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the ultimate betrayal - you were all right - think im in shock

(44 Posts)
piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 18:22:43

DH told me this morning he has had an affair - I think i'm in shock -I cant believe that he has done this to me. He has lied to everyone.
to cut a long story short I posted 3days before Xmas that he had come out with the "no longer loves me"- we got through xmas but by end of jan I had had enough & got him to leave. Midway through feb I found out he was majorly depressed & having a breakdown - he came home so i could look after him as he wasnt eating or sleeping & was a mess.
Today he tells me he has been having an affair with an employee that started before xmas & that he ended mid feb. He is the boss.
so after getting him over the worst of his depression & hearing him tell me he had wanted to end his life he goes on his first work meeting -ends up having dinner with her & doesnt come home when he says he will.
Today when I instigate a talk he tells me this & then tells me OW DH had phoned him yesterday basically threatening to tell me.

I dont really know why im posting on here as i know you are all going to tell me to get him to leave. i was so angry with him this morning I made him phone my DF & FIL to tell them that he had lied. They are both telling me not to act rashly. I have spent the day doing the garden - the kids know - in a moment of anger i said i would be better off if he had done something to himself - i have had to refrain from posting on OW twitter account.

I really dont know what I am going to do - i have even thought of taking revenge in a one night stand - just so I can tell him it made me feel good.
I just can't believe he has done this - 20 years married this year - infact i know what i am doing i dont want to believe it as i think i may fall apart

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers Sat 03-May-14 18:26:39

thanks and wine Very sorry he's putting you through this.

Terrortree Sat 03-May-14 18:31:00

So sorry love, that really sucks.

miramar Sat 03-May-14 18:34:07

I think I remember your earlier thread.

Tell him (don't ask) to leave. Have some time on your own. You won't be able to think properly with him there.

thanks

DrankSangriaInThePark Sat 03-May-14 18:36:09

What a piece of shit.

If it ended in February then why is the OW's husband threatening him now. That is the first question you deserve an answer to. (Although I think we can all guess......February my arse)

He had a breakdown. Well, diddums. And he came home to be looked after. Ain't that sweet. He has you right where he wants you for sure.

Why on earth are you getting him to ring your parents? Aren't you adults yourselves to deal with this?

He is still fucking this OW .It never stopped. Is probably the nearest to the truth you will get. And she is his employee? How squalid.

Get angry. Get very angry. With HIM. Not with the OW, she isn't worth your thoughts.

oldgrandmama Sat 03-May-14 18:37:47

You poor thing - yes, TELL him to go. Easier to think with him out of the house, as miramar says ^^

MrsDiesel Sat 03-May-14 18:39:32

I would ask him to leave while you have space to think this through. Don't rush into any descions and remember you can change your mind if you want to.

how is he behaving now? Is hs begging you to forgive him or trying to offload responsibility?

Pinkballoon Sat 03-May-14 18:50:33

Sounds like he's lying. If you want (or need) to know the facts, then perhaps speak to her husband. If he's been threatening your husband, then there must be some basis for this (unless she's suddenly decided to confess to him months afterwards?) You'll probably get more out of her husband than you will your husband.

But please be prepared, if you do speak to him. Sometimes its not nice to hear the facts and realise how hoodwinked you've been. But at least it will allow you to get to a position where you can make a decision about what you want, much quicker than trying to drag out of your husband what happened (and he will obviously gloss over a few things!)

Allowing you to look after him during his breakdown was pretty despicable behaviour.

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 18:51:08

i dont think i have the strength to get him to leave it nearly broke me last time round - I am on Ads & was on sleeping tablets for a month - i have even been going to the drs with him supporting him through his depression. I dont even want to speak to him to tell him to go. I just cant believe he has done this - i asked him so many times if there was someone else - i even asked him if he liked someone - we were work collegues - i told him i would take him for everything hes got if i found out he was lying and here we are.

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 18:52:27

just to clarify we were work colleagues before we got involved both seeing other people

Minion100 Sat 03-May-14 18:54:08

thanks I'm so sorry to hear that.

Does it at least bring some sort of answers to you? As in reasons why he behaved the way he did at Christmas?

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 18:56:36

pinkBalloon - ive asked for the facts - hes given them to me - also said i wanted to speak to OW DH but wouldnt give me tel no - sent text instead saying i wanted to speak to him.

i think OW is leaving her DH she told him back in mid feb & although they were trying to sort things they havent worked out - so DH tells me.

IWillIfHeWill Sat 03-May-14 18:56:43

just keep breathing and see what pans out. do what you feel moved to do.

its about survival at the moment. you might want him, you might not. if you don't, you'll need legal advice as soon as you are able.

you don't need to know any more detail, do you? why torture yourself?

