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husband walked out on us unexpectantly

(50 Posts)
mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 21:57:30

I'm in a nightmare, my DH just came home from work 3 weeks ago and announced out of the blue that he loves me but is "not in love with me" and that he has been living a lie recently. He apparantly is on a treadmill and on the road to destruction. Heres me thinking everythings fine?? he has carried on family life as usual inc sex. He just keeps saying the "connection has gone" and can't help how he feels. He just packed a bag and moved out & is staying at his brothers.

He also carried out a character assasignation on me saying that he was fed up with "carrying me" and that I don't help with the finances. I had to give work up when it became to stressful managing the boys & work.

We have had a bit of a tough time in recent years, our DS1 has ASD but presents mild. DS2 has just been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. DH has not dealt with this very well, he didn't even want to tell his family.

DH is in partnership in a business which is growing, I don't like his business partner - he is v arrogant and looks down on me. This has not helped matters, but other people have also told me they do not like him and I think he has has an influence over my DH.

In hindsight I can see that DH had become a bit distant but put it down to work pressures. I feel totally heartbroken, my Mum & Dad treated him like a son, and we went on holidays together, they are devastated.

I just sit here at this time of night just crying and missing him so much, its like he is a stranger. I feel he has robbed me of my future, as even days leading up to his departure he was talking about viewing a house in a nearby village??? I just can't make it out at all, and whats worse is that he says he feels "relief" and I feel like I've been hit by a train. Does it ever get better?

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 22:03:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tessa6 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:06:11

I am so sorry, OP. Your husband has been having an affair or some kind. Please be kind to yourself and understand this is not your fault. You need to disconnect from him and find some independence so that you can regain confidence and not be gaslit by him about what he's done and who he is.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 17-Feb-14 22:08:45

Yes it does get better. Not tomorrow or the next day, but at some point you will suddenly realise you are in control and feel happy.

My XH left very suddenly my two were 3 and 1. My elder DS has ASD and was very challenging/ less so now I understand more 7 years on.

Like with you, things seamed very normal, he was a little down I thought, but hours before he left we made Christmas plans - instigated by him, it was August.

Crying is good, better not to bottle it all up. Are your parents able to support in their state of shock?

Have you started on route to practicalities like checking out benefits sites like entitled to and amending any tax credit type award?

Just be gentle with yourself. Its early days. Its a huge shock and like it takes time to fall in love it takes time to extricate yourself from being half a couple and find your feet as an individual.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you're able to deal with a little more.

This site is great for support on all aspects, got me through many a bad day/ night.

woodrunner Mon 17-Feb-14 22:09:34

Mama, so sorry he's treated you this way. You sound lovely, and it seems from what you say that he has had a lot of stress over the past couple of years and instead of dealing with it, blames you and is running away.

Can't advise proper;y as I've not been in your situation, but please do these three things:

1. ) Look after yourself extremely well. Eat healthily, surround yourself with people who love you and tell you how wonderful you are. Book some treats for yourself even if you feel numb about them now, try and get into the habit, even if right now you're just going through the motions, of treating yourself well, despite how he has made you feel.

2.) get financial advice asap and make sure you have access to funds for the next few months. Get immediate legal advice about money and make sure your DH knows his responsibilities towards you.

3.) Don't let him use this as a holiday from his parental responsibility. Make sure he cares for them for good lengths of time. If it suits them better, have him stay in the family home and you leave and stay with parents or friends, soon, for a weekend. Maybe this coming weekend. That may help him to see that you are not the problem, but more importantly it'll teach him that his children are still his and he must care for them.

Your own feelings will reel all over the place but try to stay civil and adult with him about his duties to his children: access and financial support. Get some intermediate plan sorted out with him for now, which includes him paying for them and seeing them for several hours and overnight at least once a week if possible.

there are lots of people on here who have probably already replied while I've been writing this, who can promise you life gets better than it ever was. I hope they reach you soon. Like I said, you sound really lovely.

mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 22:09:48

Thanks Kotinka, he obviously didn't think much of me did he, and I thought he did. It was hard getting work to fit around him with him being self employed he works long hours. He also blames me for not asking my parents to have the boys for weekends, so we could go away, but the way they are they fret. I can't beleive how nasty and selfish he has become.

teaandthorazine Mon 17-Feb-14 22:09:49

Sorry to hear this mamataurus.

