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I know it is none of my business and I would never say it, but its upsetting me.

(51 Posts)
iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:31:09

I am fully aware that this is none of my business and so obviously I would never dream of saying this to anyone, so I have just come here to vent.

My brother and his wife separated in December (she found he had been facebook messaging some random woman, he has said that nothing ever physically happened and she has accepted that.

Initially she threw him out, but then had him back two weeks later.

Since this whole thing happened she has been referring to herself by her maiden name. He has also bought new furniture for the house, replaced pretty much everything (complete with her photographing all the new stuff and putting it on facebook with "look at all my new furniture, cant believe I have just spent almost 10k.......", they have been on two five star luxury weekends away, and he has also bought numerous other 'gifts'.

She is very immature and lives her life through Facebook, seriously. She believes she is 'making a point' by excluding him from every activity she posts about that they have been on and missing him from photographs etc etc.

Now, I get that he fucked up, he fucked up royally and so part of me thinks yes he deserves to be punished (or whatever the word is), but FFS I just want to scream at him to STOP THROWING MONEY AT THE PROBLEM, surely, by now, you need to decide if you are going to make it work (in which case you need to draw a line under it and the pettiness needs to stop), or you need to just draw a line under the whole thing and separate and try and move on with your life, but this atmosphere of prolonged childishness is not good for you or your 3 year old son, and to be perfectly honest I think all the spending is massively taking the piss.

Right, am ready to be told I am a cow now.

dollius Thu 06-Mar-14 16:32:55

Oh just stay out of it. It's none of your business.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:35:19

I also just realised maybe I should explain why its upsetting me, but he is my brother, he has become very successful in his field, which is good, but a downside to this is, aside from his family, just about everyone in his life has just always 'wanted something' from him, be that somewhere to live, a job, money, there has always been something.
He seems to think the only thing he has to offer anyone is money/things and so I believe some people massively take the piss. I want him to see that even though he did a scummy thing, he is still a person who has a lot more than money to offer people and he deserves to be happy too.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:36:06

I am staying out dollius I have just come here to get it off my chest because I know it is not my place to actually get involved.

MrsBennetsEldest Thu 06-Mar-14 16:36:34

Why don't you just say you don't like your SIL?
I'm pretty sure your DB can look after himself. I thought it was just the cheaters who minimised not their sisters too.

Fairylea Thu 06-Mar-14 16:38:17

Maybe she's not forgiven him at all and is just dragging it out to get everything she can from him before she chucks him out?

If she was your sister you'd be singing from a different hymn sheet.

Stop thinking about it because it's nothing at all to do with you.

He has more to offer than money? What, like treating his wife with so little respect that he's messaging random women behind her back?

Yeah, sounds like he has loads to offer. What a catch!

Was he worrying about his own ds while he was doing it? I doubt it.

Let her say whatever the fuck she wants on fb! Personally I'd be advising her to kick the cheating bastard out!

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:40:30

I do like my SIL and I am trying not to minimalise what he did I am just really not very good at explaining myself and I cant give too much away without outing myself. Maybe using MN to get it off my chest was a bad idea.

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 06-Mar-14 16:41:08

But MrsBennet, the wife has taken him back, if she can't forgive him then they need to separate and get on with things, not do all this passive aggressive FB shit.

Disclaimer: my DH has never shown any signs of cheating so I can't honestly say how I would react in the SILs position.

Pagwatch Thu 06-Mar-14 16:41:18

Stop minimising what he did. 'yes, he was dishonest and screwed around but...'
He was a selfish dick. She is doing whatever gets her through the day.

Perhaps he should concentrate on making two things that people want from him - money and the capacity to keep his penis where it ought to be.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:42:06

When he told me that they separated and why I told him he was a selfish fuckwit and if my DH had done that he would never cross my door again walter

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 06-Mar-14 16:43:13

I just bet nothing ever happened.

In his nice little parallel universe.

You should be feeling sorry for her, being married to such a shit. Not defending him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 16:43:27

Have you ever been cheated on and got back together with someone knowing they cheated? IME Rationality goes totally out of the window, emotions are all over the place and people swing between wanting to kill the cheat and keep them close. Some people hit the bottle, others head for the anti-depressants, your SIL appears to be keeping the furniture industry buoyant.

