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Why does DP have such an attitude with me all the time??(80 Posts)
So fed up. Just lately everytime I speak DP either laughs at me or takes the piss with some stupid comment. I can take a joke as much as the next person but it's getting to the point where I just don't want to speak through fear of ridicule. One example was the other night, Reeves and Mortimer comedy was on - I noticed one of them was mouthing the words as the other one spoke - I said to DP "hey if you look, you can see him mouthing the lines!" DP raised an eyebrow and said "I wouldn't know, I'm busy actually ... you know ... watching the program." Why the sarcasm? before he would have started looking for it and either agreed or disagreed but now it's just a load of sarcasm I get like I'm stupid or irritating.
We've recently become engaged and are planning to marry next July. We've chosen a venue and due to it being a busy time of year we'll need to lay a deposit on soon. So earlier I said to DP "I was thinking, after we pay the deposit for the wedding, do you think we should carry on paying the balance to them directly or just save the money up in the bank and pay it all off together next year?" he burst out laughing he said "obviously" we'd save the money in bank and in future can I think about what I want to say and think if it's actually worth asking him about and if it's something stupid, just keep it to myself!!!
Then - tonight his teenage kids are here - Now I'm used to him being a little off with me when the kids are here but tonight he's really upset me. Firstly he leaves me sat alone in the dining room eating my dinner whilst he goes off to watch TV and eat with his son (even though we supposedly have a rule about food in the living room) and then tonight I asked him if we were watching a movie tonight (we normally do on a saturday night). He says stroppily "yep." I ask what movie he's thinking of putting on and he snaps "dunno. can't magic one can I".
Any need??? I said I was sick of him snapping at me and being horrible so now he's not talking to me. Him and DSS are sat in the living room watching a movie and I'm sat in the dining room on my own again. feel like just going to bed
Sounds like he's regretting this engagement!
Yes Joules, that's what I'm thinking wish he'd just have the balls to tell me though rather than acting like a petulant child who's just been sat on the naughty step.
Not sure what his problem is but do you really want to marry this bloke?
Sounds like he has some problem with the engagement but doesn't have the emotional intelligence to verbalise this like a normal adult would. Why the fuck should you put up with this?
Why are you used to him being of with you whenhis kids are there? It sounds like he's been showing you how unpleasant he is for some time, and you've just been taking it.
But you don't have to - you can just leave. Don't marry him - he's not worth it.
Oh yep forgot to add this.
My dp has a daughter, and I can honestly say he does not act any differently when she is here.
Obviously some of his attention is diverted (naturally) but he is still kind, considerate and does not treat me any differently.
Your dp isn't coming across as very pleasant...
OP: Cancel the wedding.
You don't want to spend the rest of your life putting up with crap!
Luckily you haven't paid the deposit on the wedding, so cancel and leave him.
Life will be far pleasanter without him.
From what you've said, I think you will regret it if you marry him. Sorry
What needs of yours are being met here within this relationship?.
Do you really think that being married to this person will change the ways things are now?. Such men do not change and this is your future life with him as well. FGS do not marry this man who is at heart an emotionally immature manchild.
He normally tries to start an argument on a friday - so when his kids come on a saturday we're barely talking. He denies this but it seems to be the case. No idea why.
Another example I've just remembered from today - ever since we've moved in together we end up in the overdraft around 2 weeks before pay day. Last month we were over £600 in the overdraft - this month it's looking like it will be around £400 in the overdraft.
He's always saying he's worried about money.
So whilst he was out today I added up all our income for next month, all the outgoings etc and ended up with a spreadsheet saying we should have £700 LEFT at the end of the month. So when he got home I deliberated over it for a bit because as I've said, I'm scared to open my gob lately but eventually I said "you know, I've worked this out and according to my calculations we should be up £700 next month if we're careful with money." So he started smirking and said "oo my calculations!! according to my calculations!!" etc etc once he'd got over my choice of words he said "so basically I just carry on exactly how I am then because it's not my fault we over spend?" There is just no talking to him.
If he's not going to grow some balls you need to. He doesn't want to marry you, I can't see why on earth you want to marry him. Ask him if you're both making a massive mistake.
I mean you obviously are, but you seem to think there's some kind of discussion required.
