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I am fed up of my marriage and life

(32 Posts)
kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 22:08:27

I have lived with my dh for over 18 years and been married 6 years. Currently times are hard due to dh being out of work for over 7 months. I don't know if that is the reason, but I think my marriage is almost over.

I have no intention of leaving until dd is older, this is my second marriage and my two older children suffered after my first divorce, I can't put my youngest through that too. Dh and I are civil and friendly, but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this.

Obviously at the moment we have no money, so are unable to do much. But even when we did have money, dh never got involved in excursions at all. I had to come up with any ideas for going out, he would rather sit in front of the tv. He's never played with dd without encouragement, has to be asked to take her with him when he goes somewhere, and seems to think I ask too much, does little at all without being asked. It's as if everything is my responsibility, but he'll help if I ask him to do something.

He hates reality tv, so we watch American dramas that he wants to watch all the time, with me mn'ing on my phone if I get bored. If I want to watch something he will read instead of going in the other room to watch something of his own.

I don't get any time to myself. I have no friends to go out with. I would love a holiday on my own when we have money again, but cannot imagine him coping on his own. I have been away once for 3 days to visit eldest dd, but felt he was doing me a huge favour.

I rarely feel attraction to him. Often find him unkempt and a bit unwashed (and smelly). I do think at the moment he is struggling because of being out of work and am being understanding and supportive and not showing any of the things mentioned above. I know I married him to be with him in sickness and in health etc etc, but do I now accept this is my life? I have watched him try to find a job with what seems minimal effort for too long.

When I married, I didn't realise I had no right to do what I want anymore ...

How does everyone else live in their marriage? Do you have your own spending money, can you go on holiday alone, buy something you want (finances permitting), even if your dh doesn't approve?

Sorry if I sound selfish. I'm not planning on abandoning dh, but feel sad that I am spending my life with someone so lazy, who makes no effort.

Also sorry to anyone who has read my previous posts that have touched on these problems before.

Maybe I just need to snap out of this and accept there is just us and no me. Maybe I expect too much. But I have always tried hard, despite fighting depression and anxiety a lot of the time, tried to be a good parent, earn some money at the same time ... In the meantime dh has put his head in the sand over our increasing debt (due to periods of unemployment - I also wonder if they are due to sick days he took, and he took quite a lot, although not ill), leaving me to deal with it, causing me many sleepless nights and extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Even now, I write a small to do list when I'm at work (I work 3.5 days) and he does most of the things, he is of course meant to spend most of his time looking for a job, but he won't do anything in the garden, including cleaning up after the dog, or filing or tidying the garage or attic ... He never does diy or decorating, doesn't care what the house looks like. He could have done so much with his time at home. At the very least spent quality time with dd when she gets in from school.

Sorry for rambling on. I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe confirmation that this is normal, I should shut up and accept?

Handywoman Sat 15-Feb-14 22:30:53

How old is your dd? When did everything become your responsibility? It's ok not to be happy with this setup. It sounds like your self esteem is on the floor. Have you attempted to address this issue with him before? If so, how did he react?

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sat 15-Feb-14 22:35:17

Of course you shouldn't shut up and put up...but you should try to improve things, change things, discuss things, address things, have counselling, talk...as Handywoman asks, have you told him how you feel?

kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 22:39:26

Handy, dd is 12.

I have tried to discuss things before, but dh hates being criticised and reacts a bit childishly, hitting back at me, not physically but with words, making it all my fault. I don't know what is acceptable. I hate to row with him.

I'm sure I'm not easy to be with too, my hormones are probably a bit menopausal and my libido low. I have 2 cats and one dog dh didn't want - the only time I've put my foot down.

ageofgrandillusion Sat 15-Feb-14 22:42:01

I think you sound a pain in the arse tbh OP. Selfish.

Mrswellyboot Sat 15-Feb-14 22:43:00

I don't think this is normal Kazza. It sounds like he is in a total rut and a bit self absorbed. Of course no one I perfect though and you have to cut a bit of slack. However, the lack of interaction with your child would be very upsetting for me. As for the personal hygiene I would spell that out and even tell him to wash. Take the lead out of the TV until he does (ok, may r that is going too far)

My dh does all the DIY, bins, recycling, puts fresh linen on the bed once. A week. He kisses me when I do anything for him and is always in good spirits and happy. Takes the baby off my hands as soon as he has eaten after work and baths him and plays with him.

Certainly it's not perfect but fundamentally good. I think your dh not washing shows no regard for you. I don't mean to sound harsh.

