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Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

(209 Posts)
Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:25

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:06:23

Yes, this bloke is enjoying playing two women off against each other

It's up to you of course if you want to be a bit player in the Drama of him

me ? Fuck the friendship, I'd find something better to do with my time

DarlingGrace Mon 24-Feb-14 21:09:10

He has said she has every right to be angry at me

Really? and why is that then?

Sorry but your ex likes playing off the women in his life, makes him feel big and masterful. If he had any dignity or decorum he wouldnt be running tales.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:10:20

Thanks AF! I've said that if that was me I'd run a mile, very quickly!!

I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in.

She's already asked him to move in, given him keys, offered to pay to repair his storm damaged roof, booked a holiday for October, the list goes on!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 21:10:48

Agree with the PP. A friend would stick up for you rather than making excuses. I think 'amicable, friendly and honest' has been a big fat lie.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 21:11:08

He has said she has every right to be angry at me.

confused

For what?

What did you do to her that she has a right to be angry about?

I think AnyFucker is right and he's getting far too much enjoyment out of this drama.

If he was really your friend he wouldn't let a very new girlfriend bitch about you to him.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:12:21

@darling - I think you may well be right!! He's said all the stuff I didn't do, like make his packed lunch and ofcourse she's told him that she'll make his packed lunch for him forever!!!!!

BeCool Mon 24-Feb-14 21:13:07

his new girlfriend of 2 months is sending him 30 texts a day slagging you off? Did I read that right? So your friendly XP is telling you about this?

Good grief - he's clearly not your friend, and is using "aren't I wonderfully honest" to create drama in your life and his GF's life and his own. And what is she thinking?

Why on earth would you want to be a part of that? Presumably your mutual break up means you can move on and have a different life - keep moving away from all this crap.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:13:32

Why are you trying to counsel your exP with regard to his new girlfriend ?

Go and find a new relationship of your own...this one has nothing to do with you

You are being played like a fiddle, I am afraid

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:13:45

@join - thats exactly what I said!! If I'd left him for another man maybe, but FFS, it was mutual!!!!!!

irrepressibleyou Mon 24-Feb-14 21:14:03

Why is he telling you about these messages? That's really twattish behaviour and very school playground. She clearly feels he might get back with you and has come up with the brilliant plan of slagging you off, but he has no reason to tell you what she's saying - it would be the same whoever you were. In your situation I would probably tell EXH I didn't want to hear any more about it.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Feb-14 21:14:55

He sounds like a selfish bastard and she sounds like a bunny boiler. Perfect!

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:14:59

He is using you to control and manipulate his new gf and you are lapping it up

could we suggest any interesting new hobbies for you to try ?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:15:03

@AF, I've told him that I'm sorry we didn't work out, that I'm sad that we both see what went wrong and it's too late to change it.

I may sound like a bitch but I'm kind of looking forward to the 'I told you do' when he realises what a bunny boiler she is!!!

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:15:32

Is there a backstory that we're missing? Why is she angry with you?

She's reacting unreasonably, but at the same time plenty of people would take issue if their partner was running back to their ex all the time. And playing two women off against each other.

You don't just "decide" to be lifelong friends. It happens or it doesn't, and it's not clear that it's going to be good for both of you to force the issue.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:16:41

@AF, just embarking on couch to 5k mark 2 - running is quite cathartic in situations like this!

I shouldn't have doubted my sanity for one minute should I?wink

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:16:50

You sound far too involved. And in danger of "bunny boiler" status yourself.

Why don't you throw this idiotic bloke back into the pond...he is making a fool of you

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:17:44

@Alittle - to be honest I'm not sure. I personally think she is incredibly controlling and insecure hence her attack on me.

ThinkFirst Mon 24-Feb-14 21:17:54

She has no right to be angry with you. Your relationship with your ex is none of her business.

She sounds jealous, possessive and controlling, I would almost feel sorry for your ex lol.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:17:59

Good luck with the running, btw. That is a great goal to achieve.

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:18:07

I may sound like a bitch but I'm kind of looking forward to the 'I told you do' when he realises what a bunny boiler she is!!!

You don't sound like a bitch, but you have confirmed there is no healthy person in this little love triangle of yours. For god sake move on.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:18:46

She's blaming you, you are blaming her

What's the common denominator here ?

Both you daft women need your heads knocking together

DomesticDisgrace Mon 24-Feb-14 21:19:03

You're missing the point here

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:19:14

@AF - done it tonight. Told him I'm moving on, registered on dating sites.

He was a bit gobsmacked I can tell you.

I can't save him can I - he needs to realise his own mistakes now. Just a bit hard after 20 years but I'm getting there!

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:20:09

Cut off all contact, seriously. Do you have kids together ?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:21:30

Yep 2 boys, 15 and 17.

Cabrinha Mon 24-Feb-14 21:21:52

You are way too invested in this.
Why on earth do you know how often he sees her, or about his storm damaged roof payments?

You're sounding very mean - laughing at her for booking a holiday in October, but not at him for it?

All three of you sound very childish.

I kind of get why she might be taking out her frustration at him running to you, by being negative about you.

You are, as others have said, being played!

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:23:26

Almost grown up kids then. No reason for you to have any contact at all with him then.

Look love, leave him to his ridiculous relationship dramas. You are being used to add a frisson to what sounds like something a bit crap but is actually nothing to do with you. Can't you see this ?

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:25:28

Will you give him blow by blow < ahem > accounts of your adventures in Dating Land ?

the he can pass them along to his new gf and they can piss themselves laughing at you

"Hey, new GF, listen to this gem from my crazy fucked up ex who never put my butties up....you are sooooooo much better than her..."

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:26:54

He was rather put out that I was even considering dating - I think he had me down as a Miss Faversham type to be honest, more fucking fool him.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:27:11

so what ?

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:28:57

"hey, new improved gf, guess what my crazy ex calls you, did I mention she tries to get me jealous by dating other men, she thinks it will make me leave you.....is she stoooooopid or what, you are much better than she is..."

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:29:19

@Cabrinha, I did say about the holiday to him, that how can he know after such a short time that he'll be with her in October? A holiday in March maybe, but October.

I am stepping away from him now. As AF said, I don't have to have any contact and in fact he sorts out access with kids directly.

PatriciaHolm Mon 24-Feb-14 21:30:09

You are way too over invested here.

You seem to have set up a dating profile simply to be able to tell him you have done so. Why do you care? Why should he? It's like some ridiculous potboiler in which you all proclaim that you are soooo like over each other but spend all your time stalking each other on Facebook. I'm beginning to feel sorry for the new girlfriend, she has no idea of the dramas she's got herself in the middle of.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:32:56

Because we both still love each other? Because we could have tried harder?

Honestly, tell me what to do, I'm lost, confused and angry

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:34:52

@Patricia - I've had a blow by blow description of every encounter he's had since he 'moved on'

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:36:09

Ah, I though this was unfinished business for you

My advice to you is still the same

cut all contact

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:36:10

Oh and he doesn't do Facebook, I don't stalk him. 2 DS have health issues so we remain in contact regards them.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:36:17

thought

I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in.

But why?

It's either over or it's not. Seriously you're doing yourself no favours being so caught up in an ex and his life!

This is not friendship it's just...odd!

Because we both still love each other? Because we could have tried harder?

Ah sad

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:38:12

OP is still in love with him and he is taking the piss

Loz, walk away love, you are being made a fool of

no "friend" actively encourages his new gf to abuse you

step away from the drama

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:40:39

Oh bangs head on desk.

You need to move on. Seriously. Stop pining for what you think may have been. Grieve for your relationship instead and move on.

You are not friends. Nothing about this constitutes a friendship.

PatriciaHolm Mon 24-Feb-14 21:44:17

You might still love him, but he doesn't love you. He likes playing you for a fool though, and just loves having the two of you on strings.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:44:19

Ok, I am banging my own head on a desk (kitchen table).

I do think he is likely enjoying all of this tbh, but it's hard when you still love that person - whether the wrong or right reasons.

