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WWYD open condom wrapper

(124 Posts)
EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 12:33:24

Name changed for this.

Bought DP a new wallet for Xmas. His old
One has been on the fireplace since then. I was looking in it today for a receipt for a printer we bought which is now faulty. Inbetween hundreds of receipts I come across an open condom wrapper, no condom to be found. hmm
DP has been unfaithful before. When we were younger. I forgave him and recently, I believe(d) he had grown up and realised the value of his family.

I obviously want to confront him but DP is very good at excuses, turning around or considering this wallet hasn't been used for four months I'm
Wondering if he'll just opt for 'haven't used that wallet in ages, I sincerely have no idea, god knows, but I swear to you I haven't done anything."

I can see this playing out. I can see me being made to be overreacting. Our relationship isn't great at the moment, I am pregnant and very tired our sex life has somewhat suffered due to this, he has made passing comments on lack
Of affection etc recently and I am very touchy if I am honest.

I am concerned for what answer I will get, I want the truth but would I get that? And If he opts out of telling the truth then what do I do? End my family? Go it all alone with no facts !?

FFS why did the fucking printer break

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 12:48:32

Oh and me and DP haven't used condoms in Years which Is obviously relevant !

Lovingfreedom Fri 04-Apr-14 12:50:27

You know the answer...the printer is not your problem here. Sorry.

ummmmm
I'm so sorry OP
I can see your dilemma
You sound ground down
How many children do you have and what sort of age?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Fri 04-Apr-14 12:53:45

I honestly can't see any other reason for it being there other than he has used it, I'm so sorry.

I would say to him you know he has been cheating, and see how much he admits. But yes, this would be enough for me to throw him out whether he told the truth or not.

thanks

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 12:55:15

Well, given the history I am not surprised that you are suspicious. Anybody would be. But something about a wrapper in a wallet just doesn't make sense. Why would someone put an empty condom wrapper back in their wallet? That's not logical, is it? When would you do it, for a start? you wouldn't put the condom on, slip the wrapper in your wallet and have sex, would you? Afterwards when you are disposing of the condom, would you put it in the bin and the wrapper in your wallet? No, you wouldn't. You'd likely leave the wrapper where it was or put it in the bin along with the condom.

I'd be more likely to think that a) he'd been fartarsing around with a condom for some reason or b) someone put the wrapper in his wallet for whatever reason.

But it sounds like the relationship is in trouble with or without the issue of this wrapper and it needs some help. Can you talk to him at all about the relationship and what needs to change? Or suggest counselling? What would be your ideal outcome and is that likely or indeed possible?

Hecate I think the implication is that the condom was in the wallet and he took condom out and put wrapper back in

FolkGirl Fri 04-Apr-14 13:05:40

Hecate you might, if you didn't want the wrapper to be discovered, take it out of your wallet, open in and then slip the wrapper back in before using it.

Do you really think it's more realistic that a grown man had been playing with a condom and put the wrapper in his wallet, or that someone else had put an empty condom wrapper in his wallet than he had opened his wallet, taken it out, open it, removed contents and then returned empty wrapper?

Sorry, OP, but I would make one assumption from this.

It would also be enough for me to kick him out. As I have said before on here, I kicked my husband out for less than this but found there to be a whole lot more afterwards.

Hobby2014 Fri 04-Apr-14 13:08:28

I understand what Hecate is saying. Surely it would be with the rest of the contents, in a bin or whatever etc not separate.
Id now be thinking if he was unfaithful, where was he when he was being unfaithful? ie was he at home and trying to be discreet thinking you may notice it in the bin but would have better chance hiding it in his wallet. Maybe flushing the condom down the toilet after but couldn't do that with the wrapper?
If it happened elsewhere there would be no need for it to end up in his wallet, it would go in OWs bin, hotel bin etc.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:08:34

Thanks for replies.
We have one four year old and one on the way.

Hectate - once before he had a box of condoms in the car with several unopened. I got in his car with him and obviously commented. He picks up several people for work all single promiscuous men and when i mentioned it he laughed and said that one of them had been blowing them up in the car for some immature fun and he had said at the time that I would be suspicious If I had seen them. He said why would he leave them there as obviously we use the car so I believed that.

So what you say about perhaps fartarsing around could be true but yes still can't see why for any reason at all it would be slipped back into the wallet. I guess I can only ask, but if for some reason there is some bizarre yet plausible
Reason then I worry that then I am adding problems to the relationship by voicing that I am suspicious.

I don't feel our relationship is in that much of a state that we require counselling everything was pretty fab before I fell pregnant and we were getting on brilliantly. We love each other and are usually very affectionate and make time for oneanother it's just with being pregnant I can't make it past 7pm, I feel fat and emotional and sex is just not top of my list at the moment and the lack of being able to go out and enjoy ourselves together as we were before has put a bit of an atmosphere between our relationship.

YellowTulips Fri 04-Apr-14 13:08:44

If it were my DH I'd ask him about it. I can't think of a rational explanation that would explain this than infidelity tbh.

Why keep a condom in your wallet anyway if you are in a relationship - never mind the empty wrapper.

