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Help, What do you call your cheating husband?

(67 Posts)
no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:02:42

I just found out. I feel numb and I dont feel sad or upset. I'm angry and I'm in shock, never in million years I will be writing this. I dont shout or use much swear words in RL, I can't think of what to call him. I can only think of cheating bustard, heartless, deceitful, two faced, dickhead, what else.... Is it normal? I thought I will be smashing all his gadgets, spraying his car with paint, and cutting his clothes into hundred peices. But I dont feel like that, I dont understand? Help me.... When he come home I want to shout and call hime names and what him know he hurt me so badly. And I want answer for my questions. I want to talk but the same time I dont want to talk to anyone in RL.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:04:05

Disloyal, unfaithful, greedy, uncaring, selfish, lying, thoughtless (all not swear words)

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 16:11:25

Mine are all swear words <classy>

Offred Thu 06-Mar-14 16:11:39

I would have thought STBXH would suffice. You really don't need to waste your breath saying anymore.

no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:12:16

I obviously needed to add that I'm not British, and English is not my first language. It really hurts, but I seem not able to get it out in words sad

Offred Thu 06-Mar-14 16:13:10

What answers do you need?

Normal to feel in shock.

Don't allow yourself to indulge in OW hate or the pick me dance and watch out for hysterical bonding as the next stage.

Kick him out, get some space.

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 16:14:06

Seriously though,

Tell him you need space for a few days and he has to find somewhere to stay.

In a week or so have a talk, but anything before then is going to be far too confusing and you'll be desperate to hear what you want to hear.

Give it a week or longer if you can with no contact. Cry, rage, rant, throw things, repaint something - do anything it takes, but don't rush it.

JeanSeberg Thu 06-Mar-14 16:14:11

Sorry you're going through this no5. I hope you manage to get him out of the family home tonight so you can have some thinking space tonight.

Do you have children?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 06-Mar-14 16:15:47

There are many words that would be appropriate. Selfish twatting cunt seems to cover most bases.

I don't swear in RL either, but if I ever found out my H had been cheating I would make an exception.

I hope you are OK. Do you know what you are dealing with yet? Is it a one-off shag or an actual full on affair? sad

LettertoHermioneGranger Thu 06-Mar-14 16:16:24

I'm so sorry.

If I may, you don't need to shout at him right now. It may not be the best course of action. You should first consider your next steps. Will you be kicking him out? Will you be leaving? Do you have children? If so, screaming at their father before he leaves might leave the wrong impression on them, and the situation is already going to be intense for them. Please look at the practical sides. If you have a joint account, you should make sure your money is removed and placed in your own account. If you found out through emails, messages, etc, make sure you have copies saved and printed out in case you need proof of his infidelity later. Don't destroy his stuff, don't give him anything to use against you.

This is a horrible situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. I honestly think the best thing to do is calmly confront him, and firmly explain what is now going to happen - him leaving, divorce, etc. And make sure the accounts are settled before, as once confronted he may lash out or do a runner and leave you (and possible children?) in a bad situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 16:17:22

Ex husband

no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:32:15

Thank you, printer is working busy. Found emails and also FB account on different name. Think it has been going on for a few months. Im angry but I'm calm, untill this moment we had very happy life together with two beautiful children. I'm stay at home mum and I'm devoted my carin husband, or I was.

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 16:34:20

Bastard, as in Leave the bastard.

deelite72 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:35:22

'Gone'. It's an easy one to remember.

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 06-Mar-14 16:35:42

I've never had one, but I'd be calling him an ambulance then I'd be calling him my ex!

struggling100 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:40:01

When I found out my ex was cheating, I was incoherent. I literally couldn't speak - it was like my throat was furred up with rage and hurt. When I tried to talk my voice was all hoarse and crackly. I ended up brandishing printed off emails at him and croaking, which wasn't dignified and achieved nothing.

What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very normal to struggle to articulate that amount of pain, physically, emotionally, and linguistically. The thing is: you don't have to. You are under no obligation to make him feel how much this has hurt you. Even though it's natural to want to do so, if he were remotely able to understand that pain, he wouldn't have done this in the first place.

I think the best thing to do is to stick to actions. You've had good advice already about getting copies of evidence, and I'm glad your printer is humming away. If you can possibly hold it together, consult a lawyer and make sure you have a financial strategy in place before you confront him.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 06-Mar-14 16:45:17

Does he know you know yet?

What are you going to do?

