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think I'm done

(208 Posts)
onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 09:56:59

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terriblesad . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

greenhill Sat 15-Feb-14 10:08:24

That's such a shame: to have put so much effort in and he prefers to be alone with the Internet or texting his daughter. Is he stressed about something? Do you think he will perk up later for the party?

I don't think you are in a healthy relationship if you feel you have to apologise for making arrangements that each child has chosen for him to enjoy. I'm not surprised you feel hurt, he sounds really ungracious and as if he is not making any effort with your relationship. Do you feel as if he has you being his housekeeper and bringing up his children?

LEMmingaround Sat 15-Feb-14 10:11:02

oh im really sorry - it sounds like the end of the line to me sad

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 10:16:24

for a long time now I have felt like a single parent in a relationship. we dont particularly share anything. we eat seperately, parent seperately etc. our kids are very different. his are older and very quiet. mine is loud and wants everything. im just fed up. he wouldn't say what he wanted but then made it clear without saying it that I had let him down.
this afternoon we are going to have photos taken. one child off to uni this year so we thought it was a good idea even though he hates having his photo taken. dreading it now.

Joules68 Sat 15-Feb-14 10:32:32

Just don't go then

Just stop with all the birthday fuss and leave him to it

Take your dd out and think about a future with just the 2 of you. I'd disengage right this second

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 10:51:11

am waiting to see whats said when he gets up. if still unpleasant daughter and I will be out of here.

Hassled Sat 15-Feb-14 10:53:23

Is he struggling with being 50? I know some people find it very hard. Is that making his behaviour worse that it would otherwise be?

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:21:44

no I don't think so. his main worry at present relates to his daughter going off to uni in sept although this isn't confirmed yet. I know he really wanted to be somewhere warm for his birthday but we just cant afford it. it felt like he was saying ' is this it?'. he wouldn't actually say that out loud though. trying to work out how I manage the photo session now. we are due there at 1 and he's still in bed. I don't think he will want to do that either sad

Joules68 Sat 15-Feb-14 11:23:24

Just leave the photo session..... He clearly doesn't want it

Really feel for you and your dd sad

yourehavingalaugh Sat 15-Feb-14 11:27:06

Well don't bother then. He is rude and ungrateful. Even if the spa wasn't really his thing he could have gone along with it as you had gone to so much trouble. Does he actually want to be with you?

yourehavingalaugh Sat 15-Feb-14 11:27:28

I would cancel it all rather than put on a brave face.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:30:21

hes up and avoiding me.

RandomMess Sat 15-Feb-14 11:35:19

Why don't you and your dd go to the photo session together and leave him to his sulking?

RollerCola Sat 15-Feb-14 11:39:53

Oh OP this is outrageous behaviour from your dp. It's the sort of thing my exh used to do as well so I feel for you. I hated arguing so just used to take it, he sulked and avoided me and I just grew more and more resentful.

The only thing I can suggest is a full-out discussion about what he's sulking about and why he's so ungrateful for the trip/party etc.

If there isn't a MASSIVE reason for why he's behaving like this then I'm afraid I'd be out of there to. This is no way to live. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be treated with respect.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 11:40:28

cant even speak to him im so angry.

canweseethebunnies Sat 15-Feb-14 11:40:31

Go to photo session with your dd. Take his kids too if they want to come.

RollerCola Sat 15-Feb-14 11:55:42

Ok just say calmly to him

"It's clear that you're in no mood to celebrate your birthday so I'm cancelling everything I've organised for you"

Then go out with your dd.

pinkpaws Sat 15-Feb-14 12:32:51

I am so sorry to hear how childish and horrid your partner is being. You have put together a lovely birthday I wish my husband gave me so much thought. Which leads me to my next point would he have put as much thought and love into sorting something special if it had been your birthday. If the answer is NO then why are you staying what are you getting from this relationship and also would your children not be better of having their lovely mum back to themselves once again. You might also find if you leave it might just be want he needs to make him pull himself together if not then you know you where right to leave good luck.

perplexedpirate Sat 15-Feb-14 12:43:22

I would find it very annoying if I had said I didn't want to do anything for my birthday and was then expected to participate in an 'action-packed weekend'.
Why have you arranged a photo session if you know he'll hate it? It sounds like you're doing what you would like and haven't thought about what he would want at all.
If you aren't getting on generally, that's a different issue, but I couldn't blame him for being pissed off about the enforced fun weekend.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 15-Feb-14 12:49:54

sad so sorry.

If he's anything like my ex he'll perk up at the 11 th hour! Then you'll be fuming whilst he laughs and parties with everybody else!!!!

I'd go out and leave him to it!!

WhateverTrevor83 Sat 15-Feb-14 13:11:14

What are the ongoing issues with how he treats your DD? That's more concerning to me than him behaving like a baby today. If he is particularly looking forward to seeing his kids which is fair enough (although doesn't justify ignoring you!) the I would hold off on photos etc. I agree it's best to smile through rest of day/weekend - but id be paying close attention to your daughter if they don't get on and she is seeing how much of a pig he is being to you today.

You could say that you're disappointed that he didn't enjoy hotel but explain you think he has been a bit rude/ungrateful. No need for a scene but he needs to know how shit he has made you feel.
If you had forgotten his birthday fine but you've actually gone to lots of effort :-(

Good luck xxx

Lizzabadger Sat 15-Feb-14 13:17:46

Get rid.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 17:00:48

thanks all. I offered to cancel the photos but got no response. the kids were excited so we carried on. he came with us and sat on the floor. refused to be involved in any photos- his choice. it was arranged so that he would have a lovely family photo with his two children before the oldest leaves for uni. he missed that chance. what he will have is a beautiful photo of his two children.
the rest of the activities are things which he usually loves - thats why they were chosen, to have a fun weekend together. we have been carting this afternoon but he chose to sit and watch. too tired to take part as he hasn't slept.
tomorow ice skating. but if hes opting out we won't be going. I've had enough. just the family party to get through tonight- again something I know he would normally love.
as for would he do the same for me? no he wouldn't. we both know that.

Doha Sat 15-Feb-14 17:03:36

I would cancel the ice skating now. What right does he have to call the shots. he had his chance today and both last night and today was spoiled by his childish behaviour.
He is a prize twat.
Do something nice with you DD tomorrow instead. leave him to make his won entertainment.

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 15-Feb-14 20:26:34

Or leave him at home whilst you and the kids go skating... I would be stoked if someone had planned such a thoughtful birthday weekend for me. I wish you'd planned my 40th!

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 20:57:30

I can't believe you are still giving him the option of taking up his birthday treats. Why are you doing this?

God, I wouldn't be able to put up with the miserable PA sod, I'd call him out on his spiteful attitude right in front of all his family at his party.

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 23:11:23

party over and his elderly parents and kids are ok and happy. not a word of thanks from him. I'm sleeping on sofa tonight. im not being unreasonable am I? honestly the weekend was planned with the kids. he wouldn't say what he wanted so I decided to give him a weekend of happy memories. more fool me.

