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I as Dp to leave last night. am so upset(59 Posts)
I have 2 dds 18 and 17 who are both doing great at school got part time jobs not been to much trouble. but too me and in the home they can be disrespectful rude and lazy, a lot of this is my fault as when their df left I over compensated for his failings as a farther and let them get away with too much sometimes for a quite life.
In the summer Dp moved in after two years together he always got on ok with the dds he has a ds who is 16 but hasn't full time lived with him for years. so big adjustments
all round living with two teen girls.
but one big issue he hates the way the dds speak to me and our lazy in the home and don't help. he and dd1 have had some clashes over the way she has spoken to him, but he has mostly stayed in the background leaving it too me to sort it.
we have had many discussions how I need to get a backbone and not let the dds treat me the way they do saying that I must back him up as he is a adult and will not be spoken to like that.
I have also had dd in tears saying that he has said hurtful things to her and that I haven't backed her up.
it all came to head last night , I came in from work tired dp was cooking as it was his day off dds were just sitting watching telly no offers to help, any way dd1 couldn't find her charger so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine, (had issues with charges going missing lost ect dds just taking his from our room with out asking) dd1 blew up started shouting at him saying he was selfish and rude. he lost it really had a go at dd1 telling her had never met anyone so rude and bad manners and that she was lazy and wouldn't get on in life and her altitude is vile. it was full on shouting between them.
DD1 getting upset I couldn't handle it and told dp if he thinks like that about my dd he should leave and just to go.
Well he has, said he has enough and that all he asked of me was to back him up when needed.
I am so upset as apart from this everything was good and I love him he is thoughtful and kind and we laugh so much.
my friend in rl knew as soon as I spoke to her what the problem was as in the dds and said I should have backed him, the thing is the dd1 will most likely be off to uni this year and dd2 next and then I will be on my own, I am scared that I will resent the dds for the break up of my relationship.
He is sure that he cant go on living like this as all he asked was my back up.
Where has he gone? Welcome to blended families, it can be a nightmare. He obviously feels like you don't support him and that's shit for him, I've been there, it's not nice but at the same time, he has to cut them and you some slack, you've spoilt your girls, big deal, we all do it, it's a bit late now to start laying down new rules, all that will do will inflame and make them feel put upon. You need to reach a compromise, and the only way to do that is for you all to sit down and calmly talk together, raising issues and resolving them.
You might find it can't be resolved and this will continue, but, if they are leaving the nest soon, it might be a case of hanging on in there until they fly off.
Neither is in the wrong, and neither are you.
I've spoiled my kids too and have had the shock of seeing them through DPs eyes. We've managed to find a middle way but there have been tears all round. DP has supported me in being tougher with the kids, he's softened his attitude to them, and we muddle along OK.
I somehow felt my kids wouldn't like or love me if I was tough on them, and I am scared of confrontation and felt guilty about the family I brought them in to. I've managed to toughen up a bit with DPs help and amazingly, they do still love me!
He will be staying at a friends, he is due to stay with his son from Friday for a week any way as his ex wife is away for the week.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy for him living with us but never thought it would be this difficult, he has improved our quality of life at home he is organized and a great cook and dds knew I was a happier person since being with him.
but don't like the aspect of their behaviour being challenged I know that I could have prevented it getting this far. but really think by asking him to leave I have pushed it too far.
Lgqt that is exactly how I feel,
also their dad has let them down time and time again so I over compensated, I feel there dad has let them down so I carnt in any possible way. and by asking him to leave I put them first.
To be frank, I feel for your DP and think he is absolutely right. They are rude and disrespectful to him, start a fight because they don't get to walk all over him like they do you, and then you back them up, against him, and ask him to leave.
Plus, they are 17 and 18, so pretty much adults, yet laze around watching him make dinner without helping. And this is fine with you?
i think you were wrong to ask him to leave. your DD should not have shouted at him and he was absolutely right to defend himself. you should also have backed him up whereas what your beahviour has done is shown DD she has more power than you or him and her behaviour will not be challenged.
Er.. I sort of think you should be apologising to your dp. Your dd shouted like a banshee at your dp after he made a fairly neutral comment to your dd about something that obviously has history. Unless there is massive of background to this (which there probably is I guess), you really should have backed him up. I wouldn't live in a house where my partners 18 year old thinks it OK to kick off at me and my dp did nothing. It would be different if the child was 6. But 18. Not OK.
Woah. How can you think it's acceptable for your DD to speak to an adult like that?