In answer to your question "Why does DP have such an attitude with me all the time??"
I would suggest the answer is "Because he's a bit of a prick".
Why would you want to tie yourself to this man?
He sounds unpleasant. You should be able to speak freely without someone taking the piss. It must be really uncomfortable. I wouldn't like to be married to someone that treated me like that.
You do not really get anything from this relationship do you hateweekends?.
If this is what is it like now, do you think that marriage will change anything at all. No it will not.
Why are you together at all, simply put you and he should not be together. You two marrying is a utter recipe for disaster.
To answer your question, it sounds like he has zero respect for you
Why are you marrying this ignorant twat ?
As everyone has said above, OP, bin this prick.
But find out about the money first - if you should have £700 left after expenses but are £400 overdrawn, I make that $1100 unaccounted for. In your place I'd be looking for an explanation.
He sounds like my ex. Constant put downs to. The point I'd didn't want to open my mouth. He really had me doubting myself all the time. We split up. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was only after he was out of my life I realised what a malignant influence he'd been on it.
Too. Constant put downs too.
I blame the half glass of beer I've had. Get me!
Life's too short to settle for less than you deserve. It's a snapshot of what married life would be. Can you honestly imagine being married and happy with someone like this. You have a good opportunity to make a good choice for yourself - leave.
Why the fuck are you with this loser?
You know, lots of people have rough patches in relationships. Where they generally find each other a bit irritating or frustrating. And they blow off steam. I'm sure most of us have heard friends talk about their other halves like that.
But when they speak to or about their partners with contempt, well, I don't think I've ever seen a couple come back from that. It's the nail in the coffin. All this belittling of the OP for her words/tone/opinions seems dreadfully contemptuous. It's not just disrespectful, it's also cruel. There's no justification for it. The sarcasm and treating you like you're stupid is awful and hurtful. If it's been happening for a little while it doesn't seem to be getting better or going away, does it?
I don't think this marriage is going to go ahead, somehow... I'm sorry OP. It's pretty common for people who are a bit cowardly to treat their other halves like shit and hope they'll take the hint and leave, doing the dirty work for them so they can hold on to the moral high ground of being the dumpee rather than the dumper.
This doesn't sound like an equal partnership. Is he a kind person otherwise? I don't think it's a good idea to stay with a bloke if he isn't even kind to you.
He sounds like an insufferable bellend. Who moved in with who? Do you have children yourself op? What would he say if you told him how he makes you feel? I think you know don't you? More of the same.
I think you should consider everything you've said here:
Makes you feel shit
Money mysteriously vanishing
Won't discuss things like a grown up
And think long and hard before you get to the point of 'well we've paid the deposit, we can't call the wedding off/oh i'm pregnant and i can't do it alone/well he is a great dad'. Don't get trapped with this arsehole. And it may well be that he isn't having second thoughts: he has you where he wants you, living together and committed, and he just feels like he can relax into his true persona. Don't rely on him to be the one to call time on this thing that's clearly not working. Apart from anything else, it'll make you feel awesome later when it's all over. Get that power back.
Oh god, he is HORRIBLE!!!
I really wish you didn't have a joint account. Do you share a mortgage? I hope you don't.
Where is all your money going? Can you go through the statements online and check?
Whatever you do, please don't marry this man.
Then - tonight his teenage kids are here - Now I'm used to him being a little off with me when the kids are here but tonight he's really upset me.
^ This. Wrong on so many levels OP. He is out of order.
I always knew that my DSD was DH's first consideration in our lives, but he never treated me differently. Ever.
I think I'd have to say/write it down that he is making you feel this low. A marriage is pointless when the one person who should be fighting your corner is making you feel small
Nasty. Just plain old nastiness. No need at all- he's a prick!!
I don't like the fact you say you're used to him being a bit off when his dc are there?! Why?? Why should he treat you like that? Awful.
Think very very carefully about whether you want to get married to this man
Please think of yourself and do not allow this man to rule your life.
I have only rad the OP as that was enough tbh.
Why is he constantly putting you down and why are you accepting of him being a twat when his kids are there?
He thinks he is better than you and that is never good.
You can do better than this. My dh has never put me down in the 18 years we have been together, even when I have done stupid things.
He's treating you with contempt.
are you going to choose to marry someone who likes to treat you like this?
