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Think I'm losing interest in my fiancé

(61 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 07:59:03

Dp and I met when he was going through a host of issues and a crap set of circumstances. As a result, despite me falling head over heels with him, unknowingly to me he was simply pissing me about. Was still on dating sites and sex hook up sites 7 months after we'd agreed to go exclusive and after I had introduced him to my children etc. I was mortified and so cut up about it and I'm all honesty, despite us staying together I don't think I ever really felt the same about him after that.

That's the background anyway, more recently, he proposed to me on valentines day but only because I was getting at him about his lack of commitment. We're supposed to be getting married next year and he has shown very little interest in the wedding plans ( but that's men apparently?) . We argue all the time because we both have different ways about us. I see an issue and like to talk about it or I look forward to an upcoming event and like to talk about it. He doesn't and this has lead to a number of subjects becoming "dodgy ground" meaning if I mention them, I run the risk of a massive argument. Some of these subjects are important, money for example. We can't discuss money as it just ends in a massive shit short. He loses his temper so easily and takes everything I say so personally that it becomes impossible to have a rational discussion with him.

There's other stuff. He has two teenage boys who come every Saturday and they do not talk. In the years I've known dp I've honestly never heard the boys address each other. It's an awkward atmosphere and leaves me feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own house. Before I met dp I used to have every other Saturday night child free - now we never get a weekend child free and not only that but he refuses to go for a night out whilst his kids are here (although is fine with leaving my kids home alone at 13 and 15. This means we never go out on a weekend.

He moans all the time, either about feeling ill, my son's behaviour, housework ... There is always something.

Yesterday I'd been on a 13 hour shift and a bad one at that. I came home and he'd made me a lovely casserole :-) he then proceeds to tell me that his mum has been clearing her garage out ready to move and so all the photos that she had in her small bedroom are now in our garage. This includes all his previous wedding photos. Nice. Remind me never to go in my own garage. Oh and he then starts going on and on about my son's behaviour as he'd been cheeky. Great to come home to after 13 hours of stoma disasters, dying patients and stressed out sniping staff.

I feel like I'm getting less and less interested in him. I get excited at the thought of buying my own little house and doing as I please with it. Having my own money and just being able to chill out. tHis is the first time I've felt like this not on the back of a argument.

plantsitter Mon 24-Mar-14 08:06:02

Read your own post. Pretend you're not you. What would you say to someone who had just got engaged and was fantasising not about their amazing wedding day but getting a little house and being free?

then do that. I know what I would do.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Mar-14 08:08:30

i can't see anything redeeming about this relationship. and you want to sign up a lifetime of this?

divorces are yucky, painful things. you shouldn't be going into a marriage with anything other than a feeling of 100% looking forward to it.

akaWisey Mon 24-Mar-14 08:08:43

my advice is to do what you've said in your last para:

I get excited at the thought of buying my own little house and doing as I please with it. Having my own money and just being able to chill out

It's a no-brainer really. smile

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 24-Mar-14 08:17:28

Seriously op your forcing a square peg through a round hole, you two have nothing in common at all. You seem to have been sleep walking through this relationship and ill say that word loosely, as you have now woken up. Neither of you are interested in the other cut him lose I can't imagine what your dc think of him, he seems to suck the joy out of everything.

breaking2bad Mon 24-Mar-14 08:18:42

Whilst marriage isn't a guarantee of happiness, divorce is extremely stressful and expensive to get out of.

The prospect of marriage and spending your life with this man is meant to be exciting and you clearly are not.

I think you talk to him openly and honestly and then take it from there. I know what it's like to love someone and hope they can change, be fearful of letting them go etc, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for self preservation.

Hassled Mon 24-Mar-14 08:21:29

This is meant to be the good bit, remember - this is you in love's first flush, all happy and blissed out. But you're completely bloody miserable, and no wonder. Get that stress free house for you and your kids - it has to be better.

Joysmum Mon 24-Mar-14 09:19:40

Don't marry him until you are happy your relationship is actually what you want your marriage to be.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 09:29:26

he seems to suck the joy out of everything.

