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He slapped me

(162 Posts)
feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 00:30:47

Have NC for this.

Last night, my partner of 10 years went out drinking. He came home in such a state, that he fell through the door, ended up smashing his phone, and was playing pinball with the walls. He has never been in such a drunken state like this before.

I told him I had been trying to ring him to find out what time to expect him, and he took his (now smashed up) phone out of his pocket and waved it in my face saying it's dead and so I was lying. I knew for a fact I wasn't, and told him so. He got arsey and then fucked off to bed.

About half an hour later, I went to bed and he woke up. Got up, walked over to the wardrobe, and went on to wee over the clothes. I jumped up telling him to stop and trying to get him to the toilet. He took offence, and flipped at me like I was some evil woman who wouldn't just let him have a wee. He seemed to genuinely not realise wtf he was doing.

Anyway, this was when he turned really nasty. Ranting away at me whilst looking at me with such hatred in his eyes. Because I wouldn't let him return to finish his wee off on the clothes, he slapped me and shoved me out of the way. The slap wasn't that hard, I don't think. I don't recall feeling any pain from it but from the moment I noticed his hand coming towards me, I was instantly shocked. He then returned to the spot and finished his wee.

He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

We have been together for 10 years, got 2 kids and he has never been that drunk before or laid a finger on me. We are meant to be getting married in a few months and I have decided I am at least postponing it. Apart from that, given how he has never hurt me before, is usually always supportive, does more than his fair share around the house and has helped me through so much I don't know what to think. Or do. I feel numb, shocked, and emotionally drained.

I have read so many times that once they have hit you, it only gets worse. But is it really a possibility to start after 10 years?

I don't know what to think sad

StupidMistakes Mon 24-Feb-14 00:42:00

I am sorry this has happened to you. I am afraid it isn't unheard of for an abusive person to wait until they are married to you to begin their abuse. Once you are married you see they have more control because its not as simple as leaving, you also have to deal with a divorce too. Its also not uncommon for them to deny any knowledge of doing it, my ex husband would do this a lot, be shocked by my injuries and claim to have no memory of it. however he knew what the combination of alcohol and cocaine done to him, and still chose the alcohol and drugs over me. He became addicted to cocaine and over a period of years got worse, including stabbing me. In the end I left and no longer have any contact with him.

It is a slippery road, and will depend upon whether he is going to take measures to make sure it never happens again, and you need to make sure you make it perfectly clear if any abuse ever happens again you will leave and not look back.

(((hugs))) because I don't doubt you need them,

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 01:21:01

Oh my god, that sounds awful! I am so sorry to hear you went through that!

Thank you for the hugs. You are right, I could do with plenty right now. And it is usually him I turn to for them, but I can't this time sad

If I do stay, I will be making him aware of the fact that he has to earn my trust back. That what he did, drunk or not, was completely unacceptable and he has hurt me not just physically, but emotionally too. He has tainted what I thought we had. And there is no way I am going through with the wedding until I know he accepts fault, and puts measures in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. And that it hasn't happened again. I won't live a life being scared of him coming home from a night out, as I refuse to ban him. He is an adult and I should be able to trust him to go out, drink responsibly, and not come home being an arse!

I just don't know whether it is wise to even give him another chance. I suffered abuse as a child, and thought I was free from that. I don't want to be caught in that vicious cycle again.

HoratiaDrelincourt Mon 24-Feb-14 01:31:13

It sounds utterly horrible. It also, FWIW, sounds like he was dreaming/sleepwalking.

What I find most upsetting about it, though, is his reaction. Not "I am so sorry, that must have been horrible, I'm mortified, I mustn't get that drunk again" but "OMG that's gross but I was drunk so you can't blame me so stop going on about it".

Is he generally dismissive of your feelings? Has he done the required laundry or is that your job?

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 01:49:21

He isn't generally that dismissive, no. I think that is what is bothering me the most. He is always there for me usually, listening and comforting me because due to my past and a strained relationship with my family, there is always something going on which brings me a lot of upset/stress.

For example, my Uncle decided to have a row with my mother, on my Facebook page, not long ago, broadcasting the fact that she "sat back and watched her husband abuse her kids". That caused world war 100 within the family and it is always me that has to deal with it and sort it out, whilst getting the shit. I was even subject to victim blaming at the time which really hurt. But my partner was there for me, backed me up, comforted me and was my rock. As always. This is why I am so confused because it is like he has changed into someone else in one night! After 10 years!

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 01:50:54

Oh and I told him he is cleaning the clothes. There is no way I am doing it! He said he would, but he still hasn't hmm

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 02:10:29

If he is capable of slapping you and weeing all over your clothesshock then it doesnt bode well. Its a side of him you are aware of now and it will happen again, to varying degrees. Id also be really concerned about his 'move on from it' attitude as that suggests its a minor digression and it isnt. Not at all. I have a mind you'd be shocked if a relative or good friend told you her OP had behaved like that, and rightly so - its distasteful behaviour and thats a mild description of it. You're right to postpone wedding. You've said he's been supportive in the past and thats a good thing, but that doesn't cancel out your expectation of a good future with him. Its not ok to behave badly, just because you've been good in the past. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Wheelerdeeler Mon 24-Feb-14 02:22:26

I'd be asking what he was drinking that changed his personality so much.

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 02:35:28

Yes, I know you are right Mistress sad

According to his mate who also came home with him, he had drank about 10 pints, don't know how many shots of double vodka and also was drinking whisky on its own. It isn't like him to mix drinks at all, but to be downing spirits, and doubles, it is no wonder he was so gone. He was incredibly irresponsible with his drinking. Usually he never has more than 4-6 pints, so I have no idea what got into him hmm

But, this mate is a drinker. And he has started hanging out with him more lately. I am wondering whether it is down to that, as his mate blamed himself but as I said to him, my partner is his own man, with his own mind knowing full well he had responsibilities at home. No one held a gun to his head. He chose to drink irresponsibly and look what happened. But all I got told was how much my partner loves me, he didn't mean it and that he is a great bloke. He soon shut up when I asked whether a great bloke hits his partner who he is meant to love!

Jolleigh Mon 24-Feb-14 02:46:24

Jesus, not a good situation at all! His truly appalling behaviour though is the fact that he's reacting to it with anything other than utter shame. He knows this incident is the reason you've postponed the wedding right? If he continues with his dismissive attitude then I'd personally say you need to spell out in a way he can't talk it into insignificance. Say something along the lines of "you slapped your fiance in the face then pissed in the wardrobe and somehow you don't see that as being something you should be ashamed of".

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 04:49:50

feelingnumb88 yes, your partner is his own man. His mate interceding for him is pointless in the extreme. Its his disrespect of you and his dismissiveness of an appalling incident, thats worrying. Lots of people like a drink, at times to the point of getting tipsy or drunk; but lots of people DONT react to that by hitting others and nastiness. Including urinating on your clothes..? But ultimately its about how you feel now - do you have anyone in RL you can/have discussed this with? Think very carefully about marrying him. If there is any way at all you can come back from this, then he needs to reassure you 100% and not just with words, that this kind of thing is never going to be a feature in your life again. If this is the 1st time its ever happened then perhaps there's a reason for him getting blind drunk. Whatever it is though, it doesnt excuse what he's done at all. I wouldnt blame you for putting marriage on hold for a few years, tbh..you need to know exactly what this man is about not least for your own safety and that of your children.

