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Last night my DP 'came out'

(88 Posts)
NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 12:53:20

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

quietlysuggests Thu 27-Feb-14 12:56:29

I do not have any experience of this.
But I think in 5 years time your partner will be living with a man.

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 27-Feb-14 13:00:41

I would be worried that he is actually gay but that it was too much a step to take so bisexual is just the first step. If he is in fact bisexual then your relationship doesnt need to change. If he is gay then it will be very hard to maintain the status quo and very unfair on both of you. Do you have sex? is it good? I would consider myself to be bi sexual but as long as I remain married to my dh I would not cheat or look to involve anyone else in our relationship. If we separated that might be different. I am attracted to my dh and I really enjoy having sex with him and we do so regularly so our relationship is not adversely affected by me also being attracted to females sexually.

ClaudiusMaximus Thu 27-Feb-14 13:03:46

Yes, it's definitely thin end of the wedge. Is walk away now with your pride and dignity intact.

DodgyTaxCreditsQuestion Thu 27-Feb-14 13:06:15

Really?

Don't listen to this bullshit.

Being gay and bisexual are two different things, one isn't a 'gateway' into the other.

I am bisexual, my DP didn't know for the first 6 years of our relationship. I love him, I am committed to him and won't be leaving him for a woman just because I am attracted to both sexes. hmm

I think it is great that he has been honest with you. But he isn't any more likely to leave you than he was last week.

That's right, bisexuals are all gay and closeted (except when they're in same-sex relationships when they're straight and experimenting) hmm

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 13:10:05

What Neither and Dodgy said. Bisexual people are no more likely to cheat than anyone else.

'He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me.'

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. You don't seem to have any reason to believe he's been acting on his feelings so as Dodgy says, he's no more likely to leave you now than a week ago.

How do you feel about it?

NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 13:23:08

We have a fantastic sex life, and the sex is good. I rarely instigate it, usually him.

He said if his sexuality was split like a pie chart, his attraction to women would feature 70% of it.

It doesn't change my feelings toward him at all Lotta, though I feel that maybe he's not being completely honest when he says he doesn't want to see what it's like to be with a man. Won't that eventually leave him feeling unfulfilled or, is that not how it works?

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 13:29:17

TBH I'm in a similar position to your DP. I am curious and if my DP and I were to split, I would consider dating both men and women. Have only ever been with men in the past. However, I love my DP a lot and feel that he is the right person for me so I have no intention of cheating, ever. You can't experience everything that you're curious about in life, and certainly not at the expense of a good relationship.

I think it says a lot of good things about your relationship that he felt able to discuss this with you.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:31:19

*I do not have any experience of this.
But I think in 5 years time your partner will be living with a man.*

I think sentence one kind of cancels out sentence two there.

You both need to talk to someone about this as it's a huge transition.
How are you feeling about it? x

wouldbemedic Thu 27-Feb-14 13:31:50

Sounds stressful, OP. Sorry. I wouldn't listen to anyone predicting he'll turn out gay. They don't know what they're talking about. As for needing to know what it's like with a man, I would be inclined to believe him when he says he doesn't need to know. This could be much more about him accepting his own identity that about him wishing to change his life. All of us in monogamous relationships know what it's like to resolutely turn away from sexual fulfilment with people who aren't our partners. I wouldn't have thought it's quite that simple for your DP, but it sounds like the same principle. In another life, he might have liked to act on bisexual desires, but because he's with you, he doesn't. I would accept that. I'd also be careful not to betray him now by refusing to believe his word. This is about him wanting to be honest about who he is, and wanting to be honest with you. He doesn't deserve to be distrusted.

DodgyTaxCreditsQuestion Thu 27-Feb-14 13:35:17

Thankfully some smart people have come along.

Ignore the ignorant, verging on homophobic comments at the start of the thread.

Your DH obviously loves you, and has chosen to be with you as a person, there is nothing to worry about.

slug Thu 27-Feb-14 13:36:38

I wouldn't worry. I've had a couple of relationships with women but my primary sexual attraction is to men. DH is quite relaxed about it and in no way feels threatened by this. It's the person that you love, not the genitals.

The only effect it has on our relationship is the occasional conversation about women in a "well she does nothing for me" kind of way.