In saying all this, I wonder does your dh just need a kick up the backside. Spell it out to him. He needs to get a job or at least do she jobs around the house. I wouldn't just give up on it until you really try to get through to him that his life is passing him by and it's not very attractive the way he had let himself go.

flowers

Handywoman Sat 15-Feb-14 22:54:07

So you raise a concern and he takes it personally, so you shut up. You are teaching your dd to replicate this. I think you are entitled to live by your own values, and it's ok to be unhappy about the fact that your dh doesn't interact with his dd or make more of a contribution to family life, not only by trying harder to get a job, but taking the initiative with home life. I get that he is probably at a low ebb, but nobody's happiness is more important than anyone else's. I think you need to be brave, OP and try a new communication style: being assertive and spelling out how important all this is to you.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 22:54:58

That is my worry, that I have no perspective and am being selfish hmm I married very young and my ex was very controlling. I suppose I thought in a marriage both partners should enjoy being together, but also be able to allow each other to spend time apart.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 23:00:35

But if I try to talk, he won't, just clams up, doesn't really do discussing feelings and stuff, it seems.

kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 23:02:16

No, what happens is I raise concerns, he reacts childishly and I get angry and we row. To avoid that I just don't raise the issues at all hmm

Handywoman Sat 15-Feb-14 23:03:13

that's not an excuse, it is making you more miserable, you have to make him talk, kazza ...spell it out to him, if he truly values you as a person he will listen.

AmyTanFan Sat 15-Feb-14 23:04:28

kazza, I don't think you are being selfish at all. In fact, I could have written parts of your post. My husband's whole life revolves around gazing at the television. He did drag himself away for our teenage daughter's parents evening at college the other night but turned up sullen and unshaven.

Sadly, for us it has gone on for years and we are to divorce. I hope that you and your partner can work it out but there are no easy solutions when you are fundamentally different. Good luck!

kazzawazzawoo Sat 15-Feb-14 23:08:44

Sorry to hear that AmyTanFan hmm.

Anomaly Sat 15-Feb-14 23:11:15

Kazza if he really won't talk then you must leave. You're daughter is learning about relationships from you and your DH and at the moment it doesn't sound healthy. You sound miserable and deserve to be happy. If he can change that's great but from what you've posted that sounds unlikely.

ohnothewoodchip Sun 16-Feb-14 07:52:17

It sounds a lot like he's depressed - being out of work for that long would depress anyone! Did he apply for jobs before and get discouraged because of knockbacks, or was he always like this?

When you say he won't talk as he hates being criticised - how are you approaching it? At the end of a long frustrating day, or when you're feeling relatively fresh?

Either way, it's certainly not easy for you, and if he won't talk regardless then I don't think there's a lot you can do to help.

Kazza

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would make plans to leave now and not do this when your DD is older. How many more years do you and by turn she have to put up with this person?.

People may agree to stay together for a limited period of time, for instance until teenagers have completed GCSEs. But one of the key questions to ask is the emotional cost. For some, the cost is too high. Another concern is the kind of a relationship you're modelling for your children. If it's loveless, children may grow up to regard that as the norm. Do you really want your now 12 year old to be learning these sorts of lessons about relationships?.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and in your own respective miseries. Your child is also picking up on all the vibes between you two as well.

I would also think that on some levels H number 2 is not much different from your ex H either. Stonewalling you when you try to talk to him is abusive behaviour; you are basically being instructed by him to put up and shut up.

This comment is concerning:-
"When I married, I didn't realise I had no right to do what I want anymore ...

That is not how marriage actually works and I think you basically chose the wrong men to marry.

You can't burden a child with a choice you've made. They aren't going to thank you for resentment and bitterness or take kindly to being told, "If only you knew what I've sacrificed for you". She could well accuse you of putting him before her.

He will not change, you can only change how you react to him.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 14:43:30

He says he thinks he's depressed now. I don't think he was before. But he has always been like this, not one for talking, unless it's about tv, music, not doing anything unless asked, not spending time with dd unless in front of the tv.

I don't think it's a completely loveless marriage, I just think I have realised he isn't going to change. Before it seemed ok, he wasn't at home all day, he was working, so I didn't mind doing the cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. It has always been frustrating, but I think recent events, i.e no money, can't go anywhere, always together have brought things to a head.

I guess I would just like to know how other people's marriages function. Do you do everything together? Do you get to go away alone? Who chooses what's on tv? Who organises outings? Who does the cleaning, cooking, gardening? Maybe I just crave being in the house alone? He's always here! I go to work 4 days a week but I can't have peace to think there, it's so busy.

