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Baby waking makes husband angry with me

(134 Posts)
Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:08:53

My husband works really hard in a demanding job, be is not the best sleeper. Our second baby has been a bit more challenging than the first as she has reflux, hence she has not been as good a sleeper as our elder daughter. Having said this relatively speaking I don't think she is too bad. She has gone from 7pm, fed at 10.30pm, then through to 6 am since about 4 months, but when she is having a bad spell (teething etc) she willwake at 4 am ( but generally go back down for. Dummy or bottle) n then it can tak a while to break the habit. If we have had a disturbed night my husband shouts or swears at me, and then I face an inquisition as to what went wrong. If I give him reasons he makes me feel stupid and it comes across as excuses. This morning dh had asked to get woken at 6 am, the baby woke at approx 5.45. Therefore he was in a mood with me, he said" what went on last night, what today's excuse? He said he asks other women and they say the baby should b going through the night now. I chose to say nothing.

GingerMaman Tue 25-Mar-14 19:10:39

Gosh he sounds horrid!

My baby wakes up every hour or every 2 hours at 10 months. Understandably DH sleeps in the spare room.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:13:09

I will gladly sleep in spare room or the sofa but he still hears it

RRRJ83 Tue 25-Mar-14 19:13:35

What's he talking about? He's asked other people and they say baby should be sleeping through!? What nonsense. No wonder you're frustrated.

Tell him to spend one night on a weekend looking after baby and see if he can do better.

msrisotto Tue 25-Mar-14 19:14:38

Wow what an arsehole! Was he like this before?

Obviously I hope you know that neither you nor your baby are to blame for any of this.

Oakmaiden Tue 25-Mar-14 19:15:56

How old is your baby now?

But your husband sounds really unreasonable and aggressive. Not nice sad

susiedaisy Tue 25-Mar-14 19:16:01

He's being completely unreasonable. He's sounds like a spoilt manchild tbh. Remind him it won't last forever and you are doing your best.

FabBakerGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 19:16:28

You are married to a bullying twat. These women who say your baby should be sleeping through clearly need to come round and tell the baby hmm.

It actually sounds like your baby is doing just fine.

trambampoline Tue 25-Mar-14 19:17:21

why isnt he helping, never mind moaning bout a baby waking up in the night.

newsflash, IT'S WHAT BABIES DO!

He sounds horrible, my youngest (2) still wakes occasionally in the night and is an early riser.

Does he ever do the nights when he isn't working?

jayho Tue 25-Mar-14 19:18:29

Do you have a spare room,can you sleep with the baby? He should be more understanding but, as I'm sure you know, the first few months are mainly firefighting so choose your battles, do what works best for you. Get your sleep and baby's sleep, he comes third((hugs))

Orangeanddemons Tue 25-Mar-14 19:18:49

He sounds awful. Horrible horrible man.

Dd woke every night until she was 5. All children wake at night. It's what they do. Especially little ones. It's natures way of keeping you close to them

Tell him to get up with dd

I can think of no adequate response but LTB.

That's not helpful. Tbh very h, I also feel guilty if baby wakes dd or dh. No sound reason for that guilt. Who knows why a baby wakes!?!? But I still feel I should have been able to keep her quiet and or back to sleep immediately. And I have a reasonable (mostly) /supportive dh.

I'm sorry you are being treated roughly. It's really unfair.

jayho Tue 25-Mar-14 19:19:39

send him to spare room and co-sleep until she's settled

imme Tue 25-Mar-14 19:19:57

He sounds awful! To me your baby seems like a fairly good sleeper! Sleep deprivation gets out the worst in us but he is definitely. going too far in his accusations!

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:20:19

Baby is 8 months old

cathpip Tue 25-Mar-14 19:20:23

Tell your husband to fuck right off, and as for excuses tell him there isn't one, she is a baby and sometimes they wake in the night, and all the females that he has asked can also fuck off too!!!!

TurnipCake Tue 25-Mar-14 19:21:29

He sounds hideous, OP. Is this the first time you've posted about him?

curiousuze Tue 25-Mar-14 19:22:18

How bloody dare he speak to you like that? What an arsehole he sounds.

Sounds like your baby is a really good sleeper to be honest. You just keep doing what you're doing - if he's got a problem he can go fuck himself.

