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He punched me in the face.

(539 Posts)
NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:35:40

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 03:41:33

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Can you call the police and have him removed?

Do you need to go to hospital? Don't worry about anyone else other than you and DC.

If you think you are in any danger, get up and go now, take the DC, tell them you've had an accident if you can't face telling them yet.

mumblechum1 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:42:32

I'm so sorry this has happened. I strongly recommend that you call the police on 999. If you don't have your phone I will do it for you.

They will arrest him, keep him locked up till tomorrow then release him on police bail which will include his not returning to the house until the mags have dealt with him. I'll let you read this and repost in a sec

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 03:44:13

And he's an utter fucking bastard.

You can get him out now, he assaulted you in your own home and has no right to stay. Call the police if you can face it. Please. I'm worried about you.

Dirtybadger Sat 12-Apr-14 03:45:54

Call the Police. Get in contact with women's aid and citizens advice. Even if you don't want the him charged its important you report the domestic violence. It will give you access (or a better chance of access) to legal aid in civil proceedings relating to your break up etc and it will allow a court, if needed, at a later date to make an appropriate decision on his ability and safety to parent your children.

Oh and obviously see your gp (or of necessary visit hospital) if you suspect more than a bit of bruising. Maybe best to take a picture if you've a camera, too.

I am so sorry that your h has done this to you. You don't deserve it. Sounds like you know that.

God, that's awful <hugs>

I think calling the police would be a good idea, if not tonight then tomorrow. As to the practicalities I can't advise but Women's Aid should be able to help - 0808 2000 247.

LettertoHermioneGranger Sat 12-Apr-14 03:47:02

I'm so sorry. I think you should do as you said, ring the police. It won't do your or your DC good to not report it. It may be best to press charges against him.

As PP said, if you're in danger, take the children and run.

It's typical to be in shock after something like this. Focus on you and your children. Don't worry about friends staying or work, take this one step at a time.

mumblechum1 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:47:26

So far as all the other stuff goes, forget it until tomorrow. With this type of incident you really can't delay even for an hour. The police will get you to make a statement, probably tomorrow and will take photos of your injuries and if you can bear it you should take some selfies now.

The police will take this seriously and will protect you but you must act quickly.

I've been through this myself and know you will be in shock, use this anger and pain to get help to find a way out of this situation xx

headinhands Sat 12-Apr-14 03:48:10

need call the police. Call them now and get them to come and remove him.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sat 12-Apr-14 03:48:54

Call the police & get some medical attention. Is there anyone you can call to.wait with you & keep you company?

Call womens aid on their free 24hr helpline for advice.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:50:32

Thank you for answering, I feel very alone right now. This might sound stupid but I didn't call the police because of H's job - it's one where a criminal record is a big problem. Him losing his income wouldn't help me. I don't think it needs hospital though it's continuing to bleed and my nose is really sore.

I don't know what to do. He has ruined everything. Our older DC will be devastated. We will have to sell the house. I have to apply for the job I'm in to get permanent employment and the closing date is next week - what are they going to think if I turn up with my face in this mess? I don't earn enough to stay in the house on my own.

I used to love him. He put drink before me and DCs.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:54:47

Lots more replies, thank you! It's great to know friendly people are there. He usually sleeps it off at this stage so I don't immediate danger, and I have locked the spare room door. My mind is spinning.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 03:56:59

If it hasn't stopped bleeding you need medical attention. Please get help asap.

If your H's job was that important he shouldn't have assaulted you. HE did this, not you.

You really need to contact the police. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how this feels for you, but it is the only way to keep you and the kids safe.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:59:57

Oh God I hadn't even considered court or access to DCs. I'm so scared I will let this get pushed under the carpet and he promise to stop drinking again. I have to be strong, I can't let my DCs grow up thinking this is normal.

headinhands Sat 12-Apr-14 04:00:08

Op would you expect anyone else to protect him this way? Would you expect a stranger to not complain if he punched them in the face? The best thing you can do is model to the children how totally unacceptable punching people is. Maybe he shouldn't have that job if he has this problem.

headinhands Sat 12-Apr-14 04:01:51

Call the police op. It's the right thing to do. Do it now.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:03:19

Sorry posting on my phone so it's slow. Coffee he would lose his job if I call police, I know tjat would be his fault but DCs would suffer if he can't support them financially.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:07:14

Need, your DC are going to suffer because he hit you. I'm so sorry to be blunt, but whatever happens they will be affected.

Please don't let him get up tomorrow and say he's sorry and your children have to see that it's OK to be violent. If you won't call the police can you try Women's Aid as another poster suggested.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:08:46

I am protecting him aren't I? Oh God I don't know what to do. This feels like a nightmare. I work in a related area to my H, it's a small world. I feel so ashamed and just devastated. I really thought we could make a go of it when he stopped drinking, what an idiot.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:09:45

Thank you Coffee . What do Women's Aid do?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:11:29

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.

Please call the police. It's out of your hands in many ways, it is unlikely that a friend or family member won't do it on your behalf.

Do it now, so you and your children can be safe tonight.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:12:33

Am googling it now.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:13:41

Sorry Coffee cross posts. I meant thank you for being there, I am googling Womens Aid.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:14:20

Women's Aid will talk you through your options and do everything to ensure your safety. But they are also likely to advise phoning the police.

mumblechum1 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:15:37

If you don't want to involve the police then deal with it through the civil court by getting an injunction. See a solicitor first thing mon and you will prob. Get an emergency injunction mon or wed. You will still get legal aid as it's DV.
He won't get a criminal record but you will get the protection for a year while the divorce is sorted.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:16:15

Thank you for phoning them xx You are doing the right thing.

headinhands Sat 12-Apr-14 04:17:49

Everything you're thinking is a normal response op. Don't feel ashamed, you haven't done anything wrong. You're in shock. Women's Aid are a good idea. Having a person to talk to on the phone right now who knows the very best thing to do is a good idea.

angelohsodelight Sat 12-Apr-14 04:18:35

Take a photo of your face in case if helps as evidence further down the road.

Is he even sorry/aware of what he's done?

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:21:43

OP this is a really awful situation to be in and I've been in a slightly similar one years ago.

First of all, thinking about long term plans related to access/ child care etc Can wait. Right now the priority is you.

If he's asleep, and he's probably passed out go make yourself a cup of tea. Then decide what you want to do for the next few hours until it's morning. You don't have to make decisions now, just do as you feel you should to get to the morning.

Tomorrow please take a photo of your face and if you feel up to it, call the police. I'm not defending your husband but assault may not be disclosed to his employer, it depends what he does for a living.

Can you go stay with any family or friends to give yourself some head and thinking space?

In terms of long term plans seeing a solicitor or the CAB would be a good place to start just to find out your rights and what's involved. Also if you have a women's centre near you they are wonderful for offering support.

No one will make you do anything you don't want to but there is a whole heap of support out there to help you process and deal with this when you are ready.


NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:23:35

I haven't phoned. I'm sorry, you are all giving great advice which I would give someone else. I am worried about waking him, baby DC cried out in sleep and I froze hoping it wouldn't disturb him. I can't believe he would hurt DCs but I didn't think he would do this to me.

Lots of the info on the WA site is about leaving and where to go and refuges. Am I being really naive to think I can get him to leave? What if he refuses?

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:24:02

Also if you do go stay with friends etc please take all valuable paperwork (ID, bank details, wage slips) with you as you may need them. Please also get some money out or transfer some to a sole account in your name.

As I say there is no rush right now unless you feel in danger.

CrewElla Sat 12-Apr-14 04:27:10

OP that is why most of the advice is to call the police, they will make him leave.

I am so sorry he has done this to you and I hope you get the support and help you need.

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:27:26

Re him leaving, you are not being naive at all and there is lots of support to help you remain and get him out through injunctions, occupation orders etc. Some solicitors offer free 30 mins appts so seeing one on Monday might be an idea. You can call the Police in the morning and they will arrest him and can bail him to stay away. If they do that he will need to have access to a bag with clothes, ID etc in. I would take the dcs out tomorrow and call them. They will handle it sensitively and call you when he's gone. Stress that you do not want him at the house. Bail conditions don't last forever but they will buy you time to get an injunction or whatever you need.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:27:34

Thank you Buggerlugs that helps. I am getting calmer. DC crying out didn't even make him stir so yes I think he's passed out. I'm not sure what to do in the morning - thinking to get DCs dressed and go to my friend's place. But that would mean all this is real, someone in RL knows and there is no going back or hiding it. I know that's good but it terrifies me.

headinhands Sat 12-Apr-14 04:28:56

The police will remove him. They will ask you if you want him to come back to yours I believe.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:30:47

He did this, he made sure there was no going back. I think you should go to your friends as soon as you can.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:30:48

We couldn't stay with my friend, she has a one bed flat. It would just be to decide what is next.

His job is one where he would be in breach of contract if he didn't tell his employers about any charge or conviction.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:31:52

I know, you're all right. He made this situation. I am getting very angry with him now.

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:32:24

Everything always feels a million times worse at 4am when you're tired. Going to a friend's is a brilliant idea. Tell the DC Its an adventure and let your friend ply you with chicken soup until you're head is calmer.

No one expects you to make long term life changing decisions all at once, get through the next few hours and worry about tomorrow, when it comes.

If you are scared of waking him, I really think you should phone the police. You are not going to be able to think straight or protect yourself or DCs if you are shattered and in shock.
This may not affect his job but if it does then you can cross that bridge later. Tbh, if his drinking gets out of control he could lose the job anyway.
Phoning the police will give you and DCs more protection.
You really don't want them having overnight stays with him in the future if this is what he is capable of.
You are in shock and possibly even concussed. In the same position, i would probably be thinking the same way as you but you have to put you and DCs first, not him. He is to blame. He has done this. Let the professionals help you.
Don't worry what other people think - tell them the truth. It will then be harder for you to go back to him, once this is out in the open. Any decent people will be appalled at HIS behaviour, not yours.
Take care and good luck.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:38:04

Thank you Buggerlugs you are right. I am worried about telling my friend, I have hidden the extent of H's problem for so long. Though I would expect she will have guessed at least some of it. And because once I tell someone, there's no going back. The cut is still bleeding, I wonder if it will need stitches.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:39:23

Good advice. Go to your friends, he can be removed by the time you come back. You and DC can stay in a hotel till Monday if you decide to contact a solicitor and get a restraining order.

And he has the option to be honest with his employers about his actions, he doesn't have to lie.

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 04:44:06

I think you should get to gp or hospital. Have you some oce for injury, bag of frozen peas? Are you in pain?

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:44:21

Friends have a nasty habit of knowing more than we let on and I suspect that once you start telling her, you will feel an enormous sense of relief.

As for the cut, bathe it and have it looked at tomorrow. Priorities for the morning are bags packed for you and the DC just in case, eat something (very important) and go to friends. Hopefully you can do all that before he wakes up. Once at friends explain everything and call police together. They won't blue light to the house or anything as you won't be in danger but they'll deal with it quite swiftly. You will have to give a statement but they can come see you to take that and they will give you lots of support and advice about what to do next.

Its easy to say but try to get some sleep if you feel able to.

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 04:45:16

Please text your friend to tell her what is happening.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:48:23

OK that's my plan. I will see if I can get a couple of hours sleep until DCs wake up, then go to my friend's place and start a new reality. Thank you for all the advice. Please support me over the next few days when I need my hand held or my back bone stiffened?

It just occurred to me that however difficult it gets, I won't be living in fear of the next time. That has to be better.

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 04:49:33

Of course we will OP. Please let us know how you get on thanks

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:51:30

Cut bathed and I think has stopped bleeding. Deepish though and Iam going to have black eyes I think. The selfie will be a sight but may help my resolve. January I did think of texting my friend but it's so early. Though I would want her to in my place.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 04:54:28

Well done need. Text her. Take care of yourself and your DC thanks

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 04:56:51

Oh God I've done it, I've texted my friend. It's real now, I can't pretend I fell over or something.

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 04:59:50

Maybe your friend could look after DCs while you are at docs/hospital?

Hope you manage to get some sleep x

Innocentbystander01 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:01:34

Well done. You are so brave, I always think in these situations you should follow the advice you would give your dc if they rang suddenly and said they had been punched in the face you would tell then immediately to get out and away from the culprit and you would be raging.
Don't put yourself last dc need a happy strong mum by doing this you are setting them on the right path so if they are ever in a similar situation (hopefully not) they will remember their brave mum and get the hell out.