Totally agree. You only have a few years left living with your kids, why not enjoy them - and life - to the fullest extent possible?

It was over when you found him on sex hookup sites months after you were a couple, but I think you've been desperately trying to shore up the relationship through fear of - what? Having made a mistake?

Buy your little house and breathe deeply.

Why are you still together at all given all that has happened?.

This was truly dead in the water months ago but for reasons known only to yourself you have continued. Now thankfully you are finally waking up to the reality of the situation.

I would also suggest you have counselling for your own self once you are rid of this man and never put yourself into such a dreadful position ever again. Your relationship radar needs a total reset before you date again.

This man has been a crap partner to you and would be also completely useless as a stepfather to your own son. Marrying this man would be the biggest error of judgment you've ever made if you were daft enough to do so.

Bin this man now and buy your own little house; you and your son deserve far better in life.

AuroraSim Mon 24-Mar-14 09:40:23

Do it. Buy the house, take your boys and run fast and far! I think this man is taking you for a ride still.

Good luck and find happiness x

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 09:40:43

OMG please get out of this 'relationship' I cannot see a single redeeming feature.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 09:42:15

Well, there's the casserole, Handywoman confused

Oh my.

Run for the hills.

I am not sure why you accepted his proposal of marriage - get that little house and take a deep breath of relief, then hug your boys and live your life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 09:44:09

"he proposed to me on valentines day but only because I was getting at him about his lack of commitment"

That sounds like someone who just says whatever pops into his head in order to stay in the game. The other stuff you describe shrieks 'miserable bastard'. Buy that little house you want and kiss goodbye to the hassle. (Get a dog... at least they're pleased to see you when you come home smile )

deste Mon 24-Mar-14 09:44:29

Put the ring back in the box and next time he is nasty hand it to him and tell him you don't need it anymore. You know what I wouldn't even wait.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 09:45:58

Eh ? Why do you want to marry this tool?

Listen to yourself, for god's sake

lovecocopops Mon 24-Mar-14 09:46:09

I can see why you have lost interest in him. Based on what you say, I definitely think you should be ending it. if you do go through with it, please ensure that you are protected as much as possible legally. I don't think the marriage would last and you don't want to end up paying him to get out of it. I think you should go to a solicitor before you get married to find out what would happen if you did split up (or better still kick him to the kerb).

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 24-Mar-14 09:49:13

Not surprised you've lost interest. As pp said; he sounds like a joy vacuum.

Imagine what being married to him would be like. More of the same - FUN!

Do you really want to hitch your wagon to this wanker? Is he really the best you can do? I doubt it.

scornedwoman67 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:51:03

Don't marry him. You're far too good for him. It's very simple flowers

Helltotheno Mon 24-Mar-14 10:00:41

You have a window to escape this situation pretty much scot-free and with no baggage OP. Imo, you'd be an absolute fool not to take advantage of it.

Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 10:07:30

Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again, we only moved into this house in July last year. I think the straw that broke the camels back was that yesterday I was at work and in the staff room all my colleagues were going on about their dogs, comparing stories and photos etc. dip won't let me have one, won't even discuss it despite saying before we moved here that he'd be happy for me to get one. I know it sounds like a petty issue but I want a dog more than anything and I resent him for not letting me get one and you know what really pisses me off? Now we have photos in the garage of his previous marriage, his ex wife, his happy wedding and their fucking dog.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 10:08:29

Get the dog, dump the bloke

Branleuse Mon 24-Mar-14 10:10:05

dump him

Dahlen Mon 24-Mar-14 10:11:58

I can understanding you feeling as though you don't want to "fail" at another relationship, but the true failure would be failure to put you and your DC's emotional needs higher up the scale than staying in an unhealthy relationship and pretending that all is well. That will be way more damaging to them.

