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Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

(93 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 11:07:34

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

pinkfluffypoodleface Mon 17-Feb-14 11:28:25

Duplicate thread.

printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 11:29:07

Also a valentines card would have been nice this year! It goes against his principles re: commercialisation of cards apparently. He normally manages to give one to me though!

printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 11:31:00

Sorry think duplicate thread has been deleted - posted thread twice by mistake. Please reply on this thread.

KhloeKardashian Mon 17-Feb-14 11:32:44

Why are you with him?

not judging fell for it myself in a past relationship

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 11:33:55

What you're saying is that he reluctantly gave up the OW and isn't showing you anything approaching enthusiasm. If you don't feel reassured, whether it's through grand gestures or any other mechanism, then you may find that the only way to successfully move forward is to leave DH well behind. Don't be the person he 'settles' for.

And I would add that the Valentines Card thing is just another facet of his selfishness. Not important to him but important to you. A truly repentant person would take that on board. One who is reluctantly still there under sufferance wouldn't see the point.

NaffOrf Mon 17-Feb-14 11:37:27

He hasn't made any 'grand gestures' because he doesn't feel the need. He hasn't told you you're the most important woman in the world, and that he loves you, because that's not what he thinks. You should at least give him credit for not bullshitting you any more than he already has done.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 11:40:58

He is taking it for granted that nothing bad will happen...

printmeanicephoto Mon 17-Feb-14 18:12:13

I am still devastated although I think I deserve more than this.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Feb-14 18:23:55

Of course you do

You are not getting it though, are you ?

Are you meant to feel gratitude for him just still being there ?

It would take a fuckload more than that for me too

Yelp4help Mon 17-Feb-14 18:42:41

'You are not getting it though, are you ?'

common line in abusive relationships. not sure people come on here to be, and I believe it is, emotionally abused by posters they turn to for help!

AnyFucker Mon 17-Feb-14 18:49:29

yelp, isn't there a bit of car maintenance you should be doing or summat ?

AnyFucker Mon 17-Feb-14 18:50:36

another pointlessly goady post from this grease monkey

Uptheanty Mon 17-Feb-14 18:51:18

Have you told your dh how you feel?

It seems like he's looking after his own needs.

If you need reassurance-and you said you do....why would you be prepared to move on without it?

Why do you appear to be making all the comprimises when he had the affair?

Anniegetyourgun Mon 17-Feb-14 19:10:10

I don't think your H actually sees that he should need to make any grand gestures. Wot I reckon is that all he thought was that he rather reluctantly made the choice to go back to the status quo and that should have been the end of it. If anyone asked him how he thought his wife felt about the whole business I suspect he would stare at them blankly for a while, wheels slowly turning, and then say you were probably happy because he had gone back to you. The thought that he should be grateful that you were willing to take him back is unlikely to have occurred to his tiny mind. (I don't care if he's a genius in most aspects - his emotional intelligence is clearly minimal.)

I think he needs telling in no uncertain terms that you deserve and expect a bit of grovelling and worshipping after what he put you through, and if he can't or won't deliver, the divorce court is that way >>> You may have no intention of carrying out the threat, but he needs to know just how much he risked for a silly ego boost. Of course it shouldn't be necessary.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 17-Feb-14 19:15:29

Yelp4help, if you read the thread carefully the OP says she deserves more than this, to which AF agrees and comments that she's not getting it (ie "more than this"). The phrase is sympathetic rather than abusive in that context.

I can't believe that needs explaining to someone old enough to use the internet.

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Feb-14 19:19:27

As I said on your other thread, telling somebody how much you love them is not a grand gesture. It is a bare minimum, especially after a betrayal. And a valentine, he didn't bother with that either? I'm really sorry but it sounds like he's only staying with you until something better rouses his interest elsewhere. Please don't accept this from him.

