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Thread for those who have serious dysfunctional relationships with their Mothers

(94 Posts)
bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:02:05

I know there have been threads before, so I know there are many of you out there who have very difficult relationships with their Mother...and I hope nobody minds me starting this now. It's coming up to Mother's Day, which is a really difficult time for us.

At risk of being narcissistic (and I am being), my own Mother left when I was young and has being the opposite of what I consider a Mother to be, that is the Mother my friends had, the Mother my cousins and husband had. I always think I am winning the battle, gosh, I have done it all! Eating disorders, self harm, you name it! However, today got me, it got me so much I want to hit myself! Someone who is old enough to be my Mother was kind to me, and grateful for a favour I did and that really got me. It's a crap time of year with all the 'fantastic Mother' stuff around and it is bloody exhausting trying to deal with all the self-hatred and anger.

I know it's not just me.

mansize Mon 24-Mar-14 19:12:49

It's not just you. My mother abused me emotionally and physically at every opportunity until I left 'home'. I feel the memories in my body sometimes. I have no feelings for her other than anger. I sometimes fantasise about recounting all this to her, but am afraid she'd try to kill herself. Oh the irony.

It's definitely not just you. I can't love my mother after how she has behaved (verbal, physical and emotional abuse for as long as I can remember), but I feel hugely guilty about that.

When I was raped by a stranger, after the police failed to catch him she said "as far as I'm concerned you made the whole thing up" and chucked me out of home. Not something I can ever forgive, but I stay civil for the sake of harmonious family relations.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 19:25:41

It's been over 30 years since my mum left (I was 12) and behaved in a toxic way ever since. She left the Monday after Mothers Day.

I've been nc for 10 years now and it's still hard at this time of year. I try to make it all about my dc, not me.

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:30:37

There scars are just too deep, being treated this way by your own Mother is the ultimate betrayal.

mansize, I feel anger too and I did tell her how I felt, do you know what it was such a release, I didn't expect I would feel that way! I don't want to judge your own situation but it really helped me take charge of my feelings.

It is 100 times worse when you have your own children and realise how much you love them

I am sorry bullets about how your Mum has treated you. xx

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:32:23

Weegiemum you could be me. I have been NC for just over a year so early days still.

This time of year is horrible, I torture myself. Talking like this helps me realise it is not ME and this happens to others

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 19:33:09

I've been in therapy for years, have a PD diagnosis. I've had 3 years medication free now and my psychologist is delighted with me.

I will never talk to her again!

CoilRegret Mon 24-Mar-14 19:33:57

I disowned mine and feel better every day for it.
It's been 15 years since I called her my 'mother'.
I am waiting for her death so I can dance on her grave. Narcissitic cow.

mansize Mon 24-Mar-14 19:36:43

Bullets, that's awful.

Weegie, well done (if you know what I mean) for maintaining 10 years NC. Does she ever try to contact you?

Bish, I have come close at times but she is such a small woman in so many ways, I almost pity her. She has no friends and has no concept of life beyond the housework, which she is fastidious about. My father died recently so she's all alone now. As much as I hate her I can't bring myself to make her feel worse, despite all the horrible things she did and said to me. Ridiculous, isn't it?

MummyBeerest Mon 24-Mar-14 19:41:37

It's soooo not just you.

My relationship with my mother is definitely toxic. Though not as terrible as some others, it's really effected my life and relationships with others.

It was my mother's birthday yesterday. She sat with tears in her eyes and went on and on about all the sacrifices she made for us, how hard she worked, and how now it's time to start living for herself.

Except she's always lived for herself.

She stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for money, is drowning in debt because of things she "just wants," and has always put pressure on us to live and be exactly as she wants us to be because she believes it all reflects on her.

She's thrown me under the bus so many times when I needed her help, shamed me more times than I care to remember, and blatantly favoured my sister over me.

And I had to sit and listen to her horse shit.

Here, Mother's Day is in May. I dread it. I have a DD and I fear becoming like my mother towards her.

RockinD Mon 24-Mar-14 19:43:32

I no longer have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother. 26 years ago she decided that I was such a disappointment to her that she wanted nothing more to do with me. The letter arrived when I was in hospital on a drip, threatening to go into premature labour. She has never seen her second GD and never bothered with the first since then.

Any approach I have made to her has been completely rejected. My attempt to sort this out after the death of my enabler father was labelled 'cruel and heartless'

I hate Mothers' Day. She is 94 now and lives alone in a sheltered flat. She has no friends and no other family. I feel that I should be making sure she is all right, but she won't let me near and there is no-one to mediate.

She's never liked me and everything I ever did was wrong, so at least I don't have to worry any more about pleasing the unpleasable, but I would love to know why she cut me off as she did, because I haven't got a bloody clue!

Thanks. I was 16, but it feels pretty raw at the moment because circumstances have dragged it up again. I have confronted her about things she's done, but she rewrites the past, to the extent that she believes her own lies. She genuinely feels like a victim.

I don't know if anyone else's mum rewrites things like this. It makes you feel like you are crazy. I sometimes have to check with my sister to confirm my memories are real.

I feel guilty for how I feel about her though, and am not strong enough to go NC. Weirdly, I feel sorry for her, as she has alienated everyone who might care about her and has a pretty crap life.

