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Boyfriend going on holiday with two women(42 Posts)
I was going to post this in AIBU but I am being a whimp. My BF and I have had a rocky relationship, and broke up for a month around Christmas, consequently he moved out of my house and into a house share. Since getting back together things have been going really well and we are in a really good place so I really don't want to cause a mountain out of a molehill.
Last night my BF was given a last minute opportunity to go away for a few days by his male housemate, he leaves tomorrow. It transpires that this trip also includes his two female housemates.
AIBU to find this unsettling and to be honest a bit inappropriate, I'm not sure why I feel this way it just makes me so uncomfortable. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong and am being "mental". I don't even know why I feel so unhappy about this but it really bothers me.
If it's all housemates together, then I think the holiday will not change his relationship with them one whit.
So, are to jealous that they're all off on holiday and you're not? Or are you concerned about his relationship with the women on the trip? Because although the holiday might have brought those feelings to the surface, it really isn't changing the opportunities for flatmates to be close if they want to be.
I'm not bothered about the holiday it is the fact he is going away with two women he has know for two months if it was lads I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. I think going away partying for two days could actually change the relationship quite significantly.
Given that he lives with them anyway, I really wouldn't worry about it. If something is going to happen with one of them it will happen whether he goes away with them or not. Do you have any real reason to think that he fancies either of them or them him beyond the fact that they are of the opposite sex and in close proximityo each other?
"...It transpires that this trip also includes his two female housemates."
"...AIBU to find this unsettling and to be honest a bit inappropriate"
Well I guess look at it this way, if something happens then you are best off knowing and getting rid, if it doesn't, no problem - and you're bound to find out if it does. Personally it wouldn't bother me at all. I go for weekends away with my best male friend and our spouses are fine with it
Why are people scared of AIBU? There is clearly some MN politics I am not privvy to!
Oh yes, and, how old are you/he, and where do you see things going from here? Think it's fine for him to be going away with them, but sounds like he's stringing you along until someone better comes his way. Sorry :s
Because it can be very harsh when feeling over sensitive, I'm 28 he is 33 and no he is not stringing me along in any way shape or form we are both on same page and will be moving back in together in the next few months then saving for a deposit. I at no point insinuated that I doubt our relationship.
I posted because I wasn't sure if I was being irrational and from the posts here it is clear I am.
No you are not being irrational but tbh all you can do is trust him at this stage. I went away with a female freind and two lads once and there was absolutely no romantic intention at all and we all 4 shared a hotel room as well. Completely platonic.
Maybe what bothers you now more than a holiday with the flatmates is DP pouring scorn on your misgivings. When was the last time you two had a carefree break away together? If he's more animated about an unexpected holiday than you've seen him be in a long time perhaps you could take a look at how things are going.
You wouldn't be unreasonable to object to him calling you "mental" in future. If that's the word he used.
It kind of does come across as if you doubt the relationship as you describe it as 'rocky'.
we are both on same page and will be moving back in together in the next few months then saving for a deposit
If you were both on the same page - he'd be going on holiday with you, not acting like he's still in uni.
OP: What sort of holiday is it?
If it is skiing that I can understand him going.
If it's a booze in the sun - that's different.
You are not being unreasonable given you have only recently got back together and probably still feel a bit vulnerable.
I think if you were married and came on here posting the same about your husband going away with two female workmates the responses may have been different.
You have to trust him but it does look to be like he puts his own needs above your feelings. I'm not saying he shouldn't go but to dismiss your concerns the way he did was wrong and he should have at least tried to reassure you before he went.
If he is going to cheat he will do it whether abroad or not.
I don't think this relationship is worth investing in.
You broke up, he moved out, that's big.
Why are you clinging on? It doesn't work when you live together, and he's investing time and money in supposed mates.
Walk away. Find someone else who takes you more seriously. Also try to work out why being in any kind of relationship is better than insisting on a good one.
You can do better than this.
Personally from the little gleaned in the op.I think this would be a good thing.
