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Am I a terrible bitch to DH? Quite long and self involved!

(109 Posts)
Marzipanface Thu 03-Apr-14 15:46:09

Background is I have spent the last five days staying at DBs flat other side of country with my two children. DH stayed at home to do work although three of those days were weekend and annual leave for his birthday.

Baby ds fell ill whilst i was there. Hospital visit but turned out to just be virus. I ended up extending my stay as could not face five hour train journey with constantly crying 10 month old baby. I had v little sleep whilst I was there. Ds was coughing and screaming all night, everynight. I come home on day 5 as ds has improved. On the train my DD starts vomiting just into the journey sad then she faints. She has blood sugar problems so this has happened before. It was very stressful to say the
least, but I managed to stay calm and deal with her throwing up and collapsing, and with a toddling cranky 10 month old stuck between carriages as we had no seats for the first two hours.

I texted DH who offered to collect us. Sweet but impractical. I asked him if he could please please meet me off train on platform as had a wobbly 4yr old in pushchair, a free range baby, backpack and two other bags. He didn't, choosing instead to amble down platform whilst I got a stranger to help. I snapped at him. 'Thanks for helping me off the train'. His face fell and I basically got passive agressive distant treatment for a while as is the usual form, however, I did apologise later on and organised presents (actually his birthday that day) and a takeaway and put kids to bed, cleared up the vomit laden bags and buggy. Not quite in that order! He remained frosty with me for some time despite all of this.

I slept with both kids in our bed as Dd was up in night retching etc and I was worried about her blood sugar. Baby was also up four times in night. I breastfeed btw. Dh had a nights sleep downstairs on sofa. So night six of hardly any sleep for me... my ds seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Coughing and crying, my Dd now has diarrhoea. DH asks what is wrong with baby and I was pretty sarcastic. 'He has a virus, I had to take him to hospital remember?' DH gets stroppy. 'Do you realise how horrid and snappy you've been since you got back?' and then he starts up the sulky treatment again.

I can't deal with it. I am SHATTERED. I have two sick children, I also have a cold. I cannot deal with DH disappearing in a sulk because I was sarcasti to him. Surely a grown man can see I am at the end of my tether and need support?

So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child. My poor girl was scared and frightened. I stomped out of the house to go to the post office and cooled down a bit. When I got back I have been told that I 'devalue and discredit' my DHs arguments, that it is unreasonable for me to shout him down and call him names. He shouldnt
have to put up with me being stroppy and grumpy... and he has nothing to apologise for. He actually rarely apologises for anything.

second round right now - I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him. I've never spoken to him like that before.

Things have quietened down now.

Am I a horrible horrible person? I feel wretched.

PreciousPeach Thu 03-Apr-14 15:51:10

I think you need to give him a night looking after the dc and see how he feels after it! He needs to get over himself! You sound like a super woman btw!

quietlysuggests Thu 03-Apr-14 15:52:41

Oh GOD, he sounds thick. Do you have anyone to help you over the next couple of days?
You are the one that needs the sleep, he needs to be up with the puke, then maybe he will understand.
Maybe he is not a dick head when you are not stressed out, but he is being one now.
You poor thing.

InAGrump Thu 03-Apr-14 15:53:15

He does have a lot to apologise for

so do you

you are exhausted. You need to ask for things,not take it all on yourself only to break under tje strain.

don't get big ideas whenbyou are this physically exhausted. Go ask for your DP to take over whilst you sleep.

Marzipanface Thu 03-Apr-14 16:19:29

Yes I think i have broken under the strain. There is more to it. My DB has anxiety problems so it is hard work spending too long with him. It is stressful. I also have a health condition that affects my mobility and my back and knees are painful as well.

i know I sound 'poor me' but sometimes I feel my DH has no real understanding about the physical and mental strain I am under every day.
All I want is a bit of help, a cuddle and a cup of tea and sme understanding as to why I am not Mary Poppins all the time.

I am ashamed. I properly lost my rag.

Preciousbane Thu 03-Apr-14 16:24:24

I think under the circumstances described you are quite entitled to feel poor me. Okay it is not great to snap at someone but understandable and it is awful having a sulker. You need a decent nights sleep and he needs to help.

Nottalotta Thu 03-Apr-14 16:27:43

Don't be ashamed. It sounds like you've had a horrid time of it and he's taking no notice at all! the tool

He DOES have things to apologise for. I agree that you need to ask him for help. I don't think you should have to but he clearly isn't going to offer.

Dahlen Thu 03-Apr-14 16:35:31

I think you both need to be a bit kinder to each other.

I'd be devastated if my life partner spoke to me the way you have spoken to your DH and I've never spoken to anyone like that in my life, despite two failed relationships!

But we're all human and we can all lose it from time to time under the right provocation, and you've had a bloody awful week.

If it's a one-off because you're under so much pressure, I think your DH should not only forgive you for it, but should actually be apologising for his part in not understanding how difficult it is for you and for not being more supportive and offering more help. And then he should put his money where his mouth is and actually be more supportive and do his fair share.

When things have calmed down a bit, I'd recommend a good long chat about the division of labour, fairness, each achieving the same amount of child-free leisure and rest time, and how you can work together as a team to achieve that.

