Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm pregnant and my (previously sane) partner is being a total knob

(60 Posts)
Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:31:56

I'm 3 months into an unplanned pregnancy. I've been with my oh for about 3.5 years. Up to now we've been happy (most of the time). He's always been loud and clear that he loves me and we're in this for the long haul. He's also said for a long time he wants children with me in the future - but that he's not ready yet.

Anyway, since we found out that I was pregnant he's been absolutely AWFUL.He says he does want children with me, but not yet. He's spent the last two months (since we found out) alternating between begging me to have an abortion, being incredibly cruel to me for refusing to have an abortion (calling me heartless, selfish, saying I am ruining his life and the baby's life and that he wishes he'd never met me and my tiny black heart because I'm a monster, that I cannot love him or I would never do this to him etc), and pretending that nothing is happening.

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing", that he sees nothing positive at all about the pregnancy, and that he feels his life is over and the world is imploding.

The clincher is he asserts that "if" I have the baby (I've made it clear there's no if about it) he will have to stay around, and that me "forcing him to be an absentee father" is "not an option".

I understand where he's coming from - I'm 33 and he's 28, so there is an age difference there in terms of him not being ready, but he's driving me up the wall.

I have a good job, and except during maternity (for most of which I only get statutory) we shouldn't have any financial worries. However, he is on a low, insecure income, so there is some worry about him having to take on the lion's share of bringing home the bacon during that first year when I'm on leave.

he refuses to tell anyone about the pregnancy, including his (kind, supportive, reasonable) parents. I got this close >- to telling his mum myself (I know this was out of line, but we are close, I felt guilty that my parents have known for months but she didn't, and I knew she would be supportive of him) but he picked up her phone when I rang and was, unsurprisingly, extremely unhappy about my trying to tell her.

All in all, the pregnancy has turned a good relationship into an absolute hellhole shitstorm, I'm not feeling that great about it and I don't really know what to do.

Any advice at all much appreciated.

(TLDR: Unexpectedly pregnant, previously-nice partner now behaving like a massive, massive tool, please help!)

Why are you with him now?
He sounds completely vile.
If I were you, I'd be getting away from him.
I'd be off to my parents to be with people that love and care for me at a time when I need it the most.
Let him have his freedom and you do what you need to do for yourself and your baby.
Congrats by the way.

NatashaBee Tue 22-Apr-14 15:38:12

I can understand how an unplanned pregnancy would throw someone, but frankly, it's not like you made a baby by yourself and he needs to grow up. It sounds like you have made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy either way, regardless of whether he wants to be involved - he is being very unfair to say you're "forcing" him to do anything. Personally I would tell his mother, if you get on well with her, it sounds like you could do with some support. Do you really feel that you want to continue with this relationship with him behaving the way he is? It sounds like you will have not one child to deal with shortly, but two.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 22-Apr-14 15:40:03

I don't see how you can stay with him after he has said such terrible things. He is only staying because you are pregnant but doesn't want to be a father? It can't really improve from that can it?

Queenofthehill Tue 22-Apr-14 15:43:50

My DS's father said almost identical things to me. I'm so glad we are no longer together. This is a textbook manchild, sorry.

ThePriory Tue 22-Apr-14 15:45:21

If your DP is saying that he wishes he never met you, and doen't want a child, u r not married, unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. He won't stick around to support u or your DC.
Take measures to find support from people who care about you, and work out where you stand independently.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 22-Apr-14 15:46:41

He knows that it's because of his sperm that you got pregnant, right? You haven't done this all on your own?

eightyearsonhere Tue 22-Apr-14 15:46:45

I would phone his parents and tell them that you are laving him because he has spent the past 3 months trying to emotionally black mail you into having an abortion that you have said over and over you do not want and will not be having.
And then I would leave him.
Congratulations on your baby.
It is really much much better that you find out now what arse he is, than waste your fertile years on this awful man and find yourself in this situation in 5 years time. He has done you a massive favour actually by revealing his true colours now.
Enjoy your baby.

He's a twat and do you really think he is going to revert back to that nice bloke?