Handywoman Sat 15-Feb-14 23:13:39

I think you have been more than reasonable. Enjoy your own space (even if it is a sofa). Did he appear to enjoy the party?

onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 23:25:08

thanks. I will sleep well tonight. didnt get a great night last night. I think he did enjoy the evening. ive done my to sleep now. thanks all for your support.

onemoredayplease Sun 16-Feb-14 18:42:54

shitty day today. cancelled the skating and meal out. hes not said a word about it. I cant speak to him im so annoyed and upset. his normal pattern is to just avoid talking about any issues and waiting for them to blow over. his kids go back to their mum any minute. not sure what to do or say. feel sick. I feel if I let this go I am saying he can treat me as he wants. shitty day sad

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 18:52:53

sad is the somewhere you can stay overnight? With a friend? To get some headspace? Poor you. I'm so sorry this is happening.

CynicalandSmug Sun 16-Feb-14 19:08:14

What an awful time you are having. I wish you could plan my 40th, sounds like you know how to put together a thoughtful family/friend orientated few days. What a miserable old sod he is.

Is this the life you want to continue with? Can you see things improving?Like handy I think you could do with some away time to think.

onemoredayplease Sun 16-Feb-14 19:12:44

am I over reacting?

Fairenuff Sun 16-Feb-14 19:17:10

I feel if I let this go I am saying he can treat me as he wants

I agree 100% and you are not overreacting.

I would wait until the children are gone and then say to him "What the hell is wrong with you?"

It might all come out.

Any chance he could be seeing someone else. He has emotionally distanced himself which is usually one of the signs.

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 19:17:18


RandomMess Sun 16-Feb-14 19:17:31

No you're not, he can't even be bothered to communicate with you about it. So regardless of what you have done wrong in his eyes his behaviour over it is unreasonable.

whitsernam Sun 16-Feb-14 19:20:44

Wow! Just. Wow. I cannot imagine living with someone who acts this way, especially when you made such nice arrangements for including his kids in his special day.

I hated my 50th..... but it comes anyway!! And I can't see behaving this way with the kids..... Please do take some time to spell it out to him what effect this has on everyone, and also time for you to think alone. Pamper yourself if you possibly can. [chocolates]

LemonIsTheNewLime Sun 16-Feb-14 19:21:46


onemoredayplease Sun 16-Feb-14 19:26:24

he is just acting as if hes done nothing wrong. the kids are hiding in their rooms. his 2 dont know what the hell is going on. mine knows im unhappy with his behaviour. its just all so weird. I didnt see this coming at all. theres no way hes having an affair. he (we) never go anywhere.

Handywoman Sun 16-Feb-14 19:26:50

If you can't face the confrontation tonight, OP, tell him you're going out with a friend to chill after a busy weekend. Or something. Then get some real life support. Hugs to you.

CynicalandSmug Sun 16-Feb-14 19:28:35

Overreacting? No. Not at all. But I think that as you have had to ask you need time to get things into perspective, gather your thoughts, before deciding how to proceed.

CynicalandSmug Sun 16-Feb-14 19:29:36

Is here any chance he is having a breakdown?

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Feb-14 19:31:05

Given how closely involved the children were in the planning, they must feel pretty rejected and upset too. I feel for all of you. His behaviour is beyond the pale.

eddielizzard Sun 16-Feb-14 19:31:37

sounds to me like you're at the end of your tether and he certainly isn't making any effort. he sounds like a spoilt brat. what was he expecting? a fortnight in the carribean???

Fairenuff Sun 16-Feb-14 19:32:39

I would tell him that I was absolutely disgusted with his behaviour. He let his children down and has behaved like a spoilt child.

I would ask him what he thinks he's playing at because at the moment he is looking like a right tit.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 19:33:05

My ex husband was having an affair and he didn't go anywhere, either. It was with a married woman from work and it all went on at work and after work. I wondered why mine wasn't happier (I would've been bloody delighted if I was having an affair, given how miserable he was) but in fact it had been going on for years and had gone past that heady stage.

I wonder whether he was definitely texting his daughter that night. I bet you didn't see the texts, did you?

It does sound to me as though he thinks there's a better life out there for him and that's usually because there's someone out there offering that.

I was shouting at the screen when I saw you'd slept downstairs. Don't do that again. Go to bed first and tell him to fuck off and sleep wherever else he wants.

He's made everyone unhappy this weekend - it's time he suffered now.

You are definitely not overreacting, I'd say you're underreacting.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Feb-14 19:35:22

What are you waiting for ?

Give him both barrels and tell him to Fuck right off

You already sound like you pussyfoot around his fucking majesty

End it before he makes a bigger mug of you in front of your kids

WhateverTrevor83 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:47:37

How's it going OP? X

SerenaBracken Sun 16-Feb-14 19:53:17

You sound like a single mum of three who has a mad neighbour plaguing you all.
What would you do in that instance?

onemoredayplease Sun 16-Feb-14 20:06:17

hes just gone to drop kids back. still no word from him on any of this. what the hell has happened? I just dont understand where its all come from. we were trying to give him a good weekend in the end we had a crap, crap weekend. I just feel so hurt under the anger, like I don't know him at all. I obviously got it so wrong. but I don't know how.

SerenaBracken Sun 16-Feb-14 20:11:31

Apologies OP, I posted on the wrong thread. So sorry.

bumbleymummy Sun 16-Feb-14 20:16:34

Not making excuses for him but is he maybe feeling a bit crap about turning 50 and just not in the mood to celebrate it?

AnyFucker Sun 16-Feb-14 21:07:09

OP, I suspect this is actually nothing to do with what you have or haven't done at all

onemoredayplease Sun 16-Feb-14 21:11:05

what is it then? im lost.

I'm afraid I'd point out (again) that I'd really tried to make his weekend great, but it's extremely clear he doesn't want to be where I am. So I'd ask him to leave, go where I'm not! I'd help him book a Travelodge, no problem.

Then I'd snuggle down with the TV, beer and some chips, and get a good night's sleep.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Feb-14 21:21:53

you are blaming yourself when you know you have done all you can (and more besides) to make his weekend a memorable one

he has shown fuck-all appreciation for that, even if some of it was not what he would have chosen himself

look to his behaviour, not your own

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 16-Feb-14 21:57:26

look to his behaviour, not your own

Yup. OK, let's play. If we assume he's pissed off because he wanted a quiet weekend (or a week in Barbados), it was up to him to say so. He left you twisting in the wind. You came up with a lovely celebratory weekend, involving the kids etc. he's throwing his toys out of the pram? Twat. You deserve better. There are partners out there who would really treasure the lovely weekend you organised. Throw this one back and find one of the good ones.

babyheaves Sun 16-Feb-14 22:48:31

He spent the weekend making you feel like crap when you'd acted with good intentions. That was mean behaviour and you didn't deserve to be treated like that.

For a 50yo he was very childish.

manaboutthemaison Sun 16-Feb-14 23:01:20

I will be 50 in September. I hate a fuss being made for my birthdays to the point of trying not tobe around at the time ( usually take wife away )

However if my wife and kids had organised something like this I'd be absolutely blown away. You all did brilliantly He on the other hand Is a class 1 bell end.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 10:17:52

How are things today OP. Did you speak to him?

