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Family pressuring me

(94 Posts)
FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:34

Sorry I have NCed and this will be the most frustratingly vague OP ever (to avoid outing me).

I am under pressure from family to do something that will benefit my parents and sister financially but financially have a detrimental impact on me. I have been pushed to make an immediate decision on this and been made to feel really guilty about it.

Part of me would like to be in a position to help them out but I feel resentful because:
a) I am feeling emotionally blackmailed into it
b) I have a lot on my plate at the minute and asked for a week to think about it, only to be told no I need to say yes today (or be the worst in the world.)
c) My sister (who is financially benefitting from the situation) is in a position to help but doesn't want to lose money herself so is foisting things onto me! She will be gaining a lot while I am losing a lot for no gain!
d) Because it's family there will be no contracts involved - I have a feeling the situation could drag on for a long time, costing me a lot of money and resentment, with no prospect of amicable resolution if the shit hits the fan.
e) It could get very costly for me for all sorts of reasons.

My gut instinct is to say no now, ride out the storm and be made to feel like a bitch, on the basis that it will probably end better than me saying yes and then being full of resentment and a row developing down the line.

Either way it's a lose-lose situation for me.

So really I am asking: have you been in this situation before (being railroaded into subsidising other people's transactions at your own loss)? And what did you do?

TIA.

shey02 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:43:41

Just say no. This is going to hurt you alot more down the road if you say yes and likely you will still be the villain even if you give out.

LegoStillSavesMyLife Mon 10-Feb-14 10:44:27

No is a complete sentence. Hell No is an even better one.

Busybusybust Mon 10-Feb-14 10:46:30

Say no and suggest your sister does it instead as she's going to benefit.

But say NO anyway.

MrsBartowski Mon 10-Feb-14 10:47:04

Say no.

Honestly, if they aren't willing to give you fair amount of time to decide then they are not taking your risks seriously at all. And that is not likely to change. They clearly don't care about the potential outcomes for you - it's up to you to protect yourself.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 10:51:09

I read the first bit of your OP and stopped at the part where it would be detrimental to you. That's enough don't do it.

My family years and years ago wanted me to get a loan from the bank to help buy my then flaky brother a work van. I refused as I had never had a loan and didn't ever want one.
I was told he will be unemployed, it would be my fault and I should do it because we are family. Brother was unable to get a loan due to shitty credit.
I stood firm even in the face of "he would do it for you". I replied he wouldn't have to because I am better with money and would not dream of putting somebody I loved in such a position of emotional blackmail.

Things were strained for a while but as I said I stood firm.
Years down the line my DB and I had a chat about it, he admitted that back than he probably would not of paid me back and was so self involved he wouldn't of cared if I fell out with him. However he is now a good egg and has sorted himself out he says my decision probably saved our relationship and he respects me for it.

People who love you don't force you to do things that are not in your best interests or will cause you hurt.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 10:52:24

No

Morgause Mon 10-Feb-14 10:53:31

Say no straight away. If they try to beat you down just say the risks are too great for you. If they bang on say you aren't going to discuss it any more, they'll have to find another way.

bumbumsmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 10:58:16

If it has to be done today say No switch off your phone and go and stay with a friend then breath a huge sigh of relief

If they loved you they wouldn't put you in this position

Putting you in such a position to start with is not acceptable for a start.
All the reasons you state are valid ones not to get involved at all. Family and money can be a toxic mix.

No is a complete sentence; just say no to their request/demands for money. Presumably they have always put on you like this as well.

FrogGreen Mon 10-Feb-14 11:00:51

say something like: I really wish I could help, if there was a way I could help that didn't cost me so much in terms of money and risk I would do it in a flash, but the way you have suggested is too much for me, especially right now.

DwellsUndertheSink Mon 10-Feb-14 11:01:23

No. If the sister is in a position to do this BUT doesnt want the financial risk, then why should you accept the risk - especially as you have nothing to gain. Whats good for her is good for you also.

FrogGreen Mon 10-Feb-14 11:01:46

and then don't worry or feel bad about it for one more second

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 11:02:37

Let me think about this... NO. They are being unreasonable to bully you into a situation that will be detrimental to you. Especially when denied time to think it through.