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 19:58:36

My Mum rewrites things Bullets. It's so convenient isn't it? Nobody saw what went on behind closed doors but to the outside world, my "mother" is an absolute SAINT.

Fortunately my sister and I are incredibly close and have shared memories. We keep each other sane (well, I kind of wasn't sane for a while but that's another thread).

I do have a relationship with my mother and I use it to my full advantage. To me, she is a very useful babysitter, as despite being an appalling mother to us, she is the epitome of a devoted grandparent. How this has panned out I really don't know. I think she has had some "fugue" (sp?) and re-written history so much she lives and breathes the improved version. If that makes sense??

We have had "discussions" and she knows (in her unchanged history moments of lucidity and recall) that I do not, and never will, either forget or forgive. She knows I "tolerate" her. I assume she knows I use her to the hilt but I care not.

I very much doubt I will shed tears for her loss when she dies. I will probably mourn the fact that I have lived my whole life not knowing anything of this special mother/daughter relationship that many speak of.

Neither do I know of father/daughter relationships as he died when I was 4. I feel that loss every.single.day.

So all in all, I have always felt parent-less.

I buy a Mother's day card but stand there for ages finding the most generic card I can that doesn't include words such as "special" "love" etc

Hedgehog80 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:01:47

Its not just you.

My relationship with my mum is just weird. Sometimes its bearable and I can speak to her, other times the hurt from the past is just too much.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 20:04:18

She wrote to me, said she'd "consider" talking to me again if I'd hear her out.

Aye right.

She blanked me totally at my Gran's funeral in 1997 and again at my brothers wedding last October. She even tried to avoid talking to my gorgeous 14yo dd1 who had decided she wanted to say hello - compared all my dd said to my sister's partner's son she'd known for all of 2 years. Made no attempt to talk to me, dh, ds or dd2.

There are no possible future events I could see her at.

I hope I'm spared having to see her again. I don't hate her - she's a stranger to me now. I have a fantabulous Stepmum who is the best mum I could ever want!

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Mon 24-Mar-14 20:09:57

This is such a helpful thread bishbash

shakey Uncanny! I did that today at lunchtime; ended up finding a very generic Mother's Day with flowers on, no 'special' or 'love' anywhere in sight. So I get to feel proud and that I've done the right thing by getting her one, without selling my soul at the same time!

My mum has rewritten history, she is genuinely completely confused why we aren't close. I've tried explaining, but there's no point, she never ever gets it.

shakey I buy a Mother's day card but stand there for ages finding the most generic card I can that doesn't include words such as "special" "love" etc

Me too! I try to find one that just says happy birthday or happy Mother's Day, something as bloody plain as possible.

I always feel so sad when I read on fb or hear people talking about their wonderful mother, mine was such a disaster, she should never have had children. I don't feel jealous, just deep sadness and think you are so lucky. I worry that my kids will grow up and shake their heads when their phone rings and say awh no it's mother, I won't answer just like I do now.

Mummy they don't get it because they are in denial, I know mine is anyway. I say to her 'do you remember calling me stupid? Ugly? Telling me I will never go anywhere in life or be anything? Herself: I never said such a thing!

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 20:29:50

What u don't understand is all the people u know how great relationships with their mums and it wouldn't make a difference for them to understand, but u so wish they could live a day feeling the loss and emptiness u (we) feel

U know my best friends are mother figures, and I'm lucky to have two fabulous 'other mothers'

I feel exhausted though that for the rest of my life I will torture myself on irrational days

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:31:30

Ditto birthday and Christmas cards. I'm sure the card shop people watch with amusement as I pick cards up, scan the inside and emit things along the lines of-

Yeah right!
Pfft.
Vom.
I don't think so.

CoilRegret Mon 24-Mar-14 20:35:18

I find that I'm drawn to people who have lost their mothers. Only they understand. My best friends both have mothers who died young.

I don't send a card for anything. Don't answer my phone to any international numbers. She tries and tries, if not directly then thorough my friends. Favourite way is to call from hospital for planned cosmetic surgery & try to convince them that she is dying and has to have a message passed to me before it's too late.

I envy my friends who have normal relationships with their mums. They don't understand when I talk about thinking of going NC with mine - they say "won't you feel awful if she dies and you're not speaking?" and things like that. They don't understand (and, to be fair, why would they?).

Recently (police caught my attacker through dna) she has taken to sending me emails saying "you're on trial too" etc... Just awful, and she still has the power to make me feel like shit.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 20:43:53

Before I went nc I would buy a plain "flowers on the front" type card. And just sign it "to mum from weegie".

I love buying cards for my Stepmum and even mil!!

Planning things they'll like!

My dh has been an awesome support in this. Initiated traditions! Daffodil bouquets (they're my favourite flower!), lunch out (my "mother" never wanted this), the dc buy me an Easter Egg, and I get a little one for them too.

For the last 4-5 years we've nailed it with his help. Lunch, flowers, eggs! Then 2 years ago he and the kids bought me 2 guinea pigs (my fave pet!!). Last year we went to Edinburgh Zoo to see the Pandas (my fave fantasy pet!).

I have a huge "STUFF MY BIRTH MOTHER" thing going on! My clinical psychologist loves it, I've broken free!

