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Went NC with friend, now she is asking to meet up?

(51 Posts)
Mrswellyboot Mon 24-Mar-14 15:59:51

Advice please

One of my longest known friends and I met regularly but I didn't really enjoy meeting up with her. However, she has her good points. Bad points are moaning (excessively) I don't mind a little, ringing constantly to meet up (like on a Sunday morning to meet later in the day- Sunday is my muk day at home), old fashioned chat (very nosey and then mixes up what I have said and repeats it back constantly 'you said this the last time'

I get a bit embarrassed around her asking me if I've ever had thrush in front of her husband, telling mine I used to be obsessed with weight watchers ( we had only started dating)

Anyway I could put up with all these things.

When I have birth I wanted a few days to myself, bleeding nipples, emcs recovery. She rang while still in hospital and dh asked her to postpone coming in. She then rang my mother saying my dh wasn't letting me have visitors (my mum basks in scandal and gossip too).

She sent wierd texts how 'we are all sore', then tried calling to the house with dh and two kids, I said no problem. She said between 8 & 9 pm. I asked her could they come during the day at the weekend that I was cluster feeding. New baby, just home and she started shouting. Then contacting my mother, ringing her and talking about what was wrong with me.

I feel so guilty but I asked her to leave me have my space. I haven't returned calls. She knows I thought she was nasty and started crying and crying.

Couple on months have passed. She rang and text today to meet up again.

What do I do ? Ps. I don't have that many friends but am I better with none or do I make up with aghhh

Nomama Mon 24-Mar-14 16:09:51

Ignore her. And tell your mum that she had better not even dare to answer any questions.

Then come back here, cos you know your mum will and friend will keep trying and you really don't need this crap and if you could just tell her to F off and your mum would stop loving a bit of a drama...

But really, just ignore. That sounds like far too much hard work!

cozietoesie Mon 24-Mar-14 16:22:40

You're better off without her. Ignore.

Mrswellyboot Mon 24-Mar-14 16:31:36

Thank You, I think I will have to ignore but I hate all this, if she wa a bit nicer it wouldn't have got to this.

MrsKermittSmith Mon 24-Mar-14 16:35:43

She will try to justify her behavior by saying she was worried about you etc. Before you know it she will have you believing it!

If ignoring doesnt work you could try having two or three stock phrases you dish out.

"I'm too busy" etc

chattychattyboomba Mon 24-Mar-14 16:36:07

Tell her you don't really feel like meeting up with her given how she has treated you, which caused you a lot of unnecessary anxiety when she should have been supporting you by respecting what you needed at that time, and don't really know what to expect since she hasn't said sorry or anything. She might say 'well I am sorry' and you can clear the air, or she might flip out again... In which case, no love lost.

Mrswellyboot Mon 24-Mar-14 16:40:40

Kermitt you are spot on. She tried to make out I was Ill the time I met her, this is while she was crying. I was very lucky that I wasn't ill and I was grateful for that.

I am going to have to bump into her at some stage and she works in a similar field to me and I might meet her now and then (but not one to one) so I think I might use your phrase chatty than she caused a nusiance when I didn't need it.

I know if I meet her she will start crying, telling me I'm like a sister. Then five mins later some stupid comment like 'oh secondary infertility so on th rise etc etc'

cozietoesie Mon 24-Mar-14 16:44:51

i think you've got it. She'll be nice - penitent even - for five minutes and then she'll likely revert to type and start baiting you again. Did she have other friends when you were buddies or were you her only/main target?

Mrswellyboot Mon 24-Mar-14 18:09:26

She speaks her mind to everyone. I know the in laws live next door and she doesn't speak to them. She said they mock her (I don't agree with that and was always nice to her)

You see, she doesn't think before she speaks and is very outspoken anyway. Like out of a time warp - stuff you could imagine your great grandmother would say about sex, diversity and the like. It is cringeworthy but that's not why I am avoiding her. It's the bosy behaviour and lack of thinking.

