Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I think my xDP might be a psychopath or something?(89 Posts)
I am sorry if this is long I will try and make it as short as possible and can fill in more detail later if needed. Please would anyone be able to give me some opinions on the crazy change in behaviour of my xDP. I think there’s a chance he might have some sort of serious mental health issues and was wondering what the people here think.
We had a very good relationship, no problems I was aware of, happy home and no drama in our lives.
Throughout the relationship he was the “perfect” man. Nothing was too much trouble, he was really in love with me, treated me so well, huge romantic gestures all the time, was a great stepdad to my kids and just seemed to do everything right. Nothing at all amiss in the relationship, he seemed like Price Charming. My friends and family loved him, my kids loved him, everyone kept telling me I’d found a keeper and never to let him go.
Then 8 months ago he very developed severe depression after the death of his Dad and he changed. Came on very suddenly over a month. He, never went out, he became angry and snappy, he could not get out of bed and in the end he said he needed to be alone and moved out after giving me only 24 hours notice that he'd decided to do this. I was upset, but his depression seemed really severe to the point I was worried he would kill himself so I was supportive.
His depression had all the symptoms you usually expect from what you read about it but he was also quite an angry and started to say and do nasty things for seemingly no reason other than spite or lashing out. He became irrational too, once picking a fight with me over him needing to change travel plans 2 years ago due to my Nan having a stroke. It was really odd and nothing like the docile person he was before.
For six months now I have been helping him financially, talking to him every day, holding his hand when he felt really depressed, supporting him emotionally, driving him to docs appointments, doing his ironing, cleaning his flat and looking after him in general.
All this time he has been attributing his mean behaviour to being depressed and he has said he loves me but was really struggling to cope with life and that me standing by him was keeping him going. He kept saying he couldn't cope with a full blown relationship in his state but he was asking me to wait until he got better because he did not want to lose me.
Then at the weekend, I went on a night out with a mutual friend and some wine got flowing and her lips got loose. She told me that behind my back he has been telling friends he left me because I was a compulsive spender and we had been arguing and having problems. This is all completely not true. He was the compulsive spender and I was always trying to reign him in. He also has been saying behind my back that we are never getting back together, that he is not depressed and that he only stays in contact with me because I am upset and finding it hard to move on.
I was really angry and showed her his messages on my phone which confirmed my story and she was shocked. Because he is known as Mr Nice Guy and he is so well thought of by everyone we know my friend confessed that most people we know think I was “making up the depression” to make myself feel better about being dumped. I am apparently being called a bunny boiler behind my back
I then checked the credit card statement and saw that he joined up on match.com and plenty more fish less than a week after leaving me with his “depression” and needing to be alone.
I then turned super sleuth and checked his phone and computer and found out he's put photos of us having sex on the internet on a website used to pick up women for casual sex.
I confronted him about all this last night (I had all the evidence printed off) and he denied it first, then said he didn't have to justify himself to me. I said to him that I'd been taking care of him and he'd been begging me to wait for him and he said that he didn't want to be with me and me checking up on him proves that I am a psycho stalker. He had no remorse or guilt at all over any of it.
I feel really bamboozled. He has the whole world believing lies about me. I could easily send evidence round to show he is a liar, but this seems immature and embarrassing. I can’t stress enough how well this guy is thought of by friends and family. He even had me fooled and I lived with him.
Is he just severely depressed, or is this man a psychopath or something more serious?
Also, what should I do? Walk away?
I feel funny even saying this because up until now I completely believed he was a great guy with no faults. His lies haven't been small ones it's more like he says the opposite of the truth and I feel a bit scared of him.
Walk away? Run! He sounds unhinged and spiteful. Cut him completely out of your life and block him.
Most people will be able to see through the nice guy act. Whatever he is, you cannot help or change him, and he is not your responsibility.
Does it matter? The point is that he can't treat you with honesty or respect so you need to remove him from your life completely.
Honestly, as someone whose X went on a complete character assassination attempt after we split, I understand I really do. The dishonesty and injustice of it all really, really stings at first. But you will drive yourself mad if you dwell on this. What are you going to do? You can't possibly go around targetting everyone he's spread his lies to, setting the record straight.
