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He's about to start resenting me

(52 Posts)
mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 19:02:43

I posted here only the other day, and I'm sorry to post again so soon for more advice and sensible insights into DH's behaviour.

In a nutshell: Together 2.5 years, married a year, 5 month old baby. DH is 15 years my senior (he's 45).

Having had many many conversations/heated discussions since DS arrived regarding DH going out too often, being a terrible drunk etc, two incidents this week have made me wonder what on earth I can do or say to him that will help him realise his responsibilities...

First; we went out with friends two nights ago. DH tells me to let my hair down; he will get up with DS in the night. So I had a wine too many, and got a bit drunk. Problem was, so did DH, and then he passed out cold on the sofa. Guess who had to get up with DS? Yep, me. DH was so drunk I couldn't even rouse him to come to bed. I was so upset he put us in that situation, but I really don't think he saw it as a big deal.

Second; After squabbling about the above for most of yesterday, DH has just rang from work to see if I mind him going to the pub tonight. As I've said in a previous post, I don't mind him going out. However, he has a lads night tomorrow, and a stag do on Saturday, so I'm quite frankly amazed that he'd even consider the pub tonight.

I'm so annoyed. Every time we discuss the issue of him going out/drinking too much he gets sulky, and says 'he can't do anything right', 'you're always angry'. Why can't he see I'm only angry because of his complete inability to grow up a bit!!

What do you suggest ladies? DH is about to start resenting me big time (in his words, I was 'too hard' on him after his drunken episode the other night) if he doesn't already. Why do men somehow always make us feel like the ball and chain? hmm

LineRunner Thu 01-May-14 19:14:40

This isn't 'men', though. This is your particular man.

I really feel for you, it must be bloody awful. I think you have to be clear about what you want and need because this can't go on and in that respect you have nothing to lose.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:16:55

Forget resentment.

He has a drinking problem and allowing you to get drunk and then getting drunk himself while in charge of a baby should be a dumping offence. He isn't even taking responsibility but resenting you. WTF?

Consider very carefully whether you want to stay with him in these conditions. And make him aware of it. Screw his resentment.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:18:28

Also, there is nothing you can do to change him if he doesn't want to.

Handywoman Thu 01-May-14 19:26:30

Oh my goodness. I am shocked at his disregard for you and for his responsibilities as a father. I think I might actually LTB in these circs. Sorry not to be more practical than that. Unbelievable.

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 19:30:14

He's a problem drinker OP.

That story about him telling you you could drink and then getting to wasted to get up for the DC made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. That is how children end up getting killed in accidents etc. Sickening.

Get into an Al-Anon group. You need to disentangle a lot of stuff here.

This is how life pans out with a problem drinker. It is really chaotic.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they could well help you here.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to now remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Twinklestein Thu 01-May-14 19:34:15

If you have a baby with an alcoholic these issues are inevitable. He is never going to 'realise his responsibilities', I'm not sure why you thought he would...

mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 19:35:56

I'm so glad you don't all think I'm overreacting. And handy, that's how I felt too, sick that he'd put DS in a situation whereby mum and dad were both drunk.

He has just come home. He didn't go to the pub, said he could tell I wasn't keen on the idea by the tone of my voice. I said I was surprised he had wanted to go to the pub. He said 'you're always surprised by my behaviour'. Again, I'm being made the bad guy.

You are all right. It can't go on. In every other way this is a loving, happy relationship. Suggesting he has a drink problem would go down like a tonne of bricks (although his family have hinted at it to me).

I don't know how to play this one confused

expatinscotland Thu 01-May-14 19:38:51

He's an alcoholic. What Attila said.

I'd go to Al-Anon if I were you.

CrispyFern Thu 01-May-14 19:39:55

The problem here isn't him resenting you. I'm concerned that this is the aspect that worries you.

Listen to these other sensible women. His drinking is not normal.

AnyFucker Thu 01-May-14 19:40:43

You picked a wrong 'un there, sorry

Best you acknowledge that sooner rather than later and take the appropriate action

You are not ready for this yet though, I don't think

Stripyhoglets Thu 01-May-14 19:44:37

he has a drink problem. You should probably speak to his family and find out what they are hinting at. and contact AA for support for yourself. You and you son deserve better than this . Take care.