My DH has never done anything to make me think he would be unfaithful but even my alarm bells would be ringing at this - an yours has a history.

I'm sure someone might mention using a condom to wank in but personally I just don't buy it. Sorry.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 13:09:48

That's what doesn't make sense to me. Would someone do that? Get out a condom and put the wrapper back in their wallet? I'm just trying to picture it. You are there, in a situation where you are about to have sex, illicit sex at that. You grab a condom, tear it open and... slip the wrapper back in your wallet ? Wouldn't it be more likely to be tossed to one side than placed back into a wallet before putting the condom on? More likely to be chucked in a bin than put back in a wallet after having had sex? Particularly if the person was going home to a wife? Would someone cheat and put some evidence of that back in their wallet? That's what doesn't make sense. It's not logical behaviour either in the 'heat of the moment' or in terms of covering up being a lying cheating sack of shit.

That's not to say it's not possible. Just that I would not assume it to be the only possibility.

But, like I said, it sounds like the relationship is up shit creek with or without that. clearly the relationship needs to be really looked at because there's a great deal of unhappiness there.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:10:25

Sorry lots of Xposts yes I do wonder that if he has been unfaithful it must have been somewhere where he was not able to discard of the wrapper easily I.e home sad

Depends what kind of person you are I suppose. I would open it at the wallet and then put the wrapper back where it was...I think

TheKnightsThatSayNee Fri 04-Apr-14 13:13:52

I know how these threads always pan out. You'll do some snooping now and find him on dating sites or emailing girls from work.
Do you want to know op? You sound pretty keen to believe him.

Dirtybadger Fri 04-Apr-14 13:14:11

I would put it back in my purse if I got it out and didn't have a bin to put it in. Yes.

Also, he has no reason to even have condoms.
The fact he put the wrapper in his wallet suggests it came from his wallet. Not a box of condoms. So I'd suggest you call him out when he tries "I was just having a posh wank". He's been carrying them in his wallet.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 13:14:41

xpost - I agree with you. There is no reason to put an empty wrapper back into a wallet. It makes no sense at all to do that. At what point would you do that? With condom in hand? With condom on penis? With used condom about to go in bin?

None of us can know. And one thing I do know is that most people lie their arses off so if you confront him it is highly unlikely that he would admit it if he'd done it. But nor can you live like this. So you have to decide what you feel is right for you. There really isn't an easy, pain free option. Whatever choice you make is going to be really really hard for you. You have to think about yourself. What do you want? how can you best make that happen for you. You have the right to be happy.

as I took condom out of packet

Ivehearditallnow Fri 04-Apr-14 13:16:38

Don't blame the printer - sounds like it's done you a favour if he has been 'at it again'.

Also - the end of your relationship doesn't mean the end of your family, it really doesn't.

But first, get answers about the wrapper. Struggling to see how it could be anything other than what you imagine it could be to be honest. Don't think a 'posh wank' wrapper would end up in his wallet. Sorry OP, hope you're OK x

Cabrinha Fri 04-Apr-14 13:16:54

This is how the fuckers get away with it.
They stonewall, lie, deny, sometimes accuse...
And we find excuses for them.
His mate put it there for a joke.
He's an upstanding citizen and he saw one in the street and grabbed it to tidy up.
It's from 10 years ago.
He just doesn't know how it got there.
He uses them for wanking.

Here's a good reason for it to go into a wallet: if he fucked someone who is married, in her house. Condom down the loo, but you're not going to put the wrapper in her waste basket for her husband to find.

OP, I'm sorry, but you are very very unlikely to get the truth from him.

Even if he hadn't cheated (this time) - have you forgiven him for last time? No reason why you should. Do you even want to stay with him? Because if actually, you don't want him - then whatever his useless sack of shit lying explanation is, it doesn't really matter.

Finola1step Fri 04-Apr-14 13:18:29

The placing of the wrapper is odd. But I do have a possible explanation. It was placed back deliberately in the hope that you would indeed find it. Either by someone who is taking the piss and thinks this kind of thing is oh so funny (his juvenile mates). Or its the person who he was with when he used the condom and she wants you to find it.

Will be almost impossible to find out for sure. Time to do some digging. Keep the wrapper.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:19:03

Thanks again.

I've just been thinking. I have definitely looked In that wallet before, since it's been living on the fireplace - I've looked In it when helping him to find his office keycard. If never come across it before. Also, he has looked in it since it's been there for things he showed me the $2 bill he had kept from holiday still In his wallet, surely I would have noticed it, surely he would have and thought shit forgot about that and discarded of it then. Has it been put there more recently? God I sound loony. I can only ask can't I no one else can answer my questions

FolkGirl Fri 04-Apr-14 13:19:31

stealth that's how I would do it too. Especially if i shouldn't be doing it.

Open wallet, remove/partially remove packet, rip top off with wallet still in hand, remove condom, slip packet back in wallet, cast wallet aside.