RandomMess Mon 17-Feb-14 10:29:59

My H did nothing for my last big birthday, I was incredibly hurt (I'd told him for 5 years what I wanted to do) at the last minute a friend invited us all around hers for the day. Even though I was very upset and hurting, about the milestone birthday AND my h's behaviour I made the best of the day for my dc sake because they (nor my firend) deserved to suffer because of how I felt.

So your P is being a complete arse, how dare he treat you and dc like that!!! Talking to you in a grown up manner about it would be acceptable but shitting on the parade set up and chosen by all of you is disgusting behaviour.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:38:25

I still want to know what the 'ongoing issues' are with the way he is with your daughter? As per the last sentence in your post. What's that about?

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 12:49:17

no I didnt speak to him. he was trying to do the 'nothings wrong' act. trying to make conversation about what was on tv etc. daughter and I are off to stay with family tonight. he will come home to a letter saying I have had enough and I wonder if he has too. this isn't right. I know it. I am telling myself that it mght just kick his arse and make him think about how he feels. in reality I think he will just let me walk. the issue with my daughter? I'm a single parent in a 6 year relationship. he plays no active role in her life. whilst I know he's not her dad a bit of support would be helpful. we both work full time. I start at 6.30 to walk my dog, then sort daughter out, make lunches, do full day at work, cook tea for daughter and I ( he usually doesn't want what we have, hence we eat seperately), I then do homework with daughter, chores, put her to bed and sit down around 9. by the he has soaked in the bath for 2 hours. im done. ive tried and ive failed.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Feb-14 13:34:37

How is this even a relationship ? confused

you are best to jettison it...make a better life with no selfish manchild poisoning the atmosphere for you and your little girl

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 13:56:50

He won't be a great loss.

In fact, you will be so much better off without him. You will be happy.

I can see nothing here to salvage. Make the letter a Dear John and have a good, clean break from this millstone.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 14:46:57

still doing the nothings wrong bit sad

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:11:34

I want to give you and your daughter a massive cuddle - hope you can move on xxx

AnyFucker Mon 17-Feb-14 15:12:20

Yep, if he does the "nothing wrong" shtick for long enough he thinks you will give up and STFU

will you ?

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 15:53:31

OP I honestly don't know how you can bite your tongue. What are you scared of?

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 19:52:24

I feel calmer away from home. the letter I left pulled no punches. hes well aware that I am about to walk.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 19:54:09

I think being away from him is a good idea. It must be so depressing having to face him when he is gaslighting you like this.

Are you out overnight, or does that depend on his response?

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 19:54:57

I'm not scared of anything by the way. but equally im not rushing out the door. I will need to live with this decision.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 19:56:44

I just wonder why you don't talk to him about it. Leaving a letter would indicate that you don't feel up to facing him and I was wondering why.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 19:57:10

not sure what gaslighting means? we are here overnight. he has text and told me he loves me and has stuffed up. I need to digest that and think it through. promises aren't enough.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 19:59:42

Its more that he won't talk. if I try he doesn't normally respond, will leave the room then not speak to me for days. with a letter he can't get away. its there. I can explain fully and he can keep reading it.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:04:48

have a look at this

It's not the best website on gaslighting but it will give you an idea. You can google more yourself.

If he won't talk and walks away this is a form of control. It is actually abusive behaviour designed to make you do what he wants.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:05:13

Did you hand him the letter or just leave it somewhere?

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:11:41

I left it. I know he has read it. it was left for him because if I had been there I don't think he woukd have read it. this way if he wanted to kmow where I was and why he had to read it.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:13:46

How do you know he read it?

Handywoman Mon 17-Feb-14 20:15:22

I think if it has come to this (leaving him a letter is the only way to get through to him) this ship has sailed. What is there to save? Very sad. Please stay strong OP.

pictish Mon 17-Feb-14 20:15:42

Oh God...he sounds abysmal!
Where's the fun in life, spending it with this miserable, ungracious drip? life. Live it.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:21:36

the contents of his text relate to what was in the letter so it has been read as I knew it would be.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:24:21

looked at the gaslighting link. some of it could apply I guess. I just feel so sad and disappointed sad

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:25:18

Ah ok, that's good, so you know he read it. Did he mention anything about it his text. I'm just so astounded at his behaviour OP and you seem to take it in your stride as if you are used to it.

If this was my dh he would be on the phone like a shot, apologising for being an idiot and begging me to come home and let him make it up to me.

His behaviour is not normal you know.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:26:03

How long are you planning on staying away, just overnight?

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:34:21

we are just away tonight. I'm back at work wednesday.
I am a calm person and to be honest I didnt expect a response at all. I thought he would let me walk judging by his past responses when I've tried to speak to him. he hates conflict and is very passive aggressive. I can deal with that to an extent. I do however know what my bottom line is
1. his relationship with my daughter
2. his behaviour at the weekend

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:36:27

isn't it normal? he has said he's not going to have a conversation by text so will wait till I get home. I know he will be dreading it as he hates that type of conversation but he does know very clearly that I am ready to walk.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:36:51

I am a very calm person too but I would speak to my dh if he did this. Not shout, row or argue but ask him for some straight answers to some straight questions.

However, I think you are beyond rational discussion. I'm glad you have set your boundaries, now all you have to do is enforce them. Don't let him fob you off.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:37:25

No, it is not normal, really x

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:37:57

got to go, will check in later. I am grateful for all your support. im finding this really hard.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:38:22

He doesn't have to have a conversation by text, does he? He could call on the phone and speak to you in person.

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:38:41

im not good at enforcing sad

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 20:40:00

yes, realistically I know that. he could phone, he could turn up. im not that far away. got to go, daughter is shouting me.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 20:40:17

We can help you with that smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 17-Feb-14 20:42:28

He's playing a game of 'push me, pull you' with you, OP. You've lived together for some time, he's seen you in bits at the way the birthday weekend has gone. He could have ended your misery at any time since you've been home, even if he couldn't pull himself together at the hotel.

He did. He chose to carry on ignoring you. You've left him a letter; I think that you've left it open-ended and because you don't really want to end it, you're still 'fair game' to him. You don't really need to digest his texts, do you? If he would have anything about him, he would be coming to where you are and begging to talk to you properly.

Texts are cheap, predictive text takes care of all the word - and they're impossible to fathom correctly because there is no indication of mood or inflection of voice.

If it were me, OP, I'd be thinking about what I want, what my daughter needs - and never mind his wants. He wasn't thinking of you then and funnily enough, he isn't now. Put yourself and your daughter first and if it helps, follow the advice you'd give her were she in your position later on.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 17-Feb-14 21:34:24

Lying I don't always agree with your posts but you're really smart - and you're bang on here in my experience :-)

Does anyone at work know what the plans were at the weekend OP? People may ask you about it and it's always good to get perspective of people who know and interact with you in RL.