Hope you feel better soon. flowers

Mintyy Thu 03-Apr-14 16:41:41

I think you have a point. Both your children are sick and your dh should have been looking after one of them in the night. As you are feeding the baby then he should have taken over with your dd.

I feel so sorry for you, op, you have had a really really difficult week (to say the least) and now your dh can't man up and take over a bit and gets in a sulk if you snap at him.

I hope the children get better soon. As a family, our lowest points have always been when the children are ill.

skittycat Thu 03-Apr-14 16:58:43

I think you are both being unreasonable. He should be doing more to relieve the strain on you looking after your children whilst they are sick and you've been lacking sleep. But your attitude towards him over this, screaming and shouting sounds absolutely terrible.

Mummyto3tobe Thu 03-Apr-14 16:59:50

I think your actions just sound exactly that of a woman who has way too much stress on her plate and you have just exploded. And quite frankly i would have reacted a lot worse than you - unless you sugar coated what you exactly said to your DH in the 2 arguments?

Most of the time the (but not always) the men dont ever get pushed far enough to become stressed out with the children as the women tend to take the lead and as soon as it gets tough the kids get thrown back to the mum so they never really experience true stress that mums do because they always have that reassurance that there is someone else to pass up to if theyve had enough.

Its hard with young children, i think its the toughest test for a relationship, so dont be too hard on yourself - so you snapped, most people would have in your shoes done a lot worse.

Maybe you could arrange a babysitter for a few hours one evening this weekend so the 2 of you can have some couple time together?

Marzipanface Thu 03-Apr-14 17:26:43

I'm human and find it v hard to go six days with hardly any sleep. My dh informs me that he needs at least eight hours or he is grumpy... but that is ok.

I love him and we have a good marriage. He generally pulls his weight with regards to kids but doesn't do nights as I breastfeed.

It is the constant expectation that I can go without sleep, look after the kids and still be Smiley and sweet. As soon as I get even slightly terse, I get punished with distant/silent treatment. I am sick of it. It's why I threw a wobbly today. I told him to grow up and stop acting like a sulky child. The priority is our sick children and then his stressed out wife, NOT that I made a sarcastic remark. Sometimes I don't even know what I have said to get the cold shoulder.

I've behaved appallingly and broken down in front of everyone. I have no help apart from DH. I just want to curl up under the duvet and sleep for a week. I don't know how to make it right.

HowContraryMary Thu 03-Apr-14 17:33:10

Call me thick - and Im genuinely not looking to start a fight here - but for the love of god, how does anyone get any sleep ever if a baby is feeding constantly?

No one can help you if you BF. That's just an observation, not an accusation.

I think you are both wrong and argumentative. However sleep deprivation is a killer. That needs to be sorted out immediately. So he gets to deal with the children, bring you the baby when it needs a feed and you stay in bed for 2 days,

Mintyy Thu 03-Apr-14 17:35:27

Its ok to be really upset, you are having a shitty time.

I have a dh who can be a bit "but what about me? you're being rotten to meeeeeeeeee" when I'm stressed and I just tell him straight that I'd appreciate it if he didn't add to my stress levels by giving me something else to worry about.

You'll have to talk about this when everyone is feeling better so that you have a plan in place for next time. It is absolutely NOT on for your dh to always get his 8 hours when you do not. And it isn't a small thing, either, that is a major problem in a relationship where little children and babies need to be looked after during the night.

NearTheWindymill Thu 03-Apr-14 17:39:55

Oh OP. So you asked him to meet you and he was there but not at the train door and you were snappy and rude in public. Not nice. OTH he could have helped a bit more once you were home and in the night but if that's how you behaved in public I can see why he went silent.

Why were you away for 5/6 days anyway? Was it a break for you or a break for him. Presumably he has three clear days to rest and have his own space and needs to be a bit grateful for that.

I'm sorry you are feeling poorly and stressed. Can you just ask nicely for some help and apologise for being snappy and for losing it. Then, when this has blown over both of you need to sit down and have a proper talk.

I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

You're ill and have spent five days lookiing after sick children - that's horrible, especially when you add on the sleep deprivation and the travel. But, he did offer his help (to pick you up) and you turned him down. He probably felt a bit pushed out when he offered to help and you said no, and then the first thing you said to him was rude and terse.

That's no excuse for him keeping it up all day, though. He should have taken the kids off you and sent you to have a bath or a nap for some peace for a bit, birthday or not. You need to catch up on some sleep and get better. It's nearly the weekend - tell him you're ill and he has to look after the kids while you recover.

whois Thu 03-Apr-14 17:44:09

You said some horrible things, which you should appologise for.

However he has not taken his share of the burden, and it's incredibly childish going into a sulk and giving you the cold shoulder.

If I were you I would appologise for the hurtful things I said, and tell him that I am at breaking point and he needs to do all the night wakings for a few days. Bed down on the sofa, let DH have both children in bed with him and he brings you the baby to feed only. He does all the rest of it.

TruffleOil Thu 03-Apr-14 17:54:41

Oh, poor you OP. Your husband sounds a lot like mine - sulks when I snap, even under circumstances where you'd normally snap - like two small sick children for a week on your own?