I quickly realised that unless it is affecting your life unreasonably (e.g. stopping you getting a promotion/job), in which case you use the law against him, your best bet is to simply ignore and move on. Sometimes it takes years before the scales fall from people's eyes (if ever), but eventually it becomes apparent that the 'nice guy with the unstable x' seems to have a peculiar habit of falling prey to bad fortune, whereas all his psycho Xs seem to have strangely well-functioning lives where the only drama seems to be the common denominator of Mr nice guy (unless they don't know his Xs, in which case they won't be in your social circle so who gives a damn what they think anyway).
Remember that those who love you will know the truth. Those whose opinions matter because they can affect your life can be told the truth. No one else's POV is worth worrying about.
The thing is with people like your X is that they can't ever take responsibility. Transference where he claims you have done all the things he's actually done is very common. But while it deflects blame nicely in the first instance, it's actually very self-limiting behaviour, preventing people from learning and dooming them to becoming stuck in the same patterns of behaviour. Whereas you can go on and live an improved life and have the ultimate revenge of a life well lived.
Report him to the police for the photos and stay away from him.
Cut him out of your life right now and don't look back. Psychopath? Hard to say, but definitely seems to be aware of his actions and unremorseful. Displays lots of the characteristics of the Hare Psychopathy test. As whocansay says - whatever he is, you won't change him (but I doubt you'd even want to?). XX
Wow - it must be a shock but you know what to do.
Cut all contact immediately.
Block him from your phone, email, facebook etc...
He is telling you (and others) who he is - believe him and drop him like a hot stone!
2nd time today but...
The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And yes - agree with Lovebeing report him to the police for the images on the internet.
I think the only term you can use is: dickh*ad
Like others have said you could spend a life time wondering if he is. Get him out of your life and get the images removed from the websites.
He may display certain characteristics but I personally don't think he is as he has used emotional manipulation to get what he wants. So must have an understanding of empathy and sympathy and knows how to use it to get you running around after him and not lose face blaming you entirely for the split.
Be kind to yourself, put your own needs and wants first.
Isn't reporting him to the police for those photos going to make me look spiteful and unhinged just like he is making out? I want to minimise drama.
I know you are all right...I obviously have no intention of ever taking him back or of wanting to change him. He's show his true colours. I am just really shocked and don't know what to tell people or how bst to get my dignity back.
Bloody hell - run, report to the police and also stop giving him money. How did he manage to get your credit card details? You need to report your card as stolen? He puts photos of you online and says you are unhinged?? Surely what he has done is illegal.
And please do not honour his behaviour with depression, he is a liar and a cheat and a conman.
report to the police. chances are he's probably done this before. How long were you together?
Anyone would be shocked in your position OP. He has betrayed your trust.
You don't have to tell people anything apart from the truth: the relationship has ended and you want to move on. I'd keep as many details private - keep a dignified silence.
I'd do some research online as to how best to remove these images. You can of course go to the police. What you say to them is confidential, no one needs to know you have been, unless you tell them.
Hi Lavender, no we had a joint credit card. We lived together for 3 years so everything was joint. He always paid the credit cards though, so I suppose he never expected me to look at it.
Yes, he put photos of me online and claims I am unhinged. I feel like I am talking to someone evil. He scoffs at me. Like a complete stranger. I would not feel so crazy if he acknowledged wrongdoing.
He did remove the images last night after we argued about it. I kept screen shots though, as evidence. He has lied about everything and I thought he would do it again.
Report him, who gives a shiny shit about what other people think, you know the truth and people wanna know, you can tell them as much or as little as you please.
Cut all contact, dont engage with him, you have no reason too.
He is not depressed, you were just his meal ticket, mug this wanker off and move on.
Has he been in contact with you at all today?
Best to completely ignore him from now on.
Don't reply to texts or answer calls.
That will drive him batty!
Separate everything financially.
It's appalling what he has done to you after 3 years of living together.
Prize cock of the highest order!
I would go to the police and make sure the images have been removed.
It's not spiteful at all, it's making sure there are no home porn movies of you going around the world for all to see!!!!
If i were in your position i would cut all financial and emotional ties with this man. He has publicly humiliated you in a number of ways. He doesn't deserve your support at all.
I think what you'll find has happened is that he has 'emotionally detached' or even met someone new at roughly the same time as his father passed away. It could be linked or it could be a sheer coincidence. You say he was very full on initially with big romantic gestures and so on. That kind of person often has no middle ground. It's either black or white and they either love you or loathe you.
wannaBe, yes, he has done this before but I was on the receiving end and believed what he was saying about his "crazy ex". He was just so convincing that I felt sorry for him.