Mandown Tue 25-Mar-14 19:22:54

What a stupid, horrid man! Your baby sounds great actually. Mine wakes every three hours at four months. It's what babies do x

eurochick Tue 25-Mar-14 19:23:56

The problem is not the baby. It is that he is a twat. Was he always like this or is it a new thing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Mar-14 19:23:58

I'm sorry you're married to such a terrible bully.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:24:22

Great to have your thoughts, I didn't think she was that bad a sleeper either.

ChristineDaae Tue 25-Mar-14 19:25:20

Sorry, your husband is a dick.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, come Saturday night hand him the baby at 6pm and tell him you expect not to hear a sound until at least 9am. See how he likes it.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 25-Mar-14 19:25:36

What a horrible bully! And why is he "being asked to be woken" at 6am? Can't he fucking wake himself up? How ridiculous to complain about being woken 15 minutes early.

Tell him to fuck off.

RedRoom Tue 25-Mar-14 19:26:02

Perhaps sleep deprivation is affecting him badly at work, hence his horrible grumps. If his job is high pressure, tiredness can make that unbearable. You say he doesn't sleep well anyway, and I think he is struggling to function on the sleep he does get. No an excuse, but certainly an explanation. I used to have chronic sleep problems which made me a right bitch every morning to my wonderful, wonderful DH, so I have more sympathy than most because I know how unreasonable it can make you. Regardless, no one is more sleep deprived in your household than you, and you aren't behaving like that. I suggest he buys ear plugs. and sleeps in the room furthest from the baby. Do you have a baby monitor so that you can be alert to her waking before the crying starts?

AlistairSim Tue 25-Mar-14 19:26:24

Tell your husband you've asked other women and
they all say he's a wanker.

ThatBloodyWoman Tue 25-Mar-14 19:26:35

Hearing that has made me so bloody angry.

What a complete tosser.

Trifle Tue 25-Mar-14 19:26:49

'He asked to be woken at 6' ! What are you, his personal alarm clock. Do you have to wake up just to get him up. Words fail me.

Bondfan007 Tue 25-Mar-14 19:27:44

He sounds horrible.

ThatBloodyWoman Tue 25-Mar-14 19:28:49

Oh, and btw,you work hard in a demanding job.

He needs to stop being a bully and do his share.

Bloody hell, that is appalling! I would love it if my 2.5 year old slept as well as your baby - she is still waking 2-6 times a night. Your DH is deeply, deeply unreasonable and totally out of order. Why on earth is it your "fault" if the baby wakes more than usual?? It is biologically NORMAL for babies and young children to nightwake.

We tend to be more of the "go that was a bad night, how are you feeling?" to each other in the morning if it's been a hard one. Which is a normal sort of thing to say.

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 25-Mar-14 19:31:22

The baby doesnt sound bad to me, tell him to wake himself up the knob.

Hes pissed off because the baby woke him up 15 mins early? Ha ha send him round here, sometimes ours wakes dp up two hours early and if he does it a few days on the trot dp will have him for those couple of hours so i can sleep!

Tell him to fuck off somewhere else if he doesnt like it! He sounds bloody awful

scottishmummy Tue 25-Mar-14 19:33:05

He's stressing about 15min,that's you shouldn't be considering sleep sofa

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 25-Mar-14 19:34:34

My DD used to sleep from 11pm to 5am, not much different to your DD, as sleeping goes, shes a pretty good sleeper.

Your H on the other hand.............

I have a few sweary words for him.

FabBakerGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 19:34:52

Redroom- being tired didn't make you a "bitch." You are using it as an excuse. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour.

HubertS - what would he do or say if you told your husband to grow up?

goodtimesinbontemps Tue 25-Mar-14 19:35:02

He sounds horrible, doesn't he realise that he is a parent and that's part and parcel of parenthood? He obviously sees childrearing as your job? I would think this sadly is only the tip of the iceberg in his treatment of you sad

MadameJosephine Tue 25-Mar-14 19:35:33

What an arsehole! He is 'in a mood' because HIS baby (yes she does have 2 parents!) woke him up 15 minutes before his chosen time, how dare he make you feel stupid angry

NonnoMum Tue 25-Mar-14 19:36:03

I'm with AlistairSim


Logg1e Tue 25-Mar-14 19:37:25

How dare he talk to you like that?

When he's not at work the following day, and he's getting up to see to baby, does he keep her sleeping through the night with no disturbance? hmm

ContentedSidewinder Tue 25-Mar-14 19:37:27

You only have to look on the sleep threads to know that other parents are tearing their hair out at non-sleeping babies/toddlers/children.