It sounds as though you were grumpy, you snapped, and he escalated rather than being understanding of your situation. I would be a bloody mess if I stepped off a train after a journey like yours.


Comeatmefam Thu 03-Apr-14 18:33:27

Yikes you've had a terrible week and must be exhausted and at the end of your tether.

I can see it from your dh's point of view though - he offered to pick you up, you were probably short/snappy in reply right? It's his birthday and the first thing he gets is you laying into him. It, quite simply, and with the best will in the world put him in a terrible mood. It would me too - it's a natural response to being criticised and shouted at.

My dh was useless in the nights - he just could never wake up and I felt great resentment. One night when all three were sick, I was up every 20 mins. In the morning he said 'wow that went amazingly well, did any of them wake up?'. Still angry now - that was about 7 or 8 years ago!

Both apologise. He needs to help more and give you a break NOW.

InAGrump Thu 03-Apr-14 18:59:00

HowContraryMary - I Bf my baby, and it caused hellish nights. Without veering this thread off course - a DP can help. They can't give you 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but they can definitely make it more bearable for you.

TruffleOil Thu 03-Apr-14 18:59:05

Still angry now - that was about 7 or 8 years ago!

I get pissed off every single time i think about the nights with babies and toddlers & my husband.

Actually you've probably done yourself a favour by losing your temper. Sometimes I think we (mother's mostly) just put our heads down and get on with things because we have to.

We had prem twins and at one point I was, like you, completely shattered both physically and emotionally and totally lost my rag - I screamed, shouted and stomped about the house, and eventually shut myself in a bedroom for a couple of hours and let him get on with it. DH was stunned because I'd never done it before (nor have I since), and only then really did the penny drop as to how exhausted I was and we managed to sort ourselves out.

You have shown to your DH that you have reached breaking point and need more from him - you're neither a bad parent nor partner, just a worn out one.

Depends how much form he's got for making every situation All About Him. He offered to meet you and you asked him to meet you on the platform, which he didn't do. He doesn't seem to have done anything useful since you got back, despite the fact that you have two sick kids to deal with - he's just sulking. Do you really want to keep him around?

ParanoidLucy Thu 03-Apr-14 19:15:50

All sounds normal to me. You are at breaking point and he's bot pulling his weight. Consequence is you snapped. Tbh it doesnt sound much different to the type of argument I have with my dh on a fairly regular basis. I can't be the only

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Apr-14 19:17:44

With hindsight (and I'm not saying this is how it should be, but how perhaps you have to do it), you need to specifically ask your DH to do things.

So, I need to be helped off the train, your children are poorly.

You need to look after DD in the night whilst I feed the baby. You cannot sleep all night on the sofa.

You need to look after the children for a few hours whilst I get some sleep.
You need to look after them again whilst I get a bath.

Etc etc.

Yes, he should do it without you asking, but until you can have a calm conversation you need to spell it out.

And he needs to stop sulking and you need to stop feeling guilty. Until je properly shares the load (and children aren't always poorly all the time), he is not doing his job.

AnswersThroughHaiku Thu 03-Apr-14 20:07:32

On here, if a man
Had behaved like you,
He would be called abusive.

Marzipanface Thu 03-Apr-14 20:32:37

Yes thank you Haiku. I AM abusive and require anger management classes and counselling is the latest exchange

I think you have been a little harsh with him.

He was heading to help you on the platform? Ambling you said. How about looking to see which carriage? You snapped at him for not meeting you on the platform, his face fell you said.

Ok, so he sulked after that. But you were big enough to apologise, you are going to have to spell it out. Help me with x while I do y.

I think he thinks he's not wanted / needed.

SocialNeedier Thu 03-Apr-14 20:38:20

How the fuck can he not remember that his child has been hospitalised?!

"What's wrong with the baby?"

Fuck me OP. I'd have lost it with him too. Does he do anything helpful?

Eatriskier Thu 03-Apr-14 20:40:24

You snapped under hard circumstances, but you then apologised. He then forgot what was wrong with his kid?!!?! I'd have gone mental again then too, even if I had slept. So it seems I'm abusive too. At least there's a few of us wink

Mintyy Thu 03-Apr-14 20:42:42

When I got to my absolute most desperate point when dd was a toddler who didn't like going to bed in the evening and ds was 8 months old and waking up every 3 hours at night and dh was working 50 hour weeks and more or less sleeping when he felt like it ... I put a bottle of expressed milk in the fridge, booked myself into a boutique B&B for a night, waited until dh got home from work then said I was going out to the car for something, left a note for dh on the doormat, and left them all to it.

Thetallesttower Thu 03-Apr-14 20:44:02

I certainly have got to the end of my tether, shouted extremely loudly and then taken to my bed. Only once or twice, but sometimes it is all too much. I don't see any point in raking over it, you are exhausted, you lost it you are not perfect but then you are looking after two little people and your db and he's looking after...himself.

This is just the kind of blip that happens when people are tired/have expectations (he was hoping for a big beaming happy birthday smile).

