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I am an awful person

(54 Posts)
JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:21:38

I'm going through my 5th MC. Had scan yesterday that dp couldn't make as work couldn't spare him ( Story of our relationship! I advise people to never get involved with someone in the emergency services)
So found out that i'm loosing twins and that i'm further along by 2 Weeks than I thought.
Went down to his work (often do to drop off cake or something) he was out on a call and I ended up crying on a poor new guy who had never seen Mr before. Bless him he was sweet - carried me into the crew room, kicked the other guys out, gave me tissues, tea and a biscuit and told me to take my time and he'd be just outside the door if I needed him.
I went home afteran hour but realised it might get back to dp so called and told him in a voicemail rather than wait for him to get home.
He texted later to say he needed time to get his head around things, he'd go for a walk after work, be home late, I should go to bed, we'd chat in the morning. So I spent the day alone, scared and in pain.
I heard him come in smelling of beer at 3am. Let him sleep til 8 then thought I'd make coffee to get him up with. But there is loads of zombie nation stuff on the table. Googled it and it seems he spent last night running around London being chased by people dressed as zombies with a group of people from work. Needless to say I was upset, so asked him about it and he said "just because you can't hold a pregnancy doesn't mean I can't have fun once in a while"
And I snapped.
And I slapped him sad not hard but still a slap. that's the first time i've done anything like that. Never even sworn at him before sad I feel devastated at my own behaviour.
I grabbed the dog (cos carry a 5st dog while your MCing and only weigh 7st 7 yourself is a really smart thing to do.) And i'm now sitting with my horse and dog in a stable in my pjs.
I know I shouldn't have snapped but what he did was mean and what he said broke my heart.
He's called me and left a message saying he doesn't think that at all, it just slipped out, he's sorry, can I forgive him, and made a joke about the 1ft height difference and being amazed I could even reach to slap him.
can't believe I slapped him.
What do I do? Other people will be here soon and will think I've lost the plot if they see me like this sad

MatureUniStudentGraduated Fri 02-May-14 09:27:32

Awwww you poor poor thing. Not going to judge just hand out sympathy. What a rotten time for you.

RoaringTiger Fri 02-May-14 09:28:34

Wow I don't think your awful love. You was wrong to slap him but what he said was uncalled for. The only one who sounds awful from your op is your dp. I'm disgusted he went out after work rather than coming home to support you, yes he's grieving too but that is just cold. Is he normally so unsupportive?

pointythings Fri 02-May-14 09:28:37

I think you need to apologise to your DH, but he also needs to be a lot more serious about the impact of what he said to you - that was brutally insensitive and making jokes about it just isn't on. Staying away getting drunk whilst you were miscarrying is also not on.

The two of you also need to pull together - your DH will be feeling the loss just as much as you are, but may find it very hard to express that around you as he may feel he has to be 'the strong one'. You're both going to have to sit down and talk honestly about how you both feel, and listen to what the other person is saying.

For now I think you should have a hot bath/shower and make yourself a lovely cup of tea - you need to look after yourself now, not because of what people will think but because you deserve it. Good luck.

bragmatic Fri 02-May-14 09:32:45

I think it was pretty unfeeling to go off and have a jolly with his mates while you were miscarrying.

What to do now? Well you're both sorry. So, if you love him, and he loves you, then you talk and get through it together.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:35:46

He's normally great but with each MC he's gets more distant, then when the worst is over he carrys on as normal and is lovely again.
I've texted to say i'm sorry for slapping him.
think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was. And he lied. Maybe if he'd said he wanted to relieve some stress I could have understood. But he lied and encouraged me to go to sleep so I wouldn't know what time he came in.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:39:10

But what if he says something and I snap again? I grew up with my uncle hitting my aunt - what if its a genetic link and I hit him again?
I know it sounds so silly but I rely hate violence and I've done it once, what if I do it again?

Appletini Fri 02-May-14 09:43:37

I think you have both been through a really awful and heartbreaking experience and sometimes when things are shit, things go to shit.

Agree that you need to take care and rest.

Appletini Fri 02-May-14 09:45:01

I also think counselling would be a very good idea to help you work through everything you mention here.

It won't be a generic link. You may have reactions based on things you've witnessed but those can be changed.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

FWIW I do not think you would hit him again. I think you slapped this man of yours purely out of sheer emotional pain and out of also wanting some proper acknowledgement from him. Your man has handled all this pain of his own really badly by going off and getting drunk and has said things that cannot be easily undone. He has far more to do in terms of apologising to my mind.

"think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was"
Well if you are referring to the person at his workplace, he was indeed nicer to you. That man's actions towards you is how normally healthy men behave when they see a woman in distress.