Holdthepage Mon 10-Feb-14 11:03:49

Just say no & as bumbumsmummy says, turn your phone off & make yourself uncontactable for a few days.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 11:04:44

Another no vote.
No particular experience to share but the dual attack of putting you in a detrimental position without any thought for you and putting you under extreme emotional pressure is enough for me to know you shouldn't do it.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:05:08

Thank you. I am feeling sick and stressed from it to be honest - not what I need with a hugely busy worktrip coming up (which is why I had asked for more time).

It's a slightly unusual situation - it involves an asset that is not being used, hasn't been used for some time but which DH and I are planning to sell. Their attitude is that since I haven't been using it (and have been paying for it like a sucker ) I should let them use it ( and keep paying for it like a sucker ). They have offered to do some work which would probably cover it if they a) did the work (no guarantee) and b) were only using it for a couple of months - but I have a feeling it could drag on for a while which would cost me a lot more that they will be paying for.

I actually feel sick and guilty - initially I was angry that I was going to be the bad guy for everyone else's gain - now I just feel sad

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:06:42

And should make clear it's not about risking money - just loaning an asset for free (sister could do the same but doesn't want to as she doesn't want to lose the money - but she is the one gaining from the whole situation in the first place!)

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 10-Feb-14 11:09:23

Don't feel guilty.

They pushed for an early answer and the early answer is NO.

The end.

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 11:13:58

dont do it

I had to make a similar decision just after Christmas . There was emotional blackmail involved.

I choose not to do it.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 11:15:54

Don't feel bad flowers

Matildathecat Mon 10-Feb-14 11:19:20

No no no.

Especially if no legal framework.

HazleNutt Mon 10-Feb-14 11:21:05

sister could do the same but doesn't want to as she doesn't want to lose the money - but she is the one gaining from the whole situation in the first place
Obviously sister should be doing it.

Preciousbane Mon 10-Feb-14 11:21:23

Do not do it

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 11:21:29

Say no. It is very clear that you don't want to. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 11:22:16

And point out that your sister could afford to do it and ask them why they think it is ok for you to lose money.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 11:22:50

I hope you've said no by now OP.
Remember, if you say yes then you have demonstrated to them that emotional blackmail and unfair pressure works on you. That means that down the line, if the work is not done, or they don't want to hand back the asset, the same tactics will be rolled out to ensure you back down and let them have their way again.

The only way to make sure you are not facing this kind of drama long-term is to say no from the off.

FelineLou Mon 10-Feb-14 11:28:45

It is your asset and your and DH's decision. If you do not use it that is your right.
Just "No".
Try to remove the possibility of its use by selling or reassigning.
Emotional Blackmail is not fair and your sister should risk her own whatever not seek to use yours.

MimiSunshine Mon 10-Feb-14 11:33:32

Hi OP your problem sounds familiar so while i wont say what it is or the issue forcing this, i do think i know what it is (don't think i know you in the real world though).

You have to say no, you can already see the problems that will arise, its not even a gut feeling its a sign in 100ft neon lights telling you there's a massive cliff to drop off ahead.
To ignore it would be madness, your family are trying to use the argument that you should because your family and you have no reasonable reason to say no, well you do.

Text or email them all at the same time and say "My decision is no. I have decided that the financial risk to me is too high with zero benefit. My suggestion is DSis - you support this financially as you also stand to benefit, but from now on please leave me out of any further discussion.".

If you get any kind of negative response and and wheedling to make you change your mind, don't justify your decision any further and respond with "my mind is made up but i am upset you would try to emotionally blackmail this way when there are other options that don't have to involve me."

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:41:35

I said no but I think I need to be clearer or it will turn into 'You said you'd tell us in a week, now we've wasted a week waiting' etc. Feel like chickening out and getting DH to do it.

Up to my eyes with work here too (in between MNing blush ) so I really do not need the extra stress.

I am especially incensed because I told DM last week that it probably wouldn't work out but that I couldn't think about it for a couple of weeks. Then I still got a phone call from DF (with DM chipping in in the background) presenting it as a done deal and an offer I would be mad to miss out on hmm

BlessedAssurance Mon 10-Feb-14 11:46:53

Op, i see you haven't said no yet. You need to say no..

BlessedAssurance Mon 10-Feb-14 11:47:51

Cross posts op. Good for you for saying no..

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:34

I did say no to DF who got really angry and upset. I just think I need to say no again as they are not averse to rewriting what was said.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:48:58

And X-post here too smile

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 11:54:33

nono noooo

and note - no-one on here has said yes!

Sparkeleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:57:18

Say no.. A family member took a loan out for his brother who promised to repay him, and in the end the fallout among the family from the brother not keeping up with the repayments was worse than if the lender had just said no in the first place.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 11:58:57

I know eddie. Despite that when I do say the final no I will be emotionally blackmailed, told that I'm selfish, made to feel the worst in the world and will also no doubt be unable to ask for any assistance, no matter how trivial, for the foreseeable future, without having this decision thrown back in my face.

Sparkeleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:59:33

Oops, massive cross post sorry! Good on you, stick to your guns, it'll cause less stress in the long run.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:00:30

Ohh, I really feel for you. I know its a bit wussy but can you just blaim your DH?
I have had a situation like this where my DBrother wanted to borrow my car. I said no but it was a little awkward.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 12:00:43

Do you know how much this would theoretically cost you? can you put a £ figure on it?

If so, would it help to say look. You want me to do this, but it would be to my financial detriment to the tune of £X. Are you going to compensate me for that? Because if you are, send me a cheque. Otherwise, accept that I do not want to in effect give you £X and respect my answer.

Can you send them all an email so that you have put your "NO!" in writing for them. It'll be much harder for them to try and twist your words if you have physical evidence.

Don't let them emotionally blackmail you, it's bad enough they want you to pay out for their benefit but the fact that there will be no legal contract covering you in case it all goes wrong makes me shudder.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 12:01:27

When anyone pushes their own agenda and applies emotional blackmail you absolutely have to be both clear and firm

"Sorry we are unable to go along with your plan as it doesn't fit in with the decisions we have already made and put into action."
The End.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 12:02:57

Honestly, I would say DO NOT blame your DH. It's unfair, and will be counter-productive, because your family will think you were prepared to do it but DH stopped you. Hard as it is, they need to know that neither you nor your DH wanted to do it.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:19

FeelingRailroaded you say that if you don't go along with it you'll be made to feel the worst ever.
Also, how likely are you to call on family assistance anyway, sounds very much the other way around to me.

However, if you do go along with it you'll still feel bad, feel emotionally and financially used and abused and also have put yourself and DH into a situation which is to your detriment.

So it's a no win situation anyway, but one decision leaves you worse off than the other.

diddl Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:50

Turn lose/lose into win/win.

Say no & with any luck they'll want nothing more to do with you!-win/win!

CinnabarRed Mon 10-Feb-14 12:09:47

Get the asset in question on the market sooner rather than later - they can't pressure you to use an asset you no longer own.

OliviaBenson Mon 10-Feb-14 12:34:32

I'm guessing here, but if say this was a house and they wished to live in it, you might find you have legal obligations I.e. gas certificates etc, even if they aren't paying you rent etc.

I have no idea what the situation is, but if there would be legal ramifications, this might help you construct your response. And yes to putting it in writing via email etc, so they can't twist it around at some point.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:27

On reflection, I think AngelaDaviesHair is right that you shouldn't blame your DH - it would be counterproductive and could lead to even more pressure being put on you.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 12:52:08

I didn't mean blame DH more get him to make the call as they will be more inclined to be polite and less heated.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 12:58:40

My last post was referring to my suggestion that you blame your DH. Not to your suggestion that he field the calls from your family. IYSWIM

It's a good idea that he field your families calls but was, retrospectively, a bad idea of mine that you blame your DH

Hope that clear grin

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 10-Feb-14 13:06:02

Hasten the sale of the asset.

They can buy it from you at market price minus 5% as they are family and you love them despite their many failings.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 13:09:15

I don't think it's a question of hiding behind DH, I think it's fair to be clear that you take your decisions jointly and that you as an individual have first responsibility to him and your joint family welfare i.e. that despite being their child, you are now in an adult partnership not still under their control as it were.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 10-Feb-14 13:12:51

They have offered to do some work which would probably cover it

Sorry, but folk who'll emotionally blackmail you, bully you and say you're selfish aren't going to "cover it" at all ... they'll simply come up with more "poor me" excuses and attack you if you pursue it

Just stick to a simple "no" and refuse to discuss it further. Granted they'll whine but they'd have whined later anyway - this way you avoid a financial mess AND break the pattern of them trying to use you in the future

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:58

They don't want to buy the asset if only they just want to use it without charge (other than offering to do a bit of work when I KNOW they are full of good intentions but will be far too busy). Their argument is that I've been 'wasting' money paying for it for a while so I may as well keep paying for it and let them use it. I want rid of it.

