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So, so angry that he's left me to deal with all the house shit...

(50 Posts)
louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 17:11:04

So, relationship breaks down after nearly 6 years together last December.

Jointly own the house (but I have a large sum invested that he can't touch) we've lived here for 5 years in April. me and my DC moved 11 miles (sold my house) so that we could have a fresh start, larger house as his DD visited 3 weekends out of 4 at the time and he wanted rooms for his girls. He moved 30 or so miles to live with me. Large mortgage that he is still paying half towards.

He met someone 3 weeks after our split and he moved out of the house last week - he's renting somewhere 40 miles away, close to work. I have a feeling his new victim and child have moved in with him.

He has left a load of stuff here (currently piled up in the garage). I have emailed him asking him if he's coming for it, or not! he hasn't even got the decency to reply.

He left the areas he was living in in a disgusting state. The bathroom hadn't been cleaned, he took his TV off the wall leaving screws and holes. There was stuff everywhere. He just packed up and ran!

I know he has no interest in this house now but it is further proof that he is truly a despicable person. He has no morals. He talks about respect and decency, he has none for me or this house. He has walked away and left me to deal with it all - I am so bloody angry. I honestly thought he was a good, kind, decent man! He isn't!

I'm trying desperately to sell this house. I only moved here because of him. My mum and dad have been so good, they have helped me sort rooms out, redecorate and make it more appealing.

Just needed to vent!

expatinscotland Sun 16-Feb-14 17:15:01

Tell him he has X amount of time to clear his stuff out or you will throw it out. Then do it.

scarletforya Sun 16-Feb-14 17:18:45

Put his stuff on the kerb and tell him in writing hee needs to get it.

tribpot Sun 16-Feb-14 17:21:44

You really think he met her after your split? Sounds more like he's done a bunk. I would imagine that with little capital invested in the house he took the approach 'your house, your problem'. Not saying that is right but I wouldn't waste a lot of energy on him - you're better off shot of him.

Definitely don't keep his stuff - as expat says, give him a deadline (perhaps by letter since he's not responding to emails) and then chuck it.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:09

Send a registered letter to his workplace giving him one week to collect everything. However, it sounds as though he's taken everything he wants to take. What sort of things has he left?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 16-Feb-14 18:36:32

I'd warn him to come and get it or you'll dispose. Anything worth selling I'd sell to meet cost of making good his damage and mess. Probably wrong but I'd do it....

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:22:27

I think he's met this woman at work so there may have been something going on before, I really don't know and really don't care. He was planning on staying here for the long haul and had set up his 'den' with Sky sports/BT sports - which he did without my knowledge and left me with the bill. It was only the last few weeks that he realised he couldn't stand living here and made moves to leave - thank god.

He took very little with him, which makes me think she has moved in with him and provided him with cutlery, crockery, iron etc. They had been seeing each other 5 weeks at that point! How ridiculous! She has a 4 year old child too.

There is his suit, his girls bedding, clothes, books, an airer, 2 old laptops, an ironing board, girls stuff, a coat, his girls bikes, games, Christmas tree & decorations and loads of other stuff too. I don't think he's coming back for it.

I shall leave it another week with a deadline and then it can all go. I'll keep what I want and dump/charity shop the rest. I need to sort the garage out and go to the tip anyway.

It's how he's left the house that's annoyed me. He wanted it advertised at some ridiculous price and expected to get top dollar for a house that needs loads of little jobs doing. I've dropped it by £15k since he left and still had no viewings! It's all about him and getting as much money as he can.

He is fool. He'll never own his own home again.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 19:27:01

OP, did you take photos of how he left it?

I would say that he's known her a lot longer than that. Only a lunatic would move someone in with her child after a couple of weeks.

What will you do with his girls' things? I wouldn't chuck them without speaking to them first, but the rest could go immediately.

Emz8369 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:30:57

are you in touch with his daughters mum so the girls can at least have there stuff back?

hamptoncourt Sun 16-Feb-14 19:33:02

Louby why do you think they have only known each other 5 weeks? Do you not suspect it may have been an awful lot longer?

I would definitely sell his stuff if he doesn't get it, to recoup some of your losses.

