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Found out dp is on the sex offenders register

(300 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:37:46

Please be kind as this has only come out today and I think I'm in shock.
Have posted before about dp that I have been with for a few months. Am smitten with him and we have been very happy.
However my friend googled him and found that he was convicted of having a relationship with a pupil and was dismissed as a teacher.
She was 15 and pursued him according to the judgement and it only got as far as some kissing and cuddling.
I can't believe this and as I have two teenage daughters am in turmoil. He doesn't know I know.
He's been great with my family and as this was few years ago must have been out of trouble since.
I've no idea who knows.

Flowerybitch Mon 10-Feb-14 21:40:10

Do you know it's definitely him? If so be open with him and ask him..

Littlefish Mon 10-Feb-14 21:41:14

Do you have children? How old are they?

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:41:26

Yes it's defo him seen photos

NatashaBee Mon 10-Feb-14 21:42:04

So you've been together a few months and he hasn't told you anything about a significant event in his life? That alone would be a deal breaker for me, since he must have actively lied to cover up the fact he was previously a teacher. Are you sure your friend has the right person?

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:42:45

Yes two older teenager girls. He didn't know that when we met and has had other relationships with single mothers with no issues

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 21:43:49

Why did your friend google him? Did she have suspicisions?

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:43:53

He told me about being a teacher but obv would have been difficult to tell me what happened

Littlefish Mon 10-Feb-14 21:44:01

Sorry -just read that you have teenage daughters.

I could not continue in a relationship with someone who had abused a child. Whether or not it was just kissing and cuddling, he was in a position of power and trust, and he chose to abuse that.

Rosa Mon 10-Feb-14 21:44:03

If its true then I would ask him outright . Especially as you ahve teen age daughters I would get this out in the open and quick.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 21:44:43

How do you know his previous relationships had no issues?

How old is dp, what age was he at the time it happened?
Sorry you are going thro this

Catsmamma Mon 10-Feb-14 21:44:57

well, at best he has exercised very poor judgement with his previous relationship and at worst he has singled you out because of your two dds

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 21:45:01

How awful for you.
Assuming it is him - unusual name? - then your decision is simple though.
Please ignore anything about the child pursuing him. That's why the law exists as it does - to protect children from themselves and adults. Because adults have to know better, especially those in a trusted position. Children can pursue all they like, they should get nowhere.

I'm sorry, that must be such a huge shock sad

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:46:09

I'm just so torn as he's been punished and feel that someone should be allowed to make a mistake.
Friend was googling to find him as he has a business

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:47:05

He's 44 it was four years ago

phoolani Mon 10-Feb-14 21:47:24

Alarm bells would ring for me immediately, I'm afraid. You have two teenage daughters and you're smitten with a man who abused his position of trust with a teenage girl? I wouldn't have it out with him so much as throw him out. Too big a thing to hide, given all the circumstances.

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 21:47:55

How long is he on the register for? If he is being monitored, he has to register with the local police. The police will do unannounced home visits and they will ask him questions about you and your children. Social Services will be advised if the police think your children are at risk.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 21:48:22

Catsmamma I don't think it's right to call a teacher kissing a teenage child a "previous relationship".

tribpot Mon 10-Feb-14 21:48:48

A 'mistake' that leads you to be on the sex offenders' register? The register exists for a reason.

He has had 'other' relationships with single mothers ... has he had any relationships with non-mothers?

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:48:58

I think five years so not much longer

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:49:41

Yes last gf had no children

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 21:50:03

Remember, some sex offenders target single mothers to gain access to their next victims.

kentishgirl Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:05

It's not a mistake. He decided to get physical with an underage pupil.

We all know what 15 year old girls are like. Boy, there were a couple of hot teachers at school that we all used to try to flirt with and we'd have LOVED to have got some 'special attention' from them. Being professional teachers, they completely ignored it and were careful not to get into the wrong sort of situation with any of us that could be misconstrued.

He failed as a teacher with responsibility for the welfare of teenage girls. He failed as an adult man - girls do flirt, normal men ignore it.

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:22

I know that's why I'm being cautious
No strange behaviour with kids at all

CookieDoughKid Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:39

Just 4 years ago? That would ring major alarm bells for me. And she was a minor? Either he had no clue about her she or he gave in. Come on. My mid 30s dh won't even look at a 18yo let alone 15.

Yes, he has served his time etc but unless you know the full story, please be cautious.

Dirtybadger Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:44

44!! I assumed he was newly qualified (22/23 at the time) although with such an abuse of power and trust as already said, I'd still be straight out the door! Esp. As he didn't tell you.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:59

Buying apples instead of oranges is a mistake.

Kissing and cuddling a pupil when you are forty years old is not.

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 21:52:22

If he is still on the register, he has lied to the police about you. If they knew about you, they would visit and make you aware of his offending as your children are at risk.

RayPurchase Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:05

shock so he was 40 and he knowlingly kissed a 15 yo?
And he kept it from you. Bad news.

Chocberry Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:12

I do believe you are in shock and trying to justify this.
He was 40 and kissed and cuddled a 15 year old girl. Sorry but this is very bad and you need to now take steps to protect your daughters from such a man I'm afraid.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:16

You're torn?!
There's mistakes, and there's abuses of trust.
Even if this man wasn't a risk to your daughters (please imagine one of their middle aged teachers kissing and touching them - still OK, they've been punished, forget it?) then why would you choose to be with someone who would do that?
A 40 year old man kissing a 15 year old child.

You've only know him a few months, you're not losing anything here.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:16

4 years ago and he hasn't mentioned it. Does he live with you? If not I'd be blocking his phone number and cutting all ties. If he does live with you, I'd be packing his stuff.

tattychicken Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:21

It would be a big fat no from me. He knew her age and crossed the boundaries. Whether she 'pursued' him or not, she was a child. He was in a position of trust and should have dealt with it appropriately. Not someone I would like to build a future with.

Littlefish Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:46

He was 40, she was 15.

She was a child. What he did was abuse a child.

There is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

He abused a child from a position of power.

Walk away.

MrsSteptoe Mon 10-Feb-14 21:54:26

OK. 44 years old - that is really, really old enough to understand why the law stands as it does in relation to this. Had he been 22 at the time of the offence, I might just about have been able to take on board the idea that he might have had time since then to mature and understand the thinking behind the law (obviously he wasn't going to be that young, as you've got teenage daughters).
Apart from not having told you, it's about the fact that he didn't have sufficient maturity to understand why what he was doing was wrong, even after he turned 40. If he didn't get it then, he won't have got it now.

Pinkandwhite Mon 10-Feb-14 21:54:59

I would end this immediately if I was you. He abused his position of trust with a teenage girl and has not mentioned it to you. I'm really sorry you've had such a nasty shock but I think your priority now is to protect your teenage daughters.

Logg1e Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:01

I'm on my phone, would you PM me OP?

You have to finish this relationship for your children's sake.

When you are 40, kissing a 15 year old is abuse not a mistake.

basgetti Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:09

From your previous thread you've only been with him about 2 months and that was full of red flags even without this. Why are you even contemplating continuing a relationship with this and exposing your children to him?

CookieDoughKid Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:09

You don't have to be vigilante but it would pay for you to do a some research into such offences, the kind that commit them and take a step back on what this could mean. Do you what kind of porn he is into for example? Sorry I know it's so shocking to ask but it wouldn't hurt to find out.

Puttheshelvesup Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:10

Sorry you are going through this. You must be feeling horrendous, but this is a little more serious than a person 'making a mistake'. He hasn't volunteered this information to you, so if you confront him how do you know he will be completely honest? Also, under what circumstances was the relationship brought into the open? Did he confess to someone off his own back, or were they caught? If they were caught and prevented from taking things further there is no way to really know what his long term intentions were. We're human, we make mistakes and the people we love forgive us, but most peoples mistakes don't involve sexual contact with children.

Run like the wind. In my considerable experience in this area a) leopards don't change their spots b) good men don't start relationships with kids, however "pursued" they are confused

tiredlady Mon 10-Feb-14 21:56:44

How would you feel if you had a 15yo dd who was infatuated with one of her 40yo teachers and ended up kissing and cuddling with him. Would that be ok with you?

Twinklestein Mon 10-Feb-14 21:56:52

Personally, after my experiences at school with the teachers who made 'mistakes' with 15 year old girls. That would be it for me.

Some guys can't be trusted around teenage girls & he's one of them. He did not see that 15 year old as off limits.

It's not as if he was newly qualified and immature. He was 40!

I would not be able the shake the possibility that your daughters are part of your attraction.

Helpyourself Mon 10-Feb-14 21:57:17

Finish the relationship immediately.
It's extremely simple.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 10-Feb-14 21:57:57

I can see why he wouldn't announce this to someone on a first date. But I think if you have become serious and are planning a future together, then he really ought to have told you this himself by now. He should know that it would be a huge issue given the age of your daughters, and that he would need to accept that he would be under scrutiny and he would have to keep working to earn your trust. Instead he has stayed silent. It probably seemed like the best thing to do from his point of view, but it wasn't the right thing to do - so there is still a question mark over his judgement.

TheScience Mon 10-Feb-14 21:58:03

So he was 40 and in a position of power/responsibility over a 15 year old.

If you've only been together a few months, cut your losses now. There are plenty of fish in the sea who aren't predatory men on the sex offenders register.

OP just searched you and seen that a few weeks ago you were considering having him move in with you. I hope that didn't happen. I also see you're a teacher yourself so you KNOW how bad it is that he was messing around with a 15 yr old. That alone should make you get shot.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:01:38

No. Him 'kissing and cuddling' a 15 yr old at the age of 40, is not a 'mistake', it's an abuse of power.
He did it willingly and deliberately.

I certainly couldn't continue the relationship. The bond would be broken upon learning that.