Stripyhoglets Thu 01-May-14 19:45:25

Al Anon not AA, sorry.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:47:32

You play it by telling him he has a drinking problem, that's impacting his family and putting his child at risk, that he is failing to take reaponsibility over his problem and the consequences and that he has to leave, sort out his drinking problem on a consistent and long term basis and hope that you take him back when his problem is under control, in the understanding that any relapses mean a permanent end.

RedRoom Thu 01-May-14 19:52:05

Perhaps having a child has made him panic that he is missing out on the fun and freedom of staying out late and being only accountable to himself. That's tough luck though- he's not a single man in his late teens with no responsibilities: he has a small baby that needs him to act like an adult and a father. Passing out drunk so that he can't take care of him as promised is totally unacceptable.

Also, it's terribly selfish because you can't have your own fun nights out because you will always worry that he can't be relied upon to step in and do his share while you are tipsy.

Ideally, how often would you be happy for him to have these nights out? Just once a week, or less? You could decide and then say you are prepared to compromise so he can't moan about you being the 'ball and chain': he can go out late and get very merry by agreement (but not spontaneously), so that it is agreed that you will be solely responsible for DS. This works both ways, so you get time to let your hair down too. The rest of the time, he faces his joint responsibilities and doesn't get so wasted he doesn't know what day it is, just like you are having to do most days.

If he can't stick to this and put his child before getting plastered, he isn't fit to be around your DS: it is selfish and dangerous to be so drunk you are useless in an emergency. If he persists with the heavy drinking, you may need more drastic measures.

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 19:52:42

Go to Al-Anon OP... go for a few months. Go as often as you can, every day even. Come to grips with what is happening here.

In the meantime enlist as much help and support as you can -- he can't be trusted alone with the DC IMO. And you need support because living with someone like this, whether they get into recovery or not, is a nightmare and you can't do it alone.

In time it will become very clear to you what you need to do. It sounds to me that you are only juuuuust coming out of denial about this, so give yourself time but DON'T ignore what is right in front of your face.

RedRoom Thu 01-May-14 19:54:53

Ps: has he always drunk a lot? A few people have mentioned alcoholism, but I have no real experience of this or the warning signs.

mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 20:51:15

That's the thing, I am partial to a drink too, far less since I became pregnant with DS of course, but we used to enjoy drinking like any other happy go lucky couple with no responsibilities.

Am I angered by his drinking because I don't anymore? I'm wary of classing him as an alcoholic, but yes, I will follow up with his family about their previous comments regarding his drinking/going out.

A few of you have also suggested that I'm only just starting to see this for what it really is; you're right. Him disregarding all responsibility for himself, and more importantly, DS, has left me a bit shell shocked. Luckily his folks were here babysitting so saw this for their own eyes and I can speak to them about it with that night as an example.

ThePriory Thu 01-May-14 22:00:21

No point being subtle with this one, for his sake, yours and the child. He's 45, acting like a teen.

His family have already hinted to you about a drinking problem. Everyone who has suggested Al anon, well me too. 'LRB' is rather extreme, if you still love each other, and overcoming addiction is hard on your own.

He needs to want it for himself, and he really needs to grow up.

ThePriory Thu 01-May-14 22:00:50

lol 'LTB' not 'LRB'

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 22:04:13

LTB is not extreme in this case because he can't see that he has a problem, and he's blaming you.

He'd need to take responsibility over his drinking and recognise he has a problem. I doubt it will happen while he's living with you. Sadly.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 01-May-14 22:32:22

Er, sorry - he rang and asked if you minded him going to the pub. Did you tell him you DID mind? Did he go to the pub?

Bit surprised that everyone is so quick to label him a pisshead and saying he needs AA and saying to throw him out etc. Didn't you say you had a 'few too many wines' as well? Sounds to me like he's acting like a prat but there's no assuming he'd get so drunk he'd crash on the sofa after the pub or the stag - if he does get that drunk three nights in a row, then I'd say he needs support rather than judgement.