He's shown his true colours, take the opportunity to tell him to fuck off and move on with your life, you've got a beautiful baby to look forward to.

Quinteszilla Tue 22-Apr-14 15:51:29

Dump him, and tell his mum why, so she understands why you must split up. You may also want her on board as a grandma.
My bet if that he wants you to be the one to leave as he won't like to be known as ghe man who left his pregnant partner! I think your life will
Improve without him in it.

Congratulations in your pregnancy!

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:52:19

Thanks everyone. The crazy thing is that when he's not in a "mood" he's still very kind to me and says he loves me, I'm the one, hugging and kissing me, holding my hand etc.

He's also explicitly said that he WILL stick around - that leaving me "is not an option".

I think you're right Queenofthehill that he's being a total man-child. I also think he's torn between the man he wants to be (i.e. sticking around, "manning up") and his fear of responsibility.

BTW, after our last argument I made him leave and he's now staying at his mum's - and not telling her that we've fallen out or that I'm pregnant, most likely. She lives quite far away so she'll probably assume he's just visiting her for easter.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 15:52:21

He sounds vile. Whilst I appreciate and unplanned pregnancy can be hard to get your head around the way he is treating you is unacceptable.

I personally don't think I could stay with someone like that. My ExH told me I should have an abortion during an argument (our daughter was planned) and then he said after she was born that he wished I'd had an abortion when I'd had the chance. I was a single Mum by the time my daughter was 7 weeks and haven't looked back since.

I hope that if you stay the outcome of your story is different but if I were you I would start preparing for doing this alone now just in case.

What do you want to do? In terms of your relationship that is, I gather from your OP termination is not an option.

JaceyBee Tue 22-Apr-14 15:57:33

It's bollocks about leaving being 'not an option' you know, you are perfectly entitled to leave the relationship with him, he does not get to decide you're staying together and that's that! Of course it's an option. Stupid man.

Spottybra Tue 22-Apr-14 15:57:36

He's a twat. Get rid.
My 16yr old about to sit gcse's reacted more favourable to his ex girlfriend telling him she was pregnant. They went to tell her parents together because she was too scared. He's been more mature than your boyfriend. The baby was born last week.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 15:58:15

He is still trying to bully you into an abortion you don't want. Dump and tell his mummy why.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Tue 22-Apr-14 16:00:13

So you would have two babies, except the one that you give birth to will be more mature. Agree with quint and eighty, tell his mum what a blackmailing knob he is, then dump his whiny arse.
But make sure he pays his whack, he needs to realise he has responsibilities.
And many congrats.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:00:30

Oh, Cupid5tunt, that's horrible, I'm so sorry you had to put up with that.

I'm totally, 100% pro-choice, so it's not that I'm anti-abortion, but I just don't want to do it. Everyone said I should make this decision for me, and I'm not a child, I have a job, I have supportive family, and I know I can look after this baby. To me, to get an abortion because it's not 100% convenient felt like the selfish option - we didn't plan this but I feel relatively ready. My mum was pregnant with me as a teenager, and my friends have been having babies off and on since we were 14 - if they could do it then I can certainly do it at 33 with good job prospects and my education finished.

In terms of the relationship, I have no idea. I want to give him the chance to come around, because all his protestations about me not "forcing him" to be an absentee father suggest that's what he wants to do, but I'm not going back to him behaving like he is. I suppose I just have to plan to carry on on my own. He hasn't contacted me for two days (we usually text/call multiple times through the day when we're apart) and I'm certainly not contacting him.

Hes had long enough to get over the shock, he is still trying to black mail you into having a termination.

Dump him, bloody man child that he is. You and your baby deserve better. Tell his mother as well

AnyFucker Tue 22-Apr-14 16:06:19

He is going to use this against you for the rest of his life

My advice is to show him the door now and cut out all the shit in the middle.

florencedombey Tue 22-Apr-14 16:09:22

He sounds as though he's absolutely terrified. I am going to be slightly more sympathetic than some of the posters on here and take at face value your comments that he is basically a good man.

