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DP confessed he's been lying about his feelings all along(68 Posts)
We've been together for two years. We had an (unplanned) DS who is the light of both our lives. Last night DP announced that for the last two years he has been telling me what I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy (ie that he was happy, wanted a future together, to get married, have more children).
He said he WANTED to want all of those things but doesn't (with me). He says something is "missing" but can't explain what.
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me, only occasionally misses me when we aren't together, but says he does love me.
He dumped his previous two long term partners because he didn't want to marry them. He is now almost 36....
I am stunned as I never saw this coming. He always seemed happy and was so involved with my life and my family. He was in tears but I suspect more at the prospect of missing his son, than missing me.
He's gone away for work for a fortnight (abroad) and suggested counselling when he gets back. He says he wants to make it work but can't make himself feel what he wants to feel.
He also said he has been wanting to tell me since very early on but once I got pregnant felt morally compelled to stay.
I thought he stayed with me because he wanted to be with me...
I'm just so sad for me and for our little son. I so wanted a proper stable upbringing for him, and the prospect of him spending time with separate parents in separate houses that would be hours apart fills me with horror and sadness.
I'm just so upset
What's the point of counseling? He's put his cards on the table hasn't he?
Use this time while he's away to get legal advice and consider your options.
There's either another woman involved or he's just a serial commitment-phobe.
I hope you have some good RL support.
Life is too short to settle for a man who doesn't really and truly love you.
Be strong, take the power back and leave him.
Summon all your strength, one day you will look back and be glad you did.
What Jean said.
Sorry you are going through this. Look after yourself.
OP I think this is very manipulative behaviour. I think he expects you to dance to his tune now he's given you this massive shock and dangled a tiny carrot at the end of it.
(Also, somebody's got to say it soon...).
It is sad but you both deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. He does sound like a commitmentphobe and there really isn't much point trying to change him. You could try counselling but what about your self esteem, living with a man who has told you that you don't quite do it for him? Wouldn't you just be walking on eggshells waiting for him to decide to leave again?
Why would DS end up living with parents who are hours apart though?
There is no need to be filled with horror that your DS parents won't be living together. Far better that than he is living with two thoroughly unhappy parents.
I understand your sadness for you though, you must feel terribly hurt. Keep telling yourself he isn't that special.
I was perfectly happy though...I had no idea this was coming.
No, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I want to be loved and secure.
Thank you for the virtual handholding....
You need an urgent self esteem rebuild. Have a look at this site www.baggagereclaim.co.uk which I and other Mnetters have found incredibly useful when recovering from this kind of dreadful hurt.
Poor you OP. How awful.
I have to say though, far better for your son to have separated parents than to be bought up in a situation where you are unhappy. Which after this you would be.
I would use this two weeks to get yourself together. I know its hard but you need to toughen up. I also second what Jean said. This is not the time for counselling, you need to think about where to live, money etc.
Sorry Op .
OP I really feel for you. You've obviously had a terrible shock.
But this man has spelled out how he feels. As painful as it may be, he doesn't love you and doesn't see a future with you. I really don't see how going to Relate will help with that.
I think the only thing to do is ask him to leave when he returns. Act with dignity and take back the power.
I have my own house. DP lives in London, an hr or so away, as that is where he works. He used to spend three nights/days per week down here with me and DS. So logistical issues are ahead. Not to mention heartbreak ones.
It's just so sad. I also don't see what good relationship counselling would do, as surely he's the one with issues and what he's said to me is so hurtful.
He did actually leave me once, when I was 3 months pg. I spent months after that wondering if he was going to up and leave again but he did such a good job of convincing me he came back because he wanted to be with me...
Turns out that's not why he came back at all.
Op, I'm sorry you're going through this hurt. However, it saddens me to see the bashing that blokes always get on MN & he has been honest with you (as far as we currently know). I'd suggest spend this time thinking & writing down what you want as well as working out your financial commitments etc & also arrange some counselling for ASAP on his return.
It can't do any harm to talk to someone neutral IMO & it may just be that he has some ideas that need to be thought through/discussed. At the end of it the worst scenario is likely to be that you still split but are likely to do so much more amicably.
Try to direct your emotions into something that you know you want &
leave him as a person & his feelings out of it for now, (e.g. I want me & ds in a stable loving environment & to have a mutually supportive partner etc).