He is a twat, I have never said that before on MN but my god he deserves it.

Both my children had reflux, ds2 was a lot worse than ds1 but at the end of the day they are babies, not robots and they sometimes need us in the night.

What an arsehole.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:37:56

If I was to tell him to grow up he would be worse

Logg1e Tue 25-Mar-14 19:39:07

How much worse can he be?

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 19:39:54

Your husband sounds like he is enjoying making you miserable and tormenting you over something that is not in any way your fault. Your baby sounds like a good wee sleeper in son was was waking around 15 times each and every night until he was almost two. I talked to other mums and they all had stories to tell me of their children waking every night. It is so common!!!

Your husband sounds so cruel. Even mentioning other women is designed to make you feel like a failure as a mum and that other mums have this licked when it is NOT true at all.

PrincessPotsie Tue 25-Mar-14 19:40:19

grin grin grin AlistairSim

What a knobhead! My DH is v similar and he annoys me no end too

We'll I think we've established your baby is normal and your dh is being an arsehole.

What's he like in other ways?

The way he speaks to you is very aggressive and unreasonable.

jasmineramsden Tue 25-Mar-14 19:40:56

Astounded reading this, what a complete WANKER. OP your baby sounds like she's doing really well, he is a total idiot how dare he question and blame you like this?!
Actually made me furious on your behalf reading this. Might do him good to read the consensus on this thread and sort his head out...

Handywoman Tue 25-Mar-14 19:41:18

What AlistairSim said

AdoraBell Tue 25-Mar-14 19:43:26

Has he asked other women what they do with husbands who turn into cunts arseholes?

ChickenFromHell Tue 25-Mar-14 19:44:13

'DH please fuck the fuck off to far side of fuck. If you can hear the baby cry - help. If you want to be a cunt buy some ear plugs.'

I also think you've got a fab sleeper, DD is up every 2 hours at 10m/o.

K8Middleton Tue 25-Mar-14 19:44:56

He'd sleep a lot better at his mother's.

I'm sorry you're married to an utter cock. Plenty of men and women who have 8mo babies have demanding jobs and manage not to behave in such a horrible way as your husband. If he chooses to continue that behaviour you would be within your rights to choose that he leaves.

Thumbcat Tue 25-Mar-14 19:45:21

What a bullying little excuse of a man. Does he have any redeeming qualities or is he always a wanker?

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:45:31


OxfordBags Tue 25-Mar-14 19:46:18

Which kinda proves your point, doesn't it? He sounds immature, deeply entitled, has absurdly and pathetically unreal expectations of what is biologically normal for a child, and he is bullying you. If this is your baby's sleep pattern at the moment, then HE needs to find a way to adapt, be it him sleeping in another room, earplugs, or whatever. A baby cannot change what is natural for them at that given stage, not should they be made to.

You are the one who is the most sleep deprived and you are mature and accepting. He sounds like a selfish bully, and the fact that you daren't tell him to grow up or anything, shows that he is controlling and possibly abusing you. In a healthy relationship, if one partner is being a twat, the other one does not feel scared to point it out to them. But then again, in a normal relationship, the man would not be such an aggressive and selfish twat.

Buckteethjeff Tue 25-Mar-14 19:46:31

OMG what an abusive prick!

My dp gets up and helps me if were having a bad night , then goes to work for 12 hours. He isn't a saint, just normal.

Think very carefully how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:46:41

Sorry lol was to previous post, not the above

BertieBotts Tue 25-Mar-14 19:48:25

You've had a lot of strong and shocking answers on here OP and I expect you're feeling a bit alarmed and maybe even a bit unsure as to what to say?

That's OK, the reason everybody is so shocked and angry on your behalf is that this kind of behaviour really isn't normal or healthy in a relationship sad This should be an incredibly happy time for you and your DH, the birth of your first child, and yet he's sniping at you all the time and making you feel low and anxious.

Shouting and swearing is really not acceptable, it's actually classed as verbal abuse. It's very common for this kind of treatment to start or get worse when you are pregnant or have a small child, he might have been nice before, he might even be nice some of the time now (when you play your cards right...) but please know that this is not normal and it's not behaviour you have to put up with from your spouse.

