Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've just had my DH arrest

(41 Posts)
Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 00:50:40

Just that really hmm

He assaulted me, hand over mouth, pinning me to the floor, pushed and shoved in all directions. I had to bite his hand at one point as he was suffocating.me., I've just had 2 hours of this because he wouldn't let me leave the house. I can honestly say I've never been so terrified in my life!

He was drunk and our relationship has been rocky for a while. He had mh problems and stopped taking his meds and drank.

He's never done anything like this before.. But I was right wasn't I? To phone the police? I felt like someone else having to hide the phone under the pillow as he broke the other 2 in the house to stop me.

I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't managed to so that.

My poor kids, 2 and 6 got woke up with all the noise.

I just need handholding. I feel my life has just stopped. Will he be allowed to come home?

What happens now?

Sorry I'm all over the place

Are you by yourself? You really need somebody with you, Can you ring a friend or family member?
I'm sure the police won't be letting him home tonight. Not sure about tomorrow but if you ring the police station and speak to the custody sergeant they may be able to give you some idea.

Are the kids back in bed now?

ILoveGlyfada Sun 16-Mar-14 00:53:13

Jesus how awful for you! What did the police say when they took him away?
How are the kids?

Oh and of course you were right. He was trying to hurt you and your kids need you all in one piece. His behaviour is not your responsibility to cover up.

Scarletohello Sun 16-Mar-14 00:54:05

I'm so sorry that you've had such a terrifying experience. You did the right thing by calling the police. Men like that don't respect boundaries and need a wake up call that this sort of behaviour isn't acceptable. He wouldn't do it to a stranger on the street would he ? I hope you and your kids manage to have a peaceful night.

jkklpu Sun 16-Mar-14 00:54:05

Here's a hand to hold - poor you, OP, and very well done. You have done an incredibly brave thing after a terrible experience. You should never have had to live through that, not under any circumstances. Well done for keeping your kids and yourself safe. Is there someone you can phone to come round to be with you?

ILoveGlyfada Sun 16-Mar-14 00:54:39

Also meant to say that I am glad you survived it!!

Seabright Sun 16-Mar-14 00:54:49

You were right and you were very, very brave to do it. I'm really proud that you were able to protect yourself and your children by calling the police.

Make it clear to the police that you do not want him to come home, that it would not be safe for you.

If he is mentally unstable then he needs professional help. But suffering from mental health issues does not mean that what he did was not a crime and does not mean he was not responsible for his actions.

ThePost Sun 16-Mar-14 00:55:07

Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor? Do you have any friends or family tat could come and stay with you tonight?

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 00:55:17

My kids are amazing. Ds1 is in bed watching a DVD as he can't sleep, dd2 right back to sleep.

I can't get old of anyone in rl as my family live goes away.

I'm expecting the police back as they say they'd come back for a chat once he's in the police station

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 00:56:27

A few bruises and I'm a bit bashed about but I'm fine.. I just can't believe it's happened. He's normally such a passive person, my life is normally so dull and predictable (just as I like it)

Apatite1 Sun 16-Mar-14 00:56:53

You did the right thing, big hugs! How very scary.

I don't know what your situation is with your family but I can tell you Op I would drive all night to be with one of my girls in this situation. Consider calling them anyway. You also could talk to Womens Aid. Did ds see your partner attacking you? He may need some help processing that if that is the case.

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 01:01:38

Thank you all for your messages, I just needed to offload...

He didn't see anything but I'm sure as hell he heard it... I'm so very very sorry for them

You've been very brave OP, what a terrible thing to have to go through. Look after yourself now, take deep breaths and try and think clearly about what you need to ask the police - re him coming back to the house etc.

Is there anyone you can phone tonight for support?

They will be fine OP. They will be fine because you've called the police and you are going to make sure, aren't you, that this stops now. Their dad can still be a good dad but not unless what happens tonight never ever happens again. I know this is so scary and bewildering for you but that much is very simple isn't it - that your children must never ever hear dad attacking mum again.

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 01:06:53

Yes Northern, without a shadow of a doubt that will never ever happen again...

I keep going over it in my head and when I say it out loud it sound absurd.

Jenda Sun 16-Mar-14 01:08:22

You absolutely did the right thing, I am sure the police will say the same when they come back. I'm so sorry this has happened to you

You're doing really well OP. I'm concerned about your bruising though. Is it your mouth and throat that's bruised? If you have any ice cubes you could try using those but I do wonder if it would be a good idea to get a medical opinion?

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 01:20:22

I will do thank you for your concern... The police will be back in a minute so I may drop offline

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:25:47

police will encourage you to give a statement - give one and follow through.
is this the first time this has happened? if its his first offence he might just get a caution but could be a wake up call.

if its not the first time let the police do their job. help them. dont retract your statement. let your kids see this is not acceptable. let him see that too.

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 01:33:14

Yes this is the first time and I do intend to follow through. I've just seen my face and my mouth and cheeks are all bruised.