ToriaPumpkin Thu 27-Feb-14 13:38:57

A friend of mine is bisexual, but is only interested in having intercourse with women, the attraction to men is a purely aesthetic thing.

I think it says great things that he was able to speak to you about this. That he can be honest is fantastic.

hmm The posts at the top of the thread are extremely bigoted.

Most bisexual people are not gay in denial, or just out to fuck everything that moves. You wouldn't make those nasty generalizations about any other group of people, so I don't see why it should be acceptable for bisexuals.

plantsitter Thu 27-Feb-14 13:47:26

I think it is different to know that you are bisexual and THEN settle down with a partner rather than realising that you have sexual feelings for your own sex when already in a relationship with someone of the other.

I'm sorry because I'm not trying to be prescriptive about people's sexuality but if I were you I would find it very difficult to believe he didn't want to experiment. For me it would be a choice of allowing him to experiment while still in a relationship with me - which would make me feel crap - or admitting that he is going to in secret anyway if I didn't - again, crap - OR splitting up for a while to see where his heart lies. This last would also be crap but better than feeling like the rejected partner at home.

I do think his honesty is fantastic but you have to consider your own welfare. You don't have to 'reward' him for being honest to you, but I think it would be foolish to continue as if nothing had happened.

eisbaer Thu 27-Feb-14 13:53:41

If it's not going to impact on your relationship and he's not interested in trying being with a man, then why would he feel the need to tell you? Does he tell you about every woman he fancies? So he wants something more to develop with a man at some pt in the future I'll wager. Otherwise I don't understand the big bombshell announcement. I don't buy "bi", nor do many of my gay friends. You're either one or t'other ...
or in part-denial.

TheRaniOfYawn Thu 27-Feb-14 13:54:53

It really doesn't mean that he is missing out by staying with you. It's like, say, being attracted to people of different races or different body types. If a tall woman is only attracted to tall men and marries a tall man who doesn't care about his partner's height so long as the spark is there, this doesn't mean that he can't be monogamous because he is missing out on sex with short women. He might have fantasies about a woman gazing up at him, or off bending down and sweeping her up into his arms. He might even spend time dreaming about sexual positions where a height difference is required. But that doesn't mean that he isn't perfectly happy with his tall wife.

For most people in relationships, there are a whole lot of other people out there who they might feel a sexual attraction towards, and who, if they happened to split up with their current partner, they might consider going out with. They also might be unfaithful with them, if their relationship was in trouble and they didn't stop themselves from acting on it.

If you count yourself as 100% straight, then that group of hypothetical 'others' is going to be all the opposite sex.

If you identify as bisexual, then the group is going to contain a mix of men and women.

None of that means that a person is unhappy with the person they are currently with. Your chances of your partner either breaking off the relationship or being unfaithful are not altered by the fact that this hypothetical group of people aren't all women in his case.

He wants to be honest with you that, when he leers at a film scene, it might be Keanu Reeves instead of Keira Knightley that he noticed. No biggy!

Lj8893 Thu 27-Feb-14 13:58:01

From what you have said I don't think you have any need to worry, he just felt he needed to be honest with you that he is a little attracted to men.

I know many bisexual people (men and women) some of which have never actually had a sexual encounter with the same sex, they are just attracted to them. If they were single then maybe they would have a sexual encounter, but as they are in loving relationships, there is no desire for them to cheat with either sex.

If someones gonna cheat, they will cheat, regardless of thier sexuality. It doesn't sound like your partner is a cheater.

Grennie Thu 27-Feb-14 14:02:01

Yes being bisexual does not make you any more unlikely to be unfaithful. It simply means you are sexually attracted to both sexes.

Some people do come out as bisexual before coming out as gay or lesbian.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:02:11

Talking is good. Listening is better. It's taken him a long time to be able to realise and talk about this. And you've not wanted to bring it up while you've suspected about it (and I can totally understand why).

You've been together such a long time. Try not to panic or presume and keep talking.

All the very best of luck.

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:05:04

Is it just me or does anyone else feel if the OP had posted about her heterosexual partner having an internet search history and tumblr account, the response would be somewhat different?

I'm very label-averse and that colours my opinion a bit. No matter what he is, I also don't see why there was a need for a 'big announcement' if he loves you/is happy with you/is not looking for something else.