If you can articulate this sort of thing leaving him as a person out of it in counselling, he may (or not), realise that he wants to be that person and at least you're showing how honesty should be valued. He is your ds father. This time will spell out your relationship for a long time to come. You don't need to make hasty decisions but mull over both outcomes & put in place coping strategies for both. Good luck x
People do this. Usually they are the sort of people who need to feel liked. They say what they think others want to hear, things then get serious and they have to continue the lie un til such a point when they can't anymore. My ex did this. I think it is a form of co-dependency. I don't really see the point in counselling. Surely a dignified exit from the relationship on your part will help preserve the parenting relationship rather than analysing feelings which could potentially cause a lot more hurt and upset?
However, it saddens me to see the bashing that blokes always get on MN & he has been honest with you
Was this the honesty when he broke up the first time, when he went back to her or for the last two years?
I'm sorry you've had such a shock OP and I'd caution you to prepare for more bad news, I'm afraid. The 'something is missing' speech is so often code for 'I've met someone else' that it's practically a cliché.
I'm sorry you've been so badly misled.
So sorry, OP. I think the advice on here is good. I grew up without my father and so did my daughter, I think we both have had good childhoods and good lives.
Your DP does sound a bit like a relationship-phobe, where the grass is always greener in the other field. I wouldn't be surprised if the next women in his life gets sick of hearing how wonderful you were.
Really the best thing is for you to end the relationship immediately I think. I'd put money on it that he's got someone else anyhow.
Sadly, I agree that there is probably someone else. He is rewriting history with, "I was never happy." Don't let him do that to you.
He's abroad now so that gives me the space...I asked him outright if there was someone else and he said no, and offered to let me check his emails, but there is an element of doubt. Not least because my ex husband cheated on me and was a good liar!
I must say DP deserves an oscar. He was fully immersed in my life and fully involved with my family. No one suspected he wasn't happy and committed. Least of all me...
How very sad and painful. Prepare yourself (if you're not already) for waves of shock as you recall (as you will) every moment when he (dishonestly) appeared to be the man you thought he was.
I'm another one who thinks it's likely there is someone else. His sudden attack of honesty is not worthy of accolade either since he's actually a very selfish individual. I also think he is a far weaker and less independent person than you are, by a long way.
Other's who advise using this next two weeks for a life without him are right. The more you can do practically whilst he's away the more emotional distance you will achieve for when he gets back and needs to make access arrangements for your DS.
It is such a blow, such a terrible shock but it is survivable. More so if you concentrate on you and your DS and let this man go off to the next pasture.
Oh sorry. And it's the script from him too - now he's got two weeks away
with OW as a single guy to see if the grass is greener.
Concentrate on you and your DS. Contact CSA and draw up a contact agreement for when he gets back.
Does he want to go to counselling alone or with you? I don't see the point if he just wants a validation of how he feels and you have to sit and listen. But I don't know really how counselling works in this situation.
Its a bit odd he has now pushed off for two weeks. That alone would upset me- he gets to take care of himself having dropped a bombshell and you get to still look after your ds and cope.
You do seem to lead quite separate lives by not living together full time already, so it won't be such a change for your ds.
Are you married? If not, you need to work out and fast, money and contact.
He wants to go with me. But I think he also needs to go alone to sort out his crippling commitment issues. This is a man who is terrified of mortgages, loans and credit cards because of the "tie" that they are.
He wants you to go along to hold his hand OP, not to work on your relationship. Essentially he isn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being an adult man in a grown up relationship.
Being terrified of taking on what everybody has to at some stage (i.e standing on your own two feet) is no reason to lead someone on for years and then drop them then the going gets a little hot.
He wants to go with me i.e. he wants you to take responsibility.
He should go alone, sort himself out.
The fact he's dropped this bombshell on you just as he buggers off abroad leaving you to stew for two weeks is cowardly at best, but I agree with PP's that he's given himself permission to be single whilst he's away so he can try out OW without being accountable to you.
Even if there's no one else involved and he's just a commitment-phobe it's still a really shitty way to behave towards you and his son. Not sure whether counselling could do much to address such horrible behaviour, in your shoes I'd seriously consider the future of your relationship especially as you don't live together.