Sorry if responses have been a bit strong/shocking. It's just hard to imagine someone being so horrible to you when they're supposed to be supporting you through a hard and confusing time of married life. We're angry for you, at him. Please post more (and tell us if you're shocked by responses) - the ladies on this board are an incredible source of information and support for people in your situation, and nobody will expect or demand immediate action, just be there to listen, whenever you are ready.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 19:48:38

Echo everyone else - your husband's an ignorant, spiteful bully.
What to do?

fortheloveofmike Tue 25-Mar-14 19:48:42

Good god!!
I have an 8 month old too and we usually get from 7 til 10 then a quick feed and then down til approx 5/6. Hes teething at the mo so we have wakings every couple hours.. all babies are different though. My first was a marvellous sleeper!!
Tell your husband where to stick his opinions and the ones from the other women hes spoken too.. honestly he sounds horrible

BabsAndTheRu Tue 25-Mar-14 19:48:48

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead. My god that has angered me so much. Problem with him being woken in the night, no problem here's a pillow over your face so you never wake again prick, or a frying pan over the head while he sleeps, bullying controlling wanker.
I could not put up with someone intimidating me like that, in fact the last person that did I divorced. What a horrible horrible man.
Just incase I haven't made my feelings clear, he's a dick of the highest order.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:49:20

Kids are 4yrs and 8 months, if we can't handle this I worry about all the future challenges teenagers ete etc

Only1scoop Tue 25-Mar-14 19:50:42

He sounds you ever get a little lie in at weekends etc or when he is off?

I bloody hope soangry

nickelbabe Tue 25-Mar-14 19:51:58

dd is 27mo and still wakes up 2-3 times inthe night.

dh is a postie so gets up before 5 every day.
sometimes dd wakes up so acutely that I hsve to take her downstairs for breakfast at 2!

dh complains that he's tired but would never blame me for it!!

also, it's been shown by research that children.don't normally sleep through the night (which includes waking and self-settling) until at least 4 years old.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 25-Mar-14 19:52:18

I can't believe you have to account to him in the morning for what went wrong in the night!!!! Nothing went wrong! And, even if it did, how is it all your doing? He's the baby's parent too - and one who never goes to her when she cries, by the sound of it.

lavesh Tue 25-Mar-14 19:53:57

You poor thing. I posted on here recently about how terribly our 7 and 3 yr old have slept for years and how it is really getting us down but my DH has never resorted to blaming me in such a nasty way. You must feel so unsupported.

Pls tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable and that you're not there to be abused. There isn't a Dr in the land who would think your children are behaving anything more than normally.

GotMyGoat Tue 25-Mar-14 19:54:07

erm.. waking up at 5.45 IS sleeping through the night - isn't it? what is he expecting?

GotMyGoat Tue 25-Mar-14 19:54:21

LTB grin

Only1scoop Tue 25-Mar-14 19:55:33

Actually the "what went wrong last night" is making me very angry on your behalf.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 19:56:16

Oh me too. Absolute arsehole.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 25-Mar-14 19:58:12

LEAVE THE SELFISH CUNT. Then he could sleep as long as he wishes.

GertTheFlirt Tue 25-Mar-14 19:59:18

Why are you with him?

Mouldypineapple Tue 25-Mar-14 20:06:05

My DD didn't sleep through regularly until about 18 months old. Currently (aged 4) she seems to get up most nights and creep into our bed which I don't always mind but it irritates my dh as he is a poor sleeper. But even though he's grumpy sometimes usually the worst I get is 'take her back to bed!' Your dh is being unreasonable and selfish. It's not like your going in her room and making her cry just to annoy him is it?!

Jsa1980 Tue 25-Mar-14 20:09:53

Take your babies and run. Or change the locks whilst he's at work.

What a twunt.

For what it's worth, she sleeps better than my 11 month old.

Treaclepot Tue 25-Mar-14 20:11:22

He sounds very agressive and nasty. Does he have any redeming features?

tumbletumble Tue 25-Mar-14 20:17:24

"What's today's excuse" at being woken 15 mins earlier than planned makes my blood boil for you!

My DH also works hard in a demanding job and is the kind of person who really needs his sleep. He still shares getting up with the DC if they wake in the night and would never make horrible sarky comments about it.

Our solution is that he gets both lie ins at the weekend - I'm happy to do this for him because I recognise how difficult he finds it when he is tired.

Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 20:18:21

When he's good he's great

fortheloveofmike Tue 25-Mar-14 20:21:45

Well when hes being "great" explain that hes an utter cock and needs to have a think about his behaviour. Honestly this is awful :-(

mellicauli Tue 25-Mar-14 20:22:24

What about pointing out that the reason she doesn't sleep is because she has inherited his defective sleeping genes?