Unfortunately he seems to be following the unfaithful husband script to the letter. It is very likely that he has been seeing someone else.

It's a very difficult and painful thing to take in. Keep talking here; you will get lots of support.

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:11:47

How awful . Sadly I agree that there is probably someone else .

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 22:18:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 22:18:38

Wow thanks for all your replies, I've got an appointment with citizens advice tomorrow, my parents are being a great support but it's hit them hard too, I guess we are just comforting each other, as it is a loss to them to. His family are all supportive to me too, his brother is not very happy he is staying in his house.

As for finances I'm lucky that at the moment he is covering bills and mortgage, but he is going to have to find a place to rent, and is putting pressure on me to sort out any benefits I'm entitled to. He swears theres no one else. He wants to feel like a teenager again and has rambled on about going to Las Vegas?? Is it a mid life crisis.

Boltonlass1972 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:20:58

Having a soon who had mild ASD and many friends who have similar diagnoses I know that the baggage that comes with a cold with additional needs puts a strain on ones relationship. Men often don't know how to make it work if it's a change from the 'norm' and people can clash over parenting styles. Own businesses also bring their Own troubles. It may not be an affair. Love becomes a choice. Having been married for 18 years I know there are times where love is a choice and the feeling of being in love can fade..and come back. Maybe time apart might be what he needs to realise what he's missing. For your sake I hope it works out x x

LilyBlossom14 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:22:21

no not mid life crisis - I agree, following the script of an unfaithful husband to the letter. Get your benefits sorted and get yourself a good solicitor is my advice - and have as little contact with him as humanly possible.

gamerchick Mon 17-Feb-14 22:23:17

no it's another woman.

It's like they follow the same script to the letter hmm

whenever the 'I love you but i'm not in love with you' line comes out.. I do a little shudder.

then the pulling you to bits to justify what they are doing to themselves.

Look after yourself OP.

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 22:26:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 22:27:21

DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 8, DH saw them at the weekend, but it was hard for me and unfortunately I broke down and begged him to go relate but he declined saying he just wanted to move forward. What I just can't get over was that leading up to him leaving everything seemed fine. The evening before we all sat down as a family eating a meal, when boys were in bed we watched telly laughing at Benidorm, then went to bed. Next morning he got up as normal kissed me goodbye, then comes home and drops the bombshell. Why would anyone do that? how can you hurt someone like that without any warning, any psychologists about??

kotinka Mon 17-Feb-14 22:29:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyBlossom14 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:30:54

so sorry op - it is horrid us saying there is an OW - but there normally is. And unwilling to go for counselling, more proof he has emotionally left you, he has prob been planning this for months. Shock to you, he has come to terms with this and is ready to move on.

He has done it because he is selfish and entitled. And he justifies it by saying he only stayed for the children, and by tearing you apart and pretending it is your fault (it isn't btw).

chateauferret Mon 17-Feb-14 22:32:11

Yep - that line means "I am a duplicitous twat and a selfish bastard; you are surplus to requirements now because I'm shagging someone else".

It will all go wrong for him when the ow realises that he will just as readily fuck her over too. He may then come crawling back. Be ready to slam the door in his face and leave him to drown in his own shite.

Bastard.

Absolutelylost Mon 17-Feb-14 22:33:20

This sounds a carbon copy of what happened in our house last summer. My DH didn't have an OW lined up but was definitely showing interest in other women generally. It may well be that your DH does have someone in the background, it's certainly happening to other women on this board currently. I was as floored as you obviously are and I had the most horrendous year but we are now tentatively reconciling.

Other people around me don't necessarily see it the same way I did but I believe my DH in effect had a complete stress breakdown and needed to completely get away.

