Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you still love your first love?

(92 Posts)
Crawling1 Fri 07-Mar-14 09:19:06

My first love was very abusive but last night I had a dream about sleeping with him it was a pleasant dream. I'm just wondering if others still have feelings for past loves?

Hassled Fri 07-Mar-14 09:21:22

I think you can feelings for the person you thought he was when you first fell in love - so nostalgic, pleasant memories of a particular time in your life, rather than the actual person, IYSWIM.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 07-Mar-14 09:22:15

Yes of course: there were good times, a connection. Those were real too. It doesn't change the fact that overall these men were abusive and awful to us for their own reasons. But there was good with the bad, and that's part of your history too. Don't beat yourself up over it - as long as you're confident that you made the right decision and are in a better place now, it's just a bit of nostalgia.

Nocomet Fri 07-Mar-14 09:23:02

I'm married to mine, which is very nice, but it makes a crappy love song.

Beastofburden Fri 07-Mar-14 09:25:07

We went to one another's weddings, we are still great friends, I don't see him often enough. Don't love him in the same way, more like a brother these days.

MorrisZapp Fri 07-Mar-14 09:26:20

Yes I still care for (and fancy) all my significant exes. I think that's normal to be honest.

It's funny that I still fancy the gorgeous, lushly haired nineteen year old I fell so crazily in love with half a century ago... Chances are he's now bald, knackered and has a belly on him. But not in my mind, where the past is held forever golden.

cookielove Fri 07-Mar-14 09:30:48

I think of him fondly, but I don't love him. Sometimes think about what could have happened but not very often!

BarbarianMum Fri 07-Mar-14 09:35:49

God no!

He was awful (in retrospect). Not abusive at all just selfish and immature (we were 18 so perhaps that's not as damning as it sounds).

I really admire people who are fond of their exes. My tastes have changed dramatically - I look back at previous partners (bar the one before dh, who I'm still friends with) and shudder.

Damnautocorrect Fri 07-Mar-14 09:38:09

Yes, think about him most days. But not the ones after, quite frankly they were idiots

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Fri 07-Mar-14 10:09:07

I am hoping never to meet him again. He was lovely and I was too young and stupid to know what I had. I treated him badly and I do regret it. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I hadn't been such a knob - even though I'm very happy now.

I would also like the chance to apologise - but it's all so long ago now.

CuntyBunty Fri 07-Mar-14 10:10:33

Ha ha ha. No.

BlessedAssurance Fri 07-Mar-14 10:26:15

Absolutely

BlessedAssurance Fri 07-Mar-14 10:27:21

As a brother though

ElleDubloo Fri 07-Mar-14 10:34:16

No I don't love him anymore. I don't think I loved him enough in the first place, but it's hard to be objective when you're in the middle of a relationship.

SelectAUserName Fri 07-Mar-14 10:36:57

Yes. Reader, I married him.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Fri 07-Mar-14 10:40:52

I married my first love too. Only we both went round the houses and only properly got together in our thirties.

comicsansisevil Fri 07-Mar-14 10:43:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cookiepants Fri 07-Mar-14 10:43:26

Yep, married him too grin

WhateverTrevor83 Fri 07-Mar-14 10:47:46

OP given the DP was abusive it's probably (the dream) more to do with looking back at your youth.

FWIW - Other than wondering what he's up to every now and then, no. But he was a bit of a loser to be fair blush

MadBusLady Fri 07-Mar-14 10:47:47

Good grief no. Perfectly nice bloke and nothing wrong with the relationship but we were basically children most of the time (14 through to 17). I've changed so much and continue to change - one person through the whole of life would never work for me.

TheVictorian Fri 07-Mar-14 10:51:20

Indeed. As pointless as it is (unless they split and she decides she wants me) , shes now married with one ds whos 2yrs old and another baby on the way.

middlethird Fri 07-Mar-14 11:00:36

I am I think... and I always will be. He is excellent. I am very happy for him and his wife and kids (I love his wife too, kids amazing).

