Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found DP on two dating sites

(89 Posts)
bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 14:04:23

Well last weekend we were looking at new beds and discussing moving in together and this weekend I found him on both Speed Dater and Zoosk!

We had a few ups and downs last year, but thought we had resolved things and that we were moving forward, holidays booked etc. I feel shocked and let down. He is 44 and has never settled, so perhaps commitment issues.

That is it really, just wanted to share. I know there are a lot worse stories on here.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 14:17:58

Oh what a shock - how awful. You must feel sick. What you going to do?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 14:22:48

How horrible. How did you discover he was on there ?

Hedgehead Sun 23-Mar-14 14:29:55

Did you check he wasn't on those sites before he met you and hadn't cancelled his membership or something? Or did you see that he was actively on there now?

qazxc Sun 23-Mar-14 14:34:20

I was just going to say what hedgehead said. Are these new accounts/ has been active on them recently?

Poppiesway Sun 23-Mar-14 14:36:32

Can I ask why you were on there?
Were you actually looking for him or someone else?

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 14:39:14

Thanks for your replies. He
has been active on both accounts within the last week. We meet on Speed Dater and this week, I had a strange feeling that something was wrong, and went on and looked. There he was! He denied it and deleted the profile. He then said that he wants no contact with me for a week due to my rudeness! I remembered thinking I had seen a Zoosk icon on his computer a year or so ago and so went on there this morning, wondering what he would be doing for the whole weekend on his own. Again, I found him straight away sad

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 14:41:57

So, you met on a dating site and he is still active on it, plus another one ?

Assuming you have had the "exclusive" talk and that he would have no expectation of you still checking to see if there anything better on there ...

Dump him

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 14:46:07

He was adamant about exclusivity from the offset. I was only looking on there for him. My previous partner of 9 years was constantly unfaithful and reading these boards has made me very aware.

He said a few things recently that made my spidery senses twitch, for example asking me whether a photo of him was a good one, and me thinking "that looks like a dating photo".

You are right I need to dump.

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 23-Mar-14 14:58:32


He was asking you to help him choose a good pic to attract other women and wants no contact because of your rudeness?

You could not make that up!

Sorry you are disappointed in him. I hope you have not invested too much in him.

Good luck in the future!

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 15:03:30

My senses were right, the photo he showed me is the one he is using sad

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 15:07:56

It hurts because I really loved him and was the best girlfriend I could possibly be for him.

Dump him, what a tosser! At least you don't live together so can have a clean break up.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 23-Mar-14 15:10:08

Well, inform him you certainly don't want to take the risk of upsetting him again with your 'rude' assumptions that he might be faithful, so best he doesn't contact you again smile

CrumblyMumbly Sun 23-Mar-14 15:13:26

Show him what rudeness really is...

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 15:13:30

So sorry Op happened to me years ago. He will never change and doesn't deserve you hmm

BecauseIsaidS0 Sun 23-Mar-14 15:14:00

Run. Run like the wind.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 15:20:34

Thanks for your messages (thanks)

BecauseIsaidS0 Sun 23-Mar-14 15:25:22

I'd like to add one point: your being a great girlfriend has nothing to do with his choice to cheat (or intend to cheat) on you. Great people get cheated on, and it is not unknown that the cheater does it with someone else who is, eh, not exactly great. Please do not take even an ounce of responsibility for his behaviour.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 15:28:00

Absoultely....thank The Lord you didn't move in with him. It was someone about same age who did this to me. There was a thread recently about these 40 plus men on dating sites and most of it true IME.

So sorry Op I know it feels vile.

Smokinmirrors Sun 23-Mar-14 15:52:04

Wish we could name, picture, and out these kinds of men. They're the scum. Other women would be saved the heartache and bullshit.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 15:57:42

Thank you all so much for your kind comments, it has really helped.

Agree that it would be great if we had a list of these men who draw us in and tear us apart.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 23-Mar-14 16:02:04

Oh op how gutting for you. I did snort at his outrage at your rudeness though. The brass neck of the man!!

I would love a link to his profile. I'm sure we could have some fun with him <evil>

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 16:05:06

Ha Ha, I'm sure you could! ;)

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 16:05:32

Blimey - he is punishing you for your rudeness. You really could not make it up. He is horrible. Just thank your lucky stars you found out now.

I have been where you are - it ain't your fault. He will do this to the next woman, and the next woman after her. Entitled pillock he is. So sorry you are upset.

qazxc Sun 23-Mar-14 16:26:07

He's a twat. Dump him and thank your lucky stars that you found out before you moved in with him. although I appreciate it might not feel like it now.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 16:31:56

You are such lovely ladies on here - I did not expect so much understanding, it has been great for me today. Am here on my own and have been feeling that my judgement is very poor. Need to work on my self esteem before starting again!