I'm just shocked.. I'd never in a million years thought this would happen.. How could I get it so wrong.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:42:05

dont blame yourself. This is not your fault. let him feel the shame of what he has done. him. not you.

he will be out of the house for tonight - use that space to call womens aid.
are you intending to have him back?
or is the relationship over?

dont worry about being honest if its not - but the situation will alter the advice a little....

LettertoHermioneGranger Sun 16-Mar-14 02:01:41

Very well done. You did the right thing, the best thing for you and your children. You were brave to do so.

ravenAK Sun 16-Mar-14 02:09:13

well done OP. You did absolutely the right thing for yourself & your children.

Hope you get some rl support in the morning? Sorry this has happened.

saffronwblue Sun 16-Mar-14 02:30:20

Do you need medical care OP? How very brave you are!

Logg1e Sun 16-Mar-14 02:41:08

Another one wishing you well OP.

AdoraBell Sun 16-Mar-14 02:43:45

Well done for calling the police, absolutely the right thing To do.

Take Vicar's advice, give them a statement and follow through.

Take care of yourself and DCs and be kind To yourself. You didn't do this.

mmmmsleep Sun 16-Mar-14 02:46:17

well done for doing the right thing. if he held you by the throat and you have any problems swallowing or hoarse voice please do see a doctor. preferably someone trained in forensic medicine like the police surgeon but if not a&e and get photos. the reason I'm saying to see a dr if you were strangled and have any difficulties swallowing is that swelling in that area can affect your breathing and difficulty swallowing is a warning sign. they can give nebulised adrenaline and sometimes steroids in a&e to help with this if needed. sadly you won't be the first person they've seen in a&e /ER with this injury.

again well done for making that very hard call. I second the advice to call a domestic abuse charity for support. do get someone in rl to come round to support you. there is no shame in being a strong woman who has stood up to what is wrong and is teaching her children that violence is wrong.

sending hugs x

Thebluedog Sun 16-Mar-14 03:59:50

Thank you all for your kind words. Police have gone and I've given my statement. I'm off to get some sleep now as dd2 will be up in 2 hours grrrr

Lweji Sun 16-Mar-14 05:11:52

Keep being strong. You definitely did the right thing and you should take it to the last consequences. He is dangerous.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. Did the police take photos? You should be refereed to a specialist dv team.

In any case, contact WA for general advice in what to do, including safety, and local support.
Also ring ncdv for emergency injunction. He could want to return home, although he's likely to have conditions of release if he is.

Take care.
Remember you didn't cause this or have any reaponsibility about what happened. He did.
You should not be ashamed in any way. He should.

mumofone25 Sun 16-Mar-14 05:53:48

Your so brave and you definately did the right thing. Well done. Thinking of you.

GingerBlondecat Sun 16-Mar-14 06:04:15

(((((((((((((((((((((Long Hugs))))))))))))))))

newsandreviews Sun 16-Mar-14 07:48:49

Hope you are feeling okay. You absolutely 100% did the right thing. Have a lovely day with your kids

Mama1980 Sun 16-Mar-14 07:51:16

You are brave and did absolutely the right thing. I hope you and your children got some rest. Have you any real life support, someone to be with you?
Sending support and strength x

headlesslambrini Sun 16-Mar-14 08:02:03

So sorry to see this. I really hope you managed to get some sleep. You will need to make some decisions today and you need support to help you do this. Ring your family. They might live away but within an hour they will be on their way to you. You need them.

tribpot Sun 16-Mar-14 08:04:55

You really need someone with you, OP. At the very least the police should have left you details of Victim Support? If not, please try and call Women's Aid today to discuss what options are available to you in terms of some physical support.

A sustained, two-hour assault in which he cut off your escape routes could have ended in your death. Sorry to put that so bluntly, but I have a feeling in the cold light of day today you will start to doubt your own memory of what happened or start to make up justifications for what he did because the alternative is so horrifying.

He may be genuinely remorseful today, but he must not be allowed back into your house. If there are MH issues for him to address, he needs to talk to his team and get that process under way far from you. Your children desperately need to know that you, and they, are safe in their own home.

You may also want to go and have your injuries checked out today. Have the police taken photographs?

Be very kind to yourself today - try to eat, have some warm, sweet tea.

oldgrandmama Sun 16-Mar-14 08:11:45

Just come to this thread - please, OP, make sure you get photos of your injuries, also hospital/doctor's report. I hope you are seeing a doctor about the injuries - visit to A & E?

What a horribly frightening experience. I am now feeling so worried about you.

hamptoncourt Sun 16-Mar-14 14:48:11

OP when similar happened to me I was shocked that the police (women!) released XH and brought him back to the house.

They said that as he co owned it I could not stop his access unless I got an occupation/non molestation order, which I couldn't do at midnight!!!

Please speak to the police and find out what they intend to do with him.

Lweji Sun 16-Mar-14 14:52:11

If by any chance the police take him back home, just leave. Take the children and leave.

I hope you have contacted NCDV to make sure he has to stay away from you.

In any case, if he is released, be careful.

FabBakerGirl Sun 16-Mar-14 15:54:15

I really hope he did not come back to the house and you and your children are safe now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now