I don't WANT him though. I have a DH I am completely in love with...

wonkylegs Fri 07-Mar-14 11:04:23

I love my first love but now as a very good friend. We have a wealth of shared experience and we tackled some massive issues together that shaped both of our lives. Neither of us 'fancy' each other anymore nor have romantic feelings but I'm glad he is still part of my life as he means an awful lot to me. We have both moved on to our respective spouses many years ago and are very happy.

DrankSangriaInThePark Fri 07-Mar-14 11:07:02

What Morris said.
Except I always imagine mine to be making up for his bald egg by having a ginormous moustache.

cafesociety Fri 07-Mar-14 11:15:52

Yes. A shame it wasn't mutual.

sillymillyb Fri 07-Mar-14 11:20:02

Yes and no! He died recently and I was unexpectedly devastated - It really surprised me how much it affected me.

I think it was the lost potential (he was an alcoholic who died at 37) and the fact that when we had been together he was essentially an inherently good person, who made really awful choices.

I loved the person he was inside, rather than what he became.

MadBusLady Fri 07-Mar-14 11:25:03

Sorry to hear that silly milly, that must have been awful. Maybe part of it was the sheer shock of one of your peer group dying too. Someone I was at university with died unexpectedly a few years ago, it knocked me out of all proportion to how well I'd actually known him.

CrazyOldCatLady Fri 07-Mar-14 11:27:34

Yes.

GuineaPigGaiters Fri 07-Mar-14 11:33:31

I think your first love is so intense because you have never experienced feeling like that before that a part of you remains attached always. I do sometimes reflect on how simple and pure and honest that first love was (although of course at the time it was engulfed in teenage angst!) and how no other relationship has had that purity. It does make me nostalgic.

I'm very certain that if we met today I'd still feel a flutter of excitement, and some pangs of longing for the feelings my 17 year old self felt...but as we chatted I'm equally sure I'd realise I ultimately have a better partner now. Love like that just doesn't exist in the real world once responsibilities and drudgery and childcare come into play...that's probably why so many people look back on it so wistfully! smile

onlyjoking Fri 07-Mar-14 11:33:37

I will always love my DH father to my teenagers, he died almost six years ago, and he is still very much in our hearts and minds.
I now have a fiancé I love him just as much.

rosiesarered Fri 07-Mar-14 11:38:49

Yes i still love my first love i think i always will. I think the feeling is mutual but he's far away and we're friends now, i don't think i could risk that for a chance it would work between us, the thought of not having him in my life at all breaks my heart

rosiesarered Fri 07-Mar-14 11:40:54

I dream about him about once a week, sometimes more

pinkbear82 Fri 07-Mar-14 11:46:37

I don't know it I'd say it's still love, but I am glad he is happy. I like to think back sometimes and remember things we did, 10 years is a long time with someone, and a lot of my firsts were with him, house etc. he was my best friend, and sometimes, like recently when my gran died, I missed not being able to share things with him. Which is probably silly.

However, my now DP makes me happy and we have a beautiful dd who I adore. And things have changed a lot for me.

I'd be sad if I couldn't look back on things fondly even the breakup. Hated it at the time, but for both of us it was the right thing.

Cantironwontiron Fri 07-Mar-14 12:24:41

Yes he's 'the one that got away'.

bragmatic Fri 07-Mar-14 12:36:24

I think people can be in love with the idea of their first love.

smoothieooo Fri 07-Mar-14 12:39:04

No. In fact I had coffee with my first love last year and he wanted to try again (after almost 30 years apart). Absolutely lovely bloke but ... just no. Shallow it almost certainly is but time has not been kind wink

flipchart Fri 07-Mar-14 12:39:11

No. Mine was a first love where I moved to a different county to bewith him. We set up home ( I was 18). He started seeing someone else. It was a messy split. I missed him ever day for a couple of years and my friends were concerned about me. This is 25 years ago.

Before Christmas I saw him. ( he didn't see me) he is playing in a band and they were in the town next to my town. He is still with the woman he had the affair with and now married with grown up kids.