Im a great believer that people can hide their real face from you for years..but the time will come when you will see who they really are.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 04:54:51

Regardless of how he behaved when drunk, his dismissiveness and not washing the clothes to fix the problem are the reg flags for me.
A good man would have been shocked and would have sorted it.

You should not be making him aware of what he needs to do for you to agree to marry him. He should be aware already.

I am so sorry, but I do think you should leave him.

And yes, it can happen after 10 years. It did get unbearable with exH after over 10 years.

mathanxiety Mon 24-Feb-14 04:56:32

He didn't tell his mate he hit you. He needs to own that.

Ask him to leave, after he has cleaned the clothes.

I do not think you should go through with the wedding. Sorry.

mathanxiety Mon 24-Feb-14 04:57:59

Missed the bit where the clothes still haven't been washed.

This is huge. He is testing you and refusing to be accountable to you for behaviour that was really terrible.

Tell him he has to get out. If you back down on this he will treat you like dirt for ever more.

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 05:02:21

I was about to ask who washed the clothes (it should be him). I didnt realise they hadnt been washed. How filthy...he wants you to 'move on' while those clothes are lying there stinking of piss. Ultimate disrespect, absolutely filthy behaviour. I dont know what more to say apart from, you sound too good for him OP.

Pinter Mon 24-Feb-14 05:04:44

Has he said what he intends to do to earn your trust back?
Definitely wedding off for now

Does he realise how serious this is?

Sorry it happened sad

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 08:39:17

he did this?

then he has a 'move on from it' attitude and hasn't washed the clothes?

Im afraid your better instincts are right, numb. He's choosing to hang round with this bloke and he's choosing to believe it's ok to act as he did - becuase he's not taking steps to make it better.

I'm very sorry for you and your children but it appears to be a fairly hopeless situation. The original incident is awful but his attitude makes it irretrievable. Unless something makes him realise how bad it is, and he actually cares enough to change his approach. From what you say, Im not sure he does care enough. :/

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 09:28:48

Does he have a history of sleep walking. If this is totally out of character only. My brother used to sleep walk. Part of sleep walking included peeing in cupboards or one particularly awful night all over the telly while I was watching it!!!

If you tried to wake him up he would be really aggressive. My brother is a total mild mannered janitor. When he began drinking and would get wrecked and do the same thing. He is about as far from violent you could get and was excruciatingly embarrassed the next day. Unsurprisingly doesn't drink much.

I could see him doing this but it would not be indicative of anything more than a sleep disorder.

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 09:37:55

even so, before he went to bed he was abusive rainbow, smashing his phone, being aggressive. Also even if he was sleep walking, the fact he's dismissing his behaviour the next day and not trying to fix the damage is really a bad sign.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 09:43:47

Well he was only arsey before the wee incident. Think we've all been an arsey drunk before. It just sounds so similar to my brothers sleep walking it is uncanny. I am never scared of my brother but I was when he was sleep walking.

I would cancel, not postpone, the wedding and ask this man to move out of the house. He should have no second chance.

You need time and space apart to think about what you want out of a relationship.

I would also contact NAPAC www.napac.org.uk if you have never spoken to anyone about the abuse you suffered in childhood.

I would also now bar both your uncle and mother from your FB page if you have not already done so; infact I would look into removing yourself from FB altogether. Its a great tool for misuse and these people have certainly sullied your page. You do not have to play your assigned role to them of peacemaker or referee with that lot.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 09:53:35

And I took it that he bashed his phone while falling about cos he was so pissed.

I'm not defending the level of drunkeness, I'd be having words with my dh re this alone.

But in 10 years if there has never been an inkling of violence or this kind of attitude??

I'm not saying he isn't an abusive drunken arse. I'm just sharing a "what else could this mean"because the description of events was so familiar.

Joysmum Mon 24-Feb-14 09:53:59

How he was when drunk is bad enough, but his utter disregard for your feelings now he isn't is far more serious in my opinion.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 09:54:18

seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

Well if he has no recollection and can offer no explanation for why he assaulted you in your own home, then clearly it is not safe for him to be in that home.

You can't have a man who might hit you, or other members of the family, and who has no idea why it happened, around. It's just too risky.

He thinks that because HE doesn't remember it, that YOU should forget it.

You should not.

If he had spent the following day cleaning up the pissy clothes, and if he had decided that he was never going to drink another drop in his life, then maybe it would have been worth staying with him.

But his reaction tells you that he thinks what he did was basically OK.

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 10:00:54

it -is- odd that he behaves like this now after ten trouble free and actually very supportive years yeah rainbow. If it really was a one-off then I'd be inclined to raise hell about it but not let it permanently scar the relationship too much.

It's that he's dismissing it now and leaving the urine-stained clothing unwashed. That to me is a major problem. Also that he acted like this when there were children in the house. if it was sleep walking, what might he do next time? specially if one of them hears him being aggressive and gets up and Daddy is violent?

If he was saying he's terribly sorry, picking up the pieces after himself and promising never to go out with this friend again, that might be a different matter, though it would still be pretty damaging to the relationship. It would depend if numb felt she could trust him again. As it is, I don't think she can :/

It really is odd if he's been so supportive til now.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 12:15:06

This

Well if he has no recollection and can offer no explanation for why he assaulted you in your own home, then clearly it is not safe for him to be in that home.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 12:21:34

FWIW, sounds like he was dreaming/sleepwalking.

No it doesn't.

Kick his arse out. Please.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:02:17

I don't believe he was dreaming or sleep walking, he was clearly smashed out his mind and you bore the brunt of it, simple as that.

Bad enough what he did but his dismissal of it is even worse. I'd write down exactly what occurred to him entering the house and show it to him and make him read it in front of you.

I'd not be leaving him but I wouldn't be planning a wedding either. he must take ownership of this, he's verbally and physically abused you, hardly something you should just move on from.

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:15:19

Thank you everyone for replying. It has definitely confirmed to me what I was thinking, especially with regards to his reaction yesterday after the event. There is no way I can just move on and just forget it happened.

The sleepwalking explanation, I am not sure. Thinking and remembering now, the only one time he has done similar before (but hadn't been out and wasn't drunk), he had awoken and tried to wee on the sofa. I managed to stop him in time and get him around and to the toilet and he wasn't at all aggressive or violent then. So in 10 years, similar thing as happened twice, but when drunk he became violent. I suffer with insomnia so I think I would know whether it happened often.

His friend knows what happened as he could hear me trying to get him to the toilet. He came when he slapped me and tried to deal with him then, but he said he just continued his wee and then got back into bed. I don't know whether this friend of his spoken to him the next day about it, as I rang my friend first thing and she came to collect me (I have no car, and she lives an half hour drive away which is difficult to get to at the best of times with being a village and only has 1 bus that goes there, and I would need to catch two others to get to where that bus is and it only comes every 2 hours or something on a Sunday). So I was up and gone before he was awake.