Puzzled I am inclined to agree with you there.

DH is flat out at work but we're going to talk about it this afternoon so we are singing from the same hymn sheet.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 13:20:57

If you want rid of it, can you not say no, we need the money, we have decided that we need to sell it. ?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 10-Feb-14 13:23:56

It is telling that they do not want to buy it, or rent for a fair price either I assume (if they were to repair the asset, they would get say nee or two onto free at the end if the tenancy, not at the beginning of course, otherwise nothing would ever happen).

That said, this is about other adults not respecting your boundaries, so please say no as it is your wish and sell ASAP.

If they complain. Offer to sell to them.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:52

You're being very wise in making sure both you and OH are on the same page - manipulators always try to exploit ANY chink in your armour, but only if you let them

It's not their place to say whether you're "wasting money" since it's your money, not theirs - and I wouldn't give them credit for "good intentions" since your posts suggest their only interest is getting what they want, whatever the cost to you

I'd suggest that any "explanation" you give will just lead to more "yes, buts ..." Therefore the only possible answer is "That doesn't work for me" and if really pushed "I can't discuss it any further"

EllieQ Mon 10-Feb-14 14:03:38

I would echo everyone else and say you need to say No. Your family are astoundingly selfish if they think it's fine for you to take all the financial risk instead of your sister.

Like a PP, I think I recognise you from the other place. If you are the person I think you are, you know your sister will take advantage of you! Though I would add, as you have not been using the asset but have still been paying for it, you will probably have given the impression that you have plenty of money (so could take the financial risk), and also that you're not really committed to your new life as you have kept the asset as a 'back-up'.

Obviously if you are not that poster, apologies!

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 14:13:21

I am not the other poster you are thinking of as I am a bit confused by the previous post smile

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 16:57:54

FFS. DH is now hedging his bets and saying we need to be careful to avoid a family row. At the same time he acknowledges that the situation will probably drag on for months with none of the promised work getting done meaning that we won't be able to sell. Really disappointed that he seems to be worrying more about 'the family' at the expense of our own interests. It's making me question myself and wonder if I am being unreasonable.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Mon 10-Feb-14 16:59:35

No. In writing.

If you had said yes, I'm guessing that in 2 months it would come back to bite you when you couldn't get them to stop using the asset. And their using the asset would make it almost impossible to sell it.

No. In writing. No need to justify or explain yourself.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Mon 10-Feb-14 17:00:47

x-post

In the light of your most recent post:

No. In writing.

Saxie Mon 10-Feb-14 17:07:13

Tell them you have an offer on the table and ask if they can match it. Which is like no, but not no. It will give them pause to think while you take the situation out if their hands.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 10-Feb-14 17:17:05

Shame about your DH but still say no. They are causing any row, not you.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 10-Feb-14 17:19:25

Listen, I think a fall-out is inevitable. Either now (because you say no) or later, when the family renege on their promises. So I would say no now and get it over with without losing any money.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 10-Feb-14 17:25:22

No. And again. No. Don't let yourself be railroaded into this.

ShimmeringInTheSun Mon 10-Feb-14 17:39:47

If your sister can say No, then so can you.

No. No. No. No. No.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 17:49:35

Thanks. Trying to stiffen my resolve. So annoyed that I am being put in this position. Honestly no matter what happens I will end up the villain of the piece.

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 17:52:54

Also annoyed about DH because in a previous row with my parents my mum behaved outrageously and then instead of just apologising started a campaign to rewrite the whole incident and get my DH to agree with her that I was to blame like that was going to happen

RandomMess Mon 10-Feb-14 17:56:37

You need to say "no, that doesn't work for us" end of. Be brave!

clam Mon 10-Feb-14 17:57:33

Why is their upset of greater importance than yours?

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 18:04:59

So... you've always been the scapegoat then?

You won't win, whatever you decide.

DON'T agree to anything. Let the shit hit the fan! How dare they bully you!

Have you seen the thread here called Stately Homes?

ContinentalKat Mon 10-Feb-14 18:05:58

No, no, no, unless your family agree to "do it properly": rent contract (or whatever) drawn up by a solicitor, fixed term, deposit.
Give them a week to think about it.

Hissy Mon 10-Feb-14 18:06:24

You have NC, so can you please be more detailed about what's what?