Maybe you could put DH on a performance improvement plan . If he doesn't improve his attitude, give him a warning and if thAt fails you could just manage him out? I suspect that would be the kind of language he would understand..

FabBakerGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 20:25:04

Do not start minimising, please. He is an abusive bully who thinks you are beneath him.
When he is shit he is really shit. If he cuddled you 6 days and slapped you 1 day you wouldn't accept that.

Gigondas Tue 25-Mar-14 20:26:15

Your baby waking sounds normal. The demanding job thing is bollocks( my dh did all night feeds with dd2 as I was in hospital for most of first 8 months) . Your dh is being a twat.

AdoraBell Tue 25-Mar-14 20:27:59

And when you say "he wanted To be woken at 6" How did he expect that To happen?

Did he set an alarm clock for 6 am, or does he expect you To wake him at the apptointed time?

aprilanne Tue 25-Mar-14 20:28:13

you tell him cathpip sorry to laugh but i would,nt like to burn your toast

aprilanne Tue 25-Mar-14 20:30:42

my middle son was awake about 20 hrs a day for first two years .and no i am not exagerating .your baby sounds like an angel my husband would have kissed the ground she crawled on if that was our baby

ScarletStar Tue 25-Mar-14 20:35:10

This is fucking terrible for you! It makes me feel so sad. Look. sad

I admit that I feel bad for my DH if his sleep is disturbed by our ds, but then I get over myself. DH certainly doesn't ever complain. Last night I had to take ds out of the bedroom twice in the middle night because he was blabbering away (new habit) and in the morning I asked DH if he'd been disturbed and he said 'a little, but it's okay.' I knew for a fact he'd lost a least an hour of sleep but he'd certainly never blame! He's grateful that I do the night feeds/nappy changes, and I'm grateful he goes to work.

I'm sorry but your man is just being an arsehole.

DameFanny Tue 25-Mar-14 20:35:26

Does he take any responsibility for his children Hubert?

magicalmrmistoffelees Tue 25-Mar-14 20:36:41

Gosh, my 5 month old DD wakes every 2 hours, so your LO sounds like a great sleeper! DD is EBF so there is very little that DH can do when she wakes, but will always take over and resettle her after a feed so I can get some rest. He also works in a very demanding job, often out of the house for 12 hours a day and then working when he gets home. Surely your DH realised when you had DC that his sleep would inevitably be disrupted??

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 25-Mar-14 20:37:44

When he's good he's great

Yep, even Hitler had the odd good day.

Your husband is abusive, this will get worse. You and your kids deserve better.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 25-Mar-14 20:46:39

"What went wrong last night"
I woke up and remembered what a complete wanking toss pot of a arse hole I married.

msdiamant Tue 25-Mar-14 20:49:55

I am very sensitive to noise and most of the nights I use earplugs. There are different varieties. I use orange once which you can get in a supermarket. They help a lot but might not help when someone's snores next to you. Babies can be very curious and some just love waking up early. You might want to put her in bed 30min later to see if she would wake up later.
I become moody if I don't sleep enough. I am often disturbed by my DH's snoring. He sleeps like a baby though. I think your husband needs to read that not all babies are the same. He needs to understand it and stop blaming you for not being able to keep the baby asleep for longer.

msdiamant Tue 25-Mar-14 20:51:57

Also, as far as I know many partners become selfish in the first year of their child.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 25-Mar-14 20:56:27

Selfish partners are selfish in the early years, supportive partners aren't.

TheKnightsThatSayNee Tue 25-Mar-14 21:02:37

Sounds like your husband is being a cock-womble.
Is he sorry later? Just sometimes when I'm woken I can be a complete arse for a moment but I always apologise because when the foggyness of sleep wears off I realise I'm being a nob.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 21:03:16 first woke every two hours until she was nearly a year! Just wanted to be in my bloody arms. At 3.5 she's still up twice a night!

'What went wrong?' I'd poke him in the eye.

He needs to respect you and what you're doing.

Jemimapuddlemuck Tue 25-Mar-14 21:06:21

I would love to have had that sleeping pattern at 8 months! He sounds bloody awful OP, sorry.