DitaVonCreamTeas Thu 27-Feb-14 14:05:08

I'm a straight woman very happily married to a wonderful bisexual man.

DH came out to me after our first few dates, thinking I'd be disgusted and run a mile. I wasn't. DH is as monogamous, loving, passionate and all 'round great chap as I could ever ask for. He just fancies men and women rather than 'just' women. He came out to me because not to would mean him living a lie, and the pressure of him doing so would, I'm sure, have torn the relationship apart.

4 years later and I couldn't be happier. I don't fear he's going to leave me for a man (or woman), I trust him not to. It's me he loves, not just because I have female genitals, and that makes me feel incredibly special and wanted.

How incredibly brave and lovely of your DP to trust you, he must have been terrified of how you would react. If you have no reason to disbelieve anything he says, then there's no reason why things should change - it might even bring you closer together. Let him know that you're not going to run for the hills and talk to him about it, and don't be afraid.

Don't listen to the homophobic bullshit; love him and accept him, and be open and trusting with each other, and your relationship will only get better. flowers

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:08:14

My experience is slightly different. When I met my husband, he had been with other men. Not 1 but 2. He was totally upfront and honest about it.

10 years later, we r happily married, with 1 DS and 1 on the way.

He loves me. I know he wouldn't cheat on me with anyone, male or female. But I know he feels he doesn't have to hide that part of him.

It isn't easy to hear. But that doesn't mean anything has to change.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:09:56

Someone looking at things on the internet because they are trying to accept and understand their own sexuality is nothing like a married man checking out women on the internet. Sorry, but it's not.

And a big announcement is better than him sneaking about on the internet, no?

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:10:24

Totally agree with above

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:11:09

I meant I agree with dita

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:16:00

And a big announcement is better than him sneaking about on the internet, no?

Well the answer to that depends on what happens next for the OP no? Surely it's not just now he's realising he's bisexual.

The two posters above who are with bisexual men and knew about it from the off, that's different imo.

I'm just making the point that his sexuality shouldn't matter if he's in a happy and exclusive relationship with OP. To put it another way, if my DH told me that, it would be somewhat similar in importance (in my eyes) to him telling me bought a litre of milk, given that we're in an exclusive relationship. Is there any other reason he'd be telling me?

NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 14:38:49

Some of the advice so far has been great. Thank you all so much.

There's no transition for me I suppose, I've known for quite some time. It's never been a big deal, I've always felt he'd tell me when he's ready. As for him, he said that he wants nothing to change between us, and if he's being honest about not wanting to be with anyone else, then I see no reason why it would.

I suppose I'll just have to trust that there's no motive behind him telling me Hellto. He's said it's just because he wants to be more open with me, I have no reason to think he's lying. Just have to wait and see I guess. I'm just glad he trusts me enough to not reject him.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:42:46

Sorry Hell not sure I understand what you mean cake

It's not something he's withheld or lied about - it takes people ages to come to terms with their sexuality.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:42:59

*some people

Hoppinggreen Thu 27-Feb-14 14:51:46

Telling you he is bisexual should be a problem as long as he isn't planning on being unfaithful to you ( or has been already)
If not then I don't think this changes anything in a practical sense - unless it changes how you feel about him?

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:53:54

Yes I know that Whatever but the fact of his coming out as bi doesn't change his current status, so obviously it's great that he was able to say it, but it doesn't mean anything changes, so I'm just wondering why it was bigger news than just normal conversation. But like I said, I'm not one for attaching much importance to labels so probably not showing enough empathy to someone who would consider it a big thing.

The concern I'd have is that he would now want to act on that given that he's been researching it, and acting on it would involve men since he's already with a woman. Nothing wrong with that in itself either, but in the context of a committed relationship, it would matter to the other person.

But OP if you're happy that nothing like that is on the cards, hopefully everything will just continue as normal.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:55:20

OK smile I hope it works out for you and DP too OP x

Dahlen Thu 27-Feb-14 15:03:23

Have you always been very open about your own sexual orientation and had discussions about it in the past? Have you friends/colleagues who are gay/bi? What I'm trying to establish is does your DP know that you are perfectly unbothered by his sexuality as long as it's compatible with being in a relationship with you?