RE the mother figures, I have found throughout my life wherever I've lived, I have always sought out another mother, one of my closest friends is just a few years younger than my own mother, a wonderful woman who has been through so much and come out the other side still smiling and positive , I love her to bits, she lives a few thousand miles away unfortunately. When I got married first I had hopes that I would have that closeness with my mil but sadly it wasn't to be.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Mon 24-Mar-14 20:57:37

That's awesome Weegie, how lovely!

I actually love when my DDs come home with Mother's Day/Easter cards from nursery (is it narcissistic that I like it!) just the thought of them beavering away making it makes me grin and well up a bit.

Do you ever feel like you have a lot of love to give (to a mum) but have been cheated..
I saw Emma Thompson on tv the other day and remember thinking 'I wish she was my mum!' To be fair I don't think she's old enough but hey!

weirdthing Mon 24-Mar-14 21:07:45

Hello! Just signing in - I've got a mother who has hated me for as far back as I can remember. After a straw which broke the camel's back and a second round of psychotherapy, I am now nc with her, my dad and my youngest sister (the golden child) - my brother that I always got on well with has stopped speaking to me now and I don't even know why but obviously it has to do with the others.

Anyway, mother's day for me is celebrating the fact that I have (so far) managed NOT to fuck up my relationship with my own two dcs despite having no role model for a mum.

Some mothers are utter bastards. That just the way the cookie crumbles but I am a survivor of abuse and I will live well despite all her (and my dad's) best efforts to destroy me. Love to you all. xxx

madcatlady444 Mon 24-Mar-14 21:41:02

So I'm not the only person looking for a Mother's Day card without love, or to the best mummy ever etc on it
Amongst many many awful things she completely abandoned me for 6 months as I went through a completely horrendous bout of clinical depression.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 21:43:01

Thanks for starting this thread, Bish.

That sounds lovely, weegie xxx

RockinD "She is 94 now and lives alone in a sheltered flat. She has no friends and no other family". Says it all. My heart goes out to you xxx.

Shaky1500 "but to the outside world, my "mother" is an absolute SAINT". Mine's different in the way that nobody likes her xxx

My mum called me last night, to tell me her and DF are going away tomorrow for 2 weeks. And she knows I work a long day on Mondays, so wouldn't have time to buy her anything for Mother's day that fast. Wednesday is my day off which is the only time I could get anything for her, or visit to drop anything off. So she is getting nothing.

Aren't I a bad daughter....and that's what she'll be telling everybody who will listen. Which will only be my Dad, her enabler.

Well, that's fine, because I will not be sending her a HMD text on the day, because she didn't give me time to buy anything for her.

She has lost her other 2 daughters through being a bad mother, and I feel its not going to be long before she loses me too.

And I don't think she'll care.....

Chickens123 Mon 24-Mar-14 21:49:59

I had a dreadful relationship with my mother. She never knew I had a daughter and I didn't see her for the 4 years before she died. I never went to her funeral and have never visited her grave. I worry that my daughter will have the same relationship with me!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 21:56:04

I focus on my kids too. They are trying to show love to me so I try to enhance the effect and spend time with them to let them feel that they did it (!). Rather than being a matriarch on high waiting to receive appreciation, iykwim.

My mother died when I was 18. There was no connection, as she was a bipolar alcoholic, so the holiday (in May here also) does not stir my emotions as normal folks might expect. I do get the sadness for wanting such a connection though. I think the lack has had a continuing effect in that I find it hard to connect with people/make friends etc. The one older lady that was interested in "friendship" with me turned out to be a right toxic cow. How ironic.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 21:58:00

Chickens123 "I worry that my daughter will have the same relationship with me!"

The very fact that you worry means that you care enough to make sure she won't have the same relationship with you xxx

EustaciaVye Mon 24-Mar-14 22:00:11

I cut contact years ago (left before I was 5), and then when I had children foolishly let her get back in touch. She sends them birthday and christmas cards/presents in the post. She has never met them and we have no other contact.

I want to tell her to get stuffed but feel like I should be the better person and let my kids make their own mind up. dd1 often decides she doesnt like the present so we give it to the charity shop (she has a lot of empathy for how i feel). dd2 doesnt get my resentment though and is always excited.

I dont know how to cut contact finally, as that would involve communicating with her and I dont want to do that...

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:00:35

Andthebandplayedon: "I think the lack has had a continuing effect in that I find it hard to connect with people/make friends etc".

Same here...:/

My God, I hate her.

EustaciaVye Mon 24-Mar-14 22:02:30

Should point out left before I was five, but contact cut at about 20. Then reinstated about 28ish.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:06:38

..love to all on this thread xxxx

I didn't have children because I was scared that I'd be like her, not being able to spot if I was toxic until it was too late. I envy people with normal mothers.

Does anybody have any answers as to why they are like that?

Mine is like that because she is damaged due to childhood abuse. That doesn't excuse it though.

I was abused, but I don't treat my DH how she treated my dad. I have never sworn at or thrown things at him. People have choices, and abusive people are that way because they choose to be, and choose not to address their problems.