I'm not surprised your DP reacted the way he did, if a 17 year old had spoken to me like that I'd have absolutely hit the roof. Sorry to be brutal but if I were him it would be game over for me, I couldn't tolerate my partner condoning such blatant disrespect and basic manners.
If you want to keep your relationship you are going to have to start (rightly) backing your DP up. Do your DDs speak to everyone in that manner or is it just him?
I think he has had a lucky escape. I don't know why some people think it is okay for their childrn to give cheek and rudeness to all and sundry. My poor brother got this in spades when he married a woman with kids. I thought parent were supposed to have a united front. Surely you could have had this with a partner/step father etc.
I know it isn't easy when someone new moves in but surely this goes beyond a bit of give and take.
You had a good guy there and let him go. Hopefully you will wise up. If he does not return I do not blame him.
Those little madams need to grow up. Not everyone will take their lip.
All over a bloody phone charger!!!!!!
To everyone else they are respectful intelligent girls, like I said both are doing A levels have part time jobs lots of friends , other parents have commented on what lovely girls they are and what a good job I did bringing them up on my own.
But I haven't have I if I let them speak to me and him the way they do and have done in the past I did get stronger with them and have backed him up on occasions but they can manipulate me by saying that I care more about him then them and shouldn't I put them first.
My mum left me when I was 16 to move in with a man and never got over the fact that she put him first swore I would never do that to dds.
He wont answer my calls at the moment I don't know what to do how to make this right.
What have your DDs said about what happened.. Surely they want to see their Mum happy?
I certainly feel very sorry for your DP. He sounds a good man and they dont come around very often. He wants to see you respected by your DDs and be respected himself.
Perhaps you need to talk to your DD's and then go to your DP with some proposals as to how to make things right including them apologising to him.
your not putting your DP over your DDs by asking them not to speak to you like they do and pull their weight around the house. i think your previous issues with your mum is clouding your judgement.
You can't make it right really. You've taken your DDs' side against him and that's entirely your prerogative but it's up to him what he wants to do next. May be that he thinks it's worth another shot provided there are some changes. May be that he wants to give it up as a bad job, take you at face value and move on. You'll just have to wait until he's ready to communicate.
C'mon now, your girls are young adults so throwing their toys at the pram just won't work anymore, or at least, shouldn't be tolerated.
Problem also is that you are soft whereas he is stricter, will always cause conflict I'm afraid.
Are they immature for their age, cos at 17 and 18 they should be able to understand the basics of manners.
I'd think he has to compromise a bit here but you will have to do most of it, it's a shame, you'll always be piggy in the middle. Again, at their ages, they should be flying off soon so there's still hope!
I cannot understand any mother who thinks it is good policy to bring up rude, lazy, spoilt children no matter what excuse.
Why weren't your girls helping to make their beds and tidy their rooms as toddlers?
Why weren't they given daily little responsibilities like emptying the dishwasher, wiping down the counters, vacuuming, polishing mirrors etc when they first started school?
Why haven't you all taken turns to cook for each other or make cups of tea for each other, basically why haven't you taught them to be kind and thoughtful?
My 8 year old and 17 year old sons and all my dds do these things as a matter of course.
I would be horrified if one of my kind and thoughtful sons ended up with a daughter like yours, rude, spoilt, selfish and disrespectful.
You are condemning your daughters to a life of marital strife of their own if they don't have basic domestic skills and basic manners. Thank god you didn't have sons! Just sitting there while someone is slaving away cooking or cleaning for them!
OMG op you need a sit down meeting with your dds and put a plan in place asap! If they go to university with zero cooking experience or cleaning experience they are going to find themselves horrifically unpopular!
OP have you spoken to your DD's about what happened? What have they said?
Thinking about it.... the only people who stand a chance of 'making this right' are your DDs. If they were to apologise to your DP for behaving like brats, promise to shape up and ask him to reconsider because his absence was making you miserable, that might have an effect. Or do you think they're enjoying the idea that they successfully chased him away and now have Indulgent Mummy all to themselves again?
By raising them to be spoiled you have let them down. Badly.
Let's hope your DDs grow up and don't destroy any relationships you have for the next 15 or 20 years or you will be very lonely.
I don't blame him for leaving and not answering your calls. He has every right to expected to be treated to and spoken to civilly in what is his home even if you don't.
I'm sorry. Your DDS are verbally abusive and think it's okay to treat people they love with disrespect and rudeness. They are comfortable manipulating you as long as it serves their ends. They don't care for your happiness as long as they are happy. Lots of horrible people are only horrible when their public image isn't up for judgement. How will they treat future partners? Because those horrible dps, littering this board- the ones with great jobs, loads of friends, perfect dps in public, who are cruel, selfish and abusive behind closed doors? The ones we all chorus LTB? Well, it's not your dp that sounds like those people, it's your dds You haven't got long left to teach them manners, respect and acceptable boundaries.