Has he said anything somewhat homophobic in the past? Does he feel that being bisexual is something to be ashamed or wary of? THat might explain why he's making it such a big deal.

I think these questions are quite important. Because if he genuinely believes someone's sexual orientation is neither here nor there and does know that you are equally unbigoted, I'm with Heltotheno that he is giving this revelation an unwarranted significance.

It's only noteworthy if he's struggling with his own psychological hangups, is lacking confidence in your reaction, or looking to experiment.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 15:14:20

quietlysuggests can I just say that your opening gambit on this thread is perhaps the most spectacularly unhelpful and hilariously self unaware comments I have ever read.

After opening with the information that you go not have a schools what the fuck you are talking about, you then blithely and confidently tell the op that her DH will be soon living with a man. You are even confident enough in your opinion that you give a definite timescale. Splendid work!

Like quietly, I also have no direct experience of this but to me it sounds as if you have a good foundation of communication going which will stand you in good stead. Good luck x

ScarletStar Thu 27-Feb-14 15:19:13

I think you have a really healthy relationship and I'm sure your partner will be even happier now he's told you something that was obviously eating him up. He'll love you even more for being so understanding, as anyone would.

struggling100 Thu 27-Feb-14 16:02:34

I think you should probably see this as a very healthy thing: he trusts you a great deal to be able to admit this, and he has a great amount of faith in your relationship. For many people, sexuality is not an on/off thing, but a continuum, and he has simply recognized this. I know it might feel a bit like a paradigm shift, and I think it's normal to feel a bit of anxiety about an announcement like that simply because it's new - but it really doesn't change anything between you. The main thing is he loves you and wants to be with you!

hookedonchoc Thu 27-Feb-14 16:04:55

To those who wonder what the point of the big announcement was, you only have to read some of the posts on this thread to see there is a shocking amount of biphobia still out there. So coming out can be quite terrifying, particularly if you fear losing the most important relationship in your life.

Not coming out on the other hand means lying by omission to the one's spouse and never quite being able to be oneself, always keeping guard against a stray glance or comment which might give you away.

Imo it is a big deal for many people, and it seems the OP and her dh have handled it admirably. Being out to an accepting spouse no doubt comes as a great relief to him.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 27-Feb-14 16:33:13

I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to people. in my life so far, around 80% of them have been men. I'm married to a man. However, I feel it's important for me to be 'out' because it's part of who I am. unless you are gay or bi you will never know just how many times a day you have to bite your tongue, and how many times a day you are reminded that your perfectly natural attraction is not 'normal'.
my husband knows, he doesn't care beyond enjoying discussing women we both find attractive! he knows I love him.
I hate the way being gay or bi is always reduced purely to a function of genitalia...it's so much more than that. to me, it's just means that I see the person, then the gender.

ignore the biphobic nastiness up thread - truly sickening.

NotNewButNameChanged Thu 27-Feb-14 16:39:29

eisbaer said "I don't buy "bi", nor do many of my gay friends. You're either one or t'other ... or in part-denial."

This, along with some of the other biphobic bullshit on this thread, is quite frankly disgusting. Homosexuality may well be far more 'acceptable' these days but that cannot be said for bisexuality. I find it astonishing that the worst biphobia does tend to come from gay people who, quite frankly, ought to know better and show a lot more understanding.

Shame on you and your gay friends.

jayho Thu 27-Feb-14 17:23:58

My son describes himself as 'pan-sexual' which I find easier to understand than 'bi-sexual' for some reason. He's attracted to everyone, he doesn't see the gender/sexuality differences/constructs that most of us do - including me, I'm heterosexual, that's it, no prejudice but that's the way I roll.

I think it's a positive move by your dp, doesn't mean anything much more than he's an honest bloke.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:31:21

There is that old saying on the gay scene... 'bi now, gay later' grin but only pretty thick people actually believe it.