If/when I have children, her contact with them will be minimal.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:25

Stands with afriendcalledfive (holding hands might be too , awkward, if you will forgive me wink )

And KJ, I literally cried myself to sleep when I got married, thanking the higher power for a second chance for a mother (mil). I had visions of being welcomed into the fold and finally fitting in and belonging. Didn't know that higher power was such a jokester...what a disaster. More irony in my life.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:28:53

Mine wasn't abused as such, but was the youngest in a large Irish family (mainly females) and was expected to look after their Mum when the elder ones left home. Her Dad died very young.

I get that it might be she feels she should be looked after, like she had to look after her Mum, but to take it out on your own children....

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:36:01

Andtheband: you can stand next to me anytime no problem smile

Dirtypaws Mon 24-Mar-14 22:56:36

flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 23:12:30

afriend grin

It is tough. My dsis was a nurse in a care home and the only day she insisted on having off was Mother's Day. The family dynamics brought for the day were unbearable.

thanks for all. I hope that it can be just another day on the calendar, instead of being a calendar day that is bound to emotional obligations, iyswim.

Smokinmirrors Mon 24-Mar-14 23:33:24

My mother is a bitch. She divides and rules and has raised five dysfunctional children. She's by turns posh and then a common fish-wife.

She has mentally and emotionally abused me my whole life. She is a nasty wicked person. She says she had a shit childhood and she probably did. Well, they (her and my father) gave me a shit childhood as a result. I was totally enmeshed with her and had an abortion aged 30 because she told me to.

She still hisses and swears at me (fishwife persona) when I sometimes cry about how the whole experience ruuined me but she had two abortions herself and says 'they never meant a thing. Get over it'

She is wicked. She has had all the time in the world to recognise and do something about her vicious tongue and her screwed up life but she likes being a matriarch with an acid tongue and a bitchy heart.

She covers it up by pretending to be saintly. She has no friends.

She's personality disordered without a doubt but she is also intelligent and like me, could have sought help. I have sought endless help.

But she doesn't want to.

She LIKES being an utter bitch.
I hope she dies first, and soon. Because my father has always said, since we were young, that when his beloved dies he will gas himself.

Bring it on

Smokinmirrors Mon 24-Mar-14 23:35:22

For what it's worth, for all of you struggling with guilt out there about these types of women - who haven't been mothers in the proper sense, they hacve just produced babies for whatever their agenda was at the time - do NOT feel guilty.

Own the word 'bitch' and use it.

MummyBeerest Mon 24-Mar-14 23:51:03

...some people in this world are just evil. I am so sorry to read these. sad

Makes me feel a bit guilty actually. My mother may not like me, but she loves my sister. Maybe I'm missing something here?

For her birthday she posted a bunch of pictures with her and her babies-my sister and myDD.

Oh, and her dog.

Compared to some of these, it seems petty.

Smokinmirrors Tue 25-Mar-14 00:20:01

See? What a bitch. Have you told her not to post pictures of your child on the web without your express opinion?

Your sister is the golden child.

Your daughter is your own - do not allow your horrible mother to have a nano second of ownership of her.

Millyblods Tue 25-Mar-14 01:09:27

I went no contact with mine for twenty years . They didn't even try. They moved to another country. I'm an only child with no other relatives that I know. There was a moment when I really really needed them as my world was falling apart but I didn't know where they were. A year ago they turned up in this country looking for me. I didn't want to see them. Then the illness card was played and I caved in. It was very emotional seeing them after twenty years, they were old. They met my children. I put all the past to one side to make the three days with them special as I never knew if I would ever see them again once they went back to their country. Since then contact has been the monthly phone call which I find hard. I feel I have let myself down by not telling them how I have felt without parents or family all those years but I can't. They have mellowed some. I have decided to not send her a card because I just feel angry when I look at cards. I am a brilliant mum though and have brought up two amazing loving kids who ate now in their 20s and they know what it is to have a mum who loves them without question and is always there for them.
Sorry, I have gone on to much. We might be grown ups but the child in us still wonders why are parents didn't love us.

MummyBeerest Tue 25-Mar-14 07:01:42

I have, yes. That caused the blowout of the century.

Her logic-I'm her daughter and she made me, therefore this baby girl is hers. She said this with a straight face like she was explaining the weather.

Her narcissism is terrifying.

Milly, exactly. I feel like the child in me deserves an apology for years of mistreatment.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 25-Mar-14 07:53:37

This Mother's Day will be hard. My Mother is in a CH with Dementia. She has no friends and no family she sees, other than meas she's fallen out with them. I have a Brother who lives in another continent and hasn't been back for 5 years. He speaks to her and is always about to come over but never made it.

I've always found her difficult but things became more so when I had children. Last year things came to a Head after he diagnosis and she decided I was evil, plotting against her and didn't want me involved in her care. Sadly my Brother believed her as wasn't here to see the true picture and the Care Home heard her in action on the phones. Friends the stepped up and said they considered her to have a toxic effect on my life.

Obviously the Dementia plays a big part but I think it has just broken down her carefully manufactured Web of lies she constructed around her. I have been talking to my Dad and my Aunt, who I was told terrible things about, which I believed. She really damaged my relationship with my Dad bu thank goodness I have seen the light and it's more open, honest and a supporting relationship.