WhotheWhat Mon 17-Feb-14 21:05:25

and it wasn't an ea. penetration isn't the bar

hermionepotter Mon 17-Feb-14 21:06:26

the trouble with these situations <been there> is that your self worth gets eroded. So yes you need massive gestures for a bit and deserve them IMO. You also need to know that there are plenty of lovely guys out there who would worship the ground you walk on and be grateful for your time. That probably seems unbelievable to you right now <been there> So he needs to shape up or ship out.

First step is surely to communicate your needs clearly to him and make sure he knows you mean it? Also, think about other ways you can start to be really kind to yourself, build yourself up, maybe exercise, new hobby, treat yourself, that sort of thing
thanks

Lweji Mon 17-Feb-14 21:16:52

I'd honestly distrust the grand gestures more.

Trust is build on the little things every day.

shey02 Mon 17-Feb-14 22:58:36

Sorry OP, I could have written parts of your opening post myself. The reason he was pinning was because he was missing her. The reason I didn't get these things from my exh at the time was because he couldn't give a shit about me. He wasn't scared to lose me, or consumed by guilt, he was trying to figure out a way to continue the affair and he did, until I caught him again. More fool me.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 17-Feb-14 23:07:01

How old are you OP? Do you really want to grow old as somebody's fallback option? Are you prepared to accept that as your lot? You do have a choice here.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 10:22:37

He's not a grand gestures sort of person really I guess. He keeps on telling me it wasn't an affair just an inappropriate relationship (went on for a month with the kissing) - but there were a few months leading up to that month of getting to know her and chatting apparently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 10:28:48

By minimising it he is not being respectful of the impact on your feelings. It's the 'she meant nothing to me' chestnut with the 'I'm over it, why aren't you?' problem added. I'm sorry but that is not consistent with your original description of him as 'truly repentant'

AnyFucker Tue 18-Feb-14 10:29:00

Of course it was an affair

He doesn't get to reset the definition because it suits him to do so

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 11:04:43

Have you told him that a relationship that is inappropriate because it is with someone other than the person you have agreed to be monogamous with, that involves sexual interest and activity, is the very definition of an affair?! hmm

I think you should dump him tbh. Grand gestures often mean nothing and are made by people who want to cover up their lies/lack of feelings IMO. You aren't asking for grand gestures, you're just asking that he do the bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship - that he show his love, that he understands and cares for your needs.

So what you have is someone who doesn't care for you and for someone reason (desperate to cover up he did shag her?) is motivated to minimise his behaviour and not take responsibility for it.

Don't put up with being treated like that, please! I think you should sack him off and move on, he's only going to continue hurting you.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:12:21

Until recently he's basically been pining for her since it happened (18 mths ago). So Ive stood by and known his head (but not his body) was somewhere else for all that time (its been sooo hard). Now he says he really wants to commit to our marriage. I know he"s truly repentant but I feel like ive changed. I want it to work but still feel so hurt. We have 2 kids at primary school.

Uptheanty Tue 18-Feb-14 12:22:27

It must have been utterly soul destroying to witness your dh mourn someone else...no wonder you feel different now.

I think you've been very brave to try to hold all of this together but i really feel that you need to put yourself first now.

Your dh sounds like a selfish, self absorbed pig of a man. This may not be how he always was, but it's certainly how he's been behaving towards you.

Has his fog cleared yet? Has he noticed YOU his WIFE yet?

If not then you really need to start making changes yourself.

I'm very angry on your behalf and hope you can find the strength that you need so you can be treated how you deserve to be thanks

AnyFucker Tue 18-Feb-14 12:30:39

Well, this is the problem that cheaters need to face when they do what they do

The cheated-upon may initially take them back and try to forgive and forget, but in many cases, after the hysterical bonding period, they wake up and smell the coffee

by realising that the "prize" they won is actually tarnished forever and actually deserves to be sent back due to not being fit for purpose

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:41:27

Don't think we've had a hysterical bonding period. Been too naffed off to do that and his head has been elsewhere.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:42:02

No double entendre intended ha hs.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 12:42:49

God, you didn't even get a hysterical bonding period ?