He financially supported me and the family completely during this time, I controlled all the finances and gave him an allowance from his salary. He had a heart attack three weeks after he moved out, largely stress induced, and whilst he physically recovered, he needed more time to get his head around that.

With encouragement from MN, I stood firm against many aspects of his behaviour although I didn't feel like it at all. After 6 months, he asked about coming home. We've got a lot to sort out and but the balance of our relationship is much more healthy. I've grown a lot in the last few months.

Anyway, that's my experience. I wish you well OP. Take all the support you can and be kind to yourself.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 17-Feb-14 22:34:41

I'm afraid i believe theres another women too. Its the duplicity thing. Initially their double life lie is because its not serious then because its habit. Thats why it comes as such a shock.

I'm so glad you have your family and that you have good relations with your BIL.

Citizens advise will be a great start. Take notes or a friend who'll take them because there's so much to get your head around in the early days. Its easier to write it out as a list and work through one step at a time.

mamataurus Mon 17-Feb-14 22:36:07

Well if it is another woman at least I will have an answer, but he stongly denies it, just keeps saying that somewhere along the line he has lost that connection with me. I try to keep busy during the day, but it's in the night when it just keeps going round and round in my head. I think he has never come to terms with the boys' diagnosis, and I just wish I had tackled that earlier on, but I have trod on eggshells around him.

tessa6 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:21:58

He will strongly deny it. All cheaters deny or minimize hugely. Don't drive yourself mad asking him. Snoop and research quietly if you can and you want to know. You have to detach and accept that he is not going to give you the full picture of this. You have one or two pieces of a jigsaw, he is hiding the rest. You are not going mad.

kotinka Tue 18-Feb-14 00:24:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tessa6 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:26:59

Absolutely, good luck and I'm thinking about you. You sound really bright and strong and lovely.

SadFreak Tue 18-Feb-14 00:34:20

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Right now is probably the worse it will be. It will get better.

I am a 5 weeks on from a nasty bombshell that screwed up my marriage. I am still nowhere near my normal self but I am feeling slightly better than I did.

Try and keep your strength up. Eat healthily if you can and sleep when you can. I still cant sleep at night but do let myself cat nap/drop off on the sofa on an evening (something i would never have done before).

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 00:37:32

I also think there is probably someone he has his eye on at least.

CAB is a good move for you, make sure you make yourself as financially secure as you can and do speak to CSA about child support sooner rather than later as they can only deal with a claim from the date you contact them. Don't wait until he starts messing you around to contact them.

I really feel for you but agree crying is good. It is also good for him to leave, although it won't seem like it now. Your life will be much improved when you come through this pain for not having been lumbered with his dead weight.

This is not the end of your life as you know it but the start of something better and hopefully happier.

MsAspreyDiamonds Tue 18-Feb-14 03:15:14

Speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are regarding custody and maintenance. The first 30mins are free so you can see several different ones to get different opinions and help. Tell the solicitor everything including the leaving you, the character assination & the negative influence of his business partner as a tool to make you fearful of your future.

The next time he flies into a rage, call the police on 101 or 999 (if he is violent) & tell them that you are scared so they have it on record even if no charges are made. So if he fights you for custody, this police record will count against him. You don't know how the future will turn out but you can try for it to go in your favour by preparing and doing your homework.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk/

www.hmrc.gov.uk/individuals/index.shtml

Complete the hmrc benefits calculator to find out how much you are entitled to as a single parent

scottybeammeup Tue 18-Feb-14 06:25:06

I am 16 months on from a similar bombshell although mine came after discovering my h had built up huge gambling debts. I also had the character assassination along with rewriting our marriage which had apparently never been happy. You could have fooled me! Our children were 5 & 2 when he walked out to lead his single life.

I won't lie. The first 6 months were hellish. I got through them but no idea how. Friends supplied meals, helped with the children and listened while first I cried then gradually got angry. Once the anger set in I was able to use that to secure our finances legally. I came pretty close to a breakdown I think. But gradually something shifted. I started to plan for the future without him. I stsrted an OU course to retrain into a job that I can work around the childrens school hours. I went out and even managed a short fling with a man that boosted my confidence enormously.

