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Xp has called social services. I'm terrified and really upset.

(54 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 14:37:56

Background - I finally left my abusive cocklodger dp I'm December. Since then I've been doing OK, he still tries to control me but I'm wise to it now and don't give in. He has been quite bad recently, turning up whenever he feels like it and it got the point where I had to change the locks because it turned out he still had a key.

He can be very jekyll and Hyde. For example, I'm still insured on his car and he offers it to me if he knows we have appointments or something. I stupidly thought he was just being nice and thinking of us for once but he then started to use it against me for more access and as a form of blackmail. I'll give you the car if you give me dd2 for the night etc, that kind of thing.

He is absolutely useless as a father. He hasn't got a clue how to fit the car seat into the car so he just doesn't bother, he can't fold the pram (9 months on, he still won't let me show him) so dd2 (9mo) just gets carried everywhere, he can't change nappies properly, hasn't a clue how to make a bottle and will not let me show him how. I have never let him have dd2 on his own. He is not capable of looking after her and I'd be too worried that it would be dangerous. He's more interested in his phone and ignores her. He doesn't want to see dd1 on his own, just dd2. Dd1 (4.10) is not his but knows him as daddy. She's very confused.

Both dds have had a sickness bug the past couple of days. The days leading up to them being ill, I was ill and really struggled on my own. I am miles away from friends and family.

He turned up out of the blue a few days ago and the house was a tip because I was ill. Dds were playing happily and I was sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas looking like death. He went off on one about the mess. I'm lazy, disgusting, an unfit mother, his daughter is suffering and he is going to have her removed. I asked him to leave and thought nothing more of it.

He text me later that evening and said he had been in touch with social services and he was going to get custody of dd2. I stupidly replied telling him I was moving to my hometown in the next few weeks (I am, but was waiting for a good moment to tell him) and that he wouldn't be getting her. My hometown is 30 mins away and I can't wait to move back. My family and friends are there, I've got a lovely house with cheap rent and I'm surrounded by parks and countryside.

He is fuming. He has told me I'm not going and that he has called the benefit fraud line and reported me. I'm not claiming fraudulently but I know from experience that they can suspend your claim until they investigate. I'm scared I'm going to be left with no money.

About an hour ago I had a phone call from a social worker letting me know they would be round about 5pm this afternoon. I'm terrified. The house is immaculate and I'm feeling better but the dcs are still ill and I'm scared they will think I've harmed them. I have no idea what xp has told them but it will all be lies because they are well looked after, clean and fed.

Any advice?

I feel sick.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 14:38:12

I'm so sorry that was longer than I thought.

penniespigsandpewter Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:07

I think ss will see past your exP's malicious lies tbh. He sounds awful. Well done for getting shot of him.

Qix Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:09

30 minutes away does not sound far enough for you to be stopped from moving, so you can relax about that I think.

I am sure the social worker will have enough experience to recognise normal childhood illnesses.

FushandChups Tue 18-Mar-14 14:43:29

SS will see that it is a fraudulent claim almost immediately i would imagine - they must deal with this all the time (what a waste of their time) but they do need to.investigate.

Don't let it worry you or set you back. You're doing really well and can see this for what it is, him desperately trying to get control back.

Hope it all goes well this afternoon

Look - I can't say for certain, because I don't know your ex - but I am willing to bet that this is all bluster and show, and he has no intention of actually going for residence - because it would mean he'd have to do the work involved.

But by throwing out the threat, he hopes to scare you into complying with what he wants - basically you've started standing up to him, and now he's got to up the ante in ever more desperate efforts to control you.

I am also sure that Social Services must be wise to this sort of thing, from cock-lodger exes, who don't really want the baby, but are just threatening their ex - and they are also human beings who understand that when Mum is ill, the house isn't going to be Anthea Turner immaculate - and that an untidy house doesn't mean neglected or abused children. They will look past that, and see two healthy, happy children, with plenty of food in the cupboards and the fridge, toys to play with, clean clothes to wear, and a safe environment to live in - I am willing to bet that, even when the house was a mess, all these things were there.