I didn't feel a thing when I saw him except a fleeting moment of curiosity on had we had all aged.

maras2 Fri 07-Mar-14 12:42:19

Yes . Very much . We've been together for 45 years and I still adore him . He's 64 today and we're spending it looking after 2 of our DGC's ; 1 pre schooler and the other 4 year old who's school has a teacher training day today .

mateysmum Fri 07-Mar-14 12:50:30

Still love him even though we were never lovers. I see him at reunions about once every 10years with his wife of 25 years who I know and like, but he always hugs me and I know that we still share a bond of shared experience and affection. Nobody else will ever have quite that place in my life.

Kaluki Fri 07-Mar-14 12:58:54

No. I don't love him anymore. I'm a bit curious about what has happened to him but I don't really want to find out as I doubt he had a happy ending sad
My dc's father is my second love and I feel more sisterly towards him now.
There is only one ex I still have feelings for and probably always will. He has emigrated now and is married with kids but he told a mutual friend that I was 'The One' and he will always love me sad

I8toys Fri 07-Mar-14 13:10:50

God no we were both kids really and he was a bit of a dick. I class DH as my one true soul mate.

LindaMcCartneySausage Fri 07-Mar-14 13:48:42

Sort of, yes. We didn't fall out of love - he moved overseas, I couldn't/didn't follow (right decision, but it was a sad rather than a hurtful break up). together 5 years and he was lovely to me.

Funnily enough, I dream of him quite often. Sometimes the sort of dreams to make you blush. I haven't seen him in 10 years though. He's still overseas and (apparently) v successful, happily married with kids and he stays in very occasional email Facebook contact. He still looks pretty good wink

His DM died recently (he is close to his family) and I was very surprised that he emailed me the next day to tell me she had passed away. A long personal email - not a round robin. I wouldn't have thought I ever crossed his mind especially at a very difficult time, but maybe I do.

jayho Fri 07-Mar-14 18:21:09

Yes, but probably because he died in an accident when we were 17.

tilliebob Fri 07-Mar-14 18:28:19

I'm married to mine too.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 18:33:56

No, but I have very fond memories of our time together. We went out as teens for three years. I ended it when I went to Uni and met my DH. My relationship with my 'first love' made my teen years really happy and fun.
I've been with DH for 32 years and have never looked back.

ViviDeBeauvoir Fri 07-Mar-14 18:46:49

No!

He is not my cup of tea now at all. He's very happy with his partner who seems a great match for him.

On the other hand I do have a 'one who got away' and feel quite sad about that but not regretful.

teaandthorazine Fri 07-Mar-14 18:58:14

No. It took me a long time to get over him, and the relationship had a lasting effect on me (mostly in a good way), but still love him? Nope, water under the bridge now. I regretted leaving him at the time, but now I know we wouldn't have lasted anyway. I've not seen him for the greater part of ten years, and I think of him fondly, rather than wistfully.

I thought for a long time that he was the 'one that got away', but then I met dp and I realised what love really feels like. This one is for keeps.

Diagonally Fri 07-Mar-14 19:35:07

No!

Nor my second, third, fourth or fifth.

Still miss number 6 very occasionally.

Ready for number seven now smile

AuntieBrenda Fri 07-Mar-14 19:55:59

Not my first, it was a horrible and sbusive relationship. Second, yes. I think of him as the one who got away. I haven't seen him for a couple of years now although we do keep in touch on Facebook. If I met up with him, I don't know if I'd trust myself. I
Married now and my DH is a much better partner.

BuggersMuddle Fri 07-Mar-14 20:02:14

Yes but differently. DP and I are good friends with both him and his wife. He is and was a lovely person, but we were young and probably not perfectly suited in retrospect although we appeared to be at the time.

OhTheDrama Fri 07-Mar-14 20:26:12

I think about him often and wonder how life turned out for him, I haven't seen him in 13 years. I don't have feelings for him now but he broke my heart and that has shaped part of who I am and how I've dealt with subsequent relationships. I learned an awful lot from it and even though it wasn't a good outcome at the time, I have taken something useful away from it.

I have been with DH 14 years and can't imagine being with anyone else, he's treated me with so much love and respect from the beginning, something that was sadly lacking in other relationships. I know I mean the world to him which is a lovely feeling.

