Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

In lust with another man

(44 Posts)
PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 10:26:23

Ok, name changed for this.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have 2 children to my partner of 5 years. We haven't had the best relationship but for the last couple of years things have been going great. I'll be honest, for the first 3 years my partner treated me like shit, but i stuck around because at the time i was absolutely besotted with him, and all i wanted was for him to love me.

Fast forward to now, my partner would do anything to make me happy. He worships the ground i walk on and we are very happy. I have everything i wanted. We are even talking about marriage.

So why am i totally obsessed with somebody else?? This other guy is ALL i think about. I cant stop fantasizing about him. I want him.

The thing is, i know he wants me too, he's told me he does.

Nothing has ever happened. We don't have each others phone numbers or anything like that. And i would NEVER cheat on my partner. But the temptation is there, getting stronger. But i know i wouldn't because i have too much to lose and i would never want to hurt my partner.

What is wrong with me? sad

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 10:27:46

Don't even know why I'm posting tbh, think i just needed to write it down and tell somebody

Bitrustyandbusty Fri 11-Apr-14 10:56:21

You want what you can't have? Thrill of the chase, maybe? It seems a bit like a pattern, sorry.

Stop engaging with this other man, give him no opportunity to tell you he wants you, or for you to tell him that. That's just blowing on the spark. Unless you want to leave your partner, now you've got him...

Good luck!

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 11:01:05

I don't even see this other man often, barely even know him to be honest, he's a friend of a friend. We only see each other in passing every now and again, but he once told me (when drunk) that he was jealous of my partner, and that if i was single he would want to be with me.

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 11:02:52

I'm so attracted to him sad

Fairenuff Fri 11-Apr-14 11:16:26

for the first 3 years my partner treated me like shit, but i stuck around because at the time i was absolutely besotted with him

It sounds like a pattern repeating itself. Maybe you should go to counselling to see if you can find out why?

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 11:22:26

I think ive always been a bit like this, getting besotted with people for a while. My partner is the only person who's managed to actually keep me interested

Allofaflumble Fri 11-Apr-14 13:04:54

"Would want to be with me" in reality 99.9% means have sex with you and then move along.

I had an overwhelming attraction once to a builder who came to our house, felt a real zing about him, but that was it - I knew it was an insane thing that happens occasionally.

Do not act on this.

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 13:45:13

I have no intention of acting on it. But cant stop thinking about him, I'm properly obsessed, and every time i see him i get butterflies, and normally if somebody else was in this situation id be asking if there was something missing in their relationship but there is nothing missing in mine.

MadeMan Fri 11-Apr-14 17:19:23

"...but he once told me (when drunk) that he was jealous of my partner, and that if i was single he would want to be with me."

I'll bet this has had a big impact on making you feel the way you do.

The guy was drunk. Guys say everything and anything when they're drunk and he probably wouldn't follow through with the idea anyway; at least not in any meaningful or worthwhile sense.

UtterFool Fri 11-Apr-14 17:26:00

Oh no. I thought I had it bad so can only sympathise with your situation.

I'm not sure I'm fit to give any advice at all, as you know, so just wish you all the best and hope you find some closure on this soon.

UtterFool Fri 11-Apr-14 17:28:03

Just to add though. I think your situation is worse as you know he's into you. For me, my crush has no idea and never will. I can see how much more difficult it is knowing that extra bit of information.

Monetbyhimself Fri 11-Apr-14 17:31:07

The grass is normally greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bullshit.

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 17:38:01

Yes i hope you find some closure on your situation too utterfool its hard isn't it? You feel like you are already cheating sad

But yes, he's made it clear (not just when drunk btw) that he's very attracted to me also, which, like utterfool says, makes it even more difficult. I know that if i say the word something would happen between us

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 17:39:16

I know Monet i even use that quote myself, which is why I'm puzzled as to wtf is wrong with me.

MadeMan Fri 11-Apr-14 17:50:50

"But yes, he's made it clear (not just when drunk btw) that he's very attracted to me also..."