SpringyReframed Thu 06-Mar-14 16:49:40

The last words I spoke to my ex were on the phone. After another bit of pathetic avoidance of family responsibilities in the aftermath of of me kicking him out and him working out what his dick led existence had got him into I called him a "gutless prick". I feel quite smug that I managed to end on such a triumphant high!

However, to give advice, I would say be as cold and emotionless as possible. Bloody hard but probably the best way. They do not hear ranting.

Best of luck OP. It really does get better however much you cant imagine that now.

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 16:53:49

My marriage didn't end because of cheating, but DV. Still, in the middle of all the hurt and disappointment, etc, I could only really voice what I wanted to happen. And that was to end the relationship.
There was no point in discussing it, or tell him what I thought or how hurt I was. I just told him to get out.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 17:01:27

I never really shouted or swore. I am a swearer day to day, but I don't do "rage" very well.
The best I really managed was calm, cold and disdainful "you do realise another woman would be screaming at you and calling you a bastard c****, yes?"

It's OK. You don't have to swear.

But you do have to decide what you want to do next. Get him to leave for now, ignore any minimising or attempt to blame you, and go to see a solicitor to understand your options, especially around finances.

Swearing and shouting helps some, just getting rid of the pathetic excuse for a husband is enough for others.

Sorry you're going through this x

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 17:20:53

If you can manage it...

Stone cold deathly silence is ALWAYS a good one I've found - it takes some self control though.

Just don't say a word or react. At all. Ever.

It's also quite evil as it really plays mind games with them.

When you are on your own though - let rip.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 06-Mar-14 18:33:02

I called mine a doorknob
Then followed it up with 'everyone's had a turn'

I was too raged up and close to tears when I found out plus cold and shaky.
When I confronted him, he beat me like a dog and kicked me round the head sad be careful when you confront, the most mild mannered people can lash out when confronted with evidence of their fuckwittery..
I'm sorry you're going through this too sad its awful x

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 06-Mar-14 18:35:01

I would follow the stone cold silence rule tbh it'll save you feeling like a muppet after saying something in a rage and or shouting in front of the kids

KingR0llo Thu 06-Mar-14 18:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingR0llo Thu 06-Mar-14 18:37:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandiy Thu 06-Mar-14 18:49:52

I called him a cunt,I have never said that word out loud before or ever again since.Not even at the vagina monologues.Its a special angry word for me.

oldgrandmama Thu 06-Mar-14 19:04:54

Dearest girl, as you say, you're numb right now - bit like when you cut yourself, the nerve endings don't really register for a bit.

Believe me, very soon you'll be bloody FURIOUS - as you should be, a very natural reaction. I like SmilesandPiles's and other's suggestions, though - try being very cold and disdainful. You've had some great advice here. Make yourself VERY proactive in gathering together information about finances, housing, that essential legal stuff ... in a weird sort of way, it's quite satisfying, knowing you're well armed for whatever the lying, cheating shit throws at you. It's going to be a helter skelter emotional ride but you'll come through it. But getting some legal advice should be your priority.

Cringechilli Thu 06-Mar-14 19:07:14

An adulterer.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 06-Mar-14 19:31:46

Fucker would be appropriate - but I would channel icy calm if I could in your position and say nothing other then 'get out' after slapping copies of everything in front of him.

Bogeyface Thu 06-Mar-14 19:41:27

Cunt

oldgrandmama Thu 06-Mar-14 20:16:25

A P.S. to my last post, OP. Have a look at this site:
http://chumplady.com/

no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 20:53:07

So far so good. Had meal and laughed. Kids in bed, now it's time to show him what I found. Wish me good luck. he is not lashing type, but never know. I'm no good at confronting either. But I must do it now.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 06-Mar-14 21:34:27

Mine was in my phone as "El Cunto" but I am not sure how helpful that is.....

mydaftlass Thu 06-Mar-14 21:52:25

Good luck. Confrontation them is horrible.

mydaftlass Thu 06-Mar-14 21:52:53

*confronting

Fairenuff Thu 06-Mar-14 21:56:35

Things that make him feel tiny. Like 'disappointed that you are so pathetic' and 'let down by a weak man', or 'sad to see you so lacking'. These are the kind of words that will haunt him.

You don't have to shout and swear. Cold and calm is even scarier.

no5 Fri 07-Mar-14 09:54:45

All good. He broke down in tears and admitted. As per script it made him young. Did not shout, guess I talked little louder at some point. And I did not chuck him out either. This morning we played happy family. He took kids to school and gone to get STD test. I'm now at solicitor's to get some advice about divorce. It's horrible, I still feel numb and cold. I want some time to think. I read through lots here and also in Divorce. I know I'm not alone but I feel like only woman on earth having to deal with shitty cheating husband. What next?