You certainly need further support and if you have not already done so I would speak to the Miscarriage Association, their helpline number is 01924 200 799 (they are there till 4pm today).

TheSlagOfSnacks Fri 02-May-14 09:49:38

He behaved like an absolute wanker. I know this won't be popular but I think I would've reacted the same way if DP spoke like that to me under those circs.

Poor you. I've had an MC and I know how heartbreaking and awful it is.

This will sound vindictive but I wouldn't be too quick to forgive him. He lied about needing to stay out late to 'get his head round things' when he was really getting pissed and having a nice time with his mates.

And then he has the insensitivity to imply that your MCs are spoiling his fun.

Twat.

AlfAlf Fri 02-May-14 09:58:53

Of course you shouldn't have hit him, but you were pushed to your absolute limits. He should have been there with you as soon as he could. And what he said was appalling. I think just a really difficult situation for you both, but you will get through this. Apologise for hitting him, but you deserve an apology too.
I'm sorry about your babies xx
Bless you.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 10:07:55

Thank you for the phone number - I'll call them later.
I'm about to go home to talking things through. Will put a brave face on and see what he has to say before I jump in grovelling. I've been thinking and I know its prob petty but i'm always the first to apologise. What he said really hurt. I will apologise but want him to understand how much he hurt me and apologise first rather than following my apology with a "im sorry too" which is what normally gets said.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 10:08:46

I can't for the life of me imagine a DP going off on a jolly doing his zombie stuff while his partner is suffering a mc.

You regret slapping him - under extreme provocation true, but still not the way to go about things - he could have retaliated, it might have escalated. It is not necessarily the start of a pattern but I think the events of last night and this morning are signs there's something wrong with your relationship.

Slutbucket Fri 02-May-14 10:14:50

You are human be kind to yourself. You had suffered a trauma by yourself and what he said was probably the most hurtful thing somebody could say in that situation. We are not robots and he pushed you to the limits. So sorry about your loss.

Slutbucket Fri 02-May-14 10:16:50

You've apologized by text but no more. The ball his in his court. He said an absolutely terrible thing and you slapping him is a side issue.

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 10:19:14

Do call the Miscarriage Association... or join us in the miscarriage threads here in MN

I have had 5 as well and I know how hard it is, especially also hard for men to process as we get offered counselling and nothing for the dads.

you are not awful to slapping him and he isn't awful for lying... it's bad, both things, but each person handles things differently.

on one of my mc (can't remember which) i went on a blow out of booze and forbidden foods...

hope you feel better soon

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 02-May-14 10:22:25

Don't obsess on your reaction to his horrendous cruelty.

He prioritised going out and having fun with acquaintances over supporting you when you most needed it. And lied about it.

And what he said to you was unforgivable.

So sorry for your losses. flowers

MrsAtticus Fri 02-May-14 10:27:59

This just sounds like a really difficult situation for you both, so sorry for what you are going through. You both behaved wrongly (but understandably given circumstances), it sounds like he understands why you slapped him and forgives you, and perhaps in the context of a very stressful situation his behaviour is forgiveable too? That's for you to decide, but sounds like you need eachother right now.
I had 3 miscarriages and I know it does put strain on a relationship at many levels. My DH ended up not wanting to try any more as he didn't feel he could lose any more babies.

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 10:34:56

he said a nasty thing, you did a nasty thing, call it quits. You are both suffering here, things are not normal, you cannot extrapolate how you both reacted in this situation with normal life.

Was it his way of dealing with this? Or was he being a thoughtless, selfish bellend? I don't know and can't tell, but I can tell you that in all of my MCs DH was there with me - I think for him the situation, at that point, was about me, what was physically happening to me (the last 2, post-DD, were pretty awful), he didn't think about the loss right then.

Talk it through with him. You both need to help and support each other, both right now and going forward.

Armadale Fri 02-May-14 10:35:18

OP I hope you have got home, got warm and got a cup of tea.

I'm so sorry to hear about your MC's

I have had 5 on the run too, so I have an inkling about what it does to you sad

How is your relationship with DH generally?

"think part of the problem is that a guy I'd never met before was nicer to me than dp was" this is a bit of a worry, isn't it.

Would you say your DH is a good man who is struggling to cope, or would you not think that?

"With each MC he's gets more distant, then when the worst is over he carrys on as normal and is lovely again."

Perhaps this is just his very shit way of coping? I think often the DH feels they have to soldier on, but can't really cope to do so.