CurtWild Tue 25-Mar-14 21:08:10

DD1 is 3 and she hasn't slept through once yet.
DD2 is 16 months and wakes on average every two hours.
DS is 16 months and has slept through from about 12 months.
All babies sleep through when they're good and ready (or not, see above!) so who are these women your DH is talking to who say your baby should be sleeping through?! Just because theirs were doesn't mean yours will, plus teething is a nightmare.
Fwiw my stbxh hated it when our 3 woke at night, told me they probably wouldn't settle for him so he wasn't going to try.. and yes, somehow them waking was my fault, he even blamed it on my breast milk once confused.
He had many other 'endearing' traits like this..and I LTB. Not saying you should leave your husband btw, but he is a monumental prick for treating you like this.

Iggi101 Tue 25-Mar-14 21:08:27

Wake him at 6? So if the baby had slept till 7 you'd have been expected to wake up early somehow to wake him up?

This is exactly the sort of crap my STBX would come out with.

"I'm entitled to my sleep."
"I work hard and deserve a proper rest."
"You are spoiling her. Leave her to cry."
"You chose to BF. It's your fault. You made a rod for your own back."

He never once got up for any of our 3 DC when they woke in the night. There are other reasons he's out on his ear now but that complete lack of respect that he showed, and the utter unrealistic expectations, and the selfishness he displayed over the sleep thing was one of the major deciding factors that finally led me to get rid.

My baby (2.5) still wakes a lot. I still co-sleep. I still do whatever it takes to get me & my 3 DCs through each night. I just don't have the added grief of someone who shut himself away in the main bedroom every night doing sod-all parenting would then pass judgement on my parenting abilities every morning. He would shut the door and that was the signal to me that "I'm done. Whatever happens now, you're o. Your own."

The dcs and I are far better off without him. Your decision of course, OP, but I suspect you would be too.

Take care and please believe everyone who says here that it's not ok for him to treat you like this.

on your own that should say.

WineSpider Tue 25-Mar-14 21:26:07

I'm speechless. What an unsupportive, massive dick. I'm sorry for you OP. It sounds like your baby is doing really well.

phoebeflangey Tue 25-Mar-14 21:51:14

My STBEXH was exactly like this, I ended up on the sofa with our newborn baby for six weeks, with our business whilst he had lie ins and wasted any money we had. Makes me so cross when I hear other men are like this and don't want to be woken? It takes two to have a child, man up!

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 21:55:23

They need to woman up, considering it is WOMEN who unfailingly get up without complaint ten times a night if required!!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Mar-14 22:02:02

Fwiw, my ex was emotionally abusive, made me feel shit about myself day in, day out. He cheated on me. One thing he did do was wake for the babies. I'd breast feed and he'd wind them and put them back down.

It's not good enough to say he's good at other times. Even my arsehole ex took his responsibilities with his dc's seriously and shared the work load.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 22:18:45

This morning dh had asked to get woken at 6 am

I cant get past this! Sorry, did I miss something and I am reading ""?!

Good other times does not excuse utterly shite the rest of the time. If you were alone you would be doing all you do now, but without the crap he is laying at your door. Think about it.

Jollyphonics Tue 25-Mar-14 22:21:58

I work really hard in a demanding job too. And I'm a single parent, whose kids didn't sleep through the night until they were 3. I just have to deal with it, and so should he. Either tell him to bugger off, or find some way to ignore him.

Botanicbaby Tue 25-Mar-14 22:35:52

'my DH shouts and swears at me if we have a disturbed night'

'then I face an inquisition as to what went "wrong"'

'he makes me feel stupid and it comes across as excuses'

'he's in a mood with me and asked what went wrong/what'd today's excuse?'

'he asks other women and they say....'

'I chose to say nothing'.

OP my heart goes out to you, it really does. He doesn't sound great to me. So your husband works hard in a demanding job? Well, so do you! I bet you don't get to question him on his performance? It makes my blood boil too that he questions you in this way and makes you feel stupid.

I would be livid at the fact that a) not only did he think it was okay to ask other people what they think your baby's sleep pattern should be by now (wtf!) but that he also b) decided to tell you this piece of utterly useless disparaging piece of information. Something needs to change here, his attitude for a start. He sounds wholly unsupportive of you and what you do sad

Botanicbaby Tue 25-Mar-14 22:38:25

oh can't believe I left out the bit about him expecting to be woken at 6am. Hasn't he got an alarm clock that he can set all by himself? He needs to take some responsibility for himself (and his family) here.

43percentburnt Tue 25-Mar-14 22:39:18

I work ft and long hours. I was also waking 7 x a night with a teething baby aged 6 months that wants to breast feed. Its tiring. But very very normal! Yes he may have a job but in sure he has had lack of sleep from nights out drinking in the past and no doubt he coped just fine.

