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Baggage reclaim assclown

(102 Posts)
Justjump Sat 15-Feb-14 23:05:47

A mess of a situation and I've acted badly.
Had an ea rel and never fully moved on despite good advice here, counselling, reading up, hypnotism, weeks on end of Nc- after breaking up we never really broke up, despite the fact he's now with someone else.
Anyway, I guess it's the classic situation that everyone and anyone on the outside of can see straight through but I'm in the fog of it. He says he is obsessed sexually, has me on his mind all the time and we must be out of contact again for a while and etc. The control was often in this sort of push me pull you thing. You'd have thought I'd have had a reality check often enough but apparently not. However big and busy I make my life I always miss him and however much I feel it's safe to go back into contact, it always gets in a mess. Now I need to walk and never look back. it's not as if I haven't done enough reading and soul searching, self flagellation, etc so what now?

AGoodPirate Sat 15-Feb-14 23:09:46

Um, get a hobby?

RhondaJean Sat 15-Feb-14 23:11:51

Yes stop focusing on it and him, find something else to do with your time?

Justjump Sat 15-Feb-14 23:20:29

Seriously, I have done those things. I have an all consuming job and many hobbies! It doesn't work . Nor has reading, counselling, anything.

wileycoyote Sat 15-Feb-14 23:28:42

You know you should but you don't actually want to stop? You like the drama? Bit of both?

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 23:37:17

What's the longest time you have gone nc?

Justjump Sat 15-Feb-14 23:38:21

No it's worse than just liking the drama, though I accept that is part of it. I had genuinely hoped it was love. I know I sound an idiot and that's ludicrous and idiotic, especially as round one of the relationship nearly lost me my work and health. It's just been an endless loop and I have never fully extricated myself. I believe all he says despite it being paradoxical headsoup. I can't really explain. I wish I knew and I wish something would help.

Justjump Sat 15-Feb-14 23:39:36

Nc, about 3 months.

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 23:40:25

3 months?

Well there's your answer. You need at least two years.

Justjump Sat 15-Feb-14 23:50:19

Problem is I don't think ten years would be enough Nc because this one has a hold on me.

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 23:51:27

Do the two years first and then see how you feel.

RatherBeRiding Sat 15-Feb-14 23:56:37

The only thing that will help is walking away, but you have to want to and you don't sound like you want to even though your head knows that you should.

It all sounds rather obsessive and definitely unhealthy. You say he's seeing someone else whilst telling you he can't get you out of his mind?

He's playing you and you're letting him. Take the control back and make a life without him.

AGoodPirate Sat 15-Feb-14 23:59:13

Yeah do the two years then come back and if we need to think of something else at that stage mumsnet will be here! 3 months is nothing.

MsWinnieBaygo Sun 16-Feb-14 00:13:48

It's never 'safe' to get back in contact with someone who has this kind of hold over you however tempting it may be. Therein lies the answer, remain NC forever and he will eventually become a distant memory/regret.

brokenhearted55a Sun 16-Feb-14 00:29:30

Now you go back and read everything on the baggage reclaim website because you aint listening.

You've got as far as he's an assclown....need to read a bit more

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 09:04:50

I have read the book, the whole site, read all there is to read about narcissism, read Lundy, read about trauma bonds, you name it. I spoke to WA, the Samaritans, RC and I had counselling for months. It all sank in, believe me, but when I saw or spoke to him it all made no sense anymore.
I've been really stupid and am at my wits end with it but I wake up and go to sleep thinking of him and have done for years now. I don't even know what it is any more.
Since sometime last year he's been in a new relationship. I thought that that would sort things out, and that realising he was able to cheat and lie in reality (instead of me just imagining) would at last snap me out of it, but no.
I can quite understand how stupid I sound, and unpleasant, for the gf. I want to slap myself! I can't tell a soul in real life anymore as it's been secret that I was meeting him.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 16-Feb-14 09:11:18

What's so great about him? Genuine question. Do you have other people in your life that love you? Family?

Aussiemum78 Sun 16-Feb-14 09:20:34

It is obsessive but it's also addictive.

He is like heroin to you. Toxic and logically you know it.

Emotionally you underestimate how he affects you "I can handle occasional contact, I'm not an addict@, you dramatise in your head "we are soulmates/can't live without each other" and it is this script that keeps you pulled in, and stops you from healing.