How utterly miserable

Why have you stood by for months and watched him pine for another woman ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 12:48:43

Wanting to forgive is a good intention but you know what they say about the Road to Hell being paved with those...? hmm Traumatic emotional events do and should change us as people. Being betrayed so severely by someone who is supposed to love you is about as bad as it gets. If we experienced trauma and stayed the same, we'd simply be naïve.

So you've changed, he's changed & therefore the relationship has changed. You've had chance to reassess your opinion of him and maybe you don't like what you see?

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:30

Yeah standing by has made me feel utterly shit. Feel second best.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 12:57:33

But there may still be some hope with counselling.

Redoubtable Tue 18-Feb-14 13:03:20

Hope for who or what?

You? In or out of this dis-respectful relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 13:04:37

Counselling may help you work out why you felt obliged to stand by, feel shit and allow yourself to be second prize in the beauty contest. hmm I'd concentrate on boosting your own confidence and self-esteem for a while. It's taken a total hammering and you really shouldn't have to tell a loving man to up his game. His 'it wasn't really an affair' attitude could be tough to shift, even with counselling.

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 13:06:36

Do you honestly and truly feel there's enough love between the two of you to get over this and spend the rest of your lives together - it's not sounding very likely.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 13:06:48

Hope for what ?

To change him from a dead loss into somethig he isn't ?

Anyone who really loved you wouldn't have put you through witnessing that. Fair enough, maybe he loved this OW. But somebody with your best interests at heart would have taken himself away to lick his wounds, not continued to avail himself of domestic services and watched you slowly die in front of him

Nasty, nasty behaviour

shey02 Tue 18-Feb-14 14:03:53

OP sounds like you have changed and rightly so, are you sure you wish to settle for counselling and getting through this? Some do, but it's hard work. Can you imagine a life without him?

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 15:09:57

We weren't getting on great before the ea and although repentant he says I shouldn't be that surprised that it happened! I was surprised!

hermionepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 15:11:47

hmm
he sounds very entitled
It sounds as if he's blaming you for the affair rather than taking responsibility

MorrisZapp Tue 18-Feb-14 15:18:01

Oh no come on, this is just awful. Really, you can't be with this idiot now. He had an affair and blamed you? Then refused to make any effort to make things better?

No. Get him dumped. This will only erode your self esteem further if you let him hang about.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 15:19:42

Yes he says he's 100 percent to blame but that I shouldn't be surprised.

Uptheanty Tue 18-Feb-14 15:24:32

I feel that his behaviour since the ea is actually emotional abuse.
You sound apologetic for your very existence.

It appears he's got you trained to accept whatever he says and expect nothing.

You are worth so much more than you think you are.

You can feel whole again.
You are worthy.
You deserve to be happy.
You can be ok without him- probably better.

Ask yourself this, what are YOU getting from this marriage?

hermionepotter Tue 18-Feb-14 15:33:15

you shouldn't be surprised shock hmm just why tf not, since you were married angry come on OP that's just not on, I think you know that.

He should be extremely grateful if you're forgiving an affair IMO, irrespective of the 'why'

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 15:56:57

eh ? You "shouldn't be surprised" ?

Who the fuck does he think he is

He has virtually told you there that the next time you are "not getting on great" (as happens in all relationships) that he will go out and have another affair, and you should not be surprised by that

you are being very silly, love

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:04:53

Be prepared for many more affairs in the future OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 16:06:17

I agree with AF. The 'shouldn't be surprised' response sound a lot like one of these non-apologies that politicians trot out when they're in the soup. 'I'm sorry if others found my behaviour unacceptable in the circumstances'.... is not the same as saying 'I behaved badly and I am sorry'.

Do you not feel like you're being made to look a fool?