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:43:20

He put on Facebook on the 4th Jan that he was going on a date. And from then on he was different. He flung it in my face at one point that he had met 'someone that appreciated him'

I know lots of you MN say that people have affairs even at work and I understand that, but my exH had an affair and I know the signs. My exP went to work and came home at the usual times. He has no friends where we live (infact he has few friends at all, which has made me think) and he only ever went out with me, never on his own. He was here all weekend. We were having regular sex and our relationship was okish. We had a holiday booked with another family for this summer. He wasn't always on his phone etc etc.

I suspect it's someone from work that he's been friends with a while. I've realised that he has a pattern with women and he can't be on his own. He needs a woman in his life. That's why he was so full on with me at the start of our relationship - he had nothing in his life, his girls, but few friends.

There is nothing worth selling, it's all junk. I'm just angry I invested 6 years of my life with an utter dick!

Logg1e Sun 16-Feb-14 19:47:58

So you think it's more likely they got together three weeks after you split up and moved in five weeks later? Does that sound reasonable? Do you think a woman would move her child in with a man she'd been seeing for five weeks?

zipzap Sun 16-Feb-14 19:50:22

Do you know the number for his dd's mum so you could give her the option of picking stuff up for his dd's?

Doesn't sound like he is that bothered by them but it seems a shame to make them suffer because of their father.

Can you deduct the money for the sky set up from his share of the house if he set it up without your knowledge and has left you paying for it!

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:10:32

No I don't suppose it does sound reasonable does it.

Initially he gave me a 5 page spreadsheet of the stuff he wanted out of the house (before he met this woman). He wanted loads of furniture and stuff and it was getting quite nasty talking about the division of stuff, but then he decided to move out and it all changed, he wanted very little.

I don't know 100% that she has moved in with him, I'm only guessing but why not take half the crockery/towels/ bedding/spare ironing board etc - so I think its probably true.

I wouldn't put it past him to move her in quickly - it's how he is! He hates being on his own. His girls have their own lives now - they are 16 & 14 so time with dad doesn't appeal much anymore. He'd be a lonely old man with no woman by his side.

I'm just glad his victim has a little girl, not a boy, as I think he has a problem with boys.

Logg1e Sun 16-Feb-14 20:22:02


superstarheartbreaker Sun 16-Feb-14 20:27:48

It doesn't really matter how long he's been with her. What does matter is that he's an idiot and your best of without. Put his stuff in bin bags!

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:32:06

He was horrible to my 2 DS, really unkind and it got progressively worse as time went on.

I think it's an alpha male thing. My DS14 refused to 'respect' him. As he got older he's rebelled more and more against my exP rules.

My exP thinks that all children should respect adults automatically. He doesn't see that respect needs to be earned.

A 4 year old little girl will do as she's told won't she, unlike my 2DS!

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 20:34:52

Frankly, you should have got rid much earlier, then. Your children must be delighted he's gone.

oldgrandmama Sun 16-Feb-14 20:40:57

Chuck his stuff out - tell him where it is if he wants to collect it, otherwise ... gone! His daughters' things - would be best to see if you can return it to them, maybe via his parents or ex?

He sounds awful and yes, I agree with other posters, I bet the OW was around WELL before he said she was. You're well rid. Onwards and upwards! But I hope you've got legal advice about the house, seeing as you have a lot of equity in it. Especially, whe it comes to him getting his 'share', you make sure the money he owes is deducted form that?

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:43:09

I should. But I was hoping things would change.

My boys are hardwork and I freely admit that! But he never gelled with them, he half-heartedly tried but it wasn't enough.

He has major issues from previous relationships that have never really been addressed.

I'm well rid of him! Just need to get rid of his stuff now!

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:49:13

All sorted via a solicitor. He's had some money upfront and I'm giving him another small sum once we sell as long as he keeps up his payments towards the mortgage.

I will be out of pocket slightly but this has allowed me to take control of the sale of the house.

I will never be financially linked to a man again!

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 20:54:50

You might find your sons' behaviour is better if they're not living with a man who doesn't get on with them.

louby44 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:13:46

They are happier. They actually sit with me in the living room, whereas DS14 was often holed up in his room before the idiot left.