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 05:02:12

Well done on texting your friend.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:08:13

Thank you everyone. I can't sleep, my mind is racing. Innocent that struck a chord, I do feel like I always put myself last and feel guilty about thinking of my needs. What you said about thinking of DCs in my place makes my blood run a bit cold. I have to do this for them. I grew up with a drunk aggressive dad and a mum who accepted it and look where I am. I have to break the pattern.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 05:09:11

You are doing the right thing. Telling someone else is the first step. Your friend will help you.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:09:46

apologies i have not read whole thread - just got in from work. Call the police.
do it now.
do NOT allow this to go unreported.
police will be sympathetic and he will be removed and will give you valuable thinking time.
its an assault - and quite a bad one at that. you cant leave this. report him - call 999. its warranted if you have had to lock yourself in the spare room.
do it now. pm me if you like - im in police. you are not doing anything wrong and you have nothing to feel bad about reporting this.

Innocentbystander01 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:11:27

You have broke the cycle of abuse and refused to accept it . You are a great role model. Things might be up in the air and confusing for a few months but it will all sort itself out and you will no longer be scared in your own home.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:13:02

oh and if you call police, he will be taken away when they arrive - you get breathing space - he realises what he has done.
you get help. DV team will call you following him being dealt with.

bail conditions can be set to prevent him from coming back - in the meantime you see a solicitor for an occupation order.

please give police a statement and support them. they will help you to help yourself.
he has done this - not you.

Discomama Sat 12-Apr-14 05:13:57

Well done Need, you've done completely the right thing - you and DCs must come first, if he loses his job so be it, you WILL manage, don't we always find a way?! Please report him to the police, you would if it was anyone else thanks

FadBook Sat 12-Apr-14 05:21:45

Hope you've managed to get some sleep

Stay strong - you're doing the right thing for you and your children x

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:22:25

Vicar I have read your advice before and respect it. I don't know if I'm going to call police or not yet - he's in a related line of work so I would be surprised if he kept his job. I was just looking at Tax Credits and working out if I could keep the payments on the house, with maintenance from him it might be possible. I know money shouldn't be the priority. Not sure I'm thinking straight.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:33:40

listen - he wont lose his job - pretty sure. we have an inspector who hit his wife. she was open about it. he is still in the job.

especially if he is going to need to support you - this is not a regular occurrence so i doubt very much he would lose the job.

pm me with what he does for a living.

dont worry about money right now - get him out of the house - now - please dont not report because you are worried about money.
he has issues which he needs a bloody huge wake up call to tackle. this is not your responsibility. please dont take this on yourself.

the police will help you. and him if he wants it.
you cannot just punch your partner in the face because you had a drink.

he has injured you. you will likely get black eyes from the nose injury. its not a major crime but would be classed as a s47 assault - it would go to CPS for a decision.
stop worrying about him. he is big enough to take care of himself. worry about you. report this - if you dont and you split later you may regret not reporting this now.
trust me.
report him now. dont think about it. just lift hte phone and dial 999.
"i am calling from xxxx and my husband has just assaulted me. he is drunk but he has caused me an injury to the nose. he is still here. i have had to lock myself in the spare room. we have children in the house."

it will be treated as an immediate response. 10 mins and he will be out of there. he wont be treated badly at all....but you need some breathing and thinking time without him there.

please call the police. you are not helping anyone if you dont.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:33:58

There are pictures on FB of the work night out he went to last night. I feel sick. It's ok when I feel numb but this is it. My marriage is over, my DCs are going to have their world turned upside down because that stupid selfish man can't choose his family over drink. He will say I drove him to it, I make it such a big deal that he rebels against my controlling ways. But he chooses to drink. I didn't force him to stop or give him an ultimatum. He said he would stop, for himself as well as me and DCs. Now he has done this. My DCs have to see me in this state. I hate him for it.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:34:48

Vicar I am sending you a pm.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:35:37

thats fine. please read my post above though.....ill await your pm. x

Listen to Vicar... She's right. Lift the phone, call the police. You are in shock, and that's totally understandable, but you can do it for yourself & your kids xx

KepekCrumbs Sat 12-Apr-14 05:42:56

I wish I could reach through and hug you. You must be feeling devastated and so alone. Well done for texting your friend and acting on breaking this cycle for your own dc even though your mum couldn't do it for you. Please heed Vicar's advice. And take care.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:46:43

Thank you for the virtual hug Crumbs I needed it. Vicar I sent you details of his job. Please tell me honestly what you think would happen if I report it.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:48:43

I can't tell you how great you are all being. Knowing I'm not alone is brilliant.

If I call police I should do it soon so DCs are still asleep. What the hell do I say to the older one if she wakes up?

Wenchelda Sat 12-Apr-14 05:50:01

No advice to add but just wanted to say I think you're incredibly brave and strong. Good luck op x

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:51:31

Wenchelda I don't feel either! Thank you, I am trying.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 05:55:18

Sorry Vicar one more question. When you say it would go to CPS do you mean for charge rather than Caution, or does that mean I couldn't drop charges later? I just want to know the facts so I can decide.

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 05:57:00

I'm still here too OP. I wish I could help too, even if just by making you some food or giving you a hug. Where in the uk are you (specifics not necessary)

CheerfulYank Sat 12-Apr-14 05:59:34

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. sad

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:00:20

I'm in London. Got Vicar's message. I think I'm going to call 999. Fuck fuck fuck.

Need how old is she?

Assuming she's younger, I would say that Daddy hit you & that hitting is not okay, so he has to go away for a bit. If she's older, a bit more detail.

I think you need to be truthful, don't lie (I walked into a door type story) but equally try if you can to be calm about it... Which is really hard.

You're doing the right thing. (((((((hugs))))))

JazzyCardi Sat 12-Apr-14 06:04:17

Listening and hand-holding NeedAdvice.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:07:39

ive pmd you back.

dont drop charges later - this casts doubt on your credibility for anything in the future.

he wont get a caution for a domestic assault - doubtful anyway.

however - cps would make the decision. you need to give a statement - you can give a victim personal statement in which you say how you feel - if you are reluctant to make this complaint say it there - say why.
it will be taken into account.

if he is arrested tonight, you give a statement, and cps advice is sought tonight it wont take long.
he will likely be charged to court - magistrates court - nothing terrible. court date will likely be within 2 weeks - so no waiting for ages.
no other offences against the person - he wont get anything too hefty.
he will have to face up to his problem.
not a bad thing imo.

dont give a statement and then drop it - A) your credibility is shot to bits b) you have to negate the assault - this means you either have to lie and say you made it all up (leaving yourself open to a ticking off for wasting police time) in any case you would have to give another statement saying why you have retracted.
this is no guarantee of getting it thrown out but more often than not cps wont run a case with no willing complainant.
that said - if it happens again - it will all be on record. he will be NFAd - (no further action due to lack of evidence) and you are right back to square one.
with your credibility shot to bits.
if you needed to report again this NFA would be on file - and why. Legal aid is very hard to get now too, only available for cases of domestic violence.
if you retract you are casting doubt on the truthfullness of your account.

dont do that. dont give a statement and then drop charges. if you are going to report his then steel yourself - he will not get a huge punishment.
*mags court.
*s 47. (low level as assaults go)

please dont not report, and please dont retract if you do.

make your feelings known in the victim statement. thats read out in court. the magistrate will take it into account when deciding on what to do with him.
he wont get a custodial sentence.
i doubt very much that he would lose his job. he may not even have to disclose it.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:07:44

Hey, just wanted to add my support. I am so sorry. You're being really brave and I do think you're right to call.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:08:03

I have called. It will take up to 60 minutes. I don't know if I've done the right thing. I am shaking. I am hoping they come soon and take him away without DCs waking. What happens if my older one wakes and sees police taking daddy? Oh God I am so scared.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:10:11

Just saw the last couple of posts. Thank you Vicar you have really helped. I have done it and I won't retract.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:10:35

Oh honey. I hope they come soon. Can you shut the doors to your DCs' rooms and maybe even put towels at the bottoms so any noise is less likely to carry to them?

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:11:20

good have done right. absolutely right.
60 mins means its being treated as a "priority" case - this is because he is asleep and you are not in immediate danger right now....

if this changes you call back on 999.....

if the children wake up then just tell them daddy is helping the police with something. they dont have to know the details.
they will accept that.
they will go back to sleep.

i can hand hold for a bit....

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:13:15

tell police to be quiet - that you dont want the kids waking. they should oblige.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:14:33

The older one is 4. I know what you mean about not lying but if he is angry with me and shouts abuse it could be awful. Their bedroom door is shut.

If anyone is around I would appreciate hand holding for a bit. I feel all over the place.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:15:16

Oh God I hope they come soon.

Well done, you did the right thing. Lots of people here for you

TallyGrenshall Sat 12-Apr-14 06:16:50

I'm here for a hand hold. You are doing amazingly

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:16:52

I was thinking about the possibility of shouting -- I really would put a folded towel across the bottom of the door, especially if you don't have carpet.

I'll be up for a while (American), holding your hand thanks

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:17:17

Thank you x

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:17:32

Er, not that it matters that I'm American. I just realized saying I would be up for a while would sound odd in your time zone.

Piffly Sat 12-Apr-14 06:18:24

You are a wonderful strong mother & you're doing the right thing 100%. Your DC are so lucky to have you. You're breaking the cycle & protecting them too. Keep us posted later if you can. thanks

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:18:54

Do you feel you can leave the room you're in? I thought a cup of coffee or tea might steady you if you feel like safe to creep out.

Innocentbystander01 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:19:01

Holds hand. If children wake as another poster said daddy is helping police with something maybe an alarm going off at work to explain why he is going with them?
Are you friendly with neighbours maybe they could take them for an hour they do wake?

JazzyCardi Sat 12-Apr-14 06:19:22

I'm up for a while NeedAdvice. I'm so sorry you've been put in this position, but I do want to say that you're doing the right thing. You really, really are.


Waffles80 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:19:31

I'm here too - you've been incredibly brave and strong. Well done. Is there any way you could make yourself a cup of tea? With some sugar? Or maybe have something small to eat? You've coped on adrenaline so far and some sugar now will help keep your energy up. Again, really well done. You're a wonderful mum.

KepekCrumbs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:19:58

My heart is in my mouth for you. Goodness knows how you must be feeling.

You are a brave and good mum.

I'm still here... You are doing the right thing.

<proffers hand>

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:20:15

i doubt he will shout abuse.....he is going to wake up with 2 coppers standing over him.

they will come soon.

you rang at 6.ish....7 is shift change. they will want him processed and booking in before then....
they will hand him over to the next shift. (they will do a comprehensive hand over package explaining everything) they wont mess about due to time....
they may take him and arrange for the next shift to come and get your statement.
dont wobble. you are absolutely doing the right thing, for him, for you and for the kids.
this is the not so nice bit....but its needed.

Innocentbystander01 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:21:50

Also if it does kick off which I don't think it will my ds was carried out of his room at 4yo by a policeman and he's 16 now and doesn't remember a thing.

speedyboots Sat 12-Apr-14 06:21:55

Just read this and offering a hand to hold. I won't be able to check back in much as 11-month-old DS is just having a feed then will be up for the day. But I'll be thinking of you. You've absolutely done the right thing. I can't imagine how hard it was to make that phone call but he has made this situation, not you. thanks

wallaby73 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:23:22

I just want to tell you how massively important and strong what you have just done is.......often we are forced to act and at that moment and the moments after (as in right now for you) we feel at our weakest, most afraid and most doubtful......yet you will look back on this as a defining moment for you, your life and your dc's life......please stay strong, hold on to the fact that you have just acted for you and your children's future. The alternative is just too bleak to consider....for so many reasons. You are in shock, pain and kind to yourself, help is coming xx

No real advice but you've done the right thing. Good luck, hope it goes ok xxxx

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:27:24

I'm here. You absolutely must report this and remove this man from your life. He has made promises to you in the past about his drinking and broken them, and it has escalated to this. Things will only get worse, he has proven that.