How's your daughter? X

cjel Mon 17-Feb-14 22:08:56

I just wanted to pick up on the point that you think you've failed. You really haven't and if this man isn't being part of dds life you are succeeding in wanting the best for her, (((hugs)))

onemoredayplease Mon 17-Feb-14 22:51:50

thanks all. daughter is good. she enjoys being with our family so this is an unexpected treat. we have talked tonight. she wanted to talk about the weekend. I have been honest and said that I am angry and upset by partners behaviour. this seemed to make her brave and has allowed her to talk about how she feels at home. not easy to listen to but out in the open now. she also said she would love it if it was just the two of us again.
I have resisted answering the text. I know if he was truly that bothered he would be here. he may love me to bits but thats not enough to bring any sort of reaction. strange but it reminds me of when my mum was seriously ill. he would text to see how I was (she lives 100 miles away) but he never offered to be there with me. when I actually asked and arranged it all he came.

Fairenuff Mon 17-Feb-14 23:58:04

Actions speak louder than words OP, as you have realised. Your dd is a canny girl, she can see him for what he is. Please be very strong and brave for her and get him out of both your lives.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Feb-14 00:02:19

I think you should listen very carefully indeed to your dd

She has the measure of him

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 10:13:29

believe it or not I have talked this through with my x husband. he knows me better than most and tells it as it is. he too thinks this is an unhealthy relationship. my daughters words will give me the strength I need I hope to see this through. I have thought about leaving many times before but have always pulled back in the hope things will improve instead they have got infinitely worse. in many ways he is a lovely man. but its the bits that really matter that are missing.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 10:43:47

It's good that there are people around you who can see what he is like and how this is affecting you. It helps to give you perspective. Keep reading up on gaslighting, it sounds like you have been doubting yourself for a while.

Start putting plans into place so that you know where you stand financially, etc. if you leave. Who's name is the house in?

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 11:08:05

have been reading up on passive aggressive too. my family are around me and supporting me. financially we will be fine. everything is in joint names and its a house that should sell as its in a popular area. it will be tough till we are out of there. but there will be our own little home at the end of it. it all feels so surreal. last week we were excited at a fun filled weekend. today im thinking through where we would live etc.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 11:54:10

When are you going to speak with him, this evening?

It does sound miserable.
You need to listen to your DD as she should come first.
Also look up 'stonewalling'
I hope you keep that strength.
Everyone is telling you this is unhealthy and you know it deep down.
You don't need a man to make you happy - as quite clearly this one is making you and your DD miserable.
Get away asap.

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 12:36:26

yes, I'm home this evening so expect we will talk then. I haven't heard anything else from him. all I can think is if you wanted me you would have done more than send one text. how can he think thats an appropriate response to your partner of 6 years saying she's had enough? and whats the rationale behind making me wait? is it to wear me down? what the hell do I say?

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 12:41:44

Tell him you are at the end of the line. Finito. What more do you need to say ? It's entirely your choice whether to stay in this damaging relationship. You don't have to justify yourself to him (he wouldn't listen anyway, so don't waste your breath)

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 17:17:52

Agree that he won't listen and he won't change. You've tried that before anyway and he didn't change did he. Don't waste any more time on him.

Leave. If he really wants you, he will come after you. Do you really think that will happen?

pinkpaws Tue 18-Feb-14 17:46:56

Hope things go well not sure what that would mean because as you have said your done with him . I hope he acknowledges your feelings and talks honestly to you but from what i have read that seems unlikely . Let us here on musnet know how things turn out you have all our support .

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 18:56:39

thanks all. I feel sick. hes not home yet. but still don't know what words will come out my mouth.sad

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 19:04:35

Tell him that you want him to sit down at the table with you. Look him in the eye and ask him to explain his behaviour over the last four days. Then say nothing. Let the silence drag on. And on.

If he attempts to get up and leave, tell him you are not finished, you want some answers.

Whatever he does tell you, don't respond straight away. In fact, you could take notes of the main points. Just nod and take it all in. Then you can have some thinking time before you respond to him.

He might, of course have some big revelation that could surprise or even shock you. If that's the case, tell him you will need to take some time to think about it.

He might say that, for him, the relationship is over, in which case you will be on the same page and can make arrangements to separate amicably.

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 19:07:33

no his text said he didnt want us to be over. oh god. I hate this. feel sick and anxious.

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 19:10:43

I think over the last 24 hours his behaviour has become less of an issue to me than how my daughter feels. that is what would need to change hugely for me to continue here. its clear she wants out of the current situation.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 19:11:59

He might not want it to be over but it's not just him that gets to make that decision is it. He treated you very badly, he stonewalled you and refused to explain his disgusting behaviour.

He really thinks that he can walk all over you. He expects you to just accept that he was having an 'off' weekend. Or feeling miserable about being 50 or some other such nonsense.

None of that excuses his behaviour and that fact that he thinks he has a right to behave like that.

Let him stew, let him be upset, let him cry like the baby he is. You leave with your head held high. If he is that desperate to keep you, he will come running.

He's not home yet and he hasn't called you while you were away or asked the family to babysit so that he could take you out and talk with you.

FFS the man has done nothing to make amends. Nothing.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 19:12:38

Keep that lovely girl at the front of your mind. She deserves better than this, you both do.

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 19:16:25

hes swimming with son. does it every tuesday. obviously didnt think he needed to change his routine. thank you. I can't tell you what a support you have been. my rl best friend is struggling with depression so I don't want to drop this on her.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 19:18:49

He clearly doesn't think that your letter was serious enough to warrant him changing his routine. He just isn't taking you seriously all round. He will probably walk in and ask you what's for dinner.

Lifeisaboxofchocs Tue 18-Feb-14 19:24:41

Oh i feel for you OP. Sounds horrendous.
The description of your relationship aside from this weekend is very troubling. This is not how a loving supportive relationship works. It seems to me like two strangers living together, and occasionally two enemies.

I do have to say that I am a little baffled why you went to such an incredible effort for him given the fact that the relationship is appalling. It strikes me that he used the effort you had gone to as another weapon in the silent war between the two of you.

Deeply unhealthy and upsetting for all concerned.

onemoredayplease Tue 18-Feb-14 19:24:49

god knows. I just want it over with.

Destinysdaughter Tue 18-Feb-14 19:46:39

Just read your thread. I really feel for you, you have tried so hard and got so little back. He sounds selfish and very passive aggressive. Love is about actions and he doesn't demonstrate he loves you at all. Sounds like he takes you for granted. I think you would be so much happier if it was just you and your daughter. Think about what YOU want and remember you are entitled to feel angry. Good luck!

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 18-Feb-14 20:08:02

OP, has it crossed your mind that he is deliberately stringing this out tonight because he knows full well you will be stressing out just now

you have us, stay calm and focussed x

cakehappy Tue 18-Feb-14 20:14:14

God, what a deadbeat. You sound very patient and loving and longsuffering!! He just sounds like a twat. Totally emotionally deadsad don't put yourself or even more importantly your daughter in this situation anymore. By the way, he won't change. He doesn't care enough and thus behaviour is just tooooo ingrained. Just do what you need to do and get out.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 18-Feb-14 22:31:56

So even when your Mum was seriously ill, he still did as little as he could get away with? He will ever change. His behaviour is piss poor!
Stand your ground. You need more in your life than this minimalist effort. He doesn't engage at all. The common saying on here, 'He has checked out of the relationship'. With him it sounds like he barely checked in! Leave. You will sprout wings, big shiny flappy ones and you will find someone that would give you the courtesy of more than one poxy text!