Ludways Fri 07-Mar-14 20:32:23

Think of some of my exes very fondly, I'm friends with a few on fb. One I wouldn't piss on it he was on fire!

No, not at all, despite being miserable for ages after we split.

He had a heart attack a while back and while I was sad, I felt sorrier for his lovely wife as he has cheated on her pretty much constantly. She is way too good for him and is now stuck in nurse mode (we are in touch).

shakinstevenslovechild Fri 07-Mar-14 20:38:37

I still love my first love, and I always will.

He and I went through something so awful together that we will always have a very special connection.

Sadly we were a really, really, rubbish couple, but we make excellent friends though.

fluffyraggies Fri 07-Mar-14 20:47:01

I love the memories of the time in my life he shared and the age i was. 16/17 and free as a bird and yet bound so tight by my own insecurities. I remember endless warm summer nights in London with him. The pubs and clubs. It wasn't really love, of course, but it was the first time i felt anything like that for anyone. And i'll never forget it.

24 years later (and a failed 17 year marriage later) i have found my first real true love, and am married to a man i am utterly crazy about smile

halfwildlingwoman Fri 07-Mar-14 21:29:13

Yes, but he's my best friend and surrogate brother now. We have a strong connection, but we would have been terrible long term, he is a difficult man to make happy. I would have had to manage him and play second fiddle to his career. DP is easy-going and suits me much better.

Daisypops Fri 07-Mar-14 21:33:21

Yes. I will always love him. I think about him daily. The connection we had was amazing in every way. He still loves me too apparently :-(

jesy Fri 07-Mar-14 21:43:57

Always will , it was his 30th today and it hurt not being th here

WhateverTrevor83 Fri 07-Mar-14 22:20:07

Ooh daisy it's never too late: life's too short x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 06:38:20

Yes I do. We're both getting on a bit, he's married with almost grown-up kids and, when we met recently, there was definitely a lot of residual affection and 'what might have beens'. It's a tricky one because I don't think we could ever be just friends. <sigh>

No not at all. Lovely bloke and all that, remembered fondly, friends on fb but very different lives and no real connection.

DrankSangriaInThePark Sat 08-Mar-14 06:58:52

Coming back to this slightly less flippantly......he wasn't my first love, but my second. And even my MN user name relates to him. Because once we did. smile Almost 30 yrs ago. A couple of years ago I had news of him through a mutual friend (FB again, damn the thing wink) and found out life didn't really turn out for him like it has for me.

That made me want to get on a plane and go and find him. Which would rock so many worlds.

But there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about him, and I know that one day I will see him again. Because I have to.

Daisy, if the feelings are mutual, can I ask why you aren't together?

DulcetMoans Sat 08-Mar-14 07:18:04

Mines snoring next to me. Still love him!

TDada Sat 08-Mar-14 07:24:18

No. Can be nostalgic at times but wouldn't swap DW and DCs

SuckingGin Sat 08-Mar-14 07:44:05

My First love? Oh hell NO!

He turned out to be a huge cheating asshat who wet his dick in any vaguely attractive woman who would give him the time of day. That pretty much killed any mushy feelings I had for him stone dead when I found out.

I hadn't seen him in a decade when I came across him as a friend of a friend on FB last year, and I just brayed with laughter. I barely recognised him, as he is not a man who has aged like a fine wine... more like a loaf of cheap bread - white and flabby with random hair - and singularly unappealing. He used to be pretty, but I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole these days, so I can't imagine he attracts all that many ladies these days grin

ormirian Sat 08-Mar-14 08:55:53

I am married to him. Been with him for 32 years. Not my first or only lover, but he was my first and only real love.

Riddo Sat 08-Mar-14 09:00:58

Yes, he died 25 years ago when we'd been married for 6 months. It was a traffic accident.

I really do love DH2 but will also always love my first love.