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:09:58

The fact he pined for this OW in front of you like a wounded dog would've been enough for me to say bye, bye forever. Sorry I'm not meaning to make you feel worse but this man has no real intentions towards you.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 18-Feb-14 16:14:33

Bloody hell OP, this thread makes me think of some badly treated dog who goes to lick the hand of its owner despite said owner beating it on a daily basis. Jeeez, get some self respect back, this twat-fucker has somehow made you lose all perspective of what one might reasonably expect from a relationship. This isnt a relationship, it is one person saying to another, 'i really want to be with somebody else but as they are not available i will grin and bear it with you.' The reason there are no grand gestures are because he doesnt see you as any kind of prize. Is that really where you are at in your life? The booby prize? I just cant believe that.

Chyochan Tue 18-Feb-14 16:15:08

Why do you think you are choosing to accept this situation.

Im not judging btw, I think most of us have been there.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 16:16:17

The "you shouldn't be surprised" is really the comment that would bury him for me

There is no ambiguity there at all. Next time you don't please him, he will do it again.

No way to live is it ?

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:31:11

Really sorry you're been in this situation OP. The thought of him 'pining' for OW and like AF says, the idea that you should expect/not be surprised by his behavior is worrying... he sounds very arrogant.

Hope you have friends and support in RL to rally round. Have the kids any clue what's happened?
Be kind to yourself and instead of worrying about his re-assurance, assure yourself... that this is his last chance (is it?).

I still think that grand gestures are usually more about the unfaithful partner making themselves feel/look better than the person they have betrayed imo/ime. He probably knows that telling you how you're the most important person etc will sound hollow after what he's done.

Herhonesty Tue 18-Feb-14 16:40:39

i am in exactly the same position, EA plus admitted to kissing and lots of sexting. Likewise is see no "fight" in him for me or for the marriage. its horrible. tbh i have decided that i cant live with someone who I dont believe truly loves me and have put in place a timeframe around which to consider what my options are. I need to get back in control, rather than feeling pathetically grateful that he is back in the marriage. I am worth more than this but it is a hard choice to make - unhappyness or insecurity?

Jan45 Tue 18-Feb-14 16:44:34

I suspect once out of the situation it will appear less hard a choice than you think.

EverythingCounts Tue 18-Feb-14 17:19:41

You deserve better treatment OP.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:47:00

Herhonesty choose happiness every time... smile

Don't be so hard on yourself, please. You aren't pathetic. He's pathetic.

Witchazel Tue 18-Feb-14 18:01:36

Not a huge amount for me to add really... other than to send huge sympathy to you. I know how it feels. Second best. Pitiful for your self-esteem. A sure fire way to wed yourself to the hobnobs every evening (which is what I have done). I have been the dutiful wife in the background enduring a 5 year long EA. I am currently planning my way out of it. You DO deserve better and I hope you find a way out.
Be kind to yourself. And don't leave it as long as I have.
xxx

sadaboutmum Tue 18-Feb-14 18:03:21

I may be a lone voice but please don't give up on him yet op. I had an affair and grieved for the loss of the om for close on 5 years. I was not prepared to leave my husband and the circumstances are too long and boring to go into here. But we survived and I so not believe that my dh was weak to let me stay and grieve at the same time. We had a life and two children together and sometimes that is enough to get through. I know my view is not fashionable but or worked for us.

maggiemight Tue 18-Feb-14 18:17:45

Hmm, you shouldn't have been surprised, eh?

And, as the relationship is obviously not yet all wine and roses perhaps you shouldn't be surprised if he does it again!

Cheeky twat.

I was v fed up with DH's selfish behavior not long ago and posted on the legal thread to ask what I would get if we split up, assuming not much as had been SAHM a lot and DCs grown up, but - wha hey, I would get half... cue popping champagne corks at the realization I could clear off if I wanted, this resulted in a big change in my attitude ie Im not putting up with this shit any more which in turn, over a few weeks/months, caused DH to change for the better.

Perhaps a visit to a solicitor and a realization that there is life without selfish DH might make you start the changes which will turn around your relationship, or possibly end it.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 18:19:18

Thanks sad - good to hear the other side too. I really want it to work but am worried that things are just too broken now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 18:22:41

@sadboutmum..... treating people like shit is not fashionable, no. hmm Your poor husband must have no self-esteem left whatsoever.