He had already laid down some 'rules' that he would apply if we were ever to get back together - I need to run a mile don't I?

PatriciaHolm Mon 24-Feb-14 21:44:55

yes. run like the wind!

ALittleStranger Mon 24-Feb-14 21:48:43

He had already laid down some 'rules' that he would apply if we were ever to get back together - I need to run a mile don't I?

I'd go a little bit further Loz, just to be sure.

I also feel sorry for his GF now as well. No wonder she's acting so crazy.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 24-Feb-14 21:49:48

He is your ex. You don't need to know about his love-life AND he doesn't need to know yours. You don't need to know about the content of the texts he and his GF send each other, do you? Why would you? Is this really important news about his kids? No.

I can't understand your involvement.

He had already laid down some 'rules' that he would apply if we were ever to get back together - I need to run a mile don't I?

You know you don't have to ask.

How mutual was this split??

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:51:27

@John - he won't show me all the texts, he's read a couple out.

I'm a fool aren't I?

MeMySonAndI Mon 24-Feb-14 21:51:37

Ok, a few things... Why is he telling you all those bad things she thinks of you?, and most importantly, what are you doing still there trying to be friends with this idiot?

He is obviously enjoying putting you against each other, I'm sure he is telling her you think she is a bunny boiler.

Walk away, he is not your friend, and you know that, otherwise you will still be together.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:55:28

this split was not "mutual" at all

Op, you are allowing this man to fuck up your head

come on, Big Girls Pants here

you are a grown up

he is acting like a teenager who copped a feel of the girl in 5th year with the biggest tits

it's hard to understand why a father of teenagers feels the need to have two women hanging on a string but this is what he is doing...it looks like he didn't evolve past the emotional age of 14 and you are indulging him in it at great personal cost

step

away

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 24-Feb-14 21:56:09

Time to pour a lot of cold water on Mr. Drama's little excitements.

'Right, I think it's probably for the best if we only make contact when it's about the boys. No hard feelings, but it's clear that you're not really much of a 'friend' if you're happy to hear me slagged off for hours at a time, so things need to change. We grew apart: end of, no big drama. It's boring and tiresome to hear all this shit: I don't care what your new gf thinks of me - she doesn't know me, so it's nothing to me. So let's just stop contacting each other and pretending to be mates - presumably it'll make your gf happy, it'll make me happy to be able to tune out this nonsense, and (unless of course you're enjoying the drama) it'll make you happy too, as your gf will presumably end up in a better mood with you if you're not talking to me, yes? Everybody's happy! Byeeee! You guys have a lovely life now!'

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:56:18

@Me - you're right. He still maintains that she has a right to form an opinion - that may be so, but I don't agree with the assassination on me. Not sure why I care really - she's just one person after all!

Whereisegg Mon 24-Feb-14 21:57:43

How sure are you that there is a new woman, and that he's not just trying to make you jealous with this woman that will do all the stuff you wouldn't/didn't?

Creepy either way.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:59:05

@Bruno - I LOVE that!!!! grin

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:00:35

@Where - she only bloody works for the same firm I do - not the same location mind!

I'm higher up the food chain than she is and apparently 'I'm not short of a bob or two' like she'd bloody know what my outgoings are FFS!!!

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 22:01:58

Loz, you are not listening, are you ?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:04:46

Ok, spell it out (I can take it)...

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 22:05:54

it's all there, upthread

he isn't your friend

he is taking the piss out of you and you are lapping it up

stop it now

MeMySonAndI Mon 24-Feb-14 22:08:24

Character assessination is sometimes unavoidable, the more you resist it, the worse it will get.

Give them some space, you are not with him anymore, by having conveations about her with your ex, you are the one walking on another' woman's space.

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:09:24

This is a game of lets you and her fight.

Are you regretting your split and wanting to get back together ?

ConferencePear Mon 24-Feb-14 22:10:28

He has said she has every right to be angry at me.

So she has a right to be angry about the way you behaved with your husband ? That's just bilge.

Glad you've broken contact.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:10:42

That's what I guess I've struggled with and my reason to turn to MN in a time of need!

I'm 7 months in to being on my own and I think I've done a bloody good job of it. Yes I am sad about what's happened but I have to move on don't I?

I AM A GROWN UP AND I WEAR BIG PANTS (I do wear big pants as it happens).

I am going to send a text that will make my cry but know its for my own good, as well as his.

And I need to stop watching Bridget Jones every night, and drinking too much wine,feeling sorry for myself, him, my kids, not wishing what could have been but how bloody great my life is going to be (with the help of AD's and counselling).

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:12:40

@bad - yes I do regret the split but at the same time I do feel a sense of release. He does blame me now for everything, well he would wouldn't he? He wants me to stand up in front of our children and tell them it was all my fault if we were to get back together. That's not right is it?

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 24-Feb-14 22:17:55

Don't even bother sending a text. Your relationship ended 7 months ago apparently.
This guy is manipulating you both.
I can't understand why you give him your time and energy.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:22:45

@John - I'm guessing its because I haven't properly moved on.

I briefly dated someone before Xmas and all I could think of was XH - so I ended it as I couldn't be 'me'.

Absolutelylost Mon 24-Feb-14 22:27:41

I think 7 months is not long to totally move on after a marriage of 20 years - don't be too hard on yourself. But I do think you will feel better in yourself by not letting yourself get sucked in. I honestly don't think either of you sound like you have genuinely moved on - sounds like a lot of unresolved issues. Getting drawn into the minutiae of his new life will just make you feel worse at present. I know there was some irony up thread but get busy with some interesting worthwhile things of your own and see what happens in your life.... Best wishes though

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 22:29:35

You haven't moved on because you are being manipulated into a catfight with his new GF

Find some dignity from somewhere, this is playground stuff

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:32:09

Loz, get a notebook and start writing all this stuff down. Do not say it to him, don't text it to him. Put it all safely in the book.

Were you teenagers when you got together?

You can't move on because he's not letting you and you're not letting yourself.

By allowing yourself to be in this little drama you are hanging on to him.

Cut. The. Ties.

It's time to move on, love. Not play at it.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:35:10

So no contact then. I'm up for trying, did it for 5 months, got depressed and caved.

Started to feel frustrated with myself over past few days for feeling like I've had to justify 'my' behaviour over the last 2 years when it actually took two to tango as it were.

I realise I need to get a grip and listen to my head rather than my heart.

I realise I need to get a grip and listen to my head rather than my heart.

All the tools are in place loz you just need to see it through now!

gamerchick Mon 24-Feb-14 22:38:47

when my ex met a new wench I could have done handsprings.. and man did she royally slag me off.. to hear her you would have thought i'd tried to take a pair of pliers to his snagies. She slagged me off to my friends (who didn't receive it well) and in time she learned and now is on pills because she can't get shot of him.

your ex is a prize prick.. HE is a prick.. she's just the poor sod who will become you at some point. He has only told her what he wants and he has only told you the same.. don't be a doily man!

listen to what's been said in all these posts.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:39:36

@fid - I was 17, he was 23. I couldn't believe he was interested in me, if I'm honest, I wasn't a 'looker' by any means.

I think I let that believe he was the one, and I've thought that over the years, sounds quite woeful really but when you're that age and all your friends have had countless boyfriends, it did feel nice to have someone actually want to be with me.

I think I've wrestled with so much about how I feel about myself over the years, and I know that I'm a classic 'make your bed and lie in it' female because I did actually want to make it work, I didn't want to be a 'failure'.

It took me a long time to actually tell colleagues about the split because I felt a failure.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:41:28

@gamer, you've made me laugh!!! And you are right, all the advice has been right. I was/am/getting not to be a sucker for a romantic ending, when it really doesn't exist!!!!

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:41:43

It'll be easier if you can calm down and find somewhere to put the emotion. The running clearly isn't enough. You sound quite hyper and pinbally.

And get a bit (appropriately) angry. The details of your marriage are private. None of her business. Why is he discussing it with her? Think a bit about appropriateness.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:44:00

He thinks he should be honest with her about everything. She must be desperate if she wants to be with him after that!!!!