I think you need to cut him some slack- he was in birthday mode and didn't understand why you were angry at him, and he for sure needs to see your shouting as a big red flag that you are exhausted and not coping and step up to the plate.

skinnyamericano Thu 03-Apr-14 20:55:48

Mintyy how did that go down? Did you get a frosty reception in the morning?!

pianodoodle Thu 03-Apr-14 20:56:45

Yes you snapped and said bad things but I'm going to say YANBU.

The reason being your OP reads as if the children are not your husband's...

Mintyy Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:55

No, to be fair, he was sorry that he hadn't been listening to me properly when I said I was getting over tired. He gave me a big hug and then went to work. They all survived fine.

skinnyamericano Thu 03-Apr-14 21:01:45

That's lovely minty - wish I'd had the guts!

OP don't feel bad - you are exhausted, he's not been thoughtful and it has caused a row. These things happen frequently in this house.

petalsandstars Thu 03-Apr-14 21:04:23

Nanny's post is probably the best way forward. Said as someone who has 2DC with colds (including bf baby) also me and DH. But obviously his is far worse and he is "ill" so arsey comments and grumpiness is fine for him but if I get to the end of my tether and snap back to the baiting it's all my fault!

YANBU I would have reacted the same way and it really annoys me that I have to spell everything out if I want it doing.

I sometimes think I need a DW not a DH as then life would actually be easier day to day.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 03-Apr-14 21:15:13

I'd have killed him in those circumstances so imo you're doing well just being snappy and sarcastic! I think most people would be arsey dealing with all that. really hope your DC are better soon and you are too. flowers

maddening Thu 03-Apr-14 21:16:36

yanbu - and the PA shite could be described as abusive and gaslighting haiku person .

op your husband has been thoughtless and useless - I would write it down in a letter to him as he is making it hard to discuss calmly when you're suffering with exhaustion.

InAGrump Thu 03-Apr-14 21:27:17

Wow Mintyy

Can't decide if your DH is absolutely lovely for having that reaction the next day, or totally BU for letting you get to that stage!! shock

Bet it felt so lovely to get some peace

atos35 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:39:20

Sounds very typical of many arguments I've had with my hubby in the past, tbh perhaps you have allowed him to take a back seat for a while? The fact you travelled so far with two small children on your own suggests you didn't want to ask your husband to go with you? Your brother is his family to, perhaps you should just start to make it clear you expect him to go with you to visit relatives as a family? And don't give him a choice regarding helping you with the kids at night, just tell him from now on you expect him to do his fair share- they are his kids too! I would just try firmly and calmly laying down a few ground rules - moods are the worst but you should just be cool in return and calmly tell him that you will not be apologising and you need more help! Good luck xx

missymayhemsmum Thu 03-Apr-14 21:42:03

Yes, YABU, because you are over the edge of worry and exhaustion, while your DH, by the sound of it, is being a bit blokey and dense and sulky and not really understanding where you are at.
So tell him straight 'yes, I'm snappy and irritable because I'm exhausted. I don't want to be this horrible to be around or this desperate. The support I need from you is.... eg take turns to care for kids so you get some sleep.
And call in some other help if you can get it.
Remember, where you want to be is knowing you are in a shitty situation together and getting through it together, not wasting what little energy you have on arguing.

SavoyCabbage Thu 03-Apr-14 21:47:18

How was he supposed to know where you were on the train? He was on the platform but not in the right place. I suppose you both had different expectations there.

He would have been all excited to see you all again, especially as it was his birthday, and you were just wanting him to sweep you all up from the train and take over. Not unreasonably!

Maybe you just need to be clearer. With one of my dds I have to be super clear with my instructions. It's just the way she is.

On your first night you should have handed them over to him at bedtime rather than having both of them sleep in your bed. I get that you are breast feeding but you aren't going to get to sleep with two children in your bed.

Sounds like you need a bit if a break so I would ensure I got one if it were you. Perhaps he could take them out for the day or something.

TheLadyRadishes Thu 03-Apr-14 22:40:29

Hang on hang on - he's told you he needs 8 hours sleep or else he's grumpy!? Spell it out to him - you are fucking grumpy because you have gone SIX DAYS with no sleep and a LOT of stress. If he is entitled to be grumpy when sleep deprived then so are you surely!?

Anger management and abuse calling is a bit OTT. Yes, you shouldn't go on the attack and call him names. You snapped about the train door because you were at the end of your rope but maybe he was just 20 seconds late. But anger in itself, here, is justified because he's expecting you to do a superhuman task while he sleeps, and cold-shouldering you for being pissed off. That is not ok.

I don't actually think a man faced with 6 days sole childcare day and night with ill kids and a DW who just went to sleep then sulked because he was sarcastic would be called abusive. It would be justified if he was pissed off too.

He needs to do a full night, getting up every time either child wakes (either giving EBM or bringing baby to you to bf and then resettling him) before he can blame you for grumping. Then he can also have them all day while you relax (like he did when you were away). He must do that and then see how it feels and whether he feels stressed.