Clearng her house fell to me and I found evidence of her deceit eg. Money she hid from my Dad and illegally didn't declare on their legal separation form. Letters from my Aunt etc. I went through a stage where everything I believed as the truth was in question. It was horrendous so I have had some counselling. My relationship with my Brother is healing as we have a pact that we will tell each other what she says to us and she can no longer play each other off against each other.

The thing I find hard is I want to confront her about all this and tell her I know . But her brain is shrinking, she's unwell, though fairly with it most of the time. I had a go about one little but I didn't rely help so I'm leaving it. I hate going to see her but do, then put up a shield the rest of the time trying to forget her. I have agreed to take her out on Mothers Day for cake and am dreading it. I'll, do it though, she may not know who anyone is next year or the year after so this will probably be the last time. Sorry, that is longer than intended.

bishbashboosh Tue 25-Mar-14 09:21:04

I'm so sad to hear everyone's stories about their Mothers!

I always dreaded having a daughter and was u prepared for how much I would bind with a daughter, my mother always favoured boys, telling me time and time again how horrible girls were!

I Also fixate on mother figures. Teachers, u used to imagine they were my mum, I still do

CoilRegret Tue 25-Mar-14 10:43:43

I adore my daughter, but having a girl was very hard. She is such a little girl, sparkly, dance-y, shiny and adorable. I'm sure once I was like that too.

I know I will never 'mother' as she did. I am better than that.

My last correspondence with her was a card I sent for her most recent wedding. I wished her new husband all the luck in the world, enclosed a £50 as she valued money above all else. Bet she treasures that card wink

Therewere5inthebed Tue 25-Mar-14 14:20:27

After seven years of NC my witch of a Mother rang on Sunday, caught me totally unawares. Last contact I had with her was when I called to tell her that I was pregnant, her only response was "perhaps now you'll realise how hard it is to be a Mother".. After which I politely excused myself then hung up. I now have a gorgeous step-daughter and daughter of my own and try soo hard not to be like her.

I actually took control on Sunday, called her back when my girls were in bed and told her that she's not good for me and that I don't want a relationship with her. I also said that when I think of her, which I do, often I consider if I should contact her but luckily for me as I've got older self preservation kicks in and I don't. This may change at some time in the future but I can't see it if I'm totally honest with myself.

I feel tremendous guilt at upsetting her, but know I've done the right thing for me and my family. I couldn't bear her to speak to or treat them the way she has done to me, her words will never ever be forgotten.

I hear through my brother that she's just the same, if not worse than she used to be and says horrible things to him, my SIL and children on the rare occasions they duty visit.

I wonder if I'll ever feel normal about being NC with the person that should love me unconditionally.

ScabbyHorse Tue 25-Mar-14 16:49:23

I am currently not talking to mine. I'm having therapy and am realising how very angry I am at what she put me through, especially as a child. She injured me (fractured bones) as a baby, and has hit me etc but it was the emotional manipulation and psychological stuff that was worse. I still feel bad for not looking after her, it was a revelation to learn recently that that isn't my job. Brain-washed.

CoilRegret a lot of my best friends over the years have been people whose mothers died or left when they were children. I think I feel like she also left me in a sense because, even though she was a single mum looking after me, it felt like she wasn't there, or something important was missing. She would deny all this, blame my dad and her family.

I am glad I have a son. Talking to my brother, who remembers, and my therapist, who believes, is what keeps me sane. Others don't understand.

afriendcalledfive Wed 26-Mar-14 18:42:40

Scabbyhorse "I think I feel like she also left me in a sense because, even though she was a single mum looking after me, it felt like she wasn't there, or something important was missing"

Felt that, too.

Hugs and hand holding to all. Thanks again, Bish, for starting this thread, and hugs to you too xxx

afriendcalledfive Wed 26-Mar-14 18:44:12

Sorry Bish, meant to say you are included in the 'all' bit. Didn't mean to separate you then from everybody else xxxx

guggenheim Wed 26-Mar-14 19:26:09

I've always found mother's day very hard and hope you don't take this the wrong way,but it's 'great' to find people who have been through the same experience.

I have a very uneasy,kind of relationship with my mum now. It only just hangs together as long as we don't speak too often (once every few months is ok)

Having said that, I went through lots of councelling to get here and I think she may have undergone some therapy recently herself or spoken to the medieval magic fairies who inhabit her world and the local waitrose

The only way I can make it all make sense to me is to remind myself that she is mentally unbalanced or has a disorder and she literally cannot help her responses,in the same way that a small child can't.

It still hurts that no one really gets it and feels great sympathy for her when I mumble about some of the things that happened to me. I tend to edit it to make it acceptable to people with normal families,they really DON'T get it.grin

I'm nc with my abusive 'father' too and that's good. All of these things have kept me sane.

bishbashboosh Thu 27-Mar-14 15:00:14

It feels pathetic feeling so sad on Mother's Day, I spent last year in bed crying, my poor DH and kids didn't know what to do with me. Funnily enough my DH lost his mum as a child, I'd never really thought of it that way.

