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Need hand holding had a terrible shock

(71 Posts)
YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:06:16

Can barely type for shaking.
Husband and I have joint mobile phone package , I've had horrible angsty feeling something has been going on but nothing solid , husband and I get on amazingly and supposedly love each other we have kids and are normally a real team.
I looked on itemised bills and saw a number he had been texting a lot, got a horrible feeling and phoned it . A woman answered , he admitted he met her about December and they have been texting since then. That is all he says and she confirms only texts hmm

He cheated on me 4 years ago with a girl he had been texting, I found out and we managed to reconcile and we seemed stronger than ever and have since had 2 little girls.
I'm just broken :-(

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:10:17

How horrible for you.

You have him a chance in the past.
If you give him another....then this will become your life.

AllThatGlistens Wed 19-Feb-14 09:11:11

Oh OP I'm so very sorry that you've had such an awful shock sad

Have you got anyone in RL to support you as well? I hope you have some breathing space away from him at the moment to try and process your thoughts.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:14:28

He's taken the kids to school I have the baby, can barely function I'm shaking so much

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:16:11

Did he confess when you confronted him or did you text her?

You need some space from him. Is he out today?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:16:20

Exactly only1scoop I really thought we had matured and changed, it seems me and the kids aren't enough.
OW was shocked to hear he was married and is disgusted she said it was just texting and they never met as he wouldn't meet her and she suspected he was married because of that.

Offred Wed 19-Feb-14 09:16:29

sad but agree, he's had a chance, don't give him another.

Can you go down to CAB and ask for advice about splitting?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:16:53

Sorry you've had such a shock. It must feel like history repeating itself, I'm sure you don't believe the 'text only' story, and you must feel that you've been duped after taking him back last time.

Do you have any friends or family that you could be with? Have you asked him to leave for a while?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:17:54

He was nightshift I told him he better get home as I needed to talk to him, he denied denied till I asked him if he was thick as I have itemised phonebills , he then said he met her on works night out and took her number.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:18:02

So if they have never actually met....is this originating from an Internet thing?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:18:53

My mum has breast cancer and very ill I can't worry her, my one true friend is at work but she is texting me.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:19:31

Sorry I see.... they haven't met since....but met originally at a party.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:19:46

They met on night out at Christmas and texted thereafter, he and she swear nothing physical, I'm upset he thinks I'm such a fool.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Feb-14 09:21:18

So he's been chasing another woman - after already having an affair four years back?

Then he lies and lies.

Sorry op. you must be gutted. have you got friends or family you could call?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:21:39

Even if it's not got physical with this one, he's still chasing women despite having been caught out before. It's a case of 'fool me once, shame on me... fool me twice, shame on you' really. I'm sorry about your mum being ill.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:23:28

To be honest OP whether anything had actually 'happened' or not....

It's a huge trust issue ....he lies.

Sorry to hear your mum is not well....none of you need this stress I'm sure.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:24:35

Life has been so hard recently , we both work full time around each other, my mum is very ill after chemo , no help with kids from anyone , we moved into a new house and been doing it up.
I was going to the doctors on Thursday as I have long standing anxiety/ depression and was starting to feel bad again, now I know why, our radar is rarely wrong .

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:26:33

Exactly everyone ' the lies' I really thought that was all over, we are as close as any couple can be , honestly, he's lovely to me ( to my face) is a real hands on dad, we have sex lots , we laugh , we share interests. But all this is never enough obviously, what do I do?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:27:33

No friends good enough to tell them this, only 1 .

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 09:29:00

Look, the bottom line is here - he lies and he cheats.

Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.

You know what he is now - after children, committments, family - he's a cheat.

It is AWFUL and I am so sorry for you - but if you forgive or try and 'work through' this - you will be back here again and again. This will be your life.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 09:29:04

You are right Op....our gut instinct rarely lets us down.

Sounds like you are going through a rough time....when you need support from each other....not this awful behaviour.

If he already denied it....at first....then his cowardly pathetic lies and excuses are not what you need to hear. Can you get some space from him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:29:59

I always think it's best to ask/tell the unfaithful partner to step out and give you some space to think. It's not easy, especially when you're trying to juggle jobs and kids etc, but you can't think clearly when they are in your face and you've got that 'normal but not really normal any more' thing going on. You're already suffering from anxiety and depression.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Feb-14 09:31:16

Whatever you did last time didn't work sad

What a twat he is, I'm sorry op. does he 'get' what he has done?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 09:31:25

'But all this is never enough obviously, what do I do?'

