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Separated 2 weeks ago. Miss him so much. But he is furious

(47 Posts)
Annasdjebrouni Wed 26-Feb-14 19:23:48

So, we separated 2 weeks ago. We have a 19month old girl and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Separation came after a bitter bitter row where he got so aggressive that I called the police. He started smashing things and pushed me. He did not hit me. Anyway, he is angry cos I called the police and he says he is the victim as I started the row and wouldn't let him simply storm out when he wanted to. He is quite controlling and doesn't see boundaries, ie during a row he will say anything that comes into his head, no matter how awful. He told me I am cancer in his life and he wants to kill himself to get away from me etc. If he gets upset, and the tiniest thing can upset him, he goes silent. If I ask what's wrong he'll say he is tired but then not speak to me for a week. Or until I 'start a row' by questioning him again. He says when he does this it's ok cos 'he isn't doing anything to me and I come to him to start a argument'.

Despite all this, I miss him so much. I want to be with him. I want to try relationship counselling. I want to learn to communicate better. We have one child, we will have another and I still love him. He is still extremely angry so I'm not contacting him. Trying to get some space and will see how I feel in 30 days.

I know that a lot of people will say 'why so you want to be with someone who treats you like that' but I just do. I sometimes wish I didn't love him but I do and I miss him. Maybe I'm just being silly. My hormones are kinda everywhere.

Sorry for venting. I just don't know where else to turn

Back2Two Wed 26-Feb-14 19:27:06

I think you should just have some time for yourself and get counselling for yourself. He sounds awful.

fifi669 Wed 26-Feb-14 19:35:46

Wouldn't let him storm out? Did you block his way? Is that why he pushed you? I know if a bloke were to do that to a woman he'd be thought of as the aggressor.... Just saying. It doesn't excuse the way he talked to you etc in any way.

Apart from that you don't sound like you had the healthiest of relationships. It'll hurt like hell but you'll find someone better. Ex left me when 20 weeks pregnant, I cried every day til DS was about a month old. Looking back at our relationship it's the nicest thing he ever did for me! With a lovely man now smile

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 26-Feb-14 19:37:35

Do you miss the violent bully you were living with or the loving man you thought you had married?

Anna I'm so, so sorry you're going through this thanks

Back is right, he sounds awful. He is abusive and has been physically aggressive. And he is blaming you for his faults.

He is the father of your dc, and I would imagine that a part of you will always love him. But you and your dc cannot put up with his abuse. None of you are safe staying with him, and he is trying to guilt trip you into thinking that you are at fault by being angry with you.

Please, please don't back down x

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 26-Feb-14 19:38:10

Hello op this must be hellish for you. Your hormones will be making you feel so vulnerable.

Please give your self a breather.

Nobody in a loving relationship says these thing to each other or get violent. It's not healthy for you or your small children.

You need to protect all three of you.

He sounds horrible.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 26-Feb-14 19:40:30

He's an abusive bully.

Your children deserve better than to grow up in a home with him living in it.

Lweji Wed 26-Feb-14 19:45:53

You may want to try, but he'd have to want to change and I doubt he will.

Keep strong and away from him.

Annasdjebrouni Wed 26-Feb-14 19:57:08

I haven't been an angel. I shout and scream at him. Whenever he wants to storm out I bar his way, mostly because he insists on having his whole say and then wants to storm out so I don't get a chance to say anything back.

I know he would need to want to work at it. I am living in a state of perpetual hope that he will choose to when he calms down.

I'm not an idiot, I can see this is the best thing to happen but I feel drawn to him. Part of our problem is his controlling and he can not cope at all with my emotions. He struggles to deal with them at all. The only emotion is allows himself to access is anger. I'm not painting a pretty picture. But I am trying to be honest now. I am aware that being without him will be better in the long run but I just don't think I'm ready for it to be over. I don't feel like we've tried hard enough. I just want him. Probably the man I think I have married and not who he is. The guy I dated who was kind, loving, clever, funny etc... All the good bits we display at the start. Just miss him. Can't bare the thought of being in love with him for all the years coming and him not wanting me

livingzuid Wed 26-Feb-14 19:57:37

Sorry this has happened to you. But stay away, stay well away. How awful of him to make you take the blame for everything in his life. Nasty bully. Dangerous for your dcs in particular.

Please don't take him back. Have you access to any counselling?

It won't be easy but it will be worth it to build a secure and safe life with your lovely dcs thanks

defineme Wed 26-Feb-14 19:59:05

You have to protect both your children.
It would be deeply wrong to consider letting your kids live in the same house as someone who behaves in that way-do you want them to live in fear? Do you want them to grow up anxious and depressed? Do you want them to turn into people who will do anything to keep the peace?