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 17:36:23

This reminds me of the nauseating snuggery when Tom Daley came out as bi recently. Lots of 'oh bless him well OF COURSE we all knew he was gay all along'... When the poor bloke actually said he still fancied girls. It takes a special kind of arrogance to think you know someone else's sexuality better than they do

PaulaFletch14 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:36:57

I do have experience of this. My ex husband was bi sexual I found out after 8 years together three of them married. I found out by catching him watching gay porn. Things were never the same. I stuck it out for another six years. Eventually it came between us and I left. I didn't tell anyone in all that time. Obviously if he felt the need for porn then being married wasn't enough. I had no doubt he loved me but everyone has needs. Looking back the sex was never great and I now know why. I am now happily engaged to be married to a wonderful man and my ex husband since the split has had one women and over 35 men despite his pleas that he fancies women more. You need to talk but it won't be easy take it from someone who has been there. Good luck

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 17:37:01

Should be 'smuggery' of course!

wouldbemedic Thu 27-Feb-14 17:48:12

If my DH, or any other partner I've had, felt attracted to other men, I know it would be a big deal for them and would feel like a heavy burden not to share. It would feel like an identity issue for them - did I know who they were and still love them? Of course the answer should always be yes, but I can understood someone feeling the need to check. Sadly. OP your partner doesn't need an ulterior motive for wanting to share this with you. Presumably there is a reason why he picked yesterday out of all the other days, but it doesn't have to be the reasons that some posters have assumed. You need to keep talking together about this because your fears and questions need to be answered. That said, don't let anyone on mumsnet give you extra fears. There are plenty of bigoted crazies around - fun to chat with but I wouldn't listen to for a moment smile

I'd say everything should be fine til he meets someone he's attracted to.

Like anyone else really.

ethelb Thu 27-Feb-14 18:04:25

What a horribly biphobic thread. OP you seem to be handling it quite well though. Good luck.

BadlyStuffedWalrus Thu 27-Feb-14 19:43:22

I always thought I was gay but realised I was probably bi in the course of my marriage. I was completely faithful until the day my partner died. I was also open with her about everything because that's the way we worked. Honesty makes life easier, and I don't think it harmed us. You'll be fine as long as you can talk to each other.

str8tothepoint Thu 27-Feb-14 20:09:15

Why did he decide to say after all this time is my biggest wonder?

Does he now want an open relationship so he can try with men?

Good that he's being honest but he's had a long time to say something before committing to a relationship

tawse57 Thu 27-Feb-14 20:16:28

You should consider yourself fortunate that he has admitted this part of his sexuality - it shows that he loves you and needed to share it with you.

There are plenty of married bi-sexual men and women who have not told their partners and then, sadly, they have flings, encounters or affairs on the quiet in order to satsify their bi-sexual needs.

However, I would strongly suggest that you talk through some of his from a sexual perspective as, frankly, he may have sexual needs that need fulfilling - it would be best if you could help fulfill them than him becoming frustrated and going off behind your back with another man.

There are things that a woman can do for her man sexually that will go some way to fulfilling such needs. I won't go into them on here but you can do a google and read up about them. Perhaps by taking those extra few steps sexually you can fulfill any bi-sexual need within him and thus he will no longer have any need to consider looking elsewhere - if that makes any sense.

Best of luck.

YellowTulips Thu 27-Feb-14 20:41:54

I fully agree with many posters that a bi person is no more or less likely to cheat than a straight one - this forum is surely testament (sadly) to that fact.

What's not clear is why he told you now.

Is it because he has perhaps struggled with his sexuality and having come to terms with this he wants to share this as part of a committed an honest relationship?

Is it because he has known this for some time and is looking to test your reaction with a view to gaining your permission to experiment?

Is it because is actually gay rather than bi and wants to break the revelation more gently?

Is his sexuality "fluid" - by this I mean he has periods of being more attracted to one sex than the other at various life points rather than an equal attraction to both all the time? Is this the reason for the disclosure?

On the face value of your posts there is no reason for your relationship to change or to be under any more threat of infidelity than before this conversation.

However I think it's impossible to give you any guidance until you really understand the emotional trigger for his declaration. thanks

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 20:43:39

by taking those extra few steps sexually you can fulfill any bi-sexual need within him and thus he will no longer have any need to consider looking elsewhere

Oh please. Is it absolutely beyond the bounds of possibility that OP could just continue doing what she's doing to 'keep' her partner, since that's what attracted her partner in the first place??

NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 21:10:11

Tawse I don't think I could live with myself if I changed the way I behaved to prevent him straying. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but I'd rather he did it on his own terms without humiliating myself in the process...

YellowTulips Thu 27-Feb-14 21:22:13

Well said OP.

tawse57 Thu 27-Feb-14 22:37:36

* Helltotheno* - You are naive IMPO. But then it is not YOUR husband who has just come out as being bi-sexual is it?

NameChangeExtraordinare - I wasn't suggesting that you humiliate yourself. I was just suggesting that perhaps you can offer him something a bit more in your sexual relationship that will fulfill his needs and avert any chance of him ever going elsewhere to have those needs fulfilled.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 22:41:28

tawse are you joking? What would you like her to do precisely?

Seriously, I am intrigued!

What a load of tosh.

ethelb Thu 27-Feb-14 23:11:43

Oh i dread to think what tawse57 is suggesting.

Would u suggest a husband change his sexual behaviour if his wife said she was bisexual?

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 23:56:31

But then it is not YOUR husband who has just come out as being bi-sexual is it?

Well if you read and understood my posts, you'd know I wouldn't actually care if my DH came out as bisexual; it's not high on the scale of things that bother me. And no I wouldn't be purchasing a supply of dildos and vibrating plugs just to make sure he didn't jump the postman. Sheesh.

You're the one who's naïve if you think people need to start performing sexual acrobatics just to prevent their partners straying!

Heebiejeebie Fri 28-Feb-14 00:07:15

I think that were he saying 'I find other women sexually attractive' and cruising lots of straight porn, people would be more aggressive. My limited experience of people coming out to their partners, well into a relationship, is that they no longer wished to suppress that part of themselves. First emotionally and then physically. I would want to know why now? And what now?

shoom Fri 28-Feb-14 01:04:01

My first impression on reading this wasn't about him, it was about the OP. Quite frankly it's a bit of bombshell, or at least could have been if you hadn't seen the internet signs over the last few years. I think that has to be considered alongside the comments about how lovely it is that he can be honest with you (now). What about you? How do you feel? How did you feel during those years when you suspected but didn't ask him about it? Okay it's maybe not up there with discovering he is into Dire Straits but it is significant thing, and feeling that you are not exactly delighted with the news is in no way homophobic. It's too late at night for me to find a suitable analogy, but if you dislike the idea of your DP looking at gay porn (or whatever he was doing on the internet) then you can be honest about that. There could be lots of discussion about what each of you want and will accept from the other. It sounds like you want to downplay it and move on, but now is maybe the best time to lay the foundations for your relationship going forward.

best wishes.

ClaudiusMaximus Fri 28-Feb-14 01:24:58

Not at all.

Pretty much without exception when a husband confesses something to his wife on here, it is always "the thin end of the wedge". "We only kissed" usually means "we've had sex". It's always the way. The husbands only admit to what they think they can get away with.

Hence my advice to the OP. This will be the thin end of the wedge. Leave now with your pride and dignity intact before any further 'revelations'. It's what I would do.

Well some heteromonogamous people are actually perfectly OK with having a bi partner who sometimes has or seeks sex with people of the other gender. And plenty of bisexual people are deeply monogamous, but (as lots of other non-fuckwitted posters have said) prefer not to have to keep an important aspect of themselves hidden from those they love.
You know your partner, OP. YOu know how well your relationship works. THe world is full of stupid, heteromonogamy-obsessed mundanes, but it's safe to ignore them and carry on doing what suits you.

KissesBreakingWave Fri 28-Feb-14 03:16:43

What SolidGoldBrass said. Thin end of the wedge my muscular and manly buttocks.

yourehavingalaugh Fri 28-Feb-14 08:55:12

The fact he has told you now is significant. He obviously can't conceal his feelings any more. What he does with them next is the issue. Is he preparing you for something?