I do have RL support. My friend yesterday is truly amazing and I don't know where I would of been without her. I also was texting a cousin as I had been on the phone to her when they got home drunk, so she asked me if I was ok and I told her the truth. I am contemplating telling his mother, as she has been like another mum to me but I don't know whether I should be involving her.

Yes, he smashed his phone as he fell through the door.

Thanks for the link to napac. I will definitely take a look once I have a minute to myself. I did block my mother and uncle (which again, I got shit for but I won't have my past broadcasted on fb for all to see!) But I am considering just getting rid of it full stop. I used it as an easy way to keep up with family and friends (I now live over 100 miles away so barely see them) and share photos but I am scared to put anything on there now in case someone else decides to comment on my status and start off a whole new other argument. I had only been joking with my sister about her doing my hair for me when they both jumped into the conversation. And at that point, I was in the bath so hadn't seen it for nearly an hour later so god knows who saw it sad. I am thinking it just best if I do get rid of my page full stop.

We still haven't spoken properly. And he is at work today so will be tonight before we do. He shan't be going anywhere until all the clothes are washed, dried, ironed and put away again! But as Meerka says, I don't feel like I can trust him. Mainly due to his reaction yesterday to his actions. I have no idea how tonight will pan out, but I hope I find some strength from somewhere because right now, I barely have it to keep my eyes open! Have barely slept since.

Got DS2 playing up right now, so will have to go. But I do thank you all for your input.

CailinDana Mon 24-Feb-14 13:16:31

For the relationship to survive I would expect him to replace all the wee covered clothes (not just wash them) and get the carpet professionally cleaned if necessary. I would expect him to give up drinking entirely and never ever touch a drop again. If he had so much as a chocolate liquer he'd be out on his arse. If he refused I'd send him on his way with my hope that he and his one true love, alcohol, were very happy together.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 13:23:01

I think if he ever has another drink knowing that drink makes him violent towards you, then he basically thinks this is OK and something you should put up with.

Cabrinha Mon 24-Feb-14 13:31:38

OK, putting 2+2 together and making 100 here, and I'm only going on what I've read on MN, I am no expert.
But... separate to the violence, you've mentioned living somewhere quite isolated when you have to rely on buses, and being far away from your family.
As you often read on here about abusers deliberately isolating their partners, it did make me raise my eyebrow.

I'm with everyone else: I would even begin to think about how he could make me trust him, if he wasn't absolutely mortified and ashamed. He hit you. He should be scared of what he was capable of, and desperate to apologise to you. Not dismissing it.

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 13:40:22

Like others, I don't feel his behaviour while drunk is anywhere near as significant as his sober behaviour following this incident.

Even allowing for the fact that he might genuinely be so shocked by his own behaviour that he is instantly minimising it (a very human trait), the fact that he hasn't even attempted to clean up the mess he's made, make plans to limit his drinking, and apologise is very very telling.

Good luck for the future OP.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:45:50

U shud have videoed him and then show him just how bad it was.

chrissy74 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:55:58

Once abuse starts it is a slippery slope.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 14:08:14

Hey I'm not defending this guy. It sounds horrific. Getting so drunk that you are pissing on your own clothes and slapping your wife is fucking awful.

But I think like anything you have to look at things in context. In 10 years the husband is supportive, helps around the house and doesn't drink like this normally.

This behaviour is quite at odds with the sober man she knows.

I would definitely speak to his mum to see if he had any history of sleep pissing.

You all don't know my brother but really the idea of him hurting a woman is ridiculous he is as soft as a lamb and his wife testifies to his loveliness. But I've seen him really out of character when we have tried to wake him. V scary. He would shout and push and he is over 6 ft so he could really hurt you.

This guy had been in a dream state when he slapped the OP. It is not his normal state.

And yeah, I agree that his lack of grovelling is strange. He should be doing all he can to make up for such awful behaviour.

I don't have any experience of dv and I don't see things through that prism. And I accept that I may be wrong and this guy has been hiding his abusive nature under cover of a decent guy for 10 years and now knowing that they are getting married has decided to let his mask slip and show his true self. But I think this pretty unlikely.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 14:26:26

I don't have much advice but just wanna say I hope you're ok op, you must be very shaken after something like that.

I would generally forgive most things once but he really needs to start doing some serious grovelling! I also would tend to believe the sleepwalking thing! There is no way he couldn't possibly be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

My ExH raised his hand to me once when drunk (dark spirits were NOT his friend)
I told him if he even tried I'd be gone with DD. He didn't actually hit me - but the fact he even thought about it was enough.
He didn't remember it the next day but it has never left my mind.
We stayed together for a while but for me, it was always that bit different. That I thought he loved me and would protect me no matter what, then he turned and became someone that might hurt me - physically in fact.
It just wasn't the same again.
That's what you need to think about.
You maybe can try to forgive him but if you never forget and your feelings have changed towards him then it just won't last.
And like others, I cannot believe he hasn't washed the clothes.
That is just disrespectful on all kinds of levels.
Let us all know how it goes tonight.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 15:04:16

Rainbow, the main problem is what he is doing now that he's sober.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:12:31

She's not going to LTB so no point in folk telling her to do so. OP, write it all down seriously, it will have a bigger impact than you telling him as he might think you are exaggerating it. When he sees it down on paper and reads it hopefully that will give him the kick up the arse that he needs. Yes, he probably is in denial and not wanting to face up to it but how does that help you or get over the fact he's verbally and physically abused you, it doesn't even come close. He needs to face up to what he's done.

Bullet point every action one by one.....

LiberalLibertine Mon 24-Feb-14 15:13:24

Yes, rainbows,I could (possibly) buy all that, but he gives not one fuck now he's sober.

I'm the irresponsible one in our house, and if I'd done any of that, I'd be Mortified.

The fact he's not and is instead trying to make out op is overreacting is worrying.

Has this friend suddenly become single? Seems odd he's hanging out with him more?

Sorry to hear this OP. He doesn't sound very remorseful sadly?

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 15:26:34

She's not going to LTB so no point in folk telling her to do so.

I'd think the opposite. If she was, then there would be no point. smile
It's always worth remembering that LTB is a viable, and often desirable, course of action.

I have also grown quite wary of coaching partners into acting like good partners would. He's not a child. He should know what he did was wrong. He should be apologetic and cleaning his own mess. Like a responsible adult.
He should not need to see it written down.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:39:23

Just so sick of reading LTB, believe it or not but peeps do have relationship problems, in fact most of us do, when they are few and far between you'd much rather stay and work it out than pack a bag, a bag packed to where-nobody knows.

He should see it written down, it will be there permanently for him or her to refer to.

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 15:49:16

There are relationship problems and then there's physically assaulting your wife.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:05:31

I know Dahlen, nobody is condoning his behaviour for one second, it's disgusting, the OP still isn't going to LTB. This is one incident in 10 years, hardly in his character, think it's more a case of he needs to stay away from alcohol.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 16:07:38

But he won't stay away from alcohol if he doesn't own up to what he did and make it better for the OP.

I agree that the OP is not likely to leave. Few people do in the first instances. But she should know that it is a valid option. That she doesn't have to stay. Particularly if he doesn't do anything on the way of preventing further events, or making up to her.