You can't do anything.

It's not about 'having enough'. It's not about 'loving you' - he would probably say that he does, with all his heart, blah blah.

It's about him being a cheat.

You may as well keep a pet lion and try and feed it cucumber. 'But it's never enough! What am I doing wrong? I give as much cucumber as possible, it has a comfortable bed and lots of toys, and yet it still tried to steal meat! What can I do?!'

Nothing.

Monetbyhimself Wed 19-Feb-14 09:32:35

I am so sorry OP. Will the baby go down for a nap soon to give you a little bit of time to breath? Have something to eat and drink because the shock can just knock you ( I realise that all sounds very trite but I remember those first hours if confirmation so well )

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:33:39

He's back looking very sad I will update once we have spoken, I'm not sure there's anything he can say, I'm worried there is more to find out.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 09:36:14

You may as well keep a pet lion and try and feed it cucumber. 'But it's never enough! What am I doing wrong? I give as much cucumber as possible, it has a comfortable bed and lots of toys, and yet it still tried to steal meat! What can I do?!'

Nothing

Weirdly, that makes a lot of sense.

This is who he is.

He's a man who takes women's numbers on work nights out.

He's a man who doesn't throw the number away, but uses to form a relationship with that woman.

He's a man who tells barefaced lies when confronted.

He's a man who's done this before (probably more times than you know about.)

He's a man who will do it again.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 09:37:04

I don't know what more you need really that will change the essential point of the matter, which is that you now know that he is an unfaithful partner, full stop. There is nothing he can say to change that - only to try and get you to accept it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:38:05

Looking sad at getting caught... hmm

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 09:39:45

Well done for having your radar in good condition and acting on it. What a shit.
I'm sorry sad
Tbh, even if it hadn't yet progressed beyond texts, it's enough - sadly - to show you that his first affair wasn't a one off, this is who he is. But I suspect it for go further. The OW can't be shocked that he's married and at the same time say she thought he was married as he would meet. Those two things don't fit.
I don't condone ever cheating on your partner, but this is not even a case where an intimacy has built up. One just one night out, he's decided it's fine to act single and swap numbers. Arsehole.

I suspect that you'll find your depression a lot easier to manage when you've got through the hardest part of initially separating. Even though you've been happy with him recently, I wouldn't be surprised if there was still a stress from constantly needing to reassure yourself that you are happy, if you see what I mean?
He broke your marriage before - there's always going to be a stress in it, some people stay together successfully, but I don't ever think it can be the same.

Good luck x

feelingvunerable Wed 19-Feb-14 09:50:11

Good post Bruno.

I once heard this analogy.
Imagine you have a beautiful red dress. The dress is perfect , you adore it, but sadly it doesn't fit you and never will. You know this but keep trying to make the dress fit because you want it so much, it never ever will be a comfortable fit.
There are lots of other beautiful dresses, but because you are fixated on the red one you never get the joy of having one that actually fits and suits you.

You h is a shit and you have done nothing wrong.

What type of a married man asks another woman for her phone number?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 10:34:14

Well allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted . Doesn't change the fact he's a liar though.
Not sure what I can do I'm pretty trapped massive mortgage I can't afford on my own, need us both here for kids as it's heavy going with school nursery runs, I'm fucked.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 10:36:30

You're not fucked.

Houses can be sold.

Childcare can be arranged.

Honestly, you are not stuck with this prick.

allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted .

hmm

Yeah, I remember when I was single I used to often give my number to men I met on nights out and then we would send each other texts for no reason at all.

Quitelikely Wed 19-Feb-14 10:44:38

My heart goes out to you it really does. Why don't you take some time out to get your head together. Leave just for one night. Stay with the 1 good friend. It's such a shame that he needs to do this espe I ally after you have given him another chance and you do describe a pretty sound relationship so I guess sometimes you just can't do enough for certain people.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 10:55:33

I can't leave I have a baby and a toddler and a school child, my 9 year old was crying as he overheard me and I had to lie and say everything was ok.

LilyBlossom14 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:58:17

but you can't stay with him either. I think you need to get checked for stis too

PopiusTartius Wed 19-Feb-14 10:59:41

Then ask him to leave for a few days.
All the practical things CAN be sorted.
Give yourself a few days space to think about what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 11:20:10

Op can you ask him to leave for a while....he can still do school runs etc....I just think with everything going on you need some space.