Do not let him minimise it by using the fact he was drunk as an excuse. This makes it worse in a way, as he has shown that you cannot trust him not to drink, and that he becomes violent with no provocation. What if one of your children had tried to get in bed and moved his pillow?

He needs to feel the consequences of what he has done. I hope the police get there soon. How is your face now?

By the way you absolutely must report this. HE has done this so any consequences will be HiS fault.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:27:35

They are here. They are nice, shocked at my face. I haven't looked in the mirror. He is going to be arrested, they are trying to wake him. No shouting yet. They asked why I waited before calling and I said friends were advising me to ring.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:29:01

Oh, thank goodness they're there, that's so good.

saffronwblue Sat 12-Apr-14 06:29:26

You are so brave. You will look back on this night and be so proud of yourself.

KepekCrumbs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:30:08

How is your face now? Has it stopped bleeding?

Please don't be swayed by family - yours or his - who may try to get you to retract. Especially if there is a history of abuse through generations.

I hope your friend is supporive of what you've bravely done.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 06:30:48

It's almost over. Soon you can sit down and breathe a little.

imblet Sat 12-Apr-14 06:31:28

Another handed to hold here. You have done the right thing, this has to stop now. Have you heard back from your friend, you need to be with someone.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:32:20

im hoping your lack of further posts mean the police are there.....

i must get to bed and grab a few hours sleep - but please feel free to pm me back and ill get it when i get up.

stay strong and steadfast - do not feel guilty - you are not the party in the wrong here.
this may be the wake up he needs.

you are doing really really well. dont think about it - just get into autopilot and do what is needed.

i will check back later today - please pm me and let me know how you are.
take care and stay strong.
you will go through a whole range of emotions. thats natural and normal. if you need to talk it through after the police have gone then call womens aid.
they are brilliant.
when he has gone, call your friend. see if she can come over. you will need some support and a shoulder to cry on.
then look at your kids and remind yourself you have done this for them - to protect them, to protect you, to force him into getting help for his drink problem.

ill check back later..

Christmascandles Sat 12-Apr-14 06:34:28

Another friend here holding your hand. You have done the right thing. I can't imagine how scared you must be feeling.
I'm going to make brew and await your update thanks

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:34:44

ill be up at about 2ish....

pm me.
if you have any questions jot them down. you will get an incident number and a crime number.
note them down.
if you have any questions that need answering, call 101 and give the crime number - someone should be able to help you or get an officer to call you back.

you will get a call anyway when its all sorted.


TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:35:39

So glad they're there. If the have any experience/knowledge of DV they will understand why it took you a while to call. They will just be trying to establish facts/timeline.

Now they have seen your face and a dh comatose from drink it is not much to put two and two together - there is sufficient "evidence" for them to arrest him and it will be taken out of your hands now. To protect victims of dv from the pressure to drops charges/retract statements, they will press on now regardless on your behalf.

Please remember HE did this, not you. You need to keep yourself and your family safe. He crossed the line, and if you did nothing he would almost certainly have done it again I can guarantee.

Do you need medical help for your face? You may have broken something. Big hugs. Go and make yourself a cup of sweet tea and try and sleep or at least rest once they take him. Do you have anyone in real life who can come over? Perhaps keep the kids amused when they wake so you can rest?

Christmascandles Sat 12-Apr-14 06:36:02

Oh, and vicar, you are awesome smile

KepekCrumbs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:37:32

Vicar, you are such a special person on here. You always find time to give really useful and practical advice. I hope if I ever need the support of the police, it's you or someone like you.

OP- Thinking of you right now.

You are doing so well. When they have left, text your H's friend & cancel, so it's not on your mind that he might turn up.

Then sit down with a cup of hot sugary tea. You're a superstar xx

TallyGrenshall Sat 12-Apr-14 06:39:25

Well done, you have absolutely done the right thing and have been so brave. When the police have gone, sit down have something hot and sweet to drink and text your friend to come over.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 12-Apr-14 06:39:55

Hand holding. You have done the right thing.

TheBuggerlugs Sat 12-Apr-14 06:42:55

We'll done OP and Vicar you are amazing.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 06:46:58

im just so pleased that OP has found the strength to call....i will people on all the time but it has to be their decision. im not a miserable old cynic yet...

Op. you are brilliant.

when i take a DV statement i take a little background history, then a detailed account of the incident being reported.

you will need to sign a medical consent form.
you will need to have photos taken of the injury.

you would be well advised to get checked out - quick trip to A&E before it gets busy....see if pal can sit with kids for an hour.

i wish i could stay up but i must sleep....

this will all be over in a few hours.

see you at 2ish....

Littleturkish Sat 12-Apr-14 06:48:11

Hand to hold here. I hope they have woken him and he is gone now.

Vicar- you are brilliant. Golden.

Stay strong, we're all your friends and we're behind you.

thekitchenfairy Sat 12-Apr-14 06:48:13

Offering a hand to hold and a big well done.
Hope the DCs didn't wake up, brilliant advice once again from Vicar.
You have so done the right thing hope your friend is there today so you have some RL had holding.
Wishing you well.

CrystalDeCanter Sat 12-Apr-14 06:48:55

Blimey OP you poor thing. You've done REALLY well to call the police, I hope you're ok. Can you get a friend to come round this morning. You may well feel like falling apart once the adrenaline of tonight wears off and it might be nice to have some rl hugs available.

In the meantime heres a virtual <hug> for you.

I'd also like to say how amazing Vicar is.

Thebluedog Sat 12-Apr-14 06:51:35

Well done OP, you are protecting yourself and your kids..

My DH was arrested for domestic violence a few weeks ago (I called them), and doing this and making it public with his friends and family has ensured he doesn't brush it under the carpet.

Our marriage might be over but at least he's now having professional help and addressing his issues..

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 12-Apr-14 06:52:54

You have been so brave and strong. Well done. We are all so proud of you!

Wenchelda Sat 12-Apr-14 06:53:58

Well done OP. You've done the right thing even though it's been incredibly hard. Can you occupy the kids with DVDs/tv when they wake to give yourself time to think? I hope the friend you texted earlier is able to come over and give some real life support. I've had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat just reading this thread so I can only imagine how you are feeling. You are a very brave lady and your children are lucky to have such a strong mummy x

FromagePlease Sat 12-Apr-14 06:55:46

Another person thinking of you and sending virtual hand hold

kinkytoes Sat 12-Apr-14 06:55:52

((((hugs)))) OP you brave lady! You've shown him he can't do this to you. Respect to you. Hope you get that cup of tea soon.

Uptheanty Sat 12-Apr-14 06:58:06

I hope you're ok & they removed him without anymore trouble?

Innermagic Sat 12-Apr-14 07:00:17

thanks So sorry you are going through this stay strong and give your DCS lots of hugs

sebsmummy1 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:00:22

OP you are amazingly strong to call, I really admire you lady and Vicar you are awesome. Hand holding xx

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara Sat 12-Apr-14 07:01:36

Just read the whole thread.

Well done OP for calling the police. You have done the best thing you could have done for you and the DC.

Good luck with everything!

Attheendofmytether123 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:03:19

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing an amazing thing in being strong enough to protect you and your children. You are teaching them that violence is not acceptable. Hand holding thanks

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:05:29

op will be a bit busy for a couple of hours....dont worry if you dont hear from her for a bit.

hope pal can come and sit, occupy kids while you give the statement if they wake up before its taken.

its hard to concentrate and give an account while you are worrying about the kids hearing.
get pal over asap. dvd on, games, chocolate for brekky....

ideally you in another room, no distractions.
then trip to a & e.
dont lie to doctors, hard as it is....thats important - if medical evidence is required its important its truthful.

right. i must sleep....
hope you get a nap too will feel exhausted. hope you pal is able to stay for a few hours and look after kids.

wallaby73 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:05:47

And you do realise if you could "see" the support you have, you currently have about 100 mumsnetters standing with you in your house holding your hand, propping you up and urging you on...xx

dobedobedo Sat 12-Apr-14 07:10:29

OP you're a hero. I wish my mum had been as strong and as wise as you when she was faced with similar. My childhood would have been very different.
The advice on here has been brilliant too. Vicar, you're great. (and the others, sorry can't remember names)

lostlalaloopsy Sat 12-Apr-14 07:10:57

Well done OP, you have the absolute right thing. Having grown up with an alcoholic father who put drink above everything, I have seen the damage it can do. You and your dc deserve so much more than this.

Vicar - you are fab! What great advice and support.

Morgause Sat 12-Apr-14 07:11:26

You have done the right thing. Please stay strong.

Sickofhuffs Sat 12-Apr-14 07:11:42

Op I am so sorry this has happened to you tonight. Ur world has imploded. U are so strong to do the things u have done I am so proud of you and I'm so proud to be part of mumsnet. The support u have today and last night is huge. Love and strength to u And ur DC's today xxx

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 07:12:33

Well done, Need. Hope your friend can be with you asap.

oldnewmummy Sat 12-Apr-14 07:13:40

Another one with nothing to add but my respect for your bravery. You've done the right thing for yourself, your children, and your children's children.

Tealady1983 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:15:10

Just wanted to say I think you have done the right thing you have to put yourself and the children first. Amazing strength op and don't doubt that for a second it takes a lot of courage and guts to stand upto a bully. What a wonderful mum you are being showin your dc this is unacceptable behaviour from anyone well done and big hugs always hear for an ear if needed am up very regularly through the night with dd x

tribpot Sat 12-Apr-14 07:15:15

Well done, OP. You've done the hardest thing, but the right thing.

Please do make sure you are seen by a doctor, your injury sounds dangerous.

ChasedByBees Sat 12-Apr-14 07:21:32

So pleased you involved the police, he cannot be allowed to treat you - and his children because this will affect them hugely - like this. Giving you a hand to hold x

Vicar thanks

YoniMatopoeia Sat 12-Apr-14 07:23:48

Well done OP. Get some rl support if you can . Can the friend you were thinking of staying with come over?

chocolatespiders Sat 12-Apr-14 07:26:31

Need- what an awful night you have had I am so sorry.
Stay strong you have done the right thing for you and the future of your children.

kentishgirl Sat 12-Apr-14 07:30:38

Hi OP, I know you are either busy or resting right now, but I wanted to say how much I admire you for your courage and wisdom. You have 100% done the right thing for yourself and your children.

fedupandknackered Sat 12-Apr-14 07:31:02

im so glad you called the police. stay strong op x

Well done OP. How horrible - but remember you did not do this. He did.

Perhaps making contact with Al-Anon too? Not because I think you should work on your marriage - I don't, I think you should leave - but because you'll have support from other people used to alcoholism?

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:37:16

So he has been arrested and the officer said it's unlikely he will be sober enough to be questioned for a while. The police officer has gone to get some milk - none in for DCs breakfasts and my eyes are going black and the cut on my nose still bleeding. They are very nice. I have given a statement. I rang my friend and she's coming over. I asked if she thought I had done the right thing and she said we'll talk later. I really don't know if I have, or what to think.

Katekate77 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:38:22

I've just woken up and read this thread all the way through, and I just want to say I'm so, so proud of you! Your children are lucky to have you, and all of your lives will be much better without him.

I can't imagine how scared you are but without a shadow of a doubt, you have done the right thing. Talk to the kids and have a lazy day with them, order pizza and watch your favourite films. They will learn from this, that their mum is brave and strong and that violence is not to be stood for. Sending big hugs x

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:40:15

Thank you again to everyone. Vicar you were great, have a good rest. I will check in when I can, please keep supporting me. I am visualising the 100 Mumsnetters hug!

LarryAdler Sat 12-Apr-14 07:40:40

Well done OP. Don't doubt yourself. You have absolutely done the right thing and you have shown true courage.

Footle Sat 12-Apr-14 07:44:45

If your friend doesn't understand what has happened or how you have dealt with it , that's her problem. Give her this thread to read. The replies from people who went through this as children should be enough to make her understand.

Uptheanty Sat 12-Apr-14 07:45:06


You have definately done the right thing. No matter what happens don't ever doubt that. You have changed the course of your life forever by taking action. What would the alternitive be? To continue in the same vein, hiding the bruises, lying to everyone while tolerating escalating violence?

What will be really telling will be how your dh will react when he sobers up.
Will he finally take responsibility and seek help? Will he be more angry & blame you? If it is the latter then you have done your best & you should walk away head held high.