IWroteToTheZoo Mon 24-Feb-14 16:13:54

For what it's worth, my ex partner would occasionally sleepwalk after he'd been drinking and wee in the corner or in the wardrobe. It happened on three or four occasions over 15 years. He was impossible to wake up and acted very confused when he did it, and would have no memory of it in the morning. However, he was never angry or violent in that state.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:18:29

I think the OP knows she can leave if she wants to, she's not asking for an exit strategy here though.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 16:21:42

I am not seeing that he doesn't give a fuck. He had apologised. The OP left (understandably) before he got up yesterday and he has been at work today. They haven't talked properly about it so it is just speculation re his not giving a fuck.

If he is not used to drinking like that then he will have been a physical wreck yesterday which may explain the lack of washing of the clothes.

He had blacked out. He has no recollection of events. He may find it hard to believe he could behave like that. My money is on the full realisation of what he had done hitting him today. I think the OP could expect some grovelling tonight.

I am just going to be honest and say this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If he had shown any violent aggressive tendencies over the last 10 years I would be thinking differently. But if it's an isolated incident then I'd put it down to alcohol and dream state. I'd want some reassurance re no more drinking but I'd put it in perspective.

But I also know that if I were op I'd be furious right now and I'm not sure I'd be helped by people encouraging my fury.

nauticant Mon 24-Feb-14 16:27:16

He sorry is he really if he can't be arsed to wash the piss-soaked clothes rainbowsmiles?

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:43:49

Don't really think he should be getting a pat on the back for this being the first time either Rainbow...

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 16:44:44

Well, in fairness he did go out -last- night so yes, like Rainbow says he's probably in an appalling state today. You'd hope so anyway. Probably tomorrow too, with that big a bender. I imagine he can't possibly have gone into work or washed the clothes - yet.

if this is all a giant surprise to him, then maybe he's still reeling from shock as no doubt the poster is.

perhaps the next 24 hours will be crucial in if he'll change attitude / approach.

Most of all he'd need to give up alcohol in more than very small amounts and maybe to avoid that friend, since he seems to have been drinking more heavily since meeting him.

I don't know, guess that frankly he's at a crossroads. There's plenty of men would choose getting lashed over being a good husband. There's plenty would choose the other way.

Hope he makes the right choice, OP, and I hope you're managing to get thru the day today.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:52:19

He's hungover? Aw... bless him hmm

Nevermind him - how are you feeling OP? x

BiscuitMillionaire Mon 24-Feb-14 17:04:55
WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:10:45

Why he did it is one thing... he still needs to take some responsibility for doing it in the first place.

peggyundercrackers Mon 24-Feb-14 17:11:33

pissing in wardrobes or corners or wherever when extremely pissed is extremely common - they arent sleepwalking but it is like a trance they are in. given the amount of alcohol he had drunk im not surprised he doesnt remember - i think its pointless asking him why he done it when he obviously has no clue of what even went on...

mixing spririts and drinking whisky is a big no no for me - i know a few people who turn extremely violent when they get drunk on whisky, its like a red mist comes down and thats it, all hell breaks loose - its not nice, ive seen people hospitalised because of their behaviour.

from the sounds of it he isnt like that all the time but i would be concerned he hasnt cleaned up after himself and the fact he hasnt appologised about it all. i also think i would be unhappy at him hanging out with his mate who is a big drinker all of a sudden - whats driven that behaviour?

as usual some of the answers from the same old people on here are a little extreme, take some of the advice on here with a pinch of salt and do what you think is reasonable, not what some stranger on the internet tells you to do...

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:15:14

I agree with peggy - take all advice with pinch of salt, that goes for both kicking him out and trying to excuse his behaviour...

How's your day been op?

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 17:21:21

I was ready to say that if this was the first time this had happened and that he promised not to drink again (as he clearly can't handle his drink) then i would let this go.

BUT i would expect him to be bloody mortified and falling over himself to make it up to you - he isn't he is turning it around so that probably by the end of the day today he will be trying to convince you that you are being unreasonable for "going on" at him about it. In fact, he will probably say that you should have left him be and let him continue to piss over the clothes.

My friend was in a similar position with a piss head wanker for a DP. Did exactly the same thing, pissing in the wardrobe, down the stairs, the worse thing was in his DDs bed sad It took her a few years but it got alot worse before he left, she is a different, much happier person now. He is a sad alcoholic with no job and no future

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 17:22:35

Just because something is common doesn't make it ok!

Lazyjaney Mon 24-Feb-14 17:23:35

It's a one off in 10 years, this isn't LTB territory yet despite the chorus from the usual suspects.

He was probably completely out of it yesterday, see how contrite he is in the next 48 hours, then make you call (but some of the extreme levels of contrition demanded here are absurd).

HopeClearwater Mon 24-Feb-14 17:27:23

I'd be asking what he was drinking that changed his personality so much

That would be alcohol then. Duh.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:28:27

A 'chorus' from the usual LTB suspects is more encouraging that the queue of doormats looking to excuse and minimise it...

He needs to take responsibility for hitting OP - why he did it/if he can remember doing it is what they discuss after that.

All this 'one off' talk troubles me greatly as someone who used to work with victims of DV. And that is what this was - whether it was because of drink, sleep walking (FGS) or rage - why it happened doesn't change what it is.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:28:45

*than the queue

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:32:52

I don't think anyone is minimising what he did at all and I don't think we are doormats either. I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this, she will want to ensure it doesn't happen again and that he is severely sorry to the point that he doesn't drink again.

The OP has told us this is the first time it has happened, that's a fact, whether you like it or not.

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 17:33:50

I am most definately not part of the LTB brigade! But seriously, this is so NOT acceptable and a serious red flag that HE should be taking notice off. The only thing that i am questioning here is maybe someone spiked his drinks? How often is he going out and drinking 4-6 pints? thats quite a lot if its several nights a week.

He should take notice of this and be vowing to never drink again in case he does it again - if he doesn't make this sort of gesture then i would have to think very seriously as to whether i could marry him or not.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 17:34:57

some of the extreme levels of contrition demanded here are absurd

Yeah, imagine expecting a man to be EXTREMELY contrite for hitting his wife. hmm

Jaysus, if he's worked out now that he should say sorry a few times, then leave the poor fellow be.

Every man is entitled one go at beating his wife before she's allowed to consider telling him to fuck off with himself.

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 17:34:58

But Jan - he has apologised, told the OP to move on from it and made no promises not to drink again. That is the point.

There is always a first time

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 17:37:45

I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this

I think you need to stop speaking for a woman who last night because a victim of domestic violence.

That is really not cool at all.

You don't know how she feels or what she wants.

But your determination to see her stay with a man who hit her is quite unpleasant to witness.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:37:58

It is the first time. Yes. I didn't say it wasn't.

Are we supposed to congratulate for not slapping her before?! Bonkers.

The tone of some of the 'one-off' references are that this makes it better. I don't think the people who think she should kick him out (even if it's just temporarily while they BOTH have breathing space) are a 'LTB' chorus of usual suspects.

Pretty sure some people put up with stuff like this and then try and encourage others to do the same (ie. doormats) - NOT any one on here. But I've seen it on MN a lot and it is very very dangerous.

Anyhoo - hope you're alright OP.

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 17:38:18

Ya know these "one offs" ?