You love him, but don't you love your kids more-you're meant to protect them? I don't just mean protect them from physical harm. I mean protect them from becoming messed up dysfunctional adults because they've been exposed to this kind of nonsense. I see kids who suffer the consequences of their parents relationships and it's heart breaking. Much more heart breaking than seeing an adult woman separate from her husband. I do have sympathy for you, but I have more for them.

You did the right thing calling the police. It'll be hard to let go, but you'll get stronger and it doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.You could be in a healthy, normal, easy, stress free relationship with no silence/explosions/walking on eggshells-they really do exist.

livingzuid Wed 26-Feb-14 19:59:57

Just X posted sorry. It doesn't matter if you scream although I am pretty sure your frustration leads to your behaviour I used to get like that with X simply because he wouldn't ever listen it was like trying to communicate with mud. But please remember none of this is your fault. None.

Mammy2Be Wed 26-Feb-14 20:12:23

Hi OP. are you me? Honestly, I am going through the EXACT same thing. Have a 13 month old DD and am 8 wks pregnant. DH has always had massive anger issues but they seem to have gotten so much worse since DD was about 6 months old. And have gotten worse even still since I told him about this pregnancy (which we were actively trying for). Logic tells me all the usual things that various Mumsnet boards reaffirm, but emotionally this is beyond SHIT. the only difference between me and you is that he all but walked out on us two weeks ago and I managed to talk him down. Begged him to try counselling but he completely stonewalls that idea. We're just going to 'try really hard'. However it only really appears to me trying. He's his usual moody self. And I, all the while, degrade myself daily by grovelling for his approval and affection and just a little bit of communication.
But I'm simply not ready to let go of the idea of a happy family upbringing for my children. Just not ready.
Wish we were friends in RL. I have some friends I can vaguely talk to, but not complete openly. I do find myself censuring the details.

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:02

You will get stronger - you need to concentrate on your children now. It would be really really shit for them to grow up with him around all the time. What does he do for a living? can he only express himself with anger at work, or does he save that for you?

MadBusLady Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:24

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. You can't learn to "communicate better" with a violent bully. There's no way of communicating with them. He hasn't tried hard enough, you're quite right, but you can't do all the trying for both of you.

AbleAble Wed 26-Feb-14 20:19:39

Annas and, also, Mammy what are your financial arrangements?

And do you have family - loving parents/siblings/close friends to help you out?

You both need to ditch these abusive losers fast.

Annasdjebrouni Wed 26-Feb-14 20:23:19

I'm so sorry your going through this, but a little glad it's not just me! I can't open up completely to my friends. They are trying to be supportive and they all think he's an asshole and I'm better off but I can't get it into my head. He's only left cos I called he police and everytime we have spoken since that is all he brings up 'what I did' in that voice that says it is all my fault. Like I was the one in the wrong for not takin his shit!! I wake up strong and confident but by this time of the day I'm a mess.

I asked him to try counselling and he used to say he didn't see the point. What would it achieve? Spilling all out details to someone who doesn't understand us etc etc. So annoying. Maybe I'm being stupid. Just miss him. Just not ready. Just a bit weak I guess

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:24:50

"But I'm simply not ready to let go of the idea of a happy family upbringing for my children. Just not ready." The only way your children will have a happily family upbringing is if you get rid of him!

Annasdjebrouni Wed 26-Feb-14 20:25:09

With my hubby having moved out I am in the process of claiming benefits. Had to quit my job. He has started paying maintenance though. I have family but not very close by. 45 mins away.

LEMmingaround Wed 26-Feb-14 20:26:23

You don't miss him, you miss who you thought he was - sadly, he isn't that person, he is a violent bully who scared you so much that you had to call the police, and you are pregnat - he is disgusting!

MadBusLady Wed 26-Feb-14 20:30:50

You're not weak, you're a normal, nice person with normal, nice person feelings. You need time for your feelings to catch up with the real situation, which is that this man is essentially not a loving person and cannot, and isn't, giving you the love you deserve. In the meantime, stay strong, don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, but don't contact him either.

clam Wed 26-Feb-14 21:21:06

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Sweetheart it's not just you sad

Unfortunately the more time you spend on the relationship board the more you will see that you are not alone - at all

There are some massively horrible people/men out there. I'm just so sorry that you have come across one of them sad

tess73 Wed 26-Feb-14 21:33:34

Don't take him back
A lot of domestic violence starts in pregnancy.
Keep well away, for your kids if not for yourself.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 26-Feb-14 21:39:07

If you miss him so much just get back with him OP. He sounds like such a nice bloke.