Likewise - if you aren't fiddling the benefits system, they won't be able to find any grounds for his complaints.

And the more ridiculous allegations he makes, that are later disproved, the more he will look like the unreasonable one, and will get a reputation as someone just out to make trouble for a good parent.

5OBalesofHay Tue 18-Mar-14 14:45:10

Social workers arent daft. They will see this for the load of bull that it is. Then they will ignore any future trouble making.

Twighlightsparkle Tue 18-Mar-14 14:46:16

Agree with the others, they will see through him.

Can you get some legal advice?

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 14:46:27

30 seconds please try not to worry too much, the SW will be used to malicious calls esp from exes, and it sounds as though you are doing a great job with your girls, and the SW will see that too.
Tell her/him that you are moving back to your hometown to get away from him and to be near family, I am sure she/he will be on your side, quite sure.
The benefits agency is used to malicious calls as well, fingers crossed for you that they do not suspend payment; i find it unlikely tbh.

wannaBe Tue 18-Mar-14 14:48:44

your ex won't be the first to have done this and he won't be the last, ss will have heard it all before.

Just tell her everything you've just told us.

As for moving, there's nothing he can do about it so don't let that bother you.

Does your dd1 know that he's not her bio father? because while I sympathise that it's confusing for her, if she's not his then I can see that perhaps he doesn't want to maintain that relationship esp as she is still so young. as hard as that is for her iyswim.

Sherlockholmes221b Tue 18-Mar-14 14:51:33

I also think the SS will be used to this sort of malicious misuse of their services. They are certainly not in the business of taking children away from perfectly fit parents, (they have enough to do dealing with the chaotic parenting they see on a daily basis) and will I'm sure be very happy with the conditions under which your children are living. Have you considered printing off or showing them this thread which details exactly the circumstances? Good luck with getting away from this complete bastard, things can only get better. X

KellyElly Tue 18-Mar-14 14:54:33

It will be fine OP. SS will do an initial investigation and probably nothing more. Your children will not be taken off you, nor are you a case for having a care plan by what you have said in your OP. I would insist now that all your communication with him is via email and do not engage, do not use his car etc. You need to keep evidence of any threats etc and report him to the police if he harasses you. Have no contact with him except regarding the children and if he tries to threaten/bully then just do not respond. Good luck OP. Do not let this man get you down. Just disengage as much as possible for your own mental heath.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:54:47

I would show the SW this thread.
I agree there is no way this man wants to take on the role of full time parent. Too much like hard work.
I doubt SW will be happy at having their time wasted by him.

bigbuttons Tue 18-Mar-14 14:56:01

I agree with everything said here, please don't worry. My ex did this to me too, it's horrific, I know what you're going through. Believe it or not we were still living together at the time!
Please update us and good luck x

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:58:59

ps - I used to be a HV, and I have got 3 DC.
You should have seen the state of my house when my 2 eldest had chicken Pox and I had really bad tonsillitis. My lovely GP came to visit because the baby was really poorly and I couldn't take the c.poxy ones out.

Poor woman couldn't even find a place to put her bag down blush
She didn't report me to anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 15:00:37

I'm sure you can reassure SS that he's acting maliciously and the benefit fraud threat sounds like an empty one. In a perfect world you'd be able to have the evil bugger up on some kind of criminal charge... defamation of character, wasting social workers' time, malicious reporting, slander even

Dwerf Tue 18-Mar-14 15:07:35

If you can manage to have anything approaching a tidy house when you've two kids home ill, I tip my hat to you. Mine looked like an absolute bombsite last week when both me and the kids were all off sick.

Social workers are wise to arseholian ex-partner whinges, and the more he does it, the worse he looks if he takes it further.

