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Why do I always become the bad one?

(40 Posts)
JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:29:24

Hi, over the past few years I've had fall outs with friends or with other mums at oops activities...the reasons are quite often the same, I stand up for what I believe in, I stand up for my children and myself.
I don't drag it on, I don't make a big issue of whatever the problem is, I simply state my case and that's it for me. Yet every single time I go from being the wronged person to being the evil bitch every one turns against and talks about.
The most recent thing, I complained to the class trainer about the behaviour of another boy in the class, ( this boy is renowned for bullying, and general disrespect for everyone, including the trainer). Next thing I know I'm the one ostracised, nobody spoke to me last night at the class, and I get evil glares from said boy.
One particular other mum has moaned about this boy for years, slagging him and his parents off, yet suddenly her and bully's mum are like best freinds!!!

I'm so sick of this. I don't back stab, I don't slag people off behind their back, I simply feel if there's a problem I address it as best I can.
Now I'm upset by this, but I'm more bothered that my son will want to quit this class because of this, a class he loves, and is very good at.

I'm just so exhausted by this, always being the baddy, when I've really not done anything any other parent wouldn't do.
Does anyone else ever get this?
Maybe I'm a psycho dragon bitch? I know that somewhere along the line the problem lies with me, but I can't help wanting to protect my kids!

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:30:00

*oops activities! should read OOS activities (out of school).

Do you have to stay at this class? Maybe try to detach from the group, just be polite? If you pretend to like them and just smile that may work?

Do you have real friends? I have plenty of real friends but rarely made close friends at the school gate etc..

How old is your son?

scarletforya Thu 06-Mar-14 09:35:18

Is it possible you are coming across much stronger and maybe more aggressive than you intended?

When you stand up for yourself do you labour the point or lose your temper?

It's a delicate balance being tactful and diplomatic but still getting your point across! If you are crashing in like a bull in a China shop you'll alienate people.

Also beware of people who moan and whinge and manipulate you into doing their dirty work for them.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:36:27

No I don't have to stay, but I don't want to leave my son there on his own whilst this is going on. He's 11 ( yes I'm sure you'll all say old enough to fight his own battles).
I have real friends, and I'm not really bothered if they don't speak to me, it's the muttering about me that's grating my gears.
It's like a clique, yet when this bully upset another boy I was supportive to the mum ( the one who moans about him constantly).

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 09:37:21

You can't have strong opinions and expect to be everyone's mate. I have had similar experiences and long ago decided I'm not the bad-guy, they're just wishy-washy. smile

Oh just take a book/kindle/or play on your phone and ignore them. They'll soon get bored.

I take it they all stay too? I must admit my dss would've freaked at 11 but as long as your ds is ok then there's not a problem?

Is your son upset by them?

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:39:23

Thanks Cog. I'm NOT the bad guy, I've analysed this over & over and I'm damn sure I did the right thing, then they all turned on me.
I just worry it'll get under my sons skin.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:41:03

Freakin I took a book yesterday. But I came close to a panic attack, my anxiety was high.
It's only Wednesday I take him & stay, other days it's dad who goes off to the gym while son does his activity. Guess I'm over protective?!!!

Let's hope he's a chip off the old block wink If you just be polite and smiley they'll get sick. I tend to go overboard with irritating people. Gets up their noses. Nice big grin

No you're not over protective.

I've suffered from anxiety and panic and it's horrendous! Can you take an ipod and play relaxing music? I'm on meds for mine. Love them.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:46:52

Ironically I've shown my son that we will not hide from this, there was an event at the weekend they were attending & son wanted to wait in the car but I said ' no, we aren't hiding, we will walk up with a big smile and a jolly "morning!"'
I've shown him how to be the bigger person, but I'm so pissed off, feel like telling them all what they say about each other .
( I won't, as it's yet another thing that'll back fire on me no doubt!)

Aww I wonder how your son is picking up on this? That's awful sad He shouldn't have to worry about that at 11.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 09:50:52

I know, although hubby reckons he's only worried in case I kick off.
Which doesn't happen often at all, but when I go, I go.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Mar-14 09:58:24

Hello psycho dragon bitch wink you might not always be right but people know where they stand with you. If you had a truly abrasive personality you wouldn't be making friends in the first place.

Anyway, think what lessons about friendships you'll pass to your DCs.

Better to have a couple of trustworthy friends than a pack of the phoney ones who are two-faced people pleasers.
A true friend listens and doesn't make your situation all about them.
One of life's blessings is when you can choose who you prefer to spend time with.
A crisis shows who your real friends are.
It's quality we need, not quantity!
Never endure friendships that make you feel bad about yourself.

I'd rather have you in my corner than somebody who grumbles and moans but does a runner the moment it's time to stand up and be counted.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 10:06:08

Thankyou Donkeys
I feel tons better just for being able to 'talk' about it on here.

I've sat and chatted to these people for weeks/ months, while our kids train, been supportive when bully has upset their kids, and yet now I'm the fucking pariah.
Meh.

I'm genuinely touched by the replies I've had, thankfully there's some sane people out there!!

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 10:10:10

If my son decides to give up this activity I will be gutted, as I know it'll be because of what I did.
I wouldn't change what I did for anything as I wasn't wrong, but I feel the trainer handled it badly, and my son is losing faith in him, a bit, and I will be really upset to see him quit as he's good, and enjoys it.