It is incredibly hard but you will get through it. Just take everything slowly and accept that it will take time. You can't rewrite the future you thought you'd have overnight.

ChoccyDigestive82 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:41:48

I am so sorry, OP. Your husband has been having an affair or some kind

I think it's unfair that people seem to say this all of the time. You don't know this for a fact at the time of posting

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:45:13

Sadly, we do know. That is what is so awful about it.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 12:55:44

It does get better. I promise. Its not instant, but it does. My exh walked out unexpectedly in 2009 leaving me with two boys. It took months to come to terms with it, months of antidepressants and counselling, but it does get better. My breakthrough was probably 2012, with my life just falling back into a happy content place in 2013. Stay strong, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:48

and you don't know hes been having an affair. My ex-husband did not. of any kind. ever. He was just emotionally a twat and acted like a spoilt child. But walking out unexpectedly does not mean he had an affair all the time.

PassAFist Tue 18-Feb-14 12:57:02

I wouldn't necessarily assume there was someone else OP. I find myself often dreaming of just walking away from my family (I have a special needs child too), I work ridiculous hours, have a fairly shitty life. My one fantasy is to leave. There is nobody else, I have no interest in anyone else, I just want to be away from this life.

Maybe he is similar to me and needs a break. Which is not an excuse for what he has done!

My point is that I wouldn't assume there is an OW.

In your shoes I would definitely put myself first though, speak to people and protect yourself and your children. Try to put him out of your mind and concentrate on looking after yourself.

My very best wishes to you OP.

MissScatterbrain Tue 18-Feb-14 15:27:56

Do a search on here for the cheater's script and sadly you will see he is following this sad

Has he been possessive with his phone/laptop? mentioned a female colleague/friend (or suddenly stopped talking about her)?

He is lying because he does not want to look like the bad guy - however, he has completely detached from you and you need plan for the future on that basis.

BeCool Tue 18-Feb-14 15:47:03

I agree he is probably having an affair - you see it time and time again here on MN, including the few posters to pop up to say "how can you say he's having an affair? You don't now that etc etc" aand who don't pop up again in a few days/weeks time to say "oh you were right". You also hear the wives who will tell us "he says there is no one else involved and I trust him/believe him" and who are doubly betrayed.

So OP he will lie to you, and tell you all the dreadful things you did to make him leave - but this is all a cover/mask for his own shitty behaviour, that you and your DC are now feeling the sharp end of.

take care of yourself. try to eat and sleep. Keep posting here - there will be people here all the time for you.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 16:54:56

All I am saying is not every situation like this is an affair. And saying it probably is could focus the OPs attentions wrongly. I know if I had focused on looking for something that wasn't there it could have been a very different story. Yes, many many are cheaters, yes there is a "script" but telling the OP it's most likely an affair, when it could well not be, may not help the situation at all.

Some men, rightly or wrongly, walk away because they are unhappy. Or immature. Or twats. Or have other issues such as gambling or alcohol addictions. They dont all walk away because of a hidden affair.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:01:31

I have never known a man to leave who hasn't someone else lined up. Even if the op never finds out, I would bet there is another candidate all ready and waiting for him.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:03:44

Maybe that's the difference then Lily. Because I have. They are less common for sure, but they do happen.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:08:53

Actually I know one who left, and that was because his wife was unfaithful. But everyone else, nope, classic cheaters script sadly.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 18-Feb-14 17:11:08

They definitely don't ALL leave for someone else but there usually is someone else when they leave in this particular way. (Sorry OP)

1. Its come as a complete bolt out the blue, the OP is actually pulverized: that's because the DH has been hiding something for a while.

2. There has been no signs of depression - but suddenly they may come out with the: 'oh whoopsie, I'm having a breakdown. I need to go somewhere hot/skiing, etc, etc'

3. They come out with 'I'm not in love with you.' - Meaning: 'I've got the hots for someone else.'

4. They absolutely refuse counseling, discussions, etc. They are adamant its over. Course it is, someone else is waiting for them.