I bet you're doing fine and your kids are fine. And I'm pretty sure the social worker is going to think the same thing.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:11:39

I would show the social worker the threatening text messages from him if I were you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:15:29

Another one here who'se ex keeps doing this to me. He even complained to social services that I went to bed and left my daughter downstairs unattended. She was 15 at the time.

It's tedious but just comply with social services and don't engage with your ex.

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 15:16:15

yes do that, I had some threatening messages once, and then a malicious phone call to police, when the police officer arrived i simply showed him the messages and off he went, time wasted.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:17:06

arseholian - I like that grin

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:19:00

I suspect it wasn't a real social worked who called - more likely a friend put up to making the call to scare you.

They get a hell of a lot of calls. I know people who work with the SS hand in hand and there are a lot of malicious reporting that goes on. They aren't stupid and have been known to go back to the person making the accusations and tell them that they are timewasters.

They will probably want to see that the home is secure and safe, you have food in your cupboard, heating that works and don't have a pack of wildebeest pooing in your front room. They can tell the difference between a dangerous situation and a malicious ex partner.

bibliomania Tue 18-Mar-14 15:19:08

My ex has made loads of malicious complaints to SS - that dd was covered in bruises, that I wasn't looking after her properly, that I pushed her down the stairs, that I hurt her by squeezing her ribs. He has also trotted off to the police on a regular basis alleging that I'd disappeared when I was sitting at hom. His most recent thing was to call the NHS 111 number to report that he didn't like a DVD she was watching.

They will initially take it seriously, but don't worry, I can tell you that they'll get the measure of the situation very very quickly.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 15:20:16

That is a point OP.
Make sure the person who turns up has proper ID.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:24:21

my friends husband reported her to social services because she had some out of date food in the fridge grin

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:24:59

If they turn up, and are SS, be polite, answer the questions and don't get emotional. Remember - you are gobsmacked that he has reported you, amazed that they are there and embarassed for them that they have to ask you the questions.

Don't excuse him - tell them about him, don't let rip but dont sugar coat it. Don't put him down in front of the older child, and don't forget that you are well shot of him.

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 15:26:03

so your ex gave your phone number to social services did he?
i would definitely ask for ID of anyone who shows up

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:28:41

Its odd that they made an appointment so fast if they don't already have a file on the family. The SS are generally drowning in cases - I know someone who has had to call them in for children that she really thought would be beaten/starved to death (she is a teacher in a really deprived area) and they took weeks to intervene.

poorbuthappy Tue 18-Mar-14 15:28:58

Yes to checking ID properly.

tibni Tue 18-Mar-14 15:35:49

Safe and well visits in themselves are routine and SS do not expect immaculate houses and angelic children. They will want to see and meet your children and have a chat with you. Might be an idea to have cbeebies or favourite DVD to distract little ears.

Showing texts and writing down key things you want to tell them can be helpful as it is easy to forget things under pressure. Be prepared that ex couldn't have just said house is a mess but that doesn't mean SS believe him.

This is horrible for you but not unusual for SS.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 15:40:43

Look up the number of the social services in your area. You can do this easily by going on your local council website.
When the person turns up get their ID details.
Ask them to wait while you phone SS to confirm the appt.

A bone fide social worker will not have a problem with this. They will appreciate that you are safe guarding your children given that you did not initiate contact or make the appointment.

Do NOT ring any number the person gives you, just the official one from the website.

Sorry if this scares you, but you cannot be too careful.

Did the person who phoned you give their name? They should have done. If they did, you can ring up SS now and check.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 18-Mar-14 15:47:59

You must confirm this is legit first. Be calm, you have nothing to hide. You are a good mother and he is an abuser.

AdoraBell Tue 18-Mar-14 15:55:30

I'm also surprised they made an apptointment so quickly.

As other's have said, if they show up and are SWs they will see through his líes. Don't let Anyone in To your home without checking their work ID.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 16:59:44

Thanks for all the replies sorry I was tidying up and making sure everything was as it should be. I'm just waiting on them now.