JeanSeberg Fri 07-Mar-14 10:02:49

What next?

Tell him to move out.

Glad you are already at the solicitor's.

Smilesandpiles Fri 07-Mar-14 10:04:09

Try to get some savings together - every single penny helps at this stage.

Ask your solicitor about maintainence payments for the children.

You both need to talk about what you are going to do about the house. If you both decide that you need to stay in it - then the first thing is getting the bills transfered into your name, you can talk about the ownership later on when you are in a better position mentally.

Any debts need to be sorted out - now.

If it's rent, the rent needs to sorted out, either transfered to your name and him move out, or both move out and you get your own place if you can afford it.

If you are working - let your boss know, they may be more flexable with time off because of your appointments you will need to make.

If you are not wokring, I would go to CAB and find out what you may be able to get until you are on your feet.

Call your mates, go out, get wasted and tell them, you will need them over the next few months.

Next?...

Pack all of his stuff into bin bags.

Make sure you check all bank accounts and ensure he cannot wipe them out. You may need to contact the banks and ask them to alert you to any strange transactions.

Make sure you have all paperwork in a safe place, i.e. passports, bank account details, any of his wage slips to proove income, birth certificates, etc....

Talk to CAB and find out what you are entitled to as a single non-working parent. Make sure all benefits go into an account in your name only.

Contact CSA to get maintenance payments in place as quickly as possible.

Contact family and friends, let them know what is happening and ask for support. Get a good friend round for some raging!

Follow through with any advice from solicitor regarding mortgage or rent.

no5 Fri 07-Mar-14 10:33:15

What is CAB and CSA? Thank you for your support, it really means a lot. I wish my mum was near. I have freinds but I really don't want to talk to anyone in RL at the moment. I kept him in the house because I could not bare to answer my chidlren. They adore him, and he is best thing happened to them, they will never forgive me if I make him move out. It really breaks my heart to tell them. Is this normal to think such a thing? Before when I hear people having affairs and all I thought I would kick him out of my house but now I just can't sad I dont understand my feelings. Am I being weak?

Smilesandpiles Fri 07-Mar-14 10:42:42

CAB - Citizens Advice Bureaux

CSA - Child Support Agency

JeanSeberg Fri 07-Mar-14 10:43:56

Make it his job to tell them but make sure you are there so he doesn't give them any bullshit about "Mummy made me leave". How old are the children?

Smilesandpiles Fri 07-Mar-14 10:46:26

A - the kids wont like it but they will get used to it. Don't give them the option. You have to kick him out or you will make yourself miserable which is a damn sight worse for your kids, than a short shock of him moving out.

Think ripping off a plaster when it comes to talking to the kids.

They will forgive you, they just need to get used to the idea that's all.

You are not being weak, just scared and grieving for a future you thought you would all have.

Being a lone parent isn't as bad as you think. It can be tough but it mostly isn't. The first year is the worse, after that it gets a lot easier a lot quicker.

Bogeyface Fri 07-Mar-14 14:01:30

If you dont want him to leave then dont ask him to. No one can tell you what is right for you.

Do you want a divorce or do you want to try and work through this?

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 07-Mar-14 17:49:38

no5 - you say you're not British and English isn't your first language, are you in the UK?

If you're in another country then the CSA and CAB won't make much sense to you, if you're in another country then maybe some MNers can advise you.

From your posts and the calm approach you have taken, you sound like an amazing Mum, putting your children first in this. I'm just so sorry that he couldn't do the same.

no5 Sat 08-Mar-14 20:34:57

I'm in UK. But I haven't called CAB or CSA yet. Thank you for information, but I dont know what I need to tell them. He's been and done STD test on everything including HIV. Results will be ready end of next week. The solicitor was good, asked a lot about of divorce procedure/financial assets. As long as we own the house and got money in the bank and not having any debts and loan, seems straight forward. We talked a lot last 2 days, he does not want divorce, and agreed to end it with OW asap. Then this evening we argued because he insisted to end it face to face. I got angry shouted at him told him if he wants to end then he had to end by email and never see her again. I was mad at him having to have that care for OW. He should be worrying about what I feel and what is best for us. I still not told him what my decision is because I don't have one. I might have him, I might leave him. For the time being we are playing happy family. We still share bed, just for the sake of children because they come to our bed in the early hours of morning. What bothering me is the arguement we had this evening. I think he was hesitant because he wanted to do what he planned, not what I wanted angry Not because he wanted to keep the break secret private from me. Anyway, his other email, FB, Skype accounts deleted and email sent from his main account. Does other OW care, will she try to lure my husband back? Should I brace myself for arguements? Guess this not end, this is just start?