No he hasn't contacted me today at all.
Cogito if he had found someone else why would he be on dating sites trying to find someone?
I think some have a bit of a fling, decide it's the end, behave badly, the fling finishes and they're then either begging to come back or off searching for a replacement.
Dear God are you serious? "Isn't reporting him to the police for those photos going to make me look spiteful and unhinged just like he is making out? I want to minimise drama."
Report him for goodness sake. I am so so shocked at your question!
laurenlovely what an awful thing to go through.
It seems like he has MH issues here for sure. I was with my ex DP for a relatively short time and had no idea he had MH problems until months into the relationship. He never owned up to them. Blamed his ex, who he said had Bi-Polar disorder.
A couple of times his behaviour really scared me, extreme paranoia, delusions, jealousy. You need to get out of this terrible situation.
I know there are a lot of names being thrown around here, and what he's doing is unforgivable, but do not forget this man is obviously very ill - he cannot help himself and you certainly cannot help him. You'll go insane. I feel for you because I remember what it felt like with all the 'storytelling' and elaborate details - you end up questioning yourself.
Run for the hills and don't look back !!
The third para of your OP was a heart sinker. All the ingredients of a faker are there: the so-called perfect man, fairy tale terminology, big gestures, everyone telling you you'd been lucky to find him, etc.
I agree with others: this man is not depressed. He is a full on manipulator, and always was. It's not unusual to find a huge web of lies around a man like that, and to find yourself offering emotional and financial support because he has made you feel sorry for him, and because he appears to be a nice guy.
I'm really sorry he has taken advantage of you, and used you so callously. He won't acknowledge wrongdoing. He thinks he's clever for tricking you.
Don't bother sending evidence to people. It's an injustice, but you will look foolish. However, don't cover up for him either. If people ask what's happened, tell them, bluntly and matter of factly.
If people go on about how nice he is, tell them that he isn't as trustworthy as he appears. Then say nothing. Keep your dignity.
For your own health, cut him out of your life 100%.
Did you agree to the photos in the first place?
Get him the hell out of yr life ASAP, consider yourself lucky that you got away. Don't worry about the picture he paints of you. Easy to say I know, but in time it'll be forgotten by you, and everyone else. Definitely a weird one with probably more than a few ulterior motives.
Funky we made a video and what he had done was to make still shots out of them. He actually went to some trouble! It's not like they were just sitting there.
OK 2 lessons learned - no videos or photo's you will ALWAYS regret them.
Other one is the one you need to learn now: he will continue being weird and vile. You will gain nothing by fighting fire with fire. But now you know and so does someone who had been sucked in by him. All you have to do/say is laugh 'oh, is he telling you that too?' if anyone else brings it up.
As for the piccies, where did he put them? Ask whoever urns the site them to remove them as a mater of urgency. Give them a potted history and, if he actually posts anything vile with the piccies use that as evidence that they should be removed. I can't remember where else you go for that....
He is a complete weirdo and you are well shot of him... pity his next victim! As others have said take all steps to sever any and all ties. Even of that means picking up any outstanding debts, if you can afford to. And check your credit status, Noddle is free. Don't let him have any negative affect on you.
Report this revolting man. Stand up for yourself by going to the police. I remember reading that one of the major aspects of a sociopath is that they get you to feel sorry for them. much easier to manipulate and control you if they have gained your sympathy.
Thanks all. He took the photos down last night and I think reporting to the police would create more drama for me when I just want a bit of peace and quiet after all this. I think he would end up twisting it to make me look bad. Like "She knew I put those photos online, we did it together, this is her being a bunny boiler". He's shown himself to be capable of immense bullshit and I don't want any more trouble for me and the kids.
I will definitely not contact him and will block him on everything. I just feel completely devastated. After so many happy years together for him to do this to me for no apparent reason. He was my best friend, I completely trusted him.
His explanation is of course that he was embarrassed about being depressed and did not want people to know the extent of it and he said he did not directly say the things people are saying but that they "drew their own conclusions" which is basically telling e that my friends thought I was a bunny boiler?
His words are so assured and so patronising that they have be doubting my own sanity. HE chased ME. He BEGGED me to go out with him. All through the relationship he acted like he worshipped the ground I walked on. It's like he's twisted reality 180 degrees.
