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Boyfriend of less than a year on dating websites!

(61 Posts)
faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:31

Hi. I'm new here, my friends directed me to you ladies.

I've just found out that my boyfriend is on several dating sites, only one is certainly active, he was last online yesterday sad.

Why is this? Just to look but not touch? For sex talk?? Can you love someone and want to have a future with them when you're talking to other people on the internet, maybe even meeting them? My friends have told me he can't possibly love me or respect me at all but our relationship is fine!

I don't know what steps to take now. I haven't mentioned any of this to him.

jadorecakesnbiscuits Wed 19-Feb-14 20:16:11

Im really sorry to read this and cant imagine why people behave this way, im not trying to justify it but does he use this frequently or is it the sort of thing he does after an argument or when under stress because he fears commitment? selfish man.

Capitola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:16:40

Well no, of course he doesn't love or respect you.

View it as a lucky escape and move on.

kimlo Wed 19-Feb-14 20:17:23

how did you find out?

sounds like hes keeping his options open sorry

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 20:31:45

Your relationship is not fine. Sorry to be blunt, but it isn't.
You just didn't know til now that it wasn't.

Who cares if it's looking not touching?
Or sex talk?

Neither of those is acceptable to a woman who values herself.

Don't feel into the trap of thinking that the internet isn't real!

Have YOU been looking on dating sites? No - because your boundary for a relationship says that that's not acceptable. You know your boundaries - so don't compromise them now.

He's shown that he's not committed to you - tell him to do one.

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:37:56

He does seem committed. We're talking about moving in together. I've met his children and his family.

I'm really confused by his behaviour.

Dump. Next!

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:39:48

I snooped online after I caught a glimpse of something plenty of fish related over his shoulder when he was on his phone.

NaffOrf Wed 19-Feb-14 20:39:49

There is nothing confusing about his behaviour. He doesn't love or respect you, and if you love and respect yourself you will dump him immediately. It really is that simple.

Please don't undervalue yourself. You don't need 'a man at any cost'.

BeCool Wed 19-Feb-14 20:41:49

This wisdom is often quoted on MN and I'll pass it onto you now:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:43:27

so this isn't something men do then?

InPursuitOfOblivion Wed 19-Feb-14 20:44:57

My dick head of an ex did this. Had all the excuses; forgot I was on there, just looking for a friend etc. All bullshit. He's hedging his bets is what he's doing. He's thinking 'You'll do for now, but there may be something better round the corner'.

Get rid and find someone new.

rach2713 Wed 19-Feb-14 20:45:13

Not men in a relationship with someone no it's not

If you think your relationship is fine then you need to raise your standards. This is not fine

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 20:48:04

Not men in a committed relationship, no. Why would they?

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 20:49:26

Your friends are right, he does not love or respect you.

Men like this never change, cut him loose now and he can spend all the time he wants on pof.

KingR0llo Wed 19-Feb-14 20:51:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 20:52:09

But it's not fine unless you both explicitly agreed to polygamous dating
Did you agree to be non-exclusive?hes still dipping it aboot
So you either put up with him being player or you split up

jennifleurs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:55:29

Agree with others I'm afraid. 2 exes of mine did this. First one was LOs dad and did it when LO was 5 months old. A few people (and mutual friends) told me I was over reacting and jist talking isn't cheating.

But of course, it is. I knew it wasn't right.

Trust your instincts and if something feels wrong (which it obvs does as that's why you've posted) you'll know.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Wed 19-Feb-14 20:55:54

Presumably it's not something you would do, right? You wouldn't dream of it. Neither would a man if he was as committed as this one says he is.

Don't write it off as things that blokes do, it's horribly sexist.

In your position I would confront him, then end the relationship.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 20:57:45

Only confront if you can handle the fallout and inevitable excuses
Otherwise end it.he'll move on, he already has

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 21:01:05

I'm sorry, I must sound incredibly naive, he is such a nice man and I'm a bit shocked that he'd do this to me, we were friends before we were together!

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 21:04:23

There's no reason to think he can't be nice in lots of ways. He's just not good enough in this aspect.

Capitola Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:24

Really? No. This isn't something men do.

You need to hold on to your dignity and drastically raise your standards.

kimlo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:25

hes not a nice man!

hes lying to you, and hes lying to the women hes talking too. Nice men don't do that.

KingR0llo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:08:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Wed 19-Feb-14 21:09:11

He is keeping his options open. Unless you want an open relationship albeit one sided, get rid.

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 21:17:16

sad

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 21:17:50

he is such a nice man and I'm a bit shocked that he'd do this to me

He is not a nice man. A nice man wouldn't cheat on you.