NotNewButNameChanged Fri 28-Feb-14 09:00:33

Claudius so presumably if your husband heard you and your friend discussing a film you've been to see with, say, George Clooney, and he hears you say that you find him very sexy, your husband should leave because clearly you are going to go off and shag George Clooney?

hookedonchoc Fri 28-Feb-14 09:01:55

I disagree entirely that the timing has some sinister significance. It is most likely imo that this is simply the first time he has felt able to broach the subject after years of trying. Some people come to terms with their sexuality quickly, but for others it can take many years before they are able to accept themselves and still longer before they pluck up the courage to mention it to anyone else. From the information given, there is no reason to presume that he is about to act on his feelings.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 09:51:44

Some horrible assumptions on this thread. I came out to dh as bi fairy recently I'd be lying if I said it was easy on us there has been a lot of upset and confusion and fear understandably. We have been together more than 10 years since our teens it took me a long time to even notice I was bisexual and even longer to accept it myself. I did a lot of soul searching, googling, reading bi forums etc before admitting it to dh this wasnt me being secretive but accepting it myself first. To use the earlier comparison I'm probably leaning 90% towards women 10% towards men but I categorically do not want to end my marriage or go elsewhere or have any intention of being unfaithful.

I didn't come out for any sinister reason but because I needed to admit and accept who I am. If your straight you probably have no idea how difficult it is to hide a whole side of yourself, to be aware of every glance or comment you make to feel unable to express yourself and have others assume your something you are not. Finally realising your sexuality is a massive thing especially if your already in a commited relationship, its like a second puberty hormones are racing, thoughts consume you and you have no outlet, sharing your sexuality with your partner gives you that outlet before I told dh I wasn't sleeping, constantly angry felt like my head would burst. Of course its difficult for dh too I'm sure he would rather I was straight but he loves me regardless.

isitme1 Fri 28-Feb-14 09:58:18

flowers op I think you have a very loving open relationship and I believe your dp

HeebieJeebie to my mind it is different if a heterosexual man suddenly starts looking at porn when he hasn't before, or suddenly starts mentioning that he finds other women attractive. There has usually been no reason for him to keep that aspect of himself 'closeted' during the relationship, so it's sensible to look for a 'reason' for the change in behaviour.

The attitudes in society in general, and here on this thread, leave it perfectly clear why a man probably would feel uncomfortable about admitting to bisexual feelings, and why he would do his best to suppress it. Even with his reluctance to speak about it, the OP has seen signs throughout their relationsip that made her wonder.

Therefore the only thing that has changed is that he has finally decided that it is better to be open about it with her. So - no need to assume he is going to want/need to take it further, until and unless that happens.

tawse I find your last few posts quite odd, tbh. Bisexuality means feelings of sexual attraction towards both genders. Obviously, the activities you choose in bed may vary with the gender of the person you are with, but 'sexuality' and 'sexual needs' don't arrive in neat little boxes with a label on.

Yes, a man may enjoy some things that female partners don't immediately think to offer, but the fact that he finds other men sexually attractive doesn't automatically mean that he wants specific things out of sex, and the fact that he doesn't find other men sexually attractive doesn't mean that he wouldn't like those things.

People want mutually-satisfying sex, within the context of a positive and supportive relationship. So long as that is happening, someone bisexual isn't going to feel a desperate 'need' to have sex with another person, whatever their gender or sexuality, any more than a straight person has a desperate 'need' to be unfaithful.

str8tothepoint Fri 28-Feb-14 15:43:08

I think you should just talk to him, none of us have the answers.

Plus some are not being very nice, your partner has the answers

DistanceCall Fri 28-Feb-14 15:52:55

There is a difference between having homoerotic fantasies and actually wanting to have sexual relationships with a man. And even having sex with a man would not necessarily mean that he is not heterosexual.

I agree with other posts that you need to talk and see how this can fit into your life as a couple.

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 15:59:21

If my husband came out as bisexual that would be a huge issue for me. He properly has never had a same sex encounter so it is likely that him telling you he is bisexual is the first step and the next will be the talk, the talk to ask if he can explore his sexuality.

I also think a lot of bisexual men end up with men unlike bisexual women where the majority stick with the opposite sex.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 16:49:28

Its just ignorant to assume only women are truly bisexual and men will end up with men because they are just in denial right? Being honest about who you are doesn't mean you want approval to explore or be unfaithful

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:45:53

How is it ignorant if it is true? I never said only women were truly bisexual, I said majority of women end up with men as their life partners.

Why tell her this if he did not want to explore? how can he help himself? he has admitted he is attracted to men and I am sure he been looking at gay porn so how long is that going to keep him satisfied? curiosity killed the cat you know.