KeatsiePie Sat 12-Apr-14 07:45:06

Of course you have done the right thing. Please, please don't let yourself think otherwise. I'm very glad the police were so helpful.

I'm going to bed now, I hope you can have a restful day. So glad so many MNers are here.

You really have done the right thing. Please don't forget it. This was the only choice that would keep you and your children safe. The only choice. You were very brave to make that choice thanks

imblet Sat 12-Apr-14 07:45:18

Yes, yes, yes you have done the right thing. You have protected yourself and your children. It has been a horrible night and one you won't forget but you have been so strong and brave. Get your face checked out as soon as you can and accept every piece of help and support you are offered.

Abbykins1 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:46:26

Needadvice,my heart goes out to you.

This is mumsnet at it's best.


Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 07:46:53

Just seen this and adding my support. Well done for reporting and well done vicar for your support with doing that.

ColdTeaAgain Sat 12-Apr-14 07:47:53

Hi OP, just read this sorry that your husband has treated you like this, it is truly appalling. You have done the right thing. Just be open and honest with the police they will understand that it took you a while to find the courage to call them. You were in shock after all.

I think you are being incredibly brave. As others have said, just worry about yourself and your DC. There is no shame in what has happened to you.

You'll have a lot of reading to do when you make it back here but I just want to add my support. You can't go on living with a violent drunk (have some experience of that too) and you certainly can't bring your children up in that environment.

In a while (days, weeks, months) you will be able to see with a clear perspective and you will feel relieved that you've taken these steps. Stay strong and know that you are getting excellent advice from people who care for your wellbeing brew

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 12-Apr-14 07:49:46

OP, you have done the right thing. Your friend isn't in your relationship - you are. Your friend wasnt hit - you were. Your friend doesn't have your two kids to protect - you do. So if she thinks you've not done the right thing, she's wrong. The only person who has done the wrong thing here is your husband.

tillyann2013 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:50:14

Here's another hug. You've done amazingly well op, hope you get some rest today.

januarycat Sat 12-Apr-14 07:50:29

You have so done the right thing
Sending hugs, tea & toast. Hope your friend is supportive.

Looiloo79 Sat 12-Apr-14 07:50:42

Well done op. You have done the right thing even though you will have mixed feelings about it now.

Similar happened to me a few years ago - alcohol induced violence and I reported to the police.

They are fantastic at dealing with these Crimes and you will be supported immensely. Victim support were great too. Don't suffer in silence.

Hope you are ok. Big hugs. Xx

Sending you a big hug. You have done the right thing.

Remember the moment he hit you he was the one who chose to involve the police. He cannot hide behind his job, if anything he should have been more measured in his actions because of it.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

In 20 years time, if someone did the same to your daughter, what would you tell her to do? It would be to report and to leave.

You are Wonder Woman, and an awesome example of strength and doing the right thing to your children. thanks

AllThatGlistens Sat 12-Apr-14 07:56:01

Just read this through now.

You've absolutely done the right thing, truly you have. You're so brave, and this will teach your children and reinforce to yourself that no one should ever have to live in fear.

I know your head is spinning, and family and friends will be shocked and may not say anything helpful at first whilst the process it but you are doing the right thing. Without question.

Another hand to hold flowers

Deathwatchbeetle Sat 12-Apr-14 07:56:05

I thinkyou do need to go to a hospital or GP. Then the assualt is on record (as well as with the police). Maybe the friend can take you. I doubt if your friend would say you did the wrong thing. S/he will be supportive, I am sure.

Don't even think of feeling sorry for him. His drinking would probably affet his job further down the line. Your children would have suffered too - directly or indirectly.

Well done. Brave decision.

LottieJenkins Sat 12-Apr-14 07:56:30

Sending you huge hugs OP. You have been very brave!!

SheerWill Sat 12-Apr-14 07:58:01

Well done for being the strong woman your dc needed you to be when they needed you most. What the bastard did to you is totally unacceptable. You wouldn't allow a stranger to come up and punch you and this is no different. He deserves to feel the full consequences of what he has done and you deserve a happy future with your dc, free from fear and pain. All my thoughts will be with you today xxx

Fairylea Sat 12-Apr-14 07:59:25

You did the right thing. Make sure you take some photos of the injuries if you haven't already done this (not sure if I missed someone saying this) and ensure they have the date and time on them somehow (send them to yourself in an email if necessary to do this). Then you will have documented evidence for your own use should you need it in the future.

Do you need a doctor?

SheerWill Sat 12-Apr-14 08:01:19

Also, I know this might be hard but take a photo of your face. I know it's the last thing you want to so right now, but it's evidence for yourself. When you doubt whether what you're doing is the right thing you can see what he did to you and remind yourself.

RedFocus Sat 12-Apr-14 08:07:21

Oh op how bloody awful for you and your dc's. You have done the right thing of course. I would have done exactly the same in your shoes. Now that he is out of the house you can sort yourself out. How's your nose doing? Do you think it needs medical attention? Could be broken and need stitches. I hope your friend is very supportive and you get some rest. thanks

RedFocus Sat 12-Apr-14 08:08:11

(((((((Huge hugs)))))))

RollerCola Sat 12-Apr-14 08:09:02

I think that as the mn audience starts to wake up this morning, those 100 friends that have been supporting you through the night will swell to 500 or even more. Have you got room in your kitchen? Shall we bring some more chairs? grin

Well done op. I think I speak for everyone when I say you have absolutely done the right thing. Don't doubt it for one minute.

Day shift checking in for hand holding duties.
I'm sure, as soon as your friend sees your face, that she'll agree with us that you've done absolutely the right thing x

JoshandJamie Sat 12-Apr-14 08:13:16

I woke up this morning and was annoyed that my husband hadn't washed the dishes from the night before. Kind of puts it in perspective when you read this.

OP - I am sure you're about to go on a rollercoaster of a journey but you have been mega strong so far and should feel immensely proud of doing the right thing in looking after yourself and your children. It doesn't matter if your husband has never done this before - under the influence or not - he did it. Hang in there. xx

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 08:14:48

Please go and see someone, two black eyes and a bleeding nose is not good at all, the bruising is essentially from blood collecting around the eye sockets and I really wouldn't be surprised if you have fractured your nose or another of your facial bones.

The severity of your injuries shows this wasn't just a drunken random lash out (not that that is acceptable). In that moment he really intended to do you some damage. Yes he was drunk, but do you trust him to never get drunk again? The next time he gets drunk it could be even worse and god forbid what could happen.

Never, ever doubt you have done the right thing. I am sure as soon as your friend sees your face she will agree you have, and if she doesn't then she is deluded!

Stay strong op, and please get someone to look at your face! A&E will be best as I suspect you will need scans/X-rays to check for fractures - they won't be able to do that at WIC or minor injuries. And make sure you take pics before leaving as they may apply dressing etc.

Atbeckandcall Sat 12-Apr-14 08:15:51

Just wanting to tell you that you've absolutely done the right thing. You are being brave and putting yours abc dc's needs before worrying about your DH. If anyone dares to question whether or not you've done the right thing, they don't deserve to have you around.

Don't worry about the consequences the arrest will have on your DH, that's his issue to sort, not yours.

Sending you lots of hugs and will be here too if needed.

Vicar, you're bloody marvellous btw.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:17:26

Thank you again. I gave a statement and police have gone though DV unit come later. Phoned H's friend and cancelled, I said H was ill. DCs dressed and having cornflakes and friend on her way round. To be fair on her she had just been woken up (no DCs) so was a bit blindsided. I will ask her to photograph my face. The police officer said my nose is broken and it's not possible to stitch the bridge of the nose though A and E would glue it if needed. Will see how it goes.

H won't be interviewed until he is sober enough so won't be released until late afternoon. His wallet keys and phone are all here. If he is Cautioned then that's finished and he can come back, if it is sent to court he is bailed and I can ask he doesn't come here. I don't know what I want at the moment, I want to know how he is about all of this - remorseful, angry or what.

I can't think about my marriage right now. I meed to think what to do about work tomorrow and what to say to anyone outside about my face. I need to get through the day with my DCs.

Thank you so much to everyone who was there for me in the night, and all your support this morning.

KepekCrumbs Sat 12-Apr-14 08:21:21

I hope your friend can mind the dc for you to have a little sleep today. You must be shattered.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 08:22:40

And fwiw if you go to. A&e nowish, before all the rugby and footie injuries come in, you should get seen fairly quickly.

You could always dress in a rugby kit so you feel less conspicuous in the waiting area! wink

But tell the drs/nurse the truth of course, their reaction to it will tell you you gave done the right thing, and you have it there on record, you have had to go to hospital because you have been beaten by you partner. Can you not see how awful it is and how he deserves everything he gets? If I ever hit someone so hard I gave them two black eyes and a bloody nose, and would expect to feel the full force of the law, so why should he be any different?

More hugs. You are amazing, and don't deserve all this.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 08:24:46

I think you just need to front it out at work tbh, tell the truth. You don't have anything to be ashamed of or cover up (unless you have voices telling you still to protect h - don't listen to them). Tell people matter of factly just exactly what happened and don't be ashamed - you can't hide your face so I don't see what else you can do really. X

elQuintoConyo Sat 12-Apr-14 08:25:55

A big (((hug))) from over here.

You have absolutely done the right thing - for you AND your children.

Things will be up in the air for a long while, but it will settle and you will be able to start afresh, without fear.


BuzzardBird Sat 12-Apr-14 08:26:06

Just read all of this. I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I hope you are going to hospital when your friend gets there? Vicars advise was brilliant wasn't it? Well done you on being strong enough to break that cycle. Pity our mothers didn't have Mn there would be less shit for us to sort out now. Big hugs and support to you and your dcs.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 08:27:39

I don't think you should decide based on whether he seems remorseful - they all seem remorseful and you've already been on that roller coaster once and he's fucked it up.

He's punched you right in the face and broken your nose. You can't take him back after that can you?

BuzzardBird Sat 12-Apr-14 08:27:49

I agree with offred about telling the truth. Hiding it is what they used to do, that is why people are still going through it partly.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:28:33

I think unless it gets hard to breathe there's not much point going to A and E, broken noses just have to heal themselves and the cut has clotted over. All very sore though.

I'm not there with seeing he should get what he deserves Tossed - I'm used to caring about him and I think when he knows what he's done he will feel terrible. I don't think a relationship can come back from this though I am dreading the impact on DCs if we split.

FabULouse Sat 12-Apr-14 08:29:11

Thinking of you today OP.

So glad you decided to report to police. It is a very hard thing to accept that someone who is meant to love and respect us is capable of such a violent act. You have demonstrated that you are worth more than that and that you are preserving the safety of your DCs too.

You are not responsible for his actions, and you're not responsible for any consequences he faces.

Please consider going to a&e to be properly checked and treated. Even if they don't need to do anything such as gluing or suturing, they can give you some strong pain relief if you need it. On odd occasions an injury doesn't seem too serious at the time, but unexpected complications could develop after some time so it's really best to have injuries assessed at the time if you can bear it today.

Vicar you rock, totally. Thank you for being a police officer who is keen to support, advise and empower a distressed, anxious, assaulted woman to ask for professional help to get herself and her children safe.

[tea] for you OP. Thinking of you today.

Ilovexmastime Sat 12-Apr-14 08:29:18

Just read the full thread and wanted to say well done, you're being very brave. As for what to tell people about your face, I would hold your head high and tell them the truth - you have done nothing wrong!

BuzzardBird Sat 12-Apr-14 08:30:09

What if it needs re setting?

BoreOfWhabylon Sat 12-Apr-14 08:30:19

Well done OP. You have absolutely done the right thing. Well done to the MNers who have supported and advised you overnight and extra-special well done to the wonderful Vicar, who has once again come up trumps.

As others have said, you really do need to get your injuries examined in A&E today, not least for documentation, but mainly because it sounds very likely that you have fractured your nose. If the cut is overlying the fracture then this means it is a compound fracture, which is more prone to complications if left untreated.

Hugs from me too. This too shall pass and all shall be well.

elQuintoConyo Sat 12-Apr-14 08:31:06

<page refreshed as I posted>

He broke your nose? HE BROKE YOUR NOSE!

Please, Need get as much rl support as you can. Calling your friend over was a great step.