If he's said it sober then it's a bit unfair of him really, almost as if he expects that you definitely will have an affair with him.

UtterFool Fri 11-Apr-14 18:43:32

I agree with mademan. I mean, what is someone, who has a partner, supposed to do with that sort of information? It sounds to me he's looking for an affair or to split up a relationship.

I'm assuming he knows your with someone though OP?

PocketFullOfDreams

I know what you mean. It does feel like you're cheating already as your mind is on someone else. Can you avoid this guy in work?

PocketFullOfDreams Fri 11-Apr-14 19:08:43

Yes we don't work together, he's a friend of a friend. He knows i have a partner, he's seen me with him. I don't think he knew at first, when he first made a comment, then he saw us together and it was after that he said he was jealous of him, that my partner is a lucky man etc

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 12-Apr-14 00:43:09

I once had a guy at work declare his undying love for me. It went from great mates to him telling me to leave dp for him and what he would do for me. Whilst it was tempting, as he was all romance and flowers and dp, well, wasn't, it just wasn't the love that I had for dp. I told dp all about it. I was hoping to get a reaction and an improvement in his behaviour. I thought him knowing that another man wanted me might buck his ideas up a bit. I don't know if it ever really worked bit it made me appreciate what I'd got.

MummyBeerest Sat 12-Apr-14 00:58:07

It's always nice to be told you're attractive by someone you also find attractive. It's even normal to fantasize (I think, anyway) But lust is just that. ..lust. Fleeting, however fun it may be.

A long-term relationship has ups and downs. It'd pprobably be the same with this guy as it is with your DP now. Not all moonlight and roses and all.

Though it does sound like there may be underlying issues with your DP? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

beaglesaresweet Sat 12-Apr-14 01:26:17

yep, you are attracted to unavailable men, very simple. You partner was that to start with (emotionally), and you were chasing - now you 'have' him.

EBearhug Sat 12-Apr-14 01:29:56

It's nice to be told you're attractive, especially when it's reciprocal. And fantasizing is normal and can quite cheer the day up.

Just don't ruin a good fantasy by trying to make it reality.

arsenaltilidie Sat 12-Apr-14 07:15:44

The old treat them mean to keep em keen.
Another woman who loves drama hmm

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 08:45:58

I don't love drama. Who am i treating mean?

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 09:21:10

Just to be clear, this other man has absolutely no idea that i fancy him. The only people who actually know are one of my closest friends and people on Mumsnet.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Apr-14 10:49:08

I don't think for one moment that there is only one 'right person' in the world for each of us. We are all attracted to different people throughout our lives. That's normal. We meet, we 'click', we become friends.

Sometimes there is sexual chemistry too and those are the people that we would most likely become partners with. However, those of us already in monogamous relationships would just acknowledge that there is an attraction, acknowledge that there is nothing to be done about it and calmly move on.

Those people who are unhappy in their monogamous relationship might decide to end that relationship so that they can pursue a new one with the new attraction. And some people cheat.

I'm pretty sure that all these feelings of yours are quite usual. We've all had men show interest in us, I'm sure, and we just say, no thanks, I'm married, or whatever. That's it. There is nothing more to it really.

Standinginline Sat 12-Apr-14 11:08:19

I've been in a similar situation. My partner is absolutely amazing will do anything for me ,treats me like a princess and puts up with my depression / mood swings. However a few years back before I had both my children I bumped into someone from school on a night out. Had never really spoken to him before ,and tbh was sometimes a bit of a knob to me at school so when he actually spoke to me that night I was a bit okaaayyyy... Of course I heard that he fancied me and would go out with my mates every weekend knowing I'd bump into him. We'd drink ,flirt and dance (never slept with each other ) and looking back I think partner knew I had a thing for him as I wasn't particularly discreet. I then fell pregnant with my son and stopped all contact with him for the sake of my relationship with my partner ; missed him like crazy though.