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 16:32:11

It hurts because I really loved him and was the best girlfriend I could possibly be for him.

eh, you might want to rethink that sentiment in future, love. It smacks of trying to be something you are not, and makes not one jot of difference to how someone treats you. In fact, I would go so far as to say "trying to be the best girlfriend" is an invitation to those who would treat you like shit

next time, be who you want to be

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 16:38:41

Yep, I have always tried to keep those around me happy and perhaps it attracts the wrong partners? I have really good relationships with my family and friends.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 16:40:29

Keep yourself happy first and foremost.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 16:47:09

I will try smile

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 16:54:53

You sound so lovely. He wasn't worthy of your care.

Good luck thanks

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 16:57:22

Aww, yeah, here are some thanks from me too smile

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:01:10

Thank you both!! smile smile I have always admired you AF and now you have sent me flowers, thats made my day!

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 17:04:00


have you thought about what you will do if when he comes crawling back and < sarcasm alert > offers you another chance to be with the wonderful person that is Him ? If he apologises and < ahem > forgives you for your rudeness and asks to start again ?

bouncyagain Sun 23-Mar-14 17:04:26

Dump. I don't normally go for some of the more brutal advice on here, but this time I would say dump by text.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:14:29

If forgiven (!) I am hoping to be strong enough to say that this is a deal breaker and I cannot be with someone I cannot trust. Don't want to waste years as with previous partner. And really, he should be with someone he really loves .....

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 17:15:09


LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 17:17:46

He already is with someone he loves - himself.

I agree, don't waste another moment on him.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:20:03

I guess the week break is partly due to my ahem "rudeness" and also gives him the opportunity to see whoever he is talking to on line. grrrrr

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 17:22:59

I bet it is - pity his next victim and thank your lucky stars it is no longer you.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:25:47

Op you certainly sound on the ball....your 'rudeness' and all

I guarantee he will be pursuing you....and your rudenessgrin

Personally.... I'd get on with life and line up a few more candidates in the wingswink

BuzzardBird Sun 23-Mar-14 17:29:11

No, no, no! Don't dump by text! Prove your terrible 'rudeness' by arranging to meet him somewhere and forgetting to turn up. Please do this, he has treated you appallingly and you need to have something to giggle at!

BitOutOfPractice Sun 23-Mar-14 17:33:40

I would just never contact him or communicate with him again. Imagine his frustration when not only are you not sorry for your terrible behaviour wink but that you have the cheek never to speak to him again. Total silence. It will drive him INSANE!!

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:33:58

Thanks Ladies, I am giggling already! Yes I have been treated appallingly and will let him know it even more rudely!! Will keep you updated ;)

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:34:17

Or better still set up a 'bogus' date as another woman through the site....

Laugh in his face and walk away

Sorry I'm just getting silly now

Sunday Sauvignon syndrome wine

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:45:27

I would love to do that .... would need a bogus photo

BuzzardBird Sun 23-Mar-14 17:45:51

Think of something that will really inconvience him. Tell him you have booked a hotel room with another woman who wants a threesome somewhere miles away booked in his name. Order champs to the room and leave him to pick up the bill. <disclaimer, I think I could be evil>

mammadiggingdeep Sun 23-Mar-14 17:48:24're evil...but I love it grin sound great and faaarrrr too good for him.

beckslovestimmy Sun 23-Mar-14 17:54:32

What a shit! Please get some revenge! smile

Monetbyhimself Sun 23-Mar-14 17:55:24

Yes prove how rude you are by refusing to respond to any communication from him.

What a knob he is!

Isthereanyhope Sun 23-Mar-14 17:55:47

Don't waste your time and energy on him any further. No plan of revenge, just move on and do well.

It's all about you, get out there, find someone worthy of you and have fun!

He is not worth another moment's thought.

bouquetdiva Sun 23-Mar-14 17:57:34

Oh I love it too!!

It is crazy that he has done this. Really let himself down.

chateauferret Sun 23-Mar-14 19:31:13

Spend a happy week looking forward to the look on his face when he saunters back expecting you to be oh so grateful that he has condescended to forgive you this once and instead of being crawled to and simpered at is told that:

(a) he is an arse the size of France
(b) you thoroughly enjoyed your "punishment" and
(c) he can Fuck Off like he's never fucked off before.


lemonbabe Sun 23-Mar-14 23:36:26

Wish we could name, picture, and out these kinds of men.

Would that be illegal ? Cos if not, that would be fab, can you just imagine the fun us girls could have with a website that outed all these @r$es ?!!