Finola1step Fri 04-Apr-14 13:20:06

Oh and time to check the new wallet to see what's hiding in there.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 13:22:31

If you don't confront him about it, it's going to eat you up so yes, I do think you have to. Whether you choose to do it at once, or whether you choose to try to look for other things that might suggest he has been unfaithful to you again. But when you choose to confront him, I would suggest that it is face to face, where you can see his reaction. Can you normally tell when he is lying? Does he have a particular way of behaving?

Plan out what you are going to say. Have some sentences in reserve that you can use if you feel he is trying to side track or otherwise deflect.

BuzzardBird Fri 04-Apr-14 13:23:01

He was obviously somewhere where he knew he could flush the condom but that the wrapper may have been discovered in the bin (and wouldn't flush) ie; home.
I'm sorry OP, it doesn't sound great. I would give him one chance to tell the truth. I also don't believe that grown men were blowing up condoms (which are expensive) in his car for larks.
I think he is taking the piss out of you and you being tired is not an excuse...you are carrying his child fgs!

I am sorry this is happening to you thanks

Raxacoricofallapatorius Fri 04-Apr-14 13:24:10

Hecate if you cheated in the marital home, it's perfectly feasible that the man would spot the wrapper post sex, not want to put it in the family bin and therefore put it in a wallet, which is easy to then take out of the house in order to dispose of elsewhere.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 04-Apr-14 13:26:55

Regardless of how you define lack of affection, feeling a lack of something in the relationship isn't a green light for him to go away and start looking for it elsewhere.

Any jarring behaviour lately, phone stuck to hand 24/7?

Ask him about it, face to face.

magentastardust Fri 04-Apr-14 13:30:00

Hectate, If you were somewhere where you shouldn't be or didn't have access to a bin then yes maybe you would put it back in your wallet.
If he was in his own home or in the car he wouldn't leave it on the side would he. If he and the OP don't use condoms he is unlikely to put it in a pocket or similar as it could be found.
I don't think it is that strange for it to be there.

How old is he OP? Unless he is around 16 and in the inbetweeners I don't think I would believe the story of all the lads blowing them up /messing around in the car though-that seems a bit more unlikely. If they were one of the other lads they wouldn't have left the packet in your Dh's car.

StampyIsMyBoyfriend Fri 04-Apr-14 13:30:37

You were suspicious, you posted here...

But yes, it sounds like you want to believe him.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:32:20

The wallet hasn't been used for four months so today's lack of affection doesn't have anything to do with the condom, he may not be cheating now but he may have four months ago although obviously he could be now too who knows !

No he doesn't have his phone on him 24/7 and I use it quite regularly without a problem. He does however have a spare phone, an old one, he keeps it in the office. Do I seriously go snoop? For something more definitive. Yes I do want to believe him, I'm not going to deny that, but if I had facts I wouldn't think twice. It is just so scary when I have a young DS and one on the way I obviously so do not want it to be true however I do not want to bury my head in the sand, I just want truth.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 04-Apr-14 13:32:52

Sorry that this has happened to you. However, what male over the age of 12 actually blows up condoms for fun.
They're expensive for a start!
So I'm afraid I wouldn't believe that excuse for why there were some in your car either.
Also, there's no point thinking along the lines of 'surely he wouldn't have left them in the car if he had been up to no good - he would know I'd find them etcetc'
People make stupid mistakes that catch them out all the time, just like this one.
But we make excuses upon excuses for them.

And all the analysing what people do with the condom wrapper is pointless too. It's there because he put it there, before/during/after having sex it doesn't matter.

The most obvious explanation is usually the explanation.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 13:33:11

ok, fair enough, yes, I can visualise that sequence of events and yes, I can see how you might need a hiding place for it in that circumstance - but it would surely be spectacularly stupid to then just leave the wrapper in there? If I was shagging about, the first thing I would dump would be any physical evidence of it! It's really not something you'd forget about. Who would be so stupid that they would put a wrapper in their wallet and keep it there? You'd take it with you the very first time you left the house and throw it in the nearest bin or even on the floor in a quiet street, surely?

Or maybe he really is just that stupid. I don't know.

Nobody knows but him and unfortunately the OP has to plan the best way for her to confront him about it and try to find out what's going on.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 13:34:41

xpost, yes, I suppose it is. All speculation is ultimately pointless. I apologise.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 04-Apr-14 13:34:59

So basically your relationship is fine as long as you are sexually available to him whenever he wants you to be and able to pander to him?

But when you are tired, off sex and don't feel like going out so much - because you are carrying his child FFS - then he gets a cob on and there is a bad atmosphere.

The printer has done you a favour here. Once a cheater, always a cheater IME.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:53:47

I will ask him face to face, yes his tell tell
Signs of lying is just getting extremely defensive

magentastardust Fri 04-Apr-14 13:53:52

I don't think its always that they are stupid Hectate but possibly cocky or arrogant and don't think that they will get got or think if they do that they can fob off with a rubbish excuse.

Does your DH genuinely have a reason for a spare phone eg is it a work phone? Does he need a spare phone for work do you think? Many people tend to have a spare old phone handset in a drawer at home or maybe at work but another working phone with a spare sim/number in probably not as common?

magentastardust Fri 04-Apr-14 13:54:24

Get Caught not got!