They still bicker but their behaviour is better

EverythingCounts Sun 16-Feb-14 21:30:34

You will look back on this as a blessing in disguise. Glad your sons are now feeling the benefit of him being gone. I just feel sorry for the daughter of the woman he's now shacking up with.

I would ebay the stuff he has left behind (with maybe the exception of the girls' stuff if you can get it back to them - can you text one of them if they're teenagers?) and use whatever you get to make up some of the amount you're out of pocket. Don't bother mentioning it again, he hasn't replied before. If he asks I'd say it has just all vanished from the garage <innocent face> probably burglars...

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Mon 17-Feb-14 06:15:08

Louby, your situation is very similar to mine. I almost could have written your post. Will come back to this later when I have more time.

Bedtime1 Mon 17-Feb-14 06:29:27

If he can't be bothered to answer his phone then I think you should sell them or take them to the charity shop. You can have the space back the. For your things.

louby44 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:27:00

Reply from the dickhead

*For your information, not that it has got anything to do with you, we were busy this weekend!

You will leave my stuff where it is and anymore threats to remove anything that I own from the house will be forwarded onto my solicitor. The house is still in my name also, it seems you have conveniently forgotten that*

Hilarious that he has to tell me he was busy with his victim!!

LtEveDallas Mon 17-Feb-14 10:32:39

Just remind yourself, every single time, how LUCKY you are to be rid of this twunt.

...because you really, really are.

Logg1e Mon 17-Feb-14 11:00:00

What do other posters think about OP taking everything 'round to his and leaving it in the garden (with some friends)? I know there's the cost of time and effort, but I'd want it all out of my house.

louby44 Mon 17-Feb-14 11:08:48

It's in the garage. It will be ruined soon with the damp and there are mice in there...chewing!

He may have a financial link to this house but it isn't his home anymore.

RyanGoslingsSecretWife Mon 17-Feb-14 11:14:52

Just be glad to be well rid of him. Leave it where it is and ignore.

Granville72 Mon 17-Feb-14 11:28:19

My exH did the same. I found he' set up somewhere else with another woman (so much so for the away with work crap) told him to leave and get out of my site and thankfully he did just that.

I put the house on the market (jointly owned) but he refused to come and help sort the loft or garage or collect any of his stuff. I boxed it up and put it in the garage and gave him a dead line to remove all his belongings.

Needless to say, he never came to take it, so I loaded the car up and took it to charity shops & the tip. His golf clubs and mountain bike I sold. I was left to clear the loft, garage and basically clear the house and deal with all that stuff myself.

It's no big deal, just get on with it. I'm rapidly coming to the opinion men are a waste of bleeding time full stop and it's a damn sight easier and quicker if you just do everything yourself.

Logg1e Mon 17-Feb-14 11:54:23

Men are people too Gren.

louby44 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:06:51

He's emailed me further. 'Be warned your emails have been forwarded to my solicitor...blah blah...your bully boy tactics won't work with me ....blah...blah.' There has only ever been one bully in this relationship and it certainly wasn't me!

Have told him am clearing stuff out in order to sell which is in BOTH of our interests. But now he has a new victim to bully and manipulate I and this house are forgotten!

It can sit in the garage and rot for all I care and his plant is dead already!

LtEveDallas Mon 17-Feb-14 12:39:26

Dear Twunt,

I am surprised that you have forwarded emails to your solicitor, won't that cost you more money in the long run? Never mind, that is none of my concern. If you want to give me your solicitors email I am more than happy to add him to the distribution list for any further contact we have.

Your personal belongings are still within the boundaries of the property. I am more concerned that your children will be missing their belongings and that as their father you would want to return their personal property. If that is not the case then please let me know and I will make other arrangements.

I have created a separate email account that will be used for our contact from now on, you may pass it to your solicitor. It is



Granville72 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:42:13

Yes men are people but many turn in to spineless idiots once there is another woman on the scene.

Louby keep hold of the emails he is sending you. If it turns nasty you may need them. It may also be sensible to let your solicitor know and maybe get them to send a letter to his solicitor saying you have requested he remove some belongings but has refused and you have therefore notified him it is in the garage and you will not be held liable for any loss or damage. Just cover your back in case he claims financial costs towards replacing it.

cavell Mon 17-Feb-14 13:09:00

I strongly suggest you get legal advice before disposing of any of his things. If the property is still jointly owned, then your exp may argue that legally he has a right to leave his possessions there.

louby44 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:17:37

I don't think he even has a solicitor. I asked him which firm were representing him a while ago so that my solicitor could email his direct and he told me it was none of my business. So I suspect it's all hot air.