Whatever's going on it's their mess to clean up

But you'll still minimise it.

"It was terrible but..." is a god awful attitude to have.

He took his wife's trust and love and shat all over it, not to mention the potential uprooting of his young child's life. All so he could get his rocks off sending messages to random women?

He's a prick. No matter how much money he has.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:44:42

mygast that is the point I am trying to make, if she has agreed to take him back then surely all this PA point scoring is not a healthy environment for their DS.

NoelOfLorst Thu 06-Mar-14 16:44:44

Well you're right, it is none of your business and tbh you probably know only a fraction of it anyway.

If it's really upsetting you, block them both on Facebook and step away for a while. I mean that nicely, not snarkily te

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:45:37

Haha Flabbered I love the disclaimer grin

She's being a bit OTT on Facebook after he was very childish and inappropriate on Facebook.

You sound a bit jealous of the presents tbh... I know I am! Not sure it's worth sleazy messages to 'random women' though.

Leave them to it and if SIL is annoying you on FB so much just click 'unfollow'. You won't see her feed without clicking on her name and you'll still be friends.

Easy smile

NoelOfLorst Thu 06-Mar-14 16:45:58

Ah come on now, how much was he thinking about their DS when he was cheating do you think?

all this PA point scoring is not a healthy environment for their DS.

Whereas daddy always had his son's best interests at heart...

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:47:21

And he's 3... I think he just thinks 'eh up, we've got a new sofa'.
He isn't exactly ringing Jeremy Kyle for an intervention!

Pagwatch Thu 06-Mar-14 16:47:47

Goodness. Is she not thinking of their child? Because that was really to the fore in his mind wasn't it?

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:49:03

he has become very successful in his field

What's that got to do with anything! He sounds slimy as...

Trevor, because people only want him for his money the poor lamb.

And there's him with so much to offer a woman...

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:50:25

The Facebook thing doesn't bother me, I rarely read it/use it - I mainly use it to keep in touch with family overseas.
I think my original point was lost somewhere, my point with him is he needs to stop throwing money at problems, somehere in his life he has come to think that is all he has to offer to make people happy.
What he really needs to do is look at what actually makes people happy, like, not cheating on them and work on that that is the root of all of this and no amount of money is going to make that better.
Does that make more sense?

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:51:40

Again, sorry I lost my point I am sleep deprived/exhausted/ranty.

truelymadlysleepy Thu 06-Mar-14 16:53:04

They separated because he was messaging a random woman on FB? Maybe there's more going on than you know about.
We're all defensive of our families & it's fine for you to snipe on here. Much better than doing so in real life.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:54:07

I know truly I wish I had put my last post as my OP, I just cant get my point across very well.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:54:44

It seems to me like her shopping is a sticking plaster for their relationship - I feel quite sorry for her really. It won't address any issues in the long term will it.

I also wonder if more was going on than messages to someone else.

struggling100 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:05

Cog you make me laugh! 'Keeping the furniture industry buoyant' grin

OP, some people relate to the world through material possessions. We can look at them and wonder, but for those that are that way inclined, it's the only currency. If your SIL is that way, maybe this is the only means by which your brother can make up for what he did (which was pretty bad, btw).

Every couple is different.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:22

Well... Is there anything else SIL fancies in her house I wonder?
He can send me some messages and she can get a new car wink
And I'll post them on here and we can have a good laugh at the creep.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:55:43

Thats the point I was trying to make lavender throwing money at this problem is not going to make it go away.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 16:56:10

Oh bless him, I bet he has low self esteem, what with only thinking he has money to give, and I bet it was that low self esteem that drove him to seek out validation from this woman...

Oh did I write that?

I meant to write:

He's a cheating arsehole.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 16:57:41

I didnt say that cabrinha I said I badly worded my OP and tried to explain it better. He is a cheating arsehole. I agree but maybe he should work on fixing being a cheating arsehole so that he can make his wife happier with something that means more than furniture.