Good luck though OP - sounds like it's been a tough time x

Psycobabble Thu 01-May-14 22:42:14

Well I'm not sure these things neccasiry point to him been an alki but regardless he's behaving like he's young free and single which he is not. I'm not sure how you can reason with him because anyone with any sense would realise 4 nights out in a week is a bit excessive when you have a young baby and are in a serious relationship if he doesn't realise that or just simply doesn't care how you feel about that then I'm not sure how you'll get him to change !

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 22:46:04

This isn't about the DH going to AA. Not one person has directed OP to tell her DH to go to AA.

It's about OP needing to go to Al-Anon, which is a support group that helps people understand:

- whether the person in their life is a problem drinker
- how they can support the problem drinker in their life appropriately

Unfortunately, if he IS a problem drinker (and it sounds like he is, based on the OP -- problem drinking isn't just the drunk in the street or the guy who drinks every morning to get through the day), then being sympathetic/understanding/etc. is not the actual solution... it's just part of the problem and becomes part of the alcohol abuse cycle.

Also, it's not about whether the OP "had a few wines". You can get trashed once in a blue moon and still have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Also, the fact that OP "had a few wines" doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to be very worried about her DH's relationship with alcohol.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 01-May-14 22:51:55

Eh was saying OP isn't allowed to be concerned, thanks very much hmm - just that she says they both had too much. That's all. He wasn't able to get up and help etc - this could to do with him being older?!

If he got drunk at the pub and at the stag do then yes drunk in three nights in a week is a problem. Was just pointing out that we don't know if he did/will yet.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 01-May-14 22:52:23

*wasn't

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 23:05:05

The point is that at least one parent should be sober to take care of the child.
He told the OP it was ok for her to drink and that he would be sober. Then he got so pissed that he wouldn't even get up. That alone shows he has a problem and can't happen again.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 01-May-14 23:08:39

Alright, alright.

Talk to him OP - see what he thinks about it all. My DP often goes to the pub after work but doesn't necessarily drink/get drunk. As do I. That was my view point only.

Night all x

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 23:40:46

The OP has talked to him about it, and apparently she was too hard on him.

By all means, talk to him, but make it clear that you will not let your family suffer the consequences of his drinking problem.

Attheendofmytether123 Fri 02-May-14 05:35:40

He sounds like my STBXH. I always thought I wouldn't class him as an alcoholic, more a heaven social drinker. I finally had enough after he left me in hospital just after the birth of DD2 so he could go to the pub. I had had a PP haemorrhage and was really poorly and in no fit state to look after a baby but obviously wetting the baby's head was more important than actually helping to look after it. It made me realise that he will never, ever grow up and face up to his responsibilities while he is drinking.

When DD2 was 8 weeks old and I was recovered, I gave him the ultimatum of giving up drinking and getting help or leaving. He chose to leave. He has since spiralled out of control and now spends every day in the pub. I have had to stop him seeing the DCs unsupervised because he isn't in a fit state to look after them and he often turns up for contact drunk or hungover.

I won't lie and say it had been easy but it was definitely the right decision. My life is so much more peaceful without his lies, excuses and attempts to manipulate me into letting him go out for a drink. And it is only now I am free that I have realised how bad he actually was. Addicts are very good at shifting the blame back onto you so that they can carry on with their behaviour. I agree with seeking out an al anon group as they are supposed to be very good. I haven't been able to attend one but a friend of mine did and found it very helpful. Good luck.

catsmother Fri 02-May-14 06:33:51

Agree with Lweji.

One parent needed to remain sober and he volunteered himself for that role. He then proceeded to get so wasted he couldn't even be roused from the sofa. That shows he doesn't know his limits (and, IMO, if you're going to have sole responsibility for a young baby that should be no more than the drink/drive levels) which is worrying in itself - or, more likely, the lure of drinking was more important to him than ensuring someone remained capable enough to ensure the safety of his son.

That's so selfish and irresponsible that it really does indicate an alcohol problem. If it was a one off ..... say he'd drunk a particular type of spirit for example that he'd never had before, and he hadn't realised its potency, or, he'd unwittingly drunk while taking some sort of prescription drug and had had a bad reaction then the normal reaction of someone in that situation upon realising they'd crashed out the night before would be mortification and apologies. It would NOT be acting like it wasn't a "big deal". Nor would most people who gave a shit be angling to go out drinking again very shortly afterwards and then having a go at their wife who's spoiling their fun by having the temerity to object.