When I talk to him at the moment I come away feeling very confused. He plays tricks with words and I end up having it turned back on me. It's very hard to explain but he sort of answers every question with a question or re-directs things to insult me.
I think people are right and trying to keep my dignity if best, the truth will out in the end. My friend, bless her, said she was calling everyone she knew to tell them the texts and whatsapps she has seen on my phone so hopefully that will help put things right.
I was so temped to put the evidence on Facebook last night, but with hindsight I am glad I didn't.
I know he is a complete bastard, but I really thought he wasn't and really loved him. I've been looking after him all this time when he was ill.
Would suggest you give some thought to your view that reporting a crime against you constitutes unnecessary drama. Have you been taught that you're not worth defending?
Lovebombing is a common thing psychopaths do to make you think they are the perfect partner. They will mirror you so it appears you are soul mates. But over time the act cannot be sustained and in this case his fathers death put huge stress on him acting out still. He was possibly doing stuff before his fathers death too but the no stress to cause the mask to slip.
So lets see...best thing to do is treat him like a psychopath! Write to him or better still get a solicitor to write to him to explain you will not tolerate what he has done with the photos and if he does not remove and discard them and negatives ( or hands them over to solicitor) you will inform the police and take legal action. Btw did you know the photos were being taken?
Ok next in letter you say you want no further contact with him. You change your numbers emails FB etc and delete his contacts. You have no contact with him ever again.
Then wait! See if legal threats work!
Step 2 don't look back, restart contact etc
For me it is the photos of sex posting them on internet that is a red flag here. He needs his sexual ego boosted. Was he into odd sexual behaviours? Had he ever admitted anything like rape?
Be careful as if he is a true psychopath he might not like this ego attack and may retalliate but I think the 'legal' threat might keep him in check.
Aha posted same time OP glad they are down but are they destroyed?
Well done and dont look back.
I Googled and it said it's not actually illegal in the UK?
No, they are not destroyed and even if I tried to they would probably not be as he's a computer security worker and he'd know a way around it.
Legal action threats are a good idea. He's terrified of public embarrassment and authority figures.
No, he's not got any weird sexual tastes, doesn't like pain or anything weird. The only odd thing is maybe that he is very sexual, maybe a little obsessed with it. This always made me feel "loved" and "wanted" but with hindsight he would have been like that with anyone. I think he's a bit of a pervert. I read some of the messages he was sending girls on that sick and it made me sick in my mouth.
I hope thats the end of you doing anything for him at all? And you have sought legal advice re maintenance for your dc? Plus agreed contact?
I would change the locks too, just to be sure, and stop all contact with him, fb, etc. Do you have a solicitor? Perhaps he could go through them in future and where does he see the dc? Assume you're not running them about making it easy for him?
Your friend- she sounds like his friend too. Is there anyone in your family or an old friend who would be supportive of you and you know won't run back to him? Not saying your friend will, but you may need assurance of privacy.
Yes!!! Am doing nothing for him ever again. Already sent him and email to tell him never to contact me again. My DC's are not his thankfully.
My friend is more my friend than his. She would not run back to him. After reading what she read she telephoned him there and then and called him a manipulative c**t because she was so disgusted and angry for me. She is the one who suggested me that he was a psychopath and she has been the one to help me really find my anger in all this. At first I was like a bunny caught between the headlights.
Yes though, I do have lots of friends with no connection to him. Honestly...there's no danger at all of me running back to him. I'd never let him near me again.
My Dad was narcissistic but his behAviour only got really bad after my grandad died.
I think I read somewhere that quite often this kind of person is held in check by an authority figure that they are afraid ( usually a parent) but once that person has gone it can release the real narcissist.
Get away and keep away, he will only get worse.
I really do suggest you report the pictures to the police. It may seem melodramatic, but I think you may only feel that now because of what he is saying. You may feel that will upset him further. But he thought very little about upsetting you when he posted them on line.
A little chat with the police may make him realise you are not going to be fucked around. Follow it up with a solicitor letter. If any one calls you unhinged ask them if they would want someone to post intimate pictures of their girlfriend, mother, sister or daughter without their knowledge. Stick to facts if anyone asks you questions, say they may want to be a little wary of him.
Keep texts and emails, just in case you need them later on. Ask him to not contact you. He may become mr nice guy again to further manipulate you. He is saying he doesn't want to be with you because you caught him out, he may want you to beg for his forgiveness. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong.