Foodylicious Mon 10-Feb-14 22:02:26

Gosh, this must be a real shock. Of course we would like to think that someone has 'paid' for their crime/mistake and should be able to move on, but unfortunately there is no way you will ever know if the time he was caught was the only time this has happened.
If I was in your situation I would have it out with him to get the facts but ultimately things would have to end.
he may not have an interest specifically in your children but will you be able to see them together without wondering? or with their friends?
Good luck, please speak to your friend in RL for support or someone else you are close to

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 22:02:44

No he hasn't moved in he has his own place

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:03:21

Just read your previous thread. Yes, you were right to worry.

What do you think the deal breaker would be for you in this relationship if finding out he's a convicted paedo isn't enough for you to leave?

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:03:37

It doesn't get simpler than this.

He's a sex offender.

A recent sex offender.

You have teenage dds.

He could abuse/target your dd next.

It'll at the very least cross his mind.

How can you bear to be with a man who could see your teens as sexually attractive?

Your girls deserve to be protected from men like him.

Bin him today. He'll know why, and he'll be expecting it.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 22:04:19

If he is on the sex offenders register does this not come with restrictions such as distance from child orientated areas? Sorry if I am wrong on this it is not a subject I am familiar with.
If he was convicted of an offence against a teenage girl and you have 2 teenage daughters doesn't that go against him?

I would kick him to the kerb and tell him exactly why then I would contact the authorities and inform them that he started a relationship with you, the age of your daughters and the fact that he did not disclose his conviction to you before spending time with your family.

I know this is a huge shock for you but you need to act quickly to ensure the safety of your children and possibly any others.

CheerfulYank Mon 10-Feb-14 22:06:03

I agree with whoever said to think about how you would feel about your daughter kissing and cuddling a 40 year old man?

I would run.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:06:18

I'm so sorry, this must be a horrific shock.

Regardless, you must end it, we can help you put yourself back together afterwards, but right now, you must do what you gotta do.

tethersend Mon 10-Feb-14 22:06:27

I'm sorry OP, but staying with this man won't make him what you thought he was. That person doesn't exist.

The only person who exists is a sex offender.

PatriciaHolm Mon 10-Feb-14 22:07:06

You've only been with him a couple of months and he doesn't live with you, so the fact he's not been inappropriate with your DDs so far is irrelevant. Consider it a lucky escape , and don't contemplate moving in with another man within a few weeks of meeting him no matter how much you think he's the one!!

urmydarlings Mon 10-Feb-14 22:07:13

You've had lots off good advice op and I pray you take it.
your daughters should be your first priority.

Nerfmother Mon 10-Feb-14 22:09:00

If he's on it for five years, he must have been imprisoned? I've just googled as I don't know much about it, and a caution merits two years, four years on it is for a shortish period of inprisonment then it goes up to seven years on it.
Dunno op, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable even with my liberal 'done your time' type views. I'd have to call it a day.

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 22:09:11

Yes I know but it's very hard and I think I'm in shock and obviously it's difficult to talk to people in real life

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 22:10:12

His sentence was suspended

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:10:17

I am sorry you must be in shock.

In a case such as this, I would cut all contact from today, a brief text telling him you know and asking him to not contact you or your family again should be enough.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:11:09

It's only "hard" if you place a relationship of a couple of months duration above the welfare of your daughters

Get a fucking grip

You are a professional woman ?

Act like one

kentishgirl Mon 10-Feb-14 22:11:18

Ok, you think he made a mistake, was punished, and has paid for it. So move on.

I can see your point with some crimes. Someone who was done for burglary probably isn't going to burgle their new partner. Someone who was done for car crime probably isn't going to steal the car of their new partner.

But a child sex offender - oh yeah, your daughters ARE at risk. Child sex offenders specifically get into family situations so they can reoffend. And you know it. Put your daughters first. It's too much of a risk. Maybe nothing would happen. Or maybe in five years time you'll have a difficult time explaining to one or both of your daughters that something happened to them because you chose to bring a known abuser into their lives.

tiredlady Mon 10-Feb-14 22:11:31

Have just read your previous thread.
You have a 15 yo old daughter
Please listen to everyone who has taken the time to post on this.

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 22:11:53

Think about this OP. If SS think your children are at risk, they will remove them from your care. The register is there to protect children just like yours.

Twinklestein Mon 10-Feb-14 22:12:33

I'm sorry OP, I understand it's a shock. But you wouldn't be in shock right now if he had done the responsible and mature thing and told you himself. That's another mark against him.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:13:17

If you are a teacher you will have had safeguarding training

You do realise that these thigs are real don't you ? Not just examples on a white board. Real flesh and blood proven abusers of underage girls look for women like you.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:14:05

If you phone the police tomorrow, 101 is fine, and ask to speak to someone about this, they should be able to advise you. We've had to do it over a man we were concerned with and the police couldn't have been more helpful. The man in question is very charming too.

SamU2 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:03

I am sorry, what a horrible thing to happen.

Really, what are your choices now?

You either end it with him or put your children at risk. Who is more important? I am guessing your children so you don't have any choice really do you?

It's simple, him, or you put your kids at risk and even if they aren't at risk what happens when it comes out and they find out that their mum is dating a sex offender and put them at risk? I can't imagine that will go down well.

Best wishes.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:11

How many Sara's law type stories have you read about???
You know where a poor family has lost a son or daughter because a know offender wormed their way in to a family who were unaware of any previous convictions?
Or any of the heart breaking stories where the child now an adult and cannot forgive the mother for allowing an abuser in to their lives an destroying them?

Don't allow your children to become one of those stories. It is your job to protect them.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:26

You are a teacher as well? Then all the more reason you have to end this relationship. You might be in shock, but there is nothing that can make this 'okay'.

DietofWorms Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:31

I agree, you can't let him be in your daughters' homes and lives, you really can't.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:16:36


Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 22:17:30

No, it's not hard.
You've known him 2 months.

I'll tell you what's hard - living with yourself when you find out he's tried to kiss your daughter, or your daughters' friends.
And if one of your daughter's friend was MY daughter, and you let this predatory abuser near her and he touched MY daughter, I'd be holding you partly responsible.

You've known him 2 months. You say he hasnt acted oddly so far, but you know what? He has. You said he got on well with your family. After 2 months, how has he spent e Pugh time with them for that to happen?
I'm actually not as strict as most on early intros. But really - 2 months in, I'm curious that he's even met them, let alone spent enough time with them for you to decide he gets on well with them.
Too much too soon.

It's not your fault you met a paedophile. I get that it would shake you.

But it should not be hard to end it.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Mon 10-Feb-14 22:17:58

Why are you in 'turmoil'? That suggests you are torn about what to do.

Text him or email him right now - NOW. Tell him it's over, block his number, delete him from Facebook.

Appreciate you are in shock and devastated but it's the no brainer of all no brainers. Got to be done so do it now, get it over with, then have a glass of wine or two and cry your eyes out but know you have done the right and only thing.

And as much as you think you have a lovely relationship you are actually having a relationship with a liar who molested a young girl.

What in God's name do you need to think about. I know I would have the dettol out for myself and be taking my children somewhere safe until I could be sure this disgusting excuse for a man knew our 'Relationship' was over.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 10-Feb-14 22:19:09

This kind of crime is nothing to do with 'done your time'.

It is not about a mistake you may have made, but who you ARE.

This is a man - a forty-year-old man - who could look at your teen DD and think 'Yes, I could go there'.

And has done.

To reiterate what others have said:

- what he did cannot be described as a 'mistake'
- a fifteen year old child is not a 'pursuer', she is a CHILD, and one who he was in a position of respoinsibility for, just like your DD's teachers.

I cannot believe that as a mother you are describing the decision you have here as 'hard'. I cannot believe that there is any grey area here for you.

MrsSteptoe Mon 10-Feb-14 22:21:15

Mrscoleridge, if I understand the previous post ckrrecthat you refer to in your OP correctly, you and your partner have had a whirlwind intense romance and what we might call the discovery process seems to have been very accelerated.
I don't want to be unkind, but this sounds like a man who has gone to some length to give you the impression that he's been very open with you and shared some fairly emotional stuff. The fact that he has not shared this episode is very concerning. I am also concerned that he is emotionally extremely immature, and from the description of the outset of your relationship with him, it seems to me that he's addicted to starting off very intense relationships, which is probably precisely how the offence occurred. Your own teenage daughters aside, I fear this one's not for the long term anyway.

MrsSteptoe Mon 10-Feb-14 22:21:55

*if I understand the previous post correctly that you referred to in your OP,

is what I should have written, but I hit control adn enter by mistake!

Bitofkipper Mon 10-Feb-14 22:21:55

In view of your thread dated 21st Jan about him decorating your 15 year old daughter's bedroom and how well he gets on with her then surely your options are very limited OP.

Get Rid. This is scary.

MissMilbanke Mon 10-Feb-14 22:21:57

Mmmmm….. pretend you didn't start this thread OP and read it out loud to yourself.

What advice would you really give to the woman posting this question ?

mcmooncup Mon 10-Feb-14 22:22:27

Your last thread and this one prove that you place men way above the needs of your daughters.

You are grave danger of people losing all sympathy with you.

The fact you even need to ask the question and are minimising what he's done is frankly quite insane.

You may well be one of 'those mothers' we read about in the papers very soon"......and we all say "why did she let that happen?"

Because that is exactly what you will be doing if you don't finish this right away.

Foodylicious Mon 10-Feb-14 22:22:36

Hi again,
just read your previous posts about how essentialy 'perfect' he is and this rang more alarm bells.
There are some men out there who truly are good. However doing absolutely everything to appear 'normal' can be a trait of sex offenders.
They are often tidy, organised, charming, kind, considerate, helpful and seem able to get on with anybody and everybody. This is a life and a 'character' they construct to enable them to go about un-noticed and under the radar so to speak. Be very careful. What your are allowed to see of a person is sometimes not all there is.
Please don't agonise over this too long, make the break and get some support in moving on x x

I don't understand why you find this difficult. He committed an offence with a 15 year old child when he was 40. You have two teenage daughters and goodness knows how many coming round to your house. Protect your children and ditch this man BEFORE you discover he is capable of reoffending. Why risk it?