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 13:57:46

Magenta no I do not believe there is a genuine reason. Would I be in the wrong to go and get the phone tonight. I set up the office so would be allowed access. I just feel
Very sneaky/uneasy about doing that.

Dirtybadger Fri 04-Apr-14 13:57:56

Yes if its not a work phone but it is charged then that's very odd.

HecatePropylaea Fri 04-Apr-14 14:01:59

Then you need to plan how you are going to get past that. I've got one of those. Talks round me, tries to redirect the conversations, makes speeches so long that by the end of it I've forgotten what the beginning was about, finds something about me that I am not doing right that he can turn the conversation round to so we somehow end up talking about that hmm it took me years to learn how to put a stop to that. (would have taken far shorter time to pack but let's not go there grin )

I'm no expert and not pretending to be, just thinking of things that have helped me when trying to have a difficult conversation with someone who doesn't want to have that conversation with me.
There are ways that you can not allow bullcrap to sidetrack you and it all starts with you being calm, focused and remembering what it is that you are there to do.

I'll just stop you there, that's not the issue, the issue is...

thank you, but my question was...

that's not what I asked, I asked...

what is it that you think I just asked you...

I mean, there's loads of stuff. I am not even sure if that's helpful or if you really don't want to be in a position where you are going to that much trouble and you just want to slap it down in front of him and say what the fuck is this about...

It has to be about what you want and what you feel is the best way that you can deal with it.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 14:06:26

Hectate it is good advice for me and is what I will do. I have already learnt that I have to stay calm and repeat and remind him in difficult conversations. I'm pretty good at staying calm, even thought inside I am shaking sweating and raging

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 14:20:52

I don't even buy the "juvenile mates blowing up condoms" story. How old are they, 12? Why did he even HAVE condoms? You don't just buy them for a laugh. Balloons are cheaper.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 14:25:02

Lois they weren't his they were this particular colleagues. They are not 12 but definitely act it and I cannot stand them. That was a very long time ago now, and a reason a fairly happily accepted TBH. It is this occasion where I cannot see any plausible reason for and am concerned about

struggling100 Fri 04-Apr-14 14:25:39

If he is cheating with someone else who is married and who also doesn't use condoms at home, then there would be every reason to slip the packet back into his wallet. I used to do this when I was a teenager and I didn't want to get caught out by my Mum!!

Sorry, OP, but it looks really bad to me.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 14:29:50

What were they doing in his car if they weren't his? The most likely story is that they were his.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 14:32:29

He picks them up and takes them home everyday Lois hence being in the car amongst other things, fag packets, coats, etc.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 14:34:13

There's something very personal about condoms. It would be a bit like a woman leaving her tampons in your car, i.e., not very likely.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 14:36:46

Lois. I know these guys, there is nothing personal to them about condoms - there is nothing personal to them about sex - this is not the incident Im concerned about. I only brought it up when another poster mentioned fartarsing around with condoms.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 14:38:31

Fair enough. But given that you've now found a wrapper that could not be theirs, perhaps it throws a different light on it. This is a man who carries condoms.

OneMoreChap Fri 04-Apr-14 14:43:04

Sounds like yes, you do have to talk to him.
If he's got another phone, you could always say, "I'm sure it's just pregnancy, but I'm now worried about that other phone..." a decent type will let you see it.

Sorry, but a lot of men have separate phones for their affairs/professional encounters I understand. Sneaky ones just a different SIM.

Posh wank? Possible, but not all that likely. Particularly if you'd have to go an buy condoms for it.

Practical joke? More likely in a jacket pocket rather than wallet I would have thought.

Good luck

Cabrinha Fri 04-Apr-14 14:51:33

I've got condoms in my car. It's a standing joke I never clear my car out. They're from dating last summer. My boyfriend has had a vasectomy. I spied them in the car last week and said "honey, I'm way too tight to just chuck these - but look, there's a packet of 3 in the car - thought I'd better mention it in case you spied them!" He laughed.
Because that's the thing... If you have condoms in your car, and a partner AND you have a history of cheating on her, wouldn't you tell her they were there?

Thing is OP, you stayed with him last time. What incentive has he got to NOT cheat on you?

Cabrinha Fri 04-Apr-14 14:56:09

And no disrespect to OneMoreChap, no way would I be blaming pregnancy for feeling suspicious.

I'd be quite forthright that suspicion is a direct consequence of him cheating before.

Linguini Fri 04-Apr-14 14:57:28

What would I do?
Keep the used wrapper, throw it in his face and then throw him out!

Even finding an UNopened condom in your DP's wallet (when u don't use them together) is grounds for seperation, let alone evidence that he has used a condom, and recently.

Sorry. What a S***head

OneMoreChap Fri 04-Apr-14 14:58:53

No disrespect taken - I think the OP's partner is hooky.

I just thought it might be an "easier" way of seeing the phone straight away.
I did anything I could to make XW's pregnancies easier.

[Not that it helped, mind.]