LavenderGreen14 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:32:03

Can you take steps to get an injunction - I really hope you can see that him coming back will risk the safety of you and your children. I also think you need medical attention - plus it is another record of what he has done to you. Don't forget you also have a duty to protect your children from harm - sorry to say that, but you know what I mean.

Please don't let him back.

BuzzardBird Sat 12-Apr-14 08:32:03

And a blow to the head is always serious. I would be safe rather than sorry when you have dcs that need you.

FabULouse Sat 12-Apr-14 08:32:21

What you don't want is for a broken nose to heal with a significant deviation which causes nasal airway obstruction, sinus drainage impingement leading to frequent infections, or a haematoma somewhere in your face which turns into an infected abcess. Also it's good to check for possible fractured cheekbones/eye socket as these can be subtle but have an impact on eye function if not treated.

I'm sure you don't feel like it at all, but it would be the wisest and safest thing to do.

sebsmummy1 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:33:51

Please go to A&E to get your nose seen to. I'm not sure that's accurate that if it's broken there is nothing they can do. I would want done professional advice on that.

As for what you can say re. your injury at work, I have no idea! I would really struggle to lie and come up with a big back story, but the truth may make you the subject of gossip. I think this is a lose lose situation sad

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 08:33:51

There's a point in that police aren't clinicians and it might need some treatment, also it will produce more evidence for legal aid you might need in the future but I can see why you wouldn't want to go and feel exposed waiting in the waiting room.

The dc will be fine if you leave. They will be sad/affected by this whether you stay or leave. You can minimise the risks to them by leaving and insisting on protection for them when they see him - no drinking etc. by leaving they'll learn the right messages for their future relationships. If you stay any boys will learn to punch/drink any girls to be a punchbag.

notapizzaeater Sat 12-Apr-14 08:33:55

If it is broken it needs looking at to make sure it's all in alignment, you don't want it to set wrong and them have to rebreak it

BoreOfWhabylon Sat 12-Apr-14 08:34:19

Correction to my previous post. Of course you haven't fractured your nose, he fractured your nose.

Realitybitesyourbum Sat 12-Apr-14 08:34:28

You should go to A and E just for them to assess it. Apart from the fact that you can't tell with noses sometimes what long term damage could be left and give you breathing difficulties etc, you need to have it logged as the punch being serious to require medical treatment, otherwise your husband and the courts could downplay the incident.

Sorry you are going through this....

BigArea Sat 12-Apr-14 08:34:32

OP just read your thread and wanted to add my voice to those saying you definitely did the right thing. I suspect your friend will say the same when she actually sees your face. But if she doesn't, don't let her undermine you. Ask her to leave, post back here and MNers will bolster you. Well done.

Clearlymisunderstood Sat 12-Apr-14 08:35:46

Another hand holder to say you absolutely did the right thing OP x

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 08:36:39

And as well as making sure your injuries are investigated, treated and documented the level of injuries will determine what kind of assault offence he is charged with. It will help the case to have a medical record. Please go to a&e.

tribpot Sat 12-Apr-14 08:39:35

I agree with Buzzard, I do think a blow to the head needs to be checked out.

HicDraconis Sat 12-Apr-14 08:40:19

More ((hugs)) and support. Definitely think you'll need more chairs in your kitchen as more people read & support.

You have made the right decision. For yourself, for your children - and for your H, who may use this as a turning point. That's up to him though - right now, you just need to believe and know that you have made the right choices.

Broken noses can heal straight, but they can also heal crooked. It's worth visiting ED so they can document the injury but also if it's very wonky, refer you to ENT to have it manipulated to heal straight. Up to you but if you did head to A&E, you absolutely wouldn't be wasting anyone's time. Good luck.

Atbeckandcall Sat 12-Apr-14 08:41:06

Definitely go to A&E, long term implications if not checked out could be rather uncomfortable.

Yes your dc will be sad in the short term, but in the long term they will be happy and confident. By not accepting this behaviour you have taught your children that DV is not acceptable or to be tolerated. From your previous post, I gather your mum didn't do that. You're also showing them that you are putting their needs, safety and care before your dh's. They are absolutely the most important things your dc can learn from this. And it is awful being a child and living with the anxiety in case it ever happens again.

I can't commend you enough on your actions so far. (((((Hugs)))))

Kniternator Sat 12-Apr-14 08:41:13

Read this early morning, so glad you took the advice. You have been tremendously brave. Look after yourself, you did the right thing x

Hissy Sat 12-Apr-14 08:41:54

Good good, you poor thing! What a truly awful night you've had!

You really have done the right thing; for you, for your DC, for your H for that matter. Maybe now he'll be forced to look at his behaviour and get help. Covering for him won't make him change anything will it?

You really do need to go to hospital, and you really do need to tell them the truth.

Remember, YOU DIDN'T do this, HE did this to you. You have no need for shame here. You need the support, medical attention and care from those all around you.

Telling the hospital staff will help them help you better. It will also help you gain access to Legal Aid and support with Housing/childcare. You need this documented, if you don't get this assault established, it will really hamper you IF you need legal stuff like divorce/custody/csa things sorting out.

It may not come to that, but this is all about maximising the support/protection/leverage you may need for the future.

FabULouse Sat 12-Apr-14 08:41:58

Not sure what pp meant by referring to a 'lose lose situation'?

The fact is an assault has taken place with resulting injuries and severe disruption to home life and emotional health.

OP, re work, my suggestion would be that you contact either your manager if you have a reasonable relationship with them, or the HR department directly. I'd suggest you're honest about what's happened and state (the bleeding obvious) that you expect 100% discretion and that for your emotional health you will need to be in control over who at work, if anyone, knows what has happened to you. You could follow this up by email.

Your GP in the circumstances will be happy to sign you off work for as long as you need I'm sure, eg if you need a few weeks to not only heal facially but accept what has taken place emotionally and deal with practical stuff that arises.

daisychain01 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:42:41

Another hand-hold from me and to say how well you have done so far!

Like the other good advice, it really is critical to try to get over to A&E because a blow to the face always needs to be checked out, if only to give you the all-clear, and to have an official medical record which is worth having in your circumstances.


ChasedByBees Sat 12-Apr-14 08:43:47

You did absolutely the right thing. I would go to A&E just to be safe. You're being so strong. xx

FabULouse Sat 12-Apr-14 08:43:48

Also reiterating there is no shame for you to carry. I totally understand you valuing privacy and discretion but you have nothing to feel ashamed or secretive about.

Hissy Sat 12-Apr-14 08:44:46

You have been really brave, some of us sadly know how brave you've been, and I want you to know that you have absolutely done the right thing, and this fear will subside, you will be strong again.

The Mumsnet Hug is now approaching 200! We're here as long as you need us to be.

Quinteszilla Sat 12-Apr-14 08:45:08

You have done the right thing. I also think you need to get to A&E and get your face seen. You are very brave. flowers

StampyIsMyBoyfriend Sat 12-Apr-14 08:45:13

Well done OP. Can't imagine how you feel, but some great advice on here.

Thinking of you thanks

Logg1e Sat 12-Apr-14 08:45:41

One quick thought regarding friends. They'll be looking at it from their point of view some, if not all, of the time. That might colour their thoughts regarding you calling the police. Don't think for a second that you didn't do the right thing. Your kids needed you do this, and you did it.

I am so, so glad you phoned the police. You completely did the right thing. If your friend says different, she is wrong.
Even if your "d"h is remorseful, what is to stop him behaving like that again. He had agreed to stop drinking before and started again. He needs professional help. However, you don't have to be his punching bag ever.
He crossed a line and it really doesn't matter how drunk he was. He must have known what he was doing to hit you with such force.
Tell everyone the truth that way it is harder to minimise later.
This won't be an easy journey you are starting out on. However, ultimately it will be happier, free from fear and better for your children.
You have been incredibly brave. Well done you.
Also, wonderful advice from Vicar once more.

KatOD Sat 12-Apr-14 08:46:38

Well done you, and big admiration for those who supported you through the night.

You've absolutely done the right thing, you need to put you and DC first.... And do you know what, in a way you're helping him too with a wake up call about the impact of his drinking...

StampyIsMyBoyfriend Sat 12-Apr-14 08:46:44

Also, please go to A&E. If it heals crooked, you could be scarred for life. It might not seem important now, but you'd have a constant reminder.

Purpleknickers Sat 12-Apr-14 08:47:28

Another here wanting to add support and say how pleased I am that you found the strength to report this. I hope you manage some sleep sometime today and stay strong you are doing brilliantly. My heart was in my mouth reading your thread and I audibly sighed with relief when vicar came along to advise you.

You can get through this and everyone is here to hand hold

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sat 12-Apr-14 08:47:43

Op you have been amazing. And Vicar-can we have MNetter of the year just for her? Go to a and e please. And if he is released do not be in the house alone with him. (Personally I'd have lots of people silently watching whilst he got his stuff and went) if he is all remorseful or "forgetful" show him your original post, that should scare him.
You go to hospital then get some rest. flowers

daisychain01 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:47:53

Yy to explaining to your work. They have some duty of care to you in terms of supporting your current circumstances, and covering your absence. Plus they must exercise absolute discretion.

I remember years ago, the receptionist at work used to come in with a black eye from time to time. People were extremely discrete, just gave her space but there was an extra level of emotional support there that really helped her feel less alone. It does bring out the good in people and removes the isolation. She went through a break up but the work support was helpful to her, she said.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 08:49:12

What I mean is that any consequences that come from this is because of his actions, and therefore only what he deserves iyswim? I know you are not out for revenge or to make him suffer. I just don't want you to blame yourself, you must be feeling horribly betrayed. I hope I haven't upset you. I think you are being wonderfully brave.

Fwiw I am starting work as a junior doctor in August, and it sounds like there might already be other medical people on the thread. I know it will be stressful, but I do think your injuries need assessing properly. You may be right that nothing more needs doing, but I think it needs looking at just in case. My experience of A&E is at this time of the day you will be seen quite quickly.

LavenderGreen14 Sat 12-Apr-14 08:51:21

I agree with others, do tell work and anyone else who can help you. Do not cover up or lie for him and certainly please do not be ashamed of what he has done. This is all his doing - and no amount of sorrys or false promises can take away what he chose to do to you. Please do not give him any more chances.

KaFayOLay Sat 12-Apr-14 08:51:45

I want to high five all you users who in the dead of night, encouraged the OP to do the right thing. Does this place ever sleep?

I also wish a place like this had been around 20 years ago when my poor sister was in the grips of dv.

She didn't have the courage to leave, she made the age old excuses for her bruises. My nephew, who was 3 at the time, would say "I saw daddy hitting mummy's head against the toilet". Still she would deny it.

She left eventually, after years though, not months.

She lives with his legacy every day in the shape of epilepsy. Being in HDU over Christmas with near constant fits, still didn't make her leave.
How I wish she'd been gently nudged to do the right thing.

OP, I wish you much strength in the coming days/months to do what you think is right and best for your family.

kalidanger Sat 12-Apr-14 08:51:49

I've only read OP's posts but - when similar happened to me the police told me I had to go to A&E to get a doctor to examine me in terms if an official record. "Multiple punch injuries", I think it was. Sitting there with two black eyes wasn't fun obviously but as I say it's an official record rather than just a note in the cop's book.

It's going to look and feel a LOT worse over the coming days OP sad I'm so sorry he has done this but if there was ever a last straw then this has to be it thanks

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Apr-14 08:51:52

I've just woken up to this.

You have done the right thing. Please go to A&E though.

petmyunicorn Sat 12-Apr-14 08:54:00

I know this is the smallest of all possible details for me to focus on, but you CAN get stitches across that part of the nose. I spent all day Tuesday with someone who needed internal and external stitches to that exact place! (Spent all day socially, they'd been stitched the day before.)

You are amazing.

I wish my mother had been so strong. Would have saved us all years of heartbreak and abuse. Sending you love and support....and plenty of hand holding if you need it.

WeAreDetective Sat 12-Apr-14 08:54:44

Broken nose, bloody hell! You have been amazing, op. that's such a difficult decision you took.

If it was a friend and this had happened to them, would you advise them to go to A&E?? Because I think you should look after yourself x

Massive hugs from me, you have my total support.