I also thought it was strange regarding the quick appointment so I will definitely check id when/if someone turns up.

I really can't wait to move. I hope he gives up soon sad

TheLastNameLeft Tue 18-Mar-14 17:03:45

The quick appointment will depend on the gravity of the allegations made against you 30secs. Having worked in a referral and assessment team (and qualified for 17 years as a SW) we do not go out lightly. It sounds like your ex is being very vindictive, from what you have posted, so if this is the case please do not worry. Just be honest throughout your meeting.

I have been out to assess many families where the original allegations have been found to be nothing but vindictive, it is a complete waste of time for us (as a service) and horrifying for those poor families involved.

If I can be of any further help please PM me. Good luck and take care.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 18-Mar-14 17:17:31

OP, I have had similar experiences with XP. He has made various allegations to ss and each time, it has been investigated and found to be unsubstantiated.
SS are usually very quick to weed out these allegations but as they told me, they have to follow up every single one.
I have probably been reported to ss by XP about 15 times in total. It has never ever gone any further than a visit, a chat and a quick inspection of my house including a cursory look over dc's bedroom and bed.
I wouldn't worry about it at all.

DrewsWife Tue 18-Mar-14 17:19:35

Hoping they have been and gone by now. Try not to worry.

My ex reported me numerous times over the years. Bruises, underfed (she had a dairy intolerance) poorly... She had arthritis and dairy intolerance. She always was unwell. And sick.

And the best one... I was running a brothel!! grin his reasoning according to the social workers question was... Lots of men come in and out of your house!!! grin My two brothers, 3 male cousins and a couple of uncles. Told them that if I was running a brothel I wouldn't be the size 24 that I was then.

Don't stress about it. Stressing is exactly what he wants you to do!

wannaBe Tue 18-Mar-14 17:54:28

I am shock at the number of people whose ex's make such malicious reports. IMO making malicious allegations should be a criminal offense.

littlemisssarcastic Tue 18-Mar-14 18:08:07

I had so many allegations made against me by XP that I asked my solicitor to warn XP that since all these allegations were unsubstantiated, this was harassment.
Solicitor explained to me that allegations to ss cannot be deemed to be harassment, no matter how many times it happens.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 18:25:01

They have been and gone.

The woman was lovely, her male colleague never spoke at all confused

They had a chat about the allegations made - he is claiming I'm beating them and starving them hmm and I happily let them have a nose around the house. They weren't here long, half an hour or so and left the house satisfied that there was nothing to worry about, or that's the impression that gave. I told them about the texts and threats and they said that if the threats get serious or personal, I've to contact the police so there is a proper record of it in case it needs to be used in the future

My ex is an idiot and I'm keeping records of texts, calls, ss visits and things because he will be the one who looks like a clown when this inevitably goes to court (custody etc) at a later date.

Thank you for the reassurance I feel better now and I can relax for the rest of the evening because I've got a sparkly house wink

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 18-Mar-14 18:28:14

What a nob. Did you check their id?

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 18:31:14

Glad its over now! Keep records of everything the arsewipe says/does. Karma will sort him out.

yourehavingalaugh Tue 18-Mar-14 18:32:27

I have been through the same - ex reported me several times -,and SS checked the children's bedrooms and even their clothes. Even if my house had been a tip (it wasn't) I don't feel they would have taken it any further. They are only interested in child protection cases.

DollyTwat Tue 18-Mar-14 18:53:35

My ex reports me to SS regularly too
They know it's malicious, they have a cup of tea, chat to the dc and no further action

No idea what he gets from it, must be a control thing
Glad it all went ok op, you're a good mum and need to get far away from this fuckwit

Theoldhag Tue 18-Mar-14 19:24:55

My nasty cunt badger of an xh did the same, ss, dwp and housing, I went to the police and filed it all. If he does anything else I will take it further. It is also good to log with gp and let the dc school know what is happening. I learned to leave a paper trail so should I need it in the future it is all there.

