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Red Flags?

(6 Posts)
ChoccyDigestive82 Tue 11-Feb-14 17:07:01

Hi all.

I have been with my partner for just under one year and we are very happy. She spoils me rotten all of the time and always tells me she loves me.

I struggle to be affectionate in public as ... well, I'm not a big fan of PDA and being a lesbian I sometimes receive frosty stares so I would rather not. My girlfriend is understanding of this.

We have had 3 arguments since getting together...all about the same thing.

When we first got together we sat and chatted one night over several bottles of wine and spoke about how previous relationships had ended.

We have both been cheated on, her more than myself. Her last relationship - her girlfriend treated her terribly and took away a lot of trust.

The thing is, my feelings for my gf are very very strong, I love her and am in love with her but feel like I am constantly having to reassure me. Every few months I will get a text saying she still feels a little insecure etc and i'm sorry but it sends me raging. I have put so much into this relationship and told her that yet she still second guesses everything I do.

Am I being unreasonable here?

It's like if I don't text her lots then she worries. I don't know how I am supposed to get her to believe I love her or help her insecurities, will it ever get any better? I have told her that this could ruin us.

She has promised to relax and stop worrying but I don't know.

My ex girlfriend often accused me of things and turned out to be doing it herself, cheating on me. Although, My gf has never accused me of cheating, just doubting my feelings.

This is more of a rant really.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Feb-14 20:03:47

Ah, the good old insecurity thing... IMO/IME when a partner is insecure, if you've never given them reason to be, then the problem lies within them and there's not a lot you can do to overcome it. They have to be prepared to accept that it is their problem and they need to do something about it, counselling, CBT, giving themselves a good talking to, whatever works! Otherwise the innocent party spends the rest of their lives being blamed for somebody else's crime. This is not the basis of a happy relationship.

One year after I started dating dh I was still massively insecure. It took a few years for me to get over it (not completely, but I'm much much better). Maybe it will get better with time.

I agree with Annie. You sound like this pisses you off already, imagine how you'll feel in another year or two...

Birdsofafeather Tue 11-Feb-14 22:18:22

I think if you are showing other ways of being in love etc, then PDA is irrelevant and it lies with her. My ex was not affectionate in the slightest and I hated it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 10:39:16

Insecurity in this context IME is basically fishing for compliments and forcing the pace. They're manipulating you to declare affection, love, reassurance, whatever and 'red flag' might be a little extreme but it's certainly very needy and extremely wearing. When it definitely turns into a red flag is if it goes from neediness and into emotional threats ... 'if you left me I'd kill myself' and similar.

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