Anyway ,4 years later and looking back I don't know what I was thinking. The few times I'd bumped into him when not clubbing it was mediocre no spark and tbh found him quite boring (obviously one of those that turns interesting once they've had a few ). I think it was a mixture of someone who never looked twice at me at school suddenly liking me (suppose it was a power thing ) and partner and I had settled down ,honeymoon period over with etc... I don't know What was going through my mind ,if you saw my partner and this other bloke you'd wonder why I ever strayed. So glad I didn't end up with him.
Basically what I'm trying to say is the passion at that moment definitely clouds your judgement ,give it a few years and you'll see things so much more clearly. Can't give you any advice about how to resist as that's the hardest part ! I was honest with my partner in the end and he appreciated it ,and trusts I didn't do anything. However if I hadn't said anything he would probably think the worse.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Apr-14 11:26:09

(obviously one of those that turns interesting once they've had a few)

More likely when you'd had a few Standing. They call it 'beer goggles' grin

And when you feel like that sober, it's called 'rose tinted glasses'.

We should listen to those old wives, they knew a thing or two.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 12-Apr-14 11:28:51

Have a read of a few of the numerous threads on here written by people who have caught their partner cheating. Put yourself in the cheats position. I'm sure it will make for uncomfortable reading. Might help you see more clearly the possible fallout, the misery and heartache and sheer bloody logistical nightmares that ensue when people have affairs. It really,really isn't worth it.

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 12:26:34

I know, and i would never cheat because it would break my partners heart as much as it would break mine if roles where reversed.

Ive always had obsessions with people, then i met my partner and i was besotted and we settled down and in all these years ive never even looked at another man, then this guy comes along, in fact ive known him a few years and always knew he had a bit of a thing for me but i was never interested, totally not my type looks wise.

But then a few months ago, maybe it was around the time me and DP were going through a rough patch, i cant remember, but i suddenly started thinking about this guy. Then i became obsessed and thought about him all the time. Then it just stopped, as quickly as it started and i practically forgot about him.

Then it started again a couple of months ago, no probs in my relationship or anything, i just couldn't stop thinking about him.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know its normal to fancy other people, but its like I'm besotted with him.

Standinginline Sat 12-Apr-14 12:55:36

As yes fairenuff those beer goggles ,gotta love them haven't you ?? ;)

plinkyplonks Sat 12-Apr-14 13:00:42

PocketFullOfDreams - I think many people get like that.

It's good that you've recognised that you're doing this.

Maybe it would be worthwhile thinking about why you like him? What characteristics of him you like/ don't like and how that compares with your partner? Or what are you getting from this relationship that your missing from your life in general?

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 13:30:16

I think maybe the element of danger, this guy has a bit of a reputation as a 'bad un' and i think maybe that excites me? I dunno, there's just something about him.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 12-Apr-14 14:07:21

But that's not real? Is it? That's not how you'd want him to be with you, surely? Why would you want to be with a 'wrong 'un'?

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 15:04:12

I have no idea.

plinkyplonks Sat 12-Apr-14 15:31:46

So you're drawn to the bad boy - nothing wrong with that. But you need to recognise that if anything happened between you, the chances are;

1. You will may be in lust for a while
2. You may even be happy for a while
3. But this is likely to be very temporary
4. You don't really know the person - there are lots of negative things you don't know about him
5. Those negative things will start to grate after a while
6. You will allow yourself to get hurt
7. You will break up with him
8. You will look back and realise what an idiot you've been.