Jan45 Thu 06-Mar-14 10:14:14

You're confident and assertive, a lot of folk don't like that and you're gona find some don't like you because of it, that's their problem, you stay as you are, as long as you're not being unreasonable then I wouldn't change for anyone.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 10:14:48

Thanks Jan x

My dss know I'm straight talking and assertive and that's just mam to them. I'm sure your son will be ok.

Maybe try to fake it a bit for that hour or so? At least you don't have to have them over for dinner.

They sound awful btw. Bunch of bitches.

I don't suppose there's another class around?

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 10:24:37

Sadly no, no other classes. It's been an ongoing thing for ages, but this is the first time I've complained to the trainer.
Will have to see how things go, I'm sure it'll turn round & bite one of them on the arse at some point when bully boy stops getting a rise from us, he'll have to move on to someone else?!
Sadly a lot of kids stop going because of him, this is where I'm losing faith in the trainer.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Mar-14 10:27:35

I think going along to the weekend event is a good idea, and your lad shouldn't feel he's going to be a scapegoat because his mum spoke up. But monitor how he gets on.

Is there anyone you can complain to about the trainer? Will the head teacher listen or isn't it connected to school?

arsenaltilidie Thu 06-Mar-14 10:49:58

One of the best lessons I have learned from my mother is to stand up for yourself and no be bothered about people's opinion of you.

Gossip is what happens when a group of women gather grin. If you continue to be normal in a few months it will be another person.

BTW I've just reported someone at work and she may be sacked as others came forward after me. So you never know some may get brave and talk?

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 12:43:54

Sadly there's not really anyone above him to complain to, & I really don't want to anyway.
I'm hoping more people will speak up but it's extremely doubtful, as they're all 2 faced unfortunately.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Mar-14 12:46:16

You never know if word gets out another parent may quietly tell you they're glad you spoke up.

Shame. I hate two faced people. Best of luck you sound like a great mam.

Anomaly Thu 06-Mar-14 12:59:10

I think if your eleven year old son is worried about you kicking off then maybe you need to work on how you bring up issues with other people. I can't stand wishy washy people but people who go over the top to put their point across can end up becoming a problem.

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 13:37:50

So, what happens when you kick off?

There is a difference between being assertive and kicking off.

RiojaHaze Thu 06-Mar-14 13:44:38

This happened to me a few years ago within my friendship group. The whole group had an issue with something one person was doing, I spoke up about it thinking they all were behind me but then they all turned on me making me look like the bad one!

It's made me realise how two-faced people are, and there are a lot of people pleasers who will just agree with the person they are with at the time. I'm still friends with them but knowing what they can be like I'm careful with what I say.

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 13:50:03

Lweji...we say kick off but to be honest I'm not shouty ( my disability means I can't shout), and certainly not violent. I think it's because no one else ever seems to stand up & speak out, and so my son only ever sees me doing it.
Rioja....it's hard isn't it? You think you're the voice of everyone then suddenly you're the outcast.
Certainly makes me see,again, that I'm a rarity in that I will not be 2 faced & go behind people's backs but will say what I think.

sonjadog Thu 06-Mar-14 13:53:43

You might be coming across differently than you think you do. From your OP, I think this has happened to you more than once, right? If I were you, I'd ask some friends for their honest opinion about why they think it is happening. How you see yourself is not always the same as how others see you.

Most people I have known who take pride in always saying what they think, come off much more aggressively and rudely than they realise.

Society actually depends on people not always saying what they think. Think of the carnage if everyone were perfectly honest all the time!

I think it's better to focus less on saying what you think, and more on getting what you want. Sometimes being brutally honest is helpful. Sometimes a quiet word is more effective. Sometimes putting up with a problem is better than making things worse.

My own mother taught me to stand up for myself, and I am grateful for that. But she only taught me how to do it in a way that was very confrontational and dramatic, nothing was ever her fault, she was just being honest, etc. This was a huge handicap for me when I left home and tried to navigate school and work.

I think if you're always the bad guy it's worth thinking about why that is. You can stand up for yourself without alienating everybody constantly.

HelenHen Thu 06-Mar-14 14:37:17

Ah Jackie I know how ya feel. I hate two faced bitch people and I too have fallen for the manipulative 'do my dirty work' cows. Some people turn it into an art form. My ds is only 20 months so I don't have to deal with schools yet but I've resolved myself to being polite when it comes to dealing with school stuff as I don't wanna embarrass the kids or make them lose friends cos I can't get on with everyone! I've only got a few friends but they are real friends and I know exactly where I stand with them. I've no time for those other people.

Fuck it!

JackieOHH Thu 06-Mar-14 14:45:32

The way it was done originally though wAs quietly....I simply messaged the trainer, politely and calmly outlining the issue and said I trusted his judgement to deal with it. Sadly he dealt with it badly (IMO), and I feel he should've explained to the parents WHY he was warning the boys, but he didn't. So they then came at me asking what there darlings had done & I calmly tried to explain, but they weren't having it, as their kids can do no wrong. One parent shouted at me aggressively so I (as best I can) shouted back. Now I'm the bad one.

I don't. Always say what I think, but if asked I don't lie, & if I've a problem I deal with it by going thru the proper channels.

JOHH did the trainer break your confidentiality?

JackieOHH Fri 07-Mar-14 09:41:46

freakin I don't know? I've not thought of that. Mainly because I don't really know what was said to the boys. But as soon as he'd 'had words' they knew it was concerning my son and straight away went to moan to their parents about the injustice of it all. Then parents knew it was me so yes, I suppose he did. Not actually sure what I can do about that tho?!

Thought so. I hope it all calms down soon for you and your son.

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