Thinks some posts are a bit harsh, the OP has effectively raised her two daughters on her own, she has been constantly complimented by others on their manners, the problem they have seems to be him, perhaps he is a bit over bearing, who knows.
Talk about OTT above.
Children are selfish by nature and at their ages the whole world will revolve around them, that does not mean they will grow up to be evil and manipulative, absolute nonsense, they will mature and realise that others also need their consideration, it's part of growing up.
Get round that table and get talking it out, it can be resolved if everyone is willing to put a bit effort in.
Of course your DDs are lovely to other people - it's at home where we are most comfortable and secure that we let the underbelly of our character show. The bottom line is, they behaved that way and you need to address it.
Thank you for your reply's, some that have hit very hard where it hurts, as the the truth hurts doesn't it.
The dds do know how to cook and do know how to clean shown them enough, I have enabled them to be lazy and disrespectful in the home. I have discussed with them that they would not be poplar living with other people if the did this.
Like I said both hold down part time jobs in customer based services and dd2 works for a charity too.
The thing is I didn't want to see how badly they acted at home or how disrespectful as it showed my own failings as their mum. My partner has witnessed this and wont tolerate it as he shouldn't have too. but by pointing it out dd1 it makes me feel like a failure.
I know that they do love me and want me to be happy and my dp does make me happy so I need to be stronger and have a back bone if I want dp in my life.
I'm where you are OP, but with my youngest DS and DP, elder DS has a fantastic relationship with him. It's so hard being the referee all the time, and never knowing whether you are saying or doing the right thing. I have no advice I'm sorry, but am following this with interest.
Thank you Jan It was just me and dds for a very long time so some big adjustments have had to be made, and he hadn't lived in a house hold with teens before. not excusing their behaviour and know that it needs to be addressed. for the sake of all our happiness. (that's if dp is willing to give it a go.)
Well you acknowledge your failings which is good, nobody is perfect, you were making up for an absent father and your mum putting a man before you is bound to cloud your judgement of what is fair and what is spoiling.
I hope you can sort it out.
I don't understand? Your dd was in the wrong bot your dp, poor guy.
I hope your DP will at least discuss what can change with you OP.
Remember this man has no experience of living with two teenage girls, that's important.
He may be a lovely man in many ways but can you explain this to me please:
"so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine," Why even mention it ? It was irrelevant. Sounds to me as if he was just trying to wind her up.
It sounds as if both parties need to grow up a little. Shouting never solved any problems.
BTW they were BOTH in the wrong in this instance.
Stop feeling like a failure and start doing something about it. Like your DP you should not be tolerating this behaviour either. You need to make some house rules and quick. If you don't address this I feel you are going to be very lonely as who in their right mind would want to be part of this scenario.
Because, ormion, his charger had been borrowed and not returned (lost) on previous occasions
But surely the nice and adult thing to do when your dd was looking for her charger, would have been to say, oh mine is on the dressing table, borrow mine and make sure you put it back! Sounds like your dp I famed the situation to me!
Should be sounds like your dp inflamed the situation.
The problem with the charger is that previously chargers have just been removed from our room, then been lost or forgotten at friends houses. dp was just saying that the charger was his charger and not hers. I think it was just months of rudeness and inconsideration had built up.
It's not too late op to call a 'family meeting', to ask them to write down what they can do to be kind and thoughtful at home, to compare notes, ask them to make suggestions, have clear rewards/consequences.
Be frank with them. If they are as nice as you say they are they will be more than happy to contribute to making a happy family life.
Once you have done that, contact your dp, tell them he was right in many respects, show him your family plan of action and go from there.
I don't understand these posters who think dc are all selfish. When they are toddlers they can be but then the whole point of parenting is to socialise them to become kind, responsible and thoughtful!
Wouldn't you want to do something about it if your dc were perceived to be lovely but behind closed doors were anything but?
That would be more worrying a legacy than anything else. Don't just be embarrassed, do something about it and if your dds are as lovely as you say they are I am sure they would be more than willing to make a positive change for the better.
I think that is just the nature of chargers tbh I have a new phone, and have never seen the charger it came with as I think my dh took it! Same with iPod chargers. It is part of being a family. I still think the helpful thing to say is here, borrow mine, not mine is on the dresser, don't touch it!