Not just that but -
- He knows you're in a relationship yet is doing this anyway
- If he's doing this with you, he's probably doing this with other women

I've been in a relationship my husband for the last ten years. In those years, I've met loads of people that I fancied, even some I lusted over. Those experiences made me realise;

1. I wasn't happy with some aspects of my relationship - I didn't think my husband was attractive, I didn't think he was attracted to me, I didn't think we had that spark anymore, I didn't think we could get it back
2. I spoke to my husband about it - told him I felt unattractive, I felt we lost that spark etc
3. Re affirmed in my mind all the positive things about my current relationship, what initially attracted me to him, things i loved and admired about him, things I am proud of him for ... and every time I had a negative thought about him, I consciously made an effort to think of his good points too
4. When I saw the person I fancied, I would try and listen to the words they say and how they acted not just towards me but other people. I avoided all unnecessary contact with them including -removing them from my newsfeed on FB, making sure I didn't see them unless absolutely necessary, no text or phone contact.
5. The time wasted on dreaming of other people could instead be used to work on my current relationship and my own self image.
6. I valued my relationship with my husband above anything else and would do anything to protect it.

One of my friends left his long girlfriend for his big crush. 3 months in and he is having massive regrets. It's your choice to make the mistake or not. You are in 100% control of your thoughts and feelings. Choose to shut this fantasy down and put that effort into your relationship instead. You'll be healthier and happier for it.

It's normal. Sometimes we meet someone, and bam, there's a pull. There was a bloke at work who used to do that to me. He was 3 years younger, about 5ft 2, not good looking, and an arrogant little sod, but he sent me weak at the knees in a way DH never has. I reckon it's a chemical lust thing. He obviously smelt good grin

It'll wear off. Seriously. Just don't throw away all the good things in your life over him. A case of look, don't touch, move on. In a years time you'll look back and realise he's actually just a bloke, and not a very special one at that.

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 16:31:51

Thank you plinky totally right of course, urgh he's just soooo sexy. Bur i have no doubt that he is probably like this with other women too.

plinkyplonks Sat 12-Apr-14 17:26:28

PocketFullOfDreams Now you need to decide whether you're going to shut this fantasy down. This situation is not going away until you deal with it. .

When you are in a committed relationship, you make a conscious decision to walk both feet into the relationship and shut the door behind you. Wondering what's behind it - or the 'grass is always greener' syndrome is normal.

It only matters whats behind it because YOU place value on it. It's you that's placing value on your encounters with that other guy. It's only you that can stop those encounters matter.

Right now the feelings you have towards him aren't healthy because if it carries on, temptation could become too much. What happens if he made a move on you?

Likewise - how would you feel about it if this guy you fancy is sleeping with someone else? Could you cope with seeing another women kiss him, touch him or have a relationship with it? Would you be jealous? If so, your feelings for him have gone too far.

Additionally, how would you feel if your partner felt this way about someone else? Would you feel comfortable with him lusting over someone else? Fantasising about them and not you? Making themselves happy thinking about her not you? Maybe then you will realise that this behaviour can't continue and needs to be stopped.

Focus on yourself and your relationship. Invest in your relationship. Forgive yourself for feeling like this and take affirmative action. Block him out of your life until you're happy with life and when you're ready to see him for the bad man that he is. You and the 'sexy bad man' would never be happy together forever. Let some other poor woman with esteem issues take on that shit relationship. It's more hassle than it's worth!

PocketFullOfDreams Sat 12-Apr-14 17:36:54

I have thought about that before, and id be devastated if my partner was lusting after somebody like this.

Also, i saw other man a few weeks ago with a woman, i didn't feel jealous, which surprised me.

MadeMan Sat 12-Apr-14 19:02:18

If you find yourself daydreaming or thinking about him, then straight away do something to take your mind off him; something mentally distracting like play a game on your phone or read a book/article in a magazine.

Don't let yourself get caught up in the fantasy of him.

PocketFullOfDreams Sun 13-Apr-14 11:21:35

Oh god, bumped into him this morning in the shop, said hello to each other then when i got back in my car i was shaking - what the fuck is that about???

Fairenuff Sun 13-Apr-14 11:26:30

I really think you need counselling OP. You have some fantasy image in your head of what this person is like and it's taking over your life!

It's probably a known condition, similar to what stalkers feel, or something. Speak to a professional, let them help you.

Monetbyhimself Sun 13-Apr-14 11:34:41

Where are your partner and kids right now ? Perhaps you could focus your attention on them?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now