Marzipanface Thu 03-Apr-14 23:00:41

Thank you all. He has looked after DD most of the day despite being on annual leave with a view to doing extra work. She has developed a case of diarrhoea now the poor thing sad

It is v hard to be objective. I do have a temper and lose it spectacularly every few months mainly down to lack of sleep and stress. I've never said I hated him though. I don't.

Melonade Thu 03-Apr-14 23:08:40

YANBU. He sounds a bit useless and thoughtless, and the sulking for hours is one of the things that wound you up. The thing is, you are doing stuff while he is sulking. I would imagine that would annoy anyone.

He needs to drop the wounded puppy act. I also have experience with a man who doesn't help me with carrying bags out of the car. Unless you wait 10 minutes while he faffs around. So I will struggle out with bags of shopping, heavy furniture, whatever, on my own while he sits in the car until its all done. I share your pain!!!

AnswersThroughHaiku Thu 03-Apr-14 23:36:50

"I told him out of
earshot of children that I
currently hate him"

"I've never said I
hated him though. I don't." So
which one is it then?

FeckinNC Thu 03-Apr-14 23:47:39

Haiku, try reading the thread properly rather than composing your poems. OP was saying she had never said she hated DP previously, and is concerned she said it this time.

TheLadyRadishes Thu 03-Apr-14 23:52:29

Haiku I must say
This haiku-form judginess
Is SO annoying.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 03-Apr-14 23:54:55

You sound amazing, he sounds like a prize arse who doesn't appreciate you, can't be bothered with his own sick children and is lazy to boot.

AnswersThroughHaiku Thu 03-Apr-14 23:58:52

I have read the thread.
Op's getting an easy
Ride ("aww, you're stressed").

She shouts, insults, scares
Their child... if this were the man,
She'd be told to leave.

cerealqueen Fri 04-Apr-14 00:07:00

He has had five child free days and nights and wonders why you are angry? he has no fucking idea. Furious on your behalf. Tell him to get a grip.

cerealqueen Fri 04-Apr-14 00:10:28

PS Sleep deprivation is a form of torture in some countries.

Get an alarm, him in the spare room/sofa have it go off every few hours for the next four nights and ask him sweetly how he feels at the end of it.

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 00:37:15

So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child.

How is that abusive?

I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him.

Or that?

How ridiculous!

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 00:41:17

You know what's abusive?

Allowing someone to become so sleep deprived that they can no longer cope because you think your right to eight hours a night trumps their right to any sleep at all is abusive.

Sulking and withdrawing emotionally because someone says something you don't much like is abusive.

Losing your rag through sleep deprivation and lack of support is a cry for help, not abuse.

Idocrazythings Fri 04-Apr-14 00:56:51

Roses are red
Violets are blue
OP's DH was a dick
And so is Haiku

Sorry, couldn't help it, Haiku, but I don't think your poems are coming across as witty and carefully considered as you think they might be. Seriously though. If DH came to the train station why couldn't he get there ten minutes early then text her and say which carriage are you in etc. and be as close to it as possible with a trolley and grab a child of her. Not leave her to fend for herself with help from a stranger. If do that. My mum would do that for me. Not sure if my DH would. Many men really need to step up and stop being man-child's.

TheVictorian Fri 04-Apr-14 01:13:08

Marzipanface after everything you have said to your Dh, how do you feel ?

MexicanSpringtime Fri 04-Apr-14 01:27:14

You probably have to learn to speak more clearly. I read someone who said that he should do things without you having to ask, but sometimes how we feel is not written all over us.
I would apologise and explain how desperately tired you are.

AnswersThroughHaiku Fri 04-Apr-14 01:42:52

They're not supposed to
Be witty or wise (that's just
A pleasant bonus).

complexnumber Fri 04-Apr-14 03:13:43

* I've never said I hated him though. I don't.*

But this was in your first post...

I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him

It is to your credit that you acknowledge that you have anger issues, it would be good if your DP could also appreciate this, but it is very hard if you are on the receiving end (trust me).

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Fri 04-Apr-14 03:41:37

Meh. Having been through this a lot lately I know exactly why you reacted like that. There is a middle ground between being a terrible bitch and a pushover doormat but with sleep deprivation on top of juggling vomit you won't find it. So cut yourself some slack OP, you do not have the luxury of 8 hours sleep nor will you for some time...unless he is taking kids out all day at weekend then you win top trumps martyrdom edition by default. In reality you win feck all so DH ought to make tea and grovel. Hard out here for a bitch as the delightful miss Allen confirms. I remember the haiku thread 5.7.5 isn't it so some of those replies are wrong and yes I am that pedantic in real life.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks Fri 04-Apr-14 03:47:20

You don't hate him you hate the disparity but whilst he IS the the reason for said inequality atm then he is the target of vitriol. It is harder to love someone when they are at their worst. He needs to understand that and suck it up or take over the night shift. Thought not. I hate him too ;-)

TheLadyRadishes Fri 04-Apr-14 08:37:00

Agree Haiku, if you're going to set yourself up as the haiku oracle, you need to work on your haikus. (Though actually don't, because it's annoying)

I don't think having a sleep-deprived angry outburst when you have a valid thing to be angry about is "anger issues". It's anger, and we all get angry sometimes. Anger issues is getting angry all the time about unimportant things.