My ex said lots of people thought I was unhinged/horrid blah blah blah, I now know from many people that they actually thought he was a cock and wondered why I was with him! Strangely his exes were all unhinged/crazy and psychotic too... Hmmm...
This guy is doing you a favour. You can do so very much better. You may look back and realise there were other red flags early in the relationship.
Do report his posting of pictures and do send a letter via a solicitor. You are not unhinged, I would certainly expect a friend, acquaintance or a stranger to report it.
OP read this www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/07/dating-a-psychopath_n_4378946.html
You made me think of it when you started your post by saying he was Prince Charming, etc...
Hopping can I was ask was your dad abused by his df? Did the gf cause it?
I agree and showing you mean it by law enforcement action is often the only way to keep behaviours in check. My ex doesnt attack my house no more as if caught on CCTV he will go to prison. You have to wait to see if he attacks then otherways ie stalking cyberbullying and quash these with threatening law also. You have to spell it out you will act abd he will be in trouble OP. This should hault him to move on and stop this behaviour. Unless he is a paranoid psychopath of course he wont stop and end up in trouble with law.
I know this seems a very silly question, but can anyone tell me why a person would do this?
Act for years as if they loved you, bend over backwards to make you happy, be there for you through everything (illness, troubles) and be your best friend and closest companion and then suddenly decide to be hateful?
I do hope you'll report the photos to the police. Even if you don't want the aggro for yourself or you don't mind that much etc. Do it for the next unfortunate who finds herself wrapped up in him.
lauren Who knows why he has done it. It must be torture but sadly you may never know. What you must concentrate on is stopping him from hurting you any more. I'm so sorry.
I just can't understand how anyone could keep up such a performance for so long
His explanation is of course that he was embarrassed about being depressed and did not want people to know the extent of it.
I was going to suggest that this might well be the case.
ie that he was depressed not that he was just going to say that.
Well, I defriended him, blocked his number, blocked his email and my friends and family have done the same. I never thought at my age I would ever have to do that with anyone (especially not him!) but it's done.
I have contacted credit card company and asked them how to split our joint card and I've had his name taken off all the bills at the house.
I feel really detached from reality and none of this seems real.
Good for you Lauren. NC is the only way to deal with someone like this.
You may feel detached from reality because you've had to rethink your reality in a big way. It's a shock to the system. You've also had to deal with his word games, blatant lies and manipulation.
Recovering from a relationship like this can take more out of you than you expect. Be kind to yourself, get plenty of support, and give yourself time.
I agree with others: this man is not depressed. He is a full on manipulator, and always was. It's not unusual to find a huge web of lies around a man like that, and to find yourself offering emotional and financial support because he has made you feel sorry for him, and because he appears to be a nice guy.
You'll probably find out later that he killed his father.
It's natural to want to know 'why'. Highly simplistic explanation coming up:
1] There's a powerful fantasy in his head of what he is & how his life should be.
2] Discrepancies between what's in his head and the realities are intolerable.
3] He will do anything at all to make reality fit the fantasy, or to convince himself it fits.
4] Since he can't bear the discrepancies, he will always blame others for them.
5] His fantasy is his only 'reality'. Other people are not properly real to him, they are accessories.
You will never know exactly what his fantasy looks like. As you know him well, you'll have some idea but you can only have seen a very small part of it.
I know these aren't answers, but hopefully it will head off any sneaky feelings that you should or could have done things differently. You couldn't have: you were manipulated by a madman.
Some time soon, it may be helpful to think that you had 3 lovely years with a fantasy partner - and, when the façade broke, you acted swiftly to limit the damage. You rock
I know it must be easy to read stuff like this and work out that a person is unhinged or deranged or a sociopath - but to me he's my partner. It doesn't feel really possible at all.
He was my best friend and the closest person in the world to me and this was the best relationship I'd ever had. It's hard not to wonder hat that says about me. That my deepest relationship in 40 years was with someone who had no real emotions and was faking the whole thing
GarlicMarchHare I know what you have said is completely true. His reactions are like an animal backed into a corner and he's almost rabid in his need to not face the truth or admit to reality. His "nice" persona changed completely like the mask slipping off when he was confronted.
What you said to me was very, very nice. This is a good way to look at it and I hope I can try and focus on it in a positive and strong light like that because I know if I have done something wrong here I didn't know it or understand what was happening.