Not to excuse the awful things he has said to you, but they sound to me like the sort of things one might say in a panic and not really mean deep down. Do you have any friends with kids? Does he? Am just thinking that if he had friends who are dads it might help for him to chat to them and see that his life isn't going to end just because a baby is coming along.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:12:08

Diddums! He's scared. Then own up and say it like a fucking ADULT, not emotionally abuse your partner and try to bully her into an abortion.

What a fuckwit.

He's 28.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:12:58

Don't be sorry, it's honestly worked out for the best and I don't regret any of my decisions for a single second. They were just the tip of the iceberg - his alcohol abuse, drug abuse, DV were some of the others, all which started during pregnancy.

It is tough at times being a single parent but trust me when I say that's it's a hell of a lot easier than having to effectively be a single parent in a household where you have a man child as well as a baby.

I am 100% pro choice if it is what the right choice is for that person. What he is trying to get you to do against your own judgement is disgusting. It's not a hobby he is asking you to give up it's your baby who is very much wanted by you by the sounds of things and who you have undoubtedly already started to bond with.

I would tell you to get well rid of him but it really is a choice you need to come to by yourself. He may do a 180 and come back to being a great partner and be a great Dad but don't pin all your hopes on it. It's amazing how quickly I fell out of love with my husband because he couldn't/wouldn't love our child whom I loved more than anything else in the world.

You will make your own decisions in time, but you really don't need to put up with him if/when you decide that you don't want to. It's all good and well him saying him leaving isn't an option, he doesn't have the option of whether you decide to leave him or not. That is your choice.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:15:03

And FWIW my ex was 39 I was 22, age has very little to do with how you deal with these situations. It's emotional maturity which doesn't come alongside age all the time unfortunately.

petalsandstars Tue 22-Apr-14 16:16:58

Perhaps send his mum a letter? Typed envelope if you think he might intercept it if he recognised your hand writing and then you can tell her you do want her involved even if he is being a twat.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 22-Apr-14 16:20:02

He won't leave you but he will be a total cunt to you and ruin your pregnancy will he? And you don't get a choice in this? Fucking dick.
If I were you I would kick his nasty arse out and wait to see whether he has a total personality transplant and comes crawling back begging forgiveness. If he doesn't - there's your answer.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:20:46

He hasn't contact you in two days? Another stab at emotionally manipulating you. Imagine the amount of stress you lose when he's mot in your life harassing you.

niceupthedance Tue 22-Apr-14 16:27:08

Sorry but he sounds like a cock. My DS's father is a dickhead but even he didn't ask me to have an abortion and we were not in a relationship. He was 28 I was 36.

I think you should tell him to move out until he has had a long think about becoming a father and only let him come back if he is on board and stops talking to you like a piece of shit.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

MaryWestmacott Tue 22-Apr-14 16:27:38

I think if you are 100% certain that you will not abort, then you need to stop this being a secret.

As you have had your 12 week scan, start telling people, you are having a baby, he might be there as a dad, but abortion isn't an option you are prepared to do, so he has 2 choices, be with you as a family, or split up, but being with you without DCs isn't a choice he gets to make once you are pregnant.

I think at 33 you are probably on the older side anyway, it's not like youve got another 10 years for him to grow up and decide he's ready to be a dad.

Start planning for being a single mother, he isn't a man you can rely on, and I certainly would have someone else as a birth partner (he can be there if he wants as most hospitals allow 2 birth partners).

His mum isn't actually your problem, it's his. You can tell her that you left it to him to tell her, so it's down to him.

I wouldn't let him back in the house unless he comes back sayig he's thought about it and wants to be a family, you need to start planning being alone - because you will be alone raising this child even if your 'D'P is in the same house as you. He has made it clear he's opting out of his responsibilties, that will be hard to take when he's under the same roof acting like your child is not his responsiblity.

Plus most people will assume he's not being an arse, so if he's living with you, you'll get less help from others than you would if he was elsewhere - and if you aren't going to get help from him, you are goign to need it from others.

Oh and congratulations! (I'd put it on facebook and tell work, he's had this chance to tell people himself, start being out as pregnant, you've got only another couple of weeks before you'll have a bump anyway)

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:31:38

Oh, yeah, put your scan picture on FB and Twitter.