Cabrinha Fri 04-Apr-14 15:01:51

Yeah - I see your point. This wanker doesn't strike me as the type to make his wife's pregnancy easier though!
Making her feel guilty for being tired, and cheating on her. Arsehole.

kentishgirl Fri 04-Apr-14 15:02:00

This is so hard - not an easy interpretation either way. Everything just raises more questions.

OH has history of cheating.
You find an empty condom wrapper in wallet. Why is it there?

a) cheating again?
b) but it is weird to put a wrapper back in wallet - unless he cheated somewhere he couldn't leave it,
c)or someone was messing about with his wallet,
d)or he hid it there from embarrassment from having a 'posh wank' (thread on this on MN) when they use a condom, flushed the condom, hid the wrapper.

You've just got to ask him about it and see if you can judge by his reaction as well as what he says.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 15:59:18

I will ask him tonight when DS is In bed

pilates Fri 04-Apr-14 16:27:00

I would be trying to get in to the "other phone" while he does not have suspicions that you are on to him. If you ask him he will just spin you a yarn. You need to get more evidence. It's not looking good tbh.

crispyporkbelly Fri 04-Apr-14 16:42:21

Open condom wrapper hidden in wallet = he had sex with someone.

Sorry op. I'd kick him out.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 16:49:26

Sorry op...

It doesn't look good. The wrapper back in the wallet would prob mean it had been used somewhere he couldn't discard it.

You most likely won't get the truth but you need to trust your own instincts once you've talked with him.

sad rubbish situation.

Don't think long term. Have the talk. Think. React to each step as you go...don't panic about ending up on your own etc, just take a step at a time. First step is to talk to him.

Good luck flowers

Could you have a look in his wallet that he's now using to see whats in it? Then maybe have a look at the other phone?

WitchWay Fri 04-Apr-14 16:57:27

Did you notice any receipts that you couldn't place - meals out for example?

I don't think this is going to end well - sorry sad

morethanpotatoprints Fri 04-Apr-14 17:01:23

Hello OP

I too would be doubting the story of the mates messing around with condoms, even though I know this isn't a concern right now. certainly worth looking at again though.
Check any pockets for unexplained receipts, meals out etc.
I would do more snooping before confronting him and try nd get something he can't weedle out of if possible.
I'm sorry this is happening OP, it doesn't sound like it will end well.
What is wrong with men today? Why can't they keep it in their pants?

most men can I think

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 04-Apr-14 17:05:58

he is either (a) fucking someone else or (b) smuggling drugs, seriously have seen people do this to take weed/coke when they fly. wrap it in a jonny and out up anus

so sorry OP

formerbabe Fri 04-Apr-14 17:10:23

When I read this, the first scenario that came into my mind was that the condom wrapper might have been placed in wallet by another woman who wanted you to find it...that's what I would think if I was in the ops situation but who knows, it may all be an innocent mistake.

bluestar2 Fri 04-Apr-14 17:30:11

I'm sorry op, my first thought was he had sex somewhere he couldn't dispose of wrapper in bin, either your house or theirs sad.

I would def be checking the phone first. Do you have access to his email etc ?

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 17:33:34

I have access to email etc. I really don't think this is how he'd go about it, I found out this way before plus he never uses our laptops. He would be more clever this time if he was to do it, i.e second phone out of the house.

FreeLikeABird Fri 04-Apr-14 18:02:35

I'm sorry your going through this op, before confronting him I would try to get your hands on this other phone, which is left at work, then confront him about the condom wrapper.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 18:07:54

Remember OP you don't have to be proof to have a valid point. However much he tries to wriggle and turn it round on you etc. You do not have to scrabble around looking for evidence...

Caitlyn2014 Fri 04-Apr-14 18:14:14

I think you know the truth of this, and I feel for you. xxx

Mothergothel99 Fri 04-Apr-14 18:26:55

Have you checked the expiry date on the pack? Condoms don't have that long a shelf life. For instance the condoms from before your 4 year old would have expired now.

Honestly I would be looking at the phone, tonight. Find an excuse pop out and check it.

I would prepare for the worst. Sorry.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 18:34:50

There is no expiry date confused

I'm going to try and get to the office tonight, if i can

Sorry to read this Every

Whatever he says, the fact he had condom(s) around at all isn't right.

I'd love to hear what he has to say about it. How do you explain away something so dodgy??

And I hope you can get to the office thanks

A long shot, but maybe he was clearing out the car, came across a receipt and stuffed it into his wallet and the condom wrapper was picked up at the same time?

Just thinking that putting an empty condom packet in your wallet is very odd. Surely you'd put it in your pocket and dispose of it at the first opportunity if you were up to no good?

Hope it all goes ok tonight OP.