OP knowns she crossed a line and is sorry. OTOH, her DH's behaviour has been lazy, childish and seriously infuriating. It needs sorting out, they need a serious conversation about helping her not be so sleep-deprived, they both need to apologise. But the situation she was put in would push most people to the limit.

Nanny0gg Fri 04-Apr-14 08:38:56

*They're not supposed to
Be witty or wise *

Whew! That's a relief!

(What's the point then?)

TruffleOil Fri 04-Apr-14 09:49:02

I actually have hated my husband many times throughout our marriage, and I almost always hated him when our children were ill.

I have struggled with my anger throughout our marriage, but I can also say that I did not bring anger issues into our marriage, they were frankly borne of my marriage.

Some fathers have a way of allowing the mother to immerse themselves into the care of a sick child, then claim that they feel useless, then offer help half-heartedly, then retreat into a passive-aggressive shell when they're rejected because the mother is just too tired and angry to cope.

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 09:49:09

complex sorry I missed out a word! I meant to say I have never said I hated him before this argument.

Sorry for confusion.

SallyMcgally Fri 04-Apr-14 10:05:46

Haiku - you're being ridiculous. Nobody in their right minds would tell a bloke who snapped at a woman because he'd had 6 nights without sleep, who already had health problems and was looking after 2 sick children while his partner slept sweetly on the sofa that he was being abusive FFS. And you're just being goady about the hating comment. OP - you've been pushed to the end of your tether. Glad your DH is stepping up now.

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 10:11:18

He looked after ill daughter most of the day. We have had further arguments. He is looking after the kids and I am about to try and grab some sleep as up with poorly baby in night. (night 7) plus have stinking cold. Both kids have D & v bug.

It does seem quite unfair. My anger is not valid. I have 'anger management' issues. I'm afraid accepting this will be taken as further evidence that DH is blameless all the time.

He DOES look after the children, he is a lovely bloke and has been my rock in the past. v supportive and amazing, however he does have this habit of withdrawing when he feels attacked. An 'attack' can be a tone of voice, grumpiness, or sarcasm. He was seriously emotionally and verbally abused by a narcissistic father so is a very timid man in general who can't cope with any kind of confrontation. He was also taught to never express his feelings. I come from a similar background but shouting and anger were everyday occurences.

neither of us want our children to go through what we went through sad

bigdog888 Fri 04-Apr-14 10:27:05

YABU I'm with your OH I'm afraid. You were abusive and I'm surprised you're not now a single parent. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and drop you like a hot coal!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 04-Apr-14 10:36:11

Glad he is supporting you today.

Her life would probably be easier then bigdog888 as she would have one less "child" to deal with. hmm

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 11:12:25

If losing your temper in response to sleep deprivation and unreasonable behaviour there must be very few couples in this world who are not in abusive relationships confused

OP, I can completely understand why you need your OH to see it from your perspective and stop using emotional withdrawal to bully you into disregarding your own feelings and needs.

Do you have someone who knows him too that you can talk this through with in RL?

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 11:13:37

Really bigdog? you think he should leave me? Tear his family apart?

Walk away from his children and leave his wife because she shouted at him...

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 11:13:59

Sorry. Missed a bit of that sentence.

If losing your temper in response to sleep deprivation and unreasonable behaviour is abuse, there must be very few couples in this world who are not in abusive relationships.

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 11:18:42

Goldmandra your posts made me cry. They sum up exactly how I feel and the situation frm my POV.

oscarwilde Fri 04-Apr-14 12:00:27

What Goldmandra said. Under the circs you were only human to blow your top I think.

In the interests of preserving family life and not having a hateful weekend it might be good to sit down with DH and to simply say I am sorry to have gone off at you like a raving loony but I was out of my mind with sleep deprivation and you taking mortal offence at me being short with you didn't help matters.

I think it might be helpful to acknowledge to him that you both have very different behaviour patterns where rage and conflict are concerned and that neither are healthy. Then see what you can agree together to address it.

I have a habit of letting things build until I go off the deep end too. DH hates a row and will either do exactly what your DH does or laugh at me. Neither gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling towards him. angry
We've agreed that I'll try to flag my irritation levels to him earlier and he'll try to accept that it's normal to p*ss someone off every so often, and to make amends and get over it, not turn it into the 100yr silent war.

Hope the children recover over the weekend and you can both get some downtime.

bigdog888 Fri 04-Apr-14 12:07:25

Reallybigdog? you think he should leave me? Tear his family apart

Absolutely. I wouldn't take that shit.

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 12:16:44

Goldmandra your posts made me cry.

Sorry ((((HUGS))))

I hope you'll be able to find a way to explain it to him at some point soon. He needs to understand how his behaviour is affecting you and how it will affect his children and learn better ways to express himself.

Do you think it might help to write it all down so you can clarify your thoughts and say it all in carefully selected words rather than speaking off the top of your head in the heat of the moment?

I think bigdog888 is best ignored.

Mummyto3tobe Fri 04-Apr-14 12:45:35

bigdog888 i dont think the OP needs someone like you telling her a load of bullshit - clearly you have never been stressed in your life and shouted at someone. How ridiculous - if you are married then your marriage will never survive if you're going to divorce ur partner as soon as the going gets tough.