Pinkballoon Sat 03-May-14 18:59:22

But he must have known that you were on ADs and sleeping tablets because of his behaviour? Yet still didn't confess to the affair?

The only blessing I suppose is that you now know that you can trust your instincts, as your instincts were obviously telling you that something was very wrong.

Think I would contact the husband and get all the facts (I'm sure he won't hold back) and then make my decision.

EEasterChick Sat 03-May-14 19:04:37

How awful for you. I'm so sorry.

Though hard right now I do think he has to move out, you won't be able to think straight otherwise. Have you got any RL support, someone who could stay and support you and DCs? You meed to think of your needs right now, he has had you focussing on him for far too long.

Get some space, breathing room. Take it a day at a time at the moment. ((Hugs)) and flowers

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 19:07:51

yes he knew about the ads & sleeping tablets - i had to get him here one day to look after kids as i was a mess

i wanted the facts - i want to know exactly what i am dealing with

I want to speak to OWDH to make sure he's still not lying - why i dont know but he hasnt replied to text & DH wont give me tell no.

i have deliberately not asked him to leave as last time i made him go - i want to see what he does - why again i dont really know - just dont feel ready to deal with the fallout all over again

& yes it is a blessing knowing that i was right & that he is a utter B!

Pinkballoon Sat 03-May-14 19:08:22

Unfortunately, you probably won't be able to believe much of what your husband says, as he is obviously going to have to cover up stuff that he's done in the hope of reconciling with you (and not upsetting you.)

My exP told me that the OW 1. didn't exist (a figment of my imagination smile then 2. existed, but he couldn't get rid of her. I contacted the OW and she said he'd been booking holidays for them both only a few days previously. They just lie.

I think the fact that he watched you going on to ADs and sleeping tablets because of his behaviour, and at no stage had the integrity to just sit you down and say "Look its not you, its me having an affair" is just despicable. And allowing you to nurse him through his breakdown because of their relationship ending in February.

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 19:12:57

he has said he is sorry - sounds so inadequate -but there is nothing he can say at the moment but there is one thing i have asked him to do & this will tell me exactly how sorry he is - but cant go into detail on here

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 19:22:10

i was already on Ads but had to up the dose - and agree about his behaviour. HIs DM died back in July and thought this was all part of his breakdown etc.

Now i know why he was so reluctant to come back when he was ill & i was saying no pressure to talk about us just get you well

i am trying hard not to act in anger this time - how do i get this all sorted when i feel like i want nothing more to do with him ever but will have to have some contact because of the kids

DrankSangriaInThePark Sat 03-May-14 19:36:49

What does he want? (not that he gets to choose, but why has he told you this today?) Is it because the OW is leaving her husband for yours?

You should be bloody angry my love. You've been taken for a ride big time.

Pinkballoon Sat 03-May-14 19:43:06

Think you need to get the full picture before you make any decisions. Sequence of events etc. I remained very calm, spoke to OW and wrote down dates etc that she gave me, and checked against his emails and texts from those times. Started to see all the patterns. It's whether you can stomach all the lies and deceit. TBH, I couldn't bare the sight of him after all of it. He just looked weak and sleazy.

Corygal Sat 03-May-14 19:49:48

He's a nasty little shit. Get shot of him now and take time to make decisions once he's left.

Norest Sat 03-May-14 20:04:08

Sorry are you saying you met your Dh when you were working with him and you were both seeing other people? I.e you met via an affair?

And now he has done it again?

It seems from one of your posts you are.

I do feel sympathy. For anyone who had been cheated on. Hurts a lot.

miramar Sat 03-May-14 20:04:35

He's been gaslighting you for months. Of course it feels scary to make decisions for yourself. He had you trained to disbelieve yourself.

He has lied until he was forced -by a third party- to disclose something. You asking the question wasn't enough, he had to be threatened to tell you anything. He is not overcome by remorse and sorry for hurting you. He is sorry he got caught. He had been lying to you for so long that it's a hard habit to break. Even if he wants to. He is used to telling you whatever he wants you to believe.

Who sent the text to the other husband? If him, why? He should no longer have the enjoyment of being in control and deciding what to tell each supporting actor in his story.

Honestly, if you could get him out of the house you'd feel so much better. Each time you see him must be a reminder of his lies and disrespect. Anyone in your position, living with a partner who behaves as he had, would be at risk of depression. It seeks unlikely he's gone from being supportive to having an affair in the last 6 months. Maybe he's been unsupportive for a long time and that's linked to your longer-term depression.