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 22:54:03

Are you ok OP?

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 07:19:17

yes. hes not said a word

Handywoman Wed 19-Feb-14 07:36:42

Really? Acted as normal? If you can't face talking to him then just leave!

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 07:37:35

weird. not a word except that he has already walked the dog and daughter can stay at home with him today instead of going to playscheme. WTF?

pinkpaws Wed 19-Feb-14 07:38:30

I am heading out to work but wanted to check in and see how you are . I hope you feel you have made some progress or both you and your daughter sake. I feel an empathy with you my husband is not unlike yours and ask me to go to a important hospital appointment coming up on my own he has a work thing (minor). But any how hope things are brighter take care.

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 07:38:44

hes tip toeing around me. but has not acknowledged an problem. be damned if I'm raising it for him.

CinnabarRed Wed 19-Feb-14 07:51:37

Do raise it with him. Because one of you has to, and it's damn well not going to be him. If you don't bite the bullet now then you'll be locked in this stalemate forever.

wannabestressfree Wed 19-Feb-14 08:08:33

Please don't leave this. Your daughter has reached out to you and it's your responsibility to do something about how she feels. Otherwise how can she trust you again

Clutterbugsmum Wed 19-Feb-14 08:27:39

I hope you find somewhere for you and your DD to live safe and happy soon.

He not going to change he has no need to, if he got to 50 behaving like a toddler then it's working for him.

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 09:17:42

Has he read this thread ?

eddielizzard Wed 19-Feb-14 09:19:33

if it were me (easy to say) i would be making plans to move out / tell him to leave.

his silence speaks volumes and none of it is what you need to hear.

cjel Wed 19-Feb-14 09:33:18

How are you this morning?

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 10:16:07

No he hasn't read this. I'm just at a loss, I don't understand the behaviour. I got up today to the dog walked and a cup of coffee waiting for me! I have walked that dog when I have barely been able to put my foot to the ground! today he walks her. Thtas not going to solve our problems.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:16:53

OP I know this is hard for you. Keep reading up about gaslighting and stonewalling. What about booking some counselling sessions for yourself to see if you can unravel why you are allowing him to treat you like this.

He is completely ignoring you, as if you are the least important 'thing' in his life. This is also how he treats your daughter. She is sick of it and wants to leave him. You can do it, you can leave with her.

It's not worth trying to talk to him about it, he is going to deny anything is wrong, blank you, ignore you or just say that you are too sensitive or even crazy.

This is never going to work. Just start packing your bags. If that doesn't make him ask what you're doing, nothing will. Pack and, when you're done, tell him you will be back for the rest later.

No more explanations are necessary. You told him how you felt in your letter and he has ignored it.

Walk out of the door with your head held high.

Katisha Wed 19-Feb-14 10:18:52

This is him thinking that he is showing you he is making more of an effort and saves him actually talking to you. It will last a few days... Anyway you do have to talk to him and he isn't going to start that conversation so I think you need to, this one last time.

Clutterbugsmum Wed 19-Feb-14 10:19:10

Is this his normal behaviour after you have had a disagreement.

He's ignoring what happened and treating you 'nicely' until you forget what he has done and not spoken about his behaviour at the weekend until you do he thinks it's gone away and every thing is ok.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:19:58

Btw, if you think walking the dog and making you a coffee is nice behaviour, you couldn't be more wrong.

It is nasty, spiteful, hateful behaviour. He is saying, "I can't be arsed to talk to you and I certainly don't need to explain myself to someone so far beneath me, you're so stupid that I'll walk the damn dog and you'll be pathetically grateful."

Horrible, horrible man sad

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 10:30:33

....and so the nice/nasty cycle carries on

It seems if you want things to change, you will have to do it yourself

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 10:31:50

I'm just at a loss, I don't understand the behaviour.

You don't need to understand it.

You just need to recognise that it this is a poisonous atmosphere for you and your daughter to live in.

And then you need to make a move to make a home for her that she will enjoy living in.

How can you put this man and his ridiculous moody, manipulative bullshit ahead of a little girl?

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 11:03:16

Sorry, love. It does look like you are putting your ridiculous relationship with this man above the emotional welfare of your daughter. I am sure that is not your intention but your stubborn "if he isn't going to raise things, then I am not" is just enabling this poor example you are both setting her

Break the stalemate and do something yourself. What are you frightened of.

Oh dear!
Sorry... but why are you still there putting up with this?
I just don't understand your reasoning.
I don't mean to be harsh but your DD has to come first.
Why isn't she coming first?
This man is a waste of space and you know it.
Please take your DD and yourself away from him.
Let him sulk all on his own.

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 11:19:39

I know you are all right. I need to speak to him. My daughter is all I can think of but I'm frightened too.

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 11:27:34

What are you frightened of ?

Why do you need to speak to him ? Just make your plans without him.

I agree with AF - you DON'T need to speak to him.
It's gonna be really hard.
You have been together for a while and you are also involved with his children.
But.... this is never ever ever going to improve.
Take one step at a time.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 11:49:01

I've been asking you all along what you are frightened of OP. It's clear from your post that there is something stopping you from confronting him and it does sound like fear.

You don't have to say a word to him if you don't want to. Wait until he goes out for something, then pack a few things and leave. Come back later with supportive friends to get the rest of your stuff.

On the face it, it seems as straightforward as it could be, in the circumstances, so what is stopping you?

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 11:52:14

I'm frightened of leaving our home, of starting again, being alone, the upset and distress which is ahead of me. I'm frightened that this is somehow my fault, that I've already damaged my daughter beyond repair, I'm frightened of the size of the mess that I'm in. How do I do this without speaking to him? I need to sell a house which is in joint names, we will have to live here together until its sold, there's no way he will move out.

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 11:55:03

I can't just leave- where would I go? how would I pay rent and a mortgage? I will need to stay at the house until it sells. I can do that once I have made sure he knows there is no way back. Thats the bit I'm struggling with.

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 11:56:29

Other people do it, love

What is so different about you (not meant nastily). What is so different about him

if you are worried he will take it out on you/your dd if you split that is even more a reason to leave

don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy, the more you keep trying because of the history does not improve the chances of it working just means more wasted years (and more poor examples for your dd)

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 11:57:48

Go see a solicitor. Make it official. He cannot stop you. You have free will.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 11:59:31

Ah, there it is. These are all perfectly normal and rational concerns and of course you are worried about it all.

Let's put it into perspective. The relationship is over. At some point you will separate. You can put that off for years if you like but it won't make the leaving any easier. You will still have to go through that process and face all the difficulties that you have listed.