It was point scoring. And referring to a past argument. That isn't a particularly good way to promote household harmony.
Sounds like you need to talk to your DD's about their behaviour. Yes it's good that they are good students and have part time jobs and that they are politeoutside your home.
Non of this excuses their bad/rude behviour towards you and your partner. They are old enough to know that it is wrong. I bet they do know,and do not treat anyone else like this and they should treat you with the same respect.
You need to make it clear that this will no longer be tolarated by them and that from now on they will do whatever chores you decide and they will ask before taking things that either belong to you or your partner.
I'm betting if you were to take something from their room and misplaced it they would scream blue murder, yet they treat your belongings like they are nothing.
Sounds really rough.
In my (quite extensive) experience teenagers (including the older ones) can be wonderful. But they be particularly self-centered little shits. They have seen everything, know everything and everything revolves around them.
Maybe begin by reflecting upon what each of you could do to make the situation better (and this could be a guiding principle of the face2face meeting). Get it written down and exchange paperwork. Otherwise it will descend into another argument about who said/did what and laying blame. This approach might also encourage everyone (especially your girls) to recognize and take responsibility for their part in the situation.
Then get everyone round the table as jugofwildflowers suggests. It would be better if there was a neutral party to "chair" the meeting (is there a trusted family member or friend that could do this). Or do you have the finances to give professional family mediation a try?
mediation? your having a laugh... my house - my rules - dont like it your out. end of. these are 17/18yr old, they are young adults - they know the difference between right and wrong and they absolutely know they are wrong and are taking the piss. dont enable their behaviour just tell them.
Totally agree with you peggy
Maybe...but I think that "my house my rules" will probably just ratchet up the existing tension in this instance. And I don't see it how it will help the girls take responsibility for the situation...which is what they really need to do. Also, it will place all responsibility for effecting change on mum. There are ways of taking control without taking all of the burden.
OP, have you spoken to your DD's about this incident. What do they have to say?
georgina there would be no tension on my side - all the tension would be them wondering how they are going to manage once they are out on their ear if they didnt tow the line. they dont need help to take on their responsibility, they are young adults - they should manage that on their own - we know they can do it becuase they do it outside the house as OP tells us.
Thanks everyone, spoke to dd1 last night (dd2 was working will speak to her tonight) she had sent me a message in the day saying sorry, but its not me she has to be sorry too.
we discussed her attitude and how I have accommodated it for too long. she agrees that she is out of order but also that her A levels and stresses of everything she takes it out at home. I told her that it was totally unreasonable behaviour and I am not going to put up with it anymore.
Also how Dp moving in and the changers that have occurred. she says does like Dp and is pleased that I am happy, but its been a big adjustment on all parts
Spoke to Dp who is still rightly upset about the situation I think more angry with me then the the dds as I hadn't backed him up and asked him to leave when previously after many discussions I said I would.
He is coming home later this evening for a proper chat.
He is going to stay with his Son as his ex is away for the week next week so gives us all a bit of breathing space to work out a good way forward.
Not thinking its going to be easy as dds need to adjust their behaviour at home and I need to make sure that they know I wont tolerate that behaviour to me or DP.
Don't see how shoving out two young adults (kids still imo) out onto the street would help anything, I doubt any of us would actually do it when it came to it, see what you're saying, in theory, it makes sense, but, practically speaking, how the hell would you sleep at night knowing your two young girls were out there....and where exactly?
Thing is, if the girls have always been a bit rude to you, it will be hard for them to change that, even though they know they need to. I think it's more important that they show your b/f some respect, after all, he had nothing to do with bringing them up.
It won't be easy, never is with blended families but effort has to come on all parts, incl the b/f. Good luck and come back and update us.
I think this sounds very hopeful op.
When I had a sit down family meeting with my dc a few years back we wrote out a contract and had a family friend witness and sign it. This family friend thought it was such a good idea and also thought her dc could do be being more helpful and so copied the idea and did the same!
One or two times in the early days I had to wave the contract in their direction but generally speaking, they all know what they need to do to keep their side of the bargain (posters who have heard of me might know dc's allowances are tied with how kind and helpful they are so an added incentive!)
None of us have ever looked back! Dc know how hard it is to maintain a cheerful, happy, clean and tidy, and most important PEACEFUL home and we could not achieve that without everyone pitching in.
OP I dont think any of you are particularly in the wrong. Unfortunately real life being what it is though, a lot of people simply won't want to or won't be able to cope with living in the family situation you've described. Love does not always conquer all - not in reality. & if your DDs attitudes are as you say then maybe a 'live-in' relationship with DP isn't right for you. At least not until your DDs are quite a few years older.