Sorry you are having to go through this, remember any decisions you make can be made at our own pace, don't let him dictate your future.
Go to counselling, on your own.
This is a man who "plays" the family man role but never can be. I think it is interesting that he doesn't live with you full time. So his job is in London and you and ds live an hour or so away. Do people commute where you live? Why did he choose to stay in London and stay with you at weekends?
He has never been committed to you. He never will. When he comes back, tell him that the relationship is over. That he is no longer welcome to stay at yours. That he can have weekend access to your ds but not over nights for the time being. Make sure his London pad is suitable for overnight access before ds stays.
Discuss and agree financial support for your ds. Might be worth seeing a solicitor while he is away to get some advice.
Oh and if he's got keys to yours, get them back or change the locks. Bag up all his stuff, ready for collection. He has laid his cards on the table. Time for you to take some control.
I agree with Finola the way to play this is with a completely straight bat.
I'm so sorry its happened.You must be in shock however I can reassure you that as your son is young its actually easier for you both to go forwards with life.You will be happy again.
There doesn't seem much point in joint counselling if he has decided he doesn't want to continue.It will be heartbreaking for you to have hopes raised if he has no intention of continuing.If he has done this once before I encourage you to take him at his word this time.Your self esteem and health will be affected being in a relationship with a man who has mostly checked out.
somethings up. He may not have felt the spark, but he wouldnt have been with you if he didnt love or care in some ways.
But if you dont live together, he hasnt ever been comitted to this relationship, imo. He sounds like a commitmentphobe.
At least the separation will be easier in practical terms.
Branleuse I know...I know he cares and I know he loves me, just not ENOUGH. As he himself said. My mother is totally shocked and also thinks there's something else going on.
I can't see how he would have managed to fit in an OW, but I suppose where there is a will there is a way. He was in London 3 nights a week but I was always there for one of them.
I do wonder if there is someone else in that hotel with him...I have no way of finding out though.
And yes, this a huge commuter area. Masses of people take the train into London every day (including my immediate neighbour). He could have done it but didn't want to.
Agree with Finola's plan. If he's just having some sort of crisis about not wanting to be a grown up, that might shock him into realising this is real.
Loving 'not enough' is such a weaselly & cruel sentiment. Like 'I don't love you in the same way any more'. It's so insulting and demeaning. If he was honest at least you'd know where you stood.
Agree with finola- the alternative is dancing to his tunes for ages and ages.
He's self serving and cruel.
If his blatherings are true he has strung you along for the entirety of your relationship. You had a child with him under false pretences, FFS.
He doesn't love you enough?
Boo fucking hoo.
Love yourself more and tell him where to stick his lying arse.
oh and definately re the solicitor, I'm sure he's expecting to retain control over this situation, that you are taking over might scare him slightly.
FWIW, DH's old flat mate did done something similar to his DW, basically admited he got married and had a baby because it's what his family expecting him to do and it's not how he wants to live his life, no one else involved (or at least, they officially split up over a year ago and there's still no new girlfriend who might have been the OW, I'd have expected a new girlfriend who he's "just got together with" to arrive in the first few months if he had been having an affair). It's sad that so many people feel they have to 'conform' - doing what htey think is the right thing really ends up hurting far more people than if they'd just been honest with themselves/everyone else about not really wanting the main society 'ideal' for middle age.
how awful to tell you before he goes away.
and what does it say about him? would you want your child looked after by someone who you'd just dropped a bombshell on and would likely be in pieces? examine that because it tells you the level of concern and true sense of love and responsibility he feels towards his child too sadly.
he has dumped this and walked away leaving you gutted and his child in the sole care of someone he's just devastated.
i'm afraid i too would say there's someone else, either already actively involved or lined up in the wings.
If there is someone else, it seems highly unlikely that HE would be suggesting counselling ....which risks dragging out his exit we're you to actually agree to it.
hes dropped it on you so he can shag abroad with what he feels is a clear conscience
i feel for you. i think this is more about how hw feels right now, rather than how hes always felt
If it is more about how he feels for you right now and he did, in fact, love you before……then he's still lying and trying to give himself the all clear to shag someone else I think.
Well, he called me from far away land, refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.