Cabrinha Sat 03-May-14 22:32:57

What's wrong with making a decision in anger? It's probably the truest decision.
Whatever your thing you won't share that proves how sorry he is... he doesn't care enough about your marriage to give you the OW's husband's number.
I don't think you should speak to him anyway,
Your husband is a shit, a liar and a cheat. A user too.
Nothing the other man can say that's going to make him any more worth kicking out than he already is.
Come on...
You think you'll fall apart again kicking him out? You'll end up in a worse place if you stay with him.

piginpoo Sat 03-May-14 22:55:35

norest it wasnt really an affair - we ended other relationships before anything happened.

pinkballoon luckily enough i have a habit of writing all my thoughts down when going through a stressful period so have been looking at what was going on - i really dont know what i feel but reading some of my old thoughts I had questioned several times an OW. Also apparent how many opportunities i had given him to come clean.

miramar i am concerned he only told me when threatened by OW DH and yes he sent text. i am suspicious why he is not letting me have number unless he gets permission from OW DH - i think he is acting more out of something for her rather than me. He is visibly distressed,wracked with guilt & hates himself for all the lies he has told and I am not sure what this is going to do to him re his recovery of breakdown. DD has told him she hates him & what he has done is disgusting.

i have come across the gaslighting before and funnily enough passive aggressive personality was something that cropped up for him previously - although he denies this - as he would.

right now im not really sure what i feel - im switching between anger that hes done this and pity and in between just empty.

Terrortree Sun 04-May-14 01:03:57

"OW DH had phoned him yesterday basically threatening to tell me."

Please forgive my brutality, but I am not sure of this at all. I suspect he needs to blame someone else for dropping this bombshell.

It reads as 'I couldn't help but tell you because I'm being victimised: I wouldn't be inflicting this hurt on you, but someone is making me'.

Sorry but he is not the victim but the perpetrator. Whatever is compelling him, he has done an awful lot of damage already, and this latest news is just another act by him to you.

About time you chucked him out to deal with the real world wouldn't you say? If after having some breathing space, you wish to reunite - then go for it.

If you want a good read then I recommend 'Detach and Survive' by 'Wives of Midlife Crisis Men'.

ravenmum Sun 04-May-14 07:51:45

I'm in the same position as you but with a slight difference, in that my husband did not tell me. Like you I thought that my husband was depressed after his mother's death. Well, now I found the password to the email account he used with his new love, and that has been revealing. His mother died at the end of January 2013, and he met this woman two weeks later. They started going to hotels to have sex in April. All that time I was thinking about his mother's death when I saw him looking sad, he was sending emails to this woman saying in some detail what he wanted to do to her. I thought he was consumed with sadness and hardly able to function all those months, and was worried about him and trying to get him to work less. But in reality he was arranging holidays with her and talking about their favourite songs. When he was with me, I have no doubt that he felt bad: I thought he was consumed with grief, but in fact he was consumed with guilt around me. I asked him in July why he was acting so strangely and he angrily said "You know why!" as if I was a bitch to think it could be anything other than his mother's death that he was thinking about. You may need to reconsider/ reinterpret your husband's past behaviour.

piginpoo Sun 04-May-14 07:59:59

thanks for all the replies - this is helping me get some clarity in my mind even though i had to resort to the ST last night to get some sleep.

Beleive me I am angry and yes he is a shit a liar & cheat & user too & add coward to the list - probably more.

I havent got to the bottom of the OW's DH telephone number yet but I will -
Im not completely convinced by what he has told me around this.

As for making him go - I have 2 concerns the first is him tipping back into breakdown - the 2nd he will go to OW despite what he has told me.

I am not going to make it that easy for him - if thats where he wants to go he is going to have to do this on his own - if I kick him out and yes I am angry enough to do it the kids will see again that it is me making him leave and he can convince himself he had no choice - im not giving that to him hes going to have to do it knowingly and the kids will be fully aware of what he is doing.

HE can go elsewhere if he wants but again he is going to have to make that move - I am doing no more for him.

As for staying here he is going to have to jump through hoops just for that and I shall be making several demands on him. He has said he wants to make everything right -whether this is guilt speaking or not i dont know.

I cant speak of a future i can only speak of right now & take it a day at a time and how far that progresses depends on how he reacts. One thing I do know is my gut instinct has always been spot on so I shall be paying far more attention to that from now on.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 04-May-14 08:08:34

Sorry to hear your situation.

I think making him go for now is the better course though.

If he goes to her then that tells you everything, doesn't it?
If he gets depressed, as he did last time when you bailed him, then it's his problem.

Let your children see a strong woman not letting herself be walked over.

ravenmum Sun 04-May-14 08:32:55

Shame you can't read his emails like me; not nice but definitely an antidote to worrying about his breakdown!