Jollyphonics Sat 12-Apr-14 08:55:03

OP I have no experience of DV other than the many threads I've read on here, so I may be talking rubbish. But the recurring theme seems to be that the victims have low self esteem, placing their own value low down the list, beneath everyone else. They worry about how their actions will affect their abuser's job, their kids, the extended family etc, putting their own needs way down the priority list.

Obviously no one can reverse self esteem issues over night, so it's often easier to minimise what happened, try to protect everyone else from the pain of the abuse, and think if they just try really hard and give the abuser a second chance then it will be for the greater good.

So maybe a helpful strategy in this situation would be to turn it on its head, and imagine how you'd act if your husband had punched one of your children in the face instead of you. Imagine it was your 4 year old with a cut nose and black eyes, not you. What would you do then? Because your actions in that situation should be the same as your actions now that you've been punched. You are just as valuable and important as your child. No one would expect a man who punched his child to get any leniency, and the same should apply to a man who punched his wife.

YellowStripe Sat 12-Apr-14 08:56:33

Another one saying you absolutely did the right thing - and we are all acknowledging the strength and courage it took to make that call. Look after yourself, and be kind to yourself xx

Longdistance Sat 12-Apr-14 08:59:23

Glad you called the police. You have so much strength, it's admirable.

Go to a&e this morning, as in the afternoon you'll get the sports injuries coming in, and by evening it'll be the drunks. It'll be quiet now.

Good Luck.

Christmascandles Sat 12-Apr-14 08:59:57

Hi again Need. Oh what a night you've had....
You've been brilliant and you are absolutely doing the right thing and for the moment I just have two things to say,
Please go and get your nose checked. He has broken your nose. Please. When your friend get there go to a & e. It won't be too busy at this hour. I don't know if you have a dd but what would you say to her, or a friend, if someone broke their nose......

And secondly, please don't worry that the DC will be 'devastated' if you split. They will be more devastated if he hits you again and you hit your head as you go down.....

This isn't the end Need, it's the beginning. A beginning of a new life for you and the DC that doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol and violence. thanks

CrimsonDay Sat 12-Apr-14 09:00:42

Absolutely amazed at your strength OP, well done.
Please get it checked out though, broken noses can be deceptive and it's worth just making sure that nothing else is damaged.
Huge hugs to you xx

WeAreDetective Sat 12-Apr-14 09:03:04

Also high fiving the night crew. This is exactly why I love MN!!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 12-Apr-14 09:03:12

Need you have been so, so brave. You are amazing ((hugs))
Sorry I vanished but am in hospital and had early morning treatment so had to leave my phone.

Vicar you are absolutely brilliant. So amazing, everyone who has helped.

Need we will be there as long as you need us.

Kleptronic Sat 12-Apr-14 09:04:55

Well don need you have been amazingly brave.

Please go to a+e and get yourself checked out.


PenelopePitstops Sat 12-Apr-14 09:06:23

Wow, what an amazing woman you are! I am in awe of your strength and resolve to do the best thing for you and your children. Please look after yourself and I hope things turn out for the best in the long run. thanks

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 12-Apr-14 09:09:15

God, definitely get your nose looked at, you don't want it to heal wonky. Can your friend look after the DCs while you go in?

Lweji Sat 12-Apr-14 09:12:10

I have just seen this. You have done the right thing in calling the police.

He is likely to be released with conditions, but you may want to give a ring to NCDV 0844 8044 999 to arrange for an emergency injunction. Just in case.

And do go to A&E. You may need treatment. They may be able to reduce the swelling and check for any broken bones. And the evidence will be recorded.

And from someone who's been there, start telling people.
You may have a messed up face, but you can stand proud and say you got rid of the bastard. You are no more to blame than if you were attacked on the street by a drunken stranger.

Lweji Sat 12-Apr-14 09:15:43

Your mind will be on the DC now.

You have probably told them about it.
I told my DS that dad had hurt me and it was not safe to be with him.
You don't have to minimise it. Just be factual. And tell them that you won't put up with physical violence, and neither should anyone. That they will see dad when it's safe to do it.

headlesslambrini Sat 12-Apr-14 09:16:29

Just another one saying how brave you are. Be truthful with your boss. They need to know in case you need any time off to sort things through.

I would get some money moved over to a separate account so you have something just in case. You can always put it back later.

Get documents together in one place as well for safety. Give your friend a spare set of clothes.

Above all remember that YOU have not done anything to be ashamed of.

Coconutty Sat 12-Apr-14 09:16:33

You must be exhausted, please take it easy today.

Alcoholism is an absolute and utter bastard. Your DH is going to be distraught at what he did. Quite rightly.

Phoning the police was the right thing to do so he has to face up to what he's done. No apologises and empty promises.

Goo luck and stay strong x

Piffly Sat 12-Apr-14 09:18:04

PLEASE go to A&E for proper assessment, OP. If you won't put yourself first, please do it for your DC, who need their strong, wise mother safe & well.

You've been through hell & you deserve to be looked after. Let the medics take a look, to be on the safe side. We're with you all the way. thanks

mrstigs Sat 12-Apr-14 09:18:35

Here to offer another hand op. I think you have been so very brave. Hope you get your face patched up quickly and it doesn't hurt too much. And be kind to yourself today, you have been through a horrible traumatic experience and need to take care of yourself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 12-Apr-14 09:24:49

Have just read this thread, you have been so brave and thank God for the MN night crew and early birds.

Don't doubt yourself - your H chooses to drink and he shouldn't escape the consequences.

Not meaning to badger you but hope you go to A+E OP. Your friend could have the DCs while you go?

MandatoryMongoose Sat 12-Apr-14 09:29:53

Just offering another hand and thanks .

You've done everything right, now you need to look after yourself. Try and eat (especially if you will need to take painkillers) and see a Dr to check your nose over. If it heals badly it could leave you with long term issues.

More thanks .

Preciousbane Sat 12-Apr-14 09:31:58

Please go to A&E and well done for calling the police, once an abuser has hit like that there is no turning back. I stayed with mine for 7 years after the first time he hit me. It was a huge mistake and I can't get those years back.

Come back here for support, you can do this x.

Inertia Sat 12-Apr-14 09:33:30

Another one offering support here. You did absolutely the right thing in contacting the police - and remember, this is all happening because your husband punched you in the face, not because you subsequently sought help. He has to face the consequences of what he did.

Please, please go to A+E. With all respect, if you are not a fully trained medical professional with access to the rigt equipment then you cannpt possibly know what damage has been caused. It isn't making a fuss to get checked out - your children need to you to be fit and well. They may also be able to take more detailed pictures / x-rays etc to show the extent of the damage this brute did.

robindeer Sat 12-Apr-14 09:33:39

Alcoholism is the cruellest disease, it doesn't just destroy the life of the person suffering from it but everyone who loves them too. Please trust me when I say that there is nothing you can personally do for your husband that is more powerful than what you have done for him last night. You should be so proud of yourself. You protected your children, stood up for yourself and have forced a man to face up to his illness. Whatever he chooses to do next is down to him and I hope that you are never made to suffer a moment's remorse for it. You are so brave and so strong. Never forget it.

I second everyone here who has urged you to go to A&E. You said yourself that the police officers were shocked by the state of your injuries. Most of us can't imagine the sort of horrors that police officers have to see every day. If the extent of your injuries shocked them then they are definitely bad enough to get checked out.

Look after yourself OP, you have awed mumsnet with your strength and we are all rooting for you xxx

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 09:39:30

(((((((((((((((((More Hugs)))))))))))))))))))) and another Hand to hold. from Australia

Monetbyhimself Sat 12-Apr-14 09:47:30

You have done the right thing for you and your children. I also regret wasting many years after he threw his first punch. I wish I'd been as brave as you.

FobblyWoof Sat 12-Apr-14 09:49:10

You've done absolutely the right thing. Without a doubt. And sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest. You've been very strong so far. Take care

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sat 12-Apr-14 09:52:30

Well done you. Hope your friend is looking after you.

Oh Need sad

You are so brave and you sound like a wonderful, wonderful mummy - you have put your dc first through all this thanks

I know others have urged a&e, and may I just back that up? Ok, if it's "just" a broken nose then they may not be able to do much, but you need to have it assessed and, importantly, they can give you painkillers. You are going to be very sore, and you need to have something that will reduce the discomfort. If the police were shocked then, sadly, it must be pretty bad sad

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 10:03:23

just a thought, ring the attending police back and ask them if they NEED you to attend the E&R. its quite possible they do. For the records

RoseHoney Sat 12-Apr-14 10:10:58

Just read all the thread.
Well done for calling the police, you've done the right thing.
Please please go to a and e though, you need your nose seen to.
Massive hugs for you and your DC.

OxfordBags Sat 12-Apr-14 10:14:54

OP, you have done brilliantly. So sorry this happened to you. But you MUST go to A&E and get your nose seen to. It's not true that you have to just let broken noses heal, you need to get it reset. Leaving a broken nose to reheal by itself can cause lifelong breathing issues and other problems (as well as changing your looks). I know, I can't breathe properly out of my right nostril after I was accidentally headbutted in the nose by someone headbanging when I was younger.

It will also help your case to have your injuries officially documented. Police officers are not HCPs, get advice from the professionals on medical matters. I understand that you probably feel like hospital is too much stress for you, and the DC, after this, but as much as you are setting a brilliant example for them to see you not tolerating violence, you must set them the example that you must look after yourself too. Not getting medical help for an injury caused by domestic abuse still sends them the message that abuse and violence should be minimised and isn't that important. Please consider that aspect.

pausingforbreath Sat 12-Apr-14 10:19:31

I'm also offering some more handholding .

My first time commenting on a DV thread. I am so sorry that your Dh has done this to you in your own home.

If at any point you feel that you did the wrong thing by calling the police - be reassured that you did the only correct thing.

Both you and he now know that his shocking behaviour will no longer be tolerated or hidden. This has been such a brave, strong step for you. You should be so proud that you have stood up for yourself and your dc's.

I wish you peace in your lives. Please look after yourself by getting your nose looked at by a professional & good luck with your job.

Please also continue to hold your head up, the shame here is most certainly not yours.

SnakeyMcBadass Sat 12-Apr-14 10:30:24

I am so very sorry that your husband did this. I can only imagine how confused, hurt and vulnerable you must feel after being attacked by someone who is supposed to love you and that you should be able to trust. You have been so brave, and shown such strength, I'm in awe. You will get through this and look back and feel proud that you stood up for yourself and your DC when it was really hard to do so. Please get yourself checked out at a&e, they won't judge you. This is not your shame. Hang in there x

Not much to add advice wise.

Just wanted to say well done, you are very brave op.

Hope your feeling better later.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 12-Apr-14 10:56:02

Hope you have managed to go to a & e. I know your head must be spinning try to make decisions whilst your in shock by what's happened.

Raskova Sat 12-Apr-14 10:57:10

OP, you have been incredibly strong and you should feel very proud about that.

I really think you should go to a&e. Better that you don't regret it later.

Well done and lots of hugs and hand holding xXx

Cerisier Sat 12-Apr-14 11:00:29

Good grief OP this is horrendous. I hope your friend has arrived and you are feeling calm and supported. I am wishing you strength to cope with the next few weeks.

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:02:48

More ((((((((((((((((((((soft comforting HUGS)))))))))))))))))

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:03:31

Holds Your Hand

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 11:07:19

Wow thank you Mumsnetters, your support is making me cry. (In a good way). Have had some food and arranged for older DC to go to friend for afternoon then going to A and E with my friend and younger DC. Inspector rang and looks like H will get a Caution which means he will be free to go. I am going to ask him to stay elsewhere for a bit while I think what's next. Friend has offered jer flat if nothing else is possible, she will stay with me.

I still can't believe I'm a DV thread sad

Logg1e Sat 12-Apr-14 11:09:51

You're doing so well Need. Remember, the shame is his.

saffronwblue Sat 12-Apr-14 11:10:53

Hang in there need. So glad you are with a rl friend. Hope the day is not too traumatic for you. .

Snapespeare Sat 12-Apr-14 11:11:39

Just wanted to line up behind everyone else and hand hold and hug. It is awful that this has happened to you but you've done the right thing OP. You're very strong and brave and that strength is going to carry you and your DCs to a far happier place. It's awful now. It won't be awful for ever.