OP ignore stupid comments like this - so you shouted at him, big deal. Youre stressed to the max and sleep deprivation does crazy things to your state of mine. Ive been there and i was a crazy person, and i came through it. You marry for better or for worse, its not like you physically attacked him i dont understand what the big deal is.

He will just carry on exactly how he is now if he doesnt see you snap to realise just how stressed you are. Dont make a big thing out of it,once the kids get better you will feel better and things will start getting back to normal.

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 13:22:05

No I didn't physically attack him. There was and never has been, and never will be any violence. It was verbal. Me crying telling him he had let me down. I shouted and said he was a fucking child. Largely me asking for help and telling him how distressed and tired I was, then when he started the whole I need anger management I lost it and told him I hated him at that moment.

I think I will ask for this thread to be moved to relationships.

Mummyto3tobe Fri 04-Apr-14 13:59:17

just be wary posting on here and expect certain people to have negative views as some people are unable to see anything from anyone elses point of view but their own.

Honestly this sort of thing is expected with small children, dont beat urself up about it. He was being un helpful - most men are when it comes down to the children as the mums are just expected to be the one holding the family together so i doubt you will change him. however just explain to him why you are so stressy and angry with him - if he loves and supports you he will understand and try to help more or at least offer to run you a bath every now and then. you could probably benefit by some couple time too, a cheap meal for 2 for a few hours or a trip to the cinema to rekindle old times. it really does make a difference and will remind you of how the 2 of you were before all the stress.

bigdog888 Fri 04-Apr-14 15:11:53

Oh no don't get me wrong I have been through plenty of stressful times and snapped at people etc. However, for me "I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him" would be a step too far. I would never say something like that to someone I supposedly love and if anyone said that to me they'd be kicked out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.

TruffleOil Fri 04-Apr-14 15:22:44

That seems pretty delicate bigdog. Marriage is up and down.

Mummyto3tobe Fri 04-Apr-14 15:51:32

i think if someone did actually say that to you - someone who you married and said you would spend the rest of your life with - you would think twice about actually ending the rship just because of this. It's not a hugely bad thing to say considering the circumstances.

people say things they regret or dont mean when theyr angry and under huge amounts of stress - its called the ups and downs of marriage.

MrsJackAubrey Fri 04-Apr-14 16:09:05

OP, don't beat yourself up about having lost your cool with him. His 'sulking' is passive aggression and put you neatly 'in the wrong'. No wonder you then voiced your needs in an explosion. It seems to me his silent treatment wasn't designed to let you both cool off and build bridges, but was clearly designed to make sure you knew just how 'bad' you had been, without his having to face a real conversation with you.

He's been the knob here, not you. You sound like a mega-mum to me. I'd have been on the phone demanding DH collected me from DB's house in person, never in a million years would I have faced the train journey you describe.

And what's more - it is perfectly possible to share night duties when BFing. I had twins and (stealthboast alert) my DH didn't miss a single feed... he got DS up; I fed DS while he got DD and did her nappy and gave him a cuddle. I fed DD while he did DS's nappy and gave him a cuddle. TBH I never even got out of bed... he did the fetching and putting back in cots. Misting up here thinking about those happy times! (they're 16 now and he's not doing so good on parenting teens!)

MrsJackAubrey Fri 04-Apr-14 16:13:00

Bigdog, fair enough if that works for you. However I think it's parr for the course when people are driven to the end of their tether. The point is when we feel our needs are utterly overlooked and swamped, humans don't behave at their best. If you love someone then equally it would be reasonable to expect them to care for your well being both physical and psychological - and for them to forgive you for saying stupid things. Do you really only offer 'love' that means "I love you (as long as you're nice to me)'? Of course not. Love means you love the person - not their behaviour.

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 16:25:22

I would never say something like that to someone I supposedly love and if anyone said that to me they'd be kicked out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.

I'm sure you'd enjoy the drama and martyrdom immensely but perhaps not the future so much grin

ProfessorSkullyMental Fri 04-Apr-14 16:26:51

my dh accused me of trying to kill him once.. apparently during a row i was winding him up in an attempt to give him a heart attack so i could claim his life insurance... i'd just told him i hated him.

that was a row started in similar circumstances to the OPs.

One of us needed (and got) anger management.. it wasnt me.

Goldmandra Fri 04-Apr-14 17:00:10

One of us needed (and got) anger management.. it wasnt me.


ShatnersBassoon Fri 04-Apr-14 17:15:45

I think you should have taken DH up on the offer of being picked up from your brother's. How impractical could it have been, compared to the option you took? He really tried to help you out then to be fair to him.

Sulking is ridiculous though, and I would snap at that too.

halfwildlingwoman Fri 04-Apr-14 17:34:26

OP, I don't think you were abusive and I recommend writing a note.
"I don't hate you, I love you. I am just at breaking point due to stress and sleep deprivation. Please don't sulk and talk to me properly."

Haiku, you are the most annoying poster I have ever encountered, on this forum or any other.