Our little boy saw his face on the screen and was smiling and trying to touch him. It broke my heart.
I told him we had to go cold turkey and that he couldn't call me every day and pretend like we were a happy family. He wanted to skype every day to see the boy but it's too hard for me.
This is so awful
He sounds like a dick. You will be well rid.
I hope you have RL support.
What an arse, the problem isn't you - you are the constant one here. He's the one who has admitted to stringing you along and lying about his feelings, how can the problem possibly be yours???
Well done on the cold turkey suggestion, he can't have it all ways I.e. Say he doesn't want to be with you, but want you around to call everyday.
Two weeks of no contact may just highlight to him exactly what he stands to lose, but in fairness it sounds like he's had one foot out of the door since the start of you relationship, so if I was you I'd send him on his way - you really deserve more than he's offering you.
refused to go to a counsellor on his own, saying the problem was me and not him.
What the fuck! How could the problem be you? It sounds like he's changed his tune since he's arrived abroad, wasn't he somewhat more contrite during the initial conversation?
It doesn't really sound like you've ever had a full committed relationship with this man, not surprisingly given he is clearly what Bridget Jones would describe as a 'commitment phobicity nightmare'. You live in different cities. He doesn't do the daily commute from where you are because he doesn't want to, (and likewise you haven't moved your life to where he is either, although I would assume cost had quite a bearing on that?). He drops this bombshell on you at the perfect time to sod off abroad to have a two week pity party, leaving you reeling and unable to get answers.
Plus he has form for this. How long were his previous relationships where he eventually called it quits because he didn't want to get married?
Why would he need to see your ds every day from abroad when he can't be arsed seeing him every day whilst in the UK? Do you Skype every day whilst he's in London?
There's no reason why he can't remain a part of ds' life if he chooses to - given ds is used to him not being around all week the difference may not be that huge.
Chin up and definitely don't do daily Skypings to assuage his guilt. Let him stew.
I couldn't move to London because my business is based here. He knew that from the beginning. He can work from anywhere really so could have left London at any time.
He does facetime/skype normally from London to see me and the boy.
But no, he can jolly well stew now.
Oh right, so he's not even tied to an office in London? Sounds like he preferred having his cake and eating it (family life part-time, bachelor life part-time) and knew there was a time limit that he could keep stringing you along on 3 days a week.
When he left you during the pregnancy, did you have to beg him to come back? I wonder if that's what he wants/expects this time as well.
I would take him at face value and gather as much information as you can. He gets home to a letter about maintenance and access.
Yeah, it's the script again isn't it .
Well, as other's have said, get your ducks lined up. No getting into post mortems with him, cry on a mate's shoulder if you have to, come here etc etc. Sorry OP, it's shite, I know.
eh??? So it's suddenly all about you..
You poor thing OP. What a headfuck
Look after yourself, lovely. Get into counselling, too, to work your way through this. You can't have his drivvle as the only thing going on in your head xxx
Right, so the reason you are splitting up is that he's been lying to you about his feelings for years, yet he thinks that rather than him being the one with the problem, it's you?
Lord, get rid. Properly get rid.
And definately book a solicitor appointment next week, get stuff sorted ASAP.
csa quick before they start charging.
call and give them all of his and your details and it will be underway.
his audacity as saying you are the problem is jaw dropping. allegedly he's 'gone along' with a relationship and having a child for two years whilst never really feeling enough and YOU'RE the problem? h'ok then mate
Ah, it's your fault.
Up until that, given the other stuff I might have said he was "just" commitment shy.
But - blaming it on you could very well mean someone else. Of course he would have time - you don't even live together full time.
OP, he sounds like an utter shit, and all the worse because he's hidden it so well, I'm sorry.
But really... He's shown his commitment previously, opting to stay in London an hour away - from his son that he supposedly loves so much? Just an hour each way...
See a solicitor. Tell him to fuck off. And then let him come down for contact time. No meeting halfway - seriously, it's not far. He can easily use the same hotel locally every other weekend and one night in the week, as his job is flexible.
The daily call is classic dog in the manger behavior. It enables him to check no other man is moving in on his turf .
Use the fortnight to go see a solicitor and find out where you stand re contact/maintenance for the child etc. Get a plan in your own head together for how you intend to be a single parent, and a single woman.