But mistressdee the dds are 17 and 18 the 18yr old will be going away to uni this year and the dd2 most likely next year, should I put my life on hold. it will be like they rule the roost (which I have let them do for far too long)
Jugofwildflowers sounds like you got it sorted, Dp is away for a few days so going to sit with dds over the weekend and have a good long chat and implement some conditions on how all live together in our home.
They are bright girls who outside the home are fine , its just that I have let them get away with too much in the home for a long long time I accept my faults I just need them to accept theirs.
Still worth a though tt, if they girls will be away from home soon you might actually be better waiting for that to happen, you wouldn't be putting your life on hold for long and perhaps with the current situation you and your dp could just date until they do move on.
I think a few apologies are in order here, not least from a few posters on this thread. You are doing your best to bring up 2 girls to be as nice as they can be. OK they, or at least one of them, was rude to your dp BUT instead of whipping yourself round the head, you should be congratulating yourself that in the main, they are well brought up young adults. It is not OK for them to speak to your dp as they do and they should at least be offering to help.
I think a pow wow around the table this weekend is in order as you mentioned, and a few grovelling and well meant apologies too.
I was just going to suggest a family round table discussion and a contract, which you all sign, and jug just beat me to it. By all means sit the girls down this weekend and talk with them about what is reasonable ordinary behaviour to expect from everyone in their home. Then you can talk with your dp about it too. Then a round table discussion in which everyone gets to suggest things to go into a contract with you all sign would be great. Don't forget to include things like:
we will all try to talk without shouting to each other. If someone is particularly stressed however we agree that they might need more space for a while. They should make this easier by letting us know that something is worrying them, and not expect us to read their minds!
I haven't read all the replies on this, but I have experience from your dds position. Is your dp rude to them and are they frustrated by someone dictating to them? I don't think he has any right to shout at them. Did he ask them to help and they refuse?? He seems to have let pent up frustration get the better of him.
I think you did right asking him to leave. Your children need to know you will always be there for them and that your home is their home whatever happens. This doesn't mean your do is necessarily in the wrong, but more that he is not the priority regarding who gives who space.
However, they are 18 right? So adult enough to shout at an adult and also adult enough to take responsibility for the upset they have contributed to. You should sit with your dds and explain that it's a joint household and lay down your expectations for their behaviour. If they don't like it, they're old enough to move out. They should also apologise to your dp for being disrespectful.
I would ask dp to come back after you've had the chat. It's not right to sacrifice your happiness, they all need to grow up - your dp included.
But mistressdee the dds are 17 and 18 the 18yr old will be going away to uni this year and the dd2 most likely next year, should I put my life on hold. it will be like they rule the roost (which I have let them do for far too long)
No OP - I don't think you should put your life on hold. That isn't what I meant at all. I am simply saying, sometimes we have an idea about what partners should put up with but unfortunately we cannot choose their reaction to difficult circumstances. Which is really a long way of saying, if the situation gets on your man's nerves then he won't want to live in it, and there's not much you can do. That doesn't mean he won't want to be with you.
Its a double edged sword because your teens can and will go off to have their own lives when they're ready. & that could be a lonely time for you. Only you know the true dynamics of your family and how to deal with this situation.
A good friend of mine has been through almost the same thing as you. Her last LTR crashed because her son (13 at the time) made things very difficult, didnt want any man around his mum, and was so obnoxious that said man eventually left. Although it took a long while. Son would be rude, obnoxious, sulky, argumentative etc in front of anyone who visited, very embarassing to watch and hear. & mum felt she couldn't/shouldn't really say anything. Son is now 25, mum is still single. He's moved out to live with gfriend. Mum is lucky if he visits her more than once a year. & when he does..he is very 'entitled'.
Thank you for the reply's, had a weekend with just the dds, (well when they were in) DP at his sons for the week.
DD1 know she was rude but was also upset the way dp spoke to her but it had been brewing for a long time. I have asked dds to make more of a effort around the home and to think about the way they speak to me and dp.
Dp gets frustrated at the way they talk to me and the pure laziness of them in the home, and after numerous promises from me to deal with the matter is upset how I dealt with it. I have been putting my head in the sand for too long.
The dds know that it is their home and will always be they are also safe in the knowledge that I would put them first. .
But have told them that I have a right to happiness and that dp makes me happy and has brought quality's into our home that didn't exist before.
not going to say it going to be easy but in any household with teens weather it be step or not there will be issues .
but hopefully we can move forward.
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