Logg1e Mon 10-Feb-14 22:22:57

Why did you report pict?

DietofWorms Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:59

People are getting at you, OP, but I suspect you WILL come out of shock and realise you have to get rid of him. The potential consequences of not doing so are too disturbing to think about.

I have faith in you.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 22:24:12

You need to talk to a professional (start with Women's Aid?) about your boundaries in relationships if you find this in any way a hard decision. Until you've sorted out why you would accept a paedophile as a partner AND put your own children at risk, you should be staying single.

It would be normal to find this shakes you and find the AFTERMATH of dumping him hard.

But the decision to do it? Normal = easy peasy. You shouldn't be able to stop yourself from deleting his number, you should find you can't do it fast enough.

AcrylicPlexiglass Mon 10-Feb-14 22:24:39

You must dump him. It is very, very telling and worrying that he has not told you about this himself. I have an acquaintance who was convicted of sexual offences against a 13 year old girl and served a fairly lengthy prison sentence. I am afraid that I will always feel suspicious of him, avoid him as much as possible and would never ever allow my daughter to be around him. Evidence still suggests that an attraction to children is extremely hard to change. However, one of the few positives is that he has always told his girlfriends about what happened. It is really concerning that this man has not done the same. Please please get rid of him.

Noregrets78 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:26:18

Oo dear. Of course he hasn't been acting strangely around your DCs. It's called grooming. Please take no chances, put your DDs first.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:26:43

Because this is the latest in a series of controversial dilemmas about the new boyfriend.

urmydarlings Mon 10-Feb-14 22:26:57

Logg1e , I hope you were able to talk sense into op if you managed to exchange pm's.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:26:59

I'm afraid I have dealt with this age group of client who have been in this exact same position regarding a male teacher, it's confusing and devastating especially even when they admit they enjoyed the attention , mainly because of existing problems at home.

Just from the child protection side of things some friends family and possibly professionals might take a dim view of you allowing go him to be still involved now that you know his past. Is your teens dad involved because if he is I wonder what his take on this might be. Theres no excuse no minimising no second chances, if he got a suspended sentence it was serious, this kind of power is both insidious and highly damaging, the fact he's on Google shows a shocking lack of judgement on his part ide even go as far as saying arrogance.

Dump him and tell him why

Why was this thread reported Pictish?

Foodylicious Mon 10-Feb-14 22:27:28

I am sure if you contact the police they will help you in communicating to him that you now know about his situation and want no more to do with him. That way you will be safe, he will know that the police know you know IYSWIM, and hopefully he will just walk away without argument.

Good luck again xx

Sorry crossed posts

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:27:57

foody you've just described the sex offender we know to a frightening degree.

OddFodd Mon 10-Feb-14 22:28:06

Oh FFS - you're nearly 50. Grow the fuck up. This man is a predatory ephebophile and you have two teenage daughters in the house.

This is not some bloody sparkly glittery Mills&Boon story - this is grim real life. You cannot have this man under your roof and I can't believe you ended your OP with 'I've no idea who knows'

I don't think I've read a post that made me so angry in years

justtoomessy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:28:45

There wouldn't be any strange behaviour at first as he needs time to groom them and you.

The man you have been with for a very short time is a convicted paedo and you are having trouble getting shot of him??? He's already down his work on you hasn't he?

He's 44 and has lost his job as a teacher for molesting a 15 year old and have you not noticed that they nearly always say that the girl chased the older man. Its bollocks and a 15 year old is still a child.

Get rid or you will probably be posting in a few months time about how your 15 year old daughter has ran off with your boyfriend!

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:29:20

I agree with Foodylicious actually rather than send the text send the message via the police OP.

Viviennemary Mon 10-Feb-14 22:30:36

He crossed a line as a professional. Personally I wouldn't be keen to have a relationship with somebody who had behaved like that in the past.

FreeLikeABird Mon 10-Feb-14 22:31:52

And this is the man you started another thread about that you wanted to move him in your house after being with him for 6 weeks?

SamU2 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:32:07

I advanced search but can't see any other posts from the OP.

Am I doing something wrong? hmm

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Mon 10-Feb-14 22:32:17

On your thread about wanting him to move in after six weeks you were warned repeatedly in the most direct of terms not to do so - that you couldn't possible know someone in six weeks. That someone being so full on so soon was a big, fat red flag.

You would not listen to a word of it.

You even said 'This time it feels different and I think there is some hysteria in the idea that every single man is waiting to prey on the daughters of single mothers.'

You have not been a taken in by a manipulative man with an agenda - listen to sense now.

Pictish if you are suggesting the OP is a troll, I do hope you are right.

Talk to your friends and family if you can, get some support don't feel like you have done anything wrong. He could have discussed this with you, or try to explain the situation he must have realised you could find out and just goes to show he is still being deceitful and hiding things.

When I was 17 my bf (ex now obviously) was arrested for a 'minor' sex offence I dumped him straight away and now several years later he has been arrested several times for worse offences. While I hate to judge someone, for the sake of your daughters safety you must know that this isn't a relationship that can carry on?

SamU2 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:33:46

Oh I remember that thread.

Now you can see why he wanted to move in with you so soon OP sad

wherethewildthingis Mon 10-Feb-14 22:34:28

I am not really shocked by your uncertainty as sadly this is an all too common response- even when a woman's own children disclose her partner has abused them. Yes, you should finish with him and protect your children. If you must give him "the benefit of the doubt", ask him to go with you to see the police officer responsible for his registration, and get them to share details of his offence and risk assessment with you. Maybe this will change your mind.
He has done a very effective job of grooming you.

MrsSteptoe Mon 10-Feb-14 22:34:31

I think I missed something. I didn't see where the OP is having trouble getting shot of him. I see some indecision upthread, but I imagine she's having a break from the posts for a bit.

FixItUpChappie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:35:10

OP, I can't tell you how many SS investigations happen due to "the boyfriend". The percentage must be somewhere in 80+ % of cases being conservative.

You are dating a man with a criminal record who has been charged and convicted of sexually abusing a minor. You have 2 children. It is really a deal breaker don't you think? If someone like your friend reported this relationship - SS would likely investigate YOU and why you have this person around your kids too FYI.

Marn1e Mon 10-Feb-14 22:35:19

You're mad.

There is no choice here. It doesn't matter how you feel about him, you have no choice.

I could maybe understand this if he was , say , 23 and it was years ago or something. Maybe. I'd at least listen. But a 40 year old man is an entirely different matter and you know it.

Are you desperate or something? Do the right thing, stop mooning after this sad twat and put your children first

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Mon 10-Feb-14 22:35:41

I meant you have been taken in by a manipulative man

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:36:02

OP said she was in shock.

bestsonever Mon 10-Feb-14 22:37:08

Quite frankly, there seems to be something wrong with yourself if you find it hard to bin him as most people would instantly recoil and find it very easy to get rid, no matter how long you've known him, then again most people would not even need to ask on here about it. The answer is starkly obvious.
Kids come first, relationships are always less important, end of - their needs before your wants for a man. That goes for any relationship, even if not with a dubious character if it could affect your child in a negative way.

FixItUpChappie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:37:15

I did want to add that I'm sorry your in this position. It is a shock and must be disappointing...I'm not trying to be a hard ass.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:38:55
BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:02

I have seen many a single Mother unable to be single, who will grab any Many who comes along, they are the people who scorn people like me who make a choice early on to stay single until the children are adults. This is why some of us choose this, the despirado's kept saying you will change your mind, because they are unable to contemplate being alone for a long period of time.

Foodylicious Mon 10-Feb-14 22:39:48

Also, while I can see where some of you are coming from, don't be so quick to think this would be any better if the man was 22/23. It really wouldn't. If someone does not get this is wrong at 22/23 that is unlikely to change as they get older, they are just more likely to escalate their activities the older they get.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:41:13
BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:42:17

I feel sorry for OP, she must be in such shock and feel she has no worth being single, to even contemplate putting her children at risk like this at her age and in her profession.

tethersend Mon 10-Feb-14 22:42:51

Reading OP's previous posts, I'm with pictish.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 22:43:32

You owe your daughters a duty of care far exceeding anything owed to a bloke you have been seeing for a few months. When you are over this initial shock, you will see that.

It doesnt matter that it was argued that she 'pursued him'. A 15 yr old does not force a grown man to do anything. You do not put responsibility for the choices of a 40 something teacher onto his 15 year old pupil and turn her into some sort of temptress.

as an aside, are most of his relationships with single mothers?

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 22:43:36

Just reread the OP and yes, she just says she's in shock. She doesn't comment either way whether she is leaving him or not.

Hopefully she is busy ignoring his texts, planning her phone call to the police tomorrow and talking to her girls.

DietofWorms Mon 10-Feb-14 22:43:58

with tethersend...

Proseccoisnotrah Mon 10-Feb-14 22:45:24

I'm sure that in certain parts of the country, as a partner of an offender you can contact the police and they are able to disclose certain things to you. I want to say Sarah's Law but I might be wrong. It might be worth doing.

If he is still on the register I would have thought that his relationship with you might be of interest to probation etc due to the age of your daughters. I work in a different part d the system to do with housing and things like this are sometimes brought up in multi-agency meetings. I'm surprised nobody has been in touch with you yet.

Marn1e Mon 10-Feb-14 22:45:35

Reading the previous threads I'm with whoever reported the thread .....

It's got all the hallmarks

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 10-Feb-14 22:46:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pomdereplay Mon 10-Feb-14 22:46:29

He's a child abuser and he's been grooming you. He more likely than not has far more interest in your teenage daughters than in you; he just sees you as a likely mark. And so far he's right, isn't he?

Prove him wrong, kick him out and never let him near you or your children again. You haven't been in a whirlwind romance. You've just been targeted by a predator and you need to put the brakes on, fast. Take action.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 22:46:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:47:49

Quite. hmm

I get that you are in shock.

But this needs to end. Now.