Annasdjebrouni Wed 26-Feb-14 21:41:59

Maybe I'm afraid of how I'll cope with a 2yr old and a new born. He is a great dad. He's a Jekyll and Hyde though. Super loving and attentive then BAM moody n grumpy.

I know I'm better off but I just can't see it right now. There's something about him....

pointythings Wed 26-Feb-14 21:42:02

I think you should allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the man you thought you had, but everyone else on this thread is right - he is not good for you. He is controlling, he wants to storm out so that you cannot put your side of whatever disagreement you are having, he is aggressive, he blames everything on you and takes no responsibility for any of it himself.

He will not change.

You do need counselling - the kind that will help you value yourself as an individual, as a strong woman who deserves a loving, supportive man. Then you can move on and not fall for another bullying, abusive arse.

glastocat Thu 27-Feb-14 07:30:45

He sounds like a nasty bastard, and your poor kids will suffer if you go back to him. Come on, don't they (and you) deserve more?

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 07:43:50

Think very carefully if you really love this man, or the idea you have of him. We often end up loving only the good side and the potential we see in them, and ignore the reality and how bad it can be.

You are now mourning that ideal you had. Once you start getting over it, you will probably notice how much happier your home is, how much easier it is to deal with children when the abuser is not there.

Be outraged at him. That he is angry about you calling the police and not at his behaviour.
Think what you'd tell your daughter if she was in a relationship like yours was.

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 27-Feb-14 07:44:25

I was in a relationship like this. I screamed and shouted, I thought I was argumentative. I knew the relationship was dysfunctional but I found it so hard to let go. I wasted 10 years of my life in that relationship. Whatca monumental waste of time. It was terribly damaging to my self estene.

We eventually split up when he had an affair and got another woman pregnant. Even then I missed him like crazy and found it impossible to imagine myself with anyone else.

Now, many years later, I look back with regret that we didn't end it sooner. I've had a few relationships since, including my lovely DH now. And do you know what, I don't scream or shout. I can't imagine doing that now. It wasn't me it was him after all! My problem was not being able to let go of a relationship that was so obviously bad for me.

I do think you should go for counselling, but not with him, on your own. You need to recognise that the feeling that you want to bs with him us a strong feeling, but that doesn't mean you should act on it, as this relationship is destructive. You need help in getting through this bit.

I promise, when you look back, after you've got over him (and you will, even though it may seem impossible now!) you will be glad you're free of this.

There can be a future for you with a happy loving relationship, but it's not with this man.

gamerchick Thu 27-Feb-14 07:48:29

Good dads... or mams for that matter don't put their kids through this kind of thing.

You don't have the luxury of thinking of yourself.

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 27-Feb-14 08:13:31

I totally recognise the idea of just loving the good bits. With my ex, I saw the bits when we got on as the "real" him, and the bits where he treated me badly as a mistake, something we could put right if we tried hard enough. I was in love with the good bits and was able to disregard the bad bits.

Now I recognise it was all the "real" him. No amount of trying would ever gave changed that.

JemimaJones Thu 27-Feb-14 08:35:55

Hi OP, sorry your feeling so sad. His behaviour is not conducive to a calm relationship but you seem to feel that your behaviour is not good either in that you scream and shout at him. Do you feel that communication is a big issue for the two of you? How do you talk to him on a day to day basis. Are you supportive and kind and respectful in all communication other than the row. What is he like .Is he respectful, kind and supportive normally. What causes the rows initially. Does he want to storm off to cool down. Do you feel that you would both benefit from learning how to communicate better with each other without things having to get to such a point where you are both losing control.

MorrisZapp Thu 27-Feb-14 08:42:32

I'm really sorry but he isn't a great dad. Great dads are kind and trustworthy all the time, not just when they happen to be in a good mood.

If the whole family has to walk on eggshells round one person, then that person is not a great parent.

Isetan Thu 27-Feb-14 10:07:02

If it was just you then ok you're an adult it's your prerogative to have him back. However, you have children and 'I luuuuuurve him' doesn't cut it. Your children only have one childhood, do not blight it with this dysfunctional relationship.

kentishgirl Thu 27-Feb-14 10:15:20

You both sound awful and in need of a big dose of growing up. He yells. You yell. He tries to leave. You prevent him from leaving. It escalates. You end up calling the police.

You need to stop watching Eastenders. Normal people don't behave like this. Your poor children.

You both need to seek help with communications and relationships, either separately, or together.

wyrdyBird Thu 27-Feb-14 10:44:07

he got so aggressive that I called the police.He started smashing things and pushed me. He did not hit me.
What if he had? Is that the line you've drawn, it's ok if he doesn't hit me?