Dozer Fri 02-May-14 07:02:30

He is being manipulative and self pitying saying things like he never gets things right/you are always angry, you started the thread worrying about HIM becoming resentful!

As well as speaking to family and friends to follow up their comments, think about his drinking pre-DC times and living separately, did he drink lots, lose days to hangovers, but you didn't notice or realise it was regular?

What about his former relationships and work history, any clues there to drink being a problem?

Did you drink much more than before being with him?

If he has a drink problem you can't police it, just decide your own limits on what you will put up with, in terms ofbboth drinking and his loser behaviour.

MexicanSpringtime Fri 02-May-14 07:17:05

Yeap, Al Anon might be a good place to start. Someone here talked about giving support to an alcoholic because it is an illness, I think the alchohols that can be supported are the ones who realise they have a problem.

Frustratedwoife Fri 02-May-14 09:49:21

j

DIYapprentice Fri 02-May-14 09:58:54

OP, he abuses alcohol, he may not be an 'alcoholic' in the addicted sense of the word, but he chooses to abuse alcohol.

(Quite frankly to me that sounds like linguistic games, but that's what the mental health professionals told my family about our sister)

At the end of the day, the results are the same, a complete disregard for your family, because of his desire to consume alcohol in large quantities whenever he feels like.

I am horrified that he put a 5 month old at risk, but sadly not surprised that he did it by allowing you to get drunk first. He used you getting drunk as his 'permission' to get drunk too.

mummaduke Fri 02-May-14 10:47:29

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

Last night we has further talks, he sulked again, but said he needed to do some thinking about himself and his behaviour. This morning he has said I am totally in the right, his behaviour is unreasonable, and he recognises that. I have however, heard this before.

So, he is due out this eve and all day tomorrow at the stag do - pre arranged so I can't stop him going to either, and nor would I. I'll be intrigued to see what state he gets himself into though.

In response to some of your questions; he is a regular drinker, even if just a beer or two at home when he doesn't go out. He is not a 'good' drinker, he doesn't know his limits, and actually has a low tolerance level - he gets drunk more quickly than anyone else I know, but not because he's downing drinks - just can't handle it.

Prior to us marrying we'd go out drinking together. I never saw that as a problem or a warning; I happily gave that lifestyle up when we decided to start a family and stupidly assumed he would too.

Many of you have recommended al-anon. I've never heard of this. Is it a mumsnet group or independent organisation? I will certainly take a look into it.

Lweji Fri 02-May-14 11:04:04

al-anon

It's an organization for support of people affected by someone else with alcohol problems. Relatives, friends.

Lweji Fri 02-May-14 11:05:40

I do think you have to pass the responsibility to him, but ensure you have your own boundaries and stick to them.
It is very likely that you will have to separate and I'd start planning for it. sad

Jan45 Fri 02-May-14 12:34:51

So after telling you to let your hair down he goes and gets sloshed and puts you in a position no doubt you wouldn't have put yourself in, that for one is inexcusable and I don't like his complete lack of acceptance of acceptance of what he did there.

Also, he resents you? I think it's the other way round, what exactly have you done wrong apart from point out what an arsehole he's being.

He's not considering you or the child and he needs to. He needs to stop being so self centred.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Fri 02-May-14 12:48:51

Tbh if he is drinking regularly then getting drunk on very little alcohol is extraordinarily unlikely. I'm afraid you may find he has already had alcohol during the day, so that when you think he is having his 'first' drink he's already half cut but hiding it. Could this be the case? I think you need to consider this.

ThePriory Fri 02-May-14 12:55:33

He needs to be kicked up the arse to quit drinking so much.

LTB is an OTT response, as he could probably do with some serious pointers in the right direction, and help, and support. That's what familites are for.

At least suggesting al-anon may make him realise how serious and irresponsible his behaviour is.

It would be a sorry world if we all just gave up on each other immediately.

Lweji Fri 02-May-14 13:12:37

AlAnon is not for him, it's for the OP.

For him it would be AA, but I'm sure he knows about AA and that he can go to his GP.

The problem is getting him to be aware that he has a problem and nobody can do that but him.
Often addicts have to reach their rock bottom to realise they have a problem. Even so, they will lie, to themselves and to their support.