He wont treat you better once he has you legally tied to him.
If you are already on eggshells, wondering if you dare open your mouth, then this has already been going on too long. It will only get worse. You need to end it now before you lose yourself and your self esteem.
Right love, the facts are that the point of an engagement is to find out whether people are knob ends before you marry them. If you choose to ignore this fact, then you only have yourself to blame for a lifetime of misery.
He is just awful. Can't believe you have put up with this much so far!
God he sounds awful, run!
With the kids, I wonder if it's the case that he knows (or assumes) they are not happy about him being with you, and thinks he can keep them onside more, and be "cool dad", by acting like a jerk to you? Either way, it's no good if you are meant to be becoming family, so another reason to reconsider sticking around!
Get out of this. Basic mutual respect is a foundation of marriage. He does not respect you.
Scared to open your gob to talk about money? And you want to tie yourself to him in marriage?
Funky bold... How true.
Do not ignore this, he's a dick. I have every sympathy for women who's d have turned into a twat. Yours is clearly showing his colours.
If it's as dreadful as you describe you need to split up
As they say, he's just not that into you.
Cancel the wedding. For gods sake cancel. You would regret marrying him so much. He sounds horrible and marriage will not make him improve, it'll make it worse. The questions/comments you're asking are smart astute observations BTW, the weird attempt at sarcasm makes him sound actually stupid from this depiction.
I know the general response on here is probably a bit of a shock, but I'm going to echo it. This is a massive red flag that you would be nuts to ignore or think you can work around!
Honestly, his comments are just coming across that he's generally annoyed by you, which is a REALLY bad sign. How long have you been together? It seems like a very sudden change, if you say he was reasonable before.
Living with someone like this really gets you down. It's been happening for a few weeks and you're already afraid to open your mouth - don't settle for it for another god knows how many years. My ex was like this and we were together 2.9 years and I just never even bothered talking to him by the end unless he started a conversation first. How sad is that? I am now married to a lovely bloke who, yes, will take the piss on occasion, but when it's merited, when it's funny, and NEVER in a way that makes me feel stupid, I can't really explain the difference, I suppose it's because 99% of the time when he speaks to me he is taking me seriously and that his general attitude is to take me seriously. We can still have a joke and mess around but it's fun, not nasty, and he'd be mortified if he actually had upset me.
I don't really know why I put up with it from my ex for so long but the sad fact is that I am always surprised when I think about the fact that DH does take me seriously so I suppose on some unconscious level, I didn't think before that my opinions were as important as XP's or that I deserved to be taken seriously. It's good that you've noticed it already - don't fall into the trap of believing the same!
Don't go to bed. If you don't have DC, go out! Do you have a friend you can call or something? Screw him with his moodiness. Go and have a good time somewhere else
Please think about what living like this would be like for the rest of your life...which is what you are signing up for.
He sounds horrible OP, just a hunch, are you younger and better looking than him?
It sounds like now that he has got you he thinks he can do what he likes.
Shock the life out of him and dump his sorry ass!
Have a little read of this- it's basically about the four big signs that flag up when a marriage simply won't work. I think you will recognise some of it.
I'm sorry Op.
You come across really nicely in your original post and to me it sounds like you are doing nothing wrong and certainly nothing to warrant this sort of treatment.
Please reconsider marrying this man. He sounds awful and sadly I think it will only get worse.
Just a stab in the dark, but is this guy a bit older than you?
Why do you want to marry him? Do you love him, genuinely and honestly? He sounds awful!
This smacks of the beginnings of mental and emotional abuse. I watched the same thing in the way my father used to attack my mother and on the occasions when, as a teenager, I tried to defend her, he turned on me and I came in for the same treatment and I remember how much it hurt.
It will be far easier to leave him now than ten years down the line, especially if you have children from the marriage. I know this because I left my ex (I always said mine was abuse by neglect) and it was very hard - but the leaving was balanced by the overwheming feeling of relief once done. I have never regretted leaving.
He has be respect for you and treats you with contempt.
Take steps to protect yourself and plan to leave.
Once they start to treat you like that there's no going back usually.
Has he always been like that?
Please don't marry someone who treats you this way.
He treats you as if he loathes you. Have you asked him why he treats you like this?