I'm not sure how else to rid myself of all the feelings. People say give it time and I want it done, just not sure how I go about it.

tribpot Mon 24-Feb-14 22:45:07

He does blame me now for everything, well he would wouldn't he?

Why would he? If he had any level of maturity at all, he would realise (as you do) that the split was mutual and an amicable split does not involve a new partner hating your guts merely for existing. Childish nonsense. Step away.

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:47:09

It does come across, that your dating experience ended in your teens. It probably makes it hard for you to picture yourself dating, moving on etc.

Why don't you deliberately 'write' yourself a new identity. Let go of the romantic happy endings and start telling yourself you are now.... what? A happy single woman, a mum, successful in your work....

Who do you want to be?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:47:18

That's what I thought tribot but he made me question my own sanity by what he and gf were saying.

I need to learn how to stop giving a shit and making him believe he's a 'prize' worth fighting over.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 24-Feb-14 22:48:43

Who cares what he thinks? And YOU must be desperate if you still want him after all this!

C'mon, Loz, stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. You are still a young woman with plenty of time to do exciting things and meet nicer people...

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:49:42

@fid - at the moment I want to be a mum my boys are proud of, one who doesn't take any shit!

Medium term, believe in the potential people tell me I have and believe in myself.

Long term, retire at 50 (very wishful thinking) and spend my days walking the dog and being happy!

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:49:50

"I need to learn how to stop giving a shit and making him believe he's a 'prize' worth fighting over"

That bit's simple; ignore, ignore, ignore him.

What are you going to fill your exciting new life with instead of his childish drama?

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 22:51:13

so, you are now in your 30's with nearly grown children? And single.

lady, your life is just beginning

offload this posturing manchild and get a life

got some nights out with gf's lined up ?

you don't need babysitters, yay, get out there woman

gamerchick Mon 24-Feb-14 22:51:26

well no.. the romantic does exist.. hell it took me till I was 34 till I found mine. But the fact is, you can't look back and forwards at the same time.. it's physically impossible.

While you're wasting all this energy on this bollocks which deserves to firmly belong in your past.. you may be missing out on your happy time.

Why would you want to miss out on that over somebody who doesn't deserve it?

come on.. who gives a toss what he or she is saying?.. let them crack on.. you're well rid.

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:51:37

Good. You already have positive goals. What about work? Do you enjoy that?

Is your divorce final?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:52:08

@John, you are right, I know you are. I hate these moments of weakness.

I have CBT starting in March as I've conditioned myself to believing I'm a bad person, even when everyone says I'm not.

I really don't care about being on my own, I'm happy in my own company, well most of the time. I know deep down I don't need a man to make me happy and need to begin believing it rather than just thinking it.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 22:53:13

I enjoy my job, I'm told I am good at my job.

Divorce - hasn't started yet, but I'm starting to feel that I need to do that to truly be able to start to move on once and for all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Feb-14 22:56:47

Aww Loz, you're just so desperate to keep this going, aren't you? sad

I think you want him back very badly still, I remember your other thread vividly. We were all rooting for you to sort it out with him until you dropped in that he was with somebody else. At that point, everybody told you to disengage and wouldn't feed you any more hope.

You've still been gathering it where you can though, I can hear it in your posts. Every text, every tiny bit of contact is enough to sustain you for now but you're not 'living', you're not taking any steps to get over him. I understand that. You know it's going to hurt when the door is slammed shut and bolted. It DID shut already but you were distracted and didn't hear it because you had your fingers in your ears.

I know your children are not little kids but at 15 and 17 they're still able to be hurt by what you and your ex do and you must not let your breakup impact them.

You've had such great advice here, Loz, really. Kind and compassionate and understanding. Is there anybody you can speak to in RL to make it real for you? That's what you need because you're skimming posts, concentrating on the posters who don't know your 'story' and gleaning whatever scraps you can from them. You're doing yourself a huge injustice there and it will only hurt you.

These are the truths:
* Your ex is NOT your friend and he doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you if what you say about the 30 texts is true - he neither sticks up for you nor has enough respect for you to keep them from you.
* He KNOWS you love him and that you're hurting - and he carries on anyway.
* You're engaging in the drama of texting because that's all there is.
* You're getting sucked in to whatever your ex is telling you and who knows whether he's leading you on or not - you're leading yourself on.
* You're in danger of using this thread to keep the drama going too rather than facing up to the reality and cutting this man loose from your heart and head.

Give yourself a sporting chance, Loz, switch your phone off and give it to somebody to take care of for you. Or change your number. You do not need to speak to him again. Your children are old enough to contact him independently if they want to.

You need to set yourself free because this man isn't going to stop pulling your strings anytime soon.

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 22:59:14

I think you're right about the divorce.

But you have so much going for you; you're young, children on their way to independence, an enjoyable job you're good at. It's more than a lot of people can say already.

Ceremonially pack any of his lingering stuff up. Rearrange the kitchen cupboards, switch the furniture around, make the house your own and then get the divorce going. There's plenty you can be doing to keep your mind of your exes playground stuff.

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 24-Feb-14 23:02:35

Seven months is not long at all when your talking divorce , they reckon a couple of years at least . You might find journaling helpful in coping with your feelings. I agree with af about the nights out !

starlight1234 Mon 24-Feb-14 23:04:07

Good for you wanting to move forward... I agree with the others far too involved with Ex and his life..He is clearly enjoying it and doesn't give a shit about your feelings other wise he wouldn't even tell you about these texts ( if they do exist) I seem to think she may well not be texting 30 times a day...

The idea he has set down conditions if he were to come back are to keep you in your place.....

Regardless you need to focus on your life... Get out and enjoy yourself..like someone else said no babysitter required...

You are worth far more ...The less contact the happier you will feel...

Absolutelylost Mon 24-Feb-14 23:05:41

I think Witch's post is spot on and also very compassionate.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:12:49

Lying - you've made me cry but for the right reasons.

What do I say to my boys though? I've maintained impartiality and done my best not to be unkind about their dad - so they can make up their own minds.

I know that I've been hanging on and hoping he was the one but I've been so incensed by what he's had to say that I have started to think he's enjoying all this and that he sees himself as a 'prize'. And one minute I want him to be my prize and the next minute I want him to be her prize and for him to fall flat on his face in a few months time when she realised what an arse he is, but then I feel bad for feeling that.

I did start to write all the things I disliked about him but then told myself that was unhealthy.

I don't have a great deal of friends. I was speaking to my closest friend at the weekend and she was suggesting to try again, but maybe she was just saying that because that's what she thought I wanted to hear?

I want the truth, the honest truth about what I should do, hence turning to MN.

Jeez, he used to say to me that if I hadn't met him I'd be living on the 17th floor of a tower block, on benefits with kids by different blokes. He says he's sorry now for saying that, but I know deep down that it doesn't make it right.

He also called me 'nut nut' regards my depression and he apologises for that too - it's confusing!

JumpingJackSprat Mon 24-Feb-14 23:16:11

So have I got this straight you only have his word for it that she is sending him 30 txts a day slagging you off? How does she have any more headspace for anything other than you?

I don't buy it. Why would any new girlfriend be so interested in the ex that she would devote what must be hours of time EVERY day to think about and send all these texts? I think he and you both enjoy the drama and this new woman is stuck in the middle of it all. She's probably wondering what the fuck she got herself into.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 23:17:41

He sounds simply horrible

Loz, you need to get to a point of indifference

hoping for his downfall and that you can say "I told you so" is not something you should be aiming for

hate/love are 2 sides of the same coin

indifference all the way

I don't think you have to tell your boys anything. I expect they will be pleased to see their mum detaching from someone that makes her unhappy. Just move on with your life. Let them see you getting on with it without reference to him at all. They can build their own relationship with him, and believe me, they will have him sussed much better than you do currently.

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:18:44

Ok the tower block stuff, the 'nut nut' remarks - you realise that is classic abusive behaviour right?

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:20:04

If your boys DO ask, just say "time for your Dad and I to get on with our own lives"

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:20:04

I need a bloody good slap don't it - you are all welcome to come round and do it.