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 22:46:27

She's a bully. Keep away. She's not changed.

lunar1 Mon 24-Mar-14 22:54:42

Don't reply!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 23:24:03

She has used you up; let her use someone else now same for your mother.

MexicanSpringtime Tue 25-Mar-14 01:24:58

Yeap, we all have our defects, that is what makes us human, but she sounds like she has too many and too serious defects. If you don't have lots of friends all the more reason not to waste good time on her, when you could be meeting new people who will be a positive contribution to your life

Hissy Tue 25-Mar-14 06:54:29

At the risk of offending poor innocent breakfast cereal, she's a fecking fruit loop!

She harangued you, and your family to get her own way when you were a brand new parent. She feeds your DM a shed load full of drama, which is really unnecessary and refuses to respect any common, decent social norm in the pursuit of satisfying her own ego.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

Don't return the calls, ignore the texts and don't engage.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 09:18:12

Thank You all for taking the time to reply. You made me laugh hissy.I feel a lot better for having not responded. I can't go back to her early Sunday morning texts to meet and non stop ringing.

That's it exactly- getting my mother involved to get her own way! She even had my father asking me to meet up. They think she's a lovely girl. However her mouth is a danger zone. When I broke up with long term ex, she rang him (got his number from a local paper- he was a sales man) and didn't tell me for ages. She reckons my father could be having an affair because he works away. That my brother failed Uni (he didn't - she keeps on about it), I could go on and on. If she meets someone in asda without their children that we know she will ring and say 'Joan (made up name) had neither chick nor child with her, what a disgrace

Sorry for big rant!

She's not all bad though - gifts etc wise but then she doesn't let you forget it

cozietoesie Tue 25-Mar-14 09:25:04

As Hissy said - she's a fruit loop! Stay strong and stay away from her.

Rebeccalikesgin Tue 25-Mar-14 14:33:47

She sounds like a total fruitcake with a real nasty side! If I were you I would ignore her, join some mum and baby groups and get some lovely new friends. No one needs people like that in their lives, what a drain! Oh and tell your mother not to talk about you to her (although sounds like you may have to put up with that for a while until she gets bored!)
Good luck!

Hissy Tue 25-Mar-14 14:39:46

"She's not all bad though"

i beg to differ. Gifts are often the currency of people like this. ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

I think you ought to completely blank her, and if your parents get involved tell them that and that if THEY want her as a friend, they are welcome to her, but YOU do not.

Another one of my favourite sayings:
Shs's Dagenham Mad (that's 3 stops PAST Barking)

Does your dad know what she says about him? Why did your Ex not tell her to FTFO?

Nomama Tue 25-Mar-14 15:53:30

Dagenham Mad! I haven't heard in a donkey's age smile

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 16:24:39

I've keep it really simple and just say that you want a bit of peace and quiet, and that you'd been surprised that she had involved your mother in your JOINT decision to want some privacy at the hospital.

She sounds like she needs to get a life. You'll soon make new/not nutty friends once she is out of the way.

Congratulations on your new arrival by the way! thanks

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 16:24:49

*i'd

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 17:30:28

Oh my god. I got home today and despite ignoring about four calls this week, a text to meet - a note has come through the door today while I was out.

My plan to ignore is not going to work. She is now causing me more annoyance.

My parents would hit the roof if they heard the types of things she says so I haven't told them. She doesn't ring my mother anymore as I told her not to. I can't believe she sent a message through the door today! It's six months since I had my baby and this has all started this past few weeks.

IHaveSeenMyHat Tue 25-Mar-14 17:47:29

Keep ignoring. She sounds poisonous - personality disorder territory.

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 17:54:20

Can't you just tell her (call her, email or text if you'd rather not talk to her) and say you feel you've grown apart or that you need some space?

Don't see how ignoring her will help if she's already intense as a person and doesn't (seem to) realise you don't want to see her?!