I am not sure how to mourn the relationship now. It's really strange because I don't miss him or want to see him because the things he has done are so bad that he sickens me but there's another level to it underneath where I know I've experienced the loss of what I thought was my future and someone who was incredibly previous to me.
Your description of this man is so like a member of my family. The word mask is very apt because they do wear a mask & only under duress does the mask slip & you see the real person behind.
Don't waste another minute of your life trying to understand the motives behind the actions of someone like this. The only meaningful relationship they ever have is with themselves, everyone else is expendable.
Run, thank your lucky stars you have no children with him.
He sounds like my ex, he told people I would not let him see the children when he was not showing up to see them, and all kinds of lies about me. Told me he was depressed and was nasty and goading and generally horrible to me and the children. I also found out he knew I and the children were ill and tried to stop us getting health care by telling lies saying I was mentally ill, which I am not.
Like your ex he was believed and I wasn't and people were horrible to me and the children.
These are not normal people and you are best away from them.
Did he appear to be a really nice person though before he turned on you?
My ex was the type who would be the designated driver. Fix the bikes of the kids on the street. If my friends had man trouble they came to him for advice. He was considered to be the village yoda or something and everyone loved him.
I know it was only three years but he lived round the corner from me for years and I've known a few of his exes and there was no bad stories about him going round. I'd never heard him slag anyone off before or seen him behave like this before.
I do know he was unfaithful to his ex and had a weird internet history but he'd told me this was because his long term ex was not into sex and gave him no affection and he was lonely so he made me feel sort of sorry for him instead of thinking he was an arse. He was clever with words and always had a face like an abused puppy.
Looking back I was stupid and if someone is capable of being deceptive with one woman they are capable of doing it with anyone. The thing was he voluntarily told me about this and he said he was telling me because with me everything was different and he wanted me to know everything about him.
None of it really adds up, but then I suppose he must have had a streak underneath and it just snapped and came out when enough pressure was applied
Yes everyone thought he was fantastic.
As someone said up thread, it is all black and white, he loves you or hates you, that includes his own children.
Don't feel bad for being stupid, I don't, I was very young when I met him, and was with him for over ten years. The next victim had a social psychology degree and was in her early thirties, she was fooled, so he must have been good.
Just say away from him, you are his play thing. My ex used to have hatred for certain people and would spend years trying to destroy them, I have been his person, he can't do that to me anymore, he will need a new victim to hate and destroy now.
Thanks Khloe. That makes me feel a lot better.
You really do have to keep you and your children safe and cut every thing to do with him.
I like the comment someone else made, tell people he is not what he seems and say no more.
Honestly...people keep saying this to me in real life. Believe me...I have see absolutely sick images of me posted on the internet to pick up other women, and I have read with my own eyes lies that he has said about me to make me look bad and I have experienced him talking to me like dirt. I really don't want any contact at all with him and there's no chance at all of him worming back into my life. I have kids to think about. Never would I let that evil bast**r across my threshold again. I just don;t want to end up screwed up in my head forever because of all this.
I agree with the comment to tell people he is not what he seems.
I can top trump you, I was lied about in a court of law and nearly lost residency of my children over his lies. His lies meant that I struggled to get health care for us. Let it go.
Some people are just very narcissistic AND very machievellian, so they will go to great lengths to get what they want. If they are very nice to you, even for a protracted period of time, it's because it suits their needs at the time or in future. Not because they care about you. And it will stop suddenly as soon as the effort=reward equation has changed for them. A lack of empathy means they won't give a damn how the sudden change in their behaviour effects you.
Clearly he's moved on (and it suits him to paint himself in a very different light to your mutual friends and acquaintances).
The best thing you can do is shut him out of your life and move on too. The more you can completely block him out, the better for you. It'll also piss him off more than any kind of ongoing contact (positive or negative). Narcissists can't really cope with being completely ignored, it's so at odds with what their egos need. A good case for absolutely no contact, blocking on your facebook page, even stopping dead any conversation with mutual acquaintances, "I prefer not to talk about him" so there is nothing to get back to him, you are not thinking of him, talking of him...you're not interested. Full stop.
BTW trying to get everyone to know the truth will probably just frustrate you and distress you more. He sounds like an A+ schemer and they only way to beat this is by dignified silence.