So, what is the advantage in going sooner rather than later? Your own happiness, freedom from this toxic environment and, very importantly, being a fantastic role model to your daughter, responding to her needs and showing her that a woman does not have to live like that.

Make the decision. Be firm in your mind about what it is you want and then we will help you work out how to get it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 19-Feb-14 12:03:00

Those are all very understandable fears. They have been experienced by many of the women who post here, and who left anyway, and are now much happier for it (including me).

You CAN do it.

You will be so proud of yourself. And so much happier.

onemoredayplease Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:51

Thanks you Fairenuff. How do I deal with going home tonight? I feel I have to say something, even if its I can't go on like this.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 12:11:03

You've already said that in your letter OP.

If you want to talk, I would ask him his thoughts on the letter. Like I said, I would pretty much stay silent and let him talk for once.

cjel Wed 19-Feb-14 12:13:59

FWIW Idon't think your daughter is damaged by this at the moment , but now you are aware of it is there anything you can do so that she doesn't become damaged in the future?

When I had to leave my H (after35years married) I had all your fears that I couldn't cope. I had only worked very part time since we had got married and for the 5 years leading up to my leaving had only worked for him, so if I left I would have no home and no income and he had spent 35 years telling me(among other things) I was useless and couldn't cope without him,

I confided in one friend and she helped my get a good solicitor, it is amazing how having a person who helps you see that what you have been led to believe by DP really isn't the truth and that there are plenty of ways that you have access to income that you won't have even thought of. I am 54 and haven't always found it easy, but have people in my life that I didn't even know before and the peace of not living with the tension and fear of H is so valuable I can't begin to help you understand how lovely that is.

Please get a good friend/WA/solicitor to help you stop your mind wandering and worrying and make the tiny steps you need to take to change this situation.((((Hugs))))

cjel Wed 19-Feb-14 12:18:21

If you feel you must talk to him, can you talk about the best way to split up? who will leave the house who will stay, will you have to sell or can you keep it going?
Maybe not talk about changes that can be made or whether his behaviour is right or wrong. keep the discussion to where you go from here now you know its over?

captainmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 12:50:07

Op - he is ignoring you, trashes your attempts to do lovely things for him, sees no reason to alter his routine, even with you sitting at home waiting to talk to him... I think I'd access some of that anger you had earlier.

When he comes home, ask him to give you an explanation, tell him you are worth more, and tell him you are splitting up. it sounds like he thinks if he keeps quiet and his head down, that it will all blow over - he needs to realise that this time it's not. You have things to sort out, solicitors need to be involved, beds to be allocated, money split.

He is an arse - I thought, on reading your OP that he has no respect for you, no love, no thought or gratitude. I still think that. Better off alone.

pinkpaws Wed 19-Feb-14 21:25:38

No sorry the very fact that masturbation was mentioned and explained away with i am ok with it is in its self affirmation of the fact. She is not stating her opinion on the matter more than she is affirming permission which brings me back to my first point of ownership .

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 21:32:54

Wrong thread pink?

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 21:33:27

Have you decided to speak with him OP?

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:42:16

Fairenuff Pink may have wrong thread but masturbation is relevant seeing as OP's bloke is a bit of a wanker... tish, boom

onemoredayplease Thu 20-Feb-14 15:37:57

I just can't speak to him. He is trying to be nice but I just keep thinking its too late. I feel so awful (and I know logically that this isn't accurate) but I look at him and see how upset he is- its really sad. Emotionally I just don't think he is capable, I honestly don't think this is malicious or a way of keeping me in my place, I think he just can't do it no matter how much he thinks he loves me. For whatever reason he cannot share his emotions.
He has arranged a baby sitter tonight so that in his words he can 'apologise to me properly' and talk. Too little too late but it will bring it all to a head tonight.

BeCool Thu 20-Feb-14 16:05:21

You will feel better tomorrow.

When he starts to pull at your heart strings tonight just remember where you were at when you wrote you OP - how much love and effort you (and the kids) put into organising a lovely weekend of celebrations for him and how he didn't give a toss and was happy to ruin it all.

Remember how dismissive of your feeling he was/is!

Remember how he turned away from you all.

Remember the ongoing unresolved issues with your DD.

You have to come to this point before he will start to try and even listen to you - and he probably isn't even listening, he's trying desperate damage limitations right now.

Work on the feeling of detachment re the relationship and the exhaustion that comes from walking on eggshells around him - it is your friend.

I can feel you 'caving in' from here.
Please stay strong.
It really is too little to late and just keep thinking about what your DD said and what will be best for her.
Can you get out and stay with your family again for a while until you get things sorted out?
Surely better than staying around the house with this grumpy manchild.

thinking101 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:10:08

It's took five days to get the to point where he is telling you what he is going to talk to you about this 'apologising properly'

I've read all the thread and I can here the 'suspended anxcious' living in your posts.

When you leave the relief will be immense, it will spur you on. Eventually you will fee liberated and have a sense of light freedom that you can only imagine at the moment.

Think about your daughter, and you ex H. It. Makes me shudder to think he is doing to take you out tonight and you are supposed to be wined and dined maybe and expected to just accept it.

When I reconciled with my DH following a separation all my friends said where is the big gesture, the apology..NO I needed to hear that he understood where we had got to and his part in it all before we could fix it, flowers n shite are a cop out. I think it is past an explanation.

btw when I read first few posts thought is he having an online emotional affair, internet the texting....he is not present in your life he is elsewhere.

Sending you strength.

onemoredayplease Thu 20-Feb-14 16:27:45

Thanks all. Please keep sending me strength. I find all this so difficult. I know I have to follow through.

thinking101 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:35:33

You just wait, when you make to leave he will do or say something that shows his true colours and you will get angry, so angry....then it's a whole different ball game, you won't be scared then I promise.

IME there is nothing like strength drawn from anger to propel you forward.

thinking101 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:37:10

Sending you strength of course.

And yes passive aggressive is a form of control and a lack of responsibility. It's exhausting and draining as you constantly wondering what to do or say as you have been for the past few days.

whatdoesittake48 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:45:51

I have a slightly different opinion on this - but it has caveats galore...

if he can say to you tonight that he has contacted his doctors, arranged counselling for himself, contacted your friends and family to apologise directly, that he will talk to your daughter and apologise personally and that he accepts all blame and you have none whatsoever - there may be hope.

You need an explanation for his behaviour and a promise he will seek help for his inability to talk through his feelings.

this is the very least that he can do to salvage this situation.

You need to be resolute if he tries to blame you for anything at all. You did what any loving wife would do and what any other man would be so happy to receive. To treat you and the family in that way must indicate a severe problem on his behalf and only the above can make up for it.

You need to see evidence of a willingness to change in every way and not one shred of blame towards you.

I hope you get it.

Consider some time apart while he sorts out the above. or things may just slip into normality and he won't have the impetus to carry on improving. Assuming that is the way forward.

thinking101 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:56:15

Hmm possibly what whatdoes said but only if you live apart! massive yes. It takes hard work on both sides to build a marriage back up I say the is from experience. No matter where the fault lay, it takes two to rebuild.