It could be called or grin

Think we'd all have a few likely candidates for that !!!

But sorry for having to go through this, men can be so blatantly dishonest, it's soul destroying. Walk away from this with your head held high - the man does not deserve a loving relationship.

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 07:15:48

It was this thread that prompted me to do some research too. I too saw an icon on BF's favourites but thought it could be an old one from before we were exclusive. After he was too busy to see me last week and reading this thread I decided to check it out. Sure enough he was there - looking for 'the one' 'the only thing missing in his life'. I made a profile complete with my photo and messaged him. I bet he wasn't expecting that!!

I am completely heartbroken and gutted. I'm embarrassment and humiliated - what a public slap in the guts.

Only1scoop Mon 24-Mar-14 07:24:43

Forum that's awful hmm

Treaclepot Mon 24-Mar-14 07:28:53

Oh Forum, hope you are okay.

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 07:33:59

It was only 4 weeks ago that he sent an unprompted email declaring his feelings for me, saying he loved me and was in love with me that much it scared him and if you knew him he is not one for showing emotions or declaring his feelings.

I have a big fuck off email waiting in my draft - my every thought and feeling in it. Still trying to decided if to press send or leave in silence.

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 07:37:10

Thanks for your kindness. Honestly I'm in bits but I have to try and pull myself together to get through work.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 24-Mar-14 07:44:50

Forum sad I'm sorry. At least you know though. flowers

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 07:51:31

Send the fuck off email or not?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 24-Mar-14 08:06:05

Oh forum sad

I would say no. I think nothing will drive him more insane than complete silence. My wanker ex always used to say "No answer is the best answer" and he was right about that one thing because he is a twat in every other respect

lemonbabe Mon 24-Mar-14 08:13:44

FORUM: maintain a dignified silence. Indifference kills men more than us rantin and ravin. Write down everything you feel always... never send it.

Only1scoop Mon 24-Mar-14 08:15:05

Forum Did you send a message from the profile you set up? <after you had caught the lying fucker active online>angry

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 08:20:44

Ohhh yes I sent him a message complete with my photo from the dating profile I created

Only1scoop Mon 24-Mar-14 08:27:43

Forum....think I'd leave it at that....

In similar circumstances years ago I wish I'd kept a dignified silence.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:06:15

I agree - silence. Let the fecker sweat too.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 24-Mar-14 09:11:08

So he's sent you to Coventry for a week, for having the gall to call him on this? I suggest that you stay in Coventry, i.e., change all your contact details. So when he decides you've been punished enough and can come back in from the cold, he won't be able to contact you.

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 09:26:03

I've been so upset and distressed the utter betrayal has consumed me. I went back on the site this morning and it said I had over 100 inbox messages -??? can that be right? ?? Anyway that got me thinking to something I'd not thought of. maybe I should stay on the site and get back on the horse wink

Only1scoop Mon 24-Mar-14 09:27:35

Every cloud and all that my love wink

LavenderGreen14 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:34:38

Forum - my experience of those sites is the men send many begging and desperate messages to women, and are mostly ignored. I too set up a fake profile when my ex was discovered on a site like that - it was a salacious pic and bio I must admit, but I got hundreds of messages, and blimey, these men were both desperate and pathetic in equal measure. I also read the messages my ex sent to women and they were both laughable and cringeworthy. He had very few replies and as time went on his messages got more beseeching and grim. If it wasn't so awful it would have been hilarious.

bouquetdiva Mon 24-Mar-14 20:51:25

Forum, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you too! wine. What has happened today?

As I am still in Coventry, it has been very quiet here.

forumdonkey Mon 24-Mar-14 21:27:37

Bouquet sorry I hijacked your thread but it was your post that rang so many bells - seeing the dating icon on his favorites that got me thinking and made me check.

I've not heard a thing from him since I sent the message to him on the dating site. I bet he got the shock of his life when he saw it was me messaging him. You'd think he'd at least grow some balls and at the very least apologise but no nothing not even an excuse.

How are you feeling Bouquet? Its gutting isn't it and I feel so ashamed and humiliated sad and very very sad as things had been so good. I just keep think WTF

BitOutOfPractice Tue 25-Mar-14 08:28:15

I think it must be peaceful in Coventry. No wankbadger a to disturb you!

Hope you're ok x

Donkey you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You have done nothing wrong. I hope you're ok as well

I speak from experience when I say I know what a horrible shock it is (although the site I found my ex on was a little less salubrious than a dating site)

bouquetdiva Tue 25-Mar-14 09:34:20

Thanks Practice.

Donkey - no worries about hijacking my thread - I am sorry that it prompted what has happened to you. I even wondered if it would have been better if we had not looked??