Might be a bit more honest and clear.

rollonthesummer Tue 25-Mar-14 17:55:23

Good-let your parents hit the roof. The only way you're free from her is if you and they don't engage with her. She's just going to phone your mum every time you upset her and they'll get involved because they think you're being weird about it.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 18:04:04

Hello Hearditall, I already told her to give me space but I think you are right that I need to be clearer. I think she thinks I have pnd and that's why I haven't called her. That's what she has said to my mother

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 18:05:17

Can't imagine my mum telling any of my friends my business - very odd.

chattychattyboomba Tue 25-Mar-14 18:06:30

What a nutter!

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 18:07:36

Yeah, it sounds so awkward and unnecessary - not the best when you're trying to concentrate on your bambino!

I think a brief but definite line, no kisses or smileys etc. Keep repeating until she buggers off. x

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 18:13:52

"I received your messages and your note. I understand from my mother that you believe I have PND and this is why I have not contacted. I would like to make it quite clear that I have no illness, mental or otherwise, and the reason I have no contacted you is because our friendship is over. Your behaviour and your treatment of me around the time of my babys birth was unforgivable. Do not contact me again, either directly or via anyone else"

Ivehearditallnow Tue 25-Mar-14 18:16:37

Meh - yeah, bit lengthy and unlikely not to attract a response though to be honest. To be fair to the loony - she's bound to want a right to reply if you dish out a speech.

I'd say "I'd rather we didn't spend time together any more, I really want some time and space to spend with my family. Please leave respect this."

It's up to your mum and other people to tell her to go away, if they want to. x

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 18:22:44

Ive she has already been told this and is ignoring it, she needs it made clear that the OP doesnt want any contact at all, and why. She will still kick off but if she gets nasty and the OP has to take further steps (wouldnt be surprised if the harassment gets worse before it stops) she will have evidence that she asked this fruit loop to leave her alone in no uncertain terms.

The OP doesnt have to respond to anything after that.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 18:29:45

My boss landed over to my house recently asking was I alright too. Now, this could be coincidental but said friend would have some contact with my boss

Oh god - who needs this crap

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Mar-14 19:11:31

For the avoidance of doubt: this person is not your friend. She's more like a vampire, really. They suck the life out of you, they hate to let a victim go while they're still warm, and once you let them over the threshold you can't keep them out.

Hissy Tue 25-Mar-14 19:17:17

"Your behaviour and your treatment of me around the time of my babys birth was unforgivable. Do not contact me again, either directly or via anyone else"

the last sentence of what bogey suggested is perfect.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 23:13:21

The fact I will have to work with her professionally in the future is putting me off getting into any type of conflict with her.

I don't want to let myself down. To be honest of a friend drifted away from me (which did happen after I got married) I woud wish them the best and think we are at different life stages.

These calls, text and visit are a joke. I wrote to her and told her that she was not to contact my mother again, that I was fine and needed space. If was really a polite feck off type of letter. I thought that it would do the trick.

Bogeyface Tue 25-Mar-14 23:21:55

I would make a point of raising this issue professionally because you dont want her gossip to affect your career. Speak to your boss (dont bring up what your boss asked about you being ok) and explain that there is an issue there and how does she think you should deal with it. Your boss (if she has half a brain) will make sure that word gets around that you are not the issue.

Mrswellyboot Tue 25-Mar-14 23:28:19

They are aware of her at work but as I'm on ML, they don't know I've gone NC with her.

I have been in my job for fifteen years and haven't had conflict with anyone and my boss has often said I am genuine and easy going. So I am not worried about my boss really. I will just feel awkward meeting ex friend.

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 10:02:31

Glad to hear about the letter - sounds calm and clear (any ranting will just spark more drama), but I agree with Bogey RE work. Someone needs to know that this woman is causing you to feel uncomfortable for when you go back to work x

Mrswellyboot Wed 26-Mar-14 10:05:07

Hi heard it all. I wrote the letter a couple of months ago and this has started again confused

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 10:11:51

Hmm. Still think a short line 'Please back off and give me some peace, and stop telling people I have PND when it's none of your business and isn't true' etc.
Repeat this every time she contacts you. Eventually she will bugger off.