I would however, have a word with the police regarding the misuse of your explicit images. Even a quiet word with him might stoo him doing anything else with them, after all he won't want the fuss/damage to his "reputation".
lauren you are a nice person and he isn't. If you try and work out what was going on in his head, you will drive yourself mad and get nowhere. You have to accept that there are some sick fuckers out there and never in a million years can you work out what was going on and why.
What is normal to you and other normal and nice people just does not apply to them because they do not have empathy, sympathy or understanding - it is all about them and no one else. This man is incapable of true and proper feelings for another human being.
He is not worth your brain power because it will just get to you trying to understand this. Hold your head up high, do NOT do yourself down over this (you made a mistake and hey.. lots of others do too!) and thank your lucky stars you escaped. Do not enter into drawn out discussions with anyone about him because it will just mean you go over and over it in your head and it will take longer to let it all go. I wish you the best of luck.
Op I get what you are saying about how the person you loved most in all your years has turned out to be a sham. A similar thing happened to me when I met if not a sociopath, a deeply disordered person. You are doing brilliantly. This will change you, but in that it will make you stronger even though there will be a lot to sift through and deal with.
Thanks Springheeled. It really does make me feel a little better to know other people might have been in the same position. I know it will change me, it feels very uncomfortable but I do also think maybe before I was a walking advert for someone like this. Too trusting, too innocent, always overlooking little signs. I hope it doesn't push me too far the other way though!
As soon as I read the bit about him telling other people lies and making you look like you are a bunny boiler I immediately thought - narcissist - he has the mask with them all, you have seen behind it. walk away.
Show a few friends the texts, the websites ones you trust, their judgement. His mask will slip again. i think your friend must have suspected for her to raise it with you.
dont ever put yourself down for being trusting OP
you did the right thing by somone who you thought was ill.
when you found out he wasnt you stopped caring.
you sound pretty sensible, logical and protective of your kids.
just remember he has all those other people fooled, but not you.
Ive just read a novel about a similar kind of guy, its called 'You should have known' by Jean Hanff Korelitz, I'd say you would find it very interesting.
I'm sorry for you Op but as another pp says, thankfully you don't have kids with this man. I do with my ex and I will have ongoing contact for another 10 years. He has lied to everyone on his side about me, plays horrid games with my DC. I don't think he is a psychopath but very calculating and manipulative. Nobody likes him and that was a big red flag that I didn't see. So don't blame yourself - when you are a trusting individual it is very difficult to see through a façade.
Thanks again all of you. I am going for a counselling session today to talk all this through just to get it all off my chest with someone in real life. I'm going to be fine -I know that - and I know in the long run it is better to break up with someone who turned out to be a nightmare than to lose someone who was wonderful.
I don't want to have any permanent damage left to me so would prefer to deal with whatever trust issues this has raised in a healthy way now rather than in a messier way later on.
It's a really big comfort to my mind to know others have been sucked in by bad people before. I always thought I was a human lie detector.
My last contact with my ex is happening today. He is dropping off my things and taking his, he is also signing various papers to separate our finances. I'm not feeling worried or nervous about it and I have let the neighbour know he is coming and she says she will keep an eye out. Not that I am expecting trouble. As far as it seems he is scared of me right now. He knows I have exposed him and he hates it. I will handle it quickly and with dignity and after that will never see him again.
I had a lucky escape, there's no question about that.
Please let us know when he has left and that you are ok.
See you you getting all that sorted today, you really have got your head screwed on Lauren youve done the right thing. Take Care.
Thanks whyisthishappenning, I will let you know.
Thanks andsmile, I thought if I left it for a week ro two it would be hanging over me and this way it's all over and I never have to see his sick face again.
I did contemplate actually pulling out all the print offs and making him face his own lies, but then after reading what you have all written here I know it would be pointless because all I am hoping for is remorse and an apology or explanation which will never come.
I did investigate a bit more into things, and noticed a few more bad lies. For example, in December he told me he was going away on a business conference for a few days and he made the whole thing up. He was at home, on the internet, surfing sex dating sites all night for those few days he was "away".
Remembering back...his story about this was SO convincing, he was even complaining about the traffic and the hotel room.
It's not as if he had a date or was meeting another woman. He created this lie simply to stay at home and internet surf. Why on earth he made up that lie I will never understand. He could have just said he wanted a few days alone...we were separated...it's like lying for the sake of it.
I insist you plan a few treats for yourself and invite your friends round at the weekend have a big girls night in...you deserve it because you nice and dencent and he is a wank splash.