OP - given the grace and strength you've already shown it's clear you will be an excellent parent. Your partner doesn't deserve you or your baby. Leave him, go back to your parents and make some plans. They love you and will help you. Your in laws too sound like they can be helpful. Definitely be clear with them you want them in the baby's life. Your ex partner - make him pay what he should for his child and see how things go in terms of him building a relationship with the child. I wouldn't expect much though. It will probably take him 20 years to grow the hell up.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:41:19

I think you should tell his Mum (relationship dependant) before making it public knowledge.

Do you get on with her? Do you feel like you could pick the phone up to her? I appreciate what has been said about it being his responsibility but if he isn't man enough to do it I think the nicest way for her to find out would be from you.

Lot's of women stand by their Son's no matter what but plenty don't. She may be able to kick him into touch or she may become a friend of yours as well as a grandparent to your child.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Apr-14 16:43:37

Even allowing for a shock, knee-jerk reaction, minor age-difference and lack of job security I don't think there's any going back from someone insisting that you abort your child. When your lovely baby arrives I guarantee you will want to do serious bodily harm to someone that so casually wished them dead.

I'd return this so-called partner to the underside of a nearby rock and tell them to grow the fuck up.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 16:43:42

Please do not entertain continuing in a relationship with this man!

He's not only decided that a baby he is half responsible for having created is something he can opt out of but that he can blame you and emotionally abuse you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.

You should listen to what he's telling you there. Yes, having a baby that you didn't plan and don't want is pretty scary but his reaction to those feelings is intolerable and you should heed the warning.

Plan your life as a single parent, please don't try to make things work with him because when he is not being horrible and abusive he is a normal nice partner.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:48:58

That was my thinking too, Cupid5tunt, when I called her - since he got so mad about me trying to tell her I've left it to him. If she's upset when she finally finds out at least she'll know I tried to get in touch.

That's a lovely thing to say Northernlurker thanks so much. And thanks for the congrats MaryWestmacott. I'm new here and it's so nice to have so may responses and advices. Thanks guys!

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:49:44

p.s. I don't have facebook and my twitter is very work oriented, so no danger of public outing by scan picture!

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 16:51:52

Does he need to be home to go to his work or can he get there from his mother's house?

joanofarchitrave Tue 22-Apr-14 17:00:46

I do think people should be allowed to make a lot of mistakes when they first find out they are going to be a parent, it freaks out many people who subsequently are great parents.

It is the brutal truth that he doesn't get to make all the decisions in this situation, and it does affect his life. I think most men adjust to this in time, but some keep it as a little pet festering source of resentment. You don't have to be around, if that's the case. Focus on his treatment of you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:02:17

If he was truly being sincere when he talked about being together for the long-term and having a family together in the future he wouldn't be being this vile to you now. So, all of that was lies.

Make plans for being a single parent. If he sticks around it will be only to fling more insults and pain in your direction. Get rid and do it quickly.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:06:04

He can work from him mum's, Offred.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - that's how I'm feeling too. It's so sad though to think that the whole of our history has been a lie and this awful two months is the truth of him. I can't believe that from being a kind, thoughtful man, this is what he has become.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:13:19

He hasn't become anything: he's been like that all the time but hiding it, just as long as things were bowling along the way he wanted them to be. Now, he's not in control, he doesn't like it and is punishing you for it. I don't think this is likely to stop any time soon.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:14

Totally agree with bitter and so much better for you to find this out now and be able to distance yourself before the baby is here.

KatoPotato Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:42

Firstly, Congratulations. Your life is about to chance so so much for the better, and even more so now that you've found out what an absolute useless prick your DP is.

better to find out now, rather than waste any more time, effort or energy into this horrid man.

What's been said cannot be unsaid, and you do not need such a pathetic, negative twerp bringing you or your little one down to such a level of negative behaviour.

Be strong, and be proud of yourself for realising you are better than this horror.