She sounds like she is in love with or obsessed with you! Maybe just v jealous?

Def talk to boss (quick email?) just saying that you've been getting a lot of pressure to see a colleague outside work. Then IF she starts moaning at work that you won't see the boss may chip in and politely tell her to give you some space.

Mrswellyboot Wed 26-Mar-14 10:19:15

Sorry for boring you with all this

I don't trust the work gossip. My pregancy news got out at eight weeks because the boss told my news. Gossip is rife. That's why I am worried about letting work know.

He thing is I don't think she she said pnd to my mother but something like 'wellyboot has changed so much since she got married. I am so so worried about her, I hope there is nothing wrong with her, I don't know what's going on in her mind'

So she didn't specifically say it, but she's trying to say I'm unwell. Ie, blaming me for changing rather than her being the offender.

ThePost Wed 26-Mar-14 10:31:14

Organ Grinders get very upset when the monkey stops dancing to their tune. You're not doing what she wants so she is trying to make you, with no regard for your feelings. Don't engage. Keep a log of all calls, texts and messages in case she really goes bonkers and you need to make things more official.

chrissy74 Wed 26-Mar-14 10:32:47

"Keep ignoring. She sounds poisonous - personality disorder territory."

My thoughts as well

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 11:27:18

It's not boring at all... feel bad for you.

There was someone I used to work with (utter gobshite btw with zero life of her own) who wanted us all to appear at my friend's house after she'd had a baby. We had to explain (in a way you would to a child!) why it was inappropriate... I'd actually been myself (I was invited) so volunteered to take any pressies/cards people had for her...

There are some saddos out there. What does your DH say? I bet it's doing his head in as well! x

MrsKermittSmith Wed 26-Mar-14 12:12:48

This all sounds so awkward! I think you are right to be very cautious. Perhaps another letter saying the same thing, then send repeatedly until she finds a new victim? Hopefully it will all be over by the time you return to work?

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 13:07:08

If this was a DP/DH who wouldn't leave you alone a lot of us would be saying to go to a police station for advice! So I agree with Kermitt - procede with caution and avoid anything that's going to wind her up.

Ivehearditallnow Wed 26-Mar-14 13:07:47

*saying anything that's going to wind her up (ie getting in to all the ins and outs of who's said what to who etc) x

Comeatmefam Wed 26-Mar-14 13:18:25

God what a nightmare.

All I would suggest is keep things open and honest ie don't hide her comments or behaviour from work or your frankly odd parents. Explain succintly and honestly that she is hounding you, has lied about you and gossips about you without foundation - and for various reasons (no need to go into minute detail) you don't want to have a friendship with her.

I'd send one more email or text to her then stop engaging completely. Keep this communication extremely short and to the point: 'I don't want you to contact me again, I don't want to carry on our friendship'. The only reason I'm suggesting this is so you have proof that you have made yourself abundantly clear if she lies about this too - or if you have to go to the police about her eventually (I hope not).

Mrswellyboot Wed 26-Mar-14 17:19:24

I appreciate your advice on all this- it has fried my head. Then I was doubting myself thinking if she cares that much about me, she must be a good friend after all - but I know she will be lovely for two or three visits then the insults and draining behaviour will start

She used to be alright (but different outlook I thought)
This has just proven how overpowering she is. My mother knows now and agrees she hasn't been a friend.

MrsKermittSmith Wed 26-Mar-14 18:00:38

That's good, support from your mother will help.

I would remain as detached as possible in your dealings with her.

Hopefully those at work will see who is dignified and sensible and who is ott and obsessive. Its a shame you don't feel you can talk to your boss about it, how long do you have before you return to work?

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