Babies do not sleep through the night, it is normal. The baby is not the problem
your husband is the problem he sounds thoroughly unpleasant and a little stupid if he thinks babies don't wake up at night. in fact its a common occurrence, often portrayed in films, books, adverts...

painting2014 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:41:19

If this is typical behaviour I would not expect it to change.

This reminds me so much of the behaviour of my dad and much unhappiness from my childhood, for instance I can remember sitting at the GP when I was ill as a young child while my dad complained to the GP about he had had disturbed sleep as I was up all night coughing etc and how she would need to do something about it. She was not at all impressed.

When my younger sibling was born I was 7 so I was aware that my dad did almost nothing baby wise and that we were my mum's sole responsibility - he was not to be inconvenienced by her kids - and she said she often felt like a single parent. I wish they had not stayed together. He had no interest in children.

The man described in the original post does not sound like a man who cares about his family. I would be horrified if my husband behaved like that. He would never do so anyway because he loves me and our child and shares the responsibilities of parenting.

DIddled Tue 25-Mar-14 22:43:36

Astounded and disgusted- feel so sorry for you x

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 22:45:21

Oh dear. He's obviously tired and is behaving like a prick. Unless he's like this all the time.
Why doesn't he go to the spare room with earplugs and an alarm clock? You'll relax more, too, I bet, without his lordship to worry about.
My DH slept downstairs on cushions when I was going mad with tiredness up with DD. If he'd asked what my excuse was, I think I'd have exploded. Does it ever occur to him that you are 100 times more tired than he is?!

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 22:46:36

Oh, and he volunteered to do this btw. I didn't suggest it. He had a bad back for ages. It was a fucking horrible stressful time actually.

starlight1234 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:50:00

Reminds me of my Ex..what it meant was a got up to see to him every whimper...consequently despite leaving him when Ds was 10 months old he didn't sleep through till he was 4...

His attitude towards you sucks...

43percentburnt Tue 25-Mar-14 23:02:47

I think you should ask his female colleagues if their husbands shout and swear if their kids wake at night. Bet he forgets that bit, no doubt he alludes to how much he does during the night, gaining sympathy and people making him coffee.

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 23:03:17

Yes, what Ninja said! Does he stop thinking about himself for one second to ask if YOU are tired?

He is horrible.

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 23:09:22

Perhaps you could tell husband that other husbands manage really well on broken sleep, some even get up to help and none blame their OHs for a baby doing what babies, erm, do...

Throw it back at him. Seriously, tell him you've chatted to MN your friends and the consensus is men cope really well and are supportive. Fucking hell, some even realise a new mum is shattered, too.

msdiamant Wed 26-Mar-14 00:16:07

OP's husband has been zombiefied either by his colleagues or by his parents. I would place my bet on PILs but I could be wrong.

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 00:46:35

Op it doesn't 'make him angry' he chooses to get angry with you. He knows it is not your fault but he is hacked of so he takes it out on you.

What is your excuse today? Sounds like he actually relishes the opportunity to do you down.


When you say when he is good he is really good, is he really? Or is it just much, much less unpleasant than when he is horrible but not actually all that positive. Is his good much more considerate than you would be to the average person?

Vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 26-Mar-14 02:09:58

I don't have DC, I do have sleep issues, if I slept from 11:00 to 4:00, on a normal night I'd be throwing a party. (I say normal as I'm post Surgery ATM so am on mega pain killers and dozing a lot at the minute).

Back to the point, 5 straight hours sleep is good for most people, never mind a tiny baby.

As for asking you what went wrong well what exactly is he expecting you to do?

He's a twat.

InfiniteJest Wed 26-Mar-14 06:19:10

OP. I have an 11 month old DD who wakes multiple times a night. This is not unusual, she's a baby. Our baby, and our joint responsibility.

She's not my job, my husband is not my boss, and I am not accountable to him. If he were to treat me that way, I would be challenging him on his attitude.

How do you think your husband would react if you challenged him? Are you afraid of him?