His behaviour is awful, please don't just let it tick along for the sake of your children. It will have awful effects on your emotional wellbeing. You already sound low with all that's going on. Could you ask him to leave?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:35:50

Yeah will ask again, I just don't feel strong enough to cope with kids on my own. His family are all over an hours drive away and we have 3 school runs a day.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:37:32

He's shown me messages it's all pretty boring, she wanted to meet him , he made his excuses. It's all broken though, all the hard work we did to try get strong again, we got married we had 2 more kids but here we are again.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:38:39

I thought the messages were deleted?

How has it come about that he's showing them to you?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:39:42

He said they were but told him I wanted to know everything and the more he withheld just now that was drip fed to me the worse it gets, just awful.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:41:18

He says he loves me but something is wrong with him and texting this person gave him a distraction from our lives. Actually feel like in having a heart attack feel like I can physically cope with this.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:42:48

Oh right, so he was telling more lies.

I guess it comes easy to him.

He's right about one thing, there is something pretty big wrong with him.

But that's not really for you to worry about.

He probably wants you to pity him for his uncontrollable need to be unfaithful to you and tell you lies.

LilyBlossom14 Wed 19-Feb-14 11:56:00

I think he will minimise what has gone on, I would think a lot more than text messages has happened. And there is no excuse for pursuing someone else - I don't care what is wrong with him. So sorry.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:00

The lies again though Op. The text messages are gone ....back again.... I'm sure he probably has selected which ones to delete. All immaterial though really.

He is a liar.

Don't let him play on your vulnerability with his pity card either

I know it would be difficult logistically for a time. Even if he goes for a few days to give you some space....have you got a friend who could help you out?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:07

I'm going to throw myself In shower Nd try get some dignity back

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 12:10:43

Ive just been through similar and i am 7 months down the line.
I can say to you that you will manage even though you cant see it now. I work, have young children and Ive managed to keep my house by applying for tax credits and seeking money from my ex.
I saw a lawyer who was helpful. Most lawyers will give u your first appt free.
I would also go and get checked for stis, just to put your mind at rest.
Im sorry you are going through this but its an old cliche...time is a great healer....get the ball rolling now. I actually have a better r/ship with my ex now and he is great with kids. Ive even started dating.
There is life after a cheating lying ex. Hugs.

maras2 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:15:03

Try to eat too . Toast , soup or just tea and a biscuit. Can't think of appropriate platitudes without sounding condescending but will virtually hand hold . Mx

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:29:44

Ok so now you know you are married to a serial cheater and liar, I'm so sorry this man has hurt you in this way, he sounds an absolute knob of a man.

He has form, he never learned from it. From my experience of my single friends the guys they are texting all the time is for a sexual thrill, nobody is that desperate for a `pal` that they start texting the opposite sex to talk about the weather. There's also the possibility that something happened between them in Dec, neither he or she will admit to that, regardless of you calling her up.

If in your eyes everything was good with the relationship including family life then his behaviour is even more inexcusable, not that chasing other women ever is.

He has to go and give you head space now, there must be a couch he can doss on, let him take the kids off your hands so you can go spend time with your friends and see what you want to do.

I honestly don't think this guy can change.

scornedwoman67 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:31:36

I am so sorry. I'm sure you will read lots of other threads on here & will know that there is a 'script' that they invariably follow - they minimise what they have done & then you will gradually get drip-fed info as you find out more and more. I was there myself. If I had been armed with the information I have since gleaned from MN I would have handled my own situation completely differently & asked him to leave at the very beginning. I gave him so much leeway and he walked all over me. It doesn't work and unfortunately you know now that he is prepared to keep lying. You must take as much care of yourself as you can. Ask him to leave for a while so you can get your head straight. You will cope - I thought I couldn't either, but you will and you do. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad - I very nearly did. He messed with my head so much and told so many lies it made me ill. You can't control his behaviour but you don't have to accept it or allow it to continue.

Please keep posting on here - the people on here will help you through.

x

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:10:51

He's saying he won't leave, I really have no where else to go, I've told him we can stay in same house today but I'm checked out emotionally and gone to him. We are done and I'm not going to kid on its all right as it's far from it, don't touch me don't speak to me about anything other than the kids.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 13:26:05

He can look sad all he wants, you're the one who's hurting.