This relationship is over in every way that matters. It's just a case of making it official. Best of luck. flowers

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 10:12:45

What AF said.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 10:13:19

Somehow I don't think your kids are going to be grief-stricken to be moving out of this house.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 10:13:38

If he goes on about your DCs' behaviour, my guess is that they'll be so glad to see the back of him that they'll volunteer to pack! I must have had a crystal ball when I said get a dog earlier smile

Annarose2014 Mon 24-Mar-14 10:16:11

I'll be honest, OP - the dog thing would be a dealbreaker for me. Sounds trivial to others, but I had a dog when I was a kid and missed it desperately when I grew up. But I lived in shitty flats and couldn't have one. I always went on about owning a dog the minute I could.

When we got this house (with a garden) I made it clear that I needed - yes NEEDED - a dog. My DH wasn't crazy about dogs cos his family had never had one. He was ambivalent to say the least. But he said "If thats what you need then fair enough".

I am now typing this with a gently snoring doggie under my elbow. If DH had said no absolutely not after all my years of saying it? It would have been very disillusioning to say the least. Not least cos he's not my bloody Dad to say whether or not I get a dog!

LePamplemousseMousse Mon 24-Mar-14 10:24:10

Buy the little house, do as you please and get a dog! Your kids will be more messed up by trying to 'make it work' with a joyless twat than having to move house. A happy mum who puts herself and her own kids first is the best example they can have. End it and don't look back.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 24-Mar-14 10:25:43

Oh jeesus get rid, get rid.

The other life you could be leading sounds like bliss.

Go for it and get rid of this nasty, miserable, controlling, cheaty, bad-parenting douchebag of a bloke.

Your kids are growing up. Fancy waving them off in a few years and you getting to start the rest if your life with Captain Fuckface, no dog, no freedom, just shit miserable times?


kentishgirl Mon 24-Mar-14 10:40:32

Losing interest? Sounds like you lost interest a long time ago. Neither of you sound happy. Better to break up now than divorce in a couple of years time.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 24-Mar-14 11:01:38

Dump the man and get the dog.

Dog will be more loyal and less whiny.

"Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again"

Well that ship has already sailed and your children also need a decent male role model; that is patently not this person you've shackled yourself to up till now.

And what Dahlen stated here, it bears repeating:-

"I can understanding you feeling as though you don't want to "fail" at another relationship, but the true failure would be failure to put you and your DC's emotional needs higher up the scale than staying in an unhealthy relationship and pretending that all is well. That will be way more damaging to them"

Dump the man, get the dog!.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Mar-14 11:46:01

'I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again'

seriously? and you think continuing a crap relationship isn't messing them about? he's not a good role model for your kids. the sooner he's out of your and your kids' lives the better. they will thank you for it!

GoEasyPudding Mon 24-Mar-14 16:02:57

I see a really positive and exciting time waiting just around the corner for you. It's there - it really is!

You have been visualising your own place in quite some detail - just think happy kids and a nice new doggie. All your own things and no fun hoover of a DP draining you.

Go for it I say, make this break, your kids will be delighted! No bad atmospheres at the weekend and no moaning Minnie to bring you down.

Change is afoot my friend! Best of luck!

plantsitter Mon 24-Mar-14 16:35:57

Yeah, what she ^ said!

wyrdyBird Mon 24-Mar-14 16:56:34

This guy and his wedding photos seems horribly familiar. A lot of this is familiar.

So I don't think you'll listen, but please OP, Do Not Marry This Man.

You're worth better. This isn't the first time I've said this, and I will keep saying it. You're worth better!

SawofftheOW Mon 24-Mar-14 17:13:02

OP, please, please don't do it. Please decide now that you will start looking for that little house to build a haven of peace, happiness and security, with no bullying, entitled fuck-wit anywhere near it. Please do this for you and your children. Who the hell do these men think they are, that they can spread such misery in other peoples' lives. What a waste of your emotion, love and focus he is. From now on concentrate on you, your DC's and that doggie. Go do it - we get one life. Don't squander it on this miserable excuse of a human being.

You don't want to get married.
He doesn't want to get married.
Please don't get married.

