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where do you start?

(31 Posts)
heybrothers Sun 16-Feb-14 20:21:22

when you've never had a relationship, never kissed someone you fancy, never slept with anyone? Where?

33 yo and don't know where to start.

lowedrive Sun 16-Feb-14 21:41:11

I'm 29 and I feel you. I don't think I felt sexual desire towards a person, never kissed someone I fancied but I do crave companionship. Oddly enough, I did have someone I fancy but even then I never wanted to kiss them. I tried relationship with a different person but he fancied me more & there were many incompatibilities & he wanted to marry me and I felt suffocated. Never slept with him too and felt guilty about it. I want to try slow exploring relationship where I can possibly grow to desire physical intimacy but after that relationship I am afraid I will lead the other person on and waste their time.

pinkfluffypoodleface Mon 17-Feb-14 11:36:17

It depends on what you want, are we talking asexuality which means you don't want a sexual relationship & are not sexually attracted to others? So the offers have been there but you've rejected them...

Or do you want a relationship but haven't been able to find anyone or don't meet anyone in your day to day life who is boyfriend material?

I have a friend, a lovely lovely guy who is just too shy to chat people up & desperately wants a girlfriend but he works night shifts in a bus garage so is unlikely to meet anyone as he sleeps in the day. He finds women attractive but doesn't know what to do about it & even if he did, is way too shy & self confident to do it.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 11:38:06

Can you tell us a little bit about your life? Do you work? Drive? Go out with friends/family? Belong to any social clubs?

pinkfluffypoodleface Mon 17-Feb-14 11:38:13

(I think I used the wrong word sorry, my friend has no confidence...)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 11:42:01

Start with friendship and a good social circle. Friendship is a relationship and, the more friends you have, the more likely that one of them will prove to be special enough to take further.

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 15:31:50

Thanks, I do have friends, though. I'm not isolated in the sense I lack basic relationships with others.

I work full time. I drive. I don't know of any social clubs for people under the age of 50 grin I go out with friends when I can.

I've never had any offers.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 15:39:50

Forget the dating for now and concentrate on building a busy life you love. There are hundreds of clubs for all age groups - what are your interests?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:42:32

Don't wait for offers smile Make the offers. Take a few chances, ask for a few dates and take the opportunity to get to know people better. Faint heart never won fair person of either gender

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 15:44:53

I don't know anybody I could ask on a date.

I do have a busy life thank you, but I just mean intimate relationships not friendships or acquaintances.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 15:45:46

Internet dating? Speed dating? Introduction agency?

winterlace Mon 17-Feb-14 15:47:01

Would you let them go to school not wearing the school uniform? Let them go to a fancy restaurant in rags? I doubt it - I just can't see why people don't recognise we have societal rules pertaining to clothing and children are not immune to that. It doesn't apply to some clothing - 'gender neutral' - but does to others.

winterlace Mon 17-Feb-14 15:47:57

Sorry wrong thread. blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 15:49:57

If there's no friend that you think could be relationship potential then you either have to put yourself in a situation where you might make new friends & meet new people or you ask others to set you up or you go the route of internet dating. But you have to make a bit of an effort to get out there.

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:03:11

Lol.

I suppose this is what I need, advice on putting myself out there. But I don't honestly know how I can do that! I have an active social life: see friends, shows, cinema, theatre, bars. Book group and other stuff through that. Horse trekking. I don't do those things thinking "oh I will meet someone" but I do keep busy as you can see.

Tried the 'net but it doesn't work for me ...

Honestly I think I may be a hopeless case sad but I don't know why!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 16:08:37

What kind of person do you want to meet? What might they be interested in? T If you're trying to meet straight blokes, for example, don't take a night school course in flower-arranging. So cinema, theatre and book-groups (and I'm assuming you're a women who wants to meet men, correct me if I'm wrong) might be a little too female. My ex-SIL who was a bit of a social climber advised me to take up tennis and hang out in tennis clubs because 'all the rich chaps play tennis'. smile

Animals are a good talking point IME... You mention horse-trekking.

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:10:38

Yes, keep,considering buying one (a horse that is!) but I don't know if I would have the time.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 16:12:29

How would you feel about striking up random conversations with a group of blokes on a night out with your mates? Or on your own at the supermarket/bus stop/train station?

Is there anyone you're attracted to in any of your social circles?

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:23:12

I think I'd be laughed at Jean! I definitely don't have that sort of confidence, and plus men on nights out are usually younger than me. We don't tend to do the night out as in pubs and clubs and bars very often at all!

No, no one I'm attracted to or even single.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 16:28:08

Do you have a partner-in-crime, a best mate you could go out with who's happy to get chatt

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 16:29:01

Do you have a partner-in-crime, a best mate you could go out with who's happy to get chatting to randoms? You might need to be prepared to venture outside your comfort zone...

Speed dating?

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:31:23

I have quite a lot of friends in fact but none are single. I can't see speed dating being any more successful than my paltry Internet attempts!

Maybe I do need to face up to 'life alone' - not wanting to sound overly dramatic in any way!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 16:36:56

Can I ask how old you are?

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:38:34

32smile

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 16:38:44

33 Cog.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Feb-14 16:41:10

And do you particularly want an intimate relationship or do you feel any kind of social pressure to conform?

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 16:46:33

33!

Cognitio, I definitely want to get married and have children. To an extent I feel some social pressure but it doesn't massively bother me, I just want to love someone and hopefully have a family with them.

pinkfluffypoodleface Mon 17-Feb-14 17:02:58

Are you near the West Midlands? If you are I'll see if my bus garage friend is free for a coffee?

heybrothers Mon 17-Feb-14 17:09:18

I am in the south east but thank you!

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 17:12:49

What about a traditional introduction agency?

LastingLight Mon 17-Feb-14 18:04:30

I met DH on a dating site when I was 33, he was my first relationship and we've now been happily married for 8 years. A friend of mine got married at the age of 47 last year to her first relationship partner. It can happen!

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