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:12:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wenchelda Sat 12-Apr-14 11:13:03

Glad your friend is being supportive and that you are going to a&e later. I hope things are ok (as much as they can be in this situation) if you have to see your H later.

baxterstockman Sat 12-Apr-14 11:13:40

I would be very surprised if he was cautioned for breaking your nose. I work with DV offenders who have been convicted and sentenced to Probation for much 'lesser' offences.

I would actually be quite angry on your behalf if he is not sent to Court for this.

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:13:55

Ive reported my Pics, above as Ive coppied the wrong one. exta sory and more ((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

pausingforbreath Sat 12-Apr-14 11:14:20

You're not just a DV thread. I said that; I apologise.

You're someone who is awesome.
With an awesome friend to boot - how amazing is she.
Glad you have a richly deserved support network to help you.

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:16:12

But................ he broke your face? How would he get off with a caution?

I dont understand. Unless its because its reported as his first offence. (in reality, its not his first, really)

Givesyouhell Sat 12-Apr-14 11:16:27

You have so done the right thing. Absolutely.

Someone told me, 'you know where you are with a dog that never bites. You know where you are with a dog that always bites and can keep yourself safe. The most dangerous dogs are the ones that sometimes bite'. It made sense to me at the time regarding a bad relationship I was getting out of.

OxfordBags Sat 12-Apr-14 11:16:34

I'm so glad you are going to get your nose looked at. Nice work, OP.

It must be horrible have to have a DV thread. But how much more horrible would it be to have a DV thread where you make excuses for your abuser and stay with him, ensuring future abuse for you and lifelong emotional damage for your DC...

NCISaddict Sat 12-Apr-14 11:17:24

Been lurking on this thread, please go to A&E to get your nose checked, it will need to be re sited if it is displaced as it can cause problems in the future if it is left to heal in the wrong place.
I broke my nose last year face-planting the tarmac and they had to check that the inside was ok, they also glued and steristriped the cut.

Well done on reporting it, I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you, hope you have good RL support as well as all the lovely and expert MN help.

Inertia Sat 12-Apr-14 11:17:57

So relieved that you have made plans to go to A&E.

Can the police not arrange for your husband to stay away from you and the house? Surely he cannot be freed to just waltz back in?

sebsmummy1 Sat 12-Apr-14 11:20:31

I don't know how he is going to even look at you when he comes home knowing he inflicted your injuries let alone expect to continue as you were. I'm sure he will feel immense shame.

GingerBlondecat Sat 12-Apr-14 11:21:00

They might need your hospital report to be able to actually Charge him.

PringleLicker Sat 12-Apr-14 11:36:39

Also sending hugs OP . You have been incredibly brave. Glad you are going to A&E. Hope there is no further hidden physical damage.

Remember you are the victim of an unprovoked violent nasty attack by a drunken bully. The fact that you are married to him is secondary.

You have already shown yourself to be brave and strong so far. thanks

Itsfab Sat 12-Apr-14 11:37:58

What does someone have to do to get arrested? shockangry.

PringleLicker Sat 12-Apr-14 11:38:42

Pleased that you have RL support now too.
You are doing all the right things.

heyday Sat 12-Apr-14 11:39:17

My teenage daughter went through 2 years of intimidation and DV from her boyfriend who was the father of her young baby. I saw her confidence and self esteem plummet. After he attacked her for the 5th time she finally agreed to the police prosecuting him. She took out an injunction against him and re built her life to become a strong, confident young woman again. It was so so hard though I won't deny that and social services treated her like she was the guilty party. It's fantastic and amazing to read all the wonderful support you have had here but please get some professional advice and support from the experts as they know the legalities re police, social services, injunctions, housing, benefits and can help you to make a decision about the way to proceed as the road ahead will not be easy at all. Make sure you keep any photos, crime numbers, police reports etc as you may well need them one day. Good luck and stay strong.

Quinteszilla Sat 12-Apr-14 11:39:23

Can you tell the inspector that you are too scared to accept him home, and if they can accompany him to pick up some things so he can go elsewhere??

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 11:39:44

I imagine he's getting a caution because it's a first offence and your statement maybe came across as not wanting him to be prosecuted/lose his job so to the cps it maybe looked as though it would be unproductive to prosecute him.

Don't minimise it in your mind though. I'm glad you are going to a&e for some proper treatment though.

Have you seen the dv unit?

Meerka Sat 12-Apr-14 11:42:13

well done, need. You've done the right thihg. Hope the A and E goes well.


Foodylicious Sat 12-Apr-14 11:45:01

Another offer of hugs ans support here. You have done amazingly well. Hope it goes well at A&E. have you let the police/DV unit know you are going to A&E? can that change the caution into a charge? he has caused actual harm.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sat 12-Apr-14 11:47:21

Another word of support to add to all the excellent advice already given.

I second getting a professional opinion about your nose, you don't want problems storing up for the future due to neglect at the outset.

Please remember none of this is your doing, you are the victim of a violent assault and nobody should ever have to suffer that.
As well as caring for your DC make sure to love yourself too.

These are the darkest times, but you will come through this and not have to be in fear of the same or worse happening again thanks

borisgudanov Sat 12-Apr-14 11:49:06

A caution? It was fucking ABH. First offence or not he deserves to be strung up by the bollocks.

But in that case at least get a non-molestation order or whatever you need to keep the bastard the fuck away.


I cannot believe someone can get off with a caution after breaking somebody's nose in a completely unprovoked attack in their own home. That is absolutely fucking outrageous.

Please get this man out of your life. It was you this time. The woman he is supposed to love. It could be the children next.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 11:54:47

Well technically he could have been charged with anything up to gbh because he broke the skin/bones. They will be concerned about wasting resources going to court if there are no witnesses willing to testify and no medical evidence.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 11:56:29

I imagine anyway. If the op made a statement saying she wanted him prosecuted then I would complain tbh.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 12-Apr-14 11:56:37

Just read the thread op.

You're amazing. Stay strong. Get through today. Then deal with things one at a time.


I agree- cannot believe he got a caution. Surely he should be charged?!

LavenderGreen14 Sat 12-Apr-14 11:57:41

I am shocked and saddened he is only having a caution. If the police took these crimes more seriously I am sure more women would take action.

I really hope he stays away from you and the children OP.

Can you call WA for advice too btw?

Just caught up with the thread op, you have been so strong, well done for putting your dc first, hope you are now on your way to A&E. Stay strong. flowers

And flowers for Vicar too, a fantastic source of calm level headed advice as ever! grin

MadameJosephine Sat 12-Apr-14 12:11:32

Well done OP, you have absolutely done the right thing. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you strength in this difficult time thanks

Absolutely staggered that this behaviour only warrants a caution though, if he'd thumped a stranger in the street and caused actual bodily harm I'm sure he would have been charged!

Cheerymum Sat 12-Apr-14 12:23:38

Another supportive voice here. Bravo, you deserve a medal and you are doing exactly the right things for your children and yourself. Good on you for creating time to get to A&E, and enlisting RL support.
And if you have spells of self doubt, even if your husband is lovely 99% of the time (and it doesn't sound like he is) there is NO place for this behaviour at all and the kindest thing you can so for him is to force him to face up to his alcohol problem, which you are doing. Hold your course. Big hugs.

IUsedToUseMyHands Sat 12-Apr-14 12:48:04

Well done OP you did exactly the right thing. I don't think it really matters what the punishment is; the important thing is there's a record of his violent behaviour and that will give you and the DC some protection for the future if you need it. There might come a point where you two are separated and he wants unsupervised contact; you don't want to be in the position of having genuine concerns about them witnessing violence in his household but having no evidence to back them up.

Barbara9755 Sat 12-Apr-14 13:23:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 13:25:04

WTAF Barbara? Taking a pillow from someone goads them into breaking your nose?!

I pulled the pillow roughly out from under my sleeping bf the other day, he woke up and said sorry!

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 12-Apr-14 13:25:55

Oh fuck off is she responsible what kind of fucked up logic is that?

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 13:28:21

Taking a pillow out from under a sleeping drunk shouldn't provoke a violent reaction. Why wasn't he sorry for waking her up and then passing out across the bed she was sleeping in?

Basically you're saying violent drunks shouldn't be held responsible for their unreasonable reactions and their partners should tread on eggshells to avoid being smacked otherwise they are responsible for being hit.

Treaclepot Sat 12-Apr-14 13:29:26

Ignore 'Barbara' who is more likely to be called Barry, with his very interesting 2 posts hmm

MadameJosephine Sat 12-Apr-14 13:29:58

barbara what a load of absolute bollocks. OP is in no way responsible for her husbands behaviour!

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sat 12-Apr-14 13:30:13

The op's dh woke her up by climbing on top of her before the incident. Would she have been justified in walloping him one? Of course not.

Tbh calling her a "cunt" before the actual violence would have been enough for me to ltb.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 12-Apr-14 13:33:17

I suspect Barbara is also a man. Surely women don't say things like "stay strong sister"

Barbara9755 Sat 12-Apr-14 13:37:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 13:38:44

Are you entitled to voice a victim blaming opinion without any logical basis without being criticised?

Footle Sat 12-Apr-14 13:39:12

Barbara9755, was 1955 the year of your birth ? I'd like to alert you to the fact that there have been some changes since then. I'm a good deal older than you are and I'm deeply shocked at what you've just said. I hope you have no young relatives who have heard this kind of opinion from you.

WeAreDetective Sat 12-Apr-14 13:39:21


You are easily offended grin

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 12-Apr-14 13:39:32

If you post a twat's opinion then you can expect to be treated like a twat.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 13:39:51

Criticism/suspicion isn't the same thing as abuse btw but an interesting perspective on what abuse is given you just blamed a woman for being violently abused by her partner.

schlurplethepurple Sat 12-Apr-14 13:39:55

Barbara how DARE you say that to the OP. You should be ashamed of yourself. What a cunty thing to say. People with your kind of attitude are repellent.

OP well done for being so brave and strong. Definately go to A&E and rock.

WeAreDetective Sat 12-Apr-14 13:40:15

There is never justification for punching someone in the face

LavenderGreen14 Sat 12-Apr-14 13:41:29

so disagreeing with Barbera is abuse but thumping your wife in the face isn't - what type of twisted logic is that?

Hope you are ok OP and have seen someone at A&E

AllThatGlistens Sat 12-Apr-14 13:42:05

Crawl back under your rock Barbara, the OP doesn't need to read that kind of bullshit.

Lets not get sidetracked by someone people!

This thread is for support for the OP.

Thinking of you Need and hope you get lots of support. You definitely did the right thing in reporting this.

You are being strong and brave, OP. You're doing the right thing for your whole family.

BumWad Sat 12-Apr-14 13:47:04

Fuck off Barbara.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 12-Apr-14 13:49:53

Barbara you are a dick.
OP you are not at fault.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 12-Apr-14 13:50:52

Bringbacksideburns is right let's not turn a support thread into a platform for trolls

randomAXEofkindness Sat 12-Apr-14 13:52:49

Message withdrawn.

WeAreDetective Sat 12-Apr-14 13:54:17

Report and move on people.

bluebayou Sat 12-Apr-14 13:56:23

So very sorry to hear of this , 2 things , if he"s done it once he will do it again , whatever he says. What would you tell your best friend to do in the same circs?
sad for you x

bluebayou Sat 12-Apr-14 14:00:29

To say a thing like that Barbara is just soo terrible, how could you , must be a bit nuts .
What a very sad , twisted person you must be , to be greatly pitied really.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 12-Apr-14 14:04:53

Vicar said she'd be back later she probably knows what generally constitutes an offence that merits a caution. Being ignorant of the protocol I only hope OP is safe.

Need am relieved you are going to get yourself checked over.

So glad your rl friend has been there for you.

tribpot Sat 12-Apr-14 14:07:05

Glad you're going to hospital, OP. Keep yourself safe.

CleverWittyUsername Sat 12-Apr-14 14:07:37

Need I am so glad you are going to get checked over. I feel for you so much. Keep strong and know you have done the right thing. For you and your children. You are being so strong.

I am newish so not sure if it's right or not, but I reported that awful comment Barbara put up. Victim blaming is disgusting. The OP needs support not someone messing with her head. Whoever you are, Barbara, you should be ashamed.