I won't get rid of his stuff but it will be spoilt if he doesn't collect it soon.I've given him the option. Why he can't just call here, load his car up and be done with it I do not know.

The girls stuff is hardly anything worth keeping. Knickers, few games from years ago, couple of bikes, pjs, they have hardly been here in the past 12 months after a fall out with their dad, and wanting to be with their friends.

If I get a solicitors letter I will be very surprised, he won't pay for that!

tribpot Mon 17-Feb-14 13:27:20

It seems like it could be very unfortunate if the garage door got left open in the rain ... I'm not sure how that would happen, of course.

Granville72 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:29:11

I would still get your solicitor to send a letter saying that you have requested him collect his stuff to which he is refusing and it's in the garage. It will cover you if he claims you are liable for any damage if it gets damp etc.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be giving him the time of day. All communication can be done via solicitor (regardless if he has one or not)

LilyBlossom14 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:33:31

when my ex refused to collect his stuff my solicitor wrote to him - 2 weeks to be collected by a third party giving 48 hours notice, otherwise you will presume he does not want his items and they will be sold/given to charity.

He is using his non collection of items as a way to bully/control you still I fear. Give him a deadline. If you leave it on the kerbside you could be accused of fly tipping so don't risk that.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Feb-14 13:38:56

I chucked my ex's stuff away and/or took to charity shops. It was cathartic throwing his junk into skips up at the recycling centre.

louby44 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:59:54

I agree it is all about control. I'm dreading him coming here. This week has been like a new lease of life for me, I'm back in my old bedroom, have sorted out the house and feel more relaxed.

Coming home every night to face him was making me ill. When he finally went I just felt relief.

Lovingfreedom Tue 18-Feb-14 07:08:43

Yes I know that feeling. Personally I wouldn't let him in the house again. Box up his stuff and either get him to collect it or, as I said before, if he's not coming for it quickly, chuck it out. My ex hired a van to pick up the main things but I had it all boxes so he didn't have to step foot inside the house. The rest I chucked.

louby44 Tue 18-Feb-14 08:08:24

Legally he can come back into the house, it's still half his. I don't know if he would dare. I feel very protective over this space now. It's my home after all.

I just worry that he will sit in his new rented accommodation and decide to come to get x, y z - and they be things he knows I want for myself. He just seems to think it's his right to take what he wants. he remembers very specifically what he bought and has taken that.

I just can't believe he's the man I feel in love with, he truly is horrible.

Lovingfreedom Tue 18-Feb-14 08:29:55

I'm not sure if you're married or not. If you are then it doesn't matter who bought what, they are all joint possessions and you decide how to split then out.

These are 'things' is distressing but try to remember that.

Legally he may still own half the house but he has moved out. You can still do everything you can to keep him out.

louby44 Tue 18-Feb-14 10:05:22

No we aren't married (thank goodness) yes I know they are 'things' - but some of these things would cost a lot to replace and they make my life more comfortable.

I just want to sell the house, give him his money, close down the joint account and move on!

tribpot Tue 18-Feb-14 10:27:29

Frankly, any of these things which have sentimental or significant financial value I would be moving out of the house for now. I think you're right that he will exercise his 'legal right' to take stuff simply to punish you. If there's anything you can do without having out in the open for a while, lock it away (pref at someone else's house) until this is done.

lizzzyyliveson Tue 18-Feb-14 10:27:37

Sort out the bank account immediately. Open yourself a new one and make sure that your wages are going into it. Inform the bank that the joint account is going to be closed and get it frozen as soon as your new account is ready. That is way more important than worrying about some old stuff in the garage.

louby44 Tue 18-Feb-14 10:59:29

Bank account and wages were sorted out ages ago.

We still have some joint commitments (mortgage/loan/life insurance linked to the house) which means we need a joint bank account in the short term.

Once the house is sold the joint account will be closed.

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