AnswersThroughHaiku Fri 04-Apr-14 17:44:54

Without knowing what
Forums or posters you know,
That might not mean much.

Echocave Fri 04-Apr-14 17:55:09

I think your husband sounds like he needed a kick up the arse really. Coming to meet you but being a muppet about practical stuff is annoying for you when you sound like you're at the end of your tether. It's tough because you're breast feeding but it does sound like DH could do with being up all night with the kids whilst you get some sleep.
I think there's some sanctimony on this thread and you should give yourself a break.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 04-Apr-14 19:31:00


this bit "Please don't sulk" is going to put him straight back on the defensive.

InAGrump Fri 04-Apr-14 19:33:22

Haiku, you've not hit a clue what a haiku is

bigdog, wow, you must be lonely

op, hope you're ok after a rest

Marzipanface Fri 04-Apr-14 19:58:35

The whole lift thing... I would have had to get off the train with a fainting puking child, all my bags and grizzly 10 month old, get in a taxi at huge cost to travel the half an hour back to Dbs... again with a vomiting child. Then wait six hours for DH to arrive at about 9pm. Most likely spend anothrr night at DBs then do a v long journey home with child with d & v and a ten month old who really travels badly.

Under those circumstances I thought it would be best to stay put.l as we'd be home in about 4 and half hours.

Barbaralovesroger Fri 04-Apr-14 20:49:18

You do need a break and some sleep!!! Can he look after he eldest while you sleep with youngest this week?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 04-Apr-14 22:04:19

Yy OP - I don't think people realised you were already on the train when the lift was offered.

Hogwash Sat 05-Apr-14 11:20:28

You haven't slept for six days, cut yourself some slack. flowers. He needs to get off his backside and help out - why is he not helping with nights?

Hogwash Sat 05-Apr-14 11:27:28

Sorry, I am reading this thread backwards of some reason - I can see he is helping out now.

Does he understand that this comment you made will impact on how you both behave under stress? He was seriously emotionally and verbally abused by a narcissistic father so is a very timid man in general who can't cope with any kind of confrontation. He was also taught to never express his feelings. I come from a similar background but shouting and anger were everyday occurrences.

Marzipanface Sat 05-Apr-14 13:14:20

I've booked some counselling. I have been quite tearful and anxious since. I think I have repressed anger and anxiety so I can't handle stress properly.

You know I think actually that what you really need is a good rest - sleep deprivation is not a form of torture for nothing. The world looks a terrible place when you are exhausted, please don't think that what you're feeling is abnormal in anyway. I appreciate that will young and ill children rest isn't going to come easy, but a couple of good nights sleep really will help you see things in a different light.

rainbowsmiles Sat 05-Apr-14 18:56:52

Marzipanface you need to sleep. You have no ability to think rationally due to sleep deprivation and stress. Sleep will fix this. Stop thinking about it and snooze. I wish we had sleep visitors instead of health visitors. Say have a 6 night/day allowance you can call in any time in first 2 years.

You are human not superhuman. Sure, its not good to lose it but it's so understandable and understanding should be provided.

For what it's worth my husband would have got worse.

You probably do need to get better at limiting the load you take on but that can wait....sleep!!

Joysmum Sat 05-Apr-14 21:21:39

If my husband treated me the way you treated him he'd have got a lot worse than your husband have you. You need to explain what you need. Both me and my husband have best intentions and want the best for each other but often misread or don't understand how best to achieve that. In the a sense of mundreading skills, kindness and communication are the key. If anyone shouted at me they'd get far more than passive aggressive.

Goldmandra Sat 05-Apr-14 21:25:49

If anyone shouted at me they'd get far more than passive aggressive.

Apart from threats or violence, I don't think there is much that's worse than the PA emotional crap the OP's DH uses to control her.

Finickynotfussy Sat 05-Apr-14 21:46:11

My DSis had a non-sleeping DC and years of serious sleep deprivation made her incredibly short-tempered, to the point where we (as in the extended family) became almost scared to speak to her at times, even to offer help (which was often angrily rejected as she felt I think that accepting it would mean we thought she couldn't cope or something). However, it wasn't 'her', so to speak, and now her DC are older she's pretty much back to her normal self. Get some sleep and hopefully in a few years time you and DH will be able to look back on this time with a wry shrug.

Finickynotfussy Sat 05-Apr-14 21:50:06

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the father of your DC to be able to work out what's helpful to do without being given detailed instructions.

Hogwash Sat 05-Apr-14 23:59:26

Well done OP, counselling and sleep sounds like what you need. It sounds like there are bigger issues than this one incident.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 06-Apr-14 00:56:33

Your little girl is four and after ten months of you bf DC2 your DH surely knows the drill by now. Granted OP turned down the offer of fetching them because it was impractical but thereafter he couldn't have been less involved if he'd met OP at the station for the first time on a blind date.

I hope you can apologise for shouting but birthday or not it was a gruelling day and you needed some help.

Maybe you can agree a truce. Acknowledge each other's input and recognise that in the heat of the moment under pressure you snapped.

Sometimes as a parent worn out with sick infants during a particularly stressful week it's a bit galling when your OH can't take the initiative without minute instructions.

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