MargotThreadbetter Sun 04-May-14 08:51:04

So if you allow him to stay, what kind of environment will your kids be living in? They already know what he's done and it's already affected your daughter.
Do you want her to think of you as strong or weak?
He's been taking the piss royally for ages - sorry to be so blunt, but you need to read other threads where wives have allowed their cheating husbands to stay and regretted it.

piginpoo Sun 04-May-14 09:59:56

its over ive told him to go he wrestled me for his phone when i tried to grab it & and he forgot to tell me he still loves her
that gut instinct proved right

MargotThreadbetter Sun 04-May-14 10:06:58

You have done the right thing OP.
Whether you want to work through this eventually or not, you need space from him at the moment. His 'depression' - funny, not belittling MH problems at all, but a friend's husband suddenly developed a MH issue on discovery of his affair which pretty much got him off the hook hmm
Take this time to get counselling, re-evaluate everything and support your kids. Best of luck

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 04-May-14 10:08:16

Oh how painful. thanks

Let him go. He's turned into a lying, cheating mess. You can't help him out of this one.

Take care of yourself now.

piginpoo Sun 04-May-14 10:11:06

thanks all he has def been struggling but i think its the guilt of what he has done that has caused this-and not being able to face up to it.

it will be one day at a time - poor kids they are devastated & im not sure how this is going to affect them

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 04-May-14 10:31:46

If you don't kick him out - then you will forever be unable to trust him and will never get off the ADs.

This hell will never end if you just keep calm and carry on. You need a fresh start.

mummytime Sun 04-May-14 10:35:05

You will get through this! Take all the help you can.
If he has a breakdown - remember its not your fault, and you can't mend him (it didn't work last time).

The children will be upset, but a clean break is better (a bit like ripping a plaster off). Long term they can come through this fine, just work towards that goal. Do tell their school and ask school for support.

Think about yourself and your children, do something nice for you all.
Keep eating and drinking fluids. Look after yourself.

You will survive!

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 12:21:14

He's not struggling due to guilt, he's struggling due to not being able to have his cake and eating it!

If her were feeling guilty in the slightest, he'd have come clean when he saw you buckling with the AD/sleeping tablets.

He broke down due to ending his affair, and he expected you to put him back together. Despite it being him that broke it all.

There are special words reserved for people like him, but I actually can't think of any words bad enough myself, every swear word I know just doesn't cover it.

Hissy Sun 04-May-14 12:23:17

Your kids will be fine. He is the one that did all this, remember.

Keep posting, keep breathing, do nothing. Things will get better.

Shedwood Sun 04-May-14 12:52:49

So sorry that you're going through this.

Just remember when you're talking it through with your DC the words you use can make a huge difference.

So you did not "kick him out" your ExDH broke the vows of your marriage, and when a marriage is broken the husband and wife can no longer live together, it was his choice to do that, not yours. You kept your vows, and honoured them and your marriage, he did not - the fault for the marriage break up lays squarely on his shoulders.

Remember that, and ensure you describe it in a way to your kids so they fully understand this was his doing, his choice and that you are hurting as much as they are. It sounds like your children are old enough to understand that.

The last thing you need on top of everything is your Ex trying to lay the blame at your door.

LifeMovesOn Sun 04-May-14 12:55:13

The only reason my ex-DH confessed about his affair to me was because the OW's partner of 20 years has found out and threatened to tell me.

Once that happens you have to looks at it not that they're so sorry that they felt the need to confess/own up/purge their soul, but they realised the crap they were in and protecting themselves.

Think long and hard as to why you haven't yet thrown this worthless person out - because believe me, you are worth so much more as are your DC's.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But you will get through it.

DrankSangriaInThePark Sun 04-May-14 15:40:50

Sorry OP, but I think we had all realised (before you sadly) that that was the actual scenario. It was still going on, the OW's husband found out, and as we see on many threads in reversal about this when a MNer wants to ring the OWs husband and tell him, the OW's husband wanted to tell you what your disgusting excuse of a husband has been up to.

It has all come out because he was planning to go to her all along.

Now stop this worrying about him having another breakdown. If he does (and I doubt he really had one last time, guilt, and getting found out when you're fucking another man's wife can probably be dressed up quite nicely as a "breakdown") then his new woman can sort him out.

You concentrate on yourself, and the children. flowers

Fuckhimandhisfatbelly Sun 04-May-14 15:55:38

op I feel for you. My dp told me he didn't love me anymore and walked out, out of the blue. I'm still in shock. He has previously had a breakdown many years before he met me and every one is suspecting another one. At first I was worried for him but now I'm mad. I could strangle him with bare hands.

I apparently depress him. News to me! He was sending I love you text two days before he fucked off .

I suspect an OW.

Horrible horrible feeling, I bet you sick to your stomach .

flowers

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