I'm not sure though, the internet n texting are red flags to me. If I'm right that does. Not just go away no matter how much he brings to table, not in this time frame anyway.

Fairenuff Thu 20-Feb-14 17:42:10

Emotionally I just don't think he is capable, I honestly don't think this is malicious or a way of keeping me in my place, I think he just can't do it no matter how much he thinks he loves me. For whatever reason he cannot share his emotions.

Is that really the case? How did you meet him in the first place. Did he talk to you at all about his feelings. Has he ever been in the slightest bit open with you?

If not, then you may be right. And if, if, that is the case then he will not change and if you stay with him you will be controlled by his mood swings.

Remember what your dd said. She doesn't want to live like this. Whatever reason he gives you for his behaviour tell him this - tell him that you are worth more than that. His inability to communicate or open up emotionally, or just lack of will, it makes no difference, the result is the same

Ask him whether he thinks you deserve more than that. If he makes it all about him, he is still not 'getting' that you are just as important.

At the end of the day, I don't see that you have any choice now that your dd has told you how she feels. It's a clear choice between him and her. You have told us how he has nothing to do with her, yet he is her father figure. That is very damaging if you make her stay in this situation.

When you speak with him tonight, if you feel yourself unsure, just pop to the loo and mn on your phone. There will be someone around no doubt to help you stay strong.

DustBunnyFarmer Thu 20-Feb-14 18:33:59

I'm the adult child of a parent who has chosen not to rock the boat with a new partner for a quiet life, to the expense of our relationship. It has entirely changed how I feel about my father. I'm in my 40s and it really hurts. If you force this unhappy situation on your young daughter after she's opened up to you, prepare yourself for the fall out. It might not show for 5,10, 20 years, but the subliminal message is there: "As your mother, your feelings are just not that important to me." Don't be surprised if she stops confiding in you and gradually starts to withdraw from your relationship. Alternatively, you could just grow a spine and put your daughter's needs over those of your pathetic excuse of a husband's.

AnyFuckerHQ Thu 20-Feb-14 18:38:59

Same here, dust

Allice Thu 20-Feb-14 18:57:55

You're doing the right thing, the only thing for your daughters well being.
Be strong tonight.

justtoomessy Thu 20-Feb-14 19:08:15

Blimey OP I can't see anything at all in this relationship that you would hang around for. He ruined his weekend with selfish, vile behaviour and still has not apologised properly, just sent you a text rather than coming to speak to you and has basically ignored you since you've returned. Would you want your daughter to live with a partner like him when she's older??? No? then why are you?

eddielizzard Thu 20-Feb-14 19:16:47

he's really upset?

because he totally pissed over all your efforts to treat his for his birthday? he was so awful you left the hotel with no breakfast? planned loads of lovely things that he just totally ruined? by his own choice?

and now he feels upset?

bloody hell.

SerenaBracken Thu 20-Feb-14 19:32:01

God you all tried so hard for his birthday. The children must have so upset after planning it all.

I'd ask myself one question onemoredayplease. "Can I see myself growing old with this man?"

You know the answer to that as we all here do.

onemoredayplease Thu 20-Feb-14 22:56:58

have talked. lots of things have come out not least health problems which GP is trying to sort and which he had not told me about. fully admits responsibility, can't explain the weekend, knew it was wrong. accepts he has not tried to form a relationship with daughter and that this is wrong, gave me his thoughts as to why this has happened. says hes committed to us both and has already started trying to change this. daughter has noticed a difference, says hes more friendly than hes ever been.
I have left it that I need to think which I do. I also need to talk to daughter, things have been very strained here all week and I need to spend time with her and talk it through.

Doha Thu 20-Feb-14 22:59:10

Sorry onemoredayplease too little far too late

onemoredayplease Thu 20-Feb-14 23:00:45

yes probably.

Doha Thu 20-Feb-14 23:19:49

It just seems that he realises that he has pushed you just too far this time and is seriously backtracking-looking for any excuse to justify his actions or non actions.
To admit that he hasn't tried to form a relationship with your daughter after 6 years is awful, l am sure she has picked up on that long ago. Please do not waste any more of her childhood by making her live with this man. She deserves so much better.

GarlicLeGrenouille Thu 20-Feb-14 23:59:16

My cat (bear with me, this has a point) has very thick, long, hair and moults incessantly. I took her from a couple who booted her outdoors whenever she sought shelter, so she never learned to respect furniture and is extremely clingy, which manifests as scratching. She's a domestic nightmare. I'd be in the finals for any Bad Housekeeping award and am not sensitive to cat scratches - so she's an okay pet for me. It's not her fault, but she is what she is: anyone who gave a shit about the state of their home, or was intolerant to cat allergens, would be a fool to take on a cat like mine.

Whether your 'partner' does what he does on purpose or is simply made that way, it's irrelevant. He does not meet your standards of emotional interaction, or even of manners. Your standards happen to be perfectly reasonable (just as it's reasonable to want a non-destructive pet!) Nobody should live with a person who denies them the emotional feedback & affirmations they need, who nullifies their presence and makes them feel anxious. Not you, and not your daughter.

Destinysdaughter Fri 21-Feb-14 00:10:28

He's had days to think about this. It sounds like he's just making excuses as he doesn't want to lose you and realises this is his last chance. You need to see actions not words. At the very least he needs to agree to go to couples counselling with you. Think carefully as when he thinks he's got you back he may get complacent again and stop trying. I really want you and your daughter to be happy. Life's too short to waste it with a deadbeat. What does he actually give you, OP..?

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 00:33:44

accepts he has not tried to form a relationship with daughter and that this is wrong, gave me his thoughts as to why this has happened

What were his thoughts on this? I'd be interested to know his reasoning behind his behaviour towards her. He can't really justify it because if he knew he had a problem, he could have addressed it ages ago.

Also, did he say why he ignored you for so long, ignored your letter and stonewalled you?

captainmummy Fri 21-Feb-14 08:17:57

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, he's got a medical problem. Now. What was the excuse 6 years ago?
No excuse for how he treated you and the dc on his birthday? And since? Can't explain his behaviour? Possibly he did it because he wanted to, has no respect for any of you, is a total selfish arse?

cjel Fri 21-Feb-14 09:20:53

Morning, I hope you got some sleep last night. I feel that it would be best if you had some proper time apart now, IF your daughter is willing to accept he has changed - and not just a few days - then you may reconsider reconciling but at the moment nothing has changed except he is not completely blanking your feelings. This is not great this is what should have been happening for years.

I don't know why you should discuss this with dd, it will put her in a horrible position of having to say 'hes not that bad , stay if you want' to appease you and then you have disregarded her feelings and you know what that feels like, don't do it to her.

Whatever he promised last night don't let pity for him and his health condition sway you into putting him above her. she deserves better even if you don't feel you do. Show her how important she is to youxx

Whocansay Fri 21-Feb-14 09:38:43

OP, you do know that he ISN'T sorry for his behaviour, don't you? He's only sorry that there may be consequences. Your feelings of hurt at the weekend meant nothing to him. He did as he pleased and it pleased him to hurt you. Why do his feelings trump yours? Do they also trump your daughter's?