A pattern of DV associated with the abuse of alcohol all start with a one off. Especially if you sweep it under the carpet and "move on"

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 17:40:29

Alcohol is not a changer of personality

It enhances an existing characteristic. This man is a physical abuser of women, alcohol or no alcohol. He will do it again. They (pretty much) all do.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:42:21

LEM: He doesn't remember a thing today (so he says). Not even how he got home. I couldn't even be in the same room as him so I went to my best mates meaning we haven't properly spoken about it. He apologised, said he is shocked he did it but seems to think that I should just move on from it now because he was drunk and has no recollection/can't offer me an explanation.

They have yet to talk about it, he has no recollection, it will be a black out to him. Until they have the talk and as I suggested, bullet point every single point from him entering the home, make him read it, then discuss whether or not you want to stick with him.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 17:43:10

Whatever Trevor I can see how your experience of dv would colour your view and you may be right. As I say I've no experience of it. My dad would never have laid a finger on my mum and my husband is not a violent or aggressive guy.

I'm not sure I'm patting anyone on the back by acknowledging that up until 2 nights ago according to the op The bloke had been a stand up guy.

I can reassure you that I am as far from a door mat as you could imagine. Boundaries and understanding are not mutually exclusive.

My ex was a terrible drunk. Used to push me and mainly tell me how awful I was. He was also prone to pissing on clothes in the night. He would never truly regret it in the morning. That's not why we split up btw. I just let him get away with it because it was only when he was drunk and that wasn't often. He still turned out to be a prick. Sorry for you OP.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:44:30

AFHQ No you don't understand. The poor lamb is a hungover sleep walker. And it's his first time hitting his wife. It's all fine...
hmm

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:44:52

JYPF: *I guarantee you the OP does not want to leave him over this

I think you need to stop speaking for a woman who last night because a victim of domestic violence.

That is really not cool at all.

You don't know how she feels or what she wants.

But your determination to see her stay with a man who hit her is quite unpleasant to witness.*

This actually makes me sad, how much out of touch you are with the OP's post and my own.

Having a personal attack at me only makes you look uncool and everyone can now witness your tactics to construe what people are actually saying, dearie me.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:47:45

Lobby glad you're out of that horrid situation brew

MillyBlods Mon 24-Feb-14 17:49:12

My DH did the very same and I also tried to stop him weeing in the wardrobe. I shouted and tried to drag him to the loo but in his drunken state he truly believed that the wardrobe was the loo and got angry because he was desperate to wee and felt I was moving him away from it. Personally I would believe him that he doesn't remember and was just reacting to someone pulling him away from the loo. Could have been anyone.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:49:13

Nobody is saying it's fine or minimising it, you lot are making that up because we're not all joining the LTB band.

Trevor: you made the point of it being a one off incident and that not being an excuse, no it's not but that's what the OP has said, it's the first incident in 10 years.

Not once in the post has the OP intimated leaving him so I hardly think I am encouraging her to stay with a wife beater because I have deduced she doesn't want to leave him over this.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 17:49:38

They have yet to talk about it, he has no recollection, it will be a black out to him.

Um... they HAVE talked about it.

That's how he was able to communicate that he didn't remember doing it and she should stop going on about him hitting her and just accept it as something he wasn't responsible for.

You shouldn't have to sit down with someone and give them a blow by blow account of their abuse of you for them to be EXTREMELY contrite.

A decent person, of any stripe, would be APPALLED and TERRIFIED at what they were capable of doing, no matter how drunk they were.

If you found out you'd slapped one of your children in anger when you were drunk, would you expect that to just be written off as no big deal?

A MAN, hit his wife and is not really at all sorry and thinks she should be fine with what happened.

And you think it's important to write it off a a "one off".

The only way this could be a one off would be if HE was doing EVERYTHING in his power to make sure he could NEVER do anything like this again.

He is not doing that. He is doing a very good impression of someone who isn't at all sorry.

It sounds like he might have been on drugs too.

What a wanker. There is no excuse for lashing out at you.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 17:52:54

I had no idea that so many people thought that every man should be given at least two chances to beat his wife.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:53:50

JYP: not getting into it anymore with you, they haven't had a talk, not properly if you read back. If the OP ever comes back to this thread, I'm sure she will enlighten you on that fact.

Your insistence on describing me as someone I don't know is quite remarkable, esp this bit: And you think it's important to write it off a a "one off".

As this is now descending into petty personal attacks, time for me to go.

MillyBlods Mon 24-Feb-14 17:54:12

He never tried to wee in the wardrobe again. That was twenty four years ago and Stella Artois was involved.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:56:19

This 'LTB brigade' stuff is nonsense. People are so out of order encouraging OP to get stuff (even if it's just temporary) space from her 'D'H was was drunk and violent in the last 24 hours.

It's not bra burning or 'LTB' ranting, it's common sense - protect yourself and your children while said violent drunk/hungover husband calms down and reflects.

Oh and OP saying that she doesn't want to leave doesn't mean:
a) she won't change her mind (especially after next time)
or
b) she shouldn't

Delighted that the doormat remark has ruffled feathers. Not nice being labelled is it?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:19

I love that you think a PROPER talk is needed before a man would feel appalled and frightened that he beat his wife during a blackout.

I mean, I've seen a lot of "poor menz, they are so simple" stuff on here, but this really takes the biscuit.

If he needs a "proper" talk to acknowledge that he is currently a danger to his wife unless he stops drinking and that he has changed their relationship forever by becoming a person who has physically abused her, then she should be making plans to leave.

This is a fucking no brainer.

A person who did something like this and for whom it was truly out of character would be falling over themselves to try to make amends.

Not waiting for their wife to explain that she didn't like being hit very much.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:46

*stuff = space
(bloody phone)

Anyhoo. My concern is OP 's safety not what the rest of you may be willing to put up with (sorry insight).

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 18:04:21

again in fairness - and I absolutely do not in any way condone what he's done!- the OP can only have seen him for a very brief time since all this happened last night.

It may take a bit of time for it to sink in just what he's done.

The responsibility is entirely his for both drinking that much and for his behaviour, but if he doesnt remember it he may have trouble even believing it right now given that it appears to be utterly out of his normal pattern of behaviour. (actualy 4-6 pints in a night sounds a lot to me, even before you get to the incredible amount he drunk last night).

He could also have mishandled his children. That he didn't, if he was that incapable, was sheer luck. That's all. Luck.

If he remains in denial of the seriousness of what he's done, then sadly the relationship is going to be in very serious trouble because apart from anything else, the OP could not trust him again either with herself or her children.

If he genuinely realises what he's done and alters his behaviour, maybe the OP could slowly rebuild trust, thoguh this has to be extra-painful given her background. It would leave a permanent mark, but all lives and all relationships have scars and scars can heal ... In time.

Overall until this awful night he sounded a very good partner and I assume father.

Any healing from now on depends on his attitude and behaviour. If he still has the same 'move on from it' attitude tomorrow, then its a very bad sign. If he actually wakes up to the seriousness of what he's done, then maybe there's hope. I do believe in second chances in most cases, if someone genuinely shows remorse.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 18:06:35

Oh my word....Listen to what happened. He was pissing in the wardrobe and slapped the OP because she was trying to pull him away. He has never slapped been aggressive or violent up until then. But then maybe he hadn't realised just how much he loved pissing in the wardrobe up until 2 nights ago. Maybe he was enjoying the experience so much that he couldn't bear to stop and so lashed out at anyone suggesting a wardrobe was not a good place to piss.