Fuck him, fuck her. I'm a 39 year old single mum of two bloody gorgeous boys - I made them who they are, not him - he said we would have to move into his cramped two bed home miles away if 'we' were to make it work. That the boys will be ok and after all we are the ones that would we spending our lives together and the boys would leave home - oh that's ok then - I'll take them away for their friends, school etc because they'll adjust won't they? Oh and I'll tell eldest DS that he can't have driving lessons unless he pays for them himself. Oh and boys, your happiness doesn't matter, only mine and your dads, but you'll get over it so don't worry.

I cannot and will not do that to my boys, and have told him that - apparently I'm now being awkward. Well fuck him, I'm better on my own.

And breathe grin

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 23:22:06

he has been saying these idiotic things to you while fucking some other poor woman ?

Why have you been engaging at all ?

Stop it now

loz, have you been sleeping with him ?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:25:50

Thank you everyone, I mean it - but no hugs ok!

Seriously, I've doubted myself so much over the past weeks, every emotion running through my head.

I've spent so many years making excuses for his behaviour, and mine, that I've been clouded. I've kept our relationship to myself and see that's because it wasn't right, but always made excuses for it.

I don't know why I've given a shit what she's said except I didn't want to go down without a fight and tell DH that she might be right.

If she is, well doodle fucking da - let her believe it if it makes her feel better.

I will be looking at this thread every time I feel a second of doubt about moving on. I owe that to myself and my boys.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:27:45

No AF - haven't slept with him. He said he didn't fancy me anymore - that made my cry even more - he said that made him sad but I wonder now if he took pleasure in my reaction?

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 23:29:23

of course he did

you are his emotional punching bag right now (what a fucking Big Man, eh)

stop letting him do it to you...you have the power to make it stop

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:33:51

He's a sadistic little man, is't he?

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:37:00

Loz you sound lovely. Don't let a little creep like that keep bringing you down. You have got the strength to do better for yourself. I can hear it.
Your problem is just that you're worn down with his manipulative nonsense.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:38:45

The sad thing is that I don't think he realises he is doing anything wrong but I don't understand why that makes me sad.

I spent years telling myself I deserved better but struggle to believe it. But that's also why I've asked for CBT to address those thoughts.

On my last thread I was called an abuser and I took that to heart. I did challenge it as I don't believe I was an abuser but then considered I was.

My mum was a single parent for 10 years with me and my brother from my birth until I was 10 and I am so proud of how she coped and always tried to strength from that - until I felt like a failure for trying to give my boys the 'stable' two parent family life that wasn't stable at all - in retrospect I realise that I have probably damaged them by trying to maintain that and perhaps that's why I'm harking about what could have been?confused

Eldest DS has said XH will never change and I deserve to be happy. He also had the unfortunate encounter with XH's new partner, unexpectedly a few weeks ago but didn't want to tell me. I'm angry at XH who believes that at 17 DS is an adult so is capable at dealing with it, when I've been the one to counsel DS when he's been feeling bad about himself for not saying anything to me to protect my feelings.

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:40:08

Would it be wrong to invite you all to my house so you can give me a slap for being stupid? I can provide alcohol and snacks if it helps wink

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:44:15

Noone is going to agree to hit you Loz smile

It's difficult to let go of the happy ever after/what might have been script because you realise pursuing it has had a cost and you want it to come good. Like a gambler chasing his lost money with dozens of 'one last bets'

But your logical mind is stronger than that right?

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 23:45:24

we are at your house already, through the medium of t'internet

we are real people smile

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:46:20

It is, I know it is, just wish I was strong enough to believe it though this thread is definitely helping me get there.

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:50:10

It might take a few nights like this before the wobbles go.

I think your head has been royally messed with.

maggiemight Mon 24-Feb-14 23:50:27

If you're 39, Loz, and your boys are late teens then the world is really your oyster.
Isn't 40 the new 20 or something.

FGS drop this loser and have a fabulous life.... this is such an opportunity for you, OP, please start making something of it, new career? new hobbies? new town? new anything stop wasting your time on him

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:51:18

If I ever get the chance to meet you AF, you're getting a snog believe me!

I wish I'd been more honest about my feelings in the past, but that can't be changed, what can be changed is my future, it's in my hands! I don't need his fucking acceptance, pity or anything else. I just need to accept me and be happy with that.

I'm not weak or a failure, I am me - take it or leave it. I don't ever want to feel that a man has 'control' over me or my feelings again, I'm worth more, we all are, aren't we?!?

Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 23:53:55

For a while I did consider moving away but now I think why should I, I have nothing to be ashamed of. Next year I'm buying a house (in rented at the mo). I moved here for my boys 10 years ago, they've thrived, I haven't, but I can put that right.

I'm not running away anymore, here I am, take it or leave it!!!!!

fideline Mon 24-Feb-14 23:57:18

One v practical tip a friend of mine was given was to take a month long holiday from alcohol, until the no contact habit was ingrained.

You sound more positive.

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 24-Feb-14 23:58:27

My ex husband pulled this nasty shit on me , my new girlfriend thinks this about you , thinks that about you blah blah blah . It lasted all of three months . Not surprising really as abusive arsehole aren't really in demand are they .

It is annoying and upsetting , but take it as further confirmation that he's a disloyal little shit and you've done the right thing .

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 23:59:32

watch out, loz, I could be a hairy handed trucker for all you know wink

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:00:33

A month without alcohol - gulpwink

Very good advice and something I definitely need to adhere to. Not do e so well up to now, but 'allowed' myself the indulgence when in retrospect has given me the permission to dwell - so very wrong.

Half a bottle left and I'm feeling a Bridget Jones moment coming on.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:02:07

@AF - hairy handed trucker - ding dong wink

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 00:02:35

Men like this need putting in their place, loz

This prick has used up too much of your time and energy. Throw him back into the scummy pond he came from. He's just a man, and a shit one at that

think what you could achieve with your lovely boys if you expended some of that headspace you have been giving him on yourself

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 00:03:32

You just need lots of hot chocolate as a self-indulgent substitute. And marshmallows. And belgian chocolates. And maybe some nice salad to balance things up wink

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:04:02

Can you just stop being right all the time AF - you're doing my head in wink

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:06:05

@fid - I thought breaking up meant weight loss - the bastard lied - no doubt a man cultured that thought!!!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Tue 25-Feb-14 00:09:08

Good gracious.

You sound really together - putting your children first, you're young, funny, articulate...

...and he sounds like a complete dog-end!

Stop listening to a word he says

- Yes he does know what he is doing - he's being nasty to you in order to make you feel sad, low and incapable - so that you keep trailing after him and he can big himself up.

- You don't need to listen to any of his shit. He's TERRIFIED that you'll realise this, get up, stop thinking about him, get a life... and totally forget him. That's another reason he keeps prodding.

- If you need any other encouragement, look at his attitude to your children. Disgusting. Move on, move on - you can do soooo much better!

- Seven months is nothing. Don't think you're failing/you need him/you clearly should give it another go etc. simply because you feel like shit. It was a long relationship, there are children. You're supposed to feel like shit... but it will get better.

Stop listening to him. He is boring and wrong. Go out. Be happy. Spend time with your children. Read. See nice films. When you catch yourself thinking about him, make yourself think about something else. Try and feel kindness towards the hapless one woman textathon who is apparently his gf - she's just as much of a victim as you, and she'll either soon be gone or soon be miserable.

You can do this smile

perfectstorm Tue 25-Feb-14 00:17:36

He still maintains that she has a right to form an opinion

That opinion is based solely on what he tells her. So if he's being honest about what she is saying, she is saying it based on his words. And as he won't let you see these texts... he could be making them up as a means of keeping you in line.

You don't know what he's saying to her in terms of their relationship, either. But he is presumably giving her reason to think they're a solid couple. Which means his backstabbing betrayal of her, in dangling hope like a carrot in front of his ex-wife while making out she's his priority, is also shitty.