Like a smoker who has to break a coffee routine to stop smoking, you need to break the angst/drama in your head while going nc. Change the script to he is not healthy for me, I can do better. Be consistent, reward yourself for being strong, keep at it.

Don't be self defeating - I will miss him forever etc etc. you will get past this.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 09:37:59

That's the question- I have family, friends, dcs, love around me. I am really fortunate in that. He is just the one though. And I don't even believe in the one. After the dcs, he's the person I most like to spend time with. Despite everything, it's incredibly easy to speak to him. He makes me laugh. He is weird and has a different slant on everything. There's intimacy. But as a partner to me he was impossible and the whole relationship is/ was volatile.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 09:42:53

Aussiemum yes exactly. I have never taken heroin but I have smoked. I imagine heroin to have exactly the same effect as spending time with him- it is like being drugged- it's so 'other' to the time I ever spend with anyone else. I am bit sure whether he experiences it in the same way but I think maybe so. And it's never ever been ok to go back, have tried several times at least. Just like smoking, where even one puff could get me back to 10 a day.

Aussiemum78 Sun 16-Feb-14 10:03:00

If the relationship was volatile, why do you tell yourself he is "the one"? If he was the one the relationship would have been better.

See what I mean about the mental "script" keeping you stuck?

Something else that might help is to keep away from all 'romance' in the form of books or films. Unfortunately for you, we live in a culture that makes a big deal out of 'The One' and dramatic, childish, volatile relationships like the one you seem to be so obsessed with. It's actually just misogyny in action: women are supposed to make Romance the focus of their lives and, in the light of that, put up with all manner of crap from men. WHy not try a dose of hardcore feminism to wake you up?
Your family and friends are probably bored shitless with you wailing about this tiresome knobber by now, have you thought of that?

ScottishPies Sun 16-Feb-14 10:29:05

this sounds like a tricky situation - could i ask ...

How long were you together - including the on/off stage?

How long since you seperated?

You said there was 3mths no contact - what happened for there to be contact?

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 10:29:54

solidgold I don't even speak to anyone about it anymore. And believe it or not, I am a feminist activist- that's one of my 'hobbies'!! All the more reason to be so disgusted with myself. I also recognise that he is a misogynist and at the very least controlling. And I KNOW that films are bullshit and have explained this at length to my dcs as well. Honestly, I don't know what is the matter with me- if it fitted logic it would have been over years ago. I don't know if I'm going to have to go in for something very woooo to shake this off, like trepanning or something.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 10:41:31

3 years on and off, periods of Nc of about 6 weeks usually. Can't give too much detail without outing. Nc got to the stage where it was almost killing me, by which I mean seeing the GP about depression as I wasn't sleeping or functioning by that point. Ten or so months since big split.

Stockhausen Sun 16-Feb-14 10:46:44

thanks

I think you need to break the habit, focus on your life & your children. You need to want to do it though, which doesn't sound likely from your posts.

Going cold turkey, change numbers, emails etc etc. Make it harder for him to contact you... unless you are the one breaking nc?

Stockhausen Sun 16-Feb-14 10:49:01

Oh & id seriously consider moving too, a fresh start literally.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 10:55:28

I have considered moving, but can't take dcs from their dad or go without them

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 10:56:02

So the fresh start has to be in my head and it must start.

Aussiemum78 Sun 16-Feb-14 11:09:22

Get rid of anything sentimental, break contact with mutual acquaintances, change your routine.

Book a holiday?

I understand how you feel...

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 11:16:22

Aussie, when he began his new rel I burnt EVERYthing on a bonfire. I really do accept that now is the time for me to get healthy. I have a couple of trips and things booked in. Only one mutual acquaintance but some mutual spaces I can't avoid totally, but can avoid as much as possible. I know that it will lessen given enough time. I think I still have a bit of oxytocin running about in me at the moment, that will go. I will feel a lack though. But the last thing I want is to be the shady ex.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Feb-14 13:47:08

But you haven't even tried!

3 months is nothing. What would you say to someone who tried to give up smoking and wailed, I can't do it, I'll never do it, I've tried everything, nothing works...

When all they did was stop for 3 months hmm

And then they go on and on about how it's killing them.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 13:58:41

Yes that's fair enough. It's not going to kill me, just make me sad and flat but in fact I'm pretty used to that. It's just a case of cutting the crap and getting his voice out of my head.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 13:59:34

I think it's because it's his rules all the time, and they're stupid, arbitrary rules that he breaks anyway.