I'm glad I am reading your stories as I think it's me and my fault. And feel guilty for not contacting her, I made an effort for many years and it always ended badly. She told me I had to get over her abandoning me as a child, and how much I was making f her suffer. I type this with my sick daughter on my lap, when you think you would go to the end of the earth for your child, it's even more tough knowing your own mother has never tried.

guggenheim Thu 27-Mar-14 16:08:54

Gulp...thought I had killed the thread! Big hug for you- not your fault, never was,never will be. Detaching from these relationships is all we can do to preserve our sanity.

I think I'm going to spend some time on mother's day thinking about motherhood in general and about my wonderful ds rather than my insane mum.

With enough time therapy I'm ok with being very detached. No need to have lots of contact,look after yourself and your lovely dd now instead.

Really these people (including dads here) are very sad and have lost such wonderful relationships which they could have had under different circumstances. I'm just glad that I don't suffer from the same disorder my mother has.

noddyholder Thu 27-Mar-14 16:12:34

My mother is like all of yours.

noddyholder Thu 27-Mar-14 16:16:28

My mother mistreated all of us as children and it was hell. I got ill at 18 and she donated a kidney to me and afterwards said I don't ever want to talk about this I don't do emotional. hmm. I made endless effort with her and stayed quite close to her for years as felt I 'owed' her and all around me people were deserting her and asking me to talk to her about her treatment of others. I never did until a few years ago she said something really nasty about my siblings and I just said I'd rather she didn't talk like that about them to me. That was 2 plus years ago and she cut me out of her life there and then.I find it hard at special occasions as people always ask if I have seen her. I know I won't see her as she cuts everyone out who disagrees with her. I have 3 sibling and one is from her new dh she says he is from better father and so prioritises him. Beyond evil

Lesleythegiraffe Thu 27-Mar-14 16:19:48

My sister and I really struggle to get suitable cards for Mothers Day. So many of them speak about wonderful mums who do so much for their children and are loved so much.

I have finally found one (5 card shops later) that says Happy Mothers Day on the front and is blank inside, where I shall just write From Lesley - no love from or kisses as I just can't be a hypcrite.

Fishandjam Thu 27-Mar-14 16:29:25

wynken, bug hugs. As you know, my mother is in a care home with dementia too. I won't be visiting on Sunday, mainly for practical reasons but also because I don't want to. She was by no means as awful as some mothers described on here but she was still a cold, emotionally manipulative woman who messed me up quite considerably. I'm just annoyed that now I'm at a place in my life where I have the cojones to challenge her on it, she's too gaga to respond.

Fishandjam Thu 27-Mar-14 16:30:23

Bug hugs? No, big hugs! No insects with piercing and sucking mouthparts involved grin

Meerka Thu 27-Mar-14 18:48:12

heart-piercing and life-sucking describes some mothers quite well dry half-smile

struggling100 Thu 27-Mar-14 19:27:16

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my Mum. She was extremely difficult when I was growing up - violent, unreasonable, and emotionally cruel. But she had anaemia and depression at the time, and she clearly has other mental illness too (undiagnosed, she'd never ask for help as this would be to admit that she could make a mistake, which is not her strong suit). One of the things I find difficult is that I sometimes get angry and upset at the things that she did, but at the same time I also love her very much and know that she wasn't really fully in control of her behaviour.

As an adult, she has distanced herself from me and been incredibly unsupportive. What makes it worse is that she couldn't do more for my sister, who still lives at home at 33 and who constantly briefs against me as a means of ensuring that I'm excluded. The worst thing is, my sister has rewritten history, and in her version the violence in the household when we were growing up was all my fault and I was a horrible, disruptive influence instead of being the young teenage victim of an incredibly controlling mother. I can understand how it might appear that way to a younger sibling who didn't necessarily see the worst of my mother's behaviour - there was a special intensity of fury and fists that was very much reserved for me - but it's also a very convenient fiction for them to cast me in the role of the 'scapegoat'. If you asked them what they thought of me, they'd say I was utterly selfish and incapable of love.

So I feel like I've lost my whole family. I can't rely on them for love or support - when I got meningitis in my first term at university, they didn't visit. When I got divorced much later, they let me sleep in my car rather than offering my a place to stay. I live a few hundred miles away now, but ring them every week, I send gifts, and I try to be a good daughter. But it hurts a whole lot at times.

hickorychicken Thu 27-Mar-14 19:36:32

I went NC with mine 3 years ago, she hasn't met my 4 month old doesnt know my 4 year old and never will. She was useless, llet things happen to me that shouldnt happen to a child, chose drugs and men over me and was generally a twunt. Even as an adult she would continuously let me down so enough was enough... yet even today i wondered what she was doing, i was always the parent of this dynamic.

Cleorapter Thu 27-Mar-14 21:28:00

My mother acts like a saint outwardly, and she does things that people would think 'oh that's really nice!' But everything that comes out of her mouth is twisted and vile. She's utterly disgusting about my father, who is her biggest enabler, and she is utterly disgusting about everyone apart from my youngest brother (the golden child) and the dog.

I grew up being the victim of violence, psychological and emotional abuse and most damaging, the feeling I was never loved or wanted.

I hate her. She was controlling way into my adulthood, and when I had my daughter at a young age she controlled her too, took her away from me and treated her like I wish she had treated me. She adores my eldest.

I feel the grief of not having a decent mother every day. It hurts.