Lauren these sort of people tell such convincing lies they actually believe it themselves. You were and are quite right not to confront him on this, it will get you nowhere and only mess your head up, and allow him to heap on even more lies
if that is possible.
Well done you for moving away from this and hopefully you will be able to move on from it and enjoy your life knowing you are a kind rational honest person and he isn't.
Thanks all, andsmile, I just want a weekend this weekend of peace and quiet and no drama with the kids, but I will have a girls night in soon. My friends have been great, I'm really lucky on that front.
Thank you Rousette.
He came round and it was not as I expected. He was white as a sheet, looked petrified, and his eyes were all red from crying. I didn't ask him any questions but he said he wanted me to know he was sorry. He admitted to everything.
He said his brain was a mess, he was very depressed and at the time he did those things he was drinking heavily and very angry. I asked why he was angry at me, and he said he wasn't. Just angry at the world.
I thanked him for the apology and told him to look after himself. Didn't seem much point in anything else. I have all my stuff, the papers are signed. I don't have to see him again.
Well done Lauren and don't waver because it could be a technique of his to get back in your good books. Be proud of yourself that you've sorted this once and for all and well done for wishing him well after his behaviour. Doing that will pay you back with good karma
When he was here, I felt like he wanted to kiss me or touch me. He was looking at me that way. A matter of time probably before he tries to edge his way back in.
I won't let him back into my life. I really loved him and it's hard to explain really how much. It was more than I have ever loved anyone and I'm pushing 40.
I just think he did stuff that you can't push past. People are either capable or not capable of this sort of behaviour, and if someone can do it once they can (and probably will) do it again.
I won't out me or the kids through that.
I will never know why / how he did this stuff but I think what the counsellor today convinced me of is that a) I might never know and b) it actually doesn't matter.
The point is that the stuff that happened removed all chance of "working it out"
Yes, Lauren. We all want to forgive but some things just can't be forgiven and shouldn't. Doing so allows that person to repeat that behaviour and I am sure you are worth far more than that. You are being very strong - hang on to that fact.
Pour yourself a and know you've done the right thing.
I have a glass going, and my kids are cuddled up on the sofa with me. A few tears and eventually it'll pass. I almost wish he'd come in here being a bast**d to make it easier to hate him. Thanks so much all of you. I know I am doing the right thing.
Just a thought - and mainly because of the length of time he was seemingly good with you and then the fairly abrupt changes. Is it possible that he was addicted to something (drugs or alcohol for instance) and fell off the wagon?
Even so, of course, that's no excuse for his appalling behaviour towards you.
The very best of luck.
No Cozietoesie, he was never into anything like that. The counsellor I saw yesterday said she wasn't able to offer a firm opinion without having met him, but based on all the facts presented she said it was unlikely someone could keep up a façade so effectively without signs for 3.5 years. She said she was sceptical that was possible.
She said in her experience a severe depressive episode coupled with a lot of stress or a trauma could trigger unusual mental health issues and cause people to behave very strangely. She thought maybe something beyond depression might be at play but she didn't want to hazard a guess at what that might be, but she felt he needs more than counselling because his behaviour was abnormal.
She did also say that quite severe depression (particularly in men) could manifest in very aggressive ways. Not that she was making excuses for him -she seemed to agree that the best thing for me was to stay well away because she felt that something like this could continue to inflict a lot of hurt onto myself and my children and she also said something so severe was likely to last some time unless he got effective help, and she also said it might even be permanent.
She did tell me to try and stop analysing because explaining the inexplicable was like banging your head up against a brick wall.
She also said anti-depressive medication could in some rare cases cause strange personality changes and cruelty.
As I said, it was the length of time that gave me pause for thought.
But thinking about any of that is unproductive for you even though it's like feeling for a new gap in your teeth. (You know you can do nothing but you can't stop yourself.) Not only would you drive yourself into twists thinking about possible reasons but there's nothing you could (or should) do about it. Even knowing the reasons wouldn't really help you.
As you've said - stay away from him and start a better life for yourself and the children.
Going on experience with a family member who is like this, they are never really sorry(despite the tears), just sorry that they got caught out.
I could believe that Holdthepage.
I just personally think to be actually capable of these acts shows something seriously wrong with a person's character. It wasn't in a moment, it was prolonged over a period of months and took time and forethought.
Join the discussion
Please login first.