When he gets back then a few mediation sessions to sort out contact with his child going forward might be sensible.
However there is no point at all in going to a relationship councilor for a relationship where one party does not WANT to be committed to the other - that's just him looking to justify his own cowardly
behavior. Call him out on that, and make him OWN his actions.
Oddly enough the more independent you are at this stage and the more yu show that actually neither you nor your child need him in any way shape or form then I think the more likely he is to see the light long term and go get himself the professional help he so obviously needs.
I see. So now its your fault. As if!
Don't worry about that. Its rubbish and you know it. Sort out what you need, try to get angry for your ds, if not you, and get finances sorted out.
And contact- well, let him do the commute. Not you. Don't revolve your and your ds life round this man and his whims. It won't suit you further down the line, ie in winter when its cold and raining and you have a narky child to cope with- and what are you supposed to do whilst he's playing dad and then hands you a tired child to take home?
Start as you mean to go on. Its better for your ds and better for you.
Twat. Anyway, go nc these two weeks. He clearly made other arrangements so he can hardly complain. See solicitors, get your ducks in a row and talk to rl family and friends. About the future though, not the past. Time for that after.
He knew he was going to do it, so don't be wrong footed.
I have emailed my solicitor today...
I am still engulfed by waves of sadness. It is so unbelievably hurtful to think he was never happy. He took me to dinner with his friends just three days before he ended it. Why?
I have no doubt that the timing of ending it and then jumping on a plane was carefully planned.
His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's.
Don't take yourself down that road. You want to believe that his sudden change of character is something out of his control - a nervous breakdown, a - what? sudden onset of Aspergers? That doesn't happen.
The most common reason on MN threads for a sudden, inexplicable and complete shift in personality is the arrival of an OW, and the need to deconstruct the past to justify an affair. In this case, though, he's already been living as if he were more of a friend with benefits than a partner, but it doesn't make it impossible that an OW has had enough of the half-life. Or, as I mentioned before, he knows there's an expiry date on your acceptance of the same half-life.
He's responsible for his own feelings. But as best you can you need to stop letting him get under your skin. Why would you believe he was never happy? Because he said so? He also said it was all your fault - which is clearly bollocks. If you must give any thoughts to the words that come out of his mouth right now, you must treat each one with scepticism and look for a hidden motive.
I agree with tribpot, don't believe him when he says he has been unhappy all this time, he hasn't. And do be prepared for a new girlfriend "who he has just met" to appear very soon.
I don't think he has anything wrong with him except he is attempting to minimise why he is leaving to himself.
Frankly, its insulting to you he felt morally obliged in the beginning and had the balls to tell you that. If his morals were that great he wouldn't have led you on and let you exist in a bubble of contentment and hope for the future.
Keep sorting things out to the benefit of you and your ds, and when he comes back try very hard not to want to patch up and stay together. Present what's going to happen next to him. If he wants to try again, you don't have to rush into it.
Have you got rl support?
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me
Now I don't think there was any call for that. I can understand - just - how people get cold feet and duck out of a relationship early on and if there's an unplanned pregnancy, well that could put a lot of strain on a relationship.
He's working away and you only saw him three three nights/days per week so hardly suffocating by many people's standards.
I think he's gone for good and at best was only half invested in this from the time he came back after leaving you three months' pregnant.
I am not 'bashing' this man just saying how I see it.
Good luck OP and get the financial side of things sorted out for your DS.
Dignity is your friend here.
Tell him to jog right on.
No counselling. No Skype every day. No playing happy families.
Devastating. That bastard deserves nothing from you from now on. He misled you and lied through his teeth.
Please, go and see a therapist to feel better about yourself.
You are not to blame.
Yup I have good RL support from family. I haven't told friends yet...
My self esteem is pretty low right now, I must say.
Tell your friends. It will help, honestly.
"His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's"
Please do not bring AS into this; that statement shows no knowledge re AS. AS does not equal emotionally abusive or lack of empathy.
You also cannot ever assume he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum so scratch off that as of now. AS does not equal abusive. Lack of empathy can instead be indicative of narcissism which is something else entirely.
Look at this person's relationship history; it is chequered to say the very least. He has lied through his teeth throughout; how such people sleep at night I do not know. He remains self serving and cruel.
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