We're the same age, OP. I have a primary aged child and a newborn - your whole life is now about to start. We're both of us still young, but your childraising years are almost behind you, and you will still have the world your oyster. Sod your ex, because he's playing you for a fool and treating you and your boys like crap. There is so, so much more out there than hanging on to the likes of him.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:20:35

@Bruno thank you, honestly thank you.

I have found myself apologising so much for everything. Self worth I guess, who knows.

I do know (after posting on MN), that I am not mad or crazy, I am me!

Me is ok, me is fine, me is 'normal'. I've conditioned myself so much to want to be liked/loved because I didn't see it in me so sought that from other, rightly or wrongly.

I have taken so much strength from tonight's posts, I really have, and wish I'd posted before now.

I shouldn't have to ever excuse someone's behaviour for any rhyme or reason but somehow felt I had to do that for XH.

As the song goes 'such a fool to believe'!!! A few (very few) have told me what a lovely person I am and I thought 'what are they after' rather than just simply saying thank you and taking the compliment.

I went away with a male friend recently, totally platonic, we shared a room, nothing else. I told XH and he can't believe me when I say nothing happened. I've even shown him the texts ( to prove my point) yet he still doesn't believe me. hmm I think that says more about him than it does me!

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 00:22:25

Yes, it does. He can only judge by his own standards, of course

Don't offer up any more of your life for his snotty perusal

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:26:31

@perfect - thank you. I keep trying to believe that there are men out there who appreciate me for being me, stretch marks, baggy belly, saggy boobs and all.

When I'm feeling low, which has been often, I've struggled with the thought that anyone could find me remotely attractive.

The last few weeks, with all the lows, have slowly made be feel that however low my mins goes, I still manage to run a house, pay my bills, take care of my boys, walk the dog etc., and no man could have facilitated that. It was me, just me.

My mum text me tonight to say how proud she is of me. That alone speaks volumes - not because I 'needed' to hear it, but because it meant so much.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:28:28

@AF - he can do one and I am not bothered that he'll hate me - if he does (as he said he would) says more about him than it does me.

I LOVE you AF, you hairy handed trucker you wink

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 00:37:29

So, come back tomorrow evening and tell us that you have not, and will not, join in with his mindgames any more

you are cultivating indifference

disinterest is your middle name (where he and his deluded new gf are concerned)

your only concerns now are for you and your sons, and your dog(s)

spring is on it's way

write off the winter and look forward to a life free from wondering about him and what he thinks...it is unimportant because he is a booby prize that some other unfortunate soul has taken off your hands

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:40:14

Sir (AF), yes sir (AF)!! I will do this because I have to do this and I'll prove it. I'm worth it, I know I am. AF, I luffs you wink

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 00:43:29

take 2 paracetomol and a pint of water to bed wink

no booze tomorrow, come back and say these things again with no wine onboard grin

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 00:44:06

Good night x

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 00:46:55

I won't let you down AF - I'm too freakin' scared to!!! smile

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 01:02:27

Good luck, Loz

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 01:10:47

@fid - you're getting a snog too you k know (just don't tell AFwink)

kentishgirl Tue 25-Feb-14 07:46:32

Loz, hon, you sound amazing to me.

I know it's hard to emotionally and mentally move on from a break up like this. It doesn't happen overnight. You'll probably go through phases of feeling ok about it, then back into another phase of feeling crap. Eventually the OK phases last longer and longer - and you realise you don't feel crap about it any more.

This is easier and quicker if you get out of the situation as much as possible. Get out of his games - and oh boy! is he playing games here! He's been playing the pair of you like violins. she's stuck with that. You aren't. You said you are a fool - you aren't. You've woken up to what was being done to you when you were vulnerable (not your fault at all) and you are now sorting yourself out.

You have a great future. Lovely boys, good job, and I can see a very strong backbone developing inside you.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 19:37:05

Following all the advice you kindly all provided, I have quite a thought provoking day, for the right reasons!

Here's where I'm at so far;

*I have more self respect for myself than to be caught in some pissing/pity/procrastination party
*I do not have to let myself be drawn into things that are now setting back my recovery
*I am a strong independent woman who, for some reason doubted everything about herself for a while
*The past cannot be undone and it is a waste of my energy to dwell on what could have been
*My future is in my hands

XH is a grown man and I am not responsible for his future, he is. If he chooses to believe that I am totally to blame, that's his problem not mine.

If he chooses to be with a bunny boiler, that's his choice.

I'm living in the present from here on in, setting goals for the future whilst knowing that those won't 'make' me happy - my happiness is from within grin

FabULouse Tue 25-Feb-14 19:42:18

Woo hoo flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 25-Feb-14 19:47:16

Loz... I'm concerned about you, genuinely. I think you're lurching about still. Calling his partner a bunny boiler isn't nice. What do you actually know? You haven't seen the texts, he wouldn't show you but did see fit to impart all of the details that she supposedly gave about you.

Do you know that she is one even? He's managed to send you loop-the-loop and he was the one who was supposed to love you. He's called you horrible names that nobody should call anybody and still you have him on some kind of pedestal. Look at the evidence. She isn't your problem - he still is, unfortunately.

I will be happy for you when the clichés stop... I mean that kindly, Loz, it sounds to me as if you're super-keen to prove that you're over him. What steps are you taking towards that? What have you told your sons? Have you told them yet? Have you told other people? This would finally draw a line under it, make it real. At the moment, it doesn't sound as if you believe it at all.

Are you going to evict him from your head? She'll go with him.

You can do this, Loz but do it honestly, not posting what you think we want to hear. Everybody is behind you, willing you on to get your life back and happy.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 20:06:48

@Lying - I've told the boys that mum is moving on and has a plan.

I've told XH by text that I've said what I wanted to say and that we both need to get on with our lives and that for the sake of our children we should go no contact.

I know words are easy to say but I do have this quiet sense of calm and honestly feel that I am moving on.

I spoke to my mum today and told her.

I can see how the term bunny boiler is wrong. I don't know her from Adam and I don't wish any harm on her, I really don't. I think I'm still a little sad that someone who doesn't know me felt he need to do such a character assassination on me. But that's fine, I will get over it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 25-Feb-14 20:12:34

Great, Loz, that's just what was needed.

The point I'm making about your ex's partner is that you don't know that she's ever said a word against you; or you haven't posted that you know it for fact. Your angst is still against a person who you don't know has done or said anything about you. Your anger should be directed against the man who did love you and did say horrid things.

I'd put the partner out of your mind and focus on flushing him out of your life. She will automatically go too.

I think he's horrible, Loz, he's manipulated you and is stirring for some inexplicable reason. He doesn't want to be with you but can't give up the 'sport' of playing with your feelings. It makes him feel good.

Stop giving him any room in your head - none at all. It's LOZ-TIME now! She needs and deserves it.

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 20:18:15

Well done Loz smile

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 20:23:29

Amen to that!!

I am happy and confident that the future is out there! I am going to have down days but they are just thoughts, it's up to me as to how I deal with those, no-one else.

I'm focussing on the present, feeling grateful for what I have.

Thank you Lying, you are a very wise person. Deep down I am too, just lost sight of that for a while.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 20:25:55

Thanks fab and fid. I'm feeling quite empowered at the moment. Going to keep that feeling going as it feels good!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 25-Feb-14 20:33:42

How about a compilation of music that makes you feel good, Loz? Just to keep that momentum going? All your favourite feel-good songs or maybe some new ones that you'll use to get you through this?

There's a thread on chat at the moment, I don't know how to link it but there's some very nice songs on it.

captainmummy Tue 25-Feb-14 20:34:43

OP - you do seem to have made huge strides forward now! grin Good.

Your EX is nothing to you now, nothing! Not your Partner, not a friend, NOTHING! He's no-one, you don't need to see him, talk to him, text him OR tell him anything about your life/movements//evenings. He's a total stranger. Let him get on with his life with her. It's not your concern what he does, and vice versa.

Practise saying that!

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 20:52:00

@Captain, thank you.

I know that I don't owe him anything and he owes me nothing either.

I know I've been in a 'woe is me' state and I had been doing so well.