Stockhausen Sun 16-Feb-14 14:00:35

You could move locally, so you have a new address that he doesn't know.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Feb-14 14:05:21

It's not his rules. His rules mean no more to you than they do to me. The only person stopping you from moving on is you.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 15:20:18

Oh well. I guess I'll get there in the end somehow. I can't see why everything has to be so drastic, why can't people just be friends and everything be ok.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Feb-14 16:24:04

Because that doesn't work for you. Move on.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 16-Feb-14 16:25:18

Perhaps what you are really addicted to is the way he makes you feel about yourself. How you experience yourself in his company.

These sort of obsessive infatuated relationships are often ego states in action with the illusion of an 'amazing connection'.

It can be a form of narcissism and very hard to relinquish because it affects how you view yourself.

It's less to do with 'extraordinary' old him than you may feel. It could be you seeking a particular version of yourself.

Perhaps seek a creative output which makes you feel excited about who you are without any recourse to using his image or your relationship with his image.

I can relate to what you say, and you sound so adrenalised and so excited - that's hard to give up too.

Also, considering walking the walk for your children - whatever you teach them is in contrast to the example you're showing them.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 16:37:09

Atrocious, that makes total sense, thank you so much. Although I know he has narcissistic traits I'm also realising that it's my own reflection there- the ONLY time those parts of me arise are with him- the conversation just bounced along and anything seemed possible, literally anything. Most of the time life is a lot more constraining than that.
It's lonely without him despite the fact I am very lucky really.
I do think though that some things defy rational analysis. I felt the second I saw him that he was it, by which I mean the person I was meant to meet. Yes a load of bollocks out of a Sleeping Beauty DVD but never had that feeling before and I am well on in years.
This is going to be quite a process. I just wonder how to do the days. I have some landmarks coming up but not enough.

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 18:06:40

I'm scared to move on is what it boils down to. Sad this evening. Don't want to go back to where I was a few months ago and will need a massive effort of will.

Stockhausen Sun 16-Feb-14 18:08:31

How old are your kids?

How about you focus on being a good mum?

Justjump Sun 16-Feb-14 19:20:10

They always always come first, then work. That's something he never liked but is non negotiable. Being a good mum is paramount. I'm not going to be weeping into my soup and neglecting them. But a mum is not all I am, while it's the most important part of me. When they're with their dad I work. That's lonely.

You really have got your head stuck up your arse over this. Neither you nor he are 'special snowflakes' with a Twue Luv that is terribly important and misunderstood. He's an unpleasant knob who has dumped you, though he likes to feed his ego by rattling your lead from time to time to see if you will still leap in the air and piddle with joy at the sound of your master's voice.

You need to get over the idea that 'some things defy rational analysis'. There's nothing supernatural about either this dickhead or about you. You're just getting off, on some level, on the idea that you are 'special' and so is your love life. FOr everyone who is into longterm relationships, there is a pretty big pool of other people who are attractive to you, available and not horrible. GO and find another one.

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 08:52:36

Cheers solid- that is the kind of thing I need. Perhaps what defies rational analysis is my own stupidity! I suppose all I meant is that a reason I can't get to grips with this and walk on is because it seems quite foggy and overwhelming and it's cutting it to bare bones I can't do- for example he certainly did dump me, a couple of times, and it floored me both times. But then he remained verbally intense, and physical. So it was hard to make sense of.
Even when he began his new rel he didn't stop that. And no, I didn't stop letting him, although I did begin to journey out through reading and counselling.
That's why I need constant reminders that I need to wake up and see clearly, because he does have enormous sway over me. Of course it's like dog and master because, like all abusive men, he got me very well trained.
Head up arse is about right and I seriously need help to get it out! So please keep talking to me. I mean it that I have tried to escape this, I haven't been able to- yet.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 10:09:23

You haven't tried.

OK, here's a little trick that might help. Make a picture of this man in your mind. Imagine him sitting on the loo, skidmarked pants round his ankles, hair unwashed, nose running nice and green, food stains on his shirt, farting and groaning away and maybe fiddling with his limp willy from time to time. Make the picture as detailed as you can. Every time you think of him, bring up this picture.

(sorry to anyone reading this thread while eating breakfast...)