Read this thread back when you've had time to process.

MostWicked Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:07

He finds teenage girls sexually attractive - that's all you need to know. Most 40yr old men would run a mile from a 15yr old girl's approach.

How did you meet? Did he know you had teenage girls when you met?

Proseccoisnotrah Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:16


It could be that due to the nature of the offence he is deemed at a very low risk of reoffending but I think a talk about what happened with the police and the seriousness of it might help you see things a bit more clearly. The more informed you are, the easier all this will be.

Very sorry for you op. Horrible situation.

Bitofkipper Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:33

I see from another post ,OP, that you met him online. Did he know you daughter's ages before meeting up? Dear me.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:40

Apparently, they met online.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:48:59

Just read all your posts.

This man is a predator, he is a manipulator, he will destroy you and your family.

He will harm your girls.

Whatever it takes to get yourself free of this seemingly terminal case of cockstruckness you seem to have picked up, you have only one option.

If you don't bin him, you will be directly responsible for whatever he does to your dds.

I hope you never find out what he's capable of.

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:49:08

Why do you have to announce your intentions to speak to MNHQ people? you all know it is against guidelines.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Mon 10-Feb-14 22:49:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:49:40

Is it against guidelines to say you have reported? Genuine ask?

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:49:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 22:49:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh no, did I fall for one?

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 22:52:16

I think some posters announce their reporting so that if the OP (not saying this one is or isn't) is a hairy handed under the bridge dweller that they will know members are on to them and hopefully take their sick twisted mind somewhere else to play games.

Or I could be wrong.

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:52:22

Who knows Squirted, MNHQ say don't invest anything to anyone online you are not willing to loose, be it time or money.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 22:53:14

BuildUpMyFence - is it? I didn't know. I guess my post will be deleted then. Fair enough.

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:53:23

I had a few pm's from blush people who didn't think I was genuine.

Proseccoisnotrah Mon 10-Feb-14 22:53:47

Poster has been around for a long time, I remember the name.

cees Mon 10-Feb-14 22:53:59

Yes we all know it's the whorish teens who should know better, chasing a 40-something yr old man really, what do they expect, this poor man more then twice her age is the real victim, isn't he love?

(drips with sarcasm)

OddFodd Mon 10-Feb-14 22:54:13

Only the OP's been posting for about 4 years and the background story remains consistent. Bit of a long build up for the big reveal hmm

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 22:54:30

I think I remember your thread build. re an e-mail? Tough time you had there for a bit.

BirthdayMuppet Mon 10-Feb-14 22:54:43

Shit, another one?

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 22:55:01

It is mightly horrible to be treated as if you are when you are not.

I say give it what time you want when mnhq to come back. You will know if it is still standing in a few hours or if the thread is gone with comments saying why it is gone. You would feel quite rubbish if you are wrong.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Mon 10-Feb-14 22:56:28

Longterm posters can still be trolls.

BOFtastic Mon 10-Feb-14 22:56:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mojang Mon 10-Feb-14 22:59:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Crazeeladee Mon 10-Feb-14 23:00:16

If this is the man whose story I've just found very easily through Google, he was a pe teacher. It doesn't appear to be just a mistake, it was grooming first, he sounds very manipulative and dangerous. You cannot stay with him and put your daughters at risk.

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 23:04:31


AnyaKnowIt Mon 10-Feb-14 23:05:40


SecretNutellaFix Mon 10-Feb-14 23:09:50

Why would he not get involved with your daughters? What makes them so protected? Not you, that's for certain.

You need to talk this through with professionals in real life if you seriously consider this man to be anything other than a danger to young girls.

BrandNewIggi Mon 10-Feb-14 23:11:49

I know I'm entirely missing the point, but what is it with people being in a relationship for a few months and calling the person their partner? Winds me up strangely.

BOFtastic Mon 10-Feb-14 23:12:41

Yes, it fucks me off too.

BuildUpMyFence Mon 10-Feb-14 23:15:10

As a lone parent I see other ladies in the same situation do this, they are unable to be on their own and see people like me as sado's and say it is because we can't get anyone confused. The reality is I made a choice to stay single until my children are adults. I have been as a child myself down the blended family route with a Mum who had no time for her children and only had time for work and her Man, my children deserved better.

Amytheflag Mon 10-Feb-14 23:20:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 10-Feb-14 23:22:53

I really hope this is an elaborate wind up.

If it isn't - op get the hell put of this relationship now. Men like this look out for women like you, and the fact that he had a relationship with a woman with no children makes zero difference. The charm, the loving your friends and family, being the perfect guy - it's all just an act. He's grooming you all.

Decorating your 15yr old dd's room. On the sex offender's register because he groomed a 15yr old pupil. FFS.

You will not be adequately protecting your teenage daughters if you stay with him.


Stockhausen Mon 10-Feb-14 23:32:05

If this is real, then get rid quick. He 'kissed & cuddled' a child

And was punished by the courts for it.

Ohbyethen Mon 10-Feb-14 23:38:03

All of your threads are so wrong.
It's a theme that's not rare here, to a greater or lesser degree, and it makes me so so sad every time I read them. I also find it so difficult to know how to offer any kind of support to those posters as it's a mind set I cannot empathise with as an abused child and now a mother.
The seeds of the Mairead Philpotts of this world are sown in those choices.
I always find it hard to reconcile and of course there is little less sympathetic than a person in denial vocally defending the indefensible.

Anyway, there isn't any choice here. At all. It's perfectly acceptable to feel sad, shocked and grieved at the loss of the fantasy future and the end of the relationship. It's really not an option to continue it if you value your daughters and want them to remain in your care (or if SS said you are putting them at risk and they will be removed if you stay with him - would you still choose him?). It's quite simple.
There are 7 Billion people in the world - a convicted sex offender has plenty of childless women to opt to court.

ashtrayheart Mon 10-Feb-14 23:44:23

And you're a teacher? confused

farmernarmer Mon 10-Feb-14 23:44:28

if this is not a troll, and you are all guessing that she is then I hope you are not all wrong.
I was called a troll a few years back at a time where I needed real help, advise and understanding. I reached out, and because my 'story' was so horrific and unbelievable I was branded a troll. I was then deleted. it took me a long while to decided to come back. It has still made me not feel as though this is somewhere I could come for help. sad sad

So to summarise:

You're a 50 year old teacher with 2 teenage girls . Dating a man who was a teacher until he abused a pupil at 40 years old. You were thinking of moving in with him after a month as he was so 'lovely'.

Okaaaaay. For a teacher you're not so bright.

BuildUpMyFence Tue 11-Feb-14 00:01:42

I thought she was a 47 year old teacher with two teenage girls, one fifteen.

Dating a 44 year old man, who was once a teacher, until at 40 he abused a fifteen year old girl.

Prior to finding out who he was OP was planning on moving in with him after six weeks as she was selling her home anyway.

Her friend googled the boyfriend, for reasons unknown, and told her who she was dating. OP clung to the defence teams theory that the child persued the forty year old teacher who knows he should not get involved with a child in his care.

LegoCaltrops Tue 11-Feb-14 00:13:21

OP, your attitude is worrying. You seem exceptionally naive regarding this man's possible intentions.

2Retts Tue 11-Feb-14 00:23:50

I'm really curious to know why (if he's the PE teacher, currently has his own company and is therefore easily identifiable on the internet) the OP hasn't done these searches herself prior to all the 'should I ask him to move in' talk.

Seriously? The OP, a teacher of 47 years with two girls, 17 & 15 years (the youngest of which, he spent a weekend decorating the bedroom for) and who states that he has spent a great deal of time getting to know the girls; who has posted and been made aware of the potential for red flags at every turn by the observers she has actively sought the advice of...regularly, according to AF's links...?

I mean...seriously?!

From what I've read, I don't think the OP is a troll. I do however, believe this is a woman who is so desperate for a happy ending that she will see it in everything (ostrich syndrome on a huge scale the likes of which I have never seen before with the minimising and the most effective rose-tinted spectacles) to the detriment and massive risk to her girls.

It's actually quite sad.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 11-Feb-14 02:28:59

It reads like the plot in the first Inspector Lynley novel, A Great Deliverance, where the sexual predator was nice as pie to his new girlfriend to be in proxcimity to her daughter. She said he was so nice when he fixed her leaky faucet without complaining. They changed the story a bit for the tv production, perhaps it was way too awful to broadcast?

Hoping for a verdict of fake, but praying for the daughters in case it is not.

wallaby73 Tue 11-Feb-14 03:28:03

Assuming this is genuine......i have been in this exact position quite recently, except this wasn't a boyfriend, just someone trying to "get close" to me in a way that set off alarm bells. Former teacher, unusual name, hazy about his past, "poor me" mentality and would do literally anything to please which i found creepy, so i googled. Yep, on the register, 2 prison sentences to name, one involving teenage (underage) girl and another involving an adult woman. Have you heard of a SOPO? Sex offenders protection order - he will have one. Conditions laid out by a judge dictating what he can and can't do. I should imagine at the very least it will say "no unsupervised contact with under 16/18". So if he did not willingly divulge his conviction to you, and has spent even a minute with your daughters without you IN THE SAME ROOM, the SOPO is broken. This is an inprisonable offence. Believe me, cut and run. yes everyone deserves a "second chance", but who are you to grant that when there's a risk to your own daughters? What qualifies you as a sex offender expert experienced enough to calibrate that risk? I suggest you spend 5 minutes with any barrister experienced in the area of sex offending; it is enlightening ... Luckily my best friend is this. They often manifest as exceedingly generous, thoughtful, sensitive, intuitive, giving, personable, affable. It's always the way. Cop on to your diana complex and get rid. And the big question - this is what he was caught for; what else is there he wasn't?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 11-Feb-14 06:29:39

I think people want to believe someone is a troll because that is preferable to believing that someone would even hesitate for a moment in such a situation, or effectively or potentially offer up their children in exchange for the attentions of a virtual stranger.
but sadly, nothing about this story means it has to be a troll.

there are actually people who would choose a dodgy bloke over safeguarding their children.