I've dusted down, picked myself up and am moving on.

Life is hard but it's also what you/I/ we all make it.

I'm going to start living for me, not anyone else. I'm hopefully off to the states for work in April and I can't wait. Up to now I would have found excuses not to go, XH, DS, dog, what ifs - but not anymore, I'm going because I want to.

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 21:00:30

You sound really focused Loz. When is your CBT due to start? I think it will really help to make the more positive thought patterns stick.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 21:15:57

Ah, there you are smile

Lying is indeed wise. Until you ^properly* acknowledge that your problem was not the woman your ex is now seeing but was actually your inability to let your fixation on an abusive man go, then you are not properly on the road to recovery. You started this thread simply wanting to air that obsession and get us all frothed up on your behalf and that was not a healthy premise.

However in a very short space of time you have listened and reflected. Certainly my first few responses to you were typically blunt and must have been difficult to read. But absorb them you did, and impressively. Even this evening, you seem willing to adjust your thought processes to something more helpful.

No booze this evening, no chemical high (anti-D's not counted) ? You sure ? You have sounded almost manic at times and I would prefer calm deliberation and not the crashing highs/lows of "empowerment" if it is a fragile state of being.

How, for example, will you react when this man has a sudden "epiphany" and decides he wants you back after all and comes crawling with his tail between his legs ? I think he will. Probably a couple of days before your US trip if previous headfucking behaviour is anything to go by. What then ?

Get it all tied up neatly instead of flipping so excitedly from despair to elation.

Do you see where I am coming from ? We can help you with that, but tbh, atm it feels like this could all come crashing down with one come-hither overture from Mr SolidGold Dick there.

< meant kindly >

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:18:37

17th March. I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been telling DS how important it is to know that thoughts are just that, thoughts and that they have the control to decide how to process those thoughts. The mind can be destructive, but only if you allow it to.

I'm looking forward to 'living' again as opposed to existing and beating myself up for stuff that really doesn't matter.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:24:10

@AF - currently sipping a huge cup of tea whilst the dog sleeps at my feet!

I know it might sound a little crazy, but last night and today have been a revelation - I know that I alone am responsible for my feelings, no-one else and that includes XH and his new GF.

I can't waste another day dwelling on the past, I don't deserve it. Yes I am going to remind myself of that for a while before it becomes the norm. I feel that a fog has lifted from my mind.

I went to a shop today that I have avoided for years following a panic attack. It felt good, it really did. I smiled at people, they might have thought I was mad, but I didn't care, I was happy.

XH can try all he likes, honestly, I don't need not want him in my life. I am thoroughly happy to keep finding me and whatever the future holds, I'll deal with it.

I'm over dwelling, life is too short.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:26:39

And Mr SolidGold Dick is more than capable of getting on with his own life. He may not realise that right now, but he will. He's a grown up, and needs to start acting like that.

If he dares to try and come back into my life he will be in for a major shock because my life does not need him.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 25-Feb-14 21:27:39

What a pig to say that to you!

If he had said that he understands she is feeling a bit vulnerable out you two being close like that I can understand. What a player!!!!

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:30:39

@Death - he really does blame me for everything - quite blatantly as well. I'm not prepared to live my life with someone who I know will take pleasure from reminding me that whenever we have a disagreement, that he chose to give me another chance, WTF!!!!

And he can continue to blame, if he believes that will make him feel better. I know it won't but that's not my business anymore.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 25-Feb-14 21:35:58

Well hopefully you will now not ever consider taking him and his rules back or ever think of making his bloody lunch!!!!!

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 21:36:42

Loz do you feel hyper?

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:37:54

Not hyper, calm, sense of relief.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 21:42:15

< adjusts pince nez >

I like what you are saying, Loz smile

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 21:50:03

Pince nez - never in my wildest dreams did I expect my hairy handed trucker to wear pince nez wink

I'm feeling calm, and accepting it for what it is, not analysing or procrastinating over it. I would have previously queried it for hours and argued with it. I'm not doing that anymore, I don't need or want to.

Me and DS have spent time together tonight planning a weekend away for the 3 of us and lozdog, to a log cabin somewhere. I'm excited, they're excited (especially at the thought of a hot tub of the veranda!).

Every negative thought I have I am pushing away, I don't need nor want negativity in my life. Yeah it's going to take work, but in the words of Chezza Cole, I'm worth it wink

I don't think I'm wearing rose tinted glasses (or pince nez smile), I'm moving on.

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 21:57:14

"Pince nez - never in my wildest dreams did I expect my hairy handed trucker to wear pince nez"

Urgh. I need brain-bleach now wink

I'm off out. Hope to catch you later Loz. (Just be ready for the down moments).

Enjoy planning your break.

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 22:05:06

Thanks fid grin

Fully expecting some low moments and thank heavens to betsy I'll have all you fab folk on MN to help me get through it!

Have a good night and don't have nightmares about the hairy handed trucker wink

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 22:16:20

< ear trumpet > Whaaat ?

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 22:18:01

Pince nez, ear trumpet AND hairy handed trucker - oh my lord, it's all coming out now!!!!

Want to share anything else - you may as well wink

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 22:22:26

That's quite enough for now smile

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 22:32:16

You're such a tease wink aside from that you are a soopa person AF and I totally unashamedly luffs you grin

I you ever fancy a cuppa/slap/severe talking to, I'm here for you, as you have been for me and so many others. In fact I might be able to find a biccy or two to go with it!

Lozislovely Tue 25-Feb-14 22:33:31

If not I* - I make no apologies for my sausage fingers and small letters on iPhone!!!!

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 22:36:09

smile

kentishgirl Thu 27-Feb-14 10:58:05

Hi Loz, just checking in and glad to hear you've told him to bog off and leave you alone.

Have a great life :-)

Lozislovely Thu 27-Feb-14 12:00:49

Hi Kent, thank you smile

Still calm here today so that's good (I think). Did have an ickle cry last night because DS2 has a migraine for the second time this week and I had a sense of loneliness because there's only me to make him feel better. BUT, I watched First Dates and that made me laugh, so all good in the end.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 27-Feb-14 18:21:57

Hi Loz. DS2 only needs you to make him feel better. And he needs the you that is not otherwise engaged in angsting about your ex. Well done on keeping the faith, you are doing great

Lozislovely Thu 27-Feb-14 18:41:40

Hahahahaha, the angst was a small nugget in the back of my head.

Just got a text from him, that was meant for her;

'Have a good evening xxxxxx'

Never put one 'x' on any message to me ever!

Ho hum, off to my best mates for a coffee so that will help me try to forget about it as I've told I'm done with talking about him grin

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 27-Feb-14 18:59:54

Loz, my ex pulled that little text stunt 2 days after we split, "good night sexy, cant wait to tell you that in person" he reckons it was for me, but its bullshit, also he did it to the ex after me.

Now i dont give a flying fuck over who my ex is shagging, dont care, not interesting to me in the slightest.

You'll move on, at your speed, hes just a nasty fucker who cant speed the night alone in case his dick gets dry.

Lozislovely Thu 27-Feb-14 21:51:06

Thanks Lucius grin I didn't respond, just deleted it. If he wants to try brainfuck tactics he can do one.

I'm stronger tonight, who knows what lies ahead but I can't think about him anymore, it's too painful and I deserve better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 27-Feb-14 21:58:20

Well done Loz... how about treating yourself to a new number and not telling him what it is. It will drive him mad sending you these 'oh so clever and she doesn't know what I'm doing texts'... and you'll never see them. grin

When you feel strong enough to do it, break off contact. You will lose nothing and gain everything from jettisoning this idiot from your life.

Lozislovely Thu 27-Feb-14 22:07:05

Good idea Lying!!

You know when I said to him that I had 'dated' a couple of guys (and it was hardly dating) he nearly fell off his chair!!

I think he wants his cake and to eat it, well that ain't happening I can tell you!!

I am actually happy on my own with DS's, I don't need a man - just need to work on totally getting over XH, and I'm going to bloody well do it!