I like to see an update in an year time and I be the first to say I told you so.

I am bisexual and although I have never been with a woman and am now married to a man it's still something I identify with. I do not have a desire to explore what it would be like to be with a woman and I don't feel unfulfilled.

I think it is easier for women though. There's still a bit of a taboo with men about the idea of being gay as in you either are or you aren't. In my experience nobody has really been slightly thrown by my being bisexual, in fact I've had a lot of comments saying "Most women are" which TBH I think is a bit hmm.

It might be something he's not thought about before now and now suddenly it's come up and he wanted to be honest with you about it so that you didn't worry if he ever made a comment about a man etc.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 19:01:32

Because how can you possibly know that? How do you know that there isn't lots of women in what appears to be lesbian relationships who are bi, or married men in straight relationships who are bi, people don't wear signs. There is a big difference between curiosity and following it through, looking at gay porn isn't a gateway to cheating if anything it may help scratch the itch, do men who look at straight porn end up cheating with other women? Or vice versa straight women?

Grennie Fri 28-Feb-14 19:02:46

Bertie, nobody has an issue with women being bisexual. Indeed it is almost expected. Being lesbian is treated totally differently, especially when you make it clear that really does mean you have no interest in men.

NameChangeExtraordinare Fri 28-Feb-14 20:06:29

It was incredibly difficult for him to tell me. I believe he's been working himself up to it for a while, and I get why. He was raised by a religious relative who thought gays and white people were heathens, in a house with cousins who thought unless you're manly and unfeeling you're gay. He was a sensitive child and was called gay, and was bullied by them. I knew that, so the minute I started getting an idea about it I knew he wouldn't find it easy to tell me, so I waited...

I really believe him when he says he loves and is attracted to me. The man deserves an oscar if he's lying. Some of these posts have been really quite bigoted, and I'm a bit shocked by it tbh.

TheRaniOfYawn Fri 28-Feb-14 20:17:12

Actually, now I think about it, pretty much all the bisexual men I know are married to women.

I'm sure it is Grennie sad I'm under no illusions, it's astonishingly easy for me to be bisexual and yet never have dated a woman, because it means that anybody I choose to tell just accepts their own reality of it without questioning it. I suspect most of my family think it was a passing phase or curiosity I grew out of or consoled themselves that "It's okay because she dates men"

Upnotdown Sat 01-Mar-14 10:16:49

I suppose it's a bit of a surprise for you but I can't see how bisexual = cheater? It shouldn't really have any effect other than you now know something you didn't before...

wouldbemedic Sat 01-Mar-14 22:14:02

OP my heart goes out to your DP. He's really lucky to have you. After a miserable childhood such as he's had, your compassion and sensitivity must be his pole star - sounds like he knows it, too. You'll work this out.

Reading the responses on this thread have shocked me too. I hadn't realised there were so many paranoid, ill-informed women on the relationships board. Won't be queuing up here for advice anytime soon.

Good luck. thanks

JadziaSnax Sun 02-Mar-14 02:39:06

Good on him for being able to open up and tell you. From what you've said, it seems like it's taken him a while to come to terms with it. You sound lovely too, and really supportive, perceptive and open minded flowers. I'm horrified by some of the biphobic posts. Sexuality is a spectrum, not an either/or option.

I came out as bi to my (then) DP when we'd been together for just over a year. I was worried about his reaction but had to be honest with him. He was 'the one', the person I saw as my potential life partner. He took it pretty well and we've been together now for 22 years & married for 17 years. My sexuality does not automatically make me unfaithful. A cheater is a cheater, whatever their sexual orientation.

I agree with wouldbemedic, you'll work it out.

veryconfused2 Sun 02-Mar-14 19:07:01

I think the fact he has been open with you about it bodes well. I recently found out my DH is a crossdresser and he eventually acknowledge he may be bisexual. However, his behaviour has been inappropriate - my DH was having cyber sex with transexual/bi/gay men and got off on men watching him masturbate on web cams. He didn't tell me any of this I had to find out. So what I am trying to say is if your partner has not interacted with other men whilst in a relationship with you and the fact he is honest about his sexuality probably bodes well. In my case, my husband's deception is what has been hard to deal with.

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