Anomaly Sun 16-Feb-14 14:57:32

No we dont do everything together we tend to socialise with friends alone. I tend to clean and garden while he cooks. We agree TV if we're both watching. Occasionally one of us might go to bed early if we want to watch something the other doesn't. I would say I organise more outings but DH will too. I probably do more house stuff and childcare but I work less so it evens out. I think that feeling of wanting alone time is understandable but you might crave it less if you were generally happier.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sun 16-Feb-14 15:14:57

This was normal for me - for far too long. I lasted out till DC were grown, and I had given up on my Ex doing anything much round the house (except take over the cooking, which I liked and would have preferred to do as a partnership) or bringing in an income.

And he was always there!! On the computer, either a game, or in later days starting an on-line collectables business.

Get yourself out, for walks, for a coffee on your own, for anything really. (In my case a night at a Premier Inn worked wonders for thinking things through away from him.)

ageofgrandillusion Sun 16-Feb-14 15:21:29

He sounds pretty pointless OP the way you describe him. Which does rather beg the question, why did you marry him?

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 17:14:14

Thanks for the replies.

The lack of money has put paid to going out at the moment hmm When he's working again I will make sure I get out sometimes.

I married him because I loved him. When we didn't have children it didn't seem to matter as much. We were both at work, the house didn't get untidy, so not as much housework. We have the same taste in music and went out a fair bit. Now we can't do that.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sun 16-Feb-14 18:41:43

Well, just the walks then. But somewhere out and on your own.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 20:07:46

smile I walk the dog every day smile

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sun 16-Feb-14 20:22:36

You know what, I used to be put off going out because I knew when I got back things would be just the same. In the back of my mind I was afraid that I wouldn't come back at all.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 22:39:27

Thanks for understanding Temperamental smile

On one level I do love him, I hope that some time apart when he's working again will help us. I definitely am not going to leave whilst dd is still living at home. I couldn't live with myself. I am sure at the moment we are still ok in front of her and at the moment she is seeing that dads can cook and clean and mums can go out to work, which she didn't see before. I will keep reassessing the situation, but hope that I never feel it will be better for her if I leave him. She still gas a functioning family around her and that is important.

Someone said I have low self esteem and they are right. I don't know how to change that though. I am trying. I'm fighting depression and anxiety problems also and it is so hard to get up every morning and go to work, I am proud of myself that I manage it and do my job well.

Maybe things will pick up when dh finds a job.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 22:40:29

She still has a ...

Damn phone!

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Sun 16-Feb-14 23:06:37

It sounds like he is pulling his weight around the house, which is more than mine did. And I know from first hand experience that having a job can lead to depression, was that the case with him? OTOH having a job can also improve mental wellbeing, I hope he gets something and then you'll have a clearer picture of whether this is you both stressing under difficult circumstances.

I was lucky in that I had the option of being a SAHM for some time, which I liked. But the underlying problem of my Ex being somewhat unambitious and frankly no fun was a slow but deadly one.

kazzawazzawoo Sun 16-Feb-14 23:21:49

No, he was not depressed before. I'm sure it's linked to being out of work. So there is a chance things could get much easier when he's working again.

He does what I ask him to do, but no more. I find it difficult, having responsibility for organising everything all the time and would love him to take over occasionally. Maybe that's just the depression talking.

Last time I confronted him about the fact I thought he wasn't trying hard enough to find a job he accused me of only thinking about myself. The problem is, yes, I have been feeling sorry for myself, suffering with such anxiety, the panic attacks and he never asked how I was, in 12 years of depression. On the other hand if he doesn't talk to me about how he feels, how can I know how bad it is? I have given up talking about how I feel, because he doesn't seem to know what to say, so says nothing, which makes me feel stupid, as if I need to keep it to myself and not talk about it. I have no one else I can talk to.

Bedtime1 Mon 17-Feb-14 06:55:12

I think it's the lack of communication and not knowing how to that is spoiling things coupled with both being depressed. Being out of work is awful and that definitely will make him depressed. The longer hes out of the work the more depressed and when depression sets in the further you go into a hole and lacking motivation and hope.
If he gets a job it will make things easier.

Bedtime1 Mon 17-Feb-14 06:57:05

Could you help him a bit with job applications and his cv etc. getting back to work will really help. Does he exercise ? because that will help his mood

kazzawazzawoo Mon 17-Feb-14 10:00:00

Thanks Bedtime. I do sit with him, looking for jobs on my days off. We have been through his cv and also the job centre sent him to a cv day.

kazzawazzawoo Mon 17-Feb-14 10:26:01

He doesn't exercise, doesn't like to, but I do often drag him out to walk the dog with me!

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