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 16:14:17

I too have been at the receiving end of abuse by the OW...actually quite shocking stuff but all in writing. She is a nasty piece of work. I do think that these women react to the "stories" they are told by errant husbands, all designed to make you look like the psycho ex! I have also had texts "meant" for the mistress, one that said "you are my life" and one that said "can you put this in the diary for us babe"...our initials are so far apart that it couldn't possibly have been a "mistake". Isn't it amazing that so many men are apparently capable of such a "mix up"...!! I too am trying to go down the no-contact unless absolutely necessary route, as advised by other lovely Mumsnetters...would be interested to hear how you are getting on with this OP?

You're doing really well op!

Anyfucker, I do hope you o this as a job. You saved me and I'm sure many others.

RedRoom Sun 30-Mar-14 17:06:28

The new gf needs to get a life. 30 texts a day, talk of moving in, OTT bitching about a bloke's ex of 20 years when they've been together two months: so not cool, attractive or mature. How old is she, because she sounds about 17. Leave them to it and don't fan his ego any more because he seems to be enjoying it. Pathetic.

RedRoom Sun 30-Mar-14 17:11:53

Ps- he meant for you to see that text, I reckon!!

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:29:06

Hi Mrs - men ehwink

Well it's been a hit and miss month if I'm honest. I stuck to NC, but he didn't!

I've had the 'I want to be more than friends', 'can we talk', 'I've finished with her' (more than a couple of times) and to be honest it's been draining.

It was all lies in the sense that he hasn't finished with her at all. Though I knew this because, having known him for over 20 years, I so know when he's lying.

As recent as last Sunday he'd said h' ed finished with her and deleted her number (but not blocked, hmmmm), that she was suffocating him blah blah blah.

Fast forward to Friday morning and I get a text after he'd just finished his night shift 'morning, just got home, am knackered and going to take a sleeping tablet so I can sleep all day. Do you want to bring DS2 over tomorrow and stop for some lunch'? Ds2 was going over to watch footie.

Ok, I said, see you tomorrow.

Spidey sense told me he was lying about being home, so after I'd been for a doctors appointment I drove past his house and low and behold his car wasn't there, meaning only he was at hers (this was 10:45 in the morning so no way he would have been up that early after a night shift even without a sleeping tablet).

The only reason I drove past was to prove to myself that I wasn't losing my marbles and to get the clarification I needed that he's a lying twat!

So I left him a voicemail to say it was now completely over and to not contact me again. 6pm I get a 'what's wrong, shall I come over text'. Needless to say I did not respond.

Yesterday evening I get 'come over now and lets sort it'.

Err, is that an order, suggestion, request? I politely replied that there is nothing to sort.

I get an angry 'I don't have to justify myself to you, I don't have to tell you where I am'.

Agree I text back, but why lie? (Seems a simple enough question)

I get again that he can do as he chooses and his plans are his alone.

I reply 'what a charmingly justified life you do lead'.

Needless to I didn't get anything back but am sure a text will follow in a few days or so.

I find it a bit bizarre that he cannot and will not accept that it is ok to lie when it clearly messes with people's heads. He doesn't think he's a bad person in any way shape or form.

I do know one thing though, he is bloody stupid!

I guess there was a moment of hope at first that he was telling the truth, but within a few days that had diminished. I made sure that I didn't lose sense of myself through the past few weeks, got on with my life etc. so I don't feel any loss or remorse at finding out he was still lying.

I am just glad that I wasn't duped by someone who clearly wanted their cake and to eat it (though he'd never see it for what it was)!!!

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:30:54

Thanks red and little!!

I hope I can eventually find a bloke who doesn't lie - not sure if that's possible (and I'm quite content just being with my boys right now) but who knows!!

My mum said he owes me the truth but as I said to her, I don't actually think he knows what the truth is!

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 17:38:29

Glad to hear you're doing OK Lozislovely...they really are a law unto themselves, I've had all that "I don't have to justify" shit, blah blah. You do when you walk out of a 14 year marriage without a backward glance for a hag of a widow of only 6 months and screw your wife and kids over spectacularly. They are all liars and all think they are not a "bad person"...i've had that one too! Keep it up chick!

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:46:01

Honestly OP what is it you want to happen?

This is like watching someone self harm.

You both sound about 18, and it's pathetic that the two of you are playing these games, because that's all they are.

So what is it you want?

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:46:52

You too Mrs!!!!

I feel relieved right now and honestly hope to god that he doesn't bother to contact me again (tricky to change my number as I don't have a land line so my mobile number is with school/doctors etc).

Eldest DS sent XH a text off his own back on Saturday saying the he needs to realise that messing me around means he and his brother and messed around too - XH sent a text asking me to tell DS to lay off the abuse!! WTF - I didn't know or ask him to send it. Eldest DS is 17!! I think it was more a case that XH doesn't like to hear the truth!

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:48:15

And MrsC "They are all liars" is bullshit. Some men are, some women are, but it boils my piss when women engaged with these ridiculous relationships denounce all men as liars/cheats/bastards when they then go on to engage in playground relationships and games.

Value yourselves higher!

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:49:28

SirRaymond - yes it is pathetic. I've ended it once and for all.

I haven't enjoyed any of it other than re-confirming that XH is a liar.

After 20 years its hard to just complete step back, especially when there are children involved. It's also hard at time to truly accept that you can't try again.

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:54:45

You split up more than 7 months ago.

It didn't work then and since then he has been involved in numerous 'relationships'. He likes the drama and keeping you where he can see you. He doesn't give a flying fuck about you because if he did, he wouldn't have treated you like this and he wouldn't be with someone else.

He is not your problem any more and he owes you nothing.
You say you've ended it once and for all but you're secretly hoping (and expecting) that he will contact you in the next few days. And he will...hmm
Why don't you stop this nonsense and think about the impact that you and your XH are having on your children because really, they deserve more than this. Put them first and stop playing games.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 18:02:59

You are right again SirRaymond.

I don't have an excuse other than I got back in contact with him because I was heading for a breakdown. I had been absolutely fine for the previous months.

I stupidly thought (at the time) that I wanted him, and yes, he seemingly appears to have enjoyed every minute of this game, despite saying otherwise.

It has fucked with my head. I have managed to keep it all from the children apart from last Friday. I was meant to be going back to work on Monday FFS, with my head held high (because stupidly I felt a failure that my marriage had broken down).

They say love is blind and at the time of my breakdown I honestly thought I loved him.

Thanks to anti d's now properly taking effect, CBT and posting on MN, I am a lot clearer in terms of what I want and it's not him.

I relapsed after 7 good months but it's not happening again because I cannot and will not allow that to happen to me.

I'm worth more than participating in some pissing contest with his gf.

It was a moment of weakness and I can't change that, but I can change my future. My boys have always been number 1 and I have done everything to protect them from this 'soap opera'.

Blu Sun 30-Mar-14 18:19:34

And why exactly do the boys get 'messed around' just because you are?

Why do they know anything about al this texting and drama?

Why are you entering into any possibility of going over? IF he has had second thoughts and wants to try again, and IF you feel the same, it wouldn't begin like this, would it? It would begin with a serious conversation, cards on table, total honesty, apologies, acknowledgements. Not texting and game playing.

From the outset: "I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in". Well no wonder the silly woman was insecure and madly slagging you off - he was telling her what you were saying, and 'pragmatism' sounds as if it might have been a front for jealousy, and you were telling him his relationship was shit. And he was telling her that!

Breaking up is so hard, learning to live alone is hard, letting someone go is hard. But until you find a way to do it, continuing to engage is just like self harm.

How did the CBT go?