TheABC Wed 26-Mar-14 06:25:48

Really not impressed at your DH, OP. On the other hand...can we swap babies?! Mine is 9 months old, still waking ravenously hungry every 3-4 hours. I am writing this whilst feeding him at 6:20 in the morning. DH is snuggled asleep next to me - but even if my baby was making a fuss, his first reaction would be to help, not blame.

joanofarchitrave Wed 26-Mar-14 06:26:03

And no doubt he will be on here in three years' time asking why 'you women' never seem to want to have sex and how he feels like a meal ticket. Never a moment's connection to this time when you needed him to act like an adult and he didn't

I don't say this often but - he's acting like a knob. The baby has an excuse of being a baby for crying and whinging. What's his?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Mar-14 07:16:54

OP I hope you're OK this morning. I'm worried that the baby's sleep patterns are not the issue here. Yelling at you for something like this is like yelling at you for the sun coming up... i.e. he's just finding excuses to pick on you.... and I am concerned that this bullying is a regular occurrence if you are worried about saying anything. 'When he's good, he's great' is the classic response of someone who lives in fear. What else do you do that gets him angry? Does he tell you that you need to be a better wife? Do you feel that you constantly fall short?

You're right to be worried about the future because bullies rarely change.

Thattimeofyearagain Wed 26-Mar-14 07:48:00

Is he a controlling twat in other areas of your relationship ?

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 07:55:17

cog afraid I thought the same. The only time I have ever heard the when he is good he is great used is me of my abusive x and others in similar situations and it could be swapped for when he stops being a prick it is much nicer.

it is what you say when you need to find a reason for why you are putting up with something.

My friends who have nice dhs don't say that. Because they don't need a reason to 'put up' with their ohs. Theirs are ok.

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 07:57:21

Op hope you and baby got a good nights sleep last night.

How are things this morning?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Wed 26-Mar-14 08:05:13

He asked yo be woken at 6am

What are you his alarm clock woman?!

I would be telling him to shut up not worrying over what excuses to make

It's his baby too

And no, the other women are talking nonsense

LoisPuddingLane Wed 26-Mar-14 08:40:12

I don't actually believe he asked any other women. My daughter slept through very early on but I know that's not very common. If he asked, say, three women, it's very unlikely they would all have had kids that slept through.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Mar-14 08:48:37

I'm guessing that these 'other women' he talks to also tell him that the OP doesn't keep the house clean enough, doesn't cook nice enough meals, doesn't iron his shirts properly..... He shouts and swears. He's a bully. He makes the OP face inquisitions and accuses her of making excuses. He will be the type that finds all kinds of random things unsatisfactory as a way of keeping the OP down.

mistlethrush Wed 26-Mar-14 08:58:07

I think that your baby's sleep pattern seems pretty good for her age - I certainly couldn't count on an undisturbed night (well 11 - 5.30) until DS was 18 months - and then if teething etc got in the way, they were put on hold until he'd got over it.

What would the situation be if you were to ask him to deal with all night wakings on a Friday and Saturday nights - so that you didn't have to get up on two nights (or indeed, just on a Friday) - it isn't unreasonable to expect a father to help out one night a week when he's not working in the morning.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 26-Mar-14 10:03:54

Thinking about you earlier when our 3 year old woke us all up at 5 this morning. Hope you are okay op.

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 19:34:50

'FabBakerGirl: Redroom- being tired didn't make you a "bitch." You are using it as an excuse. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour'. Yes it did, actually. I had a recognised medical condition with the side effects of depression, irritability and mood swings. Don't judge me, please, when you know absolutely nothing about why I was so tired. As soon as I started medication, all of the symptoms went away. Sleep deprivation affects all kinds of physiological and physiological processes. It can even lead to suicidal thoughts. Hold your own judgemental thoughts.

FabBakerGirl Wed 26-Mar-14 19:51:34

Well, obviously I am not a mind reader and commented on what you had posted only, RedRoom.

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 20:40:24

The thread wasn't about me and my medical problems, it was about someone's husband behaving unreasonably through lack of sleep. I thought that mentioning that lack of sleep- whatever the reason for it- can cause people to behave in odd ways might reassure the OP that he's not a bastard that she should leave, but that there could be other problems. I found your comment about me rather upsetting and I would not tell someone I didn't know that they were a bitch based on a brief post they had made. FWIW, my DH proposed to me during that horrible period because he understood and loved me regardless. Maybe bite your tongue before firing off insults and sarcastic responses?

nickelbabe Wed 26-Mar-14 22:28:00

last night, dd didn't go to sleep until gone midnight and despite my best efforts. spent at least an hour jumping on.dh. he had to be up at 4.20.
yet tonight, he said to dd "are you going to sleep at all tonight?"
he didn't blame me, he didn't have a go at either of us.

how many of these stories do you need before you're convinced it's not normal what you're going through?

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