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 18:29:57

Thank you sad for posting. Cog - that was a bit out of order.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 18:30:56

I can only speak for myself, but if I had treated somebody so badly and they continued to forgive me, I would lose all respect for them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Feb-14 18:49:58

Precisely AF... all that's left is contempt. hmm

sadaboutmum Tue 18-Feb-14 20:13:06

Jesus it is absolutely no wonder that I never post on here. Truly do you lot know nothing about kindness gentleness and forgiveness? And it is quite frankly bollocks to suggest that children are unharmed by divorce, I know that to my cost since it was the fuck up of my parents divorce that led me to struggle to understand what normal healthy long term relationships are like. My dh and I have given a gift to our children that is priceless - and to suggest that he is anything short of heroic to have given me the space and time to figure things out is just ludicrous. Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life and I come at that from a perspective of very nearly throwing it all away. I just want the op to know that sometimes staying, forgiving, loving is an option and that just because it might take time for her dh to truly come back to her does not mean that she should give up on it know. First time (I think) that I've posted in relationships and I won't bother again.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:18:55

I can only speak for myself did you miss that bit ?

I wish you well in your marriage, SOM, and I am glad for you

But I would never, ever advocate that anyone should bury their self respect to the point where they passively stand by as the person who is supposed to love them behaves so cruelly and is so open about the contempt they must feel

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 20:25:06

Sad - I appreciate your post and it has helped me. Thank you. I believe in grace and forgiveness too. X

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:37:55

sorry, meant SAM

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:39:27

It would be a shame, OP, if that one post in all these up in arms about how cruel this man has been, swayed you to overlooking this fact sad

bearing in mind that we don't know who is on the other end of the 't'internet, and why

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 20:41:51

Sad - There's not really evidence to suggest children are harmed by divorce per se. There's evidence to suggest children are harmed by acrimony and by instability.

Those things may commonly be part of divorce but they are also commonly a part of the discovery and aftermath of an affair within a marriage where someone is forgiven.

The harm doesn't happen only if you decide to leave and it isn't avoided by staying. That viewpoint is oppressive to women (primarily) who have been pressured for generations to put up with bad treatment 'for the kids' and anyone who has discovered an affair and it defies logic.

I don't think it is anything to do with not believing in forgiveness. For a start you can forgive without staying together. Also, the choice to stay together has to be made realistically if it is going to work. From what the op says this guy is not even taking responsibility for what he is done and is still directing his love towards ow. He has not shown any signs in his behaviour that he wants to be with the op.

Was that the case in your relationship sad? Did you deny it was an affair, indicate it was partially your husband's fault and show him no love or care?

printmeanicephoto Tue 18-Feb-14 22:08:16

Yes AF - have taken on board other opinions too and do want to maintain some self respect. Am struggling with forgiveness, but that doesn't mean it's not possible under the right circumstances - ie extreme remorse on his part and making me feel special again.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 22:10:55

It's your life, love. Live it wisely x

feelingvunerable Tue 18-Feb-14 22:28:16

Op- I understand that you want the marriage to work, but does your dh?

If he truley does then he would be making a huge effort to put things right and make you absolutely want to stay with him.
t
As it is he isn't doing that. Be kind to yourself. Tell your dh what you want and what you don't want. If he isn't prepared to meet these requests then I'm afraid he really isn't that bothered about you or the marriage at all.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 18-Feb-14 22:52:19

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life and I come at that from a perspective of very nearly throwing it all away.
Im sorry sad but this just comes across as complete bullshit in light of the fact that you were at it with somebody else behind hubby's back and then pined for the OM for five years. Are you living in some kind of parallel universe here or am i missing something? You've nowt to be proud about love, believe me.

NaffOrf Wed 19-Feb-14 10:56:31

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

That is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:53:12

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

That would be sad even if your marriage didn't sound like a complete fucking pisstake.