DollyTwat Sun 30-Mar-14 18:21:23

Loz just saw your thread
What an utter twat your ex is. Good to see you are breaking away and seeing his behaviour for what it is

I think you should ignore his texts now, unless they're about your dc. Just don't respond however tempted or outraged you are

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 18:29:33

Right so now you need to focus on keeping yourself strong and healthy (in body and mind) and sorting your life out. One which doesn't involve this man.
How often does he have his children? You don't really need to speak to him at all but from now onwards you need to be businesslike and to the point with him on all matters. Your marriage is over so you need to take care of yourself and your boys. Sometimes with relationships, things get so fucked up that they can never be put right, no matter how much we might want them to be, that is the point where things need to end. You've reached that point. No more. This man does not have your best interests at heart. He does not love you. The love is gone and what is there in its place is something pretty twisted and messy.
Your boys are literally begging your XH to stop messing you about because they can see the effect on you. Your XH doesn't even care enough to stop playing games with you when he has received texts from a 17 year old begging him to stop. For a 17 year old boy to feel he needs to stick up for you, things must be pretty bad. Please focus on you and your boys and start to heal. Be kind to yourself. You love the man you thought he was, but he isn't that man any more so you need to grieve and move on and you can't do that with him still in the picture.
You have a good life ahead of you so start making it happen.
I promise you this, you will be just fine in the end. thanks

DeMaz Sun 30-Mar-14 18:32:22

Stop bloody responding to his texts! You guys are acting like 12 year olds!
Also don't get your DC involved in your childish games! Yes, your 17 year old may have sent the text off his own back but how would he know you're being 'messed around'! Your XH may be a twat but he is still their father!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 30-Mar-14 18:33:56

Loiz... I'm sorry to see you posting again... meant in the nicest possible way.

You say that 'you went no contact but he didn't...' - of course you didn't either. Change your sim, don't give him the number, get him to e-mail you about the children only. These are the things you would do if you really didn't relish the contact. I'm sorry but I think you do.

You deserve better than this, far better, but you will not get it whilst you play these silly games with him. For your childrens' sake, if not for you own, stop playing them.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 18:39:24

SirRaymondClench...I most certainly wasn't denouncing "all" men or women for that matter as "liars" but the examples I have come across on these boards are indeed exactly that, including my own STBXH. If you knew my story, you would know there was nothing "playground" about it.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 18:44:33

Yes yes yes to all recent posts.

I have honestly done everything I thought I could to protect my boys. It was only because I was tearful on Friday that DS sent the text.

I 'did' love the old him but know now that nothing has changed, he's still an utter twat.

I guess my concern about not responding to texts was in itself childish, but after reading this thread again I do know that it isn't the case.

And with being pragmatic - perhaps there was some jealousy there - being told she had bigger boobs, orgasmed every time they had sex, does this, does that, did hurt me (I'm only human).

Why would a man who actually loved me tell those things and also then tell her what I was saying?

Hands up, I was weak, too weak in fact to see what he was doing - not least because he kept saying he was struggling with it all.

I thought I hadn't been playing mind games, but perhaps I was.

What I do know is that my mental health suffered for it and I'm not prepared to let that slide again.

I dread the thought that he may text again or pop round and I'm not sure how I should handle it. The boys are here so if he does knock on the door what do I do, just ignore?

Ignoring texts I am fine with, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of responding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 30-Mar-14 18:50:58

Now look, Loiz... it's serious if it's affecting your mental health. Why won't you change your sim and stop him contacting you? You're not doing that for a reason. You are NOT ignoring texts, you don't want to and there's no way in hell that you won't read them. The only way you can get this to stop is to change your number and not give it to him. Your children can have their own mobiles for contacting him, they're old enough.

Your boys are perfectly capable of answering the door to their father, they're old enough to do so. Coats on and out they go, no need for him to come in.

Sort out what you MUST do for your childrens' sake (ie. keep your mental health) - and go and get some counselling to talk about how he's still affecting you so badly.

First steps though, Loiz, stop talking to him and letting him communicate with you. He can do this directly with his children - he doesn't need to do it via you. Please, please, please...

KepekCrumbs Sun 30-Mar-14 18:56:05

Remember what AF told you. Disinterest. Detach. He is irrelevant. As are any of his subsequent partners.

You have to switch off him. Click. He's gone.

Now get on with your life and ignore him, swipe the thought of him away as if he were a horsefly at your picnic.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 18:58:04

Look your ex is a complete arse, I mean why on earth tell you what his new woman said about you????

As your dc are 15 and 17 do you actually need to be in direct contact with your ex for arrangements? You did mention there were health issues but if they could be responsibile for arranging to see their dad like they do their friends then it will be easier for you to get on with your life?

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:00:22

@Lying - I don't have a land line so my mobile is registered with just about every one and I've had the same number for years. I've just had a thought though - I have an iPhone - I'm sure someone told me that numbers can be blocked if you download the latest OS, so going to check that out.

I am exhausted and I really can't take any contact with him, not least for my boys.

And yes they could answer the door, but aren't they just having to 'cover' for me? I don't want them to feel they have to lie or my behalf or in deed say mum doesn't want to see you.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:04:40

There is no reason for your ex to see you!!! His contact is with them, and them alone.

He is being abusive towards you and you have every right to say no more.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:12:42

And I am trying to get my life in order.

3rd session of CBT next week to work through my anxiety triggers

Been out to lunch with the girls

Got my hair cut

Spent loads of time in the garden

Thrown caution to the wind and ordered a cross trainer (can't run anymore)

And I was doing ok after throwing him out of my house 2 weeks ago after he lied to me yet again, and telling him never to contact me (he threw back 'don't contact me for at least 2 days - 2 days WTF).

I go back to work on April 14th and it can't come soon enough. I don't want the drama anymore, I really don't.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 19:20:28

He's telling you all this shit because he wants you to believe it...the fact that he has to do that means it's all crap, but don't be drawn in. I agree with everybody else. Detach. You have to. My kids are younger and we are currently in mediation so I have to have some contact but am trying really really hard to keep it to a minimum. It's hard, it really is. You can do it though! x

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:54:19

I wonder if he has dripped this sort of abusive putting down crap at you for the whole of your marriage?

You really do need to detach, please try and get some RL support so if you weaken you can phone a friend. Write a list of all the reasons why you mustn't respond to any texts or emails or invite him in.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 20:21:11

Thanks Random. Yes it did drip over the years - but of course the breakdown was all my fault - none of his at all, so I've had to do all the apologising. He's apologised for his behaviour in the early years but the last 10 were apparently all down to me.

My bff is away until Wednesday but I've spoken to her and my mum. I know it sounds silly but I've had a sense of shame and guilt that my marriage ended - not sure why, but I'm pretty much over that now. Maybe because I don't feel 'guilty' anymore? It takes two to tango after all.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 22:25:10

Oh make no mistake, it's ALWAYS your fault! Why would it be any other way? I've been told in no uncertain terms that two middle aged adults starting an affair was entirely down to me and because I "pushed him away"....not actually sure when that was because he was quite happy in our bed! Guilt, blame, guilt, blame...step away..! x

DollyTwat Sun 30-Mar-14 23:08:16

It doesn't matter who's fault it was now.
Unless you are getting back together and you're not
Everything was my fault too, apparently, yet I remember differently. And that's all that matters is that you know the truth

This woman only has your ex's description of you, if you've never met her, she can only believe what he says. You know he's going to say you're a physco bitch etc. that's what they all say. It's what he'll say about her

Let your boys see him without your input. You concentrate in you. Rebuild your life. Enjoy your friends
What he thinks doesn't matter

MistressDeeCee Mon 31-Mar-14 04:04:52

I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in.

I do understand he is your ExH so the 2 of you may still feel a bond. But, why are you even bothering, OP? You being the spectre in his new relationship is a possible reason why his gf doesn't exactly appreciate the 2 of you being friends. Although actually, the very probable reason is he told her you were a right bitch in the 1st place. & you at present are over interested in him; Full of doomladen prophecies about his gf. You're just trying to come across as the more diplomatic one to him but you and she aren't much different really. You just use different 'language'.

He's no doubt loving all this. 2 women all over him. As he is your Ex and no longer your man, I do think you need to find another focus and perhaps get out a bit more. A man such as this, and this situation, couldn't hold my attention for a nanosecond.

If you're friends no need for that to stop but just step away a bit and leave him to his relationship. If the 2 of you have more than a liking for each other its likely it wont last anyway.

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