You know you shouldn't have slapped him, just as you know he shouldn't have gone out on the piss, lied and then said a really really horrible goady thing to you. You both need to apologise at some point, and then perhaps admit you aren't coping with the amount of pain you have to carry?

Perhaps you could look into some counselling? I am having some at the moment and it is really helping.

I decided that the outcome I could cope with least was to end up without a baby, so therefore the best course of action for me was to carry on getting pregnant (and losing them) as often as I could in the time I have left to conceive. (I know other women might reach entirely different decisions and decide to stop or have a break for a while, not trying to say my way was right, only that it was right for me iyswim)

But this course of action has meant no real time to grieve or recover mentally. What I am dealing with in the counselling is the fact that all that grief and loss is still there and needs to come out. My DH has thrown himself into his work, partly by necessity as I am hardly bringing any income in, and partly to distract himself, I think, but he is now realising that he also needs some help in this regard.

You are NOT an awful person.

siiiiiiiiigh Fri 02-May-14 10:41:51

He went out to let off some steam. That's ok, try not to be too harsh on him - if he's been supportive in the past it's possible that he just, briefly, ran out of "give".

Just like you ran out of "acceptance". That's ok.

What matters is that you can forgive each other, and, move forward as a couple who understands each other and loves each other.

I'm presuming that he HAS been supportive previously...

I'm very sorry for your losses <hug>

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 11:37:42

Well we had a talk and it turns out that the problem is something I could not have guessed.
He's a paramedic and he can't stand to see me in physical pain or see me loose blood. He wanted to be out and miss "the main event". I assumed he was fine with it as he's seen awful sights ect and assumed blood wouldn't bother him.
He broke down crying saying seeing my blood is different and he couldn't cope if anything happened to me. When I MCed at 15 Weeks I lost a lot of blood and needed iv fluids and transfusions. I never knew but he stayed awake the whole time at the hosp to monitor me as he didn't trust anyone else to do it. I was in hosp for 4 and a half days and he didn't sleep and only left to eat when I was awake and he'd put the buzzer in my hand and my phone set up so all I had to do was push one button and it would call him. I assumed he was going in and out, I wasn't really with it so just assumed he was out when I was asleep. He couldn't watch that happen again so he left last night. He said this morning he was ashamed at leaving me and struck out with his words, he thought seeming mean was better than looking like a coward (his words).
We've both said sorry and things are better. But don't know how to deal with his fear of seeing my blood. Last time I passed out and it was him who found me. stopping that from happening again is out of my power sad

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 12:04:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Armadale Fri 02-May-14 12:19:40

Maisie I have reported your post.

I am just aghast at both the crassness and level of ignorance in your suggestions to the OP as to the 'carrying' stage.

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 12:26:22

Reporting Maisie as well... yes dear wholesome food helps... how did I not guess, my 5 mcs must have been because I was drinking a bottle of wine every day and having a battered pizza 3 times a day...

DenzelWashington Fri 02-May-14 12:26:26

Maisie), I don't want to sound harsh because I think your post was kindly meant, but it was badly misjudged. It could greatly upset the OP. Would you please consider asking MN to remove it? Happy to say more by PM if you want.

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 12:28:28

OP I am glad you talked to him and it's out in the open

Each person reacts differently and i am glad he was honest with you...

you can't help it, but maybe there is some joint counselling you could go on? help him come to grips with the situation?

LittleMisslikestobebythesea Fri 02-May-14 12:31:40

Maisie trust me as someone who has had 2 miscarriages, its all you think about. What could I have done differently? Even though I was told by medical professionals that there is nothing you can do, and its not your fault.

Your post is unhelpful, I know people who take folic acid and eat healthily and have miscarriages, I also know people who don't change their lifestyle at all and carry a healthy child.

OP I am sorry for your loses thanks don't be to hard on yourself.

PicardyThird Fri 02-May-14 12:36:02

With you, Armadale. Maisie, how dare you, how very dare you imply that she is having these mc because of something she has done or not done.

OP, I am so sorry. I have had 6 mcs and if my dh made the 'just because you can't hold a pregnancy' comment to me, we would be over, tbh, I think. Whatever his response to your blood and suffering is - which tbh I am not quite convinced by as an explanation. He can hold it together at work, can't he? And you have to suffer it and hold it together each time, don't you?

You did a bad thing, he said a terrible thing. You seem inclined to forgive each other and I wish you all the luck in the world with a future pg. have you had any investigations?

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 02-May-14 12:39:17

Hello

So sorry to hear about what you and your DP are going through, JokersGiggle.

Maisie0 We're sure you didn't mean to, but the last bit of your post was upsetting a lot of people so we've zapped it now.