It's not ok. I know you miss him, but please don't take him back. He is a textbook, classic, emotionally stunted domestic abuser.

He blames you. The tiniest thing upsets him. He gives you the silent treatment. You ask something, that's 'starting an argument'. Smashes things. Jekyll and Hyde. And you're pregnant.

He will only get worse, I'm afraid. You can't get back the man you dated, because for him that WAS a display, which went on long enough to hook you in. When you say he only has access to angry emotions, you're right. He doesn't care about your emotions. He's angry with you, a) for being an independent person with needs and b) for not doing exactly what he wants, and thinking exactly what he wants you to think. He can't understand it, never will.

Have a look at the links at the top of this thread

Many women have been where you are. Please don't take him back.

Pagwatch Thu 27-Feb-14 10:49:38

He really isn't a great dad.
That is bollocks I'm afraid. It is terribly self indulgent of you to pretend that he is.
It's incredibly sad that you think that you are giving your children a better option by continuing to live in a thoroughly childish, aggressive and damaging situation.
You have lost any sense of how people who loved each other behave

Annasdjebrouni Thu 27-Feb-14 11:06:28

I've never watched eastenders. And I've never said 'I luuuurve him'.

This isn't a case of oh my god, I can't imagine my life without him. My life is over I'm gonna kill myself. I'm not a teenager who is in lust and infatuated. I'm actually in love with someone, bad or good, those feeling don't change. I will have 2 children by this man. And right now I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact this might be over. Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?

There is some good advice here. Thank you. The relationship wasn't always bad. I suppose I just feel like we haven't explored all the options yet. We haven't tried everything to make it work and get back that respect and trust.

Charley50 Thu 27-Feb-14 11:07:23

It's normal to feel sad, especially as you are pregnant but you and your children will be a million times happier without him. He doesn't take any responsibility for his own actions- very bad sign, and shows that he has no insight into how his behaviour affects his 'loved ones.'
He is is awful and abusive and doesn't want to change.
I grew up with a dad like that; I've had lifelong self esteem and relationship issues, as has my one remaining sibling. My other brother is dead: he committed suicide. That is how much having abusive parents can affect a child.
He has given you a gift by leaving; accept it.

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 11:16:48

What do you think are your options if he doesn't want to respect you?

You can't make him love you. Or treat you with respect even. You can only choose to put up with it or not.

It does make you a better mother not to subject your children to a man who doesn't love or respect their mother. And not to subject the children to a man who smashes things around the house.

You don't have to be unhappy. In fact, once the fog is past, you'll see that you can actually be happier.

apartridgeinapeartree Thu 27-Feb-14 11:23:42

"We haven't tried everything to make it work and get back that respect and trust."

It will never come back. He's voted with his feet anyhow (I remember a friend saying that when my ex and I split up. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to).

"Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?"

It makes you a better mother to be without him, yes, absolutely.
But not a martyr. You and he will never be happy in this relationship. You can continue to waste more of your life pursuing a man who does not exist (the one he seemed to be when you got together), but it won't result in happiness, for you or your kids. Only leaving him gives you a real chance at happiness.

I wonder how I would have reacted had mumsnet existed when I was with my ex. Badly I suspect! I would have argued that I knew what I was doing, I believed that love can conquer all. But in retrospect I was too tied up in it all to see the wood for the trees.

ZuluinJozi Thu 27-Feb-14 11:31:43

Pushing is assualt

ZuluinJozi Thu 27-Feb-14 12:14:48

You appear to be in a classic abusive relationship - some eg:
shrugging off the pushing as lesser than real violence it is,
blaming yourself (blocking his way from leaving),
your partner believing he is a victim of circumstances,
loss of confidence in your ability to survive without him.

Often DV victims are perceived as weak because of their failure to act quickly and logically but Annasdjebrouni you are not weak and I believe you can see that you are in a abusive relationship.

I don't know how I can help you but keep all evidence, records or diary of the pushing and other abuse, take pictures of things he smashes or bruises he might inflict on you along with the times and dates and keep them safe or if possible with a friend or family - it is hard to argue a case of domestic violence without evidence.

Chances are you will get back together and your love wont be enough to right him, domestic violence never ceases it escalates.


Isetan Thu 27-Feb-14 13:55:12

Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?

Seriously you view not exposing your children to a dysfunctional relationship as martyrdom? You are a parent and your happiness should not come at your children's expense, oh and your not happy with him, so you might want to give not being with him a proper try.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 27-Feb-14 15:26:48

Does it make me a better mother to be a martyr and unhappy without him?


pointythings Thu 27-Feb-14 18:34:34

What Isetan said. You will be a better mother if you take your children away from an abusive relationship so that they can learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Your children have to come first.

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