Your poor husband sad

printme - he is not remotely repentant if he thinks you shouldn't have been surprised that he cheated on you physically and emotionally and then rubbed your face in his break up for 18 months.

If you shouldn't have been surprised, that means that he believes his affairs was inevitable, predictable, and understandable.

That's not regret. That's not remorse.

He's saying enough to fool you into staying with him even though he doesn't love you and doesn't respect you.

Please don't stay with this total shitbag;

ClemencePoesy Wed 19-Feb-14 12:07:42

You will never get the grand gesture.
You will get what he is serving up to you.
He is showing you and telling you very clearly, I hope one day soon you can listen. I wish you all the luck.

hermionepotter Wed 19-Feb-14 12:49:53

Potentially more damaging to children IMO to stay with a cheater, as the role model you're then giving them is it's okay to be walked all over and to put up with crap. Certainly not what I'd want for my dcs. OP you're worth more.

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:50:48

In all my time on here I can't believe someone who has lied, cheated, shared their body with another person can say fixing their marriage was their proudest achievement....hmm

I would guess from that that the injured party was and is so reliant and lacking in any confidence that they choose to accept and forgive such shitty, shitty treatment of them.

OP is up to you what you are willing to accept, from what you have written your OH isn't giving you anywhere near 100% of him and probably won't in the future either, especially when you are allowing him to still treat you with such contempt. He does not love you, you know it, you are just kidding yourself. If you really can't contemplate life without him, at least scupper up what's left of your self esteem and make him bloody work for you, stop being the victim.

maggiemight Wed 19-Feb-14 14:17:27

Wanting someone to change doesn't work, OP, you seem determined that your DH should do something you feel, justifiably, is necessary, but you can't make someone else do something.

Which is why I posted above that you need to do something differently because you can't change someone else you can only change yourself.

sadaboutmum Wed 19-Feb-14 20:07:58

Why is being proud of working at something so sad? I seem to have wound you all up so much.

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 20:51:13

SAM, the fact your husband took you back after such a monumental pisstake is, IMO, down to pure luck and not at all something for you to feel a sense of achiviement about

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:31:14

Where's OP gone? OP OP OP?

Please kick him in the balls and find someone really lovely. Or be by yourself until you're ready. Pretty please

Beccawoo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:43:24

My ex dh had an affair while I was pregnant and walked out to be with ow when dc2 was 3 weeks old. He tried to get me back a few times, but no grand gestures, just asking, via text or email. Seriously, if I'd found him sleeping on my doorstep in desperation, I may have been turned, but frankly, I didn't believe him. We are now 2 years down the line, divorced, he is still with ow and she still knows nothing! Poor her.

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life

With due respect to SAM, please don't be swayed by the person who thinks that her dh putting up with her shagging another man for five years is any sort of achievement. IMO that says a lot of sad things about her dh's self-esteem and SAM's delusion than anything else.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't move on from this, OP.

But I can guarantee that unless he changes his mindset dramatically his selfishness and lack of caring will grind you into dust.

This is a man who is not being honest with himself about what happened (kissing is physical, not emotional) and who is gladly handing over blame to the ONE PERSON he should be bending over backwards for.

All the while he's pining for his lost love. Do you want that life? Really?

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 22:05:53

My proudest achievement in life is that time I kicked a puppy up the arse, it's ok though - it forgave me wink

primeminister Thu 20-Feb-14 08:23:05

WhateverTrevor83 maybe the OP's gone to a thread where people bother to read what's been written, are thoughtful and kind. Oh, sorry, that wouldn't be the Mumsnet relationship thread then.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 20-Feb-14 11:16:35

ooOOOoo, trev, your first little mini-toasting smile

Jan45 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:57:52

I'm feeling left out now...wink

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 20-Feb-14 12:05:19

smile

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 20-Feb-14 14:13:42

Oh primeminister do shurrup and pipe down grin was so baffled by the post about the woman cheating on her bloke and getting away with it being her proudest achievement.

Anyhoo - hope you're feeling a bit better OP?

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