He thinks that what he is doing is ok, as long as you don't know about it. That tells you a lot about how he views you.

bluebell234 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:19:51

he knows you are naïve.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 21:27:53

He's a player, at least you've found out before you moved in or had kids
Of course he will try talk you round,he'll probably be v plausible
Only maintain this if you're happy to date a player

Sweetheart, if you need confirmation of his twatbadger credentials, tell him you've just had a friend on the phone and she's found out her boyfriend's on dating websites. What a bastard, eh? (etc...) See how he reacts...

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 22:07:01

I think I'll sleep on it and see what happens when I see him next.

Thanks for the advice x

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 22:25:05

Look this doesn't require confrontation or convoluted stories to flush him out
You need to think can I live like this?and given you'll see him again I think you'll patch it up
You already know he's active on dating sites,despite this you'll still see him again.oh dear...

Poppy67 Wed 19-Feb-14 22:34:08

Your relationship is doomed. Walk away now.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 22:38:19

Judging by your ambivalent posts,and you'll see him again I guess you don't want to split up
You'll then have to live with the what-ifs and niggling doubts.if he's online is he looking again
Late home/unavailable is he out on date.thats your relationship niggles based on his behaviour

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 22:59:44

I don't want to split, I know I might have too though.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:04:37

I'm pretty sure he will be able to talk you round.

Let's see if we can predict what he will say.

He doesn't use it anymore
He was just looking 'out of curiosity'
He went on to delete the account and got sidetracked
He was looking 'for a mate'
That was the one and only time he was on it
He will never go on it again
He is not interested in other women
He has not contacted anyone
He has not met up with anyone
He would never cheat on you
You should trust him
You are being jealous over nothing
It's all in your head

How's that for starters?

AskBasil Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:04

You're just one of a range of options for this bloke.

If you don't mind being one of his options, that's no problem. I wouldn't make him one of your priorities though.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:38

Of course it's hard you've fallen in love,made plans.this is a crushing disappointment
But it is who he us.and you've got to make decision can you live like this
Look at least no kids,don't cohabit,it's not as bad as it could be

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 23:07:11

You're dating a total player, but you don't want to split.

Yeah, okay then, consider it an open relationship. He does.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:07:56

Oh, wait, are you dating Spencer Matthews?

sebsmummy1 Wed 19-Feb-14 23:12:36

If you want confirmation of his intentions why not get one if your friends to set up a profile and get chatting to him online. I'm sure you will find out soon enough just how much if a nice bloke he really is.

ThinkFirst Wed 19-Feb-14 23:38:45

Something men do? Not decent men in commited relationships who live and respect their partner.

It's a dating site, people sign up looking for relationships or sex. They don't go looking for friends and they don't go on there to chat about the weather.

Actions speak louder than words and his actions are showing you he has no respect for you and he's either looking to cheat or looking for your replacement.

ThinkFirst Wed 19-Feb-14 23:39:19

Um love not live lol

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:46:36

Or set up a fake profile yourself?

KatieZA23 Thu 20-Feb-14 00:46:56

If his profiles were old, I would say that maybe it's all in the past and he simply didn't take them down. The fact he was online recently is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry to say it, but you need to leave this relationship right now.

MistressDeeCee Thu 20-Feb-14 01:28:32

OP - this won't go away as you've seen the evidence for yourself. You'll be thinking all sorts soon enough, including 'is he sleeping around'. Just get rid of him - there are plenty of decent men out there with respect for women, you'll find one who doesn't need a harem of women around to feed his ego whilst he fills their heads with lies. He isnt trustworthy. Tell yourself you're worth more than this, save yourself the heartache and say bye bye

beaglesaresweet Thu 20-Feb-14 01:42:04

I just don't get it - he introduced OP to his kids and family and yet he's risking it all, for what? I'm not surprised OP is confused, it doesn't make sense! I this was a long and stale marriage, there could be a chance that he was just flirting with no intention to meet, but he's discussing living together - which should be an exciting time for a couple.
Think, Op, could he be using you for anything? as he obviously is planning a life with you, but you have to ask honestly for what reason (money, or you being a reliable caring partner who looks after him but no real spark there?)

MistressDeeCee Thu 20-Feb-14 04:54:38

Some men have a 'main woman' don't they, thats the one who will be seen by their side, and who theyll present to their family. The others are just 'casuals'. In that way he'll be seen by all to be doing the right thing but secretly, he is not. Flirting and possibly meeting up with other women means he is getting their hopes up, and also not putting across to you who he really is, OP - he is doing a disservice to both you and them. Incidentally, I wonder if he'd have liked it if he'd found out you were on a dating site flirting with other men and possibly arranging meet-ups? I have a mind he wouldnt have. He could be a very 'entitled' man

If this was something you were both into Id say fine - but I doubt it is or you'd have discussed it and there'd be no shock on your part either. You've asked why he is doing this; does the 'why' really matter? You're his GF you sound to be in a serious relationship and he's been hiding the fact he has links with other women from you. Only you know best as to whether you should or could leave him; bottom line is though, if you don't like him being on dating sites and the potential for link-ups with other women then its going to bring disharmony into your relationship if/when you confront him about it. & even if you don't confront him it will be playing on your mind which isnt nice for you at all. Ask yourself honestly if its worth it....

faeriesandflowers Thu 20-Feb-14 08:13:02

His ex wife could have been his main woman but he left her. I think he's a really confused person, his mum seemed to think so when I last saw her.