Gentle nudges work with most people, but not with people who don't take responsibility over having been responsible for leaving their DC without proper sober supervision.

Lweji Fri 02-May-14 13:14:49

Oh, and he's been kicked up the arse, that's why the OP was considered too hard on him.

oikopolis Fri 02-May-14 17:41:30

Tbh if he is drinking regularly then getting drunk on very little alcohol is extraordinarily unlikely. I'm afraid you may find he has already had alcohol during the day, so that when you think he is having his 'first' drink he's already half cut but hiding it. Could this be the case? I think you need to consider this.

This.

Seeming to get drunk on almost nothing is actually a sign of full-blown physical addiction to alcohol. It can indicate that alcohol is never fully leaving his bloodstream and even when he appears "normal" he is actually over the limit, and one or two drinks seems to push him into sloshed territory.

The fact that he is a "bad" drunk with not knowing his limits, etc? Also a sign of full blown alcoholism. This shows that his inhibitions may be almost permanently lowered, because he is never fully sober. But he's learned to maintain consciousness through it, so is making stupid decisions that most people wouldn't even have a chance to make because they would have passed out hours before he does!

Sorry OP, there are more red flags here than at a Maoist convention. Get thee to Al-Anon and start making plans to protect yourself and your DC.

mummaduke Fri 02-May-14 18:43:22

Crikey, these suggestions that he is permanently topping himself up aren't right. Having worked with him up until I went on leave last year, I know he works a full/stressful day - certainly no drinking involved. I've witnessed him go from sober to drunk very quickly, e.g on honeymoon/holidays when I know 100% he's not been drinking prior. I'm not denying there's a problem, but the suggestion that he is in a permanent state of drunkness isn't quite right either.

Anyway, he has gone out for the night now. I've told him to go straight to the spare room if he's in a bad state when he gets home. Sad isn't it.

I'm going to take my night alone to check out al-anon and get in touch with his folks and brother for their thoughts on things.

Lweji Fri 02-May-14 20:51:44

Don't discount those suggestions so quickly.
ExH used to drink without me noticing while he was at home. I'd only notice the effects.
And it's not unheard of people hiding their drinks, even at work. Or drinking a few at lunch.

wallypops Sat 03-May-14 07:12:40

My ex changes on the third drink of alcohol. Eyes speech manner. Doesn't drink every day but definitely an alcohol abuser. One drink and he can't stop. It killed our relationship (not the only thing).

Squeegle Sat 03-May-14 07:28:45

couldn't agree more about the getting drunk on virtually nothing being a danger sign.
ExP was like this. I couldn't work out how he could get so drunk on such a small amount. Turns out there was a lot of secret swigging going on as well as public drinking.

He was a binger too. Did not drink every day, but when he started he really could not stop. He also had an eye that gave him away!

His behaviour was not dissimilar to OP's DH. He would call me unreasonable and no fun if I suggested that he stayed sober to look after our child. Then he would tell me that he wouldn't drink when I went out and left him with the baby. But he did. Looking back I can't believe I was so naive.

It's a big problem as they can't be honest with themselves never mind you. So, OP, keep strong - don't worry about him resenting you - think more about why you're not resenting him! You need to ensure you are safeguarding your child always. And you will need to be the one who takes responsibility here as your DH is not.

I also agree al anon for you will help you a lot.

MexicanSpringtime Mon 05-May-14 04:10:25

Strange, not defending your OP, but my ExP also used to get drunk on next to nothing, and I have no reason to believe he was drinking beforehand. There are different metabolisms. That being said, my ExP was an obnoxious drunk and did eventually reach a stage where he acknowledged he was an alcoholic

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Mon 05-May-14 05:39:54

He sounds like petulant child from your description. Saying you are 'too hard' on him is a child's response. The sulking is a child's response. The resentment is a child's response. Take care OP that you don't slip into 'drink monitor' or 'mother (to him)mode' as it is the natural response from you in your position as the only sensible parent to your DC but tough on you emotionally.

On the getting drunk on less... could be he's pooched his liver and that means he gets drunk on less than he used to. Was he always pissed on a small amount or has that changed? Maybe suggest a liver function test if you are worried (and it might give him a shock).

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