He didn't just jump out of bed and start shouting and hitting. He was semi conscious. Although we can't rule out that secretly he longs to pee in wardrobes and the alcohol just enhanced his longing. Are we really going to throw him out over that.

My dad is on extreme medication which makes his dreams seem real. One of the awful side effects is he punches and kicks in bed and sometimes my mum gets it. The specialist warned it is a common side effect. You reckon my mum should leave him for being a sleeping abuser.
Get real.

And the OP has said they haven't really talked about it.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 18:13:04

rainbow - your account is completely biased in favour of your made up notion that this incredibly drunk man was "sleepwalking".

It's like you feel the men in your family are all just one step away from slapping their own wives and you need to feel OK about how normal that is.

Hint: it's not normal.

The only part of your "story" that is significant is the bit where he slapped his wife.

He slapped his wife.

He was really drunk and he slapped his wife.

That is domestic violence.

He has offered no explanation for his violence, and thinks it was no big deal.

That's the story.

If it takes him two days to realise that hitting his wife is actually a big deal and that he is responsible for what he does when he's drunk, even if he doesn't remember afterwards, then he's not a good man.

He's a bad man who hasn't been caught out before.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:13:17

No comment.

Good luck OP.

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 18:13:54

I cant see why the fact its a one-off is even a matter for discussion. Everything starts somewhere, doesnt it? Which woman in her right mind would be sitting there thinking 'oh its just a one-off' when theyre sat next a man who's slapped them in the face with an 'I only did it once, just move on' without a shred of contriteness...all accompanied by the lovely stench of pissed-on clothes that'll probably continue to get more rancid until dear little wifey washes them. Talk about low standards.

When someone is so massively disrespectful to you including blatantly showing you he has zero intention of taking responsibility for it, you'd have to be extremely naive not to take great note of that.

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 18:16:53

My DP whacked me in the face once, when he was woken suddenly by something outside, i put my hand on his shoulder and he immediately lashed out and gave me a thick lip. He was mortified and it wasn't even his fault. He has never pissed in the wardrobe - if he did, it would be the first and last time he did it in my house.

It was his dismissive attitude that people have the problem with - had he been "OMFG, i am so sorry, what a twunt i am, im really sorry, oh, this wont happen again, i promise, i'll take steps to ensure i never do anything like this ever again, if that means i can't drink so be it" "yes of course i understand how upset you are, i just want to reassure you this wont happen again," ad nauseum............THEN it would probably be OK, even if he hadn't felt able to clean up his mess yet, had he been truly contrite i probably would have even shoved the stuff in the machine for him, but no, he wasn't was he - he told her she should move on because he was so pissed that he can't remember doing it.

See - what if he killed her, what if he got into such a rage that he slapped her, pushed her and she hit her head and died - would that be ok? Would the court dismiss the case because he couldn't remember what he did???

If i had got into such a state that i did that, i would be mortified (and believe me ive been plastered) and falling over myself to make it up to my partner. He isn't

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 18:16:58

By low standards I am not talking about you, OP. I am referring to some who seem to think this is a one-off/out of character so its somehow fine to forgive/its unlikely to happen again; this is the kind of talk men who are violent to their wives use to explain away their actions and Im sad to see women repeating it, especially in this day and supposedly enlightened age. I hope you are ok

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 18:19:05

Oh brother.... I give up

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:20:14

yes yes yes finally some sense!
Thank you Mistress

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 18:27:34

Oh there's a lot of sense here and there on this thread Trevor you just have to wade through some of the "eyebrow raising" responses to see them..! smile

Im an advocate of 'when a person shows you who they are, believe them'..

EllaJayne123 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:29:51

I have to say I'm a woman and I have come home before after a very heavy night of drinking and cannot remember a thing but the next morning my partner told me I was very aggressive, had hit him, smashed his laptop and got very angry. I have never ever done that before and honestly cannot remember doing it. Once he said this I have never felt so much regret or embarrassment in my life. While I truly believe you should never put up with an abusive man and if you are in a position where you don't feel safe then you should definatly leave but it doesn't seem you feel unsafe around him? I think there are quite allot of sexist stereotypes around this as well, why I told people my story they were straigt away in with a helping hand don't feel bad ect but when it's a man people have different views. If after this you would not feel safe alone with him drunk then your relationship is already over in my eyes. So sorry this happened to you, hope you work out what's right for you and it goes well for you! Oh and if he hasn't cleaned he pissy clothes that's a whole other debate! Good luck

HoratiaDrelincourt Mon 24-Feb-14 18:30:06

Oi, even those of us who think it might be sleepwalking - on the basis of experience of pissed sleepwalkers hmm - have said it's unacceptable to hit your wife, and that a normal, non-abusive sleepwalker would say "omg I must never do that again" but a potential abuser would say "not my fault".

I am surprisingly violent in my dreams, because I know they're dreams.

HoratiaDrelincourt Mon 24-Feb-14 18:31:38

Ella, you "had never felt so much regret and embarrassment in my life". That's the difference, not your genitals.

croixrousse Mon 24-Feb-14 18:33:20

He may not be contrite because he has no recollection and doesn't really know what happened; if they're not in the habit of slapping anyone it wouldn't surprise me if they were more taken aback at the very idea than apologetic. I think I'd be pretty confused if someone told me I'd done similar things I had no recollection of.

Frankly if the OP wants to forgive what is a one off as it stands (not an excuse but a statement of fact), that's her business and only she can weigh the value of the relationship against the possibility of the behaviour repeating.

MillyBlods Mon 24-Feb-14 18:33:35

Gosh Lem your OH lashed out at you and then you touched his shoulder and then he hit you and gave you a thick lip.....all because there was a noise outside and it woke him upshock That's odd behaviour isn't it?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 18:36:15

when it's a man people have different views.

Yeah, they do.

Maybe it has something to do with the two women PER WEEK that are murdered by men who are either partners or ex partners.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 18:37:54

He may not be contrite because he has no recollection and doesn't really know what happened

Not good enough.

Not even close.

If he was a decent man who wasn't a risk for doing this again, the fact that he had no recollection would frighten him, not make him complacent about his lack of responsibility.

Capitola Mon 24-Feb-14 18:40:27

The fact that he got so completely out-of-control drunk that he pissed on the clothes would put me off entirely, let alone that he hit you.

What a vile creature.

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 18:40:35

No milly - he lashed out when i touched him and caught me in the face, he had sat up in bed and wasn't properly awake and didn't know what was going on - in fact, i think he was probably asleep. So i don't really know what you are getting at, sorry. Difficult to explain, he leapt up, i put my hand on his shoulder, he hit out defensively as it obviously hadn't registered with him that it was me (there was the mother of all rows going on in the street).

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 18:41:24

I would tell a bloke that was slapped by his wife when she was drunk the exact same thing I have here, and have done so

HoratiaDrelincourt Mon 24-Feb-14 18:50:02

Once when he was very tired and reasonably drunk then-DP now-DH refused to let me get back in bed after I went to the loo. He was certainly asleep, but absolutely adamant.