Tinkleybison Fri 02-May-14 12:47:55

God - you poor thing!

I know the script for this kind of scenario is that hitting it totally unacceptable, but I think you had a very understandable lapse of self control in horrible circumstances, and while its not ideal I can sympathise hugely with the pressure.

What your DP said was incredibly cruel - maybe if he is in general a good person you can find a way to forgive each other?

Second what another poster said about counselling too - you must be experiencing intolerable stress after 5 mc.

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 12:49:54

well, that is a good outcome of you talking together. Poor man, keeping that to himself all this time. Very good that it's now out in the open, but you need to now (not right now, I mean!) address how he will cope in future - hopefully not with MCs, but what about childbirth, which is obviously where you both want to be in the end - you both need to know he will cope with that.

Have you been to your recurrent miscarriage clinic yet? I went to my local hospital one after no. 3, then we referred ourselves as private patients to St Mary's Paddington after no. 5 as the local hospital were being a bit crap.

Pabboo Fri 02-May-14 12:50:28

just because you can't hold a pregnancy doesn't mean I can't have fun once in a while

Are you kidding me? That is a really really shitty thing to say.
I totally understand why you hit him. It is not ok. It is not something you should do again. Ever. But I see why you did. He was being a dick.

Having just read your latest post though, well done to both of you for talking this through. It was brave of him to be honest with what he was doing and thinking, and brave of you to face up to him and find out what was going on.

(Still doesn't make his buggering off and leaving you to cope alone, or your hitting him ok, obviously).

I totally agree with others, some counselling for you both would be the best next step. It sounds like you can honestly talk things through, and he has good insight into his behaviour and feelings. Counselling or therapy I think would help you both be ready for the next path on your journey and whatever that may bring.

Good luck. And well done for discussing it with him today.

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 12:50:38

I'm really sorry. But yes, I should not have posted that comment, but I also sensed a sign of desperation to also help too. I think I also need to leave this thread, cos it is way above what I can offer in terms of help.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 13:01:47

Im glad I've missed masies post so thank you to everyone who got rid of it.
I've done everything. Paid private nutritionist, had private tests, been poked/proded/jabbed/investigated/inspected/scan and everything else under the sun by so many people. There is no medical explanation. The doctors say everything is text book perfect then suddenly it goes wrong. For example I had a scan with PG number 2, everything was perfect but suddenly gushed blood and lost it 8 hours later. But it never goes wrong at the same point so they don't know exactly why it happens. one specialist said the only way to find out would be to move into the hosp, lived hooked up to monitors and scanners and be blood tested each day. But the nhs won't do that. They say if they can't find anything medically so far it must just be bad luck each time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:03:38

Going back to what PicardyThird said:
Whatever his response to your blood and suffering is - which tbh I am not quite convinced by as an explanation. He can hold it together at work, can't he? And you have to suffer it and hold it together each time, don't you?

I'm not making excuses for OP's DP but someone in the emergency services once told me when at work they wear their capable face. It hides what they're thinking while they steel themselves to do whatever is required to get the job done. Maybe that's what this DP does now. Trying to hold it together.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 13:15:20

My dp is great atWork but often comes home and has a little cry over a baby they couldn't save ect. Its a hard job. The other week they did 3 jobs in a row of loosing people but couldn't have a break due to lack of ambos on the road. And they only get one counselling session a year from work. Its hard for him but he can't imagine doing anything else. Its his "calling" so I understand why he does it.you have to make exceptions for people in difficult jobs x

PoundingTheStreets Fri 02-May-14 13:26:43

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby Joker. flowers

I don't want to add anything to what's already been said as it sounds as though you and DH will work your own way through this. But I wonder if his hurtful comment means he is harbouring some resentment and anger towards you for the miscarriages. They are absolutely not your fault in any way, shape or form, but if that's something he feels - even on a subconscious level (he may react as horrified by the suggestion on a rational level) - he would probably benefit hugely from some counselling to work through those feelings.

Good luck with it all. flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:32:14

I am not in this line of work but am I wrong to think two of the things that are almost inevitable are a sort of gallows humour (Dunkirk spirit) to keep going, and burn-out.

If your DP is starting to show signs of the latter he may well need to rethink what he wants from life. I don't think you are unreasonable to hope he could find a balance between the sort of distance he keeps from getting emotionally involved with patients and the kind of it's-horrible-I-hate-to-see-her-in-pain-but-I-need-to-let-Jokers -know-I'm-her-for-her stoicism any partner feels for a loved one.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:32:52

here-for-her

juneau Fri 02-May-14 13:34:31

He has a very stressful, medical job. You are going through the misery of a fifth MC (my condolences to you). He snapped and said something horrible. You snapped back and hit him. Given the circumstances, I really don't think either of you is a bad person - you're just two people in a very unhappy situation that you have no control over. Having no control over something that keeps happening to your body and your plans for a family must be very, very hard. Be kind to yourself and to one another. I hope your next pregnancy works out flowers

SanityClause Fri 02-May-14 13:36:41

My heart is breaking for you and your DP. You are both under so much stress.