I hope the op, upon reflection, does not choose to be one of them.

MuttonCadet Tue 11-Feb-14 07:01:50

And why exactly is it "difficult to talk to people in real life"?

Because they'd be utterly horrified that you are even considering this!

As am I, these are your daughters. Do not believe the "she chased him", crap.

Normal 40 year olds do not find children sexually attractive.

Branleuse Tue 11-Feb-14 07:06:59

wow, its really recent and hes really much much older. eugh. complete sleaze.

ihatethecold Tue 11-Feb-14 07:08:12

If you can't see the wood for the trees op then consider what your children, family, friends and work colleagues will say and think when this all comes out. And it will!

ithaka Tue 11-Feb-14 07:11:42

OP - your 4 year old 'boyfriend' fancies 15 year old girls. You have a 15 year old daughter. Why do you think he is dating you?

You must protect your daughter from this predatory behaviour. You do not have a 'relationship' - you are being groomed.

ithaka Tue 11-Feb-14 07:12:01

Sorry - 44 year old boyfriend.

Oh god I hope this is a troll. It's too damn depressing to think that there is a real woman so dicknotised that she would continue a relationship with a sex offender, and allow him access to her children.
OP, grow up. You're a parent - be one.

I remember the previous thread. There's definitely a rabbit away somewhere...

Coconutty Tue 11-Feb-14 07:32:49

What all the other have said, with bells on.

Lovevhate Tue 11-Feb-14 08:49:20

I have a horrible feeling that OP is not a troll but a woman desperate for a man at any cost. She has disappeared and is not listening. Really worried for her girls.

OP if you are still reading this PLEASE GET HIM AWAY FROM YOUR GIRLS. You will live to bitterly regret this

Nerfmother Tue 11-Feb-14 09:08:21

On a side note, I just don't understand the troll hunting policy. I was deleted for 'adding to the notes of caution and reporting' on a long thread which smelled fishy, and yet people feel comfortable blatantly calling troll on this thread. How does it work?
Op, think it's all too fresh and recent for you to do anything other than end the relationship.

Nerf, people need to report and bring it to hq attention before they delete. I'm sure they will delete much fortis thread when they spot it.

Cabrinha Tue 11-Feb-14 10:18:28

So the OP has disappeared, after seeming likely to keep this convicted sex offender in her daughters' lives.

Her old posts are sufficiently detailed for me to contact the girls' school, and from other detail I'm sure the school could identify them.

I am inclined to make the school safeguarding officer aware.

laregina Tue 11-Feb-14 10:27:08

Cabrinha I read this thread last night and I keep feeling sick thinking about the implications of it.

If I knew any actual details myself I would definitely be contacting the school and/or social services.

AnyFucker Tue 11-Feb-14 10:49:40

Cabrinha I assume you are just musing out loud and I empathise, please don't consider doing that in RL.

A witch hunt would be the last thing needed here.

We have no way of knowing if any, all, or part of what has been written here is true.

AnyFucker Tue 11-Feb-14 10:52:54

if this is someone fantasising with a dollop of RL thrown in, the repercussions could be awful

if it's someone real, and the situation is real, the best outcome is that she keeps reading this thread and is not scared underground with a potential abuser

airforsharon Tue 11-Feb-14 10:53:12

I don't think OP is a troll - her posts read like something I could imagine my mum writing, someone who hates being on her own and jumps from one crap relationship to another, straight in with both feet ignoring all warning signs or words of caution. Twice she has married within a few months of meeting the men concerned - one of them a gambler and heavy drinker, the other 'such a lovely man!' who sexually assaulted me when I was 11.

OP, engage your brain and running like the fecking wind.

urmydarlings Tue 11-Feb-14 10:55:58

I hope op was a troll, but why in the world would anyone go to such lengths to create such a vile lie.
Anyone who has ever suffered at the hands of a pedophile will find this very upsetting and I pray they dont click on this thread. sad angry

CuntyBunty Tue 11-Feb-14 11:05:22

The OP would need to come back and say whether it is all bullshit or not then. If not, I don't blame Cabhrina for going worst case scenario. That surely must be better than the risk of more child sexual abuse from this man.

dozily Tue 11-Feb-14 11:17:14

Please can we stop the troll hunting? If this is real the OP is a victim too and we should be supporting her not attacking her like this sad

Clutterbugsmum Tue 11-Feb-14 11:33:03

Grow up he is not your Partner at best he a 'boyfriend'.

You been seeing him since 8/1/14. You haven't known him longer enough to know anything about him.

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 11:41:20

Out of interest, when are we allowed to refer to our partner as "partner"?

Glowbuggy Tue 11-Feb-14 11:46:22

Sooo, are you posting on here to find out if it's ok to date a paedophile?

The answer is:

He is a paedophile.

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 11:48:55

No, she's posting because she just found compelling evidence that her lovely new partner has a conviction for sexual activities with a teenager. This must be incredibly confusing, upsetting and completely incongruous with everything else she has seen, heard or experienced with this man.

This doesn't make her sick or needy or a terrible mother. This makes her shocked and in need of compassion.

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 11:49:03

In my opinion that is.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 11-Feb-14 11:52:36

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all your reports - we're going to take a look into this thread now. In the meantime can we please remind you of our talk guidelines

Clutterbugsmum Tue 11-Feb-14 11:53:09

I wouldn't think anyone would call some one a partner after seeing them for 5/6 weeks.

As this post prove OP knows nothing about him other then what he told her. If he was serious about this relationship then he would be honest about his past. Not leaving out something could impact on OP children lives.

He committed a crime against a child/teenager. He knew he was in the wrong and is still lying about it, and god knows what else.

AGoodPirate Tue 11-Feb-14 11:55:06

Someone I know found out her husband was on the sex offenders register for a 'relationship' with an underage girl. He had never mentioned it. They had two young babies. She left him straight away. They'd been together a few years.
That's what a decent mother would do. Protect her kids.

generousfdudgy Tue 11-Feb-14 11:55:44

You said that it was supposed to be casual but after the first date he asked you to be exclusive....was this after you had shared that you had DDs and their ages?

Glowbuggy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:00:04

Lovely new partner? They've been dating 6 weeks.

Run, and keep him away from your children.

I don't think the OP is terrible, although I'm gobsmacked she was thinking of moving in an almost stranger when she has two teenagers. It's just I KNOW if I'd just found out the same thing there would absolutely no confusion.

Whocansay Tue 11-Feb-14 12:02:12

You are knowingly putting your children in harm's way. There is something very wrong with you.

Be aware that if you persist in this relationship, your friend may report you to ss. She is clearly concerned or she wouldn't have shown you the link in the first place.

tb Tue 11-Feb-14 12:03:56

The worst thing, to my mind is, that he was convicted after having been a teacher for the best part of 20 years.

Presumably he didn't just become attracted to 15 year old girls after the age of say 35. In that case, how many other girls did he abuse or groom with a view to abusing?

SplattyQuenelle Tue 11-Feb-14 12:05:42

My mum once put her own feelings for a man above me and my sister's safety, and allowed him to move in with us without knowing him properly. The result? My sister and I were sexually abused daily for 8 years.

Put your daughters' wellbeing first. BE THE MOTHER THEY DESERVE. Posts like yours make me livid (assuming you're genuine).

undecidedanduncertain Tue 11-Feb-14 12:07:56

This would be a dealbreaker for me, OP. I could not let a man like this near my children. And I wouldn't want him near me.

This has brought back a lot of ugly feelings for me OP. I was abused by my teacher from the age of 14 until I was 22- grooming which became sexual. He ruined my teenage years. And one of the worst things was that his wife took him back. When I think about that it makes me feel sick.

Don't be that woman. Her weakness and his ability to convince her that he was worthy of forgiving was just another form of abuse- made her a victim too. Don't be another victim.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Tue 11-Feb-14 12:20:30

Just a message of support to you dizzy. ^

You were in a situation that meant you were not necessarily seen as a victim of abuse or believed in the way you deserved.

What happened to you is really shitty darling I'm sorry.

That's all don't really want to comment on the other issues just yet.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 11-Feb-14 12:33:57

Hello again,

We currently have no reason to suspect that the OP isn't genuine, but as ever, we'd like to remind people with the internet being what it is, it's good practice to never give away more than you can afford to lose, emotionally or financially.

We're going to go through this thread and remove posts that break our guidelines.

undecidedanduncertain Tue 11-Feb-14 12:44:06

Of course he is lovely, OP. And of course his behaviour around your DDs is caring and impeccable. That is what people like him do! It may be hard for you to accept, but if you do not get rid of him, immediately, you will have a very hard time ahead, and your relationship with your DDs may be destroyed. Imagine how you will feel, when they hate you for not protecting them? What will you have left in your life then?

GTA5MASTER Tue 11-Feb-14 12:47:24

I don't care how bloody shocked the op is she needs to get her head out of her arse and tell him to get the fuck out of her and her kids lives!

Bluebees Tue 11-Feb-14 12:53:31

There is no dilemma here whatsoever. Your DDs come first and you have to end this relationship. Surely all the responses are only echoing what you already know. You cannot take the risk, nor would you forgive yourself if something happened to one or both of your DDs. For their sakes and your own, end the relationship today. You're their mum and your DDs need to you protect them. You can do it.

Quinteszilla Tue 11-Feb-14 12:57:26

He is not a dp. You have only seen him three months. You dont live together. He is merely a new boyfriend/shagee.

Aint it just fab that he has chosen a single mum with teenage girls? I bet he loves that aspect of you also.....
In fact, I would not be surprised if that was the part of you he found most alluring.

satsumasunrise Tue 11-Feb-14 13:01:00

Thank God your friend googled him.

Ignore any feelings you may still have for him and see him for what he is.

You and your daughters have had a very lucky escape.