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 10:11:09

I agree that you shouldn't be asking your dd now. She has told you how she feels. You having a single chat with him is not going to change her feelings.

She will feel obliged to try and get on with him for your sake. Do you know that children often feel that a relationship breakdown is their fault. 'If only I had tried harder to be good, to please him. If only I had been quieter, or cleverer, or prettier, then they would still be together and mummy would be happy'.

She will say and do anything if she thinks it is what you want. Don't ask for her opinion. Take control. Be the adult and remove her from this environment so that she can grow up emotionally strong and confident that her needs are just as important as anyone else's.

Don't allow her to grow up thinking this, it will only send her into the arms of a man who can emotionally and abuse her.

You know he won't change. He's had 6 years to change, tell you about his 'medical condition', seek help. He's done nothing.

He has treated you so awfully and the fact that he thinks he is done now, he has said his bit and now the The Great Man has spoken, everything can get back to normal, tells you what sort of man he is.

Where are his actions? If you left him, do you think he would come running after you. I don't. If it's not handed to him on a plate, he's not interested. He will find someone else to run around after him and try, in vain, to please him.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 10:25:14

can't explain the weekend
Really? can't explain the weekend! More like can't be arsed to explain the weekend! Or even more like WON''T explain the weekend.

Even if he really didn't know WHY he was such an arse, surely seeing the devastation his behaviour had on you all, he would at least try to figure it out, question himself and try to get to the bottom of it?

But no - that's too difficult. So he comes up with "I just can't explain it" - which means, I don't care for such a level of self examination, you don't deserve an explanation, it is too hard for me to deal with so you just have to accept my wishy wash "I can't explain" excuses.


JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 21-Feb-14 10:29:36

Here, I can explain the weekend:

He was having a big massive strop because the world you had all done didn't please him and he wanted to punish you all for not working hard enough to make him happy.

And he's not sorry. He'll do it again.

He just doesn't want to lose his captive audience for his self-created dramas.

whatdoesittake48 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:04:15

Just take your time...

the world isn't going to end if you take a few days to think this through. it is a big thing to decide to leave your partner and you can't make that decision based on one incident.

You need to think through the entire relationship. What are long term consequences of his behaviour, what are the chances of his changing, what changes will you need to make and are you also willing, is he properly committed or just scared of being alone. How will this impact on all of the children.

Doing this thinking with him out of the house would be ideal. he also needs to work on his own issues and doing it apart from you would be best.

scornedwoman67 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:18:04

onemore how are you this morning? I am guessing that you've been a bit scared to come back on here because of the reaction you are getting. I hope you can see that people really do have your & your DD's best interests at heart here. IF you REALLY think he will change, you need to make him work for it now. A few weasly words are not going to cut the mustard. Most importantly you need to think of your DD first. Show her that she is your top priority. Make him leave and let him prove himself again over time. He needs to earn trust and respect back from you both. Believe me if you let him walk all over you he will just relax back in to his old ways and in six months time you will be kicking yourself for not dealing with it now.
Please remember we are all here for you.

onemoredayplease Fri 21-Feb-14 17:43:28

my time with my daughter is to reassure her, not ask her opinion. she is a smart girl and knew there was a lot of upset around last night, I don't want her thinking its her fault. I do love him but I'm not convinced he can maintain a change. if it was just me I would stay but its not so I cant. am upset and scared. some people make this sound easy, its not. I am about to dismantle 6 years of life, I am starting again whilst supporting my daughter. its painful and will be for some time to come but she is my priority.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 17:51:22

Massive hugs. Yes it is hard. So so hard. More hugs to you <proffers hand>

thinking101 Fri 21-Feb-14 18:05:58

I think you are being careful and me asured OP. Yes your daughter is your priority.

I just...dont understand how he has suddenly thought after 6 years he better make an effort.

I also dont understand how you can love someone who is so emtionally distant re the ignoring you etc and doesnt give you IMO whats considered within the normal boudaries of respect and affection.

I don't say the latter lightly. My DH became my H at one point, he wasnt 'present', he was having an EA (not for long) so then he became my STBXH for a while but we pulled it back from the brink. We are stronger now.

thinking101 Fri 21-Feb-14 18:06:36

SO my pint is I couldnt love my DH when he was just my H and not present. Sorry if thats all confusing.

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 18:09:45

Making the decision is sometimes the hardest part OP. Start taking some small steps to find out where you stand financially. I would advise speaking with a solicitor initially.

If it's easier for you, you can let him think it's all blown over until you have bit more information about where to go from here. Knowledge is power.

You will feel more confident when you know what benefits you can get, where you might be able to live, etc.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:18:21

Yes it's hard. This part you are in now is very very hard. But take it from someone 14 months into freedom (and I'm sure others will be along really soon too) it gets much easier very quickly.

There is a deep sense of wonderful (priceless) freedom not sharing a house with a moody nasty head fuck of a person. Yes there are other issues to deal with - but pretty much everything is at least straightforward without Mr Moody Headfuck and his dark unpredictable clouds.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:55:19

pretty much everything is at least straightforward without Mr Moody Headfuck and his dark unpredictable clouds.

Oh yes. So true.

onemoredayplease Sat 22-Feb-14 04:39:18

can't sleep. daughter has been working through the implications of leaving. upset at loss of extended family, now worried that she may have to leave her school. shes right on both fronts so hard to see. shes incredibly angry with me that we can't move now. I can't see a way to do that. I have no local family, no where to go. I'm employed in a good job with a good salary so there are no benefits for me. I've just been trawling rightmove and can't see anything we can afford where we need to be. I need to get an up to date mortgage statement but I fear she is right, we will need to move area.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 22-Feb-14 06:27:39

Se might be angry and upset but that's expected. Think long term and both yours and her happiness

scornedwoman67 Sat 22-Feb-14 08:04:46

Morning onemore

I am in a similar financial situation as you and have been trying to think what I would do in your situation. Is the house in joint names? As a short-term solution could you move in with family or share a flat with a friend? Do any of his DC's live with you? If not, could he not move out?

cjel Sat 22-Feb-14 08:52:35

Please try not to worry about the details. When you have a clear plan you can work towards it. It is amazing how much more you actually have in rl than in those 4am worries.
You don't have to start to look at homes to buy straight away, you can get temporary. Do you have to eave where you are? is it possible for him to leave in the short term so you can catch your breath?
Makee the decision to leave and see a solicitor, once you know the true situation wrt finances it won't be so daunting.

Fairenuff Sat 22-Feb-14 11:16:57

Of course she wants to go straight away. If you were able to, you would want to as well. I think she will feel happier if you can offer her some reassurance.

Be honest with her, tell her that you are not sure at the moment of all the details but that both of you will be fine. You will be together and you don't need much as long as you have each other.

His family can still be in contact with her and even if she does move schools, she can keep all her old friends and make new ones. Tell her that it's a bit like an adventure and will all turn out ok in the end.

And tell yourself the same too, because it will be ok in the long run.

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