Blaineisnotanappliance Sat 08-Mar-14 09:08:29

Yes. It took me years to get over him. I have never felt for my dh what I felt for him which is ridiculous as I was 18 at the time and it was all very silly and immature. I have fb stalked his wife-she is the girl he started going out with right after mesad

TDada Sat 08-Mar-14 19:40:21

Very Sorry to hear Riddo

MirandaWest Sat 08-Mar-14 19:42:30

No. I did love him, and we got married and had children. My love for him was going slowly and then got swiftly extinguished.

I married mine grin We were childhood sweethearts, seperated several times and then got together for good in our early 20's. This year we celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and 20 years since the day we met!

FabBakerGirl Sat 08-Mar-14 19:51:35

A few months ago I would have said yes but now I have realised it isn't love I still feel for him but it is far to complicated. He is not so happily married with a child. I am happily married with a few small people. He is still hot and he still feels the same about me. Tough though.

MarshaBrady Sat 08-Mar-14 19:52:57

It took me ages to get over him then even longer to stop having dreams about bumping into him again.

But life would have been difficult, he works in far flung places and speaks 6 languages. I would have felt like a spare part and I only speak English.

SecretWitch Sat 08-Mar-14 19:56:55

My first husband was my first love. I have never loved anyone so intensely. We understood each other. I felt that we would be together forever. Our divorce was devastating. We have children together so we will always share a connection.

I love my second husband and in a stronger, truer, more realistic way.

angeltulips Sat 08-Mar-14 20:00:44

No, the way we broke up & subsequent conversations actually meant I lost respect for him, and I can't love someone I don't respect. I still think he's ok & we can happily have a chat (same group of friends from school so see him from time to time) but I certainly don't love him and in fact am very glad I left him as we turned out to be fundamentally different people.

bishbashboosh Sat 08-Mar-14 20:02:23

Yes of course I do,he's my husband wink almost 20 years on smile

jetSTAR Sat 08-Mar-14 20:10:24

Ditto Blaine
Still have dreams about him too blush

myroomisatip Sat 08-Mar-14 21:31:21

Yes I do... Very much.

My mother made me promise not to see him as he was 2 1/2 years older. She was convinced I would get pregnant. sad

He was very special, very popular and absolutely gorgeous and shy with it. I am sad that she had such a low opinion of me and of him.

He went on to marry someone else but sadly died in an accident. He did not get the chance to be a Dad and I think he would have been a great Dad. I am not sure I could have coped with losing him like that, if he had been my DH.

I just hope that I get a chance to see him again somehow. It would just suck if it all ends when we die. I would be seriously fucked off about that.

I was all ready to come on with a resounding "no, hate the cunt, wish him every misfortune in the world."
But thinking back, he (the one I was thinking of) was my number two. A two year relationship of vileness. There was one before.

We were 17, families old friends, we just kind of came together in a big whoop of feelings! (Drinking wine, can't express better!) we went to the cinema, shopping, walks, etc.... But we were both so awkward about sex. We both wanted it, no doubt there. However (sorry for the negative tone now) I'd been raped two years before and was in an absolute state of chaos mentally about my body, sex, everything. Never told anyone - small village community, culprit was family friend, much older, more credible, etc. With this lovely guy, I clammed up and froze. He was lovely, but in the end he broke up with me and started seeing someone else, who he's now married to.

I know he thinks about me sometimes as he sends the odd FB message. His wife is a lovely woman though, and I genuinely wish them the best. But I do often think how life would have been different if I'd married him. Bleurgh. sad

WitchWay Sat 08-Mar-14 23:18:55

He died. We had an affair 15 years after splitting up. Pretty awful for everyone involved. He was found dead in a hotel room soon after with a plastic bag on his head - always was a bit sexually weird

wadi1983 Sat 08-Mar-14 23:28:47

Yes - Ricki!!

Would love to see him again!!! sad

Estrellita Sun 09-Mar-14 01:31:33

No, no no! We were childhood friends and together on and off from ages 13-19. At the time, I thought that what we had was amazing, rare, passionate, special. Turned out he was also playing the whole Romeo & Juliet game with an assortment of other girlfriends. We were all the love of his life apparently. Amazing feats of deception from a teenage boy there. He's still living in the boring town where we grew up and is now on his 4th wife...