JeanSeberg Sat 08-Mar-14 21:56:25

You have to get angry, get some self-respect and get him out. Seriously.

End it ASAP?

Fuck that.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 08-Mar-14 22:06:02

Jean, I think you're being a little harsh. The OP only found out 2 days ago, she has so far managed to see a solicitor and get some advice - this is far quicker than most of us who have been in her situation did so soon. From what I have read, the OP has lots of self-respect and is constantly thinking of her DCs in all this. When I was going through this, especially in the early days, I appreciated the support and not once was I told to get some self-respect, which quite frankly would have tipped me over the edge.

No5 - yes, I'm afraid this is the start but you have done so well in a short space of time. If your husband is truly sorry then you're right, he needs to end it with the OW over email or text then block all contact. After all, he didn't have the respect for you and your DCs while he was with her so why is he showing her the respect by meeting her to say it's over?

Do what you need to do and in your own time. You will go through a mountain of different emotions. You will know what the right thing to do is when the time is right for you.

I do think he needs to move out and give you some space though to deal with what you have just found out.

memyselfandl Sat 08-Mar-14 22:10:53

He is not some prize to be won. I think he is hoping that is he sees the OW face to face she might just offer to have him full time. He just doesn't seem to be begging forgiveness and trying to make his marriage work-he has more consideration of the OW's feeling than your.
Now is the time for you to call the shots. Make his leave--if he goes to her it will just prove that you are well shot of the twat.
It is when he sees what he is throwing away and that you are taking control back then his true feelings and intentions will be clear.
Get your self respect back now

BeforeAndAfter Sat 08-Mar-14 22:15:24

No5 - you have been so strong thus far and I know how difficult it is.

I cannot emphasise enough that your DH must not see OW to break off the relationship. I let my ex do that. He went to see OW to end things and came back two hours later than the agreed deadline and then sat outside in the car on the phone to her for another hour as she talked him round.

I think that every time they see the OW it refreshes their feelings and they remember the good times with OW and it damages the marriage a bit more.

Stay strong and stick to your guns about him not seeing OW.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 08-Mar-14 22:19:35

No5 has plenty of self-respect from where I'm standing. She wants to buy time to make her decision on her terms and not be bounced into doing something so that she looks tough. She's not taking the soft option right now.

BeCool Sat 08-Mar-14 23:24:46

"Agreed to end it with OW asap"

Good grief. He's telling you he will do what he wants when he wants, and if he wants to get his ducks in line he'll take all the time he wants to do so.

no5 Sun 09-Mar-14 21:37:03

Thank you, I'm open to any judgement. I don't think anything will hurt me now more than I hurt already. We talked a lot today, we went out with kids and while kids played we talked again. He did apologised and he cried and he knows he is shitty husband, he knows he has been weak, need confrontation. 3 emails came this morning from OW asking him not to leave and want him back. No reply sent, decided to leave at it. He might have phone calls tomorrow or at some point. If I want him back how do you move on? I'm not trying to brush everything under the carpet, I have been asking lots questions and trying to get answers. IF we move on from here together then I want to leave everything behind in the past. Anyone here ever took the husband back? I still think I have feelings for him and care for him. Am I being the stupidest wife? Am I making rushed decision? Is self respect kicking him out and then make desicion?

mineofuselessinformation Sun 09-Mar-14 21:47:49

If you want to move forward as a couple and have lots of questions, he needs to give you lots of answers. There needs to be complete honesty in your relationship if it has any chance of surviving.
Good luck.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 22:44:47

Self respect is doing what you believe is best for you and your DCs and you are doing that.

Nobody can tell you that you have no self respect, from your posts, you have acted with dignity.

Take your time for it all to sink in.

no5 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:54:57

Thank you, Handfulofcottonbuds and Beforeandafter. I had rock bottom today, I just wanted run away. I wanted to just drive to nearest airport and fly out. Husband won't let me go, he cried and begged me for the sake of children. He rather tell them how he hurt mummy and move out himself. All started because OW keep emailing and asking to meet him and promising she can fix it. I was hurt, I felt like I was stopping their plans and future. Don't think I ever felt so low, little, worthless in my life. How do you get rid of these Other woman/creature?