I wonder what his previous relationships were like, it sounds like he doesn't like women very much.
Please don't marry him.
He isn't worthy of you. What are you getting out of it?
It won't get any better, you know, it will get worse. I am a bit of a joker/piss taker type and after six weeks of being with DH (then DP), he asked me if there was a problem, if I still liked him, because I was joking around too much. I was overexcited to be with him, "showing off", but to him, I was ripping the piss too much at too early a stage, before he really got to know me. I was mortified that I might have hurt him or made him think I was treating him with contempt and apologised. I also toned it right down, because I loved (still do) him. This is what will happen if he values you. If he doesn't, and is also a shit, he will carry on. Don't waste your time OP.
Being a stepmum , especially to teens is hard enough with a loving husband (bitter experience). With a twat like him , why would you want to take on that role , just why ?? He is already treating you
even worse when his DCs are around so they will take his lead and have zero respect for you ( they will be probably be predisposed to this already with you 'not being their real mum' and just being teenagers per se ). Some Disney Dads tend to behave like this - a sort of chumming up with their DCs against the stepmum as if to say 'you are still the most important people in the world to me , she's not all that'.
My DH went through a phase of doing this - always contradicting me , playing devils advocate to everything I said when one of his sons was around , like some sort of male bonding ritual at my expense.
I quickly called him on it (second time it happened I think) and told him I knew exactly why he was doing it and what a twat he was being and more to the point I wouldn't put up with it. He has never done it since and as he is a lovely , reasonable man on every other subject we survived it and are happy.
But yours doesn't appear to have any saving graces , I'm afraid , get rid !
Just get out.... Quickly. Don't put down the deposit.
Seems to me that now you are enagaged and plan to marry his real self is coming out, like he has you where he wants you and doesnt need to hide his real self anymore.
This is just the beginning and more behaviour will follow, because once you are married he will ramp up the abuse. after all he has you where he wants you.
Look upon this as a massive warning and a glimpse of the future.
Do not marry him, he will only get worse.
He hates you OP, what a nasty tale of utter contempt towards you.
FGS don't marry him, you deserve better.
The OP hasn't come back...She doesn't want to hear it until it's too late .
yep agree with others, major red flags here. don't stand for this OP. I'd tell him until he can learn respect for you the marriage if off...see how he responds.
correct me if I'm wrong but I think there was another poster on here recently writing about a husband or partner treating them like rubbish when DSC were around. ? so is it not that uncommon?
It is completely illogical to believe that a man who treats you with contempt would suddenly become more respectful when you marry. Most don't change, some become worse. There is absolutely no reason why he should improve and several reasons why he shouldn't. Principal among them being that he is a dick.
Start extricating your finances now and think long and hard about why you might even want to be married to Mr Sarcastic, before putting on your running shoes and heading for the hills at top speed.
OP, you are a lucky LUCKY girl ... because that horrible git is showing his true colours BEFORE you're married/stuck with him. Get out now. He's abusing you emotionally, gaslighting, insulting and generally being a total nasty freak. Get rid.
weekends....don't marry this man.
You already know what he's like. You know it will get worse.
This has been going on for quite a while now I think.
Do you have someone to talk to in RL?
This bloke sounds like he is a poster child for "circumstances worse than being alone". You are meant to stfu and be a domestic appliance for his benefit.
Please please stop the emotional damage you are being subjected to...the only way to do that is to exit the relationship. He wants you to stop thinking. He wants you to stop feeling. He wants you to be operationally invisible, like a props person between acts of the play that is his life.
The longer you stay, the more damage you will suffer, and that much longer it will take to recover-with counselling-understanding that complete recovery may not be possible <<bitter experience>>.
I agree that you are exceptionally lucky that he dipped his hand this early before the ceremony.
Sorry, OP, but the dynamic here sounds familiar. Could this thread be a prequel to this one? If not, I apologize, but it should prove interesting reading for you just the same.
Please don't marry this man and certainly do not get pregnant. Make your plans and run for the hills.
Cancel the wedding and get out now. Sorry to be so direct but he is abusive and it will get to the point that you come to believe that it is your fault. It is not you, you sound perfectly pleasant and normal and deserve better.
I hope you are ok OP it must be a dreadful shock reading these responses.