I hope that you are ok thanks

Men like these should be imho used for vivisection.

whitesugar Tue 18-Mar-14 20:05:51

Well done for staying calm and getting through it. I second the suggestion of keeping a log of when your child sees their father and any maintenace payments made (if any). Your EXP's behaviour is sadly predictable. I would ring the DHSSPS and advise that he is making a spurious allegation relating to a fraudulent claim. I hope you will be very happy in your new home, it sounds absolutely lovely. Your DC are better off with an absent father rather than an abusive one. Move on and away from him. If he is as predictable as I suspect he won't pay a penny towards his child and will continue to make your life hell for as long as he can. I have been there and urge you to cut him out of your lives. Don't let that person wreck your life. Your future is bright grasp hold of it and enjoy your children.

Contact the police and inform them that his threats are vindictive. The more your inform the authorities the more support you get when he threatens you. Remember verbal threats are as valid as physical threats. If you have not already done so, see a solicitor to establish residency rights with your child by him. Go to the CSA and claim maintence for your child by him. I would also inform your doctor and the school. If he makes any further spurious allegations against you that SS need to investigate they will contact your doctor and the school and if they have been forwarned by you they will put it into their response to the request from SS.

If he ever deigns to pay you a penny for his child ask for it to be put into your bank account so that there is a record of any payments. As for the complaint that you are moving 30 minutes away that is ludicrous and no authority will take it seriously.

Apologies for such a long reply but I would hate you to go through the unnecessary trauma that myself and other uninformed mums went through. I wish so much that mumsnet had existed when I went through the same thing. Apart from all the above go and see a counsellor at Women's Aid or similar to get some support for yourself. You are only human and have been through a very tough time. I wish you well for the future from the bottom of my heart. Don't let that person contaminate your future. Good luck and well done for being so brave against the odds x

The male would have been the 'second' worker, and the woman was taking the lead and asking the questions. Nothing at all to worry about (I'm a social worker).

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 20:22:42

Whitesugar thanks so much for that.

Yes I will be leaving a paper trail of everything, including any maintenance payments I somehow manage to get from him.

I can't wait until all of this is over. I will always remember the support and advice I've had from this site, it's fantastic

Meatfeastpizza Tue 18-Mar-14 20:39:22

I'm afraid this will be my exes next move, he's clearly desperate to regain power and control over me, and this would be the sort of wild vindictive action he would take.

Big hugs, and definitely keep a record of everything, he's bound to fuck up at some point and give you grounds for a non molestation order or something.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 20:46:41

People who make allegations like this should be reported to the police for wasting professional people's time. While those highly trained people were at your house there will have been a child truly suffering somewhere else. Wasting resources like this is a truly shameful act, akin to making prank calls to ambulance services. It should be prosecutable. That would stop the fuckers maintaining control over their ex's by any means.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 20:47:34

Good luck, 30. You don't deserve any of this shit.

whitesugar Tue 18-Mar-14 20:49:22

It really is a pleasure 30 Secs, I know you won't believe this at the moment you have a great future ahead of you. You should allow yourself to be a little bit excited about what is ahead. Don't think you are alone because you are not and so many of us have been through it and have come out the other side. It's a tough lesson to learn but it is worth it. Next time you see this crap on the horizon you will recognise it and run a mile!

nicename Wed 19-Mar-14 06:51:10

When I was a kid the local newspaper had the equivalent of the 'naughty corner'. It was a column where it named all the local lads who had been picked up by the police for being drunk and disorderly (too many shandys and yelling too loud outside the bowling club mainly) and everyone read it to see who had been up to what. Oh, the shame if a relative was listed!

There should be a 'those making malicious allegations and wasting precious resources' column in local press.

bragmatic Wed 19-Mar-14 07:39:22

Good luck with the move. Does he drive the kids around without the carseat? That would be enough for me not to allow access. Not in a tit for tat way, but I genuinely think it's very dangerous.

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