Lesleythegiraffe Thu 27-Mar-14 21:36:34

Cleorapter

My mother acts like a saint outwardly, and she does things that people would think 'oh that's really nice!' But everything that comes out of her mouth is twisted and vile

Those words could have been used by me to describe my mother - I can never refer to her as "mum" because that sounds too nice.

My mother has been told that things she has said/done have upset me, but she has made no attempt to rectify this. It is so hurtful and is why she's getting something I won in a raffle as a present - in fact she's bloody lucky she's getting anything at all

Cleorapter Thu 27-Mar-14 22:12:59

Lesley, my mother would never apologise for anything she's ever done.

Actually she has apologised but only during one of her 'I'm a victim' moments where she cries and says things like 'I must be such a horrible person, I'm sorry for everything I've done, I may as well go and kill myself' it's all manipulation though. You have to live it to know what I mean. She can turn tears off and on like a tap.

She also lies, a lot. Makes up things that never happened (for example, she told my brother I told her to go kill herself, I never said such a thing and never would) and she will tell more and more lies to back up her lies. It's disturbing how she seems to believe it though.

She has no real life friends. And has fallen out with anyone she cannot control. Which is me now. I've had NC for three weeks and she won't be getting anything from me on Sunday. I despise her.

Darkesteyes Thu 27-Mar-14 22:42:00

my mum is happy as long as she gets things all her own way. She cares not a jot that there is no affection or sex in my marriage and attempted to bully me into staying with DH when she found out about my affair back in 2003. (ive stayed but not cos she bullied me into it.) she cares more about how it looks to outsiders.
When i was a child i was an avid reader. still am But shes never seen the point and thinks that women should worry about how they look first and foremost. Looks are more inportant than anything else. When i was eleven i became short sighted and needed glasses She told me NOT to wear them because they made me look horrible.
When i was 14 i was being badly bullied at high school to the point that i was considering suicide. I had the whisky out of the cabinet and pills in my hand DB (golden child) panicked and phoned my mum at work She came home and shouted at me for interrupting her working day. She HATES women REALLY hates them Ive heard her slagging off female celebrities/actresses/ especially if they are over a size 12 /been married before/ ruined for all other men etc. She told me i was ruined for all other men when i lost my virginity at 18. Couldnt/cant talk to her about ANYTHING without her shouting the odds and desperately finding a way to blame whatever the problem was on me. Whenever i had a falling out with a friend at school it had to be my fault.
My dad enables to an extent A lad who was bullying me at school threw a can of Coke down a new skirt i was wearing one Sat in town and my dad insisted i must have done something to provoke him. Yep Everying was/is my fault because i happen to posses a vagina. Some of this is down to religion (Her interpretation of Catholicism) and culture Some of it is downright mysogyny.

Darkesteyes Thu 27-Mar-14 22:44:11

I hate her. She was controlling way into my adulthood, and when I had my daughter at a young age she controlled her too, took her away from me and treated her like I wish she had treated me. She adores my eldest.

My mum is too Its one of the reasons i havent had kids. She would have used the fact of me being a mum to control me even more e. g. "mothers dont do such and such etc ad infinitum

Darkesteyes Thu 27-Mar-14 22:54:16

Cleo i live it I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My mum turns on the tears when i stand up for myself. She gaslighted me when she found out about my affair. My DH hadnt touched me for 7 years at that point and didnt want to go to counselling. She tried to say he didnt want to touch me because i had an affair. Well unless he had a fucking Tardis and used it to warp the timeline......er no i dont think so

Cleorapter Fri 28-Mar-14 01:28:14

Ugh. Why are there so any toxic mothers. I couldn't imagine treating my precious children the way they treat us sad

Darkesteyes Fri 28-Mar-14 14:11:47

Cleo thanks

Darkesteyes Fri 28-Mar-14 14:12:42

And thanks to all on this thread who are going through it.

ScabbyHorse Fri 28-Mar-14 16:17:27

struggling100 this is also similar to how I feel

'One of the things I find difficult is that I sometimes get angry and upset at the things that she did, but at the same time I also love her very much and know that she wasn't really fully in control of her behaviour'.

thanks to everyone on this thread. Might buy myself some flowers tomorrow lol.

struggling100 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:22:56

Scabbyhorse- I am glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a freak for not wanting to go NC, or if I'm just suffering from some kind of guilt complex, or if I'm a pushover...

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Fri 28-Mar-14 16:44:52

On the card thing - the last mother's day before I went NC I looked at the cards and just gave up. I'd always bought plain or simple 'happy mother's day' cards before but this time I bought her a card that said 'Lovely Mum' or similar, because I knew that was what she wanted to believe, and it would make her happy. It was the first time I realised that I plain hated her, and chose to be a hypocrite rather than do anything about it.

I'm NC now and although it makes mother's day a bit difficult and introspection-y, it's so much easier than it was. I'm spending the day celebrating my lovely MiL instead.

noddyholder Fri 28-Mar-14 16:55:07

I realised that even though I saw my mother I really was NC because when I did see her it was meaningless and pointless just full of criticism and misery. I got nothing from the times we did meet and had to practically beg her to see me and my siblings so it is much better now if a little strange

Lesleythegiraffe Fri 28-Mar-14 17:38:36

The one good thing about having an awful mother is that it's made me a good one.