CadleCrap Sat 12-Apr-14 14:07:48

Please ignore what Barbara has spewed as it will be removed soon.

Report and don't feed the dickheads

NCISaddict Sat 12-Apr-14 14:16:09

I've have removed a pillow from under my DH's head fairly roughly on occasion when he has been drunk and snoring and guess what? he hasn't thumped me because he's not a violent person.

OP this was not your fault in any shape or form. Please listen to all the decent sensible people who are posting.

anyoneplease Sat 12-Apr-14 14:16:44

Well done OP. Wish you all the very best for next few days. You rock smile

NearTheWindymill Sat 12-Apr-14 14:20:31

Good luck OP. You deserve it. It will all work out even if the house has to be sold. Hope you have rl support.

Catmint Sat 12-Apr-14 14:27:40

Well done OP, you are very brave.

Thoughts are with you.

Well done night shift and Vicar.

TheSmallPrint Sat 12-Apr-14 14:37:06

OP what a horrible night for you, I hope you are down at A&E getting your nose seen to. Thinking of you.

Sorry you've had such a horrible experience, I'm glad you're going to A&E.
flowers for you and Vicar.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 12-Apr-14 14:42:05

Sorry about that disruption, we've dealt with that poster now. Wishing you the very best OP flowers

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 14:42:08

who the actual fuck has authorised a caution for a broken nose?????? no no no no no!

this is wrong.

ALL dv cases should go to CPS for charging decision - the CPS would absolutely NOT authorise a caution for a broken nose - its ABH for gods sake!

i wouldnt accept that.

he wont get bail conditions either if he gets a caution.

need i hope you get this before its too late.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 14:44:40

op im gonna pm you.

NearTheWindymill Sat 12-Apr-14 14:50:01

Apologies for minor derail here.

Vicar it is absolutely brilliant you are back at work. Wherever you live the people you protect are very very lucky to have you.

OP - just do what Vicar says please.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 15:02:18

op i pm 'd you.

you have some sway in how this is dealt with. If you have asked for them to go easy on him then that might explain it, but i think a caution a bit too easy....

its not classed as a conviction which is why im wondering if this is about his job....

are you happy with that outcome?

Lweji Sat 12-Apr-14 15:04:29

As an outcome, a caution may not be so bad.
You didn't want him to lose his job. And he was drunk, and he may well have confirmed what happened.

Is it right that while convictions are erased from a criminal record after a while, cautions are not? If so, it is possible that a caution is the best option here, particularly if they thought there was a low probability of a conviction. Particularly if the likely outcome of a conviction would be a suspended sentence.
But see what Vicarina says.

See how he reacts when you tell him to stay away. If he doesn't, then arrange for an injunction and a residency order.

MrsKCastle Sat 12-Apr-14 15:13:18

OP I have just read the whole thread. You absolutely HAVE done the right thing, and you are in no way to blame. Don't doubt yourself or let anyone tell you otherwise.

I hope that you don't have to see your H today- it's shocking that he could be allowed to go straight back home. Can you tell the police that you won't feel safe with him in the house tonight?

WitchWay Sat 12-Apr-14 15:15:29

Sounds like Vicar has a plan

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 15:18:06

to get a caution he would have to have admitted the offence in full.

so i would say the likelihood of a prosecution would have been good. It would also have allowed the setting of bail conditions to allow the op some breathing space and thinking time without him there.

there is no way that cps advice has been sought on this because i know for an absolute fact no cps laywer would have authorised a caution with a willing complainant, a full admission of guilt and a broken nose. This is a first offence against a person, so i cant see him having gotten much in the way of sentencing, but the likelihood is he would have been convicted.

however. IF there is an ulterior motive - ie his job - i can see why a caution might have been considered. i dont agree with it, but i can see why it may have been an option especially if the'victim had a strong opinion on how she wanted him dealt with...

its a very difficult position the OP is in. That said - i dont think she should feel any need to take any responsibility for his actions. he has a problem (alcohol) im not sure sweeping it away with a simple caution is going to address it.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Apr-14 15:20:23

right....i must go but i will keep checking back op....ive sent you a couple of pms...
i hope you are ok.

NearTheWindymill Sat 12-Apr-14 15:25:09

Is it a case though of he's been given and caution and it will remain at that providing he behaves himself in relation to the OP. I'd have thought that if he turns up at the family home today, tomorrow or the middle of next week and gets violent or causes any concerns whatsoever it's pretty much curtains for him.

Hopefully he's reasonable enough to realise he's lucky and that he now needs to comply entirely with a peaceful separation that requires his immediate withdrawal from the premises on a permanent basis. Could this not be best for all concerned?

hellymelly Sat 12-Apr-14 15:46:08

OP you were incredibly strong to call the police. It is very hard to think in a rational way when one is shocked and scared, injured and bleeding. I hope you are getting treatment for your nose, and that you aren't in too much pain. Well done to Vicar and others for the night-time support and help. Sending a virtual hug op, your children have a Mum they can trust to act to keep them safe, you are brilliant.

anniepanniepears Sat 12-Apr-14 15:48:29

has he came home yet hope ? your safe op

plinkyplonks Sat 12-Apr-14 15:53:06

OP you were absolutely right to call the police. There is no excuse for what he did - none at all. You didn't do anything to deserve or cause that.

For now you need to keep strong, physically and mentally process and come to terms with what's happened - and hopefully be able to move forward from it.

Stay safe x

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 16:24:19

Hi I'm here. Have skimmed most comments so will respond in more detail later. H has been Cautioned, I think this was partly because I said I would be happy with that as an outcome. It doesn't make much difference for his job as everything has to be disclosed. I didn't report him to get the book thrown at him but so he realises the problem and to get help for me so I think the outcome is ok.

He has booked a B and B and gone. He is very remorseful and says he will give me space and whatever I need.

I have been to A and E, nose not broken and had the cut glued.

Not sure what to do on a range of things but not thinking too far ahead right now. Not bothered about what Barbara said, you all answered it better than me and I take the point that what I did was provokation though it doesn't justify the response.

Friend staying as long as I need so will sort DCs and have bath and early night. You are all great, thank you so much.

Wenchelda Sat 12-Apr-14 16:30:44

So glad you've had your nose looked at. Also glad that your H has left without any further confrontation and that he seems to be willing to do whatever you need/want. Don't let that sway you though (as in, don't think he's sorry enough to let it pass without further action). I don't think you would though - I've been following this thread since early this morning and even through all the pain/shock/sadness, you've known the "right" thing to do, as hard as it's been. Take advantage of your friend saying she will stay and get as much rest as you can tonight. I hope your dcs are ok too x

Logg1e Sat 12-Apr-14 16:40:29

I am so impressed with you OP, I hope I act with even half of your strength.

Lweji Sat 12-Apr-14 16:45:34

Take your time.
You will be in shock, of course. But don't try to minimise it as time goes by.
He will probably try to get back, saying he will X and Y. If you are at any point willing to consider it, you really shouldn't take him back without major evidence that he is better. That he has stopped drinking and can handle things without violence. That should be in excess of 6 months, better if more than a year.
But this was his chance, from your OP. And he blew it. So, there must be consequences.
And it shows that he is not capable of long term change. He will crawl back to what he used to be as soon as he can.sad

AveryJessup Sat 12-Apr-14 17:10:35

'Barbara' is a fuckwit - just ignore that BS. You did not provoke in ANY WAY whatsoever. Angry, messed up people always want to apportion blame to others. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is 100% in the wrong.

Offred Sat 12-Apr-14 17:21:35

Glad you had it looked at.

No, what you did was not provocation, not at all.

Well done op. You need to keep your focus on what you are teaching your children long term. I think you have your priorities right on this point.

CarryOnDancing Sat 12-Apr-14 17:49:31

You children will so proud of you when they are old enough to appreciate the strength of your actions today. Well done for breaking the cycle and being the parent that every child deserves.

I wish my Mum was as strong as you!

The challenge for your strength now is to keep him out! You can do it! Hold your children close, look at their unmarked skin and breathe in their innocence and dependence on you. You are their hero...and all of ours on MN!!

crispyporkbelly Sat 12-Apr-14 18:10:37

Space? Tell him to start looking for somewhere else to live.

oldgrandmama Sat 12-Apr-14 18:35:16

I've been following this thread in absolute horror. You poor girl. You did exactly the right thing and you should be proud of yourself. Don't take any notice of that ignorant 'Barbara', you didn't 'provoke' a punch in the face.

I know you've got a whole lot of thinking to do now, about the future. Sounds like your friend is amazing. So, I might add, are all the MNs who 'held your hand' and looked after you during that long long night. Well done, ladies (and any blokes who posted too).

I am amazed, by the way, that your husband only got a Caution.

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop Sat 12-Apr-14 18:37:46

Op you've had some amazing advice and some brilliant hand holding on this thread and I am so glad you called the police and went to a&e.

I just wanted to tell you about my dh, las night he came to bed after me waking me up. I got up and went tote toilet, while I was gone he fell asleep covering most of the bed and using my pillows. I roughly ripped it out from under his head and very angrily told him to stay on his side of the bed.

His response was to say 'I'm sorry' as he fell asleep again. This morning he was very very apologetic when I told him what happened (he couldn't remember) and we both laughed about it.

That is normal behaviour, ignore Brenda, you did not provoke him in any way, this is not your fault. Well done on getting him out thanks

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop Sat 12-Apr-14 18:38:26

Not Brenda. Barbra!

wellthatsdoneit Sat 12-Apr-14 19:17:38

You poor girl OP. I'm glad your H is not coming back to the family home at the moment.

You say that you have to think about the consequences on the children if you split, but I also think you have to think about the consequences on the children if you stay together. It's a cycle, and like you say, it needs to be broken.

Wishing you strength - I hope you get some rest x

How are you doing? Thinking of you x

Nothing you did provoked a punch in the face. In any way, shape or form.

NearTheWindymill Sat 12-Apr-14 21:30:17

I'm an HR Manager. PM me for advice about the interview and to tell me what sort of company it is and your relationship with those will be making final decision.

If you don't get it this time round, perhaps it isn't the end of the world if it gives you time to focus on what you need to do re you and the dc over the next 6-12 months.

Oh love, I hope you are OK and that you have support. Where's your mum? I'm in SW London if you need a hug - posh cow - but caring.


NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 21:31:15

Hi checking in. Doing ok I think though the shock is starting to register. DC1 got upset at bedtime wanting daddy which was hard. She spoke to him in the phone and I talked after, he is incredibly sorry and asked for another chance. I said I needed time and sleep.

H thinks he will lose his job, the police have informed his employers so he needs to talk first thing Monday. I used to work there and am in a related field so there is a good chance lots of people will know.

Please can I ask for some further advice, I could do with some unclouded opinions. My friend who us here has offered to stay indefinitely and says H can stay in her flat during that time, for months if needed. This would mean he would be near enough to see DCs and do school runs etc when needed and is the least costly option I can think of. Bit is that too much for her to have offered and should I say thank you but no? She has been great today and lots of other times in the past and I don't want ti take the piss. I would really welcome your views on this.

Once again and repeatedly, thank you. I never appreciated before this what support strangers on the internet can be. thanks

thenightsky Sat 12-Apr-14 21:34:55

I yank at DH's pillows at least 4 times a night for the crime of snoring. He just mumbles sorry and rolls over. A punch right in the face is about a million times wrong shock

No way, no how is it your fault in any way shape or form OP.

JoshandJamie Sat 12-Apr-14 21:35:57

while it is very kind of your friend to offer, personally I think it would put a strain on the friendship and you will need this friend. Can your husband not find somewhere else to stay? I don't mean getting you as a 'family' in debt but does he not have someone he can turn to. Surely this is his problem to solve, not yours.

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 21:38:51

Sorry I think that was badly explained. Basically H wants another chance, I don't know how I could ever trust him again so I don't want him to be in the house. But if he is near, he can see the DCs and maybe we look at counselling and see if trust could be built up. Friend is staying at my house to support me and help with DCs and says H can stay in her flat for as long as it takes me to feel closer to a decision about the future. Neithrr of us have family anywhere close and I can't think of anyone else he can stay with. B and B will be costly and he may soon have no income. I meed to think whether the offer my friend has made is fair, both for her to stay with me for that long and for H to stay in her flat. I hope that's clearer and you can say what you think.