A couple of hours later, he woke up properly, saw me lying on the floor under some coats, trying to get warm, and politely asked what the fuck I was doing. So I told him.

He is still apologising to this day, some eleven years later. Because although he can't believe he did it, he believed me when I told him about it.

So I don't buy the "he isn't contrite because he doesn't remember" idea.

MillyBlods Mon 24-Feb-14 18:51:30

Sorry Lem read your post totally wrong. Apologies.smile

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 18:52:58

heh I can believe it LEM. If you get woken up in the middle of a deep sleep phase it's like total disorientation and no idea what you're doing / what's going on! All the usual deep inhibitions are gone, for that first split second. And being woken up like that can give you the most intense terror for half a second before you collect yourself.

Or maybe im just weird

AGoodPirate Mon 24-Feb-14 19:07:07

LEM said what I wanted to say.

LurcioLovesFrankie Mon 24-Feb-14 19:17:23

Kick the fucker out and never let him back into your house OP. He's the one who's hit you and pissed all over a 10 year relationship along with the wardrobe. His reaction the day after - minimise, ignore, tell OP to move on, do nothing to make amends - tells you everything you need to know. It was not a blackout, he doesn't give a shit.

And as for the "aw, poor little sleep walking didums, give him a second chance" brigade, you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

gilliangoof Mon 24-Feb-14 19:27:22

It sounds like he was sleepwalking. sleepwalkers pee in cupboards a lot. If he is normally great (haven't read the whole thread) then I would let it slide. I sleepwalk myself and have no clue what I'm doing. I've hurt myself a few times, never anybody else TG.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 19:36:02

It doesn't sound remotely like he was sleepwalking.

Unless he sleepwalked down to the pub and sleep drank all night and then sleep came home and sleep fell in the door, he was DRUNK.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 19:43:17

He may be whatever he is normally. He wasn't a decent person when he was told what he had done.
I find it hard to believe that he hasn't shown signs before, only the OP probably didn't notice them or dismissed them, because we tend to believe the best in people.

That is probably why some people here dismiss this too. People who have suffered dv, or have been in contact with it, know the signs, rather than be biased. In that sense, someone who hasn't, or who lives it and hasn't left or hasn't recognised it, can be just as biased as someone who has gone through dv.

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Feb-14 19:53:50

How on earth was he sleepwalking?

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:50:18

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't been back but I have had a poorly toddler to deal with, then had to go out and collect the eldest at which point I took them for a treat as I felt guilty in a strange way, because whatever I chose affects them and they adore their father. And he is a great dad, always helps with bath times, bed times, takes them out to the park at weekends leaving me to have some peace etc. I can't fault him on being a dad, but I couldn't fault him on being a partner until this happened so I am starting to wonder wtf do I know.

To clear up things that have been asked, he doesn't drink weekly or fortnightly. In fact, this was his 3rd night out since November but each time he has got that bit more drunk. And yes, each time was with this friend who is a drinker. This friend also got chucked out by his ex wife 3 months after getting married, and so is single currently (can't remember who asked now).

Well, since he got home he has literally done everything. Not given me chance to do dinner, tidy up, zilch. I just had dinner and then went for a bath leaving him to it because I don't want to have it out with him in front of the kids. When I got out he had a board game up ready for us to play with DS1. So yes, not sure what that was about. Whether DSs idea or his to try get me to forget it but I couldn't let DS down as he was excited.

I wasn't even sure what to think when I started this thread. Whether I was overreacting or whether it is a slippery slope from here and I should get him to leave. I was open for opinions all around. I still am not sure, because now he just appears to be doing his usual trick of burying his head in the sand (like when his best friend died and it was all over the news, he didn't buy papers or watch anything to avoid it) and trying to move on. He will be getting a shock later when I have it out with him. I will not go back to living my life in fear, end of. His actions whilst having this discussion and what he does after will speak volumes. Because I think he should go to his mothers and seek help to make sure I or the kids don't ever have to go through that. But I won't be suggesting it, it has to come from him.

Maybe he is waiting too for the kids to be asleep, we shall see. But no chance is he getting off with pretending like it didn't happen. And if he chooses to be deluded, then he can do it elsewhere.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:53:06

I would let it slide

Pitiful.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:56:54

Thanks for update OP. While we all don't agree we all wish you well :-)

Have a plan for if this ever happens again. An emergency safety plan will give you peace of mind. Hopefully you won't need it.

feelingnumb88 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:14

I will, although for now I haven't even decided if I can forgive never mind continue. I will just have to wait to see what happens shortly.

Thank you for being there, even though I did disappear for a while!

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:14

Good luck getting him to communicate, OP

I wonder how long he will keep up the "busy, busy" act to make sure you stay shut down.

LEMmingaround Mon 24-Feb-14 21:05:39

I think you are being very sensible. It is clear that whilst he isn't drinking regularly, the amount he is drinking is causing problems. I would want a garuntee from him that he will curtail this. Either by not going out (with that particular friend might be an idea!) which is a bit much, or by cutting back, or cutting out the drinking - i think if he makes that commitment then its fine, but if he isn't willing to do that, then you have problems.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 24-Feb-14 21:07:53

It sounds like you have a very clear idea of what you need to happen now.

I hope it works out how you want it to.

Best of luck smile

An ex a long time ago got really, really drunk and peed in my underwear drawer. No violence though. Good luck OP.

ThinkFirst Mon 24-Feb-14 21:25:18

If this is the 3rd time since November and his drunkeness has been getting worse each time, it sounds like he's on a slippery slope. He has to understand that he's at fault here, and he has to talk to you about it. He should cut out the drinking, especially with the new friend.

Don't let him brush this under the carpet, he has to understand that his actions have consequences.

Meerka Mon 24-Feb-14 21:33:09

think is right, this is a slippery slope he's on ... and he gets violent when he's drunk :/

numb, I hope he will wake up and realise what he's doing and risking. That he cuts it right out, that he chooses you and his children over the drinking and his friend.

I hope you can get through to him tonight. Thinking of you.

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 21:33:22

Good luck OP

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 21:40:26

3 times since November is a fairly predictable monthly occurrence

Op is due another slap around mid March, perhaps this time it will be a punch since that boundary has been fairly effectively crossed and comprehensively trashed by him

Clutterbugsmum Mon 24-Feb-14 21:51:35

Whoopi do he cooked dinner and looked after your children.

Has he done what you told him to do or are your pissed covered clothes still waiting to be for you washed.

Surely if he really sorry he would at least do that.

tribpot Mon 24-Feb-14 21:57:16

Good luck OP. I think you know how contrite and beside yourself you would be if you had been the drunken aggressor. You should expect nothing less from him. You must postpone the wedding for now; he truly must see a visible, public consequence of his drinking to go with the private shame of having assaulted you (although you have the option to make that public too).

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:05:14

I'd also want him to stop going out with this "friend", but it would have to come from this.

You do sound strong, 88, even if you haven't yet decided what to do. It's not something to decide overnight, but I would just urge you to keep your boundaries firmly in place. Don't let him cross them slowly, slowly until they seem a distant memory.
What do you expect from him? What you want to happen?