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 10:35:02

Fairenuff, honestly, I have but failed. This time I need it to be the last. I just don't know what the hell is going to work, though solid's image is most helpful!!
I can understand why you would find this exasperating and want to take the piss, I do too, it's been a year of banging my head against a brick wall. Stupid.
For ages I did not accept he was abusive, it had to be spelled out to me time and time again, by the GP, my counsellor, friends, family, mumsnetters and women's aid.
I just want to cut him, it, out of me.

RandomMess Mon 17-Feb-14 10:40:44

Do you generally struggle emotionally to "feel" things? Whether it be happiness or pain?

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 10:45:16

No, not really, I don't know. I feel both those things often. I feel numb when it comes to him. When I started to fully experience the pain and rage of what he'd done to me I couldn't cope with it.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 10:45:32

3 months isn't trying OP.

3 months is a 'token'.

Like I said, you need to give it two years. Do that first and then come back if you're still so into him.

Guess what? You won't be.

Stop 'trying' and start 'doing'.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Feb-14 11:16:24

This guy is a loser and you are wasting your time with him. He hasn't got a hold on you. He's not thinking about you the way you are about him. You're not special to him and you don't need him. If you were my friend is be telling you to get a grip by now.

RandomMess Mon 17-Feb-14 11:23:26

I wondered if throughout your life you struggled with certain emotions and feeling numb yet with him you got to experience/feel strong emotions and that has been part of the addiction?

Sounds like you need to get in touch with your anger and pain that he has caused that will certainly be one way of staying away from him!

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Feb-14 11:23:58

Hello OP. Is this a guy you have always been in EA with, or have you ever actually been in a normal relationship with him? Ie you've been his girlfriend/ partner?

scornedwoman67 Mon 17-Feb-14 11:35:06

I think you just need to ask yourself how long you want to go on feeling tormented like this. You must just walk away. I can absolutely promise you that things will get easier. I had it done to me a few years back. It is amazing how it messes with your head. Now I look back and wonder what on earth I saw in him. Keep posting on here if you need people to keep supporting you.

DistanceCall Mon 17-Feb-14 12:03:02

Sorry if I'm blunt, but have you tried sleeping with someone else? Not as a prospective relationship (in principle) - just sex with someone you fancy for the pure fun of it.

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 12:22:24

Thank you all. Sorry morris by ea I meant emotionally abusive as opposed to emotional affair. Yes the relationship lasted about 18 months though was LD then sort of carried on in a non existent yet existent sort of way, with Nc periods. The abuse was horrendous but because I thought abuse meant hitting I just did not get it for a long, long, long time.

As for sleeping with someone else, I'm pretty sure that would help cure me tbh but I don't get any opportunity and don't often meet people I fancy/new people.

The emotion I originally felt with him random was utter freedom and joy and aside from the joy of the dcs I haven't ever felt those much. Exactly as I'm told heroin is, then you go chasing after that feeling and never get it back.

piratecat Mon 17-Feb-14 12:26:42

who ends up getting back in contact with who.

if he's in a new relationship, do you mean he has a new ow?

piratecat Mon 17-Feb-14 12:27:20

oops i thought this was an emotional affair.

DistanceCall Mon 17-Feb-14 12:36:39

"As for sleeping with someone else, I'm pretty sure that would help cure me tbh but I don't get any opportunity and don't often meet people I fancy/new people."

Internet dating might be a good idea, then.

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Feb-14 12:38:24

Oh my goodness. Well, you've done all the usual stuff like Lundy, counselling etc and you seem self aware.

I'm not sure what to suggest apart from seeing other people. You say you don't have time, but you do. If this vile specimen was in town you'd have time then?

Make time. Shag somebody normal. I can't see how you would regret it.

DistanceCall Mon 17-Feb-14 12:40:29

And no, it's not like heroin. I've been in a similar situation. It took a rebound relationship (which should have remained a friendly tumble in the hay) and a purely sex-based relationship to get it out of my system. Nothing to do with drugs, I can assure you.

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 14:25:23

Ok I could try the internet but job makes that tricky with pics etc.
It could work. However, it didn't for him, apparently, in that he still claims to think of me etc- more headsoup. Poor woman in the relationship with him. I wonder how many times I was unaware that he was thinking of/shagging someone else while we were together. I suspect many- easy for him during the silent treatment phases for example, or when he was away.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Feb-14 20:30:56

He blew his budget on his advertising campaign. The actual goods? Pathetic. He has nothing to offer you.

All the excitement, the feelings of freedom? Just a dull old illusion.

It's as if he's flogging a fake timeshare in Spain to a gullible pensioner. It's the same psychology. And you're falling for it.