SuffolkNWhat Tue 11-Feb-14 13:01:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amytheflag Tue 11-Feb-14 13:02:42

They've only had a very lucky escape if she acts on it. It's worrying to think that she probably won't. The OP is already making excuses for him. Poor girls.

Thanks scrambledeggs. I pray the OP sees sense and agree- it's not a situation where everyone sees you as a victim of abuse.

It made me very sad that OP parroted the "she pursued him" line that always comes out confused people love that line! It's never the mans fault.

Quinteszilla Tue 11-Feb-14 13:04:29

Do you think he is planning to befriend your daughters friends?

Or use you to have a legitimate excuse to hang out around your/their school? Pick them/you up from work, drop off, etc?

HighBrows Tue 11-Feb-14 13:04:44

Jesus seriously there is something wrong with you that you have to have a hand wringing thread on here wondering what to do.

Every single person has told you to dump him and protect your girls. Some people have even shared very sad posts about how their mothers did what you are doing. thanks to those posters.

Seriously stop behaving like a total selfish fool and cop on. Are you that desperate?

This thread has sickened me.

NobodyIsHere Tue 11-Feb-14 13:10:19

I just hope that the OP's real life friend who googled him will actually do something about it.

BuzzardBird Tue 11-Feb-14 13:10:23

Will you be back OP to tell us what you are doing? I think perhaps you are getting rid of him? Maybe even reporting to police that he has not stuck to the rules of the sex offender register?

Targeting and grooming and what BuzzardBird said.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 13:21:34

I've tried googling this man but have come up with nothing. The nearest profile I found was for a younger man.
OP, you have to be rid of him. If he'd been say 22 and had an affair with a 16/17 pupil, that's understandable; wrong but I could live with that.
If he is on the sex offenders register I think you would be contacted by the authorities at some point.

noddyholder Tue 11-Feb-14 13:27:53

Listen to everyone. You know what to do and tbh even if you didn't have teenage daughters I would still be telling you to run a mile. You also need to really examine why you didn't just dump him immediately you found out that is a worry in itself

undecidedanduncertain Tue 11-Feb-14 13:37:22

OP, you say that he didn't know you had teenage DDs when he first 'met' you (I put it in apostrophes because I think it was online).

Fine, but you have to accept the possibility that your DDs are the reason he is continuing the relationship. You mention that he has been out with other single mums 'without incident'. (as far as you know!)

I'm sorry, but i think it very likely that he is - consciously or subconsciously (though probably consciously) - looking for a relationship where he has access to teenage girls. That may sound insulting, it doesn't mean that you are unattractive in any way - just that a convicted paedophile has different motivations. Really.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 11-Feb-14 13:38:26

There are some inconsistancies here. The OP says the "Judgment" (ie official Court document) says that the DP just kissed and cuddled the girl, would someone be put on the Sex Offenders register for that?
Surely it must have been more than that to even warrant it being taken to Court. I'm sure the CPS would not bring a case if it was just a bit of kissing and cuddling, especially IF the girl had pursued him.

I wonder if the OP has actually READ the whole judgment and not just extracts, she owes it to herself and to her DD's to do so.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 11-Feb-14 13:38:26

I just read this thread, expecting, on every new page, to see the OP return and say she has kicked him out of her life. But no. I am aghast

I hope, OP, that's what you do. And use it as a lesson to be more cautious - with your own heart and the safety of your kids.

For the record, I went on a lot of internet dates. I always brought the conversation round to middle names on the first date (in a light hearted way!). If I planned on going on a second date, I would google the full name beforehand. The internet is a very powerful tool to help you. And I certainly wouldn't introduce a man to my kids for a looooooooong time (2 years in the case of my xBF)

Hope you're OK OP. It's a horrible shock to find out he was, indeed, too good to be true. You know what you need to do. I hope you're doing it

ArtexMonkey Tue 11-Feb-14 13:43:09

Jeez I am sick of people using mn to validate their shitty life choices.

"She pursued him"

"He's been out of trouble since"

"He didn't know I had teenage daughters"

"He's been with other single mothers with no issues"

"His last girlfriend didn't have children"

This thread might as well be called "tell me it's ok to move a sex offender in with my teenage dds, sure, what's the worst that could happen?"

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 13:44:00

A teacher was quite recently ( about a year ago) convicted and put on the sex offenders register for kissing and cuddling a 15 year old pupil.. He was sentenced to 18 month in prison ( with custody, /I expect he would be out after a few months.
I expect OP is still reeling from the shock and in talking to the relevant authorities.

OddFodd Tue 11-Feb-14 13:44:44

oldwoman - the boyfriend was in a position of trust. I would imagine that would come under grooming if the 15 year old was a pupil

ArtexMonkey Tue 11-Feb-14 13:46:40

I expect the contents of his hard drive would make your hair curl. Not that you'll check. Too "smitten".

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 13:49:49

She's smitten or rather was mitten. She's asking for help , I don't think she expects us to condone here having a relationship with a sex offender. She has "checked". She's seen his picture on the internet.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 11-Feb-14 13:51:39

OddFodd, what I am trying to say is that, what is reported in the press etc is only the half of it (believe me I know) and that only very good strong cases come to Court to be prosecuted, trying to illustrate that the OP is deluding herself if she thinks that it doesn't seem, to her at least, very serious.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Tue 11-Feb-14 13:52:14

OP, posting this because Ido think you'll come back.
With this knowledge, you should now be closely questioning everything he's ever told you. No issues in his other relationships with single mothers. How do you know that? He claimed his previous GF died. How do you know that?
He's a stranger, he's only been in your life for just about two months from what I read in your earlier posts about him.
Dump immediately.
I don't even know why this is something you needed to post for advice about. Do you really need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you to dump him?

BuildUpMyFence Tue 11-Feb-14 13:52:28

OP may have got some help and come back to talk if so many hunters around, I wonder if they will apologise now?

This happened to me a few days ago, you know the guidelines yet continue to pile in on people with the pitch forks!

OP, I hope the shock wears off and you work on your boundaries and self esteem, you don't need a Man.

OddFodd Tue 11-Feb-14 14:07:32

Oops - sorry oldwoman. I didn't read your post properly - apols

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 14:09:31

Message deleted by MNHQ for breaching copyright fair use rules; please feel free to link to the actual article instead.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 14:10:36

I'm not implying this is OP's friend, but you only have to read this to see the devastating effect this has had on a young girls life.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Tue 11-Feb-14 14:17:55


My mum was also one of those women who put men above their children's safety and needs.

I've never forgiven her and its affected my life profoundly.

Quietattheback Tue 11-Feb-14 14:33:24

Here's the thing OP. You don't really need the opinions and advice of MN. You don't need it because you have excellent intuition (I know, I know, she's acting like she's dickmatised. Bare with me). Your problem is not in the 'knowing', you've known from the get-go that there was something off about this guy, despite all the hearts and flowers guff. That's what that feeling of "waiting for the bad news" is. It's the finely honed part of your amazing brain that has picked up on the tiny, seemingly insignificant bits of his behaviour that give his game away.

The problem for you is that your intuition is in direct conflict with your surface desire to be loved and adored (Nowt wrong with that) and to be 'special'. It seems like a desire that you are becoming desperate to have met. You know this and at 47, I've no doubt that you know where these needs arise from, but this guy isn't in your life to fix you. He sees your a little broken and he sees how that works in his favour.

You called off a wedding because you knew it was the wrong thing. You've come on here to question this relationship because YOU know there is something amiss. Don't listen to us lot, we're a bunch of know it all's with access to the net. Your family is in danger, the question is... Are you going to trust yourself, or are you going to ignore yourself?

drivenfromdistraction Tue 11-Feb-14 14:35:28

Great post Quiet. I hope OP reads it.

Xenadog Tue 11-Feb-14 14:46:57

As a secondary school teacher we are told from day one of training never to put ourself in a vulnerable position with a child - this means that if a student has a crush on you then you ensure you are never alone with them and you always maintain a professional relationship with them. This is always emphasised strongly for male teachers as that's where most of the problems lie.

We also have LOADS of child protection training as well so no one is ever in any doubt what is appropriate and what isn't.

Any teacher who ignore this is an abuser.

I worked with someone who left my school and then a few years later went to prison for having a sexual "relationship" with a pupil. It was reported that "neither knew they were doing anything wrong." I'm sorry but as a teacher you do know what is wrong and there are no excuses. if I were in your position, OP I would simply end the relationship now.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 11-Feb-14 14:58:25

MrsC, it is nobel to give people a second chance...but in these circumstances it will be best to let someone else be the "nobel" one. (Back to that later) Hopefully you can use this sort of line of thinking to relieve yourself of any thoughts or feelings that you are being "mean". This would not be being mean, it is a well justified boundary. And as stated previously, he may expect a swift ending if you make the discovery of his secret (and he did keep it secret by not telling you himself-he may justify that to himself- by saying Google is available).

Moving forward from that, consider that you possess information about this person ...and it really needs to be reported to the authorities. Perhaps you do not feel like doing this because he has been so nice, and you do not want to repay that niceness by getting him in trouble. But please understand that the nice was not authentic. He was/is using you. The nice was/is part of the formula to distract you (and his young targets) from the truth of his hidden agenda. It is psychologically very black...very much manipulation, a sincere and professionally administered headfuck.

His future victims (the future "nobel" people) need you to report.

I apologize for hoping this thread was fake. I sincerely hope that you can end the relationship, own your disappointment, tell your daughters about it (they may be old enough to read this thread), and move forward in your life. If he stays in your life, your life (as well as your daughter's lives) really is not yours any more as he is a parasite of the worst kind.

Take care thanks

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 15:20:09


AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 11-Feb-14 15:35:19

Oh yes Logg1e sorry for my spelling error if that is what you posted for. If not I will let you know the "noble" ones are there to ignore all sense in the self serving belief that they are a superior being and so much advanced in their evolution as a human being to patronizingly give a second chance, and they do so at their own risk which they reflexively dismiss as not applying to them. It is undoubtedly hooked into the the culture of women as the caregivers, men expect to be forgiven and coddled and given carte blanche on their behavior because after all they are men.