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 11-Mar-14 22:04:26

beforeandafter talks a lot of sense, I admire her posts and am glad she is giving you support.

I'm afraid it's not down to you no5 to get rid of OW, your husband needs to show you that he is cutting her out of your lives. Has he done anything to show you that?

Why on earth does he still have the same email address for her to be able to contact him?!

He needs to send one email with you there, telling her not to contact him and then delete that account, change his mobile number - show you that he is serious about being sorry for what he has put you through.

no5 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:25:39

It's work email, hence not deleted. And he did email her once, told it's over and he has done most stupid thing, and he now realised he almost loose his most precious thing in life, children, wife and everything else. Asked not to keep in touch again. Email everyday so far, today we just had one. Hoping this will stop, it's very hard to move on. Husband insists he will not keep in touch and it's over. Oh the test results came and he is clean no STD, thank goodness. We talked a lot, we talked everyday. He said I asked the same question over and over a few times since last week. I guess I was cross examining him in case he gives me different answers. I sincerely believe he has been honest and transparent, he truly regret every mistake.

dollius Wed 12-Mar-14 19:32:22

You need some head space.

You need to tell him to leave for a while so you can get your head around what you want.

The fact he wanted to end it with her face-to-face would be a total deal breaker for me. It shows he just doesn't get what he has done.

Who cares if she does try to "lure" him back. It only matters what his actions are from here on in. But it is far too soon for you to be deciding what you want to do. You need space.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 12-Mar-14 22:17:45

no5 - he can still block her email address if they are coming through a work email.

If he's staying there, he needs to show you that he is willing to do anything to make things right. That includes you asking as many questions as you need to and asking them again if you need to. He needs to understand that. It's different if you agree to give things another go and then years down the line you are still questioning him. For now - it's barely a week since you found out, you are entitled to ask questions.

Thank goodness the test results came back okay.

Do you know what you want to do yet? Give things another go?

no5 Thu 13-Mar-14 09:03:45

Thank you, handfulofcottonbuds,The email of OW is now blocked, I had enough reading about the good times and the exciting adventure they had together. I don't know what to do. I asked my eldest if she will be happy to go see her grandma abroad, she said she will. May be I should just go see my mum, may be I need to talk about it to someone in real life. It's been week today, and I had enough of talking to husband. I asked the same questions and he given me the same answers over and over. I feel like I know enough, but I don't know if I believe the answers were true. I would like to trust him, but the constant try of contact from OW is upsetting me. Is it wrong to ask my husband email and tell her FXXX OFF and GO AWAY?

BeCool Thu 13-Mar-14 11:13:29

you mean he hasn't voluntarily told her it's over, she must stop contacting him, he is committed to you and has no interest in her? Why not?

Offred Thu 13-Mar-14 17:40:02

No5 I agree with becool you have to be really sure that he is committed to no contact with the OW, it is easy enough for him to set up another way of contacting her using instant messaging or another email account. If he's proven to be a liar and the no contact is driven by you rather than him can you be sure he isn't contacting her in another way?

handfulofcottonbuds Thu 13-Mar-14 18:04:31

no5 - I knew today would be especially hard for you flowers

You actually have achieved so much in a week and you haven't crumbled but it would be okay if you did. You need time.

My STBXH told me the night before our wedding anniversary that he wanted a divorce, we were in Egypt and all I wanted was my family, I had never felt so alone. So I guess what I'm saying is go see your Mum if you can.

I really don't think you will get your head straight until you have a break from him. I'm sorry, it sounds like he's minimising it all when your whole world has come crashing down.

no5 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:49:09

Well, I told him I will give him a chance to prove he loves me and want his life back, he can build it all back again. May be it was too soon? We had problem with OW, trying to contact by his real FB and Skype, even request on Linkedin. Part of me feel like is this all? I feel like he seems to want to move on fast and forget about everything he has done. May be he needs tattoo on his face to remind him every morning. I feel so miserable, and angry. I cant explain. Am i going to live rest of my life in misery?

BeCool Thu 20-Mar-14 14:46:58

maybe no5.

Are you able to talk with him about how you feel?
Will he be transparent and acknowledge your feelings and that they are valid and do what he can to reassure you?
Do you trust him to be completely honest?

If the answer to any of the above is No, how do you see things progressing from here?

How is he proving he loves you?

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