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Abusive twat H or am i to blame?

(41 Posts)
AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:03:40

So am I in the wrong here or is he an arse? ?

I asked him a question over the long weekend. It was about whether something was a danger to young DD- hot drink on the side. He said no. I then thought I could see steam coming from the cup so I asked again.
He snapped, bit my head off that I had a) asked again b) not checked myself c) not believed him.

I told him there was no need to talk to me in that way. He said he wouldnt have to if I actually listened to him. I said there is still no need to talk to me like that.

He flipped out, shouting and swearing (in front of young kids) that he is fed up with my telling him not to talk to me in a tone (he talks to me in a rude manner a lot IMO).
Slammed doors, threated to not talk to me at all if I didnt like it.
He hasnt spoken to me since this happened.

Am I at fault here for not trusting/ provoking? or is he just an arsehole.

I suppose that I basically called him out on the way he talks to me and he doesnt like it but I do feel that maybe it was my fault..

He has form on angry shouting and stone walling.

I find the silence absolutely hellish. I am on edge and feeling physically ill. I am dealin with this ono top of depression which is exacerbated by his mood issues. Things really arent great just now. sad

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:04:11

Im a regular. have name changed.

mangomodellingclay Wed 23-Apr-14 20:08:54

He is just an arsehole. You have done nothing wrong.
thanks

deste Wed 23-Apr-14 20:10:41

Your right, he is an arse. Anyone who thinks having hot steaming cups around children is an idiot.

talulahbelle Wed 23-Apr-14 20:13:13

He's an idiot. I've made it clear to my DH tone of voice is as important as what you say, no one likes sarcasm or rudeness. Try telling him that tomorrow when he has calmed down - his reaction will tell you a lot.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:13:25

cup was actually empty. I was having a funny moment....

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:14:18

I am wondering if he will ever calm down tbh

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 20:14:29

Yes and anyone who throws a temper tantrum when asked to talk nicely is a gigantic manchild. His anger issues will not be solved by you I'm afraid...

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:16:58

what do I do about someone with anger issues. I cant solve it, he wont solve it (i should imagine).

LTB the only option?

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Apr-14 20:21:49

Yes and in bet you'll find your depression magically lifts or significantly improves.

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:24:56

This is the second time I have typed this sentence on MN today

you will probably find your MH issues magically ease when you dump this twat

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:28:19

I've actually wondered about that myself Jean and AF.

How do I handle a stone waller? If I tell him that the marriage is over Im afraid of his reaction. Shall i just see a solicitor and get a letter issued.

I am being very black and white about this. I am probably in shock as the realisation of the marriage being over has been dawning on me today.

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 20:29:29

Well it's LTB Or put up with his manchild anger for ever your choice!

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:31:18

It seems so clear written here but reality of breaking up the family is massive. My parents divorced and it was awful and I never wanted to do that to my kids.

Looks like I am going to have to...

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:31:31

When you say you are afraid of his reaction, do you mean he would be verbally abusive or even violent ?

Perhaps a call to Woman's Aid to get some advice and support is in order. Do your family and friends know how badly you are feeling ? Start gathering some RL support and see a solicitor to get your financial ducks in order. Don't tell him anything at all yet though. An abusive man will often ramp it up when it dawns their victim is slipping through their fingers.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:35:41

THanks AF.

I am worried about the verbal abuse. he can really pelt it out at volume...

Only one friend knows how things are. Everyone else thinks things are ok.

I will try and get a solicitor. Fortuanately i work so can be financially independent of him

How do i respond to his stone walling now?

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:36:25
AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:37:31

In summary, disengage in the short term

In the long term, get free of it

Anoriginalname Wed 23-Apr-14 20:41:38

I grew up in a home where my parents constantly argued, and clearly had little respect or love for each other. I vowed I wouldn't let my kids grow up like that, so I didn't. It certainly wasn't easy, hardest decision I've ever made. Especially as we had to live together for months whilst the house sold. Now mummy and daddy are both in a good place, with 3 well adjusted and happy kids that know they're loved and not being unintentionally snapped at by pissed off parents.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:42:41

OK thanks. Thats really interesting. And spot on.. I need to look up sociopaths now....

I have disengaged as much as possible. Have made no contact today (after attempting a couple of messages yesterday so as not to be the party actively not speaking to the other). I will not talk to him unless he does to me and I will certainly not be asking him what is wrong.

Been there, got the t-shirt it wouldnt be pretty- it would reopen the shouting and moods.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 21:27:31

Thanks anoriginal.

That's helpful. I just don't imagine that h would be a collaborative parent Certainly not initially anyway.

Anoriginalname Wed 23-Apr-14 22:39:09

True, some men can't get past the whack in their manhood that they've been dumped for being a knob. If it helps I had very little help, my mum was very sick, she helped where she could, but passed away after a few months. I don't have an extended family and close friends are spread all over the country now. Plus I'd moved to a new town for a 'fresh start' away from village gossips. But I survived with 3, the eldest a real daddy's boy, an autistic ds who hates disruption and a 4 yr old dd. he is a good dad, but he's a chef, so I don't get weekends off, he has them one night a week, but does to day times in school hols whilst I work. Yes I was scared, and would have much rather been able to get things back on track, but it is doable x

AChickenNamedDirk Thu 24-Apr-14 06:02:00

I'm so alone with this. He turned up last night late. Totally ignored my message about practical matters. Came to bed in the night.

I feel desperately alone and so anxious. sad

AnyFucker Thu 24-Apr-14 07:12:21

No man should be able to make you feel like this. Reach out to one person in RL today and tell them how things are for you. Start puncturing the denial.

Melonbreath Thu 24-Apr-14 07:21:35

Even if you were in the wrong that is no way to treat you or behave like that in front of kids.

Mckayz Thu 24-Apr-14 07:25:12

Not much to add but thinking of you. Please please don't ever blame yourself. You haven't done anything wrong.

peggyundercrackers Thu 24-Apr-14 07:38:51

I think his reaction to your question was over the top however if you question everything he tells you I think that would be pretty wearing and I could see how someone would get pissed off with that all the time.

AmberLeaf Thu 24-Apr-14 07:40:09

Ignoring someone in the way he is, has to be one of the most frustrating, upsetting and disrespectful things to do to someone you are in a relationship with.

My EX used to employ that tactic towards the end of our relationship, it's really shit and you have my sympathy.

^I asked him a question over the long weekend. It was about whether something was a danger to young DD- hot drink on the side. He said no. I then thought I could see steam coming from the cup so I asked again.
He snapped, bit my head off that I had a) asked again b) not checked myself c) not believed him^

You asking that does sound passive aggressive though.

I appreciate there is quite probably a massive backstory to this though, but if I were in his position in those circumstances, I would be pissed off too.

I wouldn't give you the silent treatment though, because Im not an arsehole.

As hard as it is, I think you are doing the right thing. It doesn't sound as if he even likes you and that sort of atmosphere is horrible for everyone, particularly your children. I agree that your depression will likely improve once you are out of this situation.

My parents were also divorced and like you, I really didn't want that for my children, so I probably stayed longer than I should have because of that. It was hard at first, but 7+ years later, things are really ok.

ThePriory Thu 24-Apr-14 08:31:38

The thing about the cup, I mean a loving, caring partner would find it funny or possibly even endearing that you asked about a hot cup on the side, when the cup was empty.

A less loving partner would take offense, and have a go at you for an underlying implication that he is 'stupid' or whatever... and then get over it.

But this reaction, what - stonewalling you for almost a week ?

It's insane. Obviously part of a collective of issues that have been going on, it's definately not just about the cup.

Yes the practicalities of divorce are awful, but so is allowing your family to exist in this environment, this behaviour is not a one-off is it?

Walkacrossthesand Thu 24-Apr-14 08:37:22

If he is ignoring written messages about practical stuff too, then there is nothing for you to do but act as if he isn't there, until he acknowledges your presence.

Don't ask him anything, tell him anything, do anything for him (I'm thinking laundry). Shift DCs mealtime to be before he gets in from work if possible, and don't even think of preparing good for him.

This can't go on for long of course, it will be an awful atmosphere for the DCs - just a few days and if he still won't speak to you, your next words are to ask him to leave because the marriage is over. Have you considered practicalities in the event of a split - do you already have a separate bank account, how would childcare work, etc?

AChickenNamedDirk Thu 24-Apr-14 08:38:34

No- its not a one off. He is often like this. Explodes over something then is silent until he decides he's had enough.

Its never gone on this long before.

I dont know what to do or how to handle it. It feels bad now but at least we are working at not with each other. If it carries on to the weekend I am feeling panicked.

We are under lots of pressure. He is massively busy at work, weekends are manic, at the weekend he was feeling ill too. Maybe that doesnt help. To the point by Amber, my behaviour wasnt great- I am not perfect and I know that.

None of this excuses him. Its dreadful

But practically. please can someone help me what shall i do now with him. Ignore it? try and engage him with unrelated stuff to give him a chance ot get over it whilst i seek an escape plan?

Walkacrossthesand Thu 24-Apr-14 08:41:28

Could you take DCs away for weekend to stay with friend/family?

AChickenNamedDirk Thu 24-Apr-14 08:42:09

Thanks Walk.

I havent worked it out in full yet. It seems so hard to see past things.

I need time to think this through

AmberLeaf Thu 24-Apr-14 09:53:41

To the point by Amber, my behaviour wasnt great- I am not perfect and I know that

None of this excuses him. Its dreadful

No, it really doesn't excuse his nasty behavior.

You have acknowledged that you were 'wrong', he however, is milking that as an excuse to be plain nasty to you.

I wasn't crticising you in saying I thought what you said was PA, sorry if it came across that way.

It sounds like you are both under pressure, but his ways of 'dealing' with that, are the actions of a mean person, who looks for someone to blame. Not conducive to a harmonious supportive relationship.

I second the suggestion to look into getting away for the weekend to stay with family/friends.

I did that and being out of the horrible atmosphere helped me see things clearly and decide where to go from there.

Bumpsadaisie Thu 24-Apr-14 10:03:35

I think you way you put across your view about the drink issue was slightly provocative or passive aggressive, you could just have said "I think we shouldn't leave that drink there, its hot and DD could maybe grab it". Your DH probably felt a bit patronised.

On the other hand, maybe you approached in that way as he has form for being unable to deal with a direct approach. Maybe you phrased it as a question because you feel you have to tread on eggshells around him.

His response seems OTT, as you say he is forgetting to behave like an adult and control himself.

The silent treatment is childish.

ouryve Thu 24-Apr-14 10:12:04

He's an immature arse. There's no excuse for responding like an angry teenager when you're pointing out something that's dangerous with kids around. What makes it more obvious that he's an arse is the fact that you tried to point it out by asking him instead of saying "H that cup of scalding hot drink is on the edge of the table and could so easily scald our DC - you need to move it." I'm guessing you're used to walking on eggshells around him, in which case, he really is an abusive, immature arse.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:39:33

He's doing it cos he gets away with it, you wouldn't take this abuse of anyone else so what makes him so special, nothing does.

He has no respect for you I'm afraid, and your kids are growing up thinking this is all normal, it isn't.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Thu 24-Apr-14 10:45:14

I don't know who first said this but it does seem somewhat apt:

before diagnosing yourself with depression, check you are not just surrounded by arseholes

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Apr-14 12:24:26

To some extent as I see it H is getting a pretty good deal right now. Why? because your depression and any anxieties about the possible break up of your family are powerful 'controls' that stop you from taking any decisive action. He gets to lash out verbally and slam doors and he knows that stonewalling reduces you to a quivering wreck (sorry OP) so he need not be motivated to change or take your concerns seriously.

I don't suppose you've ever been able to talk to his family or friends about his behaviour? I wonder if he has always had anger problems but was able to keep them under wraps during the honeymoon period?

OP even if he stopped sending you to Coventry do you see him apologising? There's no excuse for this. We all have stresses, he isn't unique. Who else gets a tongue lashing?

No you're not perfect. Yes you could have possibly re-framed that question. Good grief who sits and analyses every exchange in case it triggers door slamming yelling tirades? If he bit your head off that would have been an OTT reaction but he went yet further. Days later and not speaking to you? Walking away to avoid an angry outburst I can understand. Not this.

On occasions when he isn't around, is the atmosphere at home lighter, do you feel free to breathe?

Start considering alternatives. Act normally, if it helps don't do anything outwardly different to how you would ordinarily react after his dramas.

Please OP have a think, call and talk to someone at Women's Aid( 0808 2000 247).

C4ro Thu 24-Apr-14 13:50:45

My DH often reminds me to watch my language if I get accidentally sweary and there are kids are around. I feel a flash of annoyance (who wouldn't) but am actually grateful for the reminder as I don't really want my DD effing/ jeffing all over the place.

My DH and I might also accuse each other of something as a result of not knowing the full picture (like your mug thing). It's possible even both of us might get a bit sanctimonius and arguementative about being in the right. Once the reality was clear (mug empty, not an issue). The person in the wrong would make an apology, the other might be reasonably gracious to accept it or more crowy about having been the one in the right. Then it's done. No silent bollocks. No arsing on forever about it.

Your DH is a childish nasty shit to keep on with stonewalling for days over these trivial things. You really shouldn't have to tiptoe round eating humble pie until he deigns to speak to you again, that's not normal at all. You will do better on your own without the hassle frankly.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 24-Apr-14 20:23:49

OP, irrespective of what has happened recently, you need to have a long hard think about what you want. Take everything else out of the equation. You can't change his behaviour, only your own. If you want to separate from him and have a peaceful lovely life then get legal advice and set foot on that path. I am another that, hand on heart, believes that your MH issues will dissolve once you were not sharing personal space with this manchild. He is wearing you down even if you don't realise how much. Leave and you will look back with relief.

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