So sorry OP.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:29:01

Me too I'm devastated

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 13:32:35

Once a cheater . . .

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:33:00

Told his sister just to get it out there and make sure I don't try sweep it under the carpet

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 13:39:50

Telling someone else means you don't feel you are carrying this on your own. Did you ever let on to anybody after the last time?

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:46:55

Tell as many folk as you want, it will make it real.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:50:56

No Donkey I never told anyone I spent years feeling so alone with it all and couldn't even rant to anyone.

scornedwoman67 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:57:18

I would also tell his sister that you want him to leave and that he is refusing to go. He is probably hoping it will all die down and he can crawl back under his stone. I'd tell him that if he doesn't go willingly immediately you will just start telling people you are separated and that he won't move out. See if you can find a solicitor who can give you half an hours free advice.

There will be other people on here who will be able to tell you what they did in the same situation. Have a look at the 'Wikivorce' website which gives you good, practical advice.

Start copying all your essential documents - bank statements etc. Hide your & your DC's passports and open a separate bank account. Make sure he cannot withdraw large amounts of cash. Just in case.

You are doing well. Be strong flowers

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:49:44

We have separate accounts so don't worry, I earn my own money. I do actually feel sorry for him what's that all about?

captainmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 14:50:19

Op you are so strong! Many many women don't tell anyone, they are'ashamed'( of what their oh have done! Ridiculous ) well done you. With a bit of luck HE will now start to Feel ashamed! So he should.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:52:10

I do feel so ashamed I'm so worried to tell anyone as I can't take it back, I just want it all to go away.
I told him he is complete scum and he's free to go and stick his dick in a different woman every night as far as I'm concerned .

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 14:52:23

I do actually feel sorry for him what's that all about?

He's playing you like a violin?

You are used to accepting that his feelings are more important than his own?

There is really no reason to feel sorry for him because he's feeling all hard done by that he got caught cheating on you again.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:57:54

I told him to save his pity party and he's only sorry he got caught. I can't believe this is my life .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 14:59:42

Telling a third party is a big step. It is complicated, you worry if things get sorted, others will remember and harp on, long after it's been resolved. There's embarrassment and shame and sometimes an underlying fear, what if it was something you didn't provide that made him go looking. When all the time it is just as likely to be a large dollop of self-indulgence - "I have all this but want more/fancy some fun/whatever justifies it in my head". But somehow it seems a good thing to keep it under wraps. Unless it happens again and you find out, in which case you realise he didn't take your upset or even wrath seriously back then.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 15:04:29

Exactly Donkeys I love him but I'm not letting someone make a fool out of me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 15:12:39

Last time you gave him a chance and it seemed to be a bump in the road but you got through it, you had your DDs and life seemed good. Now he's messed up again. I don't think with a sick mum and three DCs you have the energy to combat this will-he-won't-he-trample-over-your-life edginess for the foreseeable future.

Loveyouthree Wed 19-Feb-14 15:15:50

sad

Feel for you OP. It hurts because when someone cheats its not like when the relationship has broken down over time... You still have the same feelings for them yet somehow have to deal with what they've done.

You certainly could cope on your own... Its just being able to see that that's the problem. I know its not the same but my partner works awat a lot and during those times I've found I CAN cope on my own, very well in fact (also have a school aged child, a toddler and a baby).

Is nursery "essential"? Could you just do the school runs for a little while (maybe explain to nursery).

I've used many shortcuts to get me through, like skipping baths, or making sandwiches for tea.

Leaving him will seem almost impossible right now, I do get that. But what is your alternative? Picture it now in your head. Is it a happy life?

I know you don't want this.. You want to wake up tomorrow and its all gone. But its him that has caused this.

He's bored of the monotony of family life? I was the other week, so I went for a meal with a friend, and had a pedicure.. I didn't cheat on my partner.

Wishing you well x

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 15:24:05

You've got it in one Donkeys

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 17:05:26

Yes like Donkey says, you've got enough on your plate without wiping away his I've been caught tears, he sounds a complete waste of a man. You don't have to tell everyone but tell your close friends, they will give you support, same with your family, don't feel sorry for him, that's what he wants you to do, he's definitely not more important than you, he's just proved to you yet again what a massive let down he is.

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