Sorry for tangent, MrsC

wifeandmotherandlotsofother Tue 11-Feb-14 15:51:10

I am a former secondary school teacher. One of our graduate trainees (aged 21/22) went to the 6th form leavers ball where she kissed one of the 6th form leavers aged 18. They sacked her, no reference, unlikely she'll ever teach again. I am sure if the lad wasn't over 18 she would have been in more trouble.

Like Xenadog says it is drummed into you that you are in a position of trust and you must make sure that everything you do could be examined under utmost scrutiny and found to be absolutely professional. A 40 year old man kissing a 15 year old girl is abuse.

stooshe Tue 11-Feb-14 16:10:01

Op. Even if I was applying all liberal credentials to this scenario, the fact that you said that he has had relationships with SINGLE mothers in the tine frame since conviction IS a red flag that you cannot ignore.
My ex who is all sorts of pervert said this to me.
"I only like women with children as they are not jitterbugs". What he meant is that, to him, some women with children are easy to manipulate and go through all the "but he can't be bad, surely" when confronted with the point that one wonders if they really love the children that they have. And the wretch is right. Considering that my ex preyed upon his OWN children (thank God that my daughter who is grown was not living with me) I can see that I was with a carte blanche sexual predator.
Perverts tend to be narcissistic. Narcissists cannot resist giving clues as to their REAL persona (as your "partner" has).
If you value you children and career, drop your "partner" with a swiftness that even Usain Bolt couldn't muster.
He will bring you down with him, if you stay with him. Even if it is not YOUR daughters that he gets his kicks from.

stooshe Tue 11-Feb-14 16:16:56

OP, the fact that you have been with your partner for only two months and you considered moving in him (and you have children) IS a red flag.
Narcissists know how to schmooze and get otherwise sensible people doing things that are out of character...that is until the penny drops. This isn't about you, it's your daughters.
I bet when you do your investigations, you will find out all sorts of head spinning, unedifying stuff about your partner. These kinds of people are very good at evading the law. I can guarantee that the conviction that he got isn't the only time that he has done something dodgy.
Also, has he asked you yet to do something in the bedroom that you don't like yet? Be honest with yourself, you don't have to tell MN. This man has got you acting out of character considering things that you, a teacher wouldn't otherwise do (moving in a man after two months and you have teenage daughters).

stooshe Tue 11-Feb-14 16:35:39

Don't be so quick to think that this OP is a troll. I sometimes hope that the next woman that my ex moved onto, who has had the most warnings and visits from the SS (he has never be taken to court. Police decided on two different occasions not to press charges) and myself ( I must fall into the "bitter ex" category) posts on here.
However, the OP should be putting her hindsight embarrassment as the least of her concerns. These kinds of people rely on this perfectly valid human emotion.
There isn't a parent alive who will respect a teacher who continues a relationship with an ex teacher who is on the sex offenders register. Embarrassment is temporary. Do the right thing, or else the fallout will be massive.

VelmaD Tue 11-Feb-14 16:36:29

I was on your previous thread about moving in with him after six weeks. When I saw this thread title I knew it would be you.

Everything has happened this way because he has groomed you to get to your kids. Whether you like that or not.

report him and walk away from him. And fgs, stay away from men for a while and concentrate on your daughters.

And maybe ask work for some extra safeguarding training.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 16:50:27


I have been seeing a new guy for about a month and am completely crazy about him.
He is gorgeous, funny, kind, intelligent and so far things have been perfect.
However his previous gf died last April from a heart attack brought on by her alcoholism.
The relationship was supposed to have been casual but hasn't been from the start. He asked me to be exclusive with him after one date and we spent lots of time together over Xmas and new year.
My problem is that I'm stressing that something will go wrong as things just seem so great. I am falling in love with him but am too scared to articulate this. I'm pretty sure he feels same. H texts me all the time to say he misses me when we aren't together. Is this my age? I'm 47 an he's 44. I feel fearful all the time and am worried I'm going to ruin things by constantly worrying

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 16:58:09

And now you found out he is a sex ofender, AmIatwat?

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 17:01:50

Sorry, I meant to add, this is copied and pasted from OP's thread about meeting a new man and how quickly things were steaming along.
TBO we all feel a bit overwhelmed when we meet someone new, but this post gave me the creeps, the girlfriend dying etc.

Lweji Tue 11-Feb-14 17:04:06

Yes, I got that. smile

Logg1e Tue 11-Feb-14 17:17:41

(AndTheBand I didn't know if was a spelling error or not. Because you capitalised and used quotation marks, I wasn't sure if you were deliberately referring to Nobel).

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK Tue 11-Feb-14 17:56:30

Hi mrsc

I don't know if your at work or have been scared off!

Have a look at this link it will be able to help you get information rather than google results

My opinion doesn't matter but having worked in this field I would have massive alarm bells esp seeing as it is such a recent case

ONLY you can make this decision but I will say this one of my biggest life lessons have been

Love is not always enough! Making the hard choice rather than the easy choice just might save you (and your kids) lives.

Good luck mrsc

AnyFucker Tue 11-Feb-14 18:19:31

I am crap at googling and I found (what looks to be) this exact bloke pretty easily

Cinnamon2013 Tue 11-Feb-14 18:26:01

Hi. Sorry you're in this situation, OP. Very tough. I'm with Jilted - why was your friend googling him? To me this suggests she already had concerns. And that in itself is worrying. Has she explained why she felt she wanted more info on him?

Whity74 Tue 11-Feb-14 18:31:52

Woah. I personally would have to call time on it. He'd need to be bloody good at explaining himself, and have a very good explanation for me to give him the time of day.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 18:33:43

Anyfucker, I can't find him, only a younger man of about 36. Is it the same one do you think?

AnyFucker Tue 11-Feb-14 18:34:38


Cinnamon2013 Tue 11-Feb-14 18:35:12

Sorry just saw you already answered this, she was googling his business. Still seems strange to me that she would stumble on this if she didn't already want to seek someting out/check because she was concerned

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 11-Feb-14 18:37:50

(Cheers Logg1e... I was a bit triggered there blush, sorry)
I meant noble. Thanks for reading!

Why do you keep posting these questions with obvious answers, OP?

As someone else said; you know this is wrong. If you didn't, you wouldn't be questioning it.

I really hope you're a troll because I can't imagine a 47 year old teacher with as little cop on as you're displaying.

Yes this is harsh but really? You wanted to move in your boyfriend of five minutes with your teenage girls. You've since found out that he's a dirty bastard who had a relationship with a 15 year old and you're still in 'turmoil'?

Sort yourself out love. Seriously.

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 11-Feb-14 18:59:28

He's packed quite a lot into 4 years hasn't he? confused

I'm sorry, I know this is a shock for you, but how can you not have already called time on this. What is there to think about ??

I have two teen dd's and in your position i'd be contacting the relevant people to see if he has broken any rules and making it clear to him that if he ever set foot near me or my dc again he'd regret it.

It is your job to protect your dd's so do that.

RustyParker Tue 11-Feb-14 19:20:51

Please protect your DD's and get rid of this man. I don't understand why you would even take a chance with your daughters' wellbeing. I have a mother like you, she would put a man before her children every single time. How would you feel if this man did groom one of your daughters? These men can smell desperation in certain types of women and they know they only have to hook you..

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 11-Feb-14 19:21:05

People are just getting cross because it's a very emotive subject, OP.

But you really need to consider what is important here and that is your children's safety, not any relationship you may have with this man and how you feel about him.

Of course it's horrible when you care for someone so deeply and find out something that means it's over but it's not anything you have done wrong - he is the guilty one and he has behaved disgustingly.

But if there is a chance that he could do this again especially to your children and often these types do reoffend if given the chance, I'd seriously kick him out of your life. What good will come of it?

Say you stuck with him. You'd be looking over your shoulder all the time to see what he was doing. Every comment he makes about your daughter being pretty would ring alarm bells and turn into an argument or fester inside of you. Is that really how you want to live your life?

Plus there is no guarantee at all he wouldn't do something to one of your daughters.

You say he hasn't done anything but that's most likely because he doesn't live with them yet so he hasn't had the chance to really get into any situation where he is alone with them for a long period of time without you being nearby.

I'm not saying it to upset you, scare you or make you feel bad but it has to be about what's best for your children.

If you love him then that feeling needs to be put aside. When you have children you are pledging to put them before yourself and by letting this man stay in your life you are not doing what is best for your children.

I am terribly sorry that you have gone through this as it must be a major shock. At least you have found out before he has moved in, before he has done anything to one of your children and before you were in a longer term relationship where severing ties due to a mortgage may have made it really difficult.

This is a blessing in disguise.

Please listen to what people are saying on here. They aren't trying to be horrible, they just don't want one of your daughters to be another statistic.

ihatethecold Tue 11-Feb-14 20:30:38

I can't believe she hasn't read all these answers to her op.

Most likely too scared to respond to any of them.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 20:38:23

Expect she's in a state of shock given what's she'd discovered last night . Don't forget she has a job and children.

Quietattheback Tue 11-Feb-14 21:13:20

Yeah don't be too harsh on her. It's not a crime to want to be loved. It's not a crime to be taken in by someone's glamour.

The OP has made brave decisions in the past and I have faith that she will do the right thing again, but sometimes you need a little time to recalibrate and gather your courage.

Her children are not in immediate danger and if we keep bashing her, we'll frighten her off and she really needs clear sighted but compassionate advice right now.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 11-Feb-14 21:20:30

on balance i dont this this is a troll and HQ seem to have confirmed that.

If people really want to HELP this poster then stop laying into her because thats the fastest way possible of ensuring she does not come back for advice or to talk things through.

threatening to inform SS is counter productive. So is jeering, swearing, accusing and calling troll.