Wrapdress Sun 09-Mar-14 03:17:49

No. Yuck. Alcoholic and all the crap that surrounds that. No regrets though. I can spot an alcoholic a mile away and have never been involved with one since. I can tell on Date Number One if drinking is a problem for a man.

Innogen Sun 09-Mar-14 03:24:15

No not at all. I was fed up of him by the time we split. Didn't mourn at all.

Still have deep feelings for my second love. Mixed ones.

Zipadeedoodaa Mon 10-Mar-14 00:29:46

My first love, oh gosh, this is sooooo sad.

We were friends from 11 at school and started dating in secret when we were about 15 and a half. We went public after three months as we knew that our friends would not react well, my BF absolutely hated him. He was absolutely lovely, spitting image of Steve Backshall and very well hung (I thought all men would be like that). He was my first in every sense of the word and we split up after 9 months as he was told (and believed unfortunately) by my "BF" that on NYE at a party I had slept with someone at a party, when actually it had been her. I had actually been babysitting three year old twins for my neighbours and was not even at the sodding party.

The truth came out two weeks after we split up, but we never got back together again. In actual fact he never spoke to me, he would look at me but never talk to me. Sixteen year old me just assumed that he still believed I had cheated so just ignored him.

Anyhow, we left school and he joined the Army, but the weekend before he left for basic he gatecrashed my birthday party and on the day he joined up he turned up at sixth form asking for a lift to the station (I had just past my driving test). He said nothing in the car whatsoever, got out the car and said nothing and didn't even look back I was devastated. I cried for weeks,

Well, we got in contact through Friends Reunited in 2002. Met up and he was adamant that he had written to me from the Army, how he had always loved me. I had left the my home town quite young and not kept in touch with anyone and he had tried to find where I was. Ashamed to say that I did not believe him (I had just been dumped by an abusive ex and had four children under four, so I was very emotional) I thought I was being played. He started crying in front of me, telling me that he had always tried to find me (I had left the area) and confessing to sleeping with my ex-BF sometimes when he was on leave the first couple of years he was in the Army. I was so angry because I had seen her, been on holiday with her and she had never told me.

Well, we have never got in contact again after that night, and exactly a year after we met up he got married to the sister of his best friend and now has children. I found her on FB and she is the very similar to me it is quite startling.

So anyway, a couple of years later (I was still single mum at this point) I was at my Mums house and going through an old bureau in the garage looking for childhood photos and found a bundle of letters in a brown envelope from him that she had never given me. First one is dated the week after I dropped him at the station....

They are upstairs in my wardrobe, I have never opened them and I never will.....

SueEllenShotJR Mon 10-Mar-14 02:04:27

Wow, what a story Zipadee!

I haven't seen mine for 20 years but I often wonder what it would be like.

DaleyBump Mon 10-Mar-14 02:12:07

Yet. I got with him when I was 14. We are now married with a baby son. Don't know what I would do without him.

DaleyBump Mon 10-Mar-14 02:21:49

Yes, even.

callmekitten Mon 10-Mar-14 02:32:03

I still love him but not in a romantic way. We got in touch with each other about 5 years after we split up. the connection was still there, the comfortableness (if that's a word) but it really showed me that my romantic feelings were misplaced.

We're still friends,he and DH get along well, no temptation at all.

Thumbwitch Mon 10-Mar-14 02:41:41

Nope.
Still despise him after the way he left me. No desire to see or speak to him ever again.

IsSpringSprangedYet Mon 10-Mar-14 02:46:03

I think of him sometimes and wonder what would have been, but don't love him at all any more. He had just come out of an 8 year relationship and wasn't quite ready to commit to me or the 4 others he was shagging too. I was smitten though, and very naive. Then he emigrated to the other side of the world. We facebooked for a bit after, on and off, and he apologised for being a dick. Last message was at least 6 years ago.

I met my husband very shortly after smile

Brabra Mon 10-Mar-14 03:00:14

No. He is absolutely gorgeous and we are great friends, but I don't love him. I love the memories we made and think back fondly, but we moved on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now