What are the practical arrangements, in terms of house ownership, wedding debts, savings etc?
I'm going to echo everyone else. He thinks he's superior to you, which gives him carte blanche to speak to and treat you however he sees fit...which is apparently with contempt and disdain.
This is not because there is anything wrong with you. He doesn't do this because your behaviour warrants disdain...it is because he is an unpleasant man who gets a kick out of putting you down to make him feel big.
All the things you describe...well, it's just unnecessary rudeness isn't it? And I'll bet my last tenner that when you tell him how rude and hurtful you find his manner towards you, it'll be you causing problems, being dramatic, overreacting, starting an argument, criticising him, taking things too much to heart, acting the princess etc etc
Well...I'm here to tell you that this is not the case. Not by a long shot. He just thinks it's his God given right to trample over your feelings, because they don't matter to him. Your role...along with keeping him company, making his dinner and sucking his cock, is to be his scapegoat. Yes...there is nothing more convenient to a bully than having a live-in target for their cruelty and bad manners. In this prick's case, it's you.
If he will not listen to reason, and accept that his behaviour is upsetting, belittling and hurtful to you, and is making you unhappy, then he clearly doesn't give a shit about you, and you should cut your losses and get the fuck out.
I bloody wish I had had you lot in my life when XP was up to some of this stuff.
Me too Boffin, I would not have wasted 6 years of my life with a man just like this. Sorry hateweekends.
It must be hard to hear a bunch of strangers criticising the man you love. Point is though, of course he knows how to be lovely, that's how you fell for him. He can be great company, wise, supportive. He knows how to be like this - but now he's choosing not to. That is really no way to treat the woman you're supposed to love, your intended life partner, is it?
A good man puts his children first, that's right and proper - but while he's with them he can't even summon up common courtesy towards you, never mind affection. His love is rationed. He gives or withholds as he pleases. That is really, really not the foundation of a happy ever after story. That's Mr Murdstone in David Copperfield, that is (er, have I got the right book?). The rescuer turned jailer. The comforter turned tormentor. The man who is as nice as he has to be until he's got you hooked - then it's time to twist the hook, to start with the mind games to keep you on it. So you keep trying harder and harder and can't understand why you don't measure up. It must be you, because he used to be nice and he can still be nice to his kids.
No, it's not you. Really it's not.
I reiterate: run fast, run hard, and don't look back.
Are you ok OP?
Strong responses but all correct . It's obvious to everyone here that this person is treating you like a piece of crap.
Some lovely person posted this on
on another thread and I saved it. Don't know if it helps but it sure sounds like your
not DP is trying to devalue you and crush your self esteem
Til you are nothing. Sorry but what a wanker. Does he behave like this in front of your friends and family?
You sound lovely, especially sitting down to work out the finances. He sound threatened by you.
Please don't marry him
He sounds like an absolute nob.
Please don't marry this man he will only get worse. He's speaking to you like a piece of shit love you deserve more.
OP, please come back and tell us how you are feeling.
We have all been pretty blunt and very honest, and maybe that's been shocking for you to read. We don't want to hurt you, want you to get out of this situation and find happiness.
How are things today?
This sounds like familiar territory. I remember when I was 20 moving in with my new fiancé and being somewhat put out that he didn't seem so delighted to come home considering that he had not seen me for 6 weeks.
That and his depression flaring up at the start of the academic year which again was weird considering it was the year he did subjects he wanted to do. Never mind he just got snappy and it wasn't him it was his depression talking.
So I put my emotional health on the backburner and did what I could for him listened to him and begged him to see a councillor even though he was never happy to see me and seemed to suck the joy from me. It was only when he said the thought of me spending the night with me made him want to scream was that the penny dropped and I dumped him.
You see he liked the status of the engagement and the domestic services provided by me but not actually the person as he was the sort who it turned out wasn't fully sure that women were people. It was not a coincidence that his first depressive flare-up co-incided with Fresher's Fair.
IF you have read this novel of a post what I am saying is he is probably fond of the status of engagement/marriage and having his own domestic slave but the actual process of sharing a life is too much for him and he is too cowardly to end it. You will have to take the initiative on this. Otherwise you will end up re-enacting Mark and Sophie's wedding from Peep Show.
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