I have thought of everything she ever did and done the complete opposite to my kids.

CoilRegret Fri 28-Mar-14 18:04:33

Bish, Mother's Day is for you, not her. You are the mum that deserves to be treated like the queen for the day.

I went NC with mine a long time ago. We've had sporadic contact over issues we had to discuss, but nothing personal. I'm not interested. She's never met my DH or any of my children, (oldest is 11) & if I have my way never will.

This Sunday I'm sending my DH and eldest off to see his mum, who is not well, and I'm taking the younger two off for a nice day with me. We will all be together for dinner.

I don't see it as a day to wallow in the why me-s. It's MY day, & I'm bloody well going to enjoy it. Animals park, cream tea and shopping. grin

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 28-Mar-14 18:39:03

I am in early NC stages with my mother and two sisters really as they come as a sort of complete parcel. Youngest (Golden Girl) does the bullying, excluding, nastiness, second sister keeps the head down and hopes none of the shit falls her way and my mother sits in the background just pulling strings.
I am in therapy but finding it all dominated by M and her more than eccentric behaviours. The added problem is my father died young (34) and effectively let us in the company of a total fucking loon who hated us. But, she was a saint. She worked hard....it is always over looked that I worked fromt he age of 12, though that doesn't fit into the over all picture. Verbal, mental, physical and emotional abuse that continues though in the hands of my younger sister.
It is so difficult to learn late in life that you are not an object of disgust, shame, amusement, foulness that you were led to believe. These thoughts and feelings are not easily disposed of, but at the age of 46, I am trying.
I have nominated Christine L;Garde (IMF LADY) as my new mum. Don't know why, just have. Strong, positive and not afraid of succeeding and of life in general. Those were the things my mother gave to me; fear of succeeding and fear of life. FUCK MOTHERS DAY

wispa31 Fri 28-Mar-14 21:53:13

Was shopping for a card myself y,day for mum. Couldnt bring myself to buy one with 'special' or 'best mum' or whatever else on it, i just dont feel that way about her. Id hate for my ds and any other dc i may have to feel that way about me and so il be making damn sure they know they are loved no natter what, not being mean about thrm wetting the bed like my mum did

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 11:42:58

Happy Mother's Day, to all Mums who love and look after their children smile

Aventurine Sun 30-Mar-14 11:50:29

I don't feel anything for my mother. Nothing at all. I did all my crying when I was a kid. She would like to have a good relationship now, but doesn't understand good mother daughter relationships are built in childhood when she was physically and emotionally abusive. It's too late now.

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 11:52:08

Well, I'm definitely not texting my Mum to wish her HMD, as she'll be expecting one (as per my post a few days ago).

I always find that I'm constantly on high alert for the smallest criticism from Mums aimed at their children. I do it with MIL, and I call her on it if not happy with what she says to dh.

She's not a narc as such, but tries it on sometimes.

Does anybody else do this?

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 12:01:40

Aventurine- thanks thanks

I remember crying a lot when I was little. Only when I did, she'd make me feel guilty for crying, shouting at me to stop, or else she'd put me in a home. So I stopped crying straightaway in case she carried out her threat.

I find if I'm upset and somebody tries to comfort me, I stop crying. Out of habit. Like a 'stop' button created from all those years ago.

And I push people away when upset too, though I'm working on that.

I agree the mother/daughter relationship starts in childhood ..

Kaekae Sun 30-Mar-14 12:11:01

I don't have the best relationship with my mother, but I have my own children now and I just focus all my energy on being the best mother I can for them. I want to have a relationship with my children when they are adults so I feel my mother is now the one missing out not me.

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 12:24:01

Kaekae thanks thanks

I've just been on FB where so many of my friends have paid tribute to their Mums.

I'm genuinely happy for people who have their Mother's love, never begrudge them, so I posted a status in favour of all Mums who have looked after, loved and cherished their children, bringing them up to be happy adults. Hope it doesn't sound naff hmm

Lesleythegiraffe Sun 30-Mar-14 12:47:04

Well said Kaekae - exactly how I feel.

Darkesteyes Sun 30-Mar-14 17:16:45

Happy Mothers Day to all this thread Hope you are all having a good one. thanks

Aventurine Sun 30-Mar-14 18:18:45

Thanks afriend

That's a good status you put on facebook. It doesn't sound naff.

thanks For you.

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:23:02

As I said on a similar thread on here - I was thinking of all the ladies who went NC with their mother (or are trying to!). It must be hard every mothers' day but even harder when you were growing up and 'had to' get the card and the flowers etc.

I wish you all well, especially those of you with children who are determined to break the cycle of abuse. Happy Mothers' Day, you deserve it!!!! thanks (hope the flowers sign comes up -never did this before!)

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:23:22

OOh it did! Good-o!

lolaisafuckertoo Mon 31-Mar-14 18:51:10

Youngest DD, out of the blue, wanted to ring Granny. They were doing stuff in school for Mms day,I got a lovely card, but bless her little heart, she didn't want Granny to lose out.
It has been a rotten weekend, missing my dauther in England. feeling shit from top to toe. It isn't about just Mother's day, its about being a mother and all the people who seem to think they know better or best for us.

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