A bit of trust, letting go off the slack, and a lowering of intensity seems helpful to me.
Seems to me that his view of how together you are again is different to yours.
SomethingProfound - listen to yourself.
"I have had a rocky relationship, and broke up for a month around Christmas, consequently he moved out of my house and into a house share."
The you get back together and he announces he is going on a jolly with his housemates.
I am seeing this scenario quite often on MN. A youngish man and woman living together. At first they live like students sharing a house, bills, etc. Then she starts to think a bit more like an adult, setting up home, long term committed relationship, maybe getting married and having children. Meanwhile he is still in student mode and this goes on for years.
Believe me. You are not on the same page at all. He is stringing you along and keeping his options open while enjoying the benefits of being in an uncommitted relationship.
You have only been back together 2 months and you are thinking of getting a mortgage. No way. Bin him! You deserve better and stop thinking like a doormat.
What MoreBeta said.
I would feel uncomfortable too, not thinking they would be planning to double date or anything but I agree with OP that the holiday could change the relationship -shared excitement and adventures rather than arguments over hot water and used milk cartons being put back in the fridge! If holidays didn't change things, people wouldn't warn of holiday romances being unable to survive in the cold light of Luton.
On the same page?
I don't think so Op. He called you mental when you objected to a sudden holiday appearing out of nowhere when you're supposed to be saving.
You can guarantee he'll claim someone else is paying for him, or it's practically free blah blah blah. He's presented it to you as a fait accompli. He's manipulating you making you think you're 'mental' to object.
You're both on completely different pages and this is really going nowhere fast. I think that you are to him the "she will do for now" woman.
Men like this one as well can do great harm to overall self esteem and worth and I do not think it was all that great to begin with.
What do you get out of this relationship with him?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?. This man is really a manchild who is happy to have a woman, any woman actually, looking after him. Your needs are of no real concern to him.
SomethingProfound - I think I might have missed the bit off the end of your post where he said he had actually decided not to go and instead use the money to save for a deposit and then go for a short break with you later in the year. That is what people in committed relationships do.
He is just living day to day and doing as he pleases. You are making plans for a long term future. You could not be further apart and he calls you mental for wanting something more than a casual relationship.
I am 50 now but I can just imagine the conversation with DW if I had announced when I was 30 I was going off for a few days holiday with a mate and couple of girls. It would not really have been a conversation.
You need to move on and find someone who wants what you want.
Just to get a clearer picture - the 'rocky' time in your relationship, was that over trust issues or apathy? Financial problems?
I would have thought he'd want to put his holiday money towards spending time with you, especially after a rocky patch. I'd be miffed about that. I'm less worried about the housemate thing. I think drunken shags are more likely to take place at home, if anywhere at all. I'm not convinced a holiday would skew that risk really.
*OP: What sort of holiday is it?
If it is skiing that I can understand him going.
If it's a booze in the sun - that's different.*
Don't be so ridiculous! A mixed group can go away in the sun without leaping on eachother. You sound clingy as anything.
OP - Stop being jealous and arrange your own fun.
Paxtecum didn't you see the 'Last Christmas' video? That mixed group got up to all kinds of shenanigans while they were skiing... so even skiing is potentially out of order!
I think you are being irrational about the women on holiday because A. He already lives with them and B. If it was a 'lads' holiday then he could easily hook up with some random women if he was so inclined. You either trust him, or you don't (it sounds like you don't)
It doesn't sound even slightly like you are on the same page. You are saving for a deposit, he is going on holiday. I'm with him though, if you broke up with someone only a few months ago you don't then rush into getting a mortgage.
I don't think he is doing anything 'wrong' he is just not doing what you want him to do (grow up, buy house, go on holiday with you), hence - not on the same page.
Some people seem to just want to carry out their (typical MN) male-shaming conversations about the man being a 'manchild' because he isn't doing what the complainant wants.