Get to see a solicitor and start thinking about what YOU want in the future for you.

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:11:24

I've known one finish because of the wife abusive the husband. Two because the husband just wasn't happy and walked out, no adultery on either side, one because of the wife having an affair, one due to mental health issues and then probably six due to male cheating? So they definitely make up the majority.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:13:51

JohnFarley - my ex used all 4 of those, wonder if I get a prize ;)

NaffOrf Tue 18-Feb-14 17:15:59

he has carried on family life as usual inc sex

You're not still having sex with him, are you OP?

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 18-Feb-14 17:16:25

You did kind of get the prize: Freedom from that selfish twat!

VelmaD Tue 18-Feb-14 17:16:45

Mine definitely did the blaming me to make himself feel better for his shitty behaviour as mentioned upthread.

OP, dont let him do this to you. However, or whyever, they left you do not deserve to have all the blame put onto you. Which he will try. He will blame sex, the children, money, anything to justify his cowardly behaviour to himself.

DrJeanGrey Tue 18-Feb-14 17:29:06

I have been through this also Mamataurus. Exact same thing. Out of nowhere he didn't love me. Out of nowhere it was all my fault. As far as I knew we were happy.

I am not sure if it's relevant to you, but there was no OW involved at all, and months on he still does not have one. He's lonely and pestering me for sex actually.

The reasons my DH walked out were basically down to being overwhelmed with stress / financial / emotional / familial responsibilities.

I know you search for reasons, but I am not sure what reasons are better or worse. For me...he left me...that was (after time to accept it) all I needed to know.

It does get easier, but it is a big blow you have been dealt. Spouses are not supposed to behave like this.

DrJeanGrey Tue 18-Feb-14 17:30:12

Yes, and the blame is guilt. They feel guilty so they try and turn it on you. It's the low of the low.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:46:37

I guess whatever the reason to it all, it is still unutterably shite - but you can, and will, come through the other side & you can be happy again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Feb-14 17:47:57

How did you get on with CAB, OP?

I am sorry to hear your H has thrown a grenade into your life. If he has been a bit distant lately that could have been him consciously distancing himself from you, and then the question of your contribution to the marriage, running you down, all the easier to disentangle and march forward.

"Losing a connection to you" out of the blue, yet somehow still having marital sex and living at home? It's not uncommon for a man to wait until he has lined up the next bed with home comforts before exiting a relationship. Apparently it's not true that someone having an affair is lacking anything at home, so don't blame yourself.

If there's an OW, she will surface eventually, except he'll say he "only just met her". Don't waste energy slandering her or tracking her. Bottom line is, he gave himself permission.

People often say, oh but he has no time to see anyone else! Any female colleagues, any neighbours, any best friends' wives or gfs, someone at the gym, a former romantic attachment who walks back into his life - or of course a complete stranger to you, who knows. Long hours at work, unavailability during the day, meetings and conferences and trade fairs, the smartphone glued to his side all weekend - work can be a wonderful cover. And once "off the leash" that individual can suddenly go off on holiday, leaving spouse to cope with the DCs and hold 'normal' routine together.

It very seldom seems to be a mental breakdown or severe depression brought on by stress, in spite of the conviction of their hurt and bewildered partner left behind who can't understand how their partner has utterly changed. Unless unbeknown to you, like a previous poster's ex, H had started an addiction, which led to a secret double life and huge pressure, you might count that out too.

Glad you have some real life support.

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Feb-14 22:59:23

mama my XH gave me the same speech two years ago completely out of the blue, and also destroyed my character. We had a few stressful months, he spent some time with his mates wife, a woman he had previously detested , and he became infatuated with her.

There may not be OW in your case but keep your eyes open. Check mobile bills if you can, or emails. Some people will say not to, but in my case it proved what was going on sad

Put yourself first from now on, eat little and often, sort out your finances, have minimal contact with him. Don't believe a word he says. My XH denied it even when confronted with the phone bills....

It will get better in time, but I know what a shock it must be for you at the moment.

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