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 19:02:44

It's done. There was a row. I am at fault and leaving everyone in the shit.
I have done what I felt needed to be done but there is no sense of achievement. I feel guilty and sad and I think there will be a shitstorm. I also feel totally manipulated.

ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 19:07:39

Oh commiserations OP sad It was never going to end well but it sounds like you did the right thing.

Have some thanks and wine.

Try not to dwell on it and keep reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 19:12:20

Keep remembering that you haven't caused this situation, you've simply reacted to it.

I really don't understand the bit where your sister will also benefit from the proposed idea and is in a position to help in the same way as you've been asked, but wouldn't.
You know the answer to that, so factor it into your thinking wine

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:16

Just think of the whole shower of shit you have saved your self from!

tribpot Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:17

Very, very hard when you're having the emotional guilters put on you, OP. But one thing really stands out - your sister could do this but is choosing not to. All you're doing is choosing not to as well. And your sister will actually benefit if she did do it - but is choosing not to. Keep saying that to yourself! (And to them).

My DH's family have got used to treating him like an ATM over the years, I don't think they've been best pleased that I've put a stop to it. Less because I don't think we should be treated like a money pit and more because my DH is chronically ill and unlikely ever to work again. So we kind of need back assets that were lent in the past on the basis that he could easily work to replace them. Genuinely I have had to say "you get that he has no income and no prospect of ever working?" and this hasn't occurred to them. Some people are unbelievably blinkered.

clam Mon 10-Feb-14 19:14:19

I think your family are bang out of line. Try to remember that when they're going on about it.

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:33

So sorry open. But you have not let yourself be manipulated. That is why they are angry. Bad as you feel right now, try to take comfort from the fact that all this tantrumming is because you stood up for yourself, and wouldn't be manipulated, and now they know you won't roll over and say yes to everything they will think twice before manipulating you in future.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Mon 10-Feb-14 19:50:26

Certainly there has been an attempt to manipulate you. But you have stood up to the manipulators. Of course they don't like it. Tough for them.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 20:14:46

'It's done. There was a row. I am at fault and leaving everyone in the shit.
I have done what I felt needed to be done but there is no sense of achievement. I feel guilty and sad and I think there will be a shitstorm. I also feel totally manipulated.'

Just think of how much shit you saved yourself trying to get them from further using you.

Well done!

ContinentalKat Mon 10-Feb-14 20:19:33

Well done! thanks and wine and [balls of steel badge] to you!

sebsmummy1 Mon 10-Feb-14 20:21:46

You were right to say no, now sell the asset.

Unfortunately your family have spent the whole of your llife convincing you that you only exist for others' benefit (ie theirs) and that your wishes, feelings and needs are unimportant, and it's hard to stand up for yourself after a lifetime of being taught that you are inferior and must be obedient and self-sacrificing.
But you did it. Well done. You're strong. Be proud of yourself.

RandomMess Mon 10-Feb-14 20:36:18

Well done, quickly sell it so they can't come back at you again over it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 20:48:42

Try and focus on the forthcoming work trip. Families eh.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Feb-14 20:49:06

You know in your heart that your family wouldn't like or approve of you any better if you had done it than because you haven't; they'd just have got off your neck for a bit until next time they wanted something .

pepitoincognito Mon 10-Feb-14 21:03:41

well done on saying no. I recently had family asking me for a large sum which I am quite sure they would have slowly but surely paid back. But it would have cleaned out my emergency rainy day fund completely and wasn't going to be used for their health or safety but a material asset. So I also said no. It is hard. But you did the right thing. If I can't afford something, I do without. And unless I was really struggling to feed or house myself, I wouldn't ask anyone for help. Stay firm.

50ShadesofGreyMatter Mon 10-Feb-14 21:07:26

Have you asked them why it is OK for you sister to say no but not you?

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 21:11:51

good point 50shades

Walkacrossthesand Mon 10-Feb-14 21:26:30

Another 'well done' to add to the chorus - if you feel bad, it's because that's what they want you to feel and you're accustomed to bowing to their wishes. But you don't have to, you know - loving families look after each other, it's not meant to be one way traffic as it seems to have been in yours. If they don't look after your interests, you have to - that's what you did, and quite right too. Stay strong!

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 21:31:55

Yes the damage is done. Thanks for the handholding. Signing off the thread as I will be away with work - a welcome distraction under the circumstances.

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