Wantsunshine Fri 04-Apr-14 19:49:52

Sorry, there is just no plausible explanation for the condom wrapper to be in his wallet except he cheated.
I don't think its odd to have the wrapper in there and not throw it away either. My DH I have noticed sometimes has one in his wallet and rips the top and takes out the condom and the wrapper doesn't really leave the wallet! Probably too lazy to locate the bin in hotels.
So rubbish you are going through this

Calicocatlady Fri 04-Apr-14 19:57:15

I recall my friend making a similar discovery. She confronted her husband and he told her he'd been having 'posh wanks' (?). Basically master-bating with a condom on. I hope your situation turns out to be innocent, OP

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 20:30:51

I don't get this posh wank lark. Every man ever, in the history of sex, says "I don't like condoms, you can't feel anything". So why would they want one on when having a wank?

It just catches the end product doesn't it?

Though I agree. Also think he probably ripped the packet and took the condom out without taking the whole packet out. Probably then forgot about it etc.

slugseatlettuce Fri 04-Apr-14 20:52:22

I think you should keep the wrapper, say nothing but make it obvious you've been in his wallet (move it, leave it open or sometjing) and see if he starts acting weird.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 20:53:17

To collect the jizz Lois, and also to replicate the sensation of tightness.

TheAwfulDaughter Fri 04-Apr-14 20:57:25

No man has ever fucking posh wanked

It's a myth created so there is a universal excuse when they get caught with condoms ffs

msdiamant Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:33

I can imagine this situation. A man takes his wallet, takes the condom out, puts it on. After sex he goes to the loo and flushes it down. I have heard some men do it. Then returns to dress up. Puts the wrapper back into the wallet to dispose off late and forgets about it.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 21:06:38

I haven't been able to get to the office DS has been a nightmare tonight. I wanted to leave it until I could have gone to the office first but it was just right there at the front of my thoughts so I told him. And I know him so well because I got the reaction I expected. "I honestly have no idea, why would I use a condom and put it back in my wallet, how many years have I had that wallet, it could have been in a receipt, I've never noticed it before, I have no memory."

He wasn't defensive to be fair.

I said you must have some recollection he said he wish he had a logical reason he could give me because he realises how ridiculous it sounds to say I don't know but I honestly don't.

I said how would you feel if you found one in my purse and my response was 'I don't know' he said yes he understands but he really cannot remember as he's had it so long and that he would be a lot more livid than I am if it was the other way round.

I said surely if it was from that many years ago then he would have noticed it since and thought oh shit maybe I should remove that incase I saw it and thought it was recent. He said yes he would have removed it if it was from years ago and he has saw it but that it must have been hidden in the receipts and he never came across it.
My eyes welled up with frustration he gave me a kiss and a cuddle and told me he loved me.

hmm

Sigh. I just don't know what I can do.

MissSmiley Fri 04-Apr-14 21:08:21

I was going to say posh wank. Hope I'm right.
Good luck OP.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 21:14:19

to replicate the sensation of tightness

That doesn't make sense. Condoms don't replicate a sensation of tightness. If they did, men would be FALLING OVER themselves to put one on for sex. We all know how they love the tightness. And hate the condoms.

I have never, in all my many many years, met a man who likes having a condom on. They all say it dulls the sensation. So to put one on for a wank would be pointless.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 21:15:29

He said he knows it sounds ridiculous. That's because he's right. How long have you been with him? How old would the wrapper have to be to be legitimate?!

MissSmiley Fri 04-Apr-14 21:16:31

Sorry cross post. Sounds like he just had a lucky escape. I'd forget about it for now. You don't have any other evidence?

LoisPuddingLane Fri 04-Apr-14 21:16:32

Every, he's bullshitting, I'm sorry to say. Caught red-handed and bullshitting.

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 21:24:23

Well, we've been together 7 years but he cheated about 3 years ago? So three years

QuiteSo Fri 04-Apr-14 21:29:19

Before I knew my husband was having an affair, I found a pair of knickers that weren't mine. Confronted him. Pointed out there was really only one explanation. He swore blind he had no idea where they could have come from. Like a fool, I accepted that and made up all kinds of reasons (he could have been at the gym and kit got mixed up etc etc).
Turns out I'd been right all along: the knickers were there because he'd been shagging another woman.
The most obvious explanation is usually the right one.

Cabrinha Fri 04-Apr-14 21:30:06

He's a little stonewalling shit, isn't he? My ex was the same. Not at all defensive. Soooooo understanding about things looking bad and he'd feel the same.
Little shit is so comfortable and confident he wasn't even worried.
A little hug and an "I love you" - job done.
He's lying of course, but you know that.
Keep your wits about you, you poor thing, as it seems you're going to accept his non-explanation.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 21:31:45

Who has acondom wrapper in their wallet for 3 years?? After an affair at that??? Seriously- that's bullshit.

I also had evidence in my hand. My ex lied to the point it was laughable.

He also said. "I know it ridiculous". When they say that, it's because it is ridiculous.

I'm sorry op. are u ok? What are you thinking?

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 21:32:27

Oh yes! I also had "I'd be the sane if it was the other way around" comment.

herethereandeverywhere Fri 04-Apr-14 21:39:32

Has anyone suggested looking at the expiry date on the wrapper yet? Only that if it really was ages ago it's unikely to be still in date/much in date?