I found such an amazing inner strength when I found out I was pg, and felt I could take on the world, - well, actually I remember I used to panic about trying to park my car in tight spaces - on the day of my first booking in appointment I swung that car into the space in the sweetest manouevre ever!

a silly thing to compare, but I do have a random point in there somewhere...

take care, I think you are going to be alright lady! xxxx

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:54

The whole 'not ready yet' is the biggest load of string along bollocks around. I'm glad you're getting this chance to become a mum. He could well have cost you the chance entirely.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:58

Op - so he could come home anytime he fancies? Do you want him back with you?

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:26:40

Thanks Katopotato!

Offred, yes, hew works freelance so apart from certain set dates (which are all around the country) can be wherever he wants. granted, I feel pretty sad and lonely ATM, but it's also a relief to have some calm. I want him back with me if he's behaving like a normal human, but not if there's been no change.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:29:17

If he can come home anytime I think maybe you need to make a decision about whether you want him home before he does come back. He'll maybe be hoping he can ignore you and then catch you on the hop by turning up out of the blue which he may hope might bully you into doing what he wants.

sykadelic Tue 22-Apr-14 17:30:22

Let's be honest, having a child IS a huge life change and it's understandable that he's shocked and feels like his life is now completely out of his control. He's catastrophising having a child because he doesn't have one, he only knows that it will change his life forever and "you're taking away his choice".

All that said, it does NOT excuse him acting like a prick to you. You have made your decision, he has made his. Just like he can't change your opinion, you can't change his.

It doesn't make him a bad person because he doesn't want a child, what DOES make him a bad person is the way he's treating you.

You can either choose to accept his behaviour and hope he'll change or simply say - "This is happening. You can either grow up and accept the reality, or leave, but either way our relationship is over. I will not continue to let myself be abused by you, and neither will I let you sully the joy of this for me. I am exercising my right to choice and leaving this relationship. What you choose to do next is up to you."

MinesaMess Tue 22-Apr-14 17:38:59

I think if you stay with this manchild there's every chance he'll ruin what should be a very special time. I say that as someone who separated from my partner when pregnant. Every time baby cries, needs fed, gets ill etc..it'll be 'your job' to see to it's needs as 'you're the one who wanted a baby'. Resentment will build, on both sides, and that won't be a nice environment. Raising a baby alone is challenging but very very rewarding and generally much less stressful than doing so with a reluctant partner.

Quinteszilla Tue 22-Apr-14 17:48:31

It is interesting how he thinks that leaving is not an option, but staying and emotionally abusing you, blackmailing you and manipulating you is an option? Like you just have to take it?

I fear this may be a classical case of a man showing his true colours and becoming verbally and emotionally abusive once the female is pregnant, and feels "stuck"

WilsonFrickett Tue 22-Apr-14 17:56:52

My DP did have a minor freak out when we found I was (planned) pg - it consisted of a week of fretting, being quite grumpy and hands-off, culminating in me shouting 'Fuck sake, I'm not supposed to get stressed' in the queue for a table in Pizza Express, us both bursting into tears (him quietly, me not so much), going home, having a cuddle and then moving on into our life with our bump and subsequent baby.

That's cold feet. What you are facing is emotional abuse and man-child fuckwittery of the highest order. Don't put it up with it OP - I'm worried it will escalate. DV often starts around the time of pg/birth - I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it to help you understand the stakes are high here.

Start telling people about your pg. Start rallying your support. Start planning. Stand your ground and stand up for your child.

(Oh and I am 100% pro-choice. Trying to bully someone into an abortion against their will is so far the opposite of pro-choice though that I'm finding it hard to type this sentence angry. You do what's right for you.)

wyrdyBird Tue 22-Apr-14 17:58:21

I'd agree with Bitter: he hasn't become anything. You're seeing a different side to him (putting it politely)

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing"

This is his own child he's talking about. Not some random child. There is no kindness or empathy here for this child though, or for you, the partner he professes to love so much. So now you have a fuller picture of him, and it doesn't look good.

Your child will be fine, he/she has you as a mother. flowers
Your partner is not worth holding onto.

MaryWestmacott Tue 22-Apr-14 18:00:50

As others have said, "not ready" is acceptable at 18, or if he was in the middle of a degree/professional training, but "not ready" when you are 28, in a relationship that's lasted 3.5years with a woman in her 30s and are in settled jobs suggests he'll never be ready. It's not "not ready" it's "I don't want children" or possibly "I don't want children with you".