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 16:59:01

Well his money is her money anyway.....and yes, none of your business

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:59:37

Yep that's true OP ... they do need to talk as well as shop x

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:01

I think she should ask for jewellery too

Jan45 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:32

He's a big boy, if he's always thrown money at problems he'll continue to do so, whether you tell him it's wrong or not.

I'd honestly keep out of it, you won't even know the full or even true story of what exactly went on.

noslimbody Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:35

Online shopping, I's be all over it

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 17:00:58

Of course it won't make it go away but spending money is self-medication for her. Being cheated on is a very personal a visceral hurt. You're torn between wanting everything to go back to how it was and wanting the cheat to experience the same hurt. If she is financially dependent on your brother and has decided - as many do - that they don't want to start over, then she's lashing out with the only things at her disposal... credit cards, facebook, etc.

Yes she should probably draw a line under it and either kick him out or reconcile but life just doesn't run in straight lines when it comes to personal relationships. Stick around and read a few threads if you don't understand the dynamic.

MrsBennetsEldest Thu 06-Mar-14 17:01:46


Your disclaimer says it all.

OP, how old is he?

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 17:13:27

The thing is, your OP seemed equally judgemental of them both. Well - probably her moreso, but him too.

And I'm sorry I've been harsh - happy to admit, cheated on, bitter smile

But I think given the wrong he has done, you've gone a bit far in criticising her. So what if she's using her maiden name? I took my wedding ring off, long before I left my cheating arsehole. Because it disgusted me.

I didn't make my cheating arsehole husband spend any money, but I know if I had it wouldn't have been in a hold digging way... I'd have had a perverse pleasure in thinking, right, you arsehole, jump this hoop.

I know you are not the one who has done wrong here, it's him.

ChocolateIsYummy Thu 06-Mar-14 17:25:39

It is easy to get over involved in other peoples lives, I have been where you are now (with close friends) and I was getting really annoyed and then I looked at it and thought hang on it's their lives, let them get on with it! And take a really big step away! I'm sure you've enough to focus on in your own life? (I mean that nicely btw) honestly you are doing it to yourself smile

innisglas Thu 06-Mar-14 17:29:34

Mmm, sounds like your brother values himself on the basis of the money he has in the pocket.

My ex-, the father of my daughter, was like that for a while and the penny dropped for me when I found myself thinking "great, he is coming so I can get this and this out of him", which would have been the first and only time in my life that I have thought that about someone. Then I realised he had given up careers he liked for something tremendously boring just to get money and was going around showing off his spending power.

iknowishouldbuttoutbut Thu 06-Mar-14 17:42:11

Its ok cabrinha Im sorry I upset you. I dont mean to sound like Im judging her I just think she deserves someone who can give her all that (if thats what she wants), AND not be a prick.

Also, and I cannot state this enough I am not going to get involved or say or do anything. Thats why I came here. I know its absolutely none of my business, but for reasons I cant explain without massively outing myself, they are almost always here at the moment and I just needed somewhere to say this, somewhere anonymous.

lunar1 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:49:48

Maybe she did li

lunar1 Thu 06-Mar-14 17:52:11

Oops posted too soon.

Maybe she did love him for who he was, before he cheated. He is not that man anymore. Maybe she thinks she will make the most of his wallet before he finds a new ow to spend it on.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Mar-14 18:32:54

Better a shopping frenzy, than a bandaid baby <shrug>

'Thats the point I was trying to make lavender throwing money at this problem is not going to make it go away.'

Wealthy men who have affairs do this - try and buy affection back. It's a guilt thing, and also I suspect a way of trying to make themselves look like a generous person when in reality they are self centred and selfish.

Your SIL is not the one spending so cut her some slack. She'll get way more than some furniture if she divorces him.

AF 'bandaid baby' is a completely sick term. I hate it. A baby is a baby whatever anyone thinks of the timing of conception and shouldn't have to grow up with people whispering things like that about them.

CookieDoughKid Thu 06-Mar-14 22:30:05

I would have no problem him spending money on how wife and home excessively myself. I can't quite see the big deal given your brother is in for the long haul in the forgiveness stakes.

CookieDoughKid Thu 06-Mar-14 22:30:26

How not his. Bad typo.

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