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 21:42:33

I'm feeling lost and upset. I know other posters have said I don't need definitive proof but I feel I do to justify breaking up my family. I don't mean I need to know he had sex but any suggestive text messages in conjunction with the condom would be more than enough for me to leave. I am scared about being alone for the first time and having a baby on my own but I'd have to be strong I just feel very silly at the moment and in a bit of a limbo.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 21:42:44

Op looked and there wasn't a date..

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 21:42:55

There's no expiry date here

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 21:46:45

Feeling scared is understandable but don't think too far ahead.

Deal with today first. You've got to try not to stress out as it won't be good for you or baby.

Why don't you have an early night, run a bath and get to bed and sleep on it.

Tomorrow is another day- maybe try to get the phone.

I totally understand- I listened to the denials and lies for a long time, I knew they were lies but I kept waiting and waiting for either more proof (even though it was indesputible) or for it to somehow magic itself all away.

flowers

SnotandBothered Fri 04-Apr-14 21:46:58

Oh OP. I feel really sorry that you are in this situation.

Because the ONLY acceptable response would have been an immediate, instant, innocent and articulate explanation - however unlikely - that your gut told you was the truth.

Saying 'I can't remember' under these circumstances is akin to a guilty person being interviewed by the police about a crime that they clearly do remember and, in the absence of having any defence, resorting to "I don't remember'.

Possible. But highly highly unlikely.

Big hugs to you. Please ask him again.

SnotandBothered Fri 04-Apr-14 21:49:04

In fact. Ask to see the spare phone in the office phone now.

If he is feeling so understanding, he will COMPLETELY understand your request and won't splutter or hesitate.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 21:57:04

What snot said.

I'm sorry it's so inconclusive OP. I have to say his excuse is pretty much exactly the same as the one I gave when my mum found a Brooks clinic card in an old purse when I was 15. 'Dont know how it got there, no idea, if it was nefarious I would have a better excuse'.

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 04-Apr-14 21:58:17

If you left him now it wouldn't be because of the condom. It would be because you have realised that his previous cheating has broken down you trust and you don't want to live looking over your shoulder all the time.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 21:59:01

Lois With real sex they don't need any sensation of a dick being inside something because it actually is. And part of the sensation that a condom blunts is wetness.

Condom, sock, banana skin, pillow whatever...

Personally I reckon a sock use is much more common, I agree with AwfulDaughter that the posh wank line is primarily an excuse for getting caught with condoms.

whyamiwastingtimeonhere Fri 04-Apr-14 21:59:27

I haven't bothered to read all the comments (too many), so someone else might have mentioned this...

Does he drink with a load of loud and lairy mates who act a bit juvenile?

Slipping an empty condom wrapper into the wallet is a pretty standard pub jape. hiding an unwrapped condom under a car seat is another corker.

Absolutely fucking HILARIOUS when their missus finds out and goes mental!

Sure, the odd relationship might get trashed but so what? Having a drink and a good laugh with your mates is far more important than getting tied down by some bird. In fact, if he's getting too serious about a girl then maybe she needs shaking up a bit.

By the way - these aren't my opinions - I'm just paraphrasing the prevailing attitude of some young men.

My advice would be to hold your fire, keep your powder dry and keep watching. If he's playing away there will be something else - there always is.

A couple of other points -

- The unlocked phone is a good sign in my opinion. Every 'player' I know keeps their phone locked and their pin secret. Sure you can try an extra phone, but you really need it to be on you all the time to be useful, then that looks suspicious. It's much less hassle to just have one, keep it locked and disguise contacts as business/trade contacts.

- Putting the empty wrapper in the wallet? who T.F. does that? If you must clear up the crime scene (surely that's the woman's job?) then just stick it in your pocket and drop it on the street when you're 20 yards clear.

Empty wrapper in a wallet? Nah - that was intended to be found.

Again, don't shoot the messenger, I'm only saying how some lads think. It's not pretty.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 22:02:40

Bloody hell you know some thick men whyami

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 22:04:22

Yeah...not buying that whyami...that can't be that common?!

SnotandBothered Fri 04-Apr-14 22:09:34

*whyami" - I don't think the twats you speak of are representative of the majority of men in circles of married/long term partner/with kids, family men.

I have known and still know, quite a lot of 'players' who like a laugh - they would not want to jeopardise a friends marriage, for the sake of playing a prank that they don't even get to witness?

Nah. Sorry.

OP - ask to see the other phone.

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease Fri 04-Apr-14 22:11:14

I found a condom in my stbxh's overnight bag for work. Confronted him. He said he hadn't a clue how it got there (we didn't use them at all so it wasn't an odd one of ours) and I obviously didn't trust him if I was questioning him over it. I can't imagine any woman or man for that matter who wouldn't.
I'd just given birth and I was all over the place, but whether right or wrong, I let it drop. It alone wasn't enough to end my marriage over.
Sleep on it every, it looks bad, but you and baby don't need the stress of this tonight. Take care x

EverySoddingNameIsTaken Fri 04-Apr-14 22:16:45

Thanks all.
What whyami says is true amongst his friends, we are young. Half of his friends have children but would you believe not one of them sees/pays/bothers with them. They are very juvenile. Dp rarely goes out with them though but does work with them.