People have a chance to talk rationally to this poster.

my mother met and married a man whom she also had a whirlwind romance with - i was 7 at the time. He made massive effort with me to begin with but i hated him, hated him touching me, from the first day i met him he picked me up and my blood ran cold. i was 7.
she spouted about love at first sight aswell.
Within a year they were married, moved in together and had a baby on the way.

That man was evil. and i do not use that word lightly. He got his just deserts in his early 50s when he dropped dead.

I believe he went for my mother because her boundaries were very skewed, she was older than him, and she feared being "left on the shelf". She saw herself as spoilt goods because she had me in her early 20s when she was unmarried and without a boyfriend. Nothing anyone said about him hit home, she believed none of it, even when one of his previous girlfriends contacted her to say ditch him - she went ahead and married him anyway.

that man caused me considerable damage that i only put to bed through counselling 2 years ago. i am 41 now. ive carried what he did to me from the age of 7.

i have absolutely no contact with my mother, and never will again. she has tried to contact me but i cannot allow that woman back into my life.

please read this. please ask yourself if you want this for yourself and your daughters in years to come.

some women do put relationships before their children.

i think those women and children pay the price.

look at your girls. if you had to choose, who would it be? my mother told me not to make her choose because if i did he would win.

she did not protect me. i hold her more responsible than him - because he meant nothing to me. she did. i loved her. she was supposed to choose me. she was supposed to protect me. she was supposed to love me.

it hurts. i have a friend who is older than my mother and whom i think of as a mum, she has nurtured, counselled, cherished and looked after me more than she ever did, and ive only known her for 15 years. She means more to me than my own mother, because you reap what you sow.

think very very carefully about what you now know. ask yourself why he has honed in on you, and at such must feel so special, so blown away by his attentions......

dont fall for it.
if you want anything of a relationship with your daughters in the future leave him now.
he should not be worth more to you after 2 months than yoru daughters of 15 and 17 years.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 21:41:26

This sounds horrible, but I'm curious as to who he might be, Have googled but non of the people fits the profile.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 11-Feb-14 21:53:30

if the OPs boyfriend is outed then she is not likely to come back.

it seems morbid curiosity is taking over the thread rather than aiding the OP.

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 22:13:05

I don't think so. We all want to support OP. Just need to get an handle on the situation OK 40 year old man 15 year old girl, but is there a pattern to his behaviour? has he offended before.? These are all clues we can use in justifying OP leaving this toxic man.
Nobody is going to be stupid enough to disclose who they think he is.

Cabrinha Tue 11-Feb-14 22:28:47

A pattern? I think "40yo teacher kisses 15yo child" is enough, no?

AmIatwat Tue 11-Feb-14 22:37:13

What I meant was he might have a history of attracting women with children before he was actually accused of having an improper relationship with this 15 year old child. I doubt this was a one off.

doubleshotespresso Tue 11-Feb-14 22:44:18

OP I am certain your friend googled your boyfriend not to reference his business, but because she saw the red flags many on here have already commented upon.

If you work as a teacher, And you have this information confirmed via your friend and google, what further facts do you require before you drop this guy?

I am baffled........ And worried.

OddFodd Tue 11-Feb-14 22:51:43

Oh Vicar, I ache for the little girl you were (((Vicar))) sad

So sorry that you went through that. It's the ultimate betrayal

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 11-Feb-14 23:06:39

thanks oddfodd but i am good as new. shame it took 39 years and an out of the blue message from her to make me seek help....but i had "rewind" therapy and my god thats good....leaves your memories in tact but removes the emotional response - its very good for PTSD.

since then i have grown in confidence and as a person. last year i suffered for the first time in my life with depression and anxiety, but i do feel like a phoenix - had to burn up to rise from the ashes!

i dont want people to think i enjoy posting about pain and suffering but i hope very much that the OP takes to heart what happened to me and realises what she could be trading in for this relationship.

im not raw and it doesnt hurt to speak of my experiences thanks to the 'rewind', and if it can help someone then im willing to refer to it. I have also done seminars for work on the psychology of sex offenders....very illuminating.

i really hope the OP is still lurking even if not posting.
(and if you are OP then feel free to pm me....)

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Wed 12-Feb-14 00:24:42


I think everyone else has said what needs to be said.

The part that's worrying me immediately that hasn't been addressed is that he's had access to your 15 yr old DD's bedroom. If it were me, I'd be scouring the room from top to bottom for any devices/cameras (and incase anything/clothing has gone missing).

Sorry, I can't put it in a 'nicer' way sad but with what you now know of him I'd be paranoid about his reasoning for having access to your DD's room for a good few hours, possibly alone/unsupervised for durations of the decorating.

I hope I'm wrong and there's nothing amiss in her room.

perfectstorm Wed 12-Feb-14 00:41:26

Vicar, that was such a brave thing to post. flowers for you in being willing to discuss such painful things to help the OP realise what she is getting herself into.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 12-Feb-14 01:05:44

i hope i didnt just do that for nothing though perfectstorm....

thank you.
i dont feel brave. im just recounting the possible consequences if the OP puts this relationship above her children. its very sad that she feels in such a quandary.

but as a mother i find it difficult to understand why that quandary, my kids would always win, hands down, over a possible abuser. over anyone in fact. i couldnt put my children through what i went through and i couldnt imagine my world without them in it, if they cut me out i would be devastated beyond words.

perfectstorm Wed 12-Feb-14 01:33:41

I can't understand it either. I can't imagine any situation in which protecting my kids wasn't my first and last instinct. I struggle to understand people who don't feel that way.

And yes, I think it is brave to talk about very personal things so openly, when the only motive is to help someone else. I very much hope it works, and makes the OP take a step back.

AGoodPirate Wed 12-Feb-14 09:59:37

vicarinatutu I have always thought you were an especially nice poster and now I see you are an especially brave one too.
I'm glad you found your mum fifteen years ago. x

whereswaldo Wed 12-Feb-14 11:06:22

Anyone listening to Radio4 right now? Programme on teachers and students having relationships- made me think of this thread.

member Wed 12-Feb-14 11:19:05

Vicar, you've managed to convey the possible consequences of choosing an intense relationship with a Johnny Come Lately over your children without a harangueing tone - respect !

drivenfromdistraction Wed 12-Feb-14 11:36:35

My DH is a university lecturer, so teaches the 18-21 age group. He is slightly appalled by the number of our (male) friends who make nudge-nudge comments about pretty young female students. To him, the students seem like children.

He's in his 40s, but has felt the same since starting his job over 10 years ago. The undergrads are so clearly immature, easily influenced, and in the process of 'finding themselves' that he can't even envisage the attraction - the situation is so unequal that there is just no level on which an actual relationship could begin to emerge - only an abuse of power.

And that's with adults. I really don't think that a decent man could think otherwise about a 15 year old schoolchild.

AmIatwat Wed 12-Feb-14 21:11:49

Thinking either OP has been told by SS , work, police to not mention this situation on a public forum or is burying her head in the sand. Whilst I'm very angry that she even considered continuing to forgive such a man. Perhaps she is ashamed of being so gullible?
Who hasn't been taken in by a charmer at some time in our lives?
It's happened to me ( not a paedophile) but a controlling manipulator.
We can only hope and pray that she has seen him for what he is. Predatory men are charming, tick all the right boxes, will be ( appear) the answer to all your prayers. Give me someone who has a few annoying habits anytime. I need to see flaws, however minor just to prove they are genuine. I'm thinking about her daughters, praying they are safe. Sorry if my ramblings are a bit dull and depressing. I'm not in a good place myself.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Wed 12-Feb-14 21:30:42

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter that's a very chilling thought.

I've read the OP's various threads about this man and not replied before as I found it hard to process how an intelligent and educated woman with experience and a family would seem to behave like a dizzy teenager.
I happen to think that when someone posts this kind of AIBU thread, even if it's in another board, that they actually know the answer, but they don't like the answers they get from other posters and although I can believe in rapid infatuation I don't believe in calling someone of just a few weeks your DP, let alone thinking of moving in together.

This thread is actually really worrying IMO.

AmIatwat Wed 12-Feb-14 21:49:47

It's very worrying indeed. It just show's how these men ( and women) can have such a hold on there prey. It's a common misperception that only the weak, vulnerable and uneducated can be taken in by such individuals. Think Heather Price and Paul McCartney. I was "seduced" by her until one day on a long drive to Cornwall I heard her on the radio, and I thought " WTF" are you for real? I think it's only when you are an outsider that you see the what is really going on in a given situation.

bionic77 Wed 12-Feb-14 22:30:46


The only thing I would add is how would your daughters feel to know they were potentially at risk and you knew but did nothing?

AmIatwat Wed 12-Feb-14 22:43:08

I think the tabloids will answer all our questions if OP doesn't tell him to sling his sad sorry arse,
He's a child abuser. A middle age man who had an intimate relationship with a kid, What if he was your brother, cousin, friend? Would you think this acceptable?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 12-Feb-14 23:54:22

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter, when I read that bit about him being so agreeable to even help redecorate the daughter's bedroom I was shock, but was thinking along the lines of it being a grooming action of having the youngster become used to seeing him in her room, and perhaps him inventing reasons to be in her room -and after his helping so much-it would have been difficult for the daughter to say no, or to stand against any shaming comments from him about not letting him share the space he worked on.

But the idea of camera/recording devices is right on, imho.

ladyquinoa Thu 13-Feb-14 01:24:24

It would be the nail in the coffin for me. A 15 year old is a child and would have been groomed. Someone cannot accidentally or innocently end up on the dec offenders register. Lawyers for the man will always argue that the girl was forward and willing because its s standard defence. Load of rubbish, a child is still a child. He was in a position of authority and should have known better

AmIatwat Sat 15-Feb-14 21:23:23

No news? Does that mean OP has seen through this charming charismatic ways, been told /advised to keep he gob shut or (hopefully not) is kidding herself this man has served his time and is no longer a threat to children?
Perhaps I am to caught up with this thread, but I'm seriously worried about the implications it might have on her children .

laughingeyes2013 Sat 15-Feb-14 21:44:34

Love is blind ....

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