I'm feeling absolutely sick and gutted, can't stop thinking about it and wondering who he has met and when. He has a lovely photo and will have no problem meeting people.

Like you, I expected an apology instead of this complete silence. Yes, it is a complete shock and I miss him too!

Good for you for sending the message and photo! He deserved a shock like the one he gave you.

How are you feeling now? I reckon you should start to talking to some of the guys who messaged you!

Only1scoop Tue 25-Mar-14 09:42:02

Ladies it's not the same man <idiot> is it? blush

BitOutOfPractice Tue 25-Mar-14 09:55:57

Bouquet it's such a kick in the stomach isn't it? To find out that he is not the man you thought he was. And then you start to question your own judgment and so it goes on...

He is maintaining silence because a. he's mortified at being caught b. he is trying to come up with a good story c. he's waiting for you to crack first and contact him and d. he thinks you deserve punishing

Well a. he deserves to be mortified b. no amount of bullshit will wriggle him out of this one c. do not give him the satisfaction d. you have done nothing wrong. His world view is so skewed it's untrue

Hold yout head up high. You will come through this and be fine - you just have to try and get through this painful part which sucks

LavenderGreen14 Tue 25-Mar-14 09:59:19

It is mortifying I agree - and it feels like you cannot trust any of the past you shared together either.

You are right Bit my ex was utterly mortified when I found out, there really is no justification is there.

just remember the behaviour, and dishonesty, is all about them. It is no reflection on you at all.

forumdonkey Tue 25-Mar-14 10:14:21

Thanks OP and all you lovely ladies. I know exactly how you're feeling bouquet sad

one thing I can guarantee is that I will not be contacting him. I think he's put me through enough humiliation without losing my last scrap of dignitysad
Each day will feel better - that's what I keep telling myself

BitOutOfPractice Tue 25-Mar-14 10:19:25

It will forum and then, out of the blue, one day you'll feel happy for no reason - then those momentswill become more frequent. It's hard to believe now but you will be OK. Us women are strong and magnificent creatures!

Right now just keep on keeping on. Doing thing sthat give you pleasure (that sounds rude but I hope ykwim!) and being with people that love you. And let time heal you x

I'm sounding a bit woo today aren't I? blush

bouquetdiva Tue 25-Mar-14 12:03:48

I am thinking that although this is awful now, it will be easier in the long run as otherwise, they may in time have found a "better option" and ended our relationships and we would have been left wondering why. At least we know that we are losing a dishonest person who will in all likelihood do the same again to whoever they meet.

Forum - You are doing the right thing not to contact him. It would weaken your position and no contact gives him time to reflect on what he has done.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 25-Mar-14 12:13:29

Yes bouquet - I guess it's like ripping a plaster off. The initial pain is worse but hopefully it'll be over sooner and a cleaner wound iykwim

I know how hard it is though. Even now, over a year later, I still have the urge to contact my ex not helped by the occasional text I still get from him saying he's thinking of me ffs

Granville72 Tue 25-Mar-14 13:19:05

He sounds just like an ex of mine. Small world if it happened to be the same idiotic twat

forumdonkey Sat 29-Mar-14 14:20:26

Hi bouquet I just thought I'd see how you are doing now. Saw this and thought of us

ShakespearesUglySister Sat 29-Mar-14 14:28:12

Not defending him, but I was doing a quiz a few weeks ago on FB and it signed me up to Zoosk and now I can't get rid of it

forumdonkey Sat 29-Mar-14 14:47:04

Shakespeare - I bet you haven't filled in all your dating profile in though. Bet you haven't described yourself and what you're looking for sad

ShakespearesUglySister Sat 29-Mar-14 15:07:59

Not forumdonkey, of course not. I just keep getting stupid emails!

Poffedoff Sat 29-Mar-14 15:21:56

I could have written this thread a while back girls, I can sympathise and know the awful gut wrenching disbelief after the discovery.
I found my ex on a dating site months ago and stupidly believed his bullshit excuses, took hom back and allowed him to make it up to me (which he did, very well!)
4 weeks ago I had a feeling in my gut and checked pof again, there he was in all his glory. I set up a fake profile, messaged him and had a date arranged with him within a day!
I never revealed my real identity to him, I bided my time and after a few days texted him, told him I knew he was back on pof etc.etc
I never heard one single word back from him. Nothing. After 8 months! I wouldn't be holding out for either of your guys to contact you and if they do I strongly advise against replying, ever. These guys are cowards and emotionally immature, not worth the effort of typing a reply.
So sorry though, I still feel like shit about it and mad at myself for being so well and truly duped.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now