I am going to sleep on it, but yes it isn't enough for me yet I don't think sad for many reasons, mostly because I am just weak I suppose

mammadiggingdeep Fri 04-Apr-14 22:19:56

No, not weak. Don't put yourself down.

Get some sleep and spend some time tomorrow thinking about your next move.

whyamiwastingtimeonhere Fri 04-Apr-14 22:37:18

@mamma - that can't be that common?

Happened to me once - right under my nose! Classic Derren Brown misdirection type stuff.

Fortunately my missus saw them from across the room as she was on the way back from the ladies.

Course she played along as somebody asked me if I could sub them twenty quid for the next round and the inevitable happened when I opened my wallet.

But she couldn't keep it up for more than 10 seconds and cracked up laughing with everybody else before I'd really grasped what was going on, so they didn't manage to get me into the spluttering phase.

I'm not necessarily saying that's what's happened here, but it's a standard prank and you shouldn't underestimate the level of cruelty that men will inflict on each other in the name of humour.

whyamiwastingtimeonhere Fri 04-Apr-14 23:02:58

@snotandbothered

they would not want to jeopardise a friends marriage,

Your faith in human nature is touching. Point is - when they're out with the lads, 'relationships' are the last thing that anybody is thinking about. Darker point - I don't think the OP is married - maybe his friends don't approve of her?

for the sake of playing a prank that they don't even get to witness?

Obviously witnessing the payoff is best, but if it doesn't happen and the mark goes home with it unexploded, then there still might be a good story at work the next day.

All I'm saying, OP, is keep an open mind, trust no one (especially not his friends) and keep both of your two eyes on him....

Anyway - I only blundered in here by accident 'cos the title reminded me of the jape. Goodnight all.

SnotandBothered Fri 04-Apr-14 23:35:58

@ whyami

I hope you are right. I really do. OP seems to think that these are the kinds of friends her DP has, so maybe you are right.

I still don't see that it would be a very 'rewarding' prank though. Even assuming that kind of humour/mentality. Not much pay off really. And if it was the likeliest explanation, wouldn't the OP's partners have JUMPED on this as an excuse/explanation.

Surely, "That'll be fucking XXX. Wait till I see him tomorrow!" would have been far more convincing than "I have no explanation"

BreakingDad77 Sat 05-Apr-14 07:37:19

Maybe time for a full sweep of phones, emails (email folders) text, internet history?

To me affection doesn't necessarily mean sex, dw has been in pain post childbirth, I'll just knock one out, but the hugs etc are still there.

OP, you're the one who is dealing with this. You're the one who has to make the decisions. The advice on this thread is just that - advice. Don't feel you have to do what you're 'expected' to do, or that the support will dry up if you do the 'wrong thing'.

akaWisey Sat 05-Apr-14 08:06:19

Difficult one OP. My first thought wasn't that he stuffed the wrapper in his wallet because he couldn't dispose of it in your house. It was because he'd had sex in the car sad.

I don't know what to advise, I'm sorry. It's your life, your marriage and your decision as to what you do next.

Missesbumble Sat 05-Apr-14 11:00:04

I thought the same as Wisey about the car. Believe me there is no logic or reasoning to an affair or sordid liaison. He could have easily ripped open the packet, removed the condom leaving the packet in his wallet and forgetting to dispose of it later. There are so many reasons the empty condom wrapper could be in there.

Given your history though I would also be very suspicious it doesn't sound good. :-(

SocialNeedier Sat 05-Apr-14 11:13:01

OP did you have a thread about the condoms you found in his car? That sounds vaguely familiar. I remember reading it at the time and thinking it was a load of bolleaux.

LEtranger Sat 05-Apr-14 12:39:37

I ran this past DH for a male perspective, told him about the empty condom wrapper in the wallet, his response "doesn't look good". Then told him this guy had cheated before, his response "ah, well it's a no-brainer then". Just one man's opinion, but he thinks a cheating explanation is inevitable in the circumstances.

Missesbumble Sat 05-Apr-14 12:47:17

Same response as LEtranger' s home here too :-(

silverlight Sun 06-Apr-14 00:14:43

OP, it's perfectly possible that your do used a condom to wank into; I used to because it felt good. Ignore all posters claiming that men don't do this; they do. I suggest the most likely reason for the wrapper being in his wallet is simply that it got caught up in receipts collected from his car, it almost passes belief that he would have just forgotten about it after having been with another woman.

Dirtybadger Sun 06-Apr-14 01:55:58

The no comment interview was suspicious. It's noncommittal. Even more suspicious if he miraculously thinks of a reason now. Convenient. Did he look like he was really trying to figure it out (if it was a genuine weird one you'd be racking your brains)- or did he seem satisfied with his "nah nothing to do with me" stuff?

Tbh I might be fobbed off with that in the right circumstances but I'm not sure these are those. I felt very uncomfortable when I read the end bit about telling you he loved you and hugging. But obviously you know if that felt sincere or a "stfu silly"/"guilty" thing.

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