And it's the sunk loss fallacy - you've invested so much already, you can't walk away. So you choose the illusion.

The reality is dull, is everyday.

I'm sure you are an exciting interesting woman. But not right now. Not talking about this very recognisable type of bullshitter.

Go be interesting in a new way, on a new path. Not this tired old gubbins.

<said in friendship> grin

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 20:52:09

atrocious that was brilliant, exactly what I need to hear and realise- I need more of this stuff, it got me through Nc before and will again, it's that crap cutting talk I need as the counter balance to all the moonshine/bollocks.
All this oh I think of you nonstop, we're this, it's confusing stuff, I have let it mess with my head. If a word of it was true there'd be no looking back, he'd be here. And a man worth anything doesn't have sex with someone else when they are in a relationship. A person who could do that has nothing real to give, surely.
Reality isn't dull, but it feels flat sometimes when there's no one intimate to share it with.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 17-Feb-14 21:35:40

I meant the reality of him is dull - the reality of what he has to offer.

But coming down from the excitement and pitfalls of hanging onto a fake 'connection' can feel really flat, I understand.

You've just got to take that on the chin I'm afraid.

There are times when we have to fall back on our own inner resources and just deal with letting go, and rebuilding.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Feb-14 21:48:21

I recommend SGB's creative visualisation technique. It might sound humorous or silly, but it actually works.

<wanders into thread hoping for actual entertaining story about an encounter with an assclown at a baggage reclaim. Wanders off again feeling slightly disappointed and bewildered>

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 22:00:32

Haha annie no just a run of the mill tale of suggestible idiot and charming fake merchant with strong whiff of too much earnest reading of Wuthering Heights. It's also hard to decide who the real assclown is in this story... Sorry to disappoint!! I expect you were one of many!

BOFtastic Mon 17-Feb-14 22:04:01

Have you ever described him as "Byronic"? Because to clear-headed people that just means "moody and self-obsessed". I do think you have got a bad case of Too Much Literature.

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 22:16:54

He is Byronic though....! If Byronic means switching in a nanosecond from ardent, passionate and gorgeous to, well, sulky, ranting, withdrawing, saying vile things, punishing for something you inadvertently did weeks ago, threatening violence and making you feel you have something burning in your throat all the time.. Yes. If Byronic means being on a nonstop roundabout of abuse where you go round to that point all the time.
I just need to remember what it really felt like to be in that relationship as opposed to getting the intermittent charms since. Because it felt incredibly painful.

BOFtastic Mon 17-Feb-14 22:25:48

Oh, he sounds just horrid. Honestly, that childish and manipulative behaviour does not equate to passionate. It is entirely possible to choose a relationship in which all the enthusiasm and passion is focused on how fabulous you make each other feel, it really is. Wouldn't you rather be in one of those relationships where you can still dance to your song in the kitchen when it comes on the radio, and not one of those with blazing rows and silent sulking?

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 23:04:34

Yes. That's what I wanted when I was in it, just found my hopes were often disappointed and I had to be a certain way or life would be made hard- very hard indeed.
It was a long time ago now, really. I just miss 'him' a lot and 'is' a lot although I appreciate I am missing a non existent thing.

Justjump Mon 17-Feb-14 23:36:29

Ok am going to sleep, hoping I will awake to many messages reminding me that he's not a good man and I can move on (fingers crossed)
When I started a thread last year, giving the all the details (had it moved to other place and since ncd) it helped enormously. I wish I had kept it.
From last time, I know that these first days are impossible, then with a dip after a month, then very bad after more than 6 weeks. Last time there was actually less confusion to deal with though, it was clearer, and I was in counselling. This time hurts far less but it's also final and that's scarier.

JackyDanny Mon 17-Feb-14 23:41:04

You have a problem with seeing the truth here.
As has been said it's not some big love story, he has abused you, is probably quite good at it and you are still falling into the 'traps'...
This is not love.
It is an obsession and an illness.

Remind yourself of this each time you want to contact him.
Taking that call, text, meeting, is just like smoking that cigarette...taking that line, drink or whatever.

Have you heard of sex,love and relationships anonymous?
Get help.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 09:16:51

I am not going to contact him, and am going to avoid potential run ins although I can't avoid them all. I'm not so much worried about contacting him.
I'm just worried about the feelings that are going to roll in, if they are going to be the same as last time (s) They may be easier because last time was the end of all illusion that he was normal, reasonable etc, and I think the final cumulative impact of the whole thing hit me all at once.
This time I know he's a person who could cheat as well as all the rest, instead of suspecting. I am just having to process the gap between his words and actions.