I'm never going to be happy being in a relationship like this, I don't want to share him but I don't want to leave him either hmm he's my first serious relationship.

How old are you?.

Re this comment:-
"I'm never going to be happy being in a relationship like this, I don't want to share him but I don't want to leave him either hmm he's my first serious relationship".

You need to think about why you do not want to leave him; is this because you think you have somehow "failed"?. You have people pleaser, rescuer and or saviour tendencies?. Your first serious relationship is nothing short of a disaster area.

Which also brings me back to you. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

kentishgirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:23:36

Hi OP. What a horrible thing to find out.

Even if in his mind this is 'just for fun/I am committed to you' I see this as no different to his going out on his own and chatting up other women. Even if it went no further and was just an ego boost for him, it's being disloyal and sneaky, and behaving inappropriately for someone in a relationship. On-line behaviour is just as important as real life behaviour.

He's 'confused'. Ok, he can be a nice guy and confused about what he wants. but that makes him a grotty boyfriend. He should work out his issues before dragging someone else (you) into them.

If this is your first serious relationship then of course it's hard to deal with something like this for the first time. But it's all a learning process; few of us are with our first boyfriend. You want to learn the right lessons; how to know that you deserve to be treated right, how to get out of a relationship when you are not being treated right. Don't learn the wrong lessons: how to delude yourself into staying in a relationship that will make you miserable.

FolkGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:25:31

OP

I kicked my husband out for this. I discovered more stuff afterwards, but I kicked him out for this, and this alone.

I wouldn't even entertain continuning a relationship with someone who did this.

kentishgirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:26:16

Oh - and I found out I was dating a player after 9 months. Well, he called it being a polyamorist. Which is fine to be, if he'd told me before 9 months, so I had a free choice whether to get involved with him or not.

Dumped him. Had him crying over losing me and saying 'none of my relationships ever work out' boo hoo boo hoo poor old me routine. And I stood there with a raised eyebrow thinking 'no shit, Sherlock' and saw him as totally pathetic. Wasn't a hard break up at all, for me.

Jan45 Thu 20-Feb-14 12:31:44

Not excusing him in the slightest but this is more common than folk give it credit for, difference is you've caught him.

You now know he is not serious about your or committed, he's keeping his options open so there you have it, you certainly aint the love of his life.

If you want to continue with him then fine, that's your call but honestly, you'd be better looking for someone who can actually focus on you and you only, not have one eye looking elsewhere, ok, it's a year, it's not a lifetime, you will get over it easily enough.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 20-Feb-14 12:35:08

I agree with everyone else. This guy is a creep and you should dump him asap.

As someone who is single and internet dates, there are an alarming number of men on line who are in relationships but looking for a bit on the side or just some flirting and chat.

However even if it's just some flirting and chat, don't fall into the trap of justifying his behaviour as 'harmless'. He's a creep, and leading single women who are genuinely looking for love a merry dance into the bargain.

If he's doing this a year in, he will always be doing this, or worse. Cut your losses.

wispa45 Thu 20-Feb-14 13:35:56

Hi, I've just joined Mumsnet to reply to you.
The very same thing happened to me … when I was driving and found my ex checking out a match.com profile as he was sitting beside me in the car. I don't know what was worse, the fact he had a profile in the first place or had the blatant disrespect to check it in front of me. I went on to discover 3 other profiles on other sites, all active. He was my first serious relationship (so I thought) since my divorce.
Much and all as I thought I loved him, I loved me more. The break up hurt me a lot at the time, but loosing someone who treats you without respect or appreciation is actually a gain. Not a loss.
Wishing you the strength to do the right thing for you.

nauticant Thu 20-Feb-14 14:20:11

He's doing this because he'd like you to keep house for him and look after his kids while he goes out and fucks other women.

alphabook Thu 20-Feb-14 20:01:48

He is not committed to you. He still wants to know if there is something "better" out there.

Dump him. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you.

ThinkFirst Thu 20-Feb-14 20:15:09

He's confused? that's funny! Of course his mum is going to defend him.
You already are sharing him, with the other women he's contacting on dating sites.

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