And I'd cancel the wedding. Postponing seems like you'll get round to it eventually and doesn't give him enough incentive to change, assuming he can.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:05:45

"it would have to come from him.", rather

OP how long ago did his bf die? Do you think he would benefit from counselling? Tbh I'd be suggesting some anyway.

rainbowsmiles Mon 24-Feb-14 22:27:39

Good luck with it all. I would be expecting a no drinking promise. What happened cannot ever happen again. Not for you and not for the kids. I hope he makes all the right changes.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Tue 25-Feb-14 00:17:13

I hope he washed the pissed on clothes OP in his flurry of activities. HE needs to do it.

thanks for you OP - what a shitty situation he's put you in with his thoughtlessness.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 00:21:15

Yeah get the wedding on the back burner.

Alcohol, bereavement, the 'sleep walking' theory... If he wants to try and explain hear him out (if you want) but please don't let him or anyone else try to excuse him hitting you. Because there is no excuse. It's just giving him a thumbs up to do it again. Really.

I'd see the fact you're not married as my chance to get out (potentially) please don't marry him until you genuinely believe that he has taken responsibility and you trust he won't do it again or at least will avoid situations where he might be tempted to do it again.

X

mathanxiety Tue 25-Feb-14 00:37:36

I also think you sound strong and purposeful, and you are right to wait to see what comes from him.

BUT be prepared to cut your losses if your boundaries are crossed -- do not be tempted to throw away your precious time and energy on the basis that there have been ten good years. The slippery slope has to start somewhere.

BTW, have the clothes been washed, and by whom if so?

The drinking friend is not a friend to your relationship. He has to stop associating with him. I would be interested in hearing what he has to say about continuing to see him and drink with him. If he chooses the friend even though he is aware of how horribly he behaves with him, then I would call it curtains.

Jan45 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:26:55

Thanks for coming back OP, despite all the controversy. You sound strong and level thinking, him, on the other hand isn't doing what I would've hoped he would, it's worrying. Please come back and update.

Rebecca2014 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:39:08

I think he does need to stop drinking, he is obviously an aggressive drunk.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 10:43:53

How did your talk go last night, OP ?

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 15:42:12

OP - how's it going? x

SnookyPooky Thu 27-Feb-14 16:45:43

My ex pushed me down a short flight of steps outside a nightclub when drunk, he also pissed on me once when we were walking home from a night out.
Not long after that he started knocking me about, pushing, hitting and strangling me. The worst was always when he had a drink. He was NEVER remorseful.
I stayed for 5 years.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:08:44

Oh god... Snooky that's horrible.
thanks thanks thanks

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 27-Feb-14 18:25:09

sad

SnookyPooky Thu 27-Feb-14 18:41:02

Indeed, he was a twat but I was so blinded by him, he was gorgeous, generous and when it was good it was excellent. Oddly, it was quite a small, non DV/alcohol related incident that made me leave, just the straw that broke the camels back.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 27-Feb-14 18:56:25

I believe it is often the small things that break the stalemate

Aww Snooky that's awful glad you're out though.

livingatheendofthewall Fri 28-Feb-14 04:44:37

Has he washed the pissy clothes yet???

SnookyPooky Fri 28-Feb-14 05:10:53

Been out since 1996, I look back at that time and can't comprehend that it was really me. I feel sorry for whoever he is with now, can't imagine he has changed.

Yes I feel sorry for them too. My dad was very controlling but mam stayed until he died.

feelingnumb88 Fri 28-Feb-14 12:26:13

Sorry to hear you went through that Snooky, sounds awful and it is that situation I don't want to find myself in!

Sorry I haven't been back sooner. I came down with a D&V bug and have been really bad with it. Hardly able to keep my eyes open never mind get up out of bed. I am thankfully feeling better now, although not great sad

Well, the talk went with him apologising constantly. I asked him what he plans on doing to make sure it doesn't happen again, he said he will obviously not be drinking again and he will see the doctor. I told him I am at least postponing the wedding which he accepted. I also said that I don't want this "friend" in my home any more because whilst my partner was fast asleep, this "friend" hit on me whilst comforting me. I had to tell him, because he is meant to be my partners best man hmm. Frankly he is just a sleazeball, and I don't want him near me after he tried to take advantage of me whilst vulnerable and upset. My partner said that he understood, and I won't be facing this friend again.

I have told my Mother the truth, and he is going to be telling his Mother. I am not going to lie to people about why the wedding is postponed, it is down to him to own his actions and take responsibility.

After all that, I am still not sure how I feel. He has been great whilst I have been ill and stayed home. But so he should anyway. I have made him fully aware that even after all this, there will be no quick fixes. Just because he says he won't drink, and is doing everything and trying to arrange a babysitter so he can take me out once I am better, does not equal the whole thing being fixed and forgotten. For now, I am just waiting to see how I feel.

He did do the washing, yes. And has continued to do so. He won't be getting a pat on the back for it though!

I hope I have made sense. Still feeling pretty shit and my head is spinning. Don't know whether I am coming or going right now!

HoratiaDrelincourt Fri 28-Feb-14 12:41:41

He has started well - owning his mistake and making amends is the minimum you should expect.

Being open with both sides of the family is hugely important too. Well done.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 28-Feb-14 18:36:30

Hi Feeling numb....bit awkward this but...do you think he has been increasing his drinking with the stress of the upcoming wedding? If he's always been lovely and now this, something has caused it surely?

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 03-Mar-14 16:11:58

Glad he took responsibility OP - let us know how you get on thanks

rainbowsmiles Mon 03-Mar-14 16:17:50

Thanks for updating Feelingnumb. It sounds as though he is taking responsibility. Glad he washed the clothes. You seem to have handled things very well and drawn your line quite clearly and firmly.

I'm glad he's stopping the drinking.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 16:21:03

Thanks for the update, really think the not drinking will make a huge difference, he has to do that as a minimum, only time will tell.

mathanxiety Tue 04-Mar-14 02:15:57

I do not want to throw a wet blanket over it all, but a promise to stop drinking altogether can sometimes be hard to keep, and then the rest slides too.

You need to consider what you will accept from him as far as responsible behaviour goes, and what you will do if he starts sliding. How much reminding are you prepared to do about seeing a doctor? How much checking up are you going to end up doing wrt where he is or who he is with? How will you feel if he stays out late one night and isn't in touch?

You need to reserve the option of changing your mind about trying to move on. If you can't get past being hit you are not obliged to stay for any reason. It's not failure to decide things have changed too much.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 11:07:47

There's a lot of sense in that math - getting in to a 'alcohol = violence' mindset if he's 'not allowed' to drink can be a bit dodgy sometimes.

It can send a message that he can say he was drunk afterwards, or possibly mean you end up being frightened of alcohol (when/if he drinks) when really it's the violence that's illegal/abusive. He should be able to drink (if he chooses to) without any risk of violence.

mathanxiety Tue 04-Mar-14 15:01:42

Yes, that is what I picked up too -- when he says no more drinking he is saying it was the drink that made him do it. I think he needs to get to the bottom of the violence. That came from somewhere -- drink the occasion but not the cause.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 15:09:30

high five

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