DistanceCall Tue 18-Feb-14 11:51:12

Heathcliff was a wanker. Byron was a wanker.

This git is a wanker too.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 11:58:32

Thanks distance
I know I am going to feel better and freer, in a way I already do.
How to stop thinking of him as a 'prize', and how to stop thinking of him as a friend is the key. I did so enjoy talking to him.
Also, to stop thinking 'what was he playing at' and to start thinking 'what was I playing at.

BOFtastic Tue 18-Feb-14 16:04:18

You can't be friends. No way.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 16:27:03

BOF that is the part that really pisses me off the most. I resigned myself long ago to no relationship, in fact, the more counselling I had the less it was resignation and the more it was relief. The annoying thing is that he was pushing for it to be physical. It saddens me that we can't just chat without him dropping one of his drama bombs, which are either sex bombs or never again can we ever speak bombs

bogroll Tue 18-Feb-14 16:44:45

Just a thought, but do you think that all the counselling, self help books and visiting sites such as this is actually keeping you anchored in obsessing about this man and the relationship you had? Almost like it's a substitute for contacting him in some way?
It can be a soothing balm reading about similar situations, writing and talking about your break up and this man, but equally it obviously keeps it to the forefront of your mind.
Does that make any sense?

picklepig Tue 18-Feb-14 17:16:12

JustJump, it's interesting how you seem to want us to tell you to get a grip, pull your socks up, slap round the chops etc etc. I don't wish to offend but something tells me that you are attention seeking, which might be the reason you got a buzz out of a roller coaster relationship, and also from these boards.Maybe you are fixated with your response to emotional drama, like you are living in your own soap opera - being in a traumatised tizz can be intoxicating, ask any teenage girl. In which case, he is the least of your worries. A friend of mine went through something very similar - he was the one, treated her like crap, finished with her without actually telling her, moving on to someone else. After he was gone, she still craved the buzz, and shouted daily into the void for two years. It was about her need for the buzz, not for him.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 17:24:13

OP is obsessing about him on this thread.

Trying to add fuel to the fire.

Not a good idea.

Go and get on with your life now.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 17:35:52

Both of you could well be right. Points taken. The reading was because it was so hard to understand the behaviour and what had happened- I was numb at the end of the rel and after.The emotional fallout of the relationship was horrific and I needed to try to come to grips with it. I still did/do even if I sound flippant or glib, naive or attention-seeking. The split away from common sense/rational thought started during the relationship and I haven't been able to quite get myself back in harmony, literally to pull all parts of myself back together. Perhaps that is because of overthinking it or over reading about it, but without reading and talking I think I'd have maybe been in a worse mess.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 17:38:52

Yes I guess it is just obsessing now. Will get rid of thread and get on with life. Tough love is the best thing.

DistanceCall Tue 18-Feb-14 21:23:16

Therapy might be a good idea. I'm not saying this as an insult - I've had it myself, and helped enormously.

Justjump Tue 18-Feb-14 22:59:29

I'm on a wait list for cbt as the GP thought I had symptoms of PTSD from the abuse- insomnia, flashbacks etc. The counselling was good as it challenged me to think hard about what was really 'missing' and that's when I started to make plans and get things done, to fill life with more efforts to look forwards. I've done a lot so far and know I will get there. I haven't really been alone, without a partner, except for a few months when I was 17, having married very young then without enough gap before this 'relationship' it's a whole new wide world to be alone in and with a lot to learn. That's why dating now would be stupid. This is less about him or me being histrionic and a lot more about fear of being me, alone.

DistanceCall Wed 19-Feb-14 06:22:55

Then you know what to work on. It sounds as though you felt that this person "completed" you in some way, which is co-dependent bollocks.

Being with someone you love and who loves you brings out the best in you - which is already there. Needing someone who gives meaning to your life or makes you feel "whole" is not a good relationship - it's crap.

bogroll Wed 19-Feb-14 09:49:56

Why don't you do what all the other people are doing in the other thread about getting over break ups:

Swimming with sharks...or is that dolphins?
Naked body surfing at midnight
Mad passionate sex with a stranger
Get your hair done
Take up stamp collecting
Volunteer at you local old people's home
shag one of the old boys who lives there
run naked in the sand on bognor beach
drink gallons of wine every evening

That kind of thing.