The poster actually said: "I'm not bothered about the holiday it is the fact he is going away with two women he has know for two months if it was lads I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest..."
She is quite literally only bothered by this because two of the holidays-makers are female - no other reason - there it is, quoted. It's patently irrational.
Are you certain this is a last minute opportunity? It wasn't arranged earlier and he's telling you it's just came up? I think, from your post, there are definitely trust issues here, not helped by the fact he's off for a few days with 2 girls in tow! He's not on the same page as you, in my opinion, though he may pretend to be. If the shoe was on the other foot, what would he say? Oh! And as for calling me 'mental' I'd have a word......
If he didn't already share a house with them then you'd have more of a case. He lives with them so I can't see the problem him going in holiday with these women.
The only issues I can see us that you both aren't going and maybe he isn't saving for a deposit. If he is saving then that's not an issue either.
If he didn't already share a house with them then you'd have more of a case.
A 'case'? FFS. Man goes on holiday without partner - get Columbo in!
Sorry for not coming back sooner, I have only just looked at the thread again since my last post.
I genuinely do not think he is stringing me along or not committed to me.
The holiday had been arranged for some time between his flat mates and another friend who dropped out which is why the opportunity was offered to my BF which he decided to take. To be clear we are not planning to start saving until we are cohabiting again, so the financial out lay for this trip has no impact on me. Moving in together again and saving for a deposit was his suggestion so I really do think we are on the same page and have the same intentions.
We broke up as I was very unhappy with other aspects of my life mainly work and let that affect my home life, and to be honest was a complete nightmare to be around. We have worked hard to get past the issues this raised and he and I really do feel we have a future.
I think Ola has hit the nail on the head I really think that I have been irrational, and since starting this thread we have had a good chat about it, he feels I'm being irrational as in his words he "has no interest in any one but me" while my BF is not perfect he is very supportive and caring I have been dealing with mental health issues (depression) and he has been a rock and really stepped up and made me a priority.
I am going to make the decision to trust him, to be fair he has never given me reason not to. I really think I have over reacted and allowed my own insecurities to take over. Thank you all for your advise and comments they have helped.
Not irrational at all, would he be happy if you went off on an unplanned jolly with two men you had only know for 2 months, doubt it, your reaction is normal and healthy, of course you'd rather he never went.
Sorry but from what you have written, you still sound unsure about your future with him and I would too, having lived together, now not but then planning to do it again. The fact you broke up because of your other stresses doesn't bode well tbh, you should be able to withstand the normal strains of life without separating, perhaps I'm wrong and this time you will both get it right. Just think, him pissing off isn't helping you feel secure after what's went on.
Oh dear OP..oh dear
You have been dealing with mental health issues and he calls you 'mental.'
I can see where you get the idea he's been a rock. An insensitive one, but if he makes you happy.......
Let him go off on his jolly holiday, and don't be around when he gets back. You can guarantee if he goes off, then future events involving foursomes will take place...all with him wide-eyed "I don't know what you're talking about - you're mental"
Wonder how he'd feel if a gfriend of yours invited you on a holiday with 2 guys?
Anyway...its not even worth the wonder. He sounds tiring.
Oh...just saw you've come back on OP. Thats ok then. Enjoy being played like a fiddle and wasting your good years on some bloke who's blinded you to seeing your own worth then.
I can't believe people don't think it's ok for someone to go on holiday with members of the opposite sex they already live with!
If I had the opportunity to go away and my bf started whining about it then I would think he was being a controlling wanker.
Me too JaceyBee - some people are very clingy and suspicious!
"Last night my BF was given a last minute opportunity to go away for a few days by his male housemate, he leaves tomorrow. It transpires that this trip also includes his two female housemates."
When was it booked? How has a last minute place come up?
If it is a last minute booking, why can't you go?
How did it "transpire that the women were going too? i.e. was he up-front with your from the start or did he try to keep that bit quiet.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and TBH, just using the term "mental" to describe you would be sufficient to say off you go, have a nice time and don't come back
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