Be kind to yourselves, and to each other.

flowers

OxfordBags Fri 02-May-14 13:58:50

OP, I am a pacifist, and have zero tolerance towards any kind of violence (as anyone who know how blunt I am on relationship threads can attest to). However, if I was having my 5th mc, which involved losing two babies, and my medically-trained partner went out having fun and getting pissed with his mates (and a 'special' event too), and then said what he said to you, I'd be facing a charge for ABH, never mind slapping him.

Hitting someone isn't acceptable, but I think that there are a few very rare times when it is understandable. This, for me, is one of them.

Frankly, I don't think anyone should be having a child with a man like that. The going out with friends instead of being with you, is, for me, worse than what he said to you, which is in itself something that a man should be dumped for. I feel so sorry for you.

The thing is, this whole scenario is going to be reframed within your relationship as you hitting him, not him treating you abominably. The focus is going to go on that, instead of his attitude and choice to prioritise fun and alcohol over common human decency. Just make sure that doesn't get overlooked.

wol1968 Fri 02-May-14 14:13:04

But the nhs won't do that. They say if they can't find anything medically so far it must just be bad luck each time.

...or something medical that hasn't yet been spotted/discovered/properly researched yet. There are a huge number of causes for these things, and it may not be possible to pinpoint those causes even with the technology available today. I'd put my money on some as-yet-undiscovered genetic anomaly, or trouble with the placenta, or a combination of immunological/genetic factors that are an absolute bugger to untangle, but never just 'bad luck'.

brew and thanks to you, I can't imagine how it must feel. I did hear recently of a mum of 3 who had 11 mc's. I was amazed she persisted.

Doodleloomoo Fri 02-May-14 14:28:17

You were wrong to slap him. I'd have done the same.

Don't focus on that. Focus on yourself, your health, and when you are back on your feet - your relationship. Don't make the mistake of letting one thing you did wrong (losing your temper) overshadow his wrongdoings. Yes, he is suffering too, but in the moment while you are actually mc-ing he should put your feelings before his.

Wishing you strength, and hopefully some answers.

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 14:32:06

forgive yourself
forgive him
please xx

I am so sorry OP, what a shitty thing. there really are no words.

god bless you, and I hope that things work out, as (beleive it or not) they sometimes do

xxxx

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 14:41:48

I can't promise anything but I would really recommend Professor Lesley Regan's Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at St Mary's Paddington, it is (I believe) the leading RM clinic in this country, if not Europe. After my 5th MC, when I was basically being sent away with a pat on my head and a 'well, there's no reason why your next pregnancy shouldn't be successful' - err, 5 pregnancies, 5 MCs? Riiiight) we got our GP (who was underwhelmed by the hospital by this point too) to refer us as private patients, and we were seen a couple of months later. I won't go into the ins and outs as everyone's case is different, but suffice to say that following tests and treatments carried out by a consultant there, we had DD. They did far more tests than our local hospital and actually came up with treatment.

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 14:53:51

RiverTam

flowers

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 15:02:59

RiverTam at St Mary's my results came back normal... bah!

I have had my DD (my miracle) and 2 further mcs... waiting to go and get tested for NK cells in a couple of months as St Mary's don't test for that...

I have a 5/1 rate of success as well...

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 15:20:25

oh, poo. I'm so sorry. For what it's worth the treatment that was successful with DD hasn't been since unfortunately (2 more like you), but I just can't go through anymore so we have accepted (kind of!) that she is our one-and-only 100% pppfb!

Fingers crossed for your latest test results.

(thanks paris)

squizita Fri 02-May-14 15:39:28

I second what rivertam said. thanks 22 weeks after several losses, all down to that team.

I would agree with PP about counselling too. My DH also reacted weirdly to my losses (e.g. angrily and insistently refusing to believe I had a partial molar when I had been diagnosed at one point), like he wanted me to be mistaken - there wasn't a problem, I just had very 3 month long cycles.
Although he never did anything like OPs DH, there were some things we needed to work through.

Don't give up hope. thanks

squizita Fri 02-May-14 15:39:53

...currently 22 weeks, as in ongoing and still pregnant, btw. smile

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 17:20:11

Congrat squiz

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