DistanceCall Wed 19-Feb-14 19:26:32

How incredibly witty of you, toiletroll. I mean, bogroll.

Mad passionate sex with a stranger is actually not a bad idea at all. But then I assume you wouldn't know.

thecircleline Wed 19-Feb-14 22:29:31

OP have you tried ADs? They will help calm you down and get you through this initial up and down bit.

You have to really believe that if he isn't going to treat you as nicely as you deserve to be treated, he really isn't worth your time.

Don't let yourself depend on someone else for your happiness. Sometimes I find it helps to tell yourself everything happens for a reason - and things generally work out ok in the end.

He has been a big part of your life, but now you have the chance to go and make a new future for yourself. You will be happy again! And when you feel up to it, do make an effort to find someone you're attracted to - it'll be fun ;)

Lavenderhoney Thu 20-Feb-14 09:14:13

Forget about ever being in contact with him. It w

Lavenderhoney Thu 20-Feb-14 09:18:39

Sorry - it won't change, he will always mess with your head.

You need to meet someone else really, and there are plenty of people who can stretch your thinking and make you feel amazing.

Thank god he's not running a cult or you would be in real troublesmile

Things didn't end well for Byron or heathcliffe or the people around them. You clearly have the mental tools to stop this, put the books away and go out and meet new people.

maggiemight Thu 20-Feb-14 23:10:18

The emotion I originally felt with him random was utter freedom and joy and aside from the joy of the dcs I haven't ever felt those much. Exactly as I'm told heroin is, then you go chasing after that feeling and never get it back.

* I haven't really been alone, without a partner, except for a few months when I was 17, having married very young then without enough gap before this 'relationship' it's a whole new wide world to be alone in and with a lot to learn*

I don't know how old you are OP, you sound young, but did you maybe go from an unhappy homelife to lurv and marriage in early teens and never sample feelings of freedom or excitement (by yourself, not due to a DP), hence your desperate need for it now, or your sudden discovery of what you think you have missed.

Anyway, I would be interested to know about your childhood, your relationship with your father as this present relationship seem weirdly long if you are truly trying to stop it, as if it is being kept going due to something perhaps unconscious or subconscious from your past maybe?

Isetan Sat 22-Feb-14 07:38:47

This man is no Svengali, he sounds like a bit of a dick wino for some reason satisfied a need in you. The 'power' this man has over you is the power you have surrendered to him so that you can pretend that you have no ultimate control over your obsessive behaviour.

This isn't about him, it's about you. Work on yourself and work out the void within that you chose to fill with this idiot.

CuttedUpPear Sat 22-Feb-14 07:59:55

If you're not going to change your phone number, then change his name on your phone.

Something like Tosser, Loser, Dicksplash usually works quite well.

Just to remind you exactly who is calling when he does, just to get things into context for you.

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MistressDeeCee Sat 22-Feb-14 17:49:02

You'll have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Anything else is just looking for reasons to stay in contact. Stop saying I can't, and say I can. No, it wont be easy. You'll feel down, depressed, have withdrawal symptoms etc..many sad feelings to go through. You dont sound to be doing brilliantly now anyway so why not go for it. You wont die for lack of him and you will come out the other side feeling better, however long it takes. The alternative is to stay as you are, which doesnt make sense. & if one day he goes NC on you and means it - which could very well happen - then you're still going to have the sad loss & angst feelings to deal with anyway. Either way you're not in control of yourself and your situation. So, gain control.

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Stockhausen Sat 22-Feb-14 18:05:27

ODFOD Elizabeth

Locd35 Sat 22-Feb-14 18:33:40

Hi Just. It's not easy to get yourself completely out of such a relationship. Most important thing is to put you first which is must easier said than done. It's hardly ever a sudden thing. I think you take steps. I found Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliott really helpful after preparing mysel with Baggage Reclaim. It involves work but if you really want to be free I think you'll take the time to do it. Best of luck; it is possible for you to get out of it xx

Justjump Sun 23-Feb-14 19:43:18

Was hoping to let thread die as suggested so I don't obsess, seek attention, etc but bogroll and distance's spat then all the lesbian things seem to have brought it back to life. Thanks all for the helpful comments. I will get there, but it's a bit up and down as now all the anger is coming back and that's not good for me- I mean it's good for the Nc, it's not good for me inside though.

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