Have a hard think about how much more time you want to waste being miserable and walking on eggshells.

Something needs to change in your relationship whether you stay or go. Good luck.

TollgateDebs Mon 24-Mar-14 17:19:59

It is not going to get better, just messier. Dump him sounds great advice to me.

msrisotto Mon 24-Mar-14 17:21:29

run free!

You're not being silly about the dog thing by the way. My only condition for moving in with my now DH was that I would be having a cat. No question.

Your life is yours, don't let someone else tell you what you can and can't do, can and can't have.

Melonbreath Mon 24-Mar-14 18:58:17

Better a failed relationship than a failed marriage.
Better a happy life doing what you want than living in misery, resentment and regrets.

get the dog.

TypicaLibra Mon 24-Mar-14 22:04:54

OP, get rid, as we've been telling you for months - he really is vile. Holidays, sofas, his treatment of your dcs, prioritising his own dcs over yours, his disrespect and sheer contempt of you ... PLEASE find the strength to leave. Get your lovely little house and your dog! Your dcs will thank you.

Hissy Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:57

Sorry love, but Wtf are you doing with this idiot?

And his kids not speaking to one another?

What kind of environment is this for your ds?

Break it all off, get his dm's stuff out of your garage (flaming cheek tbh) and spend some time enjoying the peace and quiet of not having these people in your lives.

onlyjoking Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:59

LTB, get a dog,they will give you less shit than this loser.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Mar-14 22:36:00

Evening all,
just to remind everyone <ahem> that we don't know who people are on the internet and whatnot, and it might be best not to invest too heavily in some.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 23:21:07

eh ? wassup with this one ?

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 11:32:36

Ah, it's Boxy isn't it ?

LiberalLibertine Tue 25-Mar-14 11:42:23

What does that mean hq? Either they are dodgy, and you know they are, or?...I don't get it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 25-Mar-14 12:36:48

Boxy, Jannie, Novice (but not a virgin)...
Hmmm...Perhaps, but the antagonistic angst answering every point style seems to be slipping a bit.
What the heck, here goes:
OP, skip the divorce. To do that, do not get married. No other explanation/justification is needed.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 12:41:08

Why haven't HQ deleted the thread then confused

tribpot Tue 25-Mar-14 13:06:26

Yes, seems odd. I don't think anyone is overly emotionally investing in the thread (e.g. it's not an abuse thread where people could be disclosing stuff they might later regret) so the warning seems odd. It's either legit or it isn't.

Huh? Is this a troll or not?

GiniCooper Tue 25-Mar-14 13:29:15


Joysmum Tue 25-Mar-14 13:35:28

My attitude is, genuine or not, this thread will no doubt be helping numerous other lurkers feeling similarly.

As with any thread, don't share anything you're not happy to, then no harm done whether genuine or not wink

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 13:39:19

That's a given, Joy. HQ don't usually put a notation like that on a thread though unless there have been lots of reports (suggesting a repeated nc'er coming back to post the same thing over and over a la Boxy), a previously banned poster or one who is attracting a lot of emotional, real life and/or financial support. Strange. (shan't lose sleep over it though...)

wyrdyBird Tue 25-Mar-14 16:51:32

Well... if an OP is genuine, but name changes a lot, posters may find they're offering advice/support they've already given, to what they think is a new thread poster, but isn't.

It's a grey area, if so. I think it's fair to offer a gentle reminder. Though def not a sleep losing issue...

TypicaLibra Tue 25-Mar-14 21:49:20

Not sure who Boxy is or was, but this OP posts every few weeks about her twattish DP who lives with her and her teenage DSs and his sons visit most weekends. This is just one of them that I can recall, but there've been lots on lots in a similar vein. Not sure why she name-changes all the time, very bizarre.

LiberalLibertine Wed 26-Mar-14 08:50:01

Maybe so people don't say....what's the point in asking again op? Your dp is a twat, how many ways can we say it?...

Hq note does make more sense in that case.

DangerRabbit Wed 26-Mar-14 09:00:54

Why do you want to marry him?

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