship ever again. My immediate response was that she should go out and meet men if she wanted and if she met a man then I'd be pleased for her. You want people you love to be happy.

Botanicbaby Sun 11-May-14 21:49:49

gosh OP even if your 'closest' friend was indeed grieving for your DH too given that he was such a major part of all your lives, I just cannot see past the comments about your mastectomy/dating/that she wouldn't have bothered if she'd know how 'quickly' you'd got over your DH.

so insensitive, so cruel and incredibly hurtful. this person is not coming across as a good friend. helping a good friend through a difficult time is what we do to our friends, without ever expecting any obligation in return.

whether it has been three years or not it neither here nor there, what matters is what is right for you. am sorry for your loss and I wish you well and hope you have a great next date.

Your DC sound amazing, as do you.

Musicaltheatremum Sun 11-May-14 21:56:47

Aggghast, congratulations on the date. Must have been very nerve wracking for you. It is a really hard decision to date again after such a long marriage. (2 years since my husband died and we were married 24 years 265 days so similar to you.) what a very strange thing to say from your friend. Life does to on. You never ever "get over" it but you have to live again. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Darkesteyes Sun 11-May-14 22:07:32

The mastectomy comment is downright evil.
My DH is in poor health and I already know that if something should happen to him I would get the same shit from my DM.

I think there is a huge difference in society in the way widows and widowers are treated. Widows seem to be expected to don sack cloth and ashes forever and a day. My mums best friend and my godmother is Italian as is my mum and whenever a relative or partner died they had to wear black for a year.
Whereas with widowers dating again there seems to be nowhere near as much condemnation as there is with widows dating again.
I wonder if there is just a little bit of internalized misogyny going on with your "friend" OP.
You've been through so much and im glad things are getting brighter for you thanks

daisychain01 Mon 12-May-14 05:13:13

I genuinely think that when someone loses their life partner it is impossible to express the way it rips your heart out to people who don't have the empathy to understand.

When I lost my DH very suddenly 7 years ago (literally no warning, one minute here, next gone) it knocked me for six. I battled through the blackness and thank goodness I did, because it led me to my DP who has given me a life of joy and closeness I never thought I would be blessed with again. He is so respectful to the memory of my DH, so empathetic. If I had listened to anyone's judgements about "too soon" or "going through the grief cycle" like it's not OK one week, one month, then flick a switch and its all fine, you can move on now, I would not be with DP now!

agggast if a close friend had said to me what your's said to you, I would really question their intentions as a friend. I cannot think of a situation when those comments would ever be acceptable.

I believe in the notion of moving forward not moving on. I hope you find great happiness and wonderful new experiences with the uniqueness of the relationship with your new companion x

daisychain01 Mon 12-May-14 05:18:24

I feel such a sense of comfort reading people's experiences on this thread. When DH died the most stark emotion was that of loneliness, and the thought That nobody I knew could understand, because we were all too young - and yet so many people do go through it of course.

If only I had known about MN back then!

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