Plan for being alone, talk to work, start getting the ball rolling. If he's not likely to stick around (or you want him back) worth finding out now what you'd be entitled to when on mat leave and afterwards as a single parent. (better now than trying to research in the first few weeks!).

As for his mum, I think it depends on your relationship with her, if you would call her for a chat before, then do that and tell her, if not, then leave it. He can't keep it from her forever, and it really is his place to tell family.

I wouldn't let him back in for now, make him think about it, he's not doing you a favour sticking around when you've forced this on him.

OK. His bachelor pity party needs to come to an end right now. Call him and tell him he can either come back supportive and accepting that he's going to be a father, or not come back at all. That you will be telling your parents and friends at the weekend and that you suggest he tells him mum face to face - point out she'll be hurt to find out second hand. This is your news just as much as his. There's no need to tiptoe round him - you both made this baby.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:13:39

I'm not sure what you'd have to gain from having him back. I think he is a threat to you and to the baby tbh and the risk of taking him back is too great. I seriously doubt he can go from abusive to supportive in one easy step and if he can then he can just as easily switch back.

If you take him back with him agreeing to stop being abusive I'm not sure how you'd trust him and it'd be so much harder to confront getting him to go again if/when he reverts to his unacceptable behaviour.

You've got 6 months left of this pregnancy, I think your efforts really would be best spent on preparing for the baby not mollycoddling him. He has failed to step up, that is his problem, not yours. It would be right for you to have expectations of him (that he'll provide emotionally as well as financially for the child even if you are apart) but not to try and get him to live up to those expectations - that won't do the child any favours.

I think you should tell his mum really. If he won't do it it will be hurtful for her to find out from someone else I imagine, and I wonder if she'd like to share in the excitement of the pregnancy - she should have the option anyway. I think he's not given you many options at this stage other than to tell her tbh.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:14:43

Basically you need to think about what he's going to as to your life, how he is going to improve it rather than whether you can do something to fix him I think. He's an adult, he needs to act like one.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:16:33

*add

HopefulHamster Tue 22-Apr-14 22:23:53

Sadly I think you've found out that he was lying about 'not ready yet' and he was probably never going to be ready. Left to his decisions, you'd have probably found out age 42 while ttc, then he could've left you for a younger woman and still had children, or carried on happy and childless. It's sad and horrible but that's how some people are.

No decent person who loves their partner behaves like this towards them. He might wish it wasn't happening but it is and as a grown up he has to deal with the ramifications. He can't undo it, you won't, and so his choice is be miserable without you or get on and be as happy as he can manage, or be miserable with you and wait for you to chuck him out.

It can't be his decision as to whether he stays with you or not. He's being a complete nobdonkey.

TheCraicDealer Tue 22-Apr-14 22:47:10

Even if you don't have twitter or Facebook I would embark on a massive "I'm PREGNAAAAANT" announcement. Your eggo is preggo and you're continuing with the pregnancy whatever happens. Keeping it quiet is just reinforcing his view that he'll be able to 'talk you round' and get his own way if he pushes you hard enough. Even if you split up at this point he needs to face up to fact that he's about to become a father. He's right about one thing, it isn't his decision to make, not when he's behaving like a complete cock and not listening to his partner. The only choice he has right now is deciding how to handle this development.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Wed 23-Apr-14 08:46:53

Well op I admire your strength in an awfully emotional time.

He's in shock. And scared. Both of those make humans vicious. He's not the first to react that way. He won't be the last. It just is what it is.

I'm afraid that if you go ahead and have the baby it is your decision. You need sadly to act alone, with friends and family support. I am sad but it's unlikely you will revert to being a loving couple. IMO strive for civil and friendly. It's just not a relationship you should be in for the rest of your lives with this level of behaviour. But you both could make excellent parents. Maybe platonic but parental love is the way forwards.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 23-Apr-14 18:01:07

My ex did this and I have written him out of the picture. Harsh